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@fadedinterstates
Welcome to my blog!
I basically made this blog as a place to process my thoughts about sexuality and gender identity.
What am I:
A human being. A black 23 yo transfem from the Midwest. Former EMT. Preachers kid. Libertarian leaning politically.
What I am not:
- Neurotypical
- For the BS
- Pro Pedo Prez
- Your talking point
- A pushover
- An atheist
- Pro organized religion
Let me know if you connect with anything I post!
On God and transness, from the POV of someone early in their transition
TW: mention of suicide
I feel like God put trans people on this earth to remind others how beautiful this life is. Trans joy is so deep and visceral because you don’t know how much it means to just be HAPPY, baseline HAPPY, until you live for years and years and years in darkness. You don’t know how much it matters to be able to look in the mirror and feel GOOD until you live a life of looking in the mirror and hating it. It’s so easy to take the ones who love you and support you unconditionally for granted, unless you are confronted with the fear and reality that they WON’T.
Trans people know to not take this life for granted because far too many of us have considered taking our lives.
So when people say, “God made you exactly the way you were meant to be,” and mean it with malice, I look them in the eye and say, “I agree.”
its pride month, tumblr. you know what that means
I love to tell the story
TRIGGER WARNING
So, I want to start out by saying sometimes my post will have religious themes / topics. This is just how I grew up and talking sbout my journey growing up as a Queer POC in the United States.
If this is a sensitive topic for you I understand. I am also likely to talk about cancer, death, emotional abuse and trauma. Discretion is advised.
WHAT IS THE STORY?
The story in its abbreviated version is this. I came out to my brother at the age of fifteen while our parents were out of town. I explained to him in an email I was trans. I just checked and the exact date was 9/29/2018. He was the first person I came out to offline and it speaks to how important he was to me.
His response? "I would keep that to yourself". He went into some brief specifics of how they weren't ready to deal with that and dad probably wouldn't be receptive. But he made it clear he would love me no matter what.
My brother was the only one who believed me. A few years later (I do not have a specific date) I told my mother. She just could not comprehend how the child she percieved as her youngest boy could possibly be a girl. She came up with every excuse possible. She told me (in so many words) I didn't like the right kinds of things for that to be true. Tried to insinuate it was just a phase. She might have promised to love me as well - but unfortunately it was overshadowed by the fact she didn't believe me.
I also blame myself because I simply could not muster the courage to "say it with my chest". I was so terrified I struggled to look mom in the eyes. I mentally checked-out (disassociated) so hard I was not entirely present in the moment. I was so convinced the results would shatter my world in such an irreparable way and in some ways I was right.
I simply said (something to the affect of) "I will do what I want to do in my room and I guess that's how things will be until I move out". And that is pretty much how things have been. She never even went through the trouble of attempting to switch to gender neutral language in reference to me.
Is it bad in some ways I blame my younger self? If I had pushed the issue more when I was younger - maybe, even if they didn't believe me then, they would believe me now. But I was a very timid kid who didn't want to upset the apple-cart.
And now here I am at nearly twenty-three and I am asking myself yet again is it worth it. I still hear my mother telling me how I like sports, own replica guns, etc. How hard being a black woman (which is actually objectively a fair point). But I just don't know how I can go on like this. And its not because I'm going to do anything drastic or permanent but I just simply think (at minimum) trying to live a dual life and to please my parents is driving me.
But that's another story for another day.
