off the deep end.

[felixbcnes]

☄ i’ve got those jet pack blues .

WHAT I OWE:

CURRENT:

☄  felix → amelia ( started ) .

☄  felix → emme ( need to start ) .

[felixbcnes]

who: @ameliajbones where: amelia’s house.  when: july 1st, 1979.

HE KNEW HE WAS POKING A BEAST BY GOING TO HER FLAT. Amelia must’ve been reeling right now. Felix knew how she responded to these sorts of situations; how her determination often took ahold of her. Fear was his vice, of course. All the Bones’ siblings had one: guilt, he supposed, was Eddie’s, and his sister’s stubbornness. They filled each other out in that way; shaped the edges into perfect circles. Together, they were whole. But apart? Well, he worried for them. All of them.

A knock on the door was soon answered by the image of his sister, and Felix wanted to reach out and immediately wrap her up in a hug. Tell her, like when they were younger, that it was all going to be alright. Of course, he knew that was a lie. Now, it was all they could do to survive. “Listen, it’s not going to fix anything,” he said, leaning against the doorframe. “But I’d love to take you to get some dinner, take your mind off this shit for half an hour. Y’argue, I’m telling mum about the time you put the gum in Eddie’s hair.”

It was a cheap shot, but the only one he could think of. A desperate attempt to try to get her on his side. Even if they talked about it there, even if all they talked about was the war, at least they were doing something more than sitting in her apartment, stewing. 

[felixbcnes]

amelia bones .

Amelia couldn’t help the way her grin widened when she heard Felix’s words and his laugh. “What, you’ve never seen a walking stack of boxes and bags before?” She teased him. She allowed him to take some of the bags from her, groaning a little at how it made it a little easier to carry it all. She moved to step into the flat with him, and then let out a snort at his words.

“Oh, if you thought I bought all of this just for you, you’re sadly mistaken,” She teased, “Of course I’m not just going to drop it like some loon and leave. I’m staying to help, and we’re going to take some to get Edgar, and mom and dad too. You’re going to see everyone today.” She nodded firmly, as if there was no choice in the matter, moving to try and sit the things down so he could see everything she’d gone to get.

“Yep!” She beamed as she sat the things down, turning with a slight bounce to see her older brother. “I know how much you love it, so I thought it was the perfect thing to grab for such an old man,” She smirked at him, “How old are you turning this year anyway, old man?”

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

Felix knew that he should be more excited about his birthday; another chance at 30 would have anyone jumping up and down for joy. Still, with everything going on lately, Felix felt more concerned about the Order, and his sister’s bid for Minister than having a very happy birthday. “Hm, can’t say I have, no,” he said. “It’s quite a sight for sure. I’ll have to tell my sister all about it. Although, she would’ve just used magic to carry it down the hall.” 

A raise of his brows followed her words and he took a cookie from one of the piles that she brought him. The treat was far better than he deserved, he knew, but that didn’t stop the small grin from forming on his lips. “You’re too good to me,” he said. “And thank Helga you’re helping, because I’d quite like to think that Emme and I couldn’t finish these on our own.” It was a small joke, but his sister knew of his newfound relationship with Emmeline. Or at least, she could guess. 

“I didn’t live to be that much older, I’d like to remind you,” he teased, carefully sticking a piece of pie into his mouth as he spoke. “But thirty. Again. It seems like a muggle film, almost.” He looked down, soft smile on his lips. “Susan and I were supposed to, uh, go on a big camping trip.” Felix snorted because Amelia would know full well that he despised camping. He was doing it for her, of course, and a part of him was actually looking forward to it. 

[felixbcnes]

emmeline vance .

“As long as you’re aware,” she replied breathlessly, a shiver skittering down the length of her spine at the warm brush of his fingers trailing across her cheek. Without thinking, Emmeline reached up to clasp at Felix’s wrist before he could lower his hand. It was a sudden and encompassing impulse to keep him that she couldn’t ignore, just like the gentle, lingering kiss she pressed to the center of his palm not a moment later. Merlin, they were so close, and it was through a hooded gaze that she took the rare time to just take in everything that made up Felix Bones as his words washed over her. 

I’ve been yours. If you’ll have me. 

Bloody hell, was that even a question? 

“Of course I will, tonto.” Her voice was barely a whisper as she let herself be moved at his prompting; freely falling further into his touch as though she was burning for it. And hell, maybe she was. For years he’d been both the balm to her maelstrom mess, and, simultaneously, the match; an endless paradox. And as she stood, wrapped up in him ––– breaths mingling, desperate hands grasping one another tight ––– Emmeline knew she wanted nothing more than to just bask in the flames. 

And yes, there was still so much to factor between them; so much to talk about. Susan, being at the very forefront. But here and now, for once in her fucking life, she was going to be selfish. Even if it was fucked up, she didn’t care. She needed this moment. Just this one, if nothing else. Let her have this. Let her have him. 

She pressed into Felix’s Eskimo kiss ––– a small, almost disbelieving smile curled at the corner of her mouth. And then, he was kissing her; the feel of his lips against hers as light as a gossamer wing. Never had she been treated so gently before. So reverently. Even that last time they’d been together, their embrace had been frantic and wrought with an aching uncertainty for what was to come, but they’d just been unable to stop. This? This was leagues different. And the following ‘I love you’ ––– number 3 ––– set out to make her heart burst. 

“It’s a start,” she said playfully, her hands coming up to cradle his face once more as she pressed herself up on her toes to capture his mouth again. This time was longer, deeper as she poured out everything she felt for him now that she could. “I love you, Felix.” The words that’d once caused her such pain were now startlingly easy to say as she gently rested her forehead against his. But, deep down, there was something else niggling at her. Something she wanted so desperately to ask, but was terrified to voice aloud, even despite everything that’d just happened between them. And yet … 

“Could you … stay? Just for tonight. Stay with me?” 

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

This moment had to be a dream, or at the very worst a nightmare. Everything felt real; her fingers, her breath on his cheek, and yet he couldn’t totally believe his new reality. He’d lost Susan, and in turn had gained those people he’d missed most back. What kind of a sick, twisted reality was it, that he had to lose in order to gain? Almost in the same way that he’d lost everyone before, he lost the person who was his everything. How did you find your way back to happiness after that? How do you believe that anything good is real, when all the goodness had been sucked away from you?

Still, with her there, he felt as though it might be real, for the first time since coming back. His breath caught in his throat as she kissed him, and the firestorm that was his emotions for her tumbled out of him as he wrapped her up in his arms. Felix hadn’t come here expecting forgiveness, but the way it tasted was more than anything he’d ever wanted. 

And then...

Oh Merlin hearing her say it back sent a grin across his face wider than he thought his lips could ever split. “Yea?” he asked, that smile lighting up his eyes. He felt like he might sparkle himself, if it weren’t for her, keeping him rooted to the spot. Grounded. Godric, how nice did it feel to have roots? How nice did it feel to know that when he came home, he had someone who cared just as much as he did? And with Emmeline too? With the woman who got away; the woman who he shouldn’t have fucked it up with in the first place. His fear and his ego and his bloody idiocy had kept him from her, but this time around, maybe he could get past all that to the glimmer at the end of the tunnel. “Mariposa, you don’t know...” 

There were tears on his cheeks, he knew, but he didn’t care, not with his nose pressed to hers and those words ringing over and over again in his mind. I love you, Felix. I love you, Felix. The ghost of them wove back and forth creating a tapestry that only the two of them would be able to see. Something special, and theirs, and for the first time in his life, except for the days he was with Gideon, Felix felt as if he belonged here. With Emmeline. No one else right now needed to matter. 

When she asked him to stay, Felix pulled away and nodded, carefully placing a kiss to her head. He didn’t expect anything, especially not this; especially not her being there with him despite the mistakes he’d made. “Of course, I’ll stay,” he said, meeting her eyes and trying to help her understand he wasn’t going anywhere. Not this time. Not in this second lifetime. No, very rarely did people get second chances like these, and he had to try. This time, he had to give it every ounce of his time, or else he’d be swept away by a dangerous current. So, carefully, he pulled her in and wrapped his arms around her tightly, lips to the top of her head, as he whispered to her, “And this time, I swear to all things holy, I won’t leave in the morning, yea? At least not without breakfast.” It was a joke, one that he couldn’t help but make, but he kissed her head again, pulling her in closer. 

“I won’t leave. Not again.”

fin.

[felixbcnes]

cordelia greengrass .

Cordelia couldn’t help the snort and laugh, but quickly covered her mouth and turned red in embarrassment as she realized she had. “I’m so sorry,” She chuckled out then, “That was probably really rude of me. I can understand though, waking up in a body that’s so different than what it used to be, it’s very off-putting at first. It takes some time to get used to again.”

Her smile softened and she shook her head lightly at Felix’s words. “I think you gave her plenty to be proud of,” She spoke, “And I’m not just saying that either. From what she told me when we were paused in battle, to talking with you now, I know she was. It’s the things we don’t realize about ourselves, sometimes, that people can be the most proud of.”

Another laugh left her at that, and she took a deep breath. “Truly, she was a lot better than me. She was a real force to be reckoned with. I can do plants and reading, but practical things have never been quite what I’m great at.” She hummed, then continued, “Court can be useful once they get arrested, which would play a large part in helping, you know.”

She paused at his question, smile fading and picking at one of her nails, almost a little distracted as she shook her head. “No, I…” She took a deep breath again, knowing she hadn’t admitted this to Julien, had been too terrified to, and hadn’t told anyone else yet either, but… “I ran into my old sister-in-law, my husband’s sister. She was on the other side, and we both… well, took each other out, I suppose,” She managed after a moment.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

A small shake of his head followed her apology, and Felix let out a small cheshire grin. “It was meant as a joke anyway,” he chuckled. “Trust me, I can take a little bit of teasing. Two siblings will do that to you.” Amelia and Edgar, after all, were always his biggest critics, as siblings always were. On the flip side, he knew that they would be his biggest supporters in the same breath. They were always looking out for him, and it was nice to know they were back home. 

“That’s kind of you to say,” he said simply, knowing quite well that he wasn’t the best father to her. Or, maybe he was a good father, but he wasn’t the person he should’ve been. Now, at least in Susan’s memory, all he could hope for was being a better person; all he could hope for was being the person that he knew she had wanted him to be. 

It was strange, still, hearing someone talk about Susan in the past tense. He nodded ever so slightly, hands crossing in front of him as he thought of the way she’d light up in a duel. Those battles had never been for him; he’d never had the temperament. But Susan was brilliant, like her aunt. She was everything that he could never be. 

At her story, Felix couldn’t help but feel his face form into a frown. While he’d never really known his wife’s family, he at least knew that none of them would have wanted to kill him. They were all amicable, even after the divorce. “Bloody hell, that’s one way to go, huh?” he shook his head. “And, uh, have you told him? Your husband, I mean. I don’t know... I mean, hell, I wouldn’t if I were in your shoes. Can’t imagine that one.” Felix snorted ever so slightly. “And, that’s probably not helping you very much, is it?”

[felixbcnes]

gideon prewett .

Gideon had spent too much time at work lately. He was tired and truly he should have been spending more time trying to get his life together rather than spending all of his free time at work. He was confused about everything that was happening though. He had too many feelings running around in his head though. He had yet to find his twin. He hadn’t fully found his place with the Order again yet and he wasn’t even sure if he would. He didn’t know where to even start with his love life. 

He had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that somehow he was falling for not one but two people and both of them were out of his reach. He didn’t know what he was doing anymore. All of these problems and uncertainties left him fleeing to work as often as he could. He had recruited Felix to watch his kitten for him and he left the poor thing with him more often than not. That night after work he had been taken rather unexpectedly to a bar with some colleagues and gotten far too drunk. 

He had always been a light weight when it came to drinking and even though he had only had three drinks he was drunk out of his mind. He had been dropped off home and made his way rather clumsily into his flat. He had done his best to stay quiet after seeing Felix asleep on the couch but he tripped several times on his way into the room. Pippin meowed in protest jumping down from the couch to find his bed. Obviously annoyed with Gideon’s antics. Gideon made his way to the couch throwing himself down next to Felix practically lying on top of him with a sigh. “I don’t know. Late. Wait. How did I get here? Did you come get me? I think they got me drunk. I was drinking. Don’t tell Felix. He thinks I can’t drink.” His words were fast and slurred as he spoke a yawn leaving his lips as he squirmed about to try to get comfortable.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

The back of his hand rubbed at barely sleep-ridden eyes, listening to Gideon walk at a less than normal pace. A snort fell from his lips, despite himself, and he carefully reached out to move some of the pillows on the couch so that Gideon’s head was in his lap. Absentmindedly, his hand went to Gid’s hair, but he pulled his fingers back, knowing that was no longer his place. Not now, anyways. Not when he’s finally figured out things with Emme; not when he couldn’t stop thinking about Gideon either. Feelings, it turned out, were bloody complicated when the two people you loved the most came back to life all suddenly. 

“Well, this Felix sounds like quite the intelligent person,” he teased, carefully leaning back to allow the other man more space to settle into the couch. Of course, now that he knew he was drinking, a pang of worry fell through him. From what he could tell, he wasn’t exactly safe to leave alone. A deep breath escaped him as he tried to think of ways he could leave but also stay; how could he help someone from far away? It wasn’t going to be a quick dive into hangover territory. Felix rubbed at his face and carefully shifted so that Gideon’s head was on a pillow. “Someone must’ve helped you home, ya know. Lucky bloke.” 

At his words, he reached for his wand and produced a tall glass of water for Gid, setting it down on the table so that he wouldn’t have to move all that much. He assumed the room would be spinning at this point. If he knew Gid, and he did, quite well, he was certain that the room was not only spinning but dancing in circles, and that, as it turned out, was never fun for anyone. “I hate to be the responsible one, but you might want to have a couple of sips of water. Might help with the whole falling over thing.” He knew he shouldn’t, but as Gid shifted his hair fell into his eyes, and carefully he reached out, pushing it back, hoping beyond hope that Gideon wouldn’t think anything of it. He was drunk enough at least. Maybe that would win him something in way of not remembering reality. 

[felixbcnes]

james potter .

James smirked a bit at the invitation to use his name. “Pretty sure I’d get lit into if they caught me calling a Wizengamot member by his name while I’m still technically in training.” Still, he winked and relaxed a bit, leaning against the wall. The casual way he admitted to remembering was refreshing. At this point, those who remembered were mostly connected enough that they’d heard of each other at the very least.

He hummed. “Nor Thicknesse,” he added in agreement with Felix’s declaration. He also glanced about. “If his interview with Skeeter is accurate, it’s suspicious. Immediately struck me as someone trying to fight off an Imperius. No way to really get access to him to check, of course.”

James’ jaw set as the almost pitying look crossed Felix’s face. He hated that look more than anything. “I…” He didn’t know how to answer for a moment. He glanced away to consider. “Better than last time around. I was able to make their last moments the best I could. Got to properly say goodbye, make them comfortable, all that.” He took a shaky breath. “I’m angry I wasn’t able to change more than that. I… I wanted to give them more time. At least enough to get to meet their grandson.” He grimaced a bit at Felix but then shrugged. “I guess there’s a limit as to what we can change.”

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

A shake of his head followed James’s words, and he leaned ever so slightly on the wall as they spoke. “Oh, no, they just say that to scare the lot of you,” he said, grinning. “Not all of us are quite so terrible.” Of course, there were those that were absolutely out to get the poor kids, but Felix had always prided himself on being rather the “cool parent”, if nothing else. He wasn’t about to lose his reputation now.

The thought of Thicknesse becoming Minister again sent his stomach roiling. Earlier, this time, meant the Death Eaters were winning the war even if the Order seemingly had the upper hand. Felix scrubbed at his face and then shook his head ever so slightly at James. “I honestly can’t imagine someone voting for him over Amelia,” he said, instead of worrying James further. “And I know I’m a bit biased, but... Still. He couldn’t come off as sincere to anyone, I don’t think.”

Felix noticed James’s set jaw and shook his head ever so slightly, trying to correct the look in his eyes. He didn’t feel bad for James, just knew, better than anyone that fear. Then again, he supposed a lot of people around them knew. “I understand,” he said, gently. “I lost both Amelia and Edgar last time round. It’s terrifying to think that it might just happen the same way as before, but, at least this go round you got to be there for them. Got to have a few more moments. That’s gotta matter for something right?” A grin split open his face, trying to brighten the conversation, but even as he did, the ground beneath them shook with a quake that almost had Felix off his own feet. The world felt as though it were in slow motion, and as Felix turned on his heel, his eyes widened at what he saw behind him in the atrium. “You’ve got to be bloody kidding me.”

[felixbcnes]

amelia bones .

When: March 28th, 1979 Where: Felix’s Flat Who: @felixbcnes​

Amelia had gotten up extra early, though she also had not slept much either, but that was neither here nor there. It was Felix’s birthday, and in her determination to make sure everything was better this time, she wanted to make Felix’s birthday special. So she’d gotten up, gone to get some of Felix’s favorite foods and a present for him, and then made her way to his flat.

Unfortunately for her, she had her hands full with all the things that she’d bought, and as she made her way towards his door, nearly dropped some of them. Trying to balance them, she then realized that she had no way of knocking iwthout spilling half of it. Wrinkling her nose, she stepped closer and then decided that there was only one way to get his attention to come answer the door then.

Lifting her foot, Amelia began kicking at the door in a way of knocking, to try and wake him. “FELIX! Wake up! Get up and come answer this door before I have to knock it down! I’ve got all kinds of goodies that you won’t want ending up on the floor!” She called out, grinning slightly to herself.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

Usually, Felix loved birthdays. He loved celebrating his family, spoiling them with gifts, but he also loved being a little center of attention when it was his turn. Maybe it was egotistical of him, but when he was younger, the first time, he’d always made a huge deal of his birthday week (as he’d so dramatically claim it). As the years went by, and Felix lost more and more, he lost the desire to celebrate. Susan’s birthday was a different story, but his own? Well, he just stopped caring.

He was, of course, awake when Amelia came knocking. He’d stopped being able to sleep in years ago, with the war starting and Susan off at school. Still, he groaned, and pulled himself from the couch, knowing full well what she was here to do, and also knowing he wouldn’t be as fun as she remembered.

Still, it was sweet of her; nice to have this moment of normalcy in all the chaos of their time. Opening the door, he couldn’t help but smile at the sight of her, or rather, the sight of boxes covering the entire upper half of her body. “What in the hell, Lia,” he laughed, unable to stop himself as he reached out and took some bags from her. “I hope you don’t expect to drop all this food and go because I’m going to need help eating all of this… oh, Helga is that crème pie from the bakery on third?”

[felixbcnes]

james potter .

who: @felixbcnes​ where: the ministry, offices of the wizengamot when: midmorning, 22 April 1979

James sighed to himself, leaning against the wall next to the lift doors. It was his first full day back after his parents had died. Three weeks was all he could justify to himself after he’d ‘just’ taken off for his honeymoon, no matter how long ago that was in his memory. They’d tried to put him on desk work, but he’d insisted it would be better for him to be up and properly helping somehow, so they put him on security duty for the day. He was just supposed to wander and make sure that none of the voters wandered off where they weren’t supposed to be.

He couldn’t help but think back to the last time he’d been in these halls, on Valentine’s Day. It gave him an ominous feeling that he just couldn’t shake. Still, when the lift doors opened, he recognized Felix Bones easily. It was his job to, but also he was immediately able to see the resemblance to Amelia. “Morning, Mr. Bones.” He gave him a not of greeting. “They figure out what’s wrong with the polls yet? I tried getting in before my shift started, but it was just a mess.”

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

Election Day was electric. The atrium was full of voters, swarmed with activity, and Felix never felt more alive and more terrified all at once. Amelia running for Minister was a no brainer; she was the perfect candidate, always had been. Still, it felt like a rather empty excitement when there was fear living there. What would happen if she won? Who would target her first? It was impossible not to think about when war was on everyone’s tongue.

He pushed his way through the crowd, finding himself next to James Potter quicker than he’d realized. With a wry smile, he leaned forward, “Call me Felix, Potter. I’m not old… well at least not in body.” The last bit was said after a quick glance to make sure no one else was listening. With a small shrug, he leaned against the wall by James. “Not quite yet. Seems like a bit of a disaster if you ask me, but I just want to see anyone but bloody Lestrange.” His eyes wandered to James’s face and softened, knowing full well that they were both thinking of Rabastan’s death, and, thereafter, his parents. Felix couldn’t imagine having to watch Edgar and Amelia go again, and his stomach roiled at what was going on at the voting booth now. “If you don’t want to answer, you can tell me to bugger off, but… how are you holding up?”

[felixbcnes]

cordelia greengrass .

Cordelia smiled softly, nodding her head in understanding at his words. “It’s a very strange world to wake up to,” She agreed, “knowing so much about what was to come before, knowing this time we can change how that goes, being young again, but…” She paused, reaching up to her face a little and then letting out a soft laugh, “I suppose one thing I couldn’t get used to at first was being young again, having no scars or anything. And then with everything else…”

She wondered absently what exactly he felt for Susan’s mother, and how that all had happened. It didn’t feel like her place to ask outright though, and she just gave him a soft look. “I’m sure that whatever you did, your daughter would be proud of you,” She told him gently, knowing that much from how Susan had spoken about him at the battle. At his words about her husband, she flushed and nodded her head a little, adding, “It was a great reunion.”

At Felix’s words about Susan being an Auror, Cordelia chuckled softly. “I’m sure that’s what she was aiming for, she was very confident in herself, strong, taking charge of what she could and making sure people were helped. Keeping a cool head in the middle of a battle, it’s impressive.” She smiled as she remembered it, knowing that she would be proud of Susan too.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

It was nice, really, having someone else who understood; someone else who might’ve lived as long as he head. Cordelia at least made it to the battle; knew that they had fought again, even after everything they’d lost. It made his head ache, knowing all they’d sacrificed, what he’d sacrificed, and still lost in the end. At least they’d won, that much was the consolation prize. In the worst case scenario, at least they won. “I used to have quite the gut on me,” Felix grinned, raising his shoulders. “When I woke up like this, you can imagine the surprise.”

He’d stopped trying after a while, after Emme, if he were being honest. He felt pointless, with no purpose but Susan, and soon she would’ve been off on her own, living her own life. At Cordelia’s words, he felt himself pause, a sad smile gracing his lips as he thought of his daughter. “Yea,” he said, nodding ever so slightly. “Yea I’d like to think so. But I dunno if I gave her a whole lot to be proud of, if I’m being honest.” 

That was always the problem, wasn’t it? Felix never knew who he was. Not then. Not now. At least now, though, the people who had helped him figure it out before were back. “Hey, she was much better than me in that sense,” he laughed. “I never... I mean I’m alright in a duel, but not the best. Now, put me in court and you’ll see some magic, but it’s not much help in war, is it?” He shook his head and then paused ever so slightly. “If you don’t mind my asking, did you, uh, make it out? Of the battle?”

[felixbcnes]

emmeline vance .

I love you. 

They were just three words, yet they carried with them a profound impact ( one she knew all too well ). And Felix had just said it to her. Not once, but twice. 

It was as if time had come to a screeching halt around them. Emmeline wasn’t even sure she was breathing as she stood, rooted to the floor and stupefied into complete and utter stillness as everything he’d said washed over her in waves. 

He loved her.

But … that didn’t make any sense. Not after what’d happened between them. The night he’d left her had solidified it. It proved that Felix didn’t and would never feel the same for her. Didn’t it … ? Even if he had been the one to seek her all those weeks ago in her office, and had been so happy to see her. The same with the Valentine’s Ball. And now, he was here, despite how much she yelled and shut him down and tried to evade him, he stayed. He stayed. But was that enough? Did that change anything? Did it matter? Emmeline’s heart clashed viciously with her mind in an all-out brawl for some kind of dominance to the point that it was dizzying. Merlin, was this real? 

“You–––,” she tried to speak and gain some sort semblance about her, but nothing else came out. Disbelief, hope, hurt, anger, and elation all swirled through her in a vicious maelstrom while, simultaneously, her heart felt as though it were about to shatter her ribcage with how hard it beat. Thought after thought sped on loop in her mind, but there was one that rang loudest, above all others. Did he mean it? She had to know. She needed to. 

Slowly, Emmeline walked up to stand right in front of Felix ––– the closest she’d been to him since they’d been in her office, and far, far more meaningful ––– and reached up to carefully cradle his jaw in her hands as she looked at him ––– looked at his eyes. She wanted to see if he was lying, or trying to spare her feelings. Something. Something to prove her fears and doubts right. But, to her growing astonishment, there wasn’t even a spark of falsity to be found, but instead, everything she never thought she could or would have; everything she’d ever wanted. Fresh tears fell as the reality hit and hit hard in that moment. He meant it. 

“God, Felix,” she uttered on a soft cry, eyes falling shut as she lowered her head with a small shake and her hands came down to his shoulders; fingers gripping tight to the fabric of his shirt. Belatedly, she realized that she was trembling. “You absolute fucking prat.” The words might have been harsh, but they were swimming in nothing but relief. And, really, why would he come all the way to her flat for a lie? There were many things Felix Bones was, but intentionally cruel wasn’t one of them. Was she still incredibly hurt by what he’d done? Of course. That was a scar that wasn’t going to go any time soon. But … when he’d explained it ––– when she really took in what he said past her bottled hurt ––– the more she began to understand. 

Once she felt she’d calmed herself down enough, Emmeline tilted her back up and caught Felix’s gaze again. “If you so much as think of leaving me or letting me go or whatever bloody else right now, I will honest to god kick your ass, Oso.” 

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

It felt like an eternity before Emmeline spoke again; before any kind-of acknowledgement of what he’d said had left her lips. It felt right, saying it out loud to her, even if his own feelings about Gideon were roiling in his stomach now; even if the world was tumbling down around them. Whether or not he still had feelings for Gid, right now, in this moment, his love for Emmeline was his truth. And Godric, did it feel good to tell her. Three bloody years too long, of course, but at least they were out there now. Even if she rejected him, Felix had let the words enter the atmosphere, and that was enough.

Of course, it wasn’t was it? His heart was hammering in his chest as he waited for her to reply. After all this time, he still didn’t know how to love without being right messy about it. Three years too long, what he’d done, what she last remembered, it was enough to have her walk away. That much he knew. And he wouldn’t blame her, even though it would shatter his heart; even if it might send him on a path away from her for forever.

But then, Felix, over the hammering of his bloody heart, realized she was moving. Not away. Towards. Closer, and closer, like a magnet and before he knew it she was there, right in front of him, and her hands were on his cheeks, and he was leaning so close to her that he no longer felt like he could breathe. That was how it always was around her. A bit intoxicating; two broken whiskey glasses. He’d never minded an edge. 

A laugh fell from his lips, then, at the mention of his being a prat. “I’m a right prat,” he whispered, unable to get his voice any louder. He felt as though if he spoke loudly, he might break whatever spell was here right now. And Godric, he felt like this was magic. It was, in a way. Felix knew there had to have been magic involved for all these people to be brought back to him; for him to come back here too. He wasn’t going to argue with that, though, not now. “We can agree on that, a million times over.”

Not when everything he’d ever wanted was right here, again. 

Gently, cautiously, almost, he reached out and pushed some hair behind her ear, but his eyes never left her face; never left her eyes, which were now so close that he could see the golden flecks in her irises. There wasn’t enough oxygen in the world to fix the dizziness now forcing him to lean into the counter, pulling her with him ever so slightly. “I wouldn’t dream of it mariposa,” he said, carefully bringing his lips closer to hers. “I’ve been yours. If you’ll have me.”

Carefully, he nudged her nose with his, hoping that she wouldn’t push him away, and when she didn’t, he did what he’d only done in dreams for the past few years; did what he’d wanted to do for so long, and had never thought he’d get to do again. He kissed her, gently, as if she were still a memory, and when he pulled away there were a few tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. “Would you like me to say it again? Because I will, a million times, if it helps.” He paused and then managed a small smile, “I love you.”

[felixbcnes]

emmeline vance .

Felix’s sharp bite of anger in the wake of her wretched emotional plea left Emmeline stunned; her breath catching tight in her throat as she slowly turned back around to face him with an overwhelmingly incredulous stare. Was this some kind of twisted joke? Was that really his bid of justification for what he’d done? “You came back,” she echoed hollowly, followed by a scoff coated in barbed cruelty. “Is that supposed to mean something to me? Is that supposed to make a bloody difference or magically erase the fact that you fucked me and then left?” Rowena, she hadn’t wanted to do this; she hadn’t wanted to have this conversation because she knew damn good and well what it would do to her. 

What Felix would do to her.  

But it was much too late. It was all spilling out of her now like a viscous, bubbling tar, which was exactly what she’d tried so hard to prevent; everything she’d held back after that night; everything she hadn’t let herself truly feel. 

“I know ––– I know I shouldn’t have said that I loved you, and I’m so sorry I did. It wasn’t right to spring that on you like that. But never, not once, did I ever think you would just run off and leave me like that. I tried to apologize, I tried–––” Emmeline didn’t even try to stop the anguished sob that broke free that time. Fuck, she could practically hear her father’s voice, clear as day, whispering hate into her ear as he had when she was a child; calling her worthless, and that no one would ever love her. Hell, she’d always known that he was right. She’d resolved herself to it a long time ago that while she might love ( and had ) and love viscerally, she would never be loved in return. It’d happened with Narcissa and others after her, and it’d happened with Felix. But Merlin above, knowing the truth didn’t make it hurt any less. 

“And yes, I was gone. Dead as a fucking door nail on the fucking Muggle Prime Minister’s lawn after I got ambushed ––– left to fight until I was left bleeding out and unable to fucking move or breathe before taking the killing curse between my fucking eyes. I’m so sorry if that prevented you from absolving you of your guilt, Felix. Truly, I am.” Emmeline quickly shook her head as he began to talk once more; not wanting to hear it. Not able to. “It seems to me that you did quite well without me, and are still doing fine now. And it’s not like there’s a high chance of me getting out of this mess alive, anyway. So really, there’s no point to any of this.” Now that ––– that she hadn’t meant to say. Not out loud. But she had.

 “So just … you can stop.” 

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

“Is that what you think I’m trying to do here?” Felix asked, mind reeling as she spoke more, anger flickering in her voice. His words were spilling out now, as hers were, and he couldn’t help but let them tumble. A waterfall of guilt, that much was right, but not for the reasons she thought. Not for what she was accusing him of. Maybe he couldn’t blame her, for the way he’d left, for how he’d treated her in those very last moments of her life. “Make up for the guilt I feel, for leaving you? You think that’s why I came back?” He ran his hand over his face, trying to stop himself from laughing, but even now, it felt ridiculous. Did all of the people he cared about think truly so little of him?

Bracing himself against the counter, he shook his head and met her eyes. “I didn’t know how to say it back, not right away,” he said, starting off looking down at the ground. “And I suppose I learned too late. Hours too late, how to get over that fear. You can hate that I’m bringing it, up but I’ve wanted to say I love you since that first day in your office. I just... I still can’t believe you’re here again. I don’t deserve this.” The words had almost rolled off his tongue so many times, but he’d stopped them, afraid of what she’d feel; what she’d say.  

“I regretted what I did, every second after you were gone. Every second. If you think I moved on, then you don’t know me at all. I could barely move on from Gideon, really. I’ve never--I’ve never known how to do things in halves.” If he were being honest, he still hadn’t, but that wasn’t what he was here for, not now. Those feeling he could reconcile another day. 

Meeting her eyes, he swallowed and continued softly. “I barely survived without you, and not because... Not because I couldn’t, but because I chose not to. It’s not your fault, I’m not--- Godric, I wouldn’t even think of blaming you. But I couldn’t fucking do it again. I’ve lost so many people--” He broke then words lodged in his throat as he looked down at his feet. “And not long after you, Lia was gone too. I just... I could barely dream of having a scrap of goodness again. I was terrified of losing it. And then I did. I managed to provide for Susan, and that was it. That was all. I was good fuckin’ father, but I was never... I was nothing else.” 

He hadn’t let himself be anything else, not really. Everything else just felt like too much to carry, after losing all of the people he’d cared about. Everyone he’d loved. Everyone in his family, except Susan. Veronica was around, but she wasn’t his love. Never really had been. She’d been someone to hide his feelings from Gideon; to hide what he’d really wanted. His cowardice taking shape. It was awful to think of it that way, really, but it was what it was in the end. It was why they’d divorced. It was why he stood here now, in Emme’s living room and not hers. “But I didn’t come back to try and say sorry. You deserve that, too, but I came back to tell you what I should’ve said in the first place. I love you. I have for so long, mariposa. And if that’s all this is, me admitting that and letting you go, then that’s-- That’s what it is. But I couldn’t keep letting you think I’d just... I’d just walked away.”

[felixbcnes]

cordelia greengrass .

Cordelia was quiet, listening and thinking his words over. “I mean… I suppose you’d be a man who misses his daughter very much, and would do anything to see her again,” She spoke gently, “Though I do suppose you’re right, morally it would be…” She shook her head, then gently put her hand on his arm, feeling awful for him. She was beyond grateful she had already been with Julien, she couldn’t imagine being in a situation without him, let alone something more complicated. “You can do your best though, with what you have,” She suggested in a gentle voice, though knowing it wouldn’t make up for it at all.

She squeezed his hand gently as she held it over the table, a smile crossing her face. “I’m glad to hear you have your siblings back,” She said softly, “For me, it’s my husband. Or well, he’s my fiancé right now, but he’ll be my husband again. I lost him during the first war. And my sister-in-law, I…” She took a deep breath, “I left after the first war. Didn’t come back until the second, and that’s when I… Well, I never saw any of them again.”

It hurt to think of, but she knew this time she could make it better. Instead, she turned towards the thought of Susan again. “When I was at the battle, I hadn’t fought in a long time. Susan seemed like she was very talented at dueling, it was pretty amazing.”

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

Maybe he should have found her. Veronica. Maybe he should try to restart that life. But, if he was given this chance, why would he bring Susan back into a world so full of hate? So full of violence and war? It was a hard choice, knowing that he was making different choices; choices that were already leading him away from his daughter. “It’s a strange world to wake up to,” he said, softly. “Feels like I’m in a new body, even. I just... I’m sure you know, if you lived to know her. I don’t know what’s right and wrong anymore. I just know... With the way I still feel about her mother? I couldn’t do it.”

A deep breath followed those words and he looked down at his hands, a softness creeping onto his face as he thought of Lia and Ed. It’s been so long, really, since he’d held them; seen their faces. Their laughter had faded, and now it was so bright. He was full of their smiles, drunk on them, almost. It was incredible, even if a part of him felt guilty for feeling that way. “Well, glad to hear about your husband, at least,” he said, smiling softly. “That must’ve been one helluva reunion.”

A nod followed Cordelia’s words. “Think she was trying to be an auror, even if she wouldn’t admit it to me,” he laughed. “Or follow in her tia’s footsteps and become head of the magical law enforcement. She was always... better than me. At everything, truly. But that’s how it should be, yea? I’ve always been so bloody proud of her.”

[felixbcnes]

emmeline vance .

gideon prewett .

The words had felt wrong as they left his lips. Since when did Gideon run from danger? He had yet to rejoin the Order and he was unsure if he even would. He was missing half of himself. Fabian was out there somewhere and had yet to reappear. Or worse he hadn’t come back with Gideon. He felt he couldn’t move. He couldn’t make any decisions without him. Yet life kept on going and decisions had to be made. Life didn’t stop because people were missing from it. The thought of Emme or Felix remaining in danger was enough to drive him mad. He couldn’t fathom losing them. 

Still Emmeline was right. She couldn’t leave. The Order had had a plan that night and though he wasn’t clued in on the details he knew this couldn’t be part of it. She had to stay and so did he. He was a healer and there were people who would need his help. Things had to be sorted but surely Felix could get himself to safety. The man had hated Gideon being in the Order. Had left him over it even so surely he could be convinced to leave now. He was about to open his mouth to try to convince him to leave when Felix started speaking. 

The tone of his voice and the look that he gave to Gideon brought him up short. How many times had he done the same thing to Felix? Given him the don’t argue with me look and sent him off to safety? He didn’t think anything could be said to make him leave now. It left him feeling lost for a moment. Felix seemed more sure of himself now. He was certainly more take charge and Gideon felt perhaps he needed to get to know him all over again. 

“Felix I really do wish you would get to safety. Both of you. I know you won’t but I had to say it. Emme of course we aren’t going to leave you here on your own. We need to find out what went wrong and try to get people to safety. I don’t think the people on our side are the only ones who came back with their memories.” It seemed the death eaters might have come back with them as well. Their attack was too well planned. 

@emmvxnces

The burst of searing anger that rushed through her veins at both men’s staunch refusals to get to safety was so strong that she even felt her face grow hot with it. Why couldn’t they just listen to her, for Merlin’s sake. Emmeline, in that moment, wanted nothing more than to just haul off and scream right then and there; to demand that they both leave and get out before anything else happened.  

Fuck, she couldn’t lose them. She refused. 

But Felix merely kissed hand and pulled her and Gideon close and talked about them and that they needed to stay together. She had to press her lips together to not say anything cruel. It was the adrenaline and fear bubbling inside her, she knew that; just like she also knew that this wasn’t at all the time for that. People needed help. Evidence needed to be collected. She had a job to do, above all else ( and she’d already fucked that up earlier with Remus and Sirius at their post ). 

With that in mind, Emmeline quickly wiped the residual tears off of her face and straightened herself up as her long-honed auror persona slid across her face and she pulled away from Felix and Gideon by a couple steps. “You can do what you want. I’m sure a lot of people could use a healer,” she said evenly to Gideon, before turning over towards Felix. “And I know you want to find Amelia and Edgar. We can just start here and just work out way through all of this.” It wasn’t a complicated plan in the slightest, but what else could they do? Plus, Gideon was right. This attack didn’t spell anything good for them or their cause. It was clear, now more than ever, that the Death Eaters remembered, which meant Voldemort did too. It was their worst fears realized all in one night. 

Brushing hair from her eyes, and without saying anything else, she moved over towards a large pile of debris and rubble and began to move it aside to try and make another path for people trying to leave the ballroom. She could see that there were those that were hurt and struggling to maneuver themselves or be maneuvered around by others. The more space they had, the better things would be and they could escort more people safely.  

@felixbcnes

His wand now tightly gripped in his hand, Felix felt like he might crack it with the course of anger that went through him. Anger, he knew, shouldn’t be the emotion right now, but he held onto it like a lifeline. He was angry at them for thinking he had no worth in a fight. He was angry that he had to go through this terror again; that all his daughter had sacrificed obviously meant nothing. He as angry that he’d lost them, and angry at the fear that it might do it again. “I’m not useless, Gid,” he said, finally, funneling his emotions into one quick sentence. He scrubbed his face with his palm and then looked at Emme. “We’ll follow your lead, yea? Just tell us what you need.”

And he knew that he would have to leave once he found his siblings; knew that he wouldn’t be able to lose them in the rubble. The thought of Amelia getting hurt earlier in this lifetime made his stomach ache, and the anger surged once more. Still, he bit it down and then pulled out his wand. “Luckily for you, my best class was always charms,” and he quickly cast a wingardium leviosa that lifted quite a few pieces of rubble off to the side. Alright, so he wasn’t the best dueler but Felix was determined to prove himself as helpful in this situation.

Besides, if he were going to be an Order member, he would need to find somewhere he fit in. Maybe search and rescue would fit nicely on a resume. A deep breath followed as he carefully set down the rubble on top of another pile. Careful not to drop a piece; careful not to let even a drop of rubble fall on a passerby. He watched as people ran to the exit, felt the heat from the spell of the Death Eaters behind him, and he wondered why he hadn’t seen it before; why he’d been such a bloody coward. 

No more.

Eyes flickering to Emme and Gid, he nodded at them both. “I think we need to head East, into the atrium. The main blast was near there, and I can’t imagine they’ve got enough people on the ground to help cover.”

@gidprewxtt

[felixbcnes]

who: @gidprewxtt where: gideon’s flat. when: early hours, february 17th, 1979. 

Sleep had come for him on the couch. He’d been reading, a incredibly dry book on the implications of smuggling dragons and what it might mean for one caught doing so. While he was still quite good at arguing his case, Felix hadn’t actually studied the logic behind them in quite awhile, and his memory wasn’t quite what it used to be. There were some moments from his past, of course, that were crystal clear. Losing Gideon. Losing Emmeline. They were both sharpened knives to the chest.

And, of course, it was why he was always with them these days. Emme was a harder case to crack, of course, due to how they parted. At least he and Gideon were on decent terms before. At least Felix knew, for the most part, how to speak normally around him. Still, there were times when he looked in Gideon’s eyes, and his stomach decided to betray him. It would do a somersault or a backflip, and it was right bloody confusing because that was exactly what it did back when they were together. And, on top of that, it was what his stomach did when he saw Emmeline.

It was all too much, but all so right, and Felix didn’t know how to make sense of it all.

Still, when Gideon had asked him to watch Pippin, he hadn’t even thought twice. So, that’s how he ended up on the couch, Pippin curled up in his side, and a book on his lap, fast asleep. The door didn’t wake him, though. No, instead it was Gideon, the smell of him, a smell so familiar, that had his eyes fluttering open and a soft smile on his lips. “Gid?” he called, sleepily. “Oi, think I fell asleep there. Pippin’s had a nice pillow, huh?” He stretched, sitting up ever so slightly, gently scratching the cat behind the ears as he did. “What time is it?”

[felixbcnes]

emmeline vance .

It was staggering how fast everything between them began to unravel at the seams. Emmeline had only just started to fiddle with her kettle when the soft timber of Felix’s voice resounded at her side. She hadn’t even realized he’d moved closer to her ( too close ). It was disarming. He was disarming, and his apology that quickly followed infinitely more so. And it hurt. Merlin, it hurt so fucking much. Every single word he spoke felt as though her heart was being relentlessly dragged through a bed of shattered glass.  

He couldn’t stand the thought of losing her? Did he really say that? No. Bullshit. It was complete and utter bullshit. 

For a long, weighted moment, all Emmeline could do as her emotions flared wildly was stare up at Felix with wide, disbelieving eyes until, unbidden, an unrestrained, caustic laugh scraped past her lips; quick, ugly, and harsh. “Are you serious … ? Easier? You thought it was easier? Easier for who, Felix?” she bit out, but, to her horror, her voice broke off into a choked sob on his name. In a pathetic, last-ditch attempt to hide just how vulnerable she was ( how vulnerable he made her feel ), she tried to turn her face away from him, but knew, ultimately, it wouldn’t do any good. 

There had been no time for her to truly process what’d happened between her and Felix before she died. And Rowena knew she’d been pushing back everything and then some since waking up in the past with the single minded goal of changing things and saving all those that fell the first time. She truly thought it would work ( it wasn’t at all the first time she’d closed herself off or shoved feelings to the side ). She thought she could handle it. She thought she was strong enough, but no. She wasn’t. Not now. Not here. The constant buildup of repressed feelings and fear and heartbreak was far too much. It was near ready to break under the pressure, and violently. “Just … forget it. Please. That entire night was a huge fucking mistake. We don’t need to do this,” she said briskly, brokenly; trying to ignore the traitorous tears carving paths down her cheeks as she made to walk out of the kitchen and as far from Felix as she possibly could get before she completely broke down. 

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

The downhill spiral happened so quick, that Felix barely felt himself slip. Heart hammering in his chest, he listened to Emme’s words, but only barely had time to process them before he felt his brain clouding over. He’d never been good at whatever it was between them. He’d fucked up his relationship with Veronica; fucked up his relationship with Gideon. Felix had never understood why anyone would want to try again, not with him. So, when Emme had wanted to try, when he’d finally let that rusted guard down again, he’d gotten scared. Like he usually did. In his mind, it was better to leave her; better to spare her the heartbreak then, rather than later. He would fuck it up again. Back then, he’d wholeheartedly believed that. 

Now? Godric, he’d been brought back from the dead. They all had. There had to be a reason it was them, of all people, why they were given this second chance at life. Felix wasn’t going to waste it, not this time. 

“I know, I fucked up,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m not denying that. I’ve never--I know I’m not perfect at this by any means.” A deep breath followed those words, but when she said that the night was a mistake, he felt his blood run cold, a bit of anger in him bubbling up as words cut from his lips like a knife: “I came back.” He hadn’t meant to tell her that, not yet, only because it felt so ridiculous to say. “Of course I fucking came back, Emme. And you were gone. I guess you were already... You were already gone.” He couldn’t say dead. Not really. Not now, not then, not ever, likely. A deep breath steadied him but he knew his hands were shaking as he brought himself back to reality. To now. To whatever this time and place was.

At least this time and place had Emmeline. 

He sucked in a breath and met her eyes, searching them for any sign of give, any sign of understanding. For the first time in his life, he felt as though he couldn’t reach her, and for some reason he thought of Gideon; thought of the way that they’d said goodbye, and he felt his heart sinking in his chest; an ache for him building there. “If you mean that, if you really mean it, I’ll stop,” he said, softly. “But I don’t think you do. I-I don’t want to mess up this time, Emme, but a life without you isn’t... It’s not for me. Not anymore.” He felt as though he were holding his breath, waiting for her to respond and so he continued, softly. “But I couldn’t keep it in forever, Emme, you know that. It was never nothing. Not a mistake. Not to me.”

[felixbcnes]

emmeline vance .

She could feel the threat of tears beginning to press behind her eyes, and his words ––– and that damn nickname, fuck ––– certainly didn’t help matters in the slightest. He’d burst if she told him to leave? He missed her? Rowena above, was that bloody rich coming from him.

… But she’d be a right liar if it didn’t make her stomach give a traitorous, fluttering swoop, too. 

When he asked if he could come into her flat, Emmeline felt her entire body tense up like a spooked rabbit ––– the question excruciatingly familiar. Meanwhile, her brain viciously screamed at her to tell him no, and instead, slam the door right in Felix’s face and give him just taste of how it felt to be so suddenly and cruelly rejected. But her damn heart. It was quicker and louder, and, before she was able to really register it, she’d taken the lead and opened her door wider to allow him to step inside with a quiet “come on.” She knew, without a shred of doubt, that this was a huge mistake. She knew it, but she also knew, deep down ––– beyond the towering steel walls of self-protection that she’d built when she was just a young girl ––– that they couldn’t avoid this forever.  

Once she’d shut her front door with a soft, resolute click, Emmeline hurried over to her stove to put the kettle on herself. She knew Felix had suggested doing it, but she desperately needed something to do; something to keep her shaking hands busy and keep her somewhat grounded against the emotions rattling at her ribcage. There was an intent to Felix that was practically suffocating, and this time, there was nothing to hide behind. This time, it was just Felix and Emmeline, just as it had been those two nights before she’d been killed and their relationship had changed irrevocably. 

“… How are Amelia and Edgar? I’ve seen some of Amelia since the attack, but not much, obviously.” It was all she could think of to say right then; she couldn’t let the silence and rising tension go on any longer lest she lose her mind. 

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

Felix knew he shouldn’t have come. He shouldn’t have put them in this situation; shouldn’t have felt the feelings bubbling up inside of him like some unavoidable volcano. And yet, here he was, standing in her flat, thinking about the last time he was in this flat and what they’d done then. He closed his eyes for a moment, letting those memories fade away, as best as he could, but when he opened his eyes, there was only Emmeline. There was always Emmeline.

He swallowed at her question, leaning against the counter in her kitchen. “They’re both good, yea,” he said, nodding his head. “I mean they were always... they’re themselves. Left you and Gid and they were the first to start helping other people out.” A small chuckle followed those words and he looked down at his hands. He knew it was wrong of him to not have that instinct first, or, maybe he just wasn’t as wholeheartedly good as his siblings. Either way, he was learning. From them. From Emme. From Gid. It was like getting a restart on a life that he wasn’t particularly proud of .

There was nothing else he could do, really, then tell her why he was really here. It was a strange feeling, this emotion in his chest. Heavy and hollow at the same time, looking at her, knowing that this conversation might change whatever it was he was repairing between them. And still, he couldn’t help but whisper out two small words that might change everything, “Lo siento.” They were out before he could stop them and Felix laughed a bit at them, shaking his head to try and rid himself of the thoughts now coursing through his brain. “I’m sorry, Emme. For what I did, right before...”

A deep breath followed those words, the clarification, even though she would likely know exactly what he was saying. Feeling braver now that they were out in the open, he met her eyes, and then in Spanish said, “I was a coward, as I often am, and I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing you... I thought it’d be easier if I just went. Saved you the trouble.” Got the heartbreak out of the way early, is what he’d thought, really, that day. If she were going to leave him, or he was going to leave her... at the time the thought of Susan’s mother was so fresh that he felt like he might mess everything all up again. Of course, he had, but in the moment the fear didn’t let him think about other consequences.