what the fuck do you know about awkward moments? a blowjob in the shower? first time jerking off against the wall? no, Itâs Andrew kissing Neil without closing his eyes, and Neil, so caught off guard by that first kiss that he keeps his own eyes open for a few bewildered seconds. so theyâre just staring at each other from inches away in the middle of a kiss?? no, absolutely not. that has to be the single most ridiculous thing that couldâve happened.
Do you know about France's "ta mĂšre" jokes? Cause Jean knows. Like, you know about "your mom" jokes, but in my humble opinion, the French ones are even more insulting, cause your momma ain't fat, she's a whore (invariably).
Since we know he swears in French copiously, empathetically and at length, the insult HAS to be in there often in one of its many - many - variations.
Of course, ALL of the characters in AFTG have mommy issues (except maybe Matt), but only Neil and Kevin love their mommy AND understand French.
Just Jean saying "ta mĂšre en short" at Neil/Kevin. That's it, that's the vision.
All For The Game/ Wolf Creek AU, platonic(ish) Kandreil edition.
Andreil are mates : both are wolves or maybe one is a witch.
They both have Kevin as tether : Neil because Kevin is the one who was supposed to live for them both, Andrew because he's the first to believe in him (re: their deal). Maybe Andrew was slipping to omega and Kevin brought him back.
Kevin : has either his dead mama as tether or exy
It's just all the right vibes of inextricable codependency for the three of them. Kevin can haunt their romance to his heart content without being really part of it, but also you can't dislodge him.
Also you can pry loser boy Kevin from my cold dead hands! He needs to be a little pathetic, it's in his DNA. I don't make the rules.
fumbled the queen but i still have to remain in her service because of my oath for life. so its just really awkward now all the time. fuck my stupid chivalrous life
no thoughts, just a six-year-old Andrew Minyard at the doctorâs office with strep throat. A little girl is sitting with him in the waiting room eating a Happy Meal on her momâs lap. Andrew traces circles into his own hands, thinking that the comforting taste of chicken nuggets and french fries would help him feel better. He knows heâs not supposed to ask for things, but a pang of desperation makes him forget to be cautious. He sits up straight, gathering his courage, and turns to his foster dad to ask if they can get a Happy Meal on the way home.
âNo,â his foster dad snaps. âIt was already enough of an inconvenience bringing you here.â
no thoughts, just a six-year-old Andrew Minyard shrinking back into himself as tears sting in his eyes. A six-year-old Andrew Minyard learning not to want things.
no thoughts, just a twenty-year-old Nicky Hemmick leaving the doctorâs office with Andrew who probably has strep throat, but wouldnât let the doctor get close enough to check. Drained from the day, Nicky stops at the McDonaldâs drive thru and asks Andrew what he wants. Andrew snaps that he isnât hungry. Nicky decides to buy him a Happy Meal as a way of avoiding food waste if Andrew truly isnât hungry, but also so Andrew has something to eat if he actually is hungry.
no thoughts, just a twenty-year-old Nicky Hemmick feeling guilty for not having the energy to make something at home for Andrew to eat, and not knowing heâs given Andrew exactly what he needed.
i love in fantasy when its like âking galamir the mighty golden eagle and his most trusted advisor who would never betray him, gruelworm bloodeye the treacherousâ
When my sister and I were kids we had this one action figure, who was actually a brutalized batman doll without his cape (the dog chewed half his head, too), who we dubbed âEvil Chancellor Traytorâ. The idea was that in the fictional society of our toys, âchancellorâ just came with the word âevilâ in front of it, as a matter of ancient tradition. Like âgrandâ or âhighâ or something along those lines.
Anyway, the running gag was that the king (an old Power Rangers knock-off doll) had absolute and unwavering faith in Evil Chancellor Traytor, who basically comported himself like a mix between Grima Wormtongue and Jafar from the Aladdin movies. Everyone was always sure that Evil Chancellor Traytor had something to do with the nefarious scheme of the day. The dude even carried around a poisoned knife called âthe kingslayerâ.
The additional twist on the joke, though, was that he never was behind anything. The king was actually right. Evil Chancellor Traytor was the most devoted civil servant in the entire Action Figure Dystopia. He spent his nights working on writing up new legislature to ensure that broken toys had access to mobility devices, was always on the lookout to acquire new shoeboxes for expanding city infrastructure, and drafted a proposal that once got half the âsettlementâ in my sister and Iâs closet moved to the upper shelf so that vulnerable toys were less likely to be snatched up by the dog.
The knife, as it turned out, was as symbolic as the âevilâ in his name. See, Action Figure Dystopia had a long history of corrupted monarchs getting too big for their thrones and exploiting the underclasses. The job of the Evil Chancellor was to always remain vigilant, and loyally serve a good ruler - or, if the regent should became a despot, to slay them on behalf of the people.
But since killing the king would be a terrible crime, the Evil Chancellor had to be the kind of person who would willingly die to spare the people from the plight of a wicked leader; because the murder would be pinned on them, in order to keep the âmachinery of politicsâ working as smoothly as ever.
Anyway, Evil Chancellor Traytor had a diary, in which my sister I would take turns writing out the most over-the-top good shit heâd done behind the scenes. Usually after everyone else had finished talking shit about him. I donât know why but we got the biggest kick out of being like:
Barbie With the Unfortunate Haircut: Oh that Evil Chancellor Traytor! Why canât the king see how wicked he is?!
Charmander From the Vending Machine: Char!
Jurassic Park Toy of Jeff Goldblum With Disturbingly Realistic Face: At least if someone puts a knife in the kingâs back, weâll know where to look!
Evil Chancellor Traytorâs Diary: Today I was feeding ducks at the park when I noticed another legless action figure sitting by the benches. I put a hundred dollars into his bag while he wasnât looking. I really need to increase budgeting to the medical treatment centers. If only we had enough glue, I think we would see far fewer toys trying to get by without limbs⊠*insert iconic evil laugh*
Anyway, Evil Chancellor Traytor eventually fell victim to one of my momâs cleaning sprees, and she decided he was too busted up to keep and tossed him out. My littler brother, who tended to follow my sister and Iâs games like he was watching a daily soap opera, cried so hard that we had to do a special âepisodeâ where one of the toys found the Evil Chancellorâs diary, and so he got a big huge memorial and the king threw himself into the empty grave and then ordered the toys driving the toy bulldozer to bury him so that âTraytorâs grave would have a bodyâ (this seemed very important for some reason).
And then we had the Quest For a New King. Somehow or another that ended up being a giant rubber snake called âTyrant King Cobraâ.
Yesterday I read a story with a bridezilla in it and then an AFTG fic before going to bed. Then I dreamt Andrew Minyard was being fussy about everything and everyone fitting in his tropical wedding's color scheme and pitching a proper fit. I woke up indignant with the thought "He would not fucking BE like that" so strong I almost sat up straight in my bed at 6 am.
i like the idea of nicky trying his best (despite his limited budget, despite the twins' lack of expressed interest) to give the twins fun experiences he thinks they deserve, only for it to go wrong every time. he takes them to a fair/amusement park and andrew refuses to go on most rides and the ones aaron wants to ride he's too short for. he takes them to the beach and they both get horribly sunburnt. every single planned holiday and birthday ends in screaming and crying and nicky alone in the kitchen eating the last slice of cake.
when the twins look back on the best times they had with nicky, it's every moment when he tried with them. every time he reached out. homecooked meals, him asking them about their days, helping with homework. giving them a future when they thought they had none.
do you think andrew would ever relapse and self-harm again? it seems to be something that a lot of people write fics about but it's not something that i personally see happening since the self-harm was a way to deal with drake in order to stay with cass (as far as i can remember) and not really a general coping mechanism like it was very specific to that situation.
also do you think andrew was ever actively suicidal?
Hi there,
So, for me, there is a distinction between âAndrew relapsing with cutting as a form of self-harmâ and âAndrew relapsing with self-harmâ b/c in my opinion, Andrew is very obviously still engaging with self-harm in AFTG. Everything else is going to be under the read more b/c my thoughts are long & also weâll be talking about self-harm & suicide, as a warning for everyone - if this is a difficult topic for you, do not feel obligated to read.
Throughout AFTG, I believe we are shown Andrew engaging in self-harm behaviours: i.e., he does things to cause himself physical pain when he is upset or to punish himself, or he threatens to cause himself serious injury when he is feeling triggered/overwhelmed. He is also shown frequently disregarding his own life & well-being especially if it means prioritizing someone else's life or well-being (which is why Andrew's deals are ultimately terrible for his mental health/physical well-being).
We know pre-TFC in Son Nefes, Andrew threatens to break his own fingers when fighting with Kevin (a threat he would have followed through on if Kevin hadnât left him alone). He also risks killing himself in a car crash to kill Tilda & protect Aaron from her abuse
** after deliberately getting himself severely beaten by Tilda while pretending to be Aaron.
Later, in TFC after Kathyâs interview, Andrew punches a window and injures his hand b/c he was upset with his own inability to protect Kevin from Riko- even though he was physically held back, Andrew I believe ultimately blames himself for not being strong enough to break free and rush on stage (which is why he seems so grateful to Neil for doing what he was physically held back from doing). In TRK when Higgins calls, Andrew punches a wall hard enough to injure himself & threatens to take himself off the court âpermanentlyâ if Kevin doesnât let him leave. His methods of coping involve (a) sparring with Renee, which is basically beating someone up WHILE ALSO experiencing a beating himself and (b) drinking. Neil often describes Andrew as drinking alone in TKM & at Edenâs Andrew is frequently drinking & dusting while on his pills. Moreover, Andrew has been in an unfulfilling FWBs situation with an adult man (Roland) since he was 17 that reinforces his idea that men arenât to be trusted/will trample over your boundaries unless you reinforce them with Violence and Restraints - presumably b/c Andrew didnât think he would ever get anything better ("A Minyard never gets higher than rock bottom) + his "Monster" persona.
He also creates deals with people (Kevin & Neil) where the crux of these deals are Andrewâs willingness to be tortured and potentially killed on their behalf, so they do not have to be hurt, suggesting that Andrew intrinsically does not see his life as valuable as other peoples or his life as worth living unless heâs protecting someone else. If he dies protecting them, Andrew is going to be more upset about the fact that he wonât be able to protect said person anymore, and less about the fact that He Is Dead.
** Andrew's deal with Kevin shows that Andrew is looking for something to live for as does constantly prolonging his deal with Aaron(I would bet that Andrew might have tried renewing his deal with Aaron to support him through med-school believing it would be the Only Way to maintain contact with Aaron if Neil had never appeared, even though Andrew & Aaron's deal was making them miserable). I'd also say "looking for something to live for" and "thinking life is worth living" are not the same thing.
This is why I find it very strange when people suggest that Andrew was âhealingâ prior to meeting Neil or throughout AFTG⊠Andrew describes himself as self-destructive & Neil expresses concern about what people are doing to protect Andrew from HIMSELF after he is no longer on his medication. I think some readers severely overestimate how much Andrew was actually trying to âheal himselfâ prior to meeting Neil & how much Andrew was valuing his own life/himself as a person. Andrew's deals are not Andrew valuing himself - there is a reason that AFTG ends with Andrew no longer tethered to any deals but finally able to build relationships with people where Andrew's worth isn't tied to being willing to sacrifice himself at any given moment (this isn't to say that Andrew is no longer protective, being protective is a core part of Andrew's personality... but his bonds with his family, friends & romantic partner aren't based solely on Andrew being their human shield & sword).
Andrew was 100% willing to disregard his own trauma about being raped as an adult by the man who sexually abused him as a child to protect Aaron. This is not a man who values himself or his own well-being very highly. Andrew struggles to understand why someone (Neil) would even care about him outside of the protection Andrew offers. Iâve seen some people say âAndrew was willing to attend therapy!!â yâall Andrew attending therapy was COURT-MANDATED. He was legally obligated to attend therapy & he warms up to Betsy not as a therapist but as a pseudo-mother. Betsy does not find out about Andrewâs CSA until Thanksgiving like every other character, and she doesnât even know Andrew is gay until Aaron outs him. Andrew was very actively not engaging in any sort of therapy that would help him overcome his CSA or other traumas or address his substance abuse, self-worth issues, anger, anxieties, numbness, etc.,.
While Betsy does tell Andrew that he would be better not relying on his deals to form connections with people but instead allow himself to be a brother, friend, cousin, this doesnât really start happening until Neil interferes in Aaronâs relationship with Katelyn. Moreover, by Betsy becoming a pseudo-mother to Andrew, Andrew ultimately isnât actually doing any recovering from his anxious-attachment (I think I sometimes refer to this as hyper-attachment but what I mean basically is: fixating on certain people in your life until they become Your Reason To Live, which Andrew IS still Canonically doing *Neil is literally the embodiment of this - and I mean, I love this for him, literally most fascinating character of all time, but uh definitely not what we would realistically call Mentally Healthy). Basically, while Betsy is very important to Andrew & DOES help him, I think people are drastically over-estimating how much therapy was Andrewâs Choice & what about therapy with Betsy (âMama Beeâ) in particular is enjoyable for Andrew [i.e., feeling as if he has a mother].
I do agree that I donât think Andrew would engage in cutting as a form of self-harm as an adult b/c I think he does heavily associate cutting with his willingness to stay with Cass, despite the fact that Drake was sexually abusing him & the fact that Proust further traumatized Andrew with his scars when Andrew was already paranoid about being perceived as weak for having them. However, cutting isnât the only form of self-harm that people engage in & Andrew is frequently shown to engage in other forms of self-harm throughout AFTG that I listed above.
I also donât think Andrew was ever actively suicidal in the sense that he has ever planned an actual suicide or attempted suicide (not, uh, taking being in an active car crash to kill Tilda into consideration). However, Andrew is very much passively suicidal throughout most of AFTG. Nora frequently said that Andrew was basically existing, counting down minutes of days, and waiting to die up until his relationship with Neil. He used deals to give himself motivation to âkeep existingâ however, these deals while helping avoid Andrew from, I suppose, becoming actively suicidal (actually trying to kill himself) they ultimately donât make life feel worth living. Nora once said that without Neil, Andrew would have maintained his deal with Kevin until Kevin no longer needed him, and then Andrew would have gone off to be... alone (this is actually so sad) and that Andrew would have been without joy.
In the present timeline of AFTG I would say Andrew is no longer passively suicidal & that is fully because of his relationship with Neil. Neil is the fulfillment of Andrewâs deal with Kevin of giving Andrew âsomething to build a life aroundâ or basically - someone to build a life with. That is why in every other scenario that has ever been posed to Nora about a hypothetical future for Andrew without Neil, Andrew is still passively suicidal and just⊠waiting to eventually die, and engaging in risk-taking behavior (high consumption of alcohol, driving while drunk, etc.,) that could result in an early death.
Itâs also why Iâve described Andrew as a character heavily motivated BY romance even though heâs not often what we would think of as a âromanticâ character b/c of his personality (idk⊠maybe itâs b/c when people think of characters motivated by romance they think of Bella Swan or Snow White and not Andrew Minyard). But the thing is Andrew is ultimately happiest by having a romantic relationship with a man he can trust and devote his life to (Neil). I have seen some people speculate that even if Neil hadnât returned Andrewâs romantic interest he would have still be important to Andrew, and that is true, but I believe Nora once said that Neil would have then been slotted into a similar life space as Aaron or Kevin (Andrew would have respected Neilâs decision to reject him, of course, but it wouldnât have been a happy ending for Andrew).
It is a romantic connection that Andrew is looking for (and he seemingly becomes fixated on Neil as being his ideal romantic partner, which, fair enough Andrew, you couldnât have chosen better *this becomes extra true post-Baltimore, where Andrew fully accepts his dependency on Neil & what it does to him/means for him) - Why a romantic connection is so important to Andrew can be a whole different essay - (as well as why secondary to romantic love Andrew is also looking for maternal love, which is why Nora once said after Neil, Betsy is next on Andrewâs internal hierarchy).
*Not all AFTG characters are motivated by romantic love, but Andrew most certainly is... I think maybe b/c Andrew/Neil doesn't seem like stereotypical "romantic love" and b/c Nora mentioned him & Neil never getting married or whatever, but if you look at Andrew's narrative journey & narrative fulfillment... it's literally romantic love. Just ah... rather codependent form of it (y'know the kind of love where strangling one of your friends suddenly seems like a Reasonable Idea).
This isnât to say that Andrewâs other bonds arenât important to him (he is obviously invested in his relationship with Aaron, is friends with Kevin⊠hopefully still becomes friends with Robin in the future) but Andrew is ultimately fulfilled by his romantic relationship with Neil & how heâs built a future entirely intertwined with Neil (playing on the same Pro team 2 years after graduating from college, of which they will then always be transferred together, their apartments, cars, keys, cats) and of course the emotional/sexual fulfillment as well (being able to be vulnerable, "stay", "home", feeling romantically loved and being able to love, being able to have a full sexual relationship with a man that Andrew is committed to & trusts)
With Neil in his life (and Betsy) it is unlikely Andrew would become actively suicidal - in fact, heâs basically working on no longer being passively suicidal. I think this is also why I refer to Andrew/Neil as âbasically healthyâ in the sense they arenât âToxicâ to one another - they arenât going to abuse or cheat on one another, they work on having healthy communication & value trust, consent, honesty - but obviously Andrew building a life/desire to live around his romantic relationship with Neil is⊠questionable. Now, since Andrew/Neil are fictional itâs obviously not something that needs to be Fixed (particularly in my mind because I think this is a very fascinating aspect of their dynamic that I love to explore).
Realized I forgot to mention the Betsy POV Extra! And the fact that Betsy seems to have a system in place for when Andrew self-harms in front of her (digging into his own wounds, raking his nails down his arms) so I just wanted to quickly add that b/c I think it's an important addition.
Jeremy getting a face scar (just like , one. Over his eye or diagonal across his face or something) and there goes his shot with Jean because heâs only ever been wanted physically before . And how would Jean find him attractive now. And oh what will his family say because the Knox family is to be picture perfect . And who will ever find him attractive again . And then Jean helps him clean the wound and catches Jeremy staring at it . And gently catches his chin and turns him away from the mirror so their gazes lock , and says, âyou will always be beautiful, scars or no.â
What if Jeremy avoids mirrors, gaze fluttering anywhere but at his own image, sucking teeth in a little grimace when he caught a glance anyway. What if Jeremy does not allow himself to look at Jean anymore when Jean has his back turned, closing his eyes to keep images of what could have been at bay. What if he faces him in those moments that used to be fraught with tension with defeated shoulders and a sad smile that screams "I know I'm not worth looking at anymore". It used to be that he could get that from Jean and it would make him dream of a sun burning in his chest. Now there is a cold river running over that place instead, washing away illicit hope.
And when this smile that is more hurt than anything shows up for the third or fourth time on Jeremy's face, once Jean thinks he can read it, he wordlessly takes Jeremy's hand in his. Jeremy then looks him in the eyes, a little surprised. Locked their gazes, soft and unyielding, Jean brings it high,up to his face, and wordlessly puts it on his temple, where a scar runs under his scalp for inches before it meets its ends abruptly on his exposed skin.
Jeremy's eyes open wider as Jean carries them next to his nose, the arch broken enough time to mask completely what he was born with. The fingers underneath his tremble lightly on the path they are made to take, silently greeting old scars from a merciless past. Jeremy's breath sounds choked, like he would like it to stop, but Jean's hold on him is gentle yet firm as he brings it to the end of the voyage, hovering only a second before landing on his neck.
"They do not define you," and Jeremy can't stop himself from inhaling sharply but it seems like the lesson is finished and as he adds "You are still the same, Captain". To what Jeremy can only let out a soft and broken *Jean*, hand falling to his side.
My favourite post-palmetto kandreil dynamic is: baffling. Confusing to everyone except themselves. Unlabeled and unlabable. Yes, they live together and when they move to a new apartment it's not even a question that they're moving in together. No, they don't all usually sleep in the same bed. Yes, sometimes they do. Yes, kevin has his own room. So does andrew, though. No, they won't elaborate. Dating kevin?? Don't be ridiculous. Friends with kevin?? Neil scoffs at the thought of anyone choosing to be friends with kevin. Fucking kevin?? Judgmental eyebrows raised all around, no answers provided.
Andrew Minyard & his complicated relationship with his sexuality
As a warning below this cut is an analysis concerning my interpretation of Andrew's sexuality & how Andrew's canonical CSA/SA would impact his sexuality.
A bit of a pet-peeve of mine (I know, I know, me & pet-peeves) is when readers engage with Andrew & his sexuality as only coming to terms with being gay in a homophobic society and not with his CSA. Or when Andrew is written as having fully moved past his CSA/SA & has come to perfect terms with his sexuality even though he canonically doesnât let anyone until Neil touch him or orgasm with someone else in the room until Neil. And even at the end of AFTG Andrew is still being careful about exploring his sexual desires with Neil. I donât think the version of Andrew Minyard we encounter in AFTG can be described as comfortable with/confident with his sexuality.
I think there is a desire to quickly brush aside/move past Andrewâs CSA & SA, which yes, I understand in fluff or pwp or whatever itâs not exactly sexy to include Andrewâs trauma outside of like one to two vague lines if its mentioned at all. Or to focus on Andrewâs line about ânot wanting to be like his abusersâ and not really engage with Andrewâs canonical fear of being sexually assaulted. Part of the reason Andrew learns to fight and cultivates a reputation of being a dangerous maniac is because he is afraid of being sexually assaulted. Even his fear of heights is intertwined with his fear of being assaulted. However, obviously this is uncomfortable and dark for many to write about. Itâs difficult for people to feel like they can write properly. Itâs not something most readerâs want to engage in. But for me personally itâs a bit difficult to read a characterization of Andrew that ignores this aspect of him and still believe itâs Andrew Minyard.
Especially when someone describes Andrew as feeling âpowerfulâ for going down on men. Idk why this is the go-to description these days but I (personally) do not vibe with it. Andrew does not canonically read as feeling powerful engaging with his sexuality. He does not tell anyone he is gay (even when he âcomes outâ to Renee he doesnât say âIâm gayâ he says âI donât fuck women.â And then he has Renee come out to Neil for him to avoid seeing Neilâs reaction. I know this is joked about a lot, and I have laughed at some of these jokes but this is also Andrew demonstrating canonical insecurity about his sexuality). Aaron then
comes out to Betsy for Andrew (actually Aaron outs Andrew to Betsy considering he didnât have permission from Andrew to come out on his behalf) & Aaron even believes that Andrew is worried about Betsyâs reaction despite Betsy obviously being okay with Nicky being gay.
And while Andrew does tell Neil that he would âblow himâ he does not, in fact, immediately blow Neil when they start hooking up & it frankly comes across as Andrew trying to be as shocking as possible to shoot himself in the foot after Roland tells Neil that Andrew is attracted to him. Especially b/c Andrew also immediately corrects Aaron for saying that heâs âfucking Neilâ and idk if itâs the implication of penetration that makes Andrew uncomfortable or just the open acknowledgment that Andrew has sex.
I think Andrew being private about his sexuality isnât b/c heâs worried about judgment or intolerance. Andrew already receives judgment and intolerance. I read it as coming from the fact that if people are aware of Andrewâs sexuality & acknowledge it that makes it real. In canon, Andrew often doesnât like talking about things that are actually important to him (he stops talking to Betsy about Neil once he realizes his feelings for Neil, doesnât tell anyone he likes Betsy ppl just realize based on his behavior, and Aaron is fully convinced that Andrew killed Tilda not for him but b/c of Andrewâs own personal grudge up until TKM). Talking about his sexuality, about âbeing gayâ means fully acknowledging that Andrew is attracted to men. It makes it real. Just like Andrew didnât want to acknowledge his feelings for Neil b/c he thought that would make them ârealâ and then post-Balitmore Andrew realized it doesnât matter if he acknowledges his feelings aloud or not, theyâre real regardless. Another fear Andrew likely has about other people knowing that he is gay is that they might speculate about him in a way that suggests Andrew is weak, easily taken advantage of, or persuaded by other men. All things that Andrew is canonically worried about.
In fact, Andrew canonically has these fears confirmed b/c as soon as Riko finds out about his CSA he exploits it via Drake and Proust. I know a lot of people also mention how Jeremy & Cat & Laila just view Andrew as âsome guyâ and ânot very scaryâ (especially compared to Jeremy thinking Neilâs a bit creepy) but also Jeremy & Cat & Laila are also all aware that Andrew was sexually assaulted by his former foster brother & that obviously makes them uncomfortable & view him through the lens of a âCSA/SA victim, which is also what Andrew feared. Nora has also said that Andrew has a bad reaction to Rolandâs pity after Roland finds out b/c Andrew has spent so many years building his âuntouchableâ persona only for it to have all come crashing down.
Andrew views people knowing about his CSA/SA as meaning that they think he is weak & will no longer find him threatening. He is ashamed of his history of CSA/SA that is why he doesnât want to talk about it or tell people. Andrew did not even want to hear Neil bring Proust up. The one adult (Luther) that he DID try to confide in called Andrew mentally unstable & misunderstanding brotherly love. Luther told Andrew this when Andrew was still a child. The psychological damage those words would have done is huge. He thinks his self-harm scars demonstrate vulnerability that predators will take advantage of. Andrew has convinced himself by the age of 18 that it is better to be viewed as a monster than to be viewed as prey. This is not someone who feels powerful regarding their sexuality. This is someone who has a sexuality & is struggling to engage with it. Andrew canât âchooseâ not to be gay. He is characterized as constantly longing for human connection (Aaron, Nicky, Betsy) so he knows that heâs only ever going to be romantically & sexually fulfilled via a relationship with a man, but knowing, mentally accepting & then actually being able to physically do are all entirely different struggles.
Andrew canonically struggles to orgasm in the same room as another man or to even have the fact that he is aroused be commented on/looked at. He views having his visible attraction (a hard on) to someone acknowledged or touched as a vulnerability that could be exploited & result in someone trying to take advantage of him. That is not the mindset of someone who feels powerful. That is the mindset of someone who feels very, very vulnerable. Someone who is worried that they risk having their vulnerability exploited & taken advantage of at any moment.
It is one thing for Andrew to acknowledge someoneâs attraction to HIM & engage in sexual acts that will make them vulnerable/bring that person to orgasm (hand or mouth) as long as (until Neil) that person doesnât touch him. So Andrew can still feel disconnected, in some way, from the act. As long as they donât act like they are in control of the situation/in control of him. As long as they never bring it up to him outside of those acts or act entitled to him at any point. And even then, Nora describes the majority of Andrewâs hook-ups with Roland as âcautiously controlled make-outs.â Andrew isnât always giving Roland blow-jobs, yâall [Andrew also wasnât hooking up with random men outside of Roland at Edenâs. Idk why so many ppl seem to be under the assumption that Andrew was hooking up with strangers but strangers pose a much higher risk than someone Andrew knows].
Andrewâs sexuality is going to be a back-and-forth battle (especially with someone he cannot trust. Roland has to be handcuffed and yet until Neil, Andrew doesnât try to seek out anyone else b/c frankly, he probably considers himself lucky that he was able to find someone willing to be handcuffed) that means sometimes Andrew WILL feel gross about engaging in sexual behavior. He wonât always feel powerful or like heâs âwinningâ against his abusers. He will feel ashamed and awkward and uncomfortable and then probably angry that heâs feeling those things. Andrew doesnât always have to be âwinningâ or perfectly comfortable with his sexuality to prove that heâs overcome his CSA/SA or that heâs okay with being gay. Sometimes even acknowledging a man is attracted to him might make Andrew anxious and that would frankly be normal for someone with his past trauma.
I feel like sometimes ppl want to contrast Neilâs demisexuality with Andrew being gay as âAndrew is gay and therefore feels attracted to every good looking man he comes across without any problems whatsoever. He doesnât understand how Neil is only attracted to him.â Yâall⊠Andrewâs sexuality is more complicated than that due to literal CSA/SA. His relationship with his own attraction is going to be complicated. Let it be complicated! Let Andrew be jealous when Neil describes himself as ânot swingingâ b/c Andrew wishes sometimes he didnât swing. Let Andrew take comfort in Neil being demisexual. He doesnât ever have to worry about Neil being attracted to Aaron or wanting a threesome with twins. Andrew spent his childhood/adolescence having men be âphysically attractedâ to him and assaulting him b/c they didnât care about his age or mental state. Neil is attracted to who Andrew is as a person - his strength of character - first and what he looks like only registers b/c itâs Andrewâs body, but whatever body Andrew had wouldnât make a difference to Neil. Let Andrew be more comfortable in his sexuality b/c he has a trusting, long-term relationship with Neil that Andrew can focus on instead of being convinced that heâs going to be alone forever (like he was a teenager) b/c he never thought heâd be able to trust someone enough to let them in. Or that anyone would ever be trustworthy enough to be let in without trying to take advantage of Andrew in some way.
Idk. Obviously everyone is entitled to their own interpretation of characters. I think that my interpretation of Andrew is so strongly rooted in his trauma, however, that whenever I see it dismissed or only vaguely mentioned I feel like weâre not talking about Andrew Minyard anymore.
