She/Her | 36 | Cisgender | Bifurious ᑕᐣᓯ (Tân’si)! 🧡☆ My art is created using Paint Tool Sai v2 & A Huion H610PRO V2 tablet. I'm self-taught and currently living on Tsúūt’ínà land under Treaty no.7.
Updating my OC's, as per usual. Even though Nettie/Nettle is one of my newer OC's... well. Another WIP, this time jammed up with my notes to myself to clarify/remember things if/when I ever go back to this.
Speed Paint; trying to make a pfp or avatar or whatever it's called these days for my art medias. Self portraits continue to be something that feel strange and really highlight my issues with identifying myself without outside input. I tried to go less precise with details on this and leaned more heavily into a more stylistic approach. Can't wait until I can sit down with my art for long periods of time without my damn cataract straining everything lol. Oooooor maybe I'm just getting old :P
Still playing around with Mirabelle's design to get it right. I think I might drop the more jester/clown theme cause the extra patterns and the like really just put up a block to me wanting to draw her. That being said; it's cozy sweater time here soooo she gets the warm treatment. 💗🐮🔔
TW; Mention of pet death | Suicide | Depression | Borderline Personality Disorder & Medical Problems Under the Read More.
"You're too mean, I don't like you. Fuck you, anyways. You make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs. It hurts but, I won't fight you. You suck anyway. You make me want to die, just when I-
"When I wake up, I'm afraid somebody else might take my place. When I wake up, I'm afraid somebody else might end up being me."
Inspired by The Official Music Video for "Afraid" by The Neighbourhood; text you see on screen are lyrics from said song.
I feel like the original video had a lot of metaphors for BPD that struck a chord with me personally.
BPD is known for 'splitting' or 'black-and-white' thinking; hence the lack of color & strong shadows/lighting.
The 'A' in afraid is purposely positioned to look a like a dunce cap. BPD tends to react strongly to perceived abandonment or withdrawal; usually acting out against the very people they're worried about losing.
This is a Self Portrait. I tried putting on a cute outfit today to 'celebrate' the start of fall, but, in the end, it accidentally emphasized that I have nowhere to go.
A lot of the lyrics are supposed to be inwardly directed. I know bottling emotions isn't good, but I struggle to speak of my own feelings without overdoing it.
The core of everything is realizing it's all just being afraid of being replaced, abandoned, or left behind.
I definitely could go on, but I'm already down to 3 hrs sleep before I have to get up and go to work...
Been hurtling through some complicated and big feelings lately. Reflections in my journey to try and understand my (undiagnosed) BPD. I'm not currently actively seeking an official diagnosis primarily due to the stigma that comes with the disorder. I (ironically) even exploded over the idea that I have 'The Angry Disease', but after all the things that happened in 2024, then losing both of my cats in early 2025, my depression had hit such an all time low that it was effecting me physically. For a while I was dealing with weekly joint pain that left me unable to walk on the worst days and my migraines (previously a sore spot with my employer) were once again starting to surface after I thought I'd finally gotten them under control. I broke down, went to a doctor, and was asked if I had ever considered anti-depressants. I was immediately hesitant to be reliant on something that I felt like would simply be 'covering up' the problem, but we tried Divalproex (a mood-stabilizer/migraine management pill). My migraines were solved. The depression & chronic pain continued.
Blood tests, ultrasounds, x-rays and lots of physical exams later; I have minor scoliosis in my lower spine & bursitis in my hip. Doctors said these things shouldn't be causing as much trouble as I was having and shrugged. I was in trouble at my job for missing so many days. I couldn't keep on top of housework. I couldn't spend time with anyone because I was sleeping throughout the day. I caught myself idealizing suicide again. Went back to the doctor and got put on Duloxetine and finally, finally experienced relief physically & mentally.
Had to increase my dosage to get through summer and the end of August saw a throat & sinus infection. Another 3 weeks sick. Lost my voice. Felt isolated & disconnected once again, then the quiet drama in one of my friend groups finally came to a head. I was removed, unfriended, blocked & unfollowed from several spaces that I'd been trying to build the mental wherewithal to address. Even though I had purposely tried to go quiet in these spaces to preserve my own mental sanity, I caught myself splitting and realized a little-too late that it must've triggered my BPD.
I am trying so mother fucking hard to be a better person. I don't want to be 'the angry unreasonable girl'. I don't want to sabotage all of my interpersonal relationships. Quiet BPD. Petulant BPD. Self-Destructive BPD. I hate that I have so many traits from so many different types. All because of a childhood I had no control over. I'm so tired of trying to even like myself enough to do a self portrait.
She's not done yet (obvs) but this is my one-shot dungeon crawl Minotaur, Mirabelle and I love her so far…. 🤎🩷🐮
A Scribe who was hired from your local library by a debt collection agency for her super fancy calligraphy, Miss Mirabelle just wants to get people out of debt by (off-the-record, ofc) "fixing" some of the more… lengthy documents. She's very concerned for the very big numbers she's seen from certain individuals- doubly so when her agency sends out a (cleric?) to ensure the debt is collected. The woman has taken an extended vacay to catch up with these expensive individuals, and happily ends up doing a classic dungeon crawl in search of treasure instead!
My lovely girlfriend was sick on & off all day last week, so I wanted to stream/work on something for her.
This lady is her character: Fiachodhnuë Dreamrider. She's an Aeldari Ranger that will have to put up with Void, my Drukhari Psyker if we can find time to play the Warhammer: War & Glory game we were both invited to just recently. ;)
Dunno if I'm gonna have time to actually play it, but I was recently invited to a Warhammer 40k TTRPG (Wrath & Glory) and had fun making up my character with my girls since a lot of the Warhammer lore escapes me most of the time. ❤️
Her introductory write up is under the cut!
TW: Mentions of Blood, Death & Descriptions of Gore
The swing of the blade is a call to dinner. Carve the flesh and participate in the blood-letting to set the table. Sprinkle the atmosphere with a careful seasoning of terror, fear or despair and let the aroma of misery guide the senses to find the soul soaking in the marinade of suffering. Then feed, feed, feed. Satisfying or not doesn’t seem to matter to the constant thirst. Even a decadent meal only seems to serve as a sloppy stopper to the forever drain…
A poorly suppressed sigh escapes her lungs as she pulls her sword from the meat of her latest kill. The fleshy slorp of the limp body slumping away from her is supposed to be satisfying, but it isn’t. She cleans her blade, licks the blood from her lips and squares her shoulders to force herself to lean into the realization that it might be a bit before she can actually feed again. Before the thought fully settles though, the sound of a rapid retreat draws her gaze and she’s forced to abandon her current doings if she wants to catch them.
Both feet down and discreet, she swiftly takes after the now fleeing Ganger. The familiar build up of static buzz starts behind her eyes, rips through her gums and shoots straight down to her teeth. Her former attempts at being restrained are thrown aside as her eyes begin to glow, then the familiar cacophony of voices assails her mind: each overlapping and screaming for it’s own modicum of a foothold within her. The air crackles and sizzles. Bright, streaking forks of brilliant light arc towards the Ganger.
She can’t hear their screams over her own or the millions of others now echoing through her very bones. There is no way to distinguish where the smell of burning flesh is originating from, nor whether it’s fabric or skin that’s being flayed open. Then, as quickly as it began, it ends. This time the slump of their body hitting the ground is very satisfying. There's a brief, but urgent pause as the Drukhari eagerly takes in her very normal, very not Warp infused surroundings. She takes a breath to try and center herself; disguised as a last minute huff of exertion and the silence that rushes to fill her mind feels exquisite in its unmistakable message.
Her lips twist into a hungry, devilish grin. The Psyker wins again.
Vanna belongs to @nymphaeale 💜 🖤
Struggling to work with faded colors; I originally set out with this just being a warm up for faces, but the base ended up reminding me of Vanna, so I took the opportunity to draw the Vampire/Malkavian that I think has the most humanity in our Masquerade sessions. Fought with differentiating the details in the chains/earrings due to my cataract obscuring my light sensitivities, but I purposely didn't allow myself to obsess over small details here. Frustrating to not be able to polish stuff the way I normally like to, but I think it'll be good for me to try and let go a bit.
I haven't gotten around to designing her horrid form yet, buuuuuuut I got enough done so I could have a good token for the session last Wednesday, even if adult schedules meant we didnt end up getting to do it after all.
I was invited to a mini Pathfinder 2e game that's looking like it might be 1-2 sessions, but I wanted to jump on the opportunity to design another Goblin because I love them. 🍒
Tried a very rough/chaotic approach with this one; threw down color blobs first and refined as I went along instead of my usual more refined techniques and learned a bit here and there about color depth and defining edges. Also tried to do a more cohesive and clean silhouette/design instead of over cluttering things (as I'm learning I'm too quick to do). Cherry is a druid who specifically chose a path that meant she got to get a Leshy familiar, so I themed that around cherries too. Really struggled with how to incorporate cherries in the Leshy without just having it be 'two heads/faces' or everything ending up too cherry blossom themed since I already feel like my other character, Cherish, takes up that space.
The other themes I wanted was a sort of rockabilly/1940's pin-up girl look; I want Cherry to come across as a Goblin who's very particular about putting her best foot forward to try and break out of the usual Goblin stereotypes. There's lots of little cherry references in this piece that I was happy to lean into. This piece took me several days on and off as I put it down and picked it up several times. She speaks with a really heavy Canadian accent! Which works out perfectly with one of the other PCs being very 'detective noir' from the 40s too!
Working on a Tzimisce concept for the next Vampire one-shot within our current World of Darkness setting. :>
I didn't realize how faded the colors in my right eye are getting until I caught myself up in the brightest and most saturated part of the color wheel for the oranges and yellows here. Spent a solid ten minutes just staring at it wondering how to make it appear more 'vibrant' to me until I realized what was going on, lol.
I have big concepts for this that involve her 'dress' opening up to reveal the body horror beneath it that mark Tsimisce as flesh-sculptors, but we'll see if i get that far before next Wednesday.
Trying to remember to add more definition to Whisper's Nosferatu features made me realize I've spent too much mental energy on making my characters palatable to an invisible audience. Whisper is a rebel in a lot of senses of the word and I feel like part of the reason I've struggled with portraying them so much is because of that internal struggle. Worked on this off and on during our Vampire sessions both last week and last night and I like it much more than her formal iterations. Progress!
A friend teased that we'll be doing a Monsoon D&D '24 campaign sometime soon and I finally broke the seal and tried to design an arctic fox OC to play in his game. Drawing muzzles is hard!
Her name is Miso (shortform) and she is a very polite good girl who believes in very formal introductions and the comradery you can find in adventuring together.
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