BAU Job Application Form
thank you for your interest in joining the bau
requirements for the position include:
field experience
firearms qualifications and training
references from at least one other government agency
references from a professor and/or superior at the academy
candidates who suffer from car sickness need not apply
candidates who suffer from travel sickness on planes need not apply.
candidates who suffer from travel sickness on helicopters need not apply
a traumatic childhood is advised
mommy and/or daddy issues are encouraged
one or more dead parents is preferred, if no dead parents, we'll accept a dead sibling at a push
applying candidates must be in possession of perfect facial features
skinny queens only unless you're our personality hire
the ability to mindread is unfortunately a non-negotiable (we'll often announce that 'we need to give the profile' without conferring with each other, and you need to be ready to do your part immediately)
any successful candidates will have the highest pain tolerance known to man
please arrive with the acceptance that at some point you WILL experience at least one - but almost definitely more than one - of the following: abduction, gun shot wounds, knife wounds, grievous bodily harm, forced cannibalism, electrocution, the potential to be buried alive, adoption of a secret identity, travel to another part of the world almost certainly against your own free will, the certain endangerment and possible murder of a family member or friend, drugging and/or death (perhaps more than once)
we hold a united and consistent disdain for authority, so candidates who are opposed need not apply
children of serial killers welcome
addicts welcome
vigilantes welcome
rogue agents encouraged
please prepare your best, most disdainful 'ma'am'. you will be asked to demonstrate this at some point during the interview process, and your ability to deliver with conviction will affect the success of your application.
