Secretly a spider

I'm just a boy whose intentions are food.  I have a degree - once I get another 89, I'll be right. I have a job in footwear retail - I suppose I've sold my sole.  To receive all these atrocious, unoriginal jokes and more, sign up to this irregularly posting nightmare blog. You won't thank me later, but eventually the number of real followers I have will equal the porn bots.

[hawaiiansdonotblog]

[dreamergirly]

I weep bcause I think I hardly ever read anything funnier

[littlegraycats]

there’s this church sign i pass every day that says “hurt people hurt people” and i know it’s supposed to mean like “people who are hurt, hurt people” but it sounds like a command

[littlegraycats]

HURT PEOPLE

HURT PEOPLE

[grumsal]

they’re *finally* making sexy oliver twist

[ajyson]

“please, daddy, i want some more”

[jonbutter]

not only do i want this post deleted, but i want the entire channel of NBC deleted right this minute

[knowwhatimeme]

[paxamericana]

[nightlifemingus]

im everyone who selected a patch of ocean hundreds of miles from the nearest coastline

[stumbleonhometomycats]

this is the greatest tweet of 2018

[hallucin8]

Dirty talk but you both use your customer service voice

[lo-kaia]

Thanks I hate it

[fifty-shadesofgay]

partner: *cums*

me: great! will you be needing anything else today?

[ruffboi-mags]

Customer service but you use your dirty talk voice

[taviacw]

You’re a nasty little bitch aren’t you? Trying to return these shoes after 30 days.

[spragnione]

[hustleinatrap]

In honor of 19-year-old Simone Biles being named Woman Of The Year by ESPN. 

She won a record four gold medals at the Olympics. She’s untouchable!

Congratulations!

[tanosaurus]

okay but she is just literally flying. She doesn’t obey the laws of physics. She is her own law. Biles Law. Coolest woman ever.

[setheverman]

hey guys i have taken over the official swedish twitter account @sweden for the week which means i am now legally the king and also prime minister of sweden (go there and interact with my tweets please i am begging you)

[setheverman]

[setheverman]

[setheverman]

god i am so sorry…..

[yourcutestories]

This oxygen mask is bullshit I look nothing like oxygen

[drinkyourjuiceshelby]

Depends on who’s asking

[sensei-wrong-deactivated2018121]

[otarsus]

This is the best D&D

[theangriestlittleunicorn]

“I have a dexterity of bad” is my favorite

[jewishdragon]

im imagining a character that everytime they shape change, there is a chance that they revert to a different playable race from their born one EACH time and have to adjust their stats and abilities accordingly

[dannyburgess]

Cyberpunk 2077 looks pretty awesome, I couldnt resist doing a little bit of art inspired by it.  This is totally unofficial, just for fun.  you can check out  CD Projekt RED CyberPunk 2077 here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjF9GgrY9c0&t=109s

[humansoflatecapitalism]

[sushinfood]

it is absolutely insane that this is cgi

[ashashi-corner]

My profession is amazing????

Like dude that sand alone is stunning

[impossiblerebelblaze]

I love these kinds of videos because they’re super impressive but also the dumbest things and always make me laugh my ass off

[josskuhh]

Battlefront II : Maul 

[jongyyy]

[fakedeadprothean]

“Hey Mrs. Weiner, what’s another name for two weeks?”