It's amazing how the world is so full of life and how you are in mine now. I am ebbing with feelings and this is so different than anything I have ever felt before.
Something changed yesterday, something inside of me. Something to do with the way I feel. I think I am in love. And yes I know I have said that before but that was my weaker side. The side that opened up and the side that felt too much and the side that formed attachments. This side was supposed to be the stone-cold wall I had built all around me to prevent getting hurt. To prevent having any feelings and emotions. It made me feel like I was strong by merely moving on.
But now my rock heart is in love. My fucking soul of granite actually feels for someone. I have never felt so nervous in my life before. It's so consuming. I love him differently than I loved him yesterday. I trust him? I feel so different. I would never tell morphi that noshu loves him, heh, I m scared you'll leave once you find out I can be hurt. I am at a loss for words.
I feel like that massive void I carried around with me since the beginning of time has now been filled. He made his home in me, he brought his blankets and his music and his scent and he snuggled inside that emptiness. For the first time in my life, I feel loved. I feel loved without condition, without prologues and epilogue, without the ifs and buts, without the constant uncertainty shudders, without the ghost of his past or heck the ghost of my past lurking on our heads, without the fear of breaking into a billion shards, without the feeling of being judged, without the million insecurities and trust issues that I seem to manifest in a vivid aura around me. You made my scars fade love, you make them look pretty, you make me feel so fucking loved.
Along with all the goodness and with all the glam of experiencing love comes pain (of course there's a pain). The urge to text him a million times to ask him if he still loves me. The urge to blockade everyone and everything that could possibly make him drift from me. The urge to give up everything and anything just for his happiness. The urge to never ever let him feel lonely even if that means spending all my time as long as I breathe for him, by him. The urge of thinking about every consequence of my actions that could affect our relationship. The urge to sob uncontrollably in his arms. The urge to break down right now, to break down, to break down and to break down.
He is asleep, I know he is sleeping, yet I feel skittish and panicky. What if he's avoiding me and is offline because he doesn't love me anymore? Since when have I become so terrified of lingering silences? I get how he feels now. Sheyu !! I get how you feel. When you told me you were scared I'll wake up tomorrow and fall out of love, I thought I was going wrong somewhere and I needed to make you feel loved better, but this is love meri jaan. I get it now, I see it. I feel so painfully petrified at the prospect of you plunging out of passion. I am scared that my overthinking and my doubting nature are going to leave you exhausted by the number of times I'll need reassurance that you love me and that you are mine. I'll learn to be better.
I think the tugging at my heart is also fueled by the fact that I do sometimes get really low, I end up saying things I don't mean, and I end up hurting everyone in my vicinity. The fact that the could-be-bpd splits of me could jeopardize us, disturbs me. I resort to the most subtle self-harm and isolation and self-depreciation to let it out of my system. But I know how bad that makes you feel. I have seen the terror in your eyes and in your voice when you ask me how bad it was this time, how badly I hurt myself. I never ever want to make you feel that way. I'll stop doing it for you. At least I'll try.
I love you. Saying "I love you" hits totally different now. I have said it 9 times since the morning, but you haven't seen it yet. We did stay up last night talking about our future till 2:30 AM and giggling about yellow walls. I love you. Fuck. You are my first love. [ⁱ ᵏⁿᵒʷ ᵃ ᵖᵃʳᵗ ᵒᶠ ᵐᵉ ˡᵒᵛᵉᵈ ᵈ ᵗᵒᵒ, ⁴ ʸᵉᵃʳˢ ⁴ ᵐᵒⁿᵗʰˢ ᵃᵍᵒ. ᵇᵘᵗ ʰᵃˡᶠ ᵒᶠ ᵐᵉ ᵈⁱᵉᵈ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵈᵃʸ ʷʰᵉⁿ ʰᵉ ᵈⁱᵈⁿ'ᵗ ᶠᵉᵉˡ ⁱᵗ ᵇᵃᶜᵏ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ʰᵃˡᶠ ᵒᶠ ᵐᵉ ᵈⁱᵉᵈ ¹ ʸᵉᵃʳ, ⁸ᵐᵒⁿᵗʰˢ ᵃᵍᵒ ʷʰᵉⁿ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ ʰᵃᵖᵖᵉⁿᵉᵈ. ⁱ ᶜᵒᵘˡᵈⁿ'ᵗ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵐᵃᵏᵉˢ ᵃ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿ ʷʰᵒ ʰᵉ ⁱˢ, ᵇᵘᵗ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵖᵒⁱⁿᵗ ᵒⁿ ᵐʸ ʷʰᵒˡᵉ ᵖᵃˢᵗ ˢⁱᵐᵖˡʸ ᵐᵃⁿⁱᶠᵉˢᵗᵉᵈ ⁱⁿᵗᵒ ᵃ ˢᵐᵃˡˡ ᶜᵒʳⁿᵉʳ ᵒᶠ ᵐʸ ᵇʳᵃⁱⁿ ⁱ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ᵗᵒ ᶜᵃˡˡ ˡᵒʷⁿᵒˢʰ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗⁱᵐᵉ ⁱᵗ ᶜᵒᵐᵉˢ ᵘᵖ, ᵃⁿ ⁱʳʳᵉᵖᵃʳᵃᵇˡᵉ ᵘⁿʳᵉᶠᵘᵗᵉᵃᵇˡᵉ ᵖᵃⁱⁿ ᵗᵃᵏᵉˢ ᵒᵛᵉʳ ʷʰⁱᶜʰ ⁿᵘᵐᵇˢ ᵒⁿˡʸ ᵒⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵗᵒᵘᶜʰ]. It's alright if i am not yours, but fuck sheyu, you are nosh's first love. Love. the L-O-V-E kind. fuck. fuck.
