Arctic Dogs Movie Review/Rant
So... that movie made me come out of Tumblr retirement, eh?
If you want to see my review of Arctic Dogs, check out my review at: https://boxd.it/10CTln. Otherwise, if you want to continue reading that review on Tumblr, sigh...
Story and Writing: 0/5
Animation: 0/5
Characters and Voice Acting: 0/5
Score and soundtrack: 0/5
Overall Score: 0/20
Rating: Burn in Hell (0/5)
Song: "Look Away" by Darude feat. Sebastian Rejman - youtu.be/B5hBZC-SIsE
The lazy movie poster with the Clipart-grade title card (I refused to call it a movie poster) says it all. It's the worst animated movie of 2019.
Arctic Dogs (or Arctic Justice) is what happens when Battlefield Earth, Aloha, United Passions and Norm of the North all gangbang each other to give birth to the ultimate form of animated movie cringe. I had to see it in theatres for a student price of S$6.50 (or $4.70 USD) and I wish I had my 90 plus minutes and that ticket price back. Heck, even I would want my free ticket back if I have one. So, how bad was it? (Spoiler alert: EVERYTHING)
Usually, I would put up a small spoiler-free summary of the movie, but I'm gonna go straight to the chase: it's the worst story of all the animated movies in 2019, period. Even worse than Norm of the North 2.
The story offers nothing new and it featured one of the worst, if not the worst animated movie protagonist of recent memory (We'll talk about him later). It also didn't help that because of the terrible 'writing' that was filled with cringe-worthy 'comedy' and a cliche-heavy script with extremely unbearable dialogue that sometimes don't make sense, not to mention the 90 plus minute runtime felt like three hours (yes, I swore I stayed in the theatre for 3 hours). I watched it in a threate (the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life) with my best friend and after the first twenty minutes, he gave up and played a video game on his mobile phone.
To call it 'writing' or even 'first-draft writing' is an insult to the art of animated movie writing or lack thereof. It was such an amazement into how this quality of writing was accepted and greenlit for a wide release animated movie, especially when the writers had written the scripts for Escape from Planet Earth and The Nut Job 2!
It doesn't help that it's the same studio behind the Norm series that was in charge of the animation and what I saw was incredible: glitchy animation that looked like it was only halfway through production. In addition, the character designs looked bland, the effects cheap and nasty and the background animation non-existent.
Also, character movement, while acceptable, are not well-animated and the fur animation is half-baked. There are times where the dialogue is out of sync with the mouth movements, a clear sign it's a low budget animated movie (and not one with $50 million US dollars).
I may not be an animation student, but even I would be able to pinpoint the many animation flaws within the movie For a movie on $50 million USD, it should have the budget for a decent, generic animation, but I got unfinished C-grade animation, which is an insult even to the price of the student ticket in Singapore, especially when the easiest element to animate, snow, is so artifical I could easily compare it to Norm of the North (which was made by that same studio).
Characters and Voice Acting:
To talk about how terrible Swifty is as a protagonist is going to be the length of a 2,000-word essay (yes, Swifty was such a terible protagonist I have a whole lot to say about him), so I'm going to say this: Swifty is a terrible role model to kids because he takes advantage of someone's misfortunes without caring for the consequences, nor taking a moment to reflect on his actions. TL:DR, he's an egoistic bastard.
Jade, Swifty's love interest, had a terrible accent that also nothing engaging (Heidi Klum, as much of a nice lady she is, should never be allowed to voice act again), PB was fine but nothing special (actually, I take it back, he's the only bearable charater in the entire movie, pun intended), Magda was the Russian-accented caribou (NOT A MOOSE), Lemmy was supper annoying (was Franco smoking weed while voice acting, as per usual?) and the two French conspiracy theorist otters, Leopold and Bertha, were even more annoying (It doesn't help that Leopold was voiced by Omar Sy, a fantastic French actor who doesn't deserve to voice Norm in the French dub of Norm 1, and Berths was voiced by Klum... again, except even worse).
Otto, as the antagonist, was one-dimensional. And his puffins are rip-offs to the minions. I didn't even mention the Top Dogs, particularly Michael Madsen, who instead of cutting people's ears is delivering mail. Great.
What's even worse is the voice acting. What's the point of hiring well-known actors when they not only cannot voice well, but they made their characters even worse and unbearable? Their voice acting is so half assed, it's not even funny. However, at least Cleese did a fantastic job voicing Otto, even if he's a one-dimensional villain.
The David Buckley score felt obnoxiously grand because of how terrible the movie was in the first place. However, it's the soundtrack that had me at a loss at words... for all the wrong reasons.
There are 5 Renner songs in the first place. FIVE.
While I applaud Renner's efforts (consiering it's not his first time making music, and "Main Attraction" is not a terrible song in spite of it being an Imagine Dragons reject song), the problem is that all his songs were not only out of place, but up the cringe factor of the entire movie. One of my friends (who only listened to the soundtrack) commented that it's such a dissociation from the Renner I knew from Avengers and Arrival.
This is especially so for "Believer", which highlights Swifty's ego and arrogance, so much so that when I listened to the soundtrack on a train ride home, it was so annoying that I thought my newly bought earphones felt broken. No, I'm not kidding. (The earphones are the AKG-tuned Samsung ones you get when you bought a Samsung phone, and this rumoured to cost about $150 in Singapore (I bought an authentic pair for only $20)).
When I review movies, my policy was to always give movies a constructive review where I talked about the good and bad of the movie and whether enjoyed it. I usually never talked down on movies since the crew behind such movies have worked hard to make them a reality. However, if the movie I'm reviewing is so bad it pisses me off into how incompentent and torturing the movie was, I will call it out. I never sugarcoat my review to make it sound good; for me, the honest truth matters more, especially if there is little to no effort put into the movie at all.
To say this was one of the most unnecessary animated movies of all time was putting it very lightly. This dared to exist in theatres across the world where it should have gone straight to DVD or Netflix in the first place.
A terribly written story that felt broken, cringe-worthy 'comedy', a virtually non-existent script, low-grade animation, a cast of unbearable and forgettable characters and one of the worst sounding soundtracks of all time. It's everything you expect from an animated movie trainwreck that was completely unnecessary and irredeemable.
While this movie is 100% unsafe for regular consumption and most regular folk should stay away, I highly recommend it to those brave enough to venture into the depths of terrible animation, or for a drunk screening because for sure, the cold brew hits.
However, as crazy as I would suggest, if given a choice, I would rather watch this again than Netflix's The I-Land, because I would rather laugh at this movie's incompetence than raging at the many stupid decisions everyone who worked on The I-Land made. So there, it's not the worst thing that came out in 2019, which is the only good thing from the movie.
Gosh, ranting about this nasty delivery makes me tired... Time to return to the Tumblr retirement home...