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Feeling lost—

I feel so bored and almost like panicked. I want to do something. I have so many ideas of things I could do but I find myself not being able to make a decision. I feel unorganized.

I can’t even do something I enjoy. Like for example I could really go for some Shinsou x Reader right now. Fuck this cool dude on YT put out a new asmr Shinsou x Listener and that could be fun... but instead im just layer here all choked up.

I don’t understand why I do this to myself.

I just want to enjoy life before I loose it one day.

I could play a video game. But am I going to? Probably not.

I could be productive! Clean or do art. Fuck maybe work on my career as an artist..? But nope.

Let’s just lay here staring at the ceiling fan.

I think I’m having anxiety.

Or just an anxiety attack literally.

I don’t understand this feeling.

Literally everything was fine earlier.

Good news, I guess, is that I have therapy on Friday. I could talk to her about it.

Btw if you’re reading this, I’m not really putting much thought into my words. Just writing like a diary. I find that it’s better to just let go sometimes.

Trying to not be a perfectionist.

Which might be what’s holding me back atm.

I’m not starting my “challenge” my therapist suggested because I don’t want to start randomly. I want to start on the beginning of the week. (Yeah dumb Ik)

I’m not reading fanfics because I’m behind on all my fav stories. So I have a lot to read. Which won’t be too hard because it’s all Shinsou related and I’m like obsessed, but I’m also slightly dyslexic. It’s hard to read. Also I feel like if I’m gonna read, I should read my “challenge” book thing for therapy. But I don’t want to right now.

It’s not like I have pressure to do it. It’s just a suggestion. But I want to do it! Like I’m not acting like it but i do...

It’s late for me btw. This is when my anxiety hits. 4:40 am exactly atm as I type.

I’ve been up all night too. My husband is asleep. I miss him. I feel like we don’t spend much time together between my sleep schedule and his work. Plus my anxiety.

That and everything had been rough since my friend Joe died. It feel so weird. Dream like. I feel like I’m not really here.

Idk.

Idk anything.

I just want to live life and not worry so much about how I live it. Just pick something to do! Like it’s not that hard!!!

Fuck.

Am I crazy for getting so worked up with being bored?

Probably.

Hard to believe that this is how I ‘handle’ boredom. Tbh I miss the days I just ate when I’m bored. I don’t even rlly do that anymore. I just lay here feeling like I’m being choked.

My throat is so tight.

I’m so use to this feeling too.

It happens way too often for stupid reasons.

✖️✖️✖️✖️✖️✖️✖️✖️✖️✖️✖️✖️✖️✖️✖️✖️

Sorry if this was long and rambly. Just sharing feelings and writing them out fully. I’m an open book so I don’t mind sharing and maybe someone can help out. Idk. I haven’t read what I said but I’m going to now. Hopefully it’s not awful af.

#anxiety attack

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fawn-that-purrs

Cute.

Also, somehow I called it.

Okay yeh, sounds like me.

I need to remember that I’ve done all I can for now...

I just found out that two of my dear friends got into a motorcycle accident. I don’t know much details. I know one is okay, but the other is lifelined. That and they are at two separate hospitals for some reason.

I’m kind of panicking. I love them so much and I’m so worried something’s going to happen. If one is not okay then the other will probably not be okay mentally. They’ve been through so much the past year and I just really hope everything will be fine...

Sorry if this is random. I just found out and I’m having a little panic attack. I guess I’m venting in a way. If anyone wants to send me bnha memes or happy stuff, I’ll gladly take it. Or just kind words. I need to cheer up.

Edit #1: I was told that one of my friends isn’t going to make it. I’m not entirely sure of the details though. It may be possible that he might make it through, but that’s more of just me being in denial. As of this moment, I have no clue what is actually happening. All I can do is continue to wait. I fucking hate it.

Edit #2: He died this morning. I’m completely fucking numb. My other friend, his wife, is okay but has to go to a burn clinic for road rash. Mentally though, I am so worried for her. She doesn’t deserve this...

Edit #3: I WAS MISINFORMED! My friend has not yet passed. He’s still fighting, but it looks grim. I’m trying to be positive. Stay positive. This can’t be his ending. I refuse to believe that.

Edit #4: Finally saw a report on the local news near my hometown for it. They swerved from a deer running out in front of them. Also my friend is in a coma and he has no brain activity apparently. I’m not sure what to say. He’s “alive” but not really here.

Edit #5: It’s official for real this time. I’m a bit in shock... I know that no one knows me, or my friends, but I’m going to share a donation link and actually add tags to this post. If you want to help, I very much appreciate it.

Rachael and her husband, Joe, were involved in a motorcycle accident. Rachael walked away from the scene with minor physical injuries...but

#gofundme #go fund me #expense #expense fund #danny joe smith #please help #help #rip #donate #donations #donation #please donate #please consider donating #medical bills #medical help #passing #motorcycle #motorcycle accident #deer accident

“Await Further Instructions” (2018) actually kind of freaked me out a little bit. I couldn’t help but think of some of ReignBot’s recent videos on some interesting websites. They aren’t related of course, but it had that odd feel of electronics or something. I don’t really know how to explain. But it made me think of them. I’ll be sure to link the videos. I guess what I’m trying to say, is whoever created those websites, I can see making a website based off this movie and it be creepy af.

Video 1/Video 2 ⬅️ @ ReignBot on YT

#await further instructions #horror movies #thriller movies #thriller movie #thriller #horror movie #horror #reignbot #terminal00 #wired sounds for wired people #netflix #stream #stream now #movie

Day full of cat cuddles and horror movies... 🔪

#cat #cuddles #cuddle #horror movie #horror movies #movie #movies #horror #thriller #thriller movie #thriller movies #kitten #kittens #cats #netflix #hulu

Just finished watching the Netflix movie —

“Cam” 🎬 👙 💕 🔪 👄

Not sure how I feel about it. I know I like it, but I also am a bit confused. The ending was a tad confusing to me, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it’s somewhat up to interpretation?

- Did she fake it all along?

- Is she addicted or passionate about her job and just can’t stop even after the traumatic experience?

- Is she trying to hunt the copy down?

- Or is she just trying her best to rebuild her career?

- Maybe a mix of everything?

If you’ve seen it, tell me what you think. I’m about to look up theories. Overall though, I like the movie a lot. It painted interesting highlights and lowlights of sex work in some moments. Plus the plot itself was captivating.

🌸 Edit: Turns out its all passion for her art and she’s trying to rebuild, but now with her new knowledge of what’s out there so she can protect herself. This was honestly my main theory on the matter, but I wasn’t sure because I don’t recall there being any dialogue that fully confirmed this.

Interesting article that confirmed this for me .