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if you ever feel powerless just remember one of your dookies can shut down an entire waterpark

#power #girlboss #men eat my ass #stranger things #stranger things x reader

It's my 4 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

GUYS HOLY SHIT YESTERDAY WAS FARTQUEN12 ACCOUNT BIRTHDAY

BE NICE SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY RIGHT NOW

#4 year tumblrversary #tumblr milestone

28gaugeshotgunshells

Trilateral Conflict

Joe Goldberg x F!Reader x Y! Wilbur Soot x Y! Anon’s OC (Ren)

Word Count: 4k

Disclaimers: Toxic behavior, stalking, break ins

Synopsis: It’s your birthday, you thought you weren’t getting anything. Three unwanted someones prove you wrong.

Birthdays, a yearly commemoration thrown together because everyone gets older.

Well, they weren’t always a commemoration.. or thrown together for that matter. Yours certainly wasn’t going to be, not this year at least. Far away from home, with little to no free-schedule friends around, you were looking at one dreary birthday.

A sudden chime from your phone has you reaching over to check it, with a simple press of the power button the digital screen flickers to life. What greets you is an unexpected message. Joe: Happy Birthday! 🎂 read 6:13 am

This message was from your.. next door neighbor, you believed. The one straight across from yourself. Huh. The both of you had interacted from time to time, first when you moved in and he helped you with a few boxes and then of course when some crazy asshole had slashed your tires and he aided you in replacing them. That was the instance you’d given him your number too..

Anyhow, you two didn’t talk a lot, so it felt a little odd for him to remember such a specific detail about you. You can’t even recall when you must’ve told him. Weird. Not that you were ungrateful though! It was nice to get some acknowledgement on this day of ‘yours’. With a quick few presses on the screen, you shoot back a short yet grateful response. He was a nice guy.

Thank you, Joe! delivered

With that, you shoved your phone right into your purse, and then finished up with some morning flossing. You did have your shitty office job to attend after all.

fartquen12

HOLY REAL PEAK!!

fanggful

@fartquen12 @28gaugeshotgunshells

fartquen12

fartic phone

thehum4n1ty

dont you know my name is mr.stealyoboy?

@fartquen12

fartquen12

corset crush gf...?

no youre not.

i typed out the whole ref but i accidentally deleted it and now im pissed

mercmk

I'm ovulating rn and I love these pictures so much and I wanted to just clarify some of the things that these pictures does to me

First picture is a screenshot I took btw you can find all of them on Pinterest :3

I need this man to fuckin use me!!! I need him to fuck the hell out of me as much as he wants, as much as he can, as much as I can take I need to fuckin pass out and I need him to just fuckin wake me up so he can continue!! I need him to fuckin violate me, choke me, overstimulate me, make me cry as much as he fuckin wants!! We can try every fuckin position, every fuckin place, every fuckin bed!! I need him to eat me as his last fuckin meal at least 10 times a day!!! I wanna feel his tongue inside me as much as I wanna feel his dick inside me!!! I wanna take all of his dick as violently as he fuckin wants!!! I don't wanna just feel his tip touching my cervix no I wanna feel him in my fuckin womb!!!! I wanna be left shaking and crying and so fuckin tired that I can't move a single muscle AND I'LL STILL ASK FOR MORE!!!! I need him to fuckin make me cum till I physically and biologically can't!! I need him to fuckin cum inside me till he physically and biologically can't!! I have no absolute fuckin problem to suck it for living!!! I'll suck it as my only source of nutrition if he fuckin wants me to!! I wanna gag on it, choke on it, cry on it, I wanna lose my voice just to please him!! I need him to fuckin ruin me!! To fuckin destroy me!! And I'll still ask for more!! I need my body to be a FUCKIN CANVAS for his marks!! I need him to bite me, bruise me, fill my whole fuckin body with hickeys and I won't mind!!!!!!! I need him to fill me!!! I want every hole to be fuckin filled!!! I'm so fuckin jealous of his hands!! Like man please you can use me why are using your hands to fuckin jerk it when I exist!!!!!!! I NEED HIM TO FUCKIN USE ME WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!!!!! WHY AM I HERE???? I BELONG ON HIS THIGH!!!!!!! I WANNA RIDE HIS THIGH IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR!!!!! NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND HOW PAINFUL IT IS THAT I'M NOT BOUNCING ON IT ALL DAY AS I ALWAYS WANTED!!!!! IF I HAD THREE WISHES I'LL WISH TO BE ROUGHLY FUCKED BY THIS MAN 3 FUCKIN TIMES!!!! I NEED HIM!!!! I FUCKIN NEED HIM!!!! PLEASE WILLIAM LET ME HIT!!!! JUST FUCKIN LET ME HIT!!! JUST FUCK ME MAN I'M ALL FUCKIN YOURS JUST PLEASE FUCKIN USE ME!!!!!!!!!! USE MY FUCKIN CUNT AS YOUR SEX TOY I!! DON'T!! FUCKIN!! MIND!!!!

fartquen12

i was looking at the pictures and i was like ya fine shyt!!

but.. then i clicked keep reading 😐 i am very disappointed buddy

fartquen12

its my birthday soon so can I please ask for a deanwinchester x eric northman x bill compton x klaus mikaelson x elijah mikaelson x kol mikaelson x stefan salvatore x damon salvatore x reader fic where its the readers birthday and shes hunting with dean but her crazy vampire exes are super pissed off because shes secretly joe goldbergs sister and shes super crazy like joe goldberg and she stole their underwear and stuff and they want it back? and its her birthday

𝙇𝙖𝙧𝙘𝙚𝙣𝙞𝙨𝙩.

pairing!!: dean winchester x eric northman x bill compton x klaus mikaelson x elijah mikaelson x kol mikaelson x stefan salvatore x damon salvatore (all separate) x fem!reader

trigger warning !!: reader being a perv 😓, underwear stealing.., yandere behaviors??, vampires, blood, mentions of death, ghost hunting.., dean winchester being dean winchester, abusive parents, kids in the system, smutty things kind of mentioned?? a/n!!: this is my first time writing a fic for this many characters so i apologize if its a bit all over the place 💔 i tried to cross them as well as a could </33 anyway happy birthday anon!! i hope you enjoy!! word count: 4.2k

» [carry on wayward son] « 0:00 ─〇───── 0:00 ⇄ ◃◃ ⅠⅠ ▹▹ ↻

you grew up in new york city, you were always a city girl and loved the sights, you fell inlove with the city as if it were the prettiest thing you'd ever seen. but you were thrown away as a child, forcing you to leave the city. you grew up with a shitty mom and an abusive dad and at most times, it felt like it was just you and your older brother joe against the world. he was the only reason you could put up with your parents, that was until the incident.

when joe killed your father you were both put in the system immediately. you were promised by multiple caretakers that you would get to stay with your brother but that wasn't the case. as you went from home to home you quickly lost all contact with your brother. you promised yourself you'd see him the second you "grew" up. but as you were tossed around you moved state to state and the further from the city you were, the more that hope dissolved. when you finally turned eighteen you found yourself in the city of mystic falls, virginia.

you weren't one for small towns but you found it charming once you had settled in. you had spent the last 5 years there in the final foster home you were in. you didn't mind it but you promised yourself you wouldn't make connections there, figuring you would have to leave again eventually. but that wasn't the case. over the years you found yourself to make a lot of close friends as well as go through a few relationships. dating had never really been something you thought you'd be interested in but once you tried it you never wanted to be alone again. you did date a few assholes though.

you weren't the most average girl in highschool. you found yourself becoming a cheerleader and quickly were the girl who'd been with "every guy in the school" but to be honest you couldn't care less. though as you got older, you found yourself getting a bit of... self respect and you just wanted out of all of it. you were tired of constantly being hit on and having several men lined up to try to get in your pants.

so you left.

you drove and drove and you didn't know where you were going but you just wanted out. eventually, you knew you had to stop after days and days of driving all day, eating out, staying in hotels and never getting enough sleep. i mean you were acting like a wanted man, and you were tired of it. you once again, found yourself in a new city. "new orleans". wasn't your favorite place, but it'd have to do for now. you stumbled upon some country diner on the side of the road and decided you'd at least try to work there. you did have a lot of experience in the food business after working the past two years at the mystic bar and grill, even though you spent most of your time flirting with men instead of actually working.. it wasn't like that mattered anyway.

you actually fixed yourself a nice life. i mean you had a job, an apartment, and a boyfriend. for a little while anyway, that was until you met dean. he was so peculiar to you. him and his brother constantly rushing from city to city, never settling down. but part of you missed that. the rush of never knowing where you were going or what you were doing, you wanted it back. as months went on, dean and sam would occasionally stop by to stay with you when they were in the city.

after multiple visits full of prying you finally found out why they did the things they did. they were "demon hunters" which at first you totally laughed at thinking it was just another one of deans jokes. but it wasnt. you ultimately decided to follow them around, leaving your life once again, hoping to be somewhat of a help. you had no idea why they even let you but they did.

fast forward a few months and you were all on another one of your demon hunts. this time you were meant to find a few ghosts that had been causing mayhem once again. your footsteps creaked the wooden floors under you as you stepped into the old victorian style home, reported to be the home of the ghosts or whatever you were even there for.

"stinks in here..." sam mumbled as he shined his flashlight around, looking up the staircase.

the place was in absolute ruins, wallpaper chipped off walls, floors completely decomposed, the once beautiful spiral staircase missing majority of its wooden railing, i mean this place must be infested with termites.

"its kinda sad." you said looking at the carefully placed paintings.

"what is" dean said shoveling around in his bag looking for god knows what. "the state of this place, i mean im sure someone really loved this place at one point. its just sad that its gotten the way it is." you said frowning at the family photos scattered across the walls.

"don't worry, the owners are still here loving this place the same." dean said scoffing as his EMF absolutely erupted with presence once turned on.

you rushed over to look at the little machine skyrocketing, impressed because you hadn't seen anywhere quite this bad.

"you think they're dangerous..?" you said looking up at dean.

"probably." dean said shoving the device into his backpack before grabbing his flashlight and heading off down the hallway.

"jeez this place sure does give me the creeps." sam whispered following you two down the hall.

"you think you're creeped out.... imagine how i feel" you said anxiously peeking around the corner unsure of what you might find.

the further into the house you went the more unsure you became if there was actually anything there... i mean the EMFS were going off left and right but you really couldn't find anything.

"you find anything sammy?" dean said hovering over sams shoulder looking hopeless.

"not really.." sam mumbled on while sitting in an old chair looking through some papers that had been scattered on the desk.

"well this blows." dean said shoving his flashlight into his bag before sighing and staring at the room, crossing his arms.

sam scoffed before getting up and shoving a few things into his pocket before leaving and getting into the car. you two followed closely behind him, getting in the car before driving off.

the car ride back to the motel was quiet. the air was thick and you could feel the tension forming. dean always hated when they couldn't find anything after thinking they had such a good lead.

while dean was supposed to be driving back to the motel, you noticed him swing a right where he would usually turn left. you wanted to ask what he was doing, but you figured if it was an accidental turn then he'd be pissed so you chose to say nothing.

when you finally stopped staring at your shoelaces as if they were the most interesting thing you'd ever seen you noticed dean smiling, and when you glanced at sam through the rearview mirror you noticed him smiling too.

"what are you two smiling about..." you said looking at the two before deciding to focus your attention on the view outside your window.

"nothin" dean said looking back at sam and smirking before turning the radio on.

you scoffed looking at them before watching the road ahead of you. you watched as dean drove down old backroads unsure of where you were even headed. but you chose to just focus on the music and ignore whatever the two had planned.

you watched as dean pulled into this old bar..

"seriously." you said staring at dean.

he let out a laugh and winked at you before hopping out of the car, slamming the door behind him. the three of you headed into the crowded bar finding yourselves a seat at the nearest table. you sat yourself across from the two, and as they picked up their menus you decided to begin questioning.

"so you guys wanna tell me why we're here or what."

"nah i think its funnier if we just never say" dean said smirking at sam before looking at sam to see him giving dean a hugeee side eye and then dropping his smile..

"its your birthday. and well.. we thought we'd do something nice." sam said smiling at you.

"oh come on guys you didnt have to-"

"no we wanted to- and I know youre not a big fan of the whole gift thing.. but.." sam said rummaging through his pockets, pulling out a little silver box.

"oh you guys..." you said taking the box into your hands.

"well, go on open it." dean said staring at you.

you pulled off the ribbon and opened it up to find a delicate diamond necklace perfectly placed in the center of the box.

you were lost for words i mean you didn't expect anything but you really didnt expect this.

"i- thank you guys..." you said smiling at the two before sam came over and offered to put it on you.

once he had sat back down a waitress came over, rambling on about how sorry she was it took a bit for her to get to you guys considering the bar was so packed that night. she took your orders and headed back to the kitchen, bringing back a few drinks of your choices. you thanked her and struck up some conversation with the two while enjoying your meals once they finally arrived.

though you couldnt shake a weird feeling. there was a group of men across the bar playing pool and you swore you knew them... they just sounded so familiar but you couldnt actually see them since they were somewhere behind you.

eventually, curiousity got the best of you and you decided to peek behind you. but you made eye contact with one of them.

shit.

that wasnt a pool table room full of random guys having fun on a saturday night. that was a pool table room full of your ex boyfriends mystic falls!

"hey- you okay??" sam said looking at you

you quickly turned back around

"yeah im all good." you said looking down at your half eaten burger.

"hey... dean check it out." sam said gesturing to those men you were so concerned about.

"holy shit.. is that them." dean said slowly turning to sam.

"is that who!??! guys- what are you talking about!??!" you said whisper-yelling to them.

"well. that is a table full of the vampires we have been searching for, for the past 6 years." dean said scoffing before pulling his phone out.

"woah woah, what are you doing?" sam said angrily to dean

"i gotta call bobby, we need to figure out what to do since we aren't really prepared to stake a bunch of vamps right now sammy." dean said in a mocking tone.

sam grabbed deans phone and slammed it shut before pulling his ear close.

"listen. those vampires youre so worried about can probably hear us, so you might wanna shut your pie hole." sam said before awkwardly fake coughing and looking around.

*loud footsteps*

"well well well, if it isnt the mystic falls motherfucker." ...

you slowly looked up to see six or seven vampires staring down at you.

"oh.. hey guys-"

"listen piece of shit i want my underwear back." stefan said scoffing at you.

and suddenly the whole room was filled with full grown men angrily agreeing.

"I HAVE HAD TO WEAR ESTHERS THONG FOR THE PAST 5 YEARS. YOU THINK AN ALPHA LIKE ME LETS A GIRL GO AFTER THAT!??!?! I THINK THE FUCK NOT. I WANT MY FUCKING ALPHA LINED UNDERWEAR BACK." KLAUS ANGRILY EXCLAIMED.

"LADIES LADIES CHILL OUTUH!!!" YOU SAID.

"THE FUCK DID YOU CALL ME!!" KOL SAID IN HIS MIX OF AMERICAN, AUSTRALIAN, AND BRITISH ACCENT.

"hey im pretty sure ive seen you in another country.." you said looking suspiciously at him

"THE FUCK!!" DAMON YELLED OUT.

"ALRIGHT LISTEN UP MYSTIC FALLS FAT BALLS!!! YOU GUYS ARENT GETTING SHIT!. I SOLD ALL YOUR UNDERWEAR ON THE DARK WEB YOU REDNECK HILLBILLIES NOW GET THE FUCK OUT IM TRYING TO GET DEAN TO LET ME GET LUCKY TONIGHT!!!" YOU YELLED ABSOLUTELY FUMING.

"LISTEN HERE YOU BITCH!!" BILL SAID GRABBING YOUR WRIST, ERIC GRABBING IT TOO LIKE TWO KARENS FIGHTING FOR THE LAST KITCHENAID MIXER ON A BLACK FRIDAY.

"NO YOU LISTEN HERE YOU LORDFARQUAD HAIRY BUTTHOLE REDNECK OLD ASS LOOKING BITCH! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS EVEN DOING HERE. I MEAN ARENT YOU LITTLE BUTTFUCKER TURD BURGERLARS SUPPOSED TO BE IN MYSTIC FALLS. WAS IT POOPNADO SEASON OR SOMETHING HUH!?!?! OR PORNADO!?!??! THE FUCK!!" YOU SAID THROWING BACK A LARGE SHOT OF GINATONIC!!!

"what the .. fuck." they all said in sync staring at you.

"OH COME ON SALVATING SALVATORE BROS AND MIKEALSON MOTHERFUCKERS!!! and whatever you other two incest looking mother fuckers are... I MEAN YOU'RE ALL THE SAME SINCE YOURE ALL FROM MYSTIC FALLS THE CITY WITH THE POOP THAT CALLS!!!!!" YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY DYING OF LAUGHTER YOU WERE ABOUT TO PISS YUOUR PANTS> YOU LOOKED OVER AT SAM AND DEAN LIKE I LOOK OVER AT THE SHITTY SIBLINGS WHEN IM SHOWING THEM A VIDEO I MADE AND I WANT THEM TO LAUGH.. but they werent laughing.... "listen shes had a bit too much to drink.." dean said awkwardly laughing before looking down..

"OH MY GHOD OH MY GOD!!!" YOU STARTED SCREAMING WHEN YOU HEARD THE INTRO TO "CARRY ON WAYWARD SON" BEGIN PLAYING IN THE BAR. YOU PUSJED YOUR WAY THROUGH ALL THOSE FAT ASS VAMPIRE AND STARTED ABSOLUTELY BUSTING IT DOWN ON THE DANCE FLOOR. YOU DIDNT MIND THE FACT THAT YOUR RED SHIRT HAD FALLEN OFF AND NOW YOU WERE LEFT IN SHORTS, FISHNETS, AND A WHITE TANK- MAKING YOU LOOK LIKE A TOTAL WHITE TRASH TRAILER TRASH HOMELESS STRIPPER BUT YOU DIDNT GIVE A FUH!! YOU WERE WAVING YOUR ARMS AROUND LIKE ABSOLUTE CRAZYNESS!!

"I HEAR THE VOICES WHEN IM DREAMING!!!!!!! I CAN HEAR THEM SAYYYY!!!! CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!" YOU WERE FULL ON BELTING ALL OF THE LYRICS SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE YOU HADNT EVEN REALISED THE POLICE SHOWED UP!!

"MA'AM WE ARE GONNA NEED YOU TO STOP!! THIS HAS BECOME AN EXTREME PUBLIC DISTURBANCE!!" THE COPS SAID BUSTING INTO THE BAR

BUT YOU DIDNT GIVE A MOTHERFUCKING FUCK!!! YOU WERE PULLING A NAKED MOMMY KNOCKING DOWN SPEAKERS AND LITTER BOXES AND SHELVES AND GETTING KICKED OUT YOU DIDNT GIVE A FUCK!!!! !YOUWERE PARTYING IT UP!!

"FUCK YAA!!!" YOU SAID SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS!!

"this is worse than the time she fucked my butthole with a mcdonalds fry in the back of the spencers parking lot." elijah said looking down ashamed.

"or like the time i let her lick my butthole then piss on my toes and fart in my mouth but it was shart." elijah said trying to strike up popularity and laughter from the others.

"....... uhm.............."

they all stared at elijah awkwardly before coughing and looking around.

"or LIKE like maybe like the time i let her finger my dick hol-"

his story was so bad klaus had to come over and stake him and throw him back in the box

WHILST THIS WAS HAPPENING YOU WERE GETTING DOGPILED ON BY 5 DIFFERENT POLICE OFFICERS AND WAS THAT.. A SWAT TEAM YOU SAW COME IN!?!??!?! YOU DIDNT KNOW BUT YOU WERE PISSED!!

"AY LEMME OUT!! LEMME OUT!!! IM AN INNOCENT MAN I DONT PLAY COME ON LET ME THE FUCK OUT!!!" YOU SAID DESPERATELY TRYING TO KICK THE MEN IN THEIR BALLSACKS BUT THE THING IS THWY WERENT MEN... THEY WERE WOMEN!!

"I CAN PROVE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS HAVE YEAST!!!" YOU YELLED DESPERATELY TRUONG TO REMOVE THE WOMENS PANTS

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOU UGLY ASS BITHC!!!" YOU YELLED AT THE PEOPLE IN THE BAR STARING AS YOU WERE DRAGGED OUT!!

"WAIT WAIT PLEASE. OFFICER JUST A SECOND!! PLEASE." you desperately yelled.

they stopped grabbing you for one second

"YOU CANT DO THIS. YOU CANT ARREST ME!!! IM A MINOR!!!! IM A KID!!!"

"ma'am you are 25 years old." the woman said giving you a strange glare

"YEAH IN DOG YEARS!!!!" YOU SCREAMED BEFORE LIFTING YOUR LEG AND TAKING A GIANT DOG SIZED PISS ON THE FLOOR AND BARKING AND RUNNING AROUND ON ALL FOURS!!

BUT YOU DIDNT WANT THEM TO CATCH YOU SO YOU QUICKLY RAN INTO THE KITCHEN, REMOVED ALL OF YOUR CLOTHING AND GOT OILED UP LIKE A PIG SO NO ONE CAN CATCH YOU BEFORE RUNNING AROUND SQUEALING

"OH/ MY GOD." SOME MAN YELLED ACROSS THE BAR

"YOU CANT TAKE ME ALIVE!!" YOU SAID JUMPING UP ON THE BARS COUNTER COMPLETELY OILED UP AND NAKED, SLIPPING A FEW TIMES BEFORE STANDING UP AND CHUGGING 8 GINATONICS AT ONCE.

they brought in one of those people that are meant to stop people from suicide and got on the megaphone

"listen.. calm down.. no ones trying to take you alive. we just want whats best for you.. please come down we can talk about this."

"NOOO IM A FREE RANGE CHICKEN!!!" YOU SAID GRABBING A BOTTLE AND JUMPING OFF THE BAR COUNTER BEFORE CLIMBING UP THE DECOR ON THE WALL AND HANGING FROM A WOODEN CEILING BEAM

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK." DEAN YELLED

"NO ONE CAN CATCH ME!!!! IM OILED UP BABY WOOHOOO!!" YOU SCREAMED TRYING TO MAKE IT ACROSS THE BEAM BUT YOU DIDNT NOTICE THE POLICE GRABBING A NET AND YANKING YOU DOWN

"WHAT THE FUCK!!!"

THE VAMPIRES HAD GOTTEN SO IMPATIENT AND MAD THEY ALL STARTED CHARGING YOU AND JUMPING ON YOU, THE ONES THAT WERENT WERE NOW EATING ALL THE POLICE AND ALL OF THE INNOCENT BYSTANDERS HAD EITHER LEFT OR WERE FILMING THIS ON FACEBOOK LIVE (for a little boy named dorian to watch... who was now commenting "IM SPAMMING W'S IN THE CHAT!! OH MY GOD THEY JUST SCARED ME AND READER WITH A POLICE MANHUNT!! " w piss bottles everywhere) YOU SCREAMED OUT AS THE MEN BEGAN BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU AND WHEN YOU FINALLY THOUGHT THEY WERE DONE YOU DECIDED TO RUN FOR THE WOODS!! YOU RAN OUT THE BACKDOOR COMPLETELY OILED UP AND RAN THROUGH THE WOODS!!

but you arent the smartest little buddy and so they immediately caught up to you and were like wtf...

"where is it." klaus said, strangling you with one hand and holding a knife to your neck with the other.

"UGH..-COUGH GODDAMNIT SANTA KLAUS FUH YOU WANT!!" you said choking.

"you know what i want"

"OH MY GOD FOOL NO I DONTUH HOLY SHITT WHAT IS IT FUHHH!!!" You YELLED CHOKING OUT

"WHERES MY NAKEY WAKEY SANTA FIT!!!WITH THE SKIRT AND THE APRON SO I CAN DO THE HANKEY PANKY!!"

what the hell is this guy talking about you thought..

"um what...." you said looking at him.. but this just made him super super mad so he strangled your lights out..

"ARE YOU OKAY??"

you woke up to dean hovering over you as well as multiple medical looking people...

"what.. what happened.." you said slowly getting up before rubbing your head..

"you passed out??! and you kept screaming and mumbling.. are you okay??" sam questioned, very clearly concerned

"uhg yeah-'

"we need to check your vitals if you dont mind-" the woman cut you off

"uhh alright i guess.." you said sitting up

"not too fast..." dean said helping you up slowly

"you were out pretty bad you need to relax right now" dean said smiling at you.

you smiled back at him

LOL YOU GUYS THOUGHT BUT THEN YOU WOKE UPO AGAIN TO FIND OUT THAT WAS A DREAM AND YOU WERE NOW IN KLAUS'S TRUNK BEING KIDNAPPED AND BROUGHT TO KLAUS LAND

"WHAT THE FUCK!!!" YOU YELLED AS KLAUS SWERVED A CORNER SUPER HARD SENDING YOU FLYONG INTO THE SIDE OF THE TRUNK WHICH HAD MULTIPLE BLACK BAGS FULL OF CARDBOARD THAT KLAUS SAID HE WOULD TAKE TO THE DUMP BUT GOT WAY TOO LAZY

"WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK!!!" YOU SAID CRYING OUT

you almost passed out from the lack of airflow and the stench of poop filling the air because.. well i dont know why but you truly did smell poop

"HELLO!!??!?! IS ANYONE THERE!!?!! HELP ME!!!!" YOU YELLED OUT

"PLEASE IT SMELLS LIKE A WALMART BATHROOM!!! HELP!!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!" KLAUS YELLED

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!! YOU LITTLE BRITISH PIECE OF MOLDED BUISCUIT TURNED INTO POOP!! YOU LITTLE BRITISH FUCK!! UGH!!! YOU STUPID FAT STUPID IGLU AZNXSDWHFWSDWFECWFE!!!!" YOU YELLED

but then the car came to a stop

you quickly became quiet as you heard the trucks door slam and the trunk opened. klaus then yanked you out and ripped the blindfold you didnt even notice was on you off of you, you were tied up though..

"WHAT!!" you yelled "WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE!!" YOU SAID LOOKING AROUND

"welcome.. TO KLAUS LAND." KLAUS SAID MANICALLY LAUGHING

"um.. this is a walmart parking lot." you said looking around..

"WE OWN THIS WALMART!!! WEVE ALREADY BEEN INVITED IN!!" KOL EXCLAIMED EXCITEDLY AT YOU

"umm what the hell im pretty sure this is just some random walmart in the middle of buttfuck nowhere guys.." you said before getting SLAPPED SUPER HARD IN THE FACE BY KLAUS.

"HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT MY WALMART LIKE THAT!!! THIS ISNT ANY OLD WALMART LOVE. THIS IS KLAUS LAND!!!!!" KLAUS SAID SCREAMING BEFORE 50 OF HIS TRIBRIDS CAME RUNNING OUT ALL IN "WELCOME TO KLAUS LAND SHIRTS" BUT AS THEY SURROUNDED YOU THE SMELL OF FECAL MATTER BECAME STRONGER AND STRONGER....

"OH GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL!!" YOU COUGHED BEGINNING TO GAG!

"ALRIGHT.. WHO DID THAT." KLAUS ANGRILY SAID TURNING TO HIS TRIBRID GANG BANG

"sorry that was me" a man said stepping out before tucking a hair behind his ear and blushing

he was then shot by SOME RANDOM FORCE.

YOU ALL TURNED YOUR HEADS TO LOOK ACROSS THE PARKING LOT AS A BRIGHT LIGHT FORMED AND EVERYTHING BEGAN TO SHAKE

"WHOT THE HELL!!" THE BRITISH LITTLE MEN EXCLAIMED!!

THATS WHEN A MAN IN A LIGHT POOP COLORED TRENCH COAT APPEARED

"HOLY SHIT!!!!!" YOU YELLED SCARED OF WHAT YOU JUST SAW

"no.. i am castiel.." THE MAN SAID LOOKING AT YOU

"um what.." kol said

"im not a piece of religious fecal matter i am an angel named castiel!!"

"alroight which one of yuw litl' fohkers hired a strippa." klaus angrily said turning to his army

"it wasnt me!!" you said looking around

"... no one asked" kol said before giggling at something on his ipad... it appeared he was watching cocomelon tung tung tung sahur brainrot on his little ipad.

"wait so why am i here again"

"i want my fucking santa dress." klaus said turning to you.

"wait so this is over some random fit i stole from you years ago.. and youre not concerned your full grown man brother is watching kids stuff.."

"IT WASNT JUST ANY FIT OKAY!!! THAT WAS A 2000S LIMITED EDITION JUICY COUTORE AYESHA EROTICA BRITNEY SPEARS VICTORIA SECRET PRADA CHANEL DRESS!!!" KLAUS SAID AND YOU SWORE YOU COULD SEE SOME TEARS IN HIS EYES..

"so is no one gonna play with me or what. can i play too guys?" castiel said looking around

"um... go play with yourself buddy" you said

castiel then removed his pants and started jorking his weiner-

...

.....

"wake up. WAKE UP!" dean yelled

"HUH WHAT!!" YOU SAID SUPER MAD CUS YOU NEED 13+ HOURS OF SLEEP AND YOU ONLY GOT 10

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!" you opened your eyes to see dean standing before you happily.

"um... wheres my present..." you said staring awkwardly at dean....

"IM YOUR PRESENT BABE!!" HE SAID JUMPING UP AND DOWN SMILING AND GIGGLING.

*FUH NAW WTF NOOO I WANTED A NINTENDO CARD TO BUY TOMADACHI LIFE!!!!!* "aww... thats beautiful katie... so wheres my icecream cake." you said

"I CAN CREAM AND IM ICEY COLD AND YOU CAN EAT MY CAKE!!!" DEAN SAID PULLING HIS PANTS DOWN AND REVEALING HIS BUTTCHEEKS

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHCKK FUCK NOOOOOOOO FUCKKKKK I HATE MY LIFEEEEEEEEEEEE FUCKKKK FUCK THGIS SHITTT MOTHERFUCKER!!!!"

that was probably the worst birthday you ever had, maybe you didn't like dean winchester as much as you thought.

anyway, moral of the story, dont be the mystic falls bop, dont date dean winchester, dont oil up, dont ever date anyone british, and last but not least, never date a man who tells you he is your present and that you can eat his cake.

how a man treats you on your birthday is how he truly sees you, so if he refuses to get you a present, claiming he is your true present, and then tries to convince you to eat out his asshole, congrats. you are dating dean winchester from the fartquen12 fic made on 4/10/2026 - finished at 11:11 pm. - uploaded on 4/11/2026 12:00 am. _

for reference, this is what reader is depicted to look like during the whole fanfic

carry on, my wayward son

there'll be peace when you are done

lay your weary head to rest

don't you cry no more.

fartquen12

i'm a bad fanfic writer?

who decided that.