23, Female, Canada

"Self induced pain is more calming than the fear of feeling nothing"

[f0rever-w0rthless]

Many people who also suffer from bpd might know what I’m talking about when I say “favourite person”. Basically it’s a person in our lives who we put so much dependency on. They have the power to completely make or break our mood. We idolize the ground they walk on, they can make us feel like we are on top of the world. But.. they can also make us feel like ending our lives over something as small as an ignored text. It’s honestly not fair to put that much pressure on one person but you just can’t help it. Whether it’s a significant other, or a friend or a family member.. they become such an important part of your life that they have the ability to control how you view yourself. My favourite person just so happens to be my boyfriend. He is incredible.. he makes me feel on top of the world. But one little change of tone.... one late reply... and I sit in my shower for hours crying, debating breaking up with him or just ending my life entirely. It’s so irrational, and overwhelming. And then once he finally answers and apologizes for not texting back because he was busy, everything is good again and I go back to wanting to spend the rest of my life with him and being the happiest girl in the world. I truly don’t understand how I can allow someone to have that much control over my life.

[f0rever-w0rthless]

My toxic trait is that I go mia for a couple of weeks when I’m going through shit, and then I pop back up in peoples lives as if nothing happened. I truly feel bad about it but I have no energy to maintain any form of relationship when I’m struggling just to get out of bed in the morning.

[heyoh-s]

I grew up believing that I was hard to love — and that any sort of kindness was lost on someone like me.

[f0rever-w0rthless]

I wonder what it’s like to be genuinely happy without having the constant fear in the back of your head that it’s going to end and you’re going to be more miserable than ever.

[f0rever-w0rthless]

Have you ever experienced having a sincere laugh, one where you genuinely feel SO good for a moment, and all of the pain and sadness that typically consumes you.. it just disappears? But then suddenly in the middle of that laugh, you come to the realization that you won’t feel that way again for awhile. You’re not used to that feeling, that relief, and next thing you know your laugh ends in you crying because that little taste of happiness reminds you of all of the happiness you’ve missed out on in your life due to your years and years of dealing with your mental illness. Ya.. I just had that kind of laugh. And that shit hurts.

[f0rever-w0rthless]

I think the worst part about having a mental illness is the lack of understanding people have about them. My friends assume I’m being a bad friend because I constantly bail on plans because I can’t get the energy to leave my bed, or answer texts because I get so caught up in my head that I forget to check my phone. My work thinks I’m a bad employee because I frequently call in sick because I can’t bare the thought of even brushing my teeth, nevermind putting on a smile and focusing on my job for hours. My family thinks I’m unsuccessful because I’m so behind in life, due to the fact I never expected to make it this long and therefor I made no plans of a future. It’s so difficult figuring out why I’m constantly fighting a battle with my own fucking mind, and it’s even more difficult trying to explain that to everybody else.

[f0rever-w0rthless]

My friends and family think I’m getting better because I no longer talk about how badly I want to die, but the truth is I stopped telling them about it because they didn’t care anyways.

[f0rever-w0rthless]

People always say how selfish suicide is, but is it really any more selfish than expecting somebody to stay around so you don’t have to deal with the pain of losing them? You are asking somebody to fight a horrible battle with their own mind every second of every day. Not to mention the fact that when somebody is in the state of being so depressed that they want to end their life, they aren’t thinking about the people they will hurt. They are thinking about how much better off those people will be. Or about how badly they want the pain and suffering to end for themselves.

[depressed-dyke]

[f0rever-w0rthless]

It’s terrifying when the hurt you feel at 2 am when you’re alone and broken, is the same feeling you experience when it’s 1pm and you’re surrounded by friends and family

[f0rever-w0rthless]

“Tell people how you feel, open up about your feelings” why? So that my friends can reply with “same” when I tell them I’m fucking depressed? So my family can tell me to get over it? So my manager can tell me that I need to deal with it and do my job because they rely on me? Telling people how you feel does abosultely nothing except make it clear that nobody in fact gives a fuck.

[f0rever-w0rthless]

The fact a lot of my “friends” know how not ok I am, yet they never reach out to me to ask how I’m doing is fucked up. I’m there for everybody, always. Anytime they have a problem I listen. I go out of my way to check in on them. Yet I never get it reciprocated. Yet those same people would act all distraught, wishing they would’ve done more if I were to kill myself. Even though they are MORE than capable of doing more. I guess it really is true.. no one cares until it’s too late.

[satansdepressedprincess]

Part of me wants to die tonight, Part of me wants it to be an accident, And part of me wants someone to notice and stop this feeling.

[youmatterlifeline]

Reblog this for suicide prevention.

[melindasordino2019]

“Even hurting myself in new ways gets boring”

— melindasordino2019

[f0rever-w0rthless]

It’s fucking exhausting having a couple of good days in a row, getting outside for some fresh air, showering, finally cleaning, eating a proper meal.. having hope that maybe you’re finally getting better. Only for it to hit you again. Mid conversation or mid tv show you go from smiling to feeling numb. It’s almost worse to have those good days, it gives me a fall sense of hope and teases me with a glimpse of how much better life would be if I wasn’t so fucking depressed. How can I go from making so much progress to instantly wanting to die again. I’m starting to feel as if there’s no hope.. like I’ll feel this way forever. I don’t think I can do it anymore.

[f0rever-w0rthless]

PSA for all of the people out there who have loved ones struggling with a mental illness. I know you mean well by telling them to come to you whenever, but what you don’t understand is that majority of the time when someone is suffering, they don’t reach out. What they need is for someone to reach out to them. To consistently ask them how their doing. Admitting you’re hurting is an incredibly hard thing to do, and saving someone the “embarrassment” or “humiliation” of asking for help, can make a huge difference.