2018 so far.
I need to shoot it straight with you guys.
I’ve heard of hurt and confusion on your end of things. I hope to inspire some clarification.
Let’s rewind to December... or maybe even November. Possibly May 2017. 2017 was the most confusing year of my life while 2018 then become straight up discombobulating. How can I account for a myself and how i come out of a relationship that lasted a measly 10 months... or maybe 18 depending on how you look at it. To be clear, I am still trying to make sense of it on my own. Well not completely on my own, I pay someone a good amount of money just to talk about my mind’s thoughts and my heart’s hurts.
I fell in love with a man. For some reason that's always the beginning of the end for me. Which is why I am so picky and don’t do it often. Falling in love turns my life to shreds. It leaves the people that I know and love behind and confused. It’s happened once... twice...and now three times. For the record it destroys me. I don’t know how to process my past, and therefore can’t begin to hope for my future. I know vaguely what I want, but these days I can’t even hope. Being honest with myself is the hardest part... which is why being an honest and open with you is even harder.
I hope you have a cuppa, this could be a while.
In November, the man i loved and hoped for and believed for told me “he didn’t know”. He told me he couldn’t choose me, and therefore couldn’t even be friends with me, because otherwise he’d never be able to move on from me. Because that makes sense right?
So I pushed the loss of hope, the rejection aside, and determined within myself to push him behind me, and move on. I didn’t confront my hurt, my confusion, my loss... that’s now how I roll. I move on, stay active, pour myself into distractions ranging from work, travel. or... a house? (that's another story for another time). My shoving my hurt and heart ache aside worked for a grand total of one whole month.
Then the strangest thing happened. The man that I was so hurt by was the only one to speak truth and identity to a different type of a hurt heart. The confusion within me swirled around me and dropped me out of mid air. At that point I couldn’t process anything. I could only dwell on how much I missed the man I had chosen to love, but had not chosen me despite him knowing me so deeply.
I was a mess, and I was broken. But even I didn’t know the extent of it.
I barely carried myself through the holidays. All i thought of was the past year and its highs and lows. I remembered a Christmas in love, and ached for it.
At this point some people started to clue in... but barely. Which I completely understand. It’s the holidays, there’s happiness and joy and cheer, who is going think about me? No one, and while sad, it’s also okay and understood. But even so, New Year’s Eve was looming. I thought about the party, my friends, nearly all of them couples and seemingly happy. I couldn’t muster the energy to put a smile on my face and pretend to be happy.
I couldn’t do it. The thought filled me with a deep dread.
Please know, all of these feeling were so new and foreign to me that I didn’t even wholly know what was happening. And so, I did what I knew best. I ran away.
I decided to work NYE, and be “responsible.” But in all honesty I was sick. Physically... Emotionally... Mentally. All of it. I didn’t know the extent of it at the time. Truly. All I knew, is that I couldn’t muster the strength to be present and “strong” around those who know me the best. That’s how bad it was.
So away I flew. I came home being unable to speak due to my first ever bout of Laryngitis, but I came home ready to start fresh. Ready to take control of my heart and mind, and push 2017 behind me.
Then I found out news that truly devastated and broke me.
My ex had been invited to a party by a close friend. A party that consisted of my people, my clan. He was invited and he attended. I still have no idea why, and mark it as the second most selfish thing he has ever done. The thoughts ran through my brain... “my friends like him more than me,” “he rejected me but wants my world,” “did he go there hoping to see me?” “if he was there, what else will he be at? -- Do I have to be prepared at all times to see him?” “I’M NOT READY TO SEE HIM!,” “If my friends are inviting him to stuff, they’re not safe.,” “Who are these people that would choose my ex over me, someone they’ve known for 10+ years,” “everyone likes my ex better than me, he’s more likable” and SO ON AND SO FORTH. The endless series of thoughts fed the next and wouldn’t end. It took weeks for them to even slow down. Imagine, if you can, the torment of being rejected and not chosen by the man whom you had committed to in so many ways, not being enough for him... but also your whole people group then choosing that person and no one taking care of you in the process.
I recognize that this is all extreme and that there are plenty of untruths in all of this. But I was so alone, and had no one to turn to because I had built up my friend group to be so intertwined and mingled, that there was no undoing the the interwoven complexities of relationships all around me. Everyone was connected, and by few degrees were connect to Him. So therefore, no one was safe.
In my hurt, anger, bitterness, confusion, and sadness (all terrible feeling, btw), I shut down all the way. I powered down and told everyone I was going hermit status. I couldn’t cope and I couldn’t process. I felt like my world had crumbled around me a hundred times over. it was so brutal.
I poured myself into work and distracted myself by buying a house... because that’s all i could grasp for. I had nothing. I felt empty, betrayed, rejected and hurt. But how do you face that all alone? Quick answer, you don’t!
January trudged by. After a few weeks of ignoring the outside world and pushing everyone away, I decided to reach out to a friend for insight and wisdom. I respected her, and knew she would tell me straight up if I was completely out of line. I had to sit in her driveway sobbing for at least 15 minutes before she came out and got me. I spent the next five, 5!, hours on her couch, blubbering and crying and trying to sort out one train of thought from the other. In the end, she never said I was way off track, she just said, “your heart is hurting and that’s true and valid.” And that marked the first time I hadn’t felt totally crazy.
From there, I built out step by step. I talked to Amy, I talked to my dad, then next day I talked to my mom. They all could finally glimpse the madness and confusion within me. They saw into my heart and its hurt. They heard me, and didn’t reject me. And that meant the world. They knew me, they saw my ugly, and they still chose to love me despite.
So I felt like I was rebuilding.
Then I ran into a friend post church one Sunday. When I saw her, my heart lurched. I missed her, it was as simple as that. We had a quick two minute casual exchange, and walking away my heart swelled thinking that I was slowly normalizing back to the “old fairlight.” then two hours later, I received an angry text... a text... communicating a lot of judgement towards me. it was very attacking and shocking, and it sent me right back down again.
I felt like an injured animal in a way... I was inching towards a friendly hand, but then that hand smacked me behind the head and sent me running. I could only cower and wonder what all my other “friends” thought of me.
This is the point in the story that one very good and wise friend asked me if I ever would consider talking to a professional about all that I was going through.
After seeing him and talking through my year’s experience thus far, he validated my heart hurt. My injury came from my ex, yes, but also my people, my clan. The way I build my community is very focused. I used to say that my goal in life was “For all my friends to be friends with all my friends.” To me, that would be glorious. I love my people, and want them all to love each other as well. But when I cut out the group that was connected to the ex, I had to cut everyone.
It took reconnecting with my high school friends that I barely saw or talked to to realize I needed people not connected to him in any way. I needed space and time to heal. I knew I had to recede from all my social life. I had to feel safe with myself, and then a few, and then handful, before reconnecting. initially I had estimated a year of hermit status. But I made it to 6 months, and finally I’m seeing the flicker of hope in the distance. My heart doesn’t ache... and to be clear, it was never broken. I won’t give him that. I can’t. I am strong, but I am so so weak. I am tired of holding myself up without the support of my community. I am this, and I am that. I can’t explain it all the way.
But please realize, I have started to reframe that whole word of “community” and its meaning in my life. Who are my people? What are my expectations for my friendships. Am I allowed to even have exceptions? Some say yes, and some say no. So where does that leave me? I literally have no idea. If you can, please bear with me.
This story continues and turn, and takes a couple of sharp curves that I didn’t even expect.
But what I want you all to know, is that I am rebuilding, I miss most of you so intensely and deeply, but truly fear the consequences of my own brokenness. I’ve reached out to a few, and have been warmly received and accepted. While others I’ve only heard radio silence. I don’t hold that contrast again anyone. We are all doing the best we can. Maybe my best feels like your bare minimum.
I’m truly deeply sorry if you were hurt and rejected by my response (or lack thereof) to you. I hope my words illuminate some of the muck I was working my way through. I’m trying my darnedest to come out of it. I’ve been wanting to write all of this for at least three months, but it’s been scary to sit down and write this all out. I’m trying to get healthy again. Some of you might note the lack of mention of God in all of this. I won’t shy away from the fact that the chasm of distance I’ve felt between Him and I is vast. I wondered where He was, where was His voice, His hope, that strength I hear so much about... Trust me, I’ve heard all of the trite responses to the pain and hurt I’ve experience this year and last. They don’t help. While He feels far way, I know he’s there. I’m still in a grieving process. I was angry, I was so mad. So I pushed Him away, too. I’ll circle back around when it’s time, and I think it’s nearly time. So don't worry, I’m not a hopelessly lost little lamb. I’ll be okay.
