Can I rise?

*Triggering Warning* *Sexual Absue*  *Mental illness* *Rape* *Self-Harm* 

[eyphah-ilta]

Beautiful Death

In the middle of a field on a cold winter morning she is surrounded by lilies and grass Her head on the soft mound of soil, hair spread out on the grass She smells of Lilacs  Her nails blue from all the blood she has lost  A blade in her hand  Thick scarlet slash on her wrist Blood Oozing out into the soil  She bleeds into nothingness  Closing her eyes she takes her last beautiful breath  Oh how beautiful she looks, finally at peace  Away from all her worldly worries If not for the unbeating heart and the slash on her wrist One would think she is soundly asleep

- Eyphah

[eyphah-ilta]

I am a reckless wildfire  Cleansing away your sins but getting too close would burn your whole world down I am a gentle breeze Soothing your pain and caressing your wounds I am all consuming earth  Burying your secrets in my bosom  I am a flowing river  Carrying away your past mistakes and future worries  I am ever-present spirit Always there but never seen, loving you from a distance  Gently drifting away into nothingness  Darling you could either take your pick from my many facets or you could love me whole. The choice is yours as will be the consequences. 

- Eyphah 

[eyphah-ilta]

I always imagined love to be intense and all consuming 

like a wildfire spreading through the forest 

consuming everything in its way 

I imagined it to be vigorous and thrilling 

leaving people breathless with its ferocity 

I imagined love to be reckless 

doing things without any thought or care in the world

 And the love I experienced was not only reckless, all consuming and thrilling

but it was unpredictable and confusing 

it left me questioning and wondering about the present as well as the future 

it disoriented me and drove me towards madness 

it felt like my destruction and salvation at the same time 

It was my hope as well as my coffin 

The love i felt was so pure and untainted that it burned me with its brightness 

How could it be that something so pure and  intense had the capability to either save me or destroy my whole being 

- Eyphah 

[eyphah-ilta]

I remember the exact moment I fell in love with him. 

It was him, bending down near the car door looking at me 

He was talking about his friend but i didn't really care. 

I was busy looking into his deep dark eyes

I fell in love with his deep eyes and how serious he looked.

With every second, I was falling deeper and deeper into the ocean that was his eyes 

Only this one was much more alive and dangerous 

That night I fell in love with something deep and mysterious 

-Eyphah

[eyphah-ilta]

Every second feels like million hours, too Damn slow My heart beats a bit too fast for it to be normal It’s like an heart attack  My hand are shaking  My breathing is too erratic  My thoughts are dark  My eyes see everything from dark tinted glasses as if the world is a dark place,  The sunlight is too intrusive  and It feels like I am sitting naked, exposed to the world Even though I am fully clothed Anything cheery is too damn annoying  Rejection is a part of life, its a part of me My heart feels cold, as if my soul has left my body  Happiness and safety is a distant memory, from another life maybe? I am suffering, alone and lonely, in an empty place on my own  Is this what my life is? Meaningless and Broken?  My thoughts are disoriented  I am anxious, will I ever heal? 

- Eyphah 

[eyphah-ilta]

"A blade, a knife or a rope

what will it take to make this go?"

-Eyphah

[eyphah-ilta]

I was never good enough Not for myself or anyone else for that matter I was always stuck at things Be it how i felt or the things i did At unfinished poetry or that assignment which is due the next day Escapism was and is my rule I was, maybe still am,  running away from everything that was difficult That hurt me too much I was running away from looking in the mirror I was avoiding my own reflection cause I didn't like what i saw I didn't like the person staring back at me She was a failure at everything Life, Love and Herself       - Eyphah

[eyphah-ilta]

He tore me apart by bits Broke me into pieces  and i was left picking it all up  trying to fix something broken

Eyphah

[eyphah-ilta]

I was drowning in the shadows of my past 

Not knowing where I belong

I tried to let go

But these shadows were puling me towards itself 

engulfing me into nothingness

How could I ever survive that? 

- Eyphah

[eyphah-ilta]

If you love me, you need to remember that I need to be constantly reassured about a few things 1. I am loved  2. I am worthy 3. I am pretty 4. I am still loved even if i am a mess 

If I am not constantly reminded how much you care then I will start overthinking and end up doubting everything, even our relationship. So if you love me: do that please, and if you can't do it please stop loving me. Cause it hurts to be in doubt about how you really feel, what you think of me, how much I matter. 

- Eyphah

[eyphah-ilta]

I am so used to being sad that being anything else scares me and every time I am happy, I find reasons not to be.

Eyphah

[eyphah-ilta]

She was always there

There were three of us in that relationship. Me, him and his Ex. She was always there, right around the corner. Even though she was miles away, her presence was felt deeply She was there in the gifts she left him. She was there in the things he liked or things that made him upset She was there on his social media feed, even more than I was She was there in the photographs hidden in his cupboard She was there in the the stories he would write She was there in every conversation She was there in all our fights. She was his reason to not open up She was his reason to hold on to the anger and he needed that anger to survive, or at least that what he said. Or maybe he just needed to hold on to a part of her How could I ever compete with someone who was there without even being physically present There were three of us in that relationship and it wasn’t working

-Eyphah

[eyphah-ilta]

Young Love

Ours was the young love, we had high hopes and stars in our eyes.  We thought we could bend the world to our will and fight our way through to each other.  We believed that love can fix everything, the broken pieces of the past and whatever problem may come in the future. We though it was enough to just love. Our love was the young naive kind. We opened ourselves to each other, thinking that we will be safe. Little did we know that we would end up doing the most harm to each other.  Ours was the young love, the naive kind. 

-Eyphah

[eyphah-ilta]

Always remember 3 things Princess. 1. You are the best 2. You are better than everyone, even me 3. If anyone says otherwise, they are lying

Eyphah 

[eyphah-ilta]

I went from being your Princess to a crazy bitch

Eyphah 

[eyphah-ilta]

How we first met

It was the third day of school. You were wearing your specs which you hate so much. I was late to class that day, and I noticed the way you looked at me when I entered the room. We were the first ones to finish writing something about ourselves on the slip of paper that the tutor passed everyone. I got up from my seat looking all awkward and so did you. You looked at me, and came over. The relief that I felt at that time was enormous. I showed you my writing and you showed me yours. You asked me out for lunch that day and I agreed. It was supposed to be an hour long which last three.

 Little did I know at that time I was falling for you so hard that it will be impossible for me to get back up. 

- Eyphah

[eyphah-ilta]

What I hate most about relationships ending is that it doesn't matter that the relationship is over, you still carry a part of them around. You can end a relationship and still hold on to the little things that mattered, the promise ring, the green necklace, the small notes he left you.

Eyphah