Pretending at a Poetic Persuasion

Notes I Wrote to Myself in the Early Morning

[fadingfalling]

One day

You will wake up

and realized that you have lost me

[fadingfalling]

I stayed quiet because I thought it would kill me

If I had to explain why it hurt from what he had done

Because it all seemed so innocent in the light of the morning

And explaining my terror felt like dragon slaying

But I am tired of living in the margins

And all that quiet now hangs heavy enough to bleed

While I don’t yet know how to shed the helplessness of the princess

Or reclaim the piece of me I lost to him  

It is time for me to change who writes the story

I have cried too long to be afraid

[fadingfalling]

i am

inconsistent

ebbing and flowing

like light from a false star

but you

who has stayed

in spite of me

you

are the sun

[fadingfalling]

I am not the marginal kind of girl

Who you can push off into the corner once you’ve had your fill

The kind of girl you string up by the wayside

Because you think it is funny to make girls cry

But the marginal girls deserve more as well

It’s not their fault the world has taught them not to be brave

What we deserve is a world without people like you

A world where we no longer need to hide

[fadingfalling]

Maybe I was foolish to think I could be the princess

When I have the ungainly claws of a bear

And although I know that I am too clumsy for love

If only I were able to caress you like lovers do

[fadingfalling]

Alas, I do not have your bravery

I transform as the shadows break for dawn

Becoming too small to be worthy

But soft, your kiss

And finally, I think I have become whole

[fadingfalling]

But my armor crumpled as I came down the banister

When you caught me by the arm to spin me into dance

And I never knew true beauty until the firelight reflected in your eyes

Turned me into a princess in your arms

[fadingfalling]

And so I sought you out by midnight

In order to learn the name of your skin

I had no weapons, so I made my flowers into armor

To shield me from the fire in your grace

[fadingfalling]

I do not understand the weary ways of your solitude

Or your contentedness to stand alone in the rain

How your dress never seems to touch you as you dance

Or the self-containment of your smile

[fadingfalling]

Let’s pretend we live in a beautiful world

Where people mean it when they smile

[fadingfalling]

I wonder if you will ever see all the miracles that brought you to life

And realize you are made of more than you know

I wonder when you will learn to love yourself

And how I can bring you home

[fadingfalling]

You end up alone 

With your god in the dark

All because 

Of your spun sugar heart

[fadingfalling]

You are someone who does not know the sound of longing

[fadingfalling]

Maybe time is the illusion that separates me from you

[fadingfalling]

I have saved all my longing for a man who will never come

[fadingfalling]

I went because you were good to me

And stayed in spite of my hopes

For the scarcity of true romance consigned me to dreaming  

And they all said love would come if I waited

But wait has turned to wasting

Now I am too old for fairy tales and candy-soft romance

Though some days, I still search for contentment somewhere outside my window

I have grown past the time when one could come for me

[fadingfalling]

And it is easy to love by candlelight

When you wish for a protector from the monsters

But dawn strips away your shadow romance

Rusting the armor of your delusion

Still, there is a chance for something beautiful

When all your loves lie bleeding

Remember who you are in the solitude and the stillness

And maybe then you will have a chance to be happy