Feelies

Just an emotional dump » not gonna be active much TW: depression, self-harm, suicide, eating disorders, loneliness

[chubs-deuce]

c o n n e c t i o n l o s t

[cerleansky]

The tragedy of girls and their best friends from childhood.

It's never throwing away that bracelet she gave you. It's much too small for you now but to bin it would be a betrayal to what it meant.

It's remembering how time felt like it wouldn't move in childhood. It's remembering how you and her felt like forever. The bounce of the trampoline, the pleats in the hair, the wind in your face while you played. You could swear you were still with her.

It's the sleepovers, the long nights making dances, staying up late for the first time. It's holding in your laughter, so her parents don't hear. It's the 'she told me not to tell anyone but, of course, l'm going to tell you'.

It's knowing her better than you know yourself. It's wanting to see each other as much as you can. It's the melding together, the struggle to tell where you begin, and she ends.

It's the first type of love you know.

It's aging and moving away. It's going to the same school but drifting away. It's trying to stay in contact, but no one has the time now. It's realising she's went out with friends without asking if you wanted to go.

It's the ache you feel whenever her photo appears on Instagram. It's the brief conversations you have with her on the streets, with the promises of catching up one day. It's watching time move more rapid and realising you haven't spoke to each other in five years.

It’s knowing she knew you in a way no one ever could. Mourning for the loss of what it meant to be known briefly.

It's the first type of heartbreak you know.

[thoughtsfromthemoon]

26th june, 2022. 08:52pm.

recently, i got out of a six-year-old friendship with someone i thought would be my friend forever. nothing bad happened between us, i figure we just outgrew each other. still, i never predicted this sudden cease in our friendship.

like i said, nothing significant had happened between us. in fact, we were hardly interacting at all and then one day, i found out that she had removed me from her instagram.

it might seem silly to be upset over being removed from someone's instagram, but just listen. in the day and age of social media, apps like instagram are what keep us connected, isn't it? it's one of the main ways in which i keep up with my friends, and check in on what i've been missing. i've definitely removed people from my instagram, but they were toxic ex-friends and i'd rather not have them knowing what's happening in my life. so when this friend of mine removed me, she put me on the receiving side. she didn't want me to know what was going on in her life, or what she was thinking, or anything like that. and that hurt me, because we don't have any bad blood between us.

i'm sure i sound super sensitive from how being removed from her instagram hurt me, but the truth is that i am super sensitive. i'm super sensitive and quite the empath, and i would love some closure as to why it happened the way it happened.

unfortunately, the biggest truth of life is that things end. sometimes you can see it coming, other times you have virtually no idea. sometimes you get the closure you deserve, and other times you have to move on without receiving any. and you try to move on, and pretend like it doesn't bother you when you think of them, someone you cared for so much. but it does.

earlier in the year, i had many friendships come to an end over some silly rumours that a "friend" of mine started spreading about me. it ruined many things, including my friendships and my mental health. it got to the point where i had to transfer out of the school. this "friend" even went as far as to make my other friends text me nasty things, calling me manipulative and a horrible person.

the funny thing was, they never came from her. she never had the courage to say them to my face. it was like she had these minions who were doing all the work of belittling me, while she hid behind them. the whole situation was so absurd.

sometimes, i wish it had gone differently. i wish these friendships never had to end. but what i've realized is that, if i didn't know she was the toxic person that she pretended not to be, would i had still stayed her friend? would i have ignored it, and happily gone on with my life?

i would've. and that's why it's important to me that she revealed her toxicity so that i could free myself. and for that, i have no regrets.

but it's different from this more recent friendship ending, isn't it? the one with my toxic ex-friend lasted only a few months, while this friendship lasted a whole six years. it's almost impossible to act like it doesn't hurt me, when it clearly does.

that's just life though, isn't it? not everyone is here to stay, and i'm learning to be okay with that.

[grouchydairy]

Spent a decade in friendships where I made sure to reach out and check in and never leave anyone out and always be excited about others interests even if I don't fully like it myself and then I fell sick for two weeks, like really, really, thought I was dying sick from covid, and the only response I got was 'well the rest of us had covid and we're okay', and despite being supposedly healthy and young and fully vaxxed and taking precautions, I got really sick, like heart function was going crazy and couldn't walk to the bathroom without being out of breath sick. (tangent is my guess is that I wasn't actually healthy but docs kept downplaying my symptoms as anxiety and refusing to refer on for a full checkup until I got my new, good, and thorough fam doc). I was fucking terrified and everywhere I turned I was told I shouldn't feel so bad. People stopped messaging. They told me I was being too negative about... You know... The actual shit I was going through. In the end, they started excluding me from stuff by arranging events I couldn't do yet bc of lingering (and hopefully not long covid) , like hikes, high cardio activities,and blamed it on me for not wanting to go. At the depth of the symptoms I had wanted to text someone and be like, shit, I'm terrified, to be told that this is too much. A decade 's worth of friendship as I sat through their breakups, family deaths, etc, not thinking twice. I don't regret being there. I just regret not having noticed that earlier so that when I was in my most terrifying moments, I had no one.

[sameen-shawv]

I reached out, and maybe I shouldn't have because it tastes like heartbreak.

[blackpfp-deactivated20260407]

Sometimes, old friends are meant to be lost. And of course they may haunt you, but such are ghosts to do.

[lovey-suggestions]

okay but imagine a gingerbread house decorating date- you have the time of your life decorating the house with both of your unique styles, and you have icing all over your face with your partner cleaning it off while looking into your eyes... the smell of the gingerbread lingers while you give them a kiss on the cheek

[feelingfeelies]

Every once in a while

I close my eyes and smile.

I smile the kindest smile I can

And wish they won’t ever see me again.

Every other time alone

I look for a place to call my home.

All alone I wander the dark

Wondering if I really deserve that spark.

And every time I am alive

I wear a mask so I can hide.

- A. M.

[hgk477]

How to Bring Someone Back from the Dead

Make sure that it wasn’t their time to die. If it was, do not try to bring them back.

If you’re sure they weren’t meant to die, start preparing for your journey. It will be a long one.

You will need two coats, a quarter, a white rose, a blanket, a flashlight, extra batteries, lots of food and water, and an object of importance to the deceased (a necklace, a beloved book, etc).

Wait until late spring. You’ll want it to be warm out when you return.

Put on some good hiking boots. You’ll be walking for a while.

Enter any forest. The denser the better. Walk until the sun goes down.

Look to your left when it becomes too dark to see.

You will see a white glow in the distance. Walk towards it.

Be careful where you step. Some woods like to trip you.

Remember your loved one’s name.

Say aloud how much you missed them and why you want them back.

The glow will disappear once you reach it. When it does, turn on your flashlight and sit down.

Place the flashlight next to you and go to sleep. Do not be afraid. If you’ve made it this far, then the forest in on your side. It will not let you be harmed.

When you awake, the sun will be up.

Turn off your flashlight and put it back in your bag.

You will be standing just outside of a fairy ring. Do not enter it.

Take out your food and water. Eat some, but leave the rest at your feet.

Step into the ring and place the quarter on the ground, tails up.

Tell your loved one you are coming for them. They will not hear you.

The quarter will sink into the ground. You may now enter the Underworld.

Put on one of the coats. It will be very cold.

Close your eyes and imagine that you are sinking into the ground. Do not open them until you smell smoke.

When you open your eyes, you will be underground. A tunnel will stretch out before you.

Replace the batteries in your flashlight. It will get dark very soon

Follow the tunnel. You will feel cold. This is normal.

You will soon come across a small house. Knock on the door.

A dark-haired woman will open it. There is something wrong with her eyes. Do not stare.

She will ask you for something pretty. Give her the rose

She will smile at you and invite you in for something to eat. Enter the house, but politely refuse any food.

Talk to her for a while. She likes the company.

She’ll tell you a secret. Pretend that it doesn’t bother you.

Eventually, she will give you an item. I do not know what it will be. It’s different for everyone.

Thank her for being so kind. She wasn’t always like this.

Say goodbye and exit the house. Continue down the tunnel

You will be walking for a long time. If you need to sleep, do so. When you wake up, continue walking.

You will find food in your bag. Do not eat any of it.

You will get to a river guarded by the woman you met before. Do not ask her how she got here so fast.

Say hello and show her the item she gave to you. She will take it and give you your flower back.

You are now allowed to cross the river. Get in the boat. Don’t think about how it wasn’t there before.

Let the boat take you to the other shore. The fog will make it hard to see. Trust me that it’s better that way

When you get off the boat, the fog will be too dense to see clearly.

You will start to come across wandering souls. They will not care that you are here. They are too miserable.

The silence will be unbearable. Hum a song to yourself.

You’ll be wandering around for a while. Don’t give up hope. You’ll find them soon.

When you do, softly say hello.

They will not remember you. Don’t take this personally. They don’t remember themselves either.

Don’t touch them, not yet.

Their eyes will seem far away. It’s alright. They are listening.

Talk to them for a while. Don’t give your name and do not tell them theirs. They don’t trust you yet.

They’ll soon realize you are alive. When they do, answer their questions about the world above.

Ask them if they are cold. The answer will be yes.

Offer them the coat you are wearing. It will already be warm. You have body heat, they do not.

When they take it. Put on your other coat.

At this point, they will ask if you know them. Say yes and tell them their name.

They will like having an identity again. Try not to cry when they smile.

Hand them their item of importance. It will help them trust you.

Tell them your name and ask them if they want to leave.

If they say yes, take their hand. They will feel like a corpse. Try not to let this faze you.

Do not let go of their hand.

Walk back to the river. You will find it. The Keepers don’t like the Living in the Underworld.

The woman you met earlier will be there. Give her the rose again. She will give you back the item from her house.

Get in the boat.

When you reach the shore, exit the boat.

Your loved one will have some trouble keeping up. They are exhausted. The dead cannot eat or sleep, no matter how much they want to.

Keep walking. Try not to notice how hungry you are.

Do not eat the food in your bag.

While you walk, talk to your loved one. They don’t know it, but they’ve missed you.

They will trip and fall at some point. They are very tired.

They will start to cry. Don’t let this break your heart. Instead, tell them they will be able to rest soon.

For now, pick them up and carry them in your arms. Don’t worry, they will be very light.

Try not to notice that they aren’t breathing. It will only make you feel sick.

Keep talking. They will be too tired to respond, but they are listening.

When you see the woman’s house, tell your loved one that you’re almost there.

Keep walking and don’t turn around.

You’ll feel something watching you.

Don’t turn around. Please.

You’ll notice you’ve stopped talking. Start humming that song again. It will help stave off the fear.

Stop walking and place your loved one on the ground. Pull out the blanket and wrap them in it. Pick them up again and keep going. You’re almost there.

You’ll see a light up ahead. Feel the relief flooding through you and run towards it.

When you step out of the fairy ring, immediately place your loved one on the ground.

Encourage them to breathe. They will have forgotten how to.

When they start to breathe again, retrieve the food that you left on the ground earlier.

They’ll want to fall asleep. Make sure they eat and drink before they do so.

They will be very cold. Do whatever you can to keep them warm.

Thank whatever gods you believe in for letting you bring them back.

Go to sleep. Nothing will harm you here.

When you wake, do not disturb your loved one. They haven’t slept in so long. Wait until they wake up on their own.

Take them home. They will not remember you at first, but they will regain their memories soon.

Don’t tell them how they died. It’s best if they don’t know.

Spend time with them. Most people don’t get a second chance.

More guides

How to be a stranger

If your reflection is missing

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[onithelovedemon]

Holy shit

[infpisme]

[infpisme]

[infpisme]

Sometimes I think the loneliness inside of me is going to explode through my skin and sometimes I’m not sure if crying or screaming or laughing through the hysteria will solve anything at all. Sometimes I’m so desperate to touch, to be touched, to feel, that I’m almost certain I’m going to fall off a cliff in an alternate universe where no one will ever be able to find me.

Tahereh Mafi

[pleasehearmedarling-deactivated]

“There was no one to advise her, caress her, call her sweet names, soothe her or save her.”

Sandra Cisneros, Caramelo.

[kiarakirara-deactivated20210908]

[365filmsbyauroranocte]

Secret Beyond the Door… (Fritz Lang, 1947)

[infpisme]

We are all just waiting for someone to notice —notice our pain, notice our scars, notice our fear, notice our joy, notice our triumphs, notice our courage. And the one who notices is a rare and beautiful gift.

Rachel Macy Stafford

[thegoodvybe]