I have deep Ni-Ti loop and Ni-Se grip tendencies. I started learning to integrate healthy boundaries, but when expressed through a loop, their success dissolves when met with extreme external pressure--they were never fully integrated into my core. The pressure resurfaced repressed self-loathing. I hate myself because I want independence for Ni values, Fe secondary, but remain trapped despite new approaches. I don't know how to accept feeling incapable, since it's the foundation of my problems.
Do you have a question to ask? What you wrote is quite confused and misguided, which is basically what Ti loop sounds like. The “funny” thing about Ti loop is that infjs convince themselves that they’re trying to “stay true to myself” when, actually, what they’re trying to stay true to is their fake self-image. Imagine that you felt more safe and comfortable wearing a pretty mask in public, then you became so dependent on it that you wore it in private too, and you wore it so long that you eventually came to believe it was your true face. Then imagine how hard your life would be when every single encounter in the world threatened to unmask you and reveal to you the awful ugliness underneath. That is Ti loop, and fear keeps infjs highly motivated to guard themselves from perceived threats. You can’t accept feeling incapable because you are addicted to wearing the “mask of capability” despite the fact that it leads you toward self-destruction; the mask brings you an immediate but false sense of safety and esteem that you aren’t willing to relinquish.
You always have a choice to be your real self and present your real self to the world, but you fear your true face, because you’ve internalized the wrong value judgments and have thereby become your own worst critic. Would you say that people who are sick, disabled, or handicapped by circumstances beyond their control are totally worthless due to their incompetence? Your value system leads you to this conclusion. You have conflated your self-worth with mere competence. You have a misguided IDEA that you want to be a “capable” and “independent” person who never has to experience any negativity nor succumb to any influence. Why? Because all you see in yourself is someone who’s weak, stupid, and pathetic, and you don’t want to be that. You cling to the illusion that it’s possible for you to be perfect because you can’t face the painful truth that you aren’t. The more you cling to the false image, the more suffering you cause yourself.
The truth is that you are indeed weak, stupid, and pathetic. Hurtful? Not at all. All humans have frailty that makes them weak at times. All humans have ignorance that makes them stupid at times. All humans have suffering that makes them pathetic at times. Existence contains multitudes. When I look upon a weak, stupid, and pathetic person, I feel compassion because I know how it feels to be there, and I hope that people feel compassion for me whenever I’m there. You, however, can’t accept the reality of your humanity, so you hate yourself; then the more you hate yourself, the more weak, stupid, and pathetic you feel; then the more weak, stupid, and pathetic you feel, the more you hate yourself. Endless cycle of negativity. The more you try to run from negativity, the more you trap yourself in it and lose yourself to darkness. The more you sink into darkness, the more your self-hate bleeds into hatred of others or the world at large.
Until you understand that being a good and worthy person is not equivalent to one-dimensional “perfection”, the cycle of self-loathing continues on. You can’t have healthy Ni when you are unable/unwilling to change the false images that you are desperate to believe in and aim for. You can’t have healthy Fe when your moral values are twisted such that you are unable/unwilling to look upon humanity with empathy and compassion. You can’t have healthy Ti when low self-worth twists your every judgment into irrationally negative criticism. You can’t have healthy Se when you can’t face the reality of what you are.
You keep believing that turning yourself into your fake image of perfection is going to exempt you from pain and criticism. It won’t, even if perfection were possible. You will never be free of pain as long as you are alive because life necessarily includes loss and failure. You will never be exempt from criticism because there is always something new to learn in order to do better and be better throughout life. But you can choose to face up to reality bravely, you can learn to handle the painful side of life with grace and compassion, and you can take criticism constructively and make progress. Care facilitates growth, hatred facilitates violence. Growing has its pains but also its rewards, whereas violence is constant suffering. You always have a choice to care for yourself or hate yourself; one promotes well-being, the other self-destruction, so choose wisely.
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