Surviving the World Built Against Me

Reclaiming my Life after Abuse and Assault

[ace-angel]

‘bi people can pass as straight!’

anyone can pass as straight, if they silence themselves enough.

[pro-aspec-lesbian]

SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!

[jonesprime-deactivated20210816]

“Silence themselves” implies people hide it. How about they just don’t feel the need to advertise their sexuality? At the end of the day, no ones sexuality ought to be their defining feature (unless they want it to be), and if people aren’t like “oh hey, nice to meet you I’m [insert LGBTQ+ identity]” that doesn’t mean they are silencing themselves.

[lemonsharks]

Every person I meet, I have to assess. Is it safe to out myself? Will they get judgey? Will they get violent? Should I lie?

Do I really want to come out to my Uber driver?

If mention my fiancee, in casual conversation, what pronouns do I use? Most cishets won’t read “they” as queer, and she doesn’t mind me using it to keep myself safe. She has a gender neutral name. I’m lucky she has a gender neutral name. Cishets hear her name and think I’m engaged to a Christopher.

(I’m safer if they think my wife is to be my husband. I wish that I could give her the same gift, the same cloak of plausible deniability, and I hate myself for it. We are both bisexual; we would both be “gold star lesbians” if not for that inconvenient fact.)

My grandmother, who had for 22 years called me her soul-sister, proclaimed us kindred spirits, disowned me for not being straight enough. My father has not spoken me since he found out I’m marrying a woman.

I live in Chicago. I live in a queer neighborhood and work in a queer industry and visit a queer practice for my medical needs. I can clock other queers like a goddamn rainbow swatch. I eat breakfast at a queer cafe and I feel absolutely aglow when I see a cis-looking beardy dude wearing a he/him/his pin so the man I’d misread as a woman can wear that same pin himself and feel normal doing it.

When I was younger, I made a big deal about how my sexuality didn’t DEFINE me. (Because I’ll find a nice man and settle down and be safe and no one will know. Then it might go away.)

But as I’ve grown older I’ve come to understand that who we love and how we love are fucking important.

It’s not a privilege to be read as straight, it’s an insult.

This isn’t passing. It’s hiding.

And I desperately long for the day I don’t have to do it anymore.

[rosy-avenger]

“It’s not a privilege to be read as straight, it’s an insult.”

[femmesurvivor]

👏😭❤️

[femmesurvivor]

My coworker sucks.

That fucked up shit when people demand consistency only when it benefits them, but if it’s too much work or they don’t like it.... fuck it.

[femmesurvivor]

So I’m at a cabin with my boyfriend’s family, whom I love. Last night a bunch of us were down by the lake and his mom, aunts, and grandma were all reminiscing about memories they had up at this lake. I was racking my brain realizing I didn’t have stories like this with my grandparents. I didn’t have stories like this from my childhood. I had a traumatic upbringing, something I wouldn’t even really call a childhood. It wasn’t like others. It has been trauma and abuse as far back as I can remember. And the good moments are clouded by the storm. I wonder what it’s like to have grown up like this. I worry I’ll resent my own children for the opportunity I never had.

[bullletproof-love]

Don’t tell your daughter that when a boy is mean or rude to her it’s because he has a crush on her. Don’t teach her that abuse is a sign of love.

[comic-canary]

My mom always taught me yell or fight back. Boys would be mean and I would yell back. I would get my ass pinched and I would smack them as hard as I could.

Who alway got in trouble? Me.

They would call my mother and she always came in and lectures my teachers and threatened to sue for making her miss work and treating me poorly.

She always taught my brothers to respect women. The only fights my brothers ever got in was defending women from someone else.

The school tried to call my father once instead of my mother on us. He came in in his full preacher outfit (being a preacher and all) and gave them an entire sermon on what would Jesus day of he was called in. They decided dealing with my mom was better.

[edmundo-noches-buckley]

I think my favorite story of this is when some kid snapped my bra and I turned around, didn’t even think about it, and punched that little motherfucker right in the nose.

So naturally, I end up in the principal’s office, refusing to apologize. 

“He shouldn’t have put his hands on me and I wouldn’t have hit him!” That’s the only thing I was saying.

These people had the unfortunate luck of catching my dad at home, instead of my mom. So he comes fucking sauntering in there, like he’s Clint fucking Eastwood in some western movie and looks at me. 

“Melissa, did you punch him?” 

“Yes.” I said. 

“Why?” 

“Because he snapped my bra strap.” 

And he turns his squinty eyed glare to the principal and says, “You’re telling me my daughter is in trouble because that squirrely looking kid put his hands on her and she chose to defend herself? That’s what you are saying to me.” 

“Well, sir-” The man kind of stuttered because my dad is kind of intimidating in the quiet sort of way that kind of whispers in the back of your mind that this person could be dangerous. “Melissa did make it physical.” 

“No. That kid put his hands on my daughter. Are you saying my daughter cannot defend herself when some boy decides to put hands on her? Is that what you are teaching my girl?” 

I didn’t get suspended that day.  

[lotrlocked]

*slow clap for excellent parenting*

[ive-got-a-dark-side]

This is the parent I want to be omg

[marybeatriceofmodena]

I went to a nun school. 

The nuns there were like, so rad. 

It was a party organized for the end of the school year, and I was helping in the kitchen to prepare stuff with a nun and a bunch of little girls. There was one of the girls’ little brother who was there. 

There was a little girl who was carrying a bowl of tomato sauce and was going outside, but the boy was just in front of her and he slammed the door in her face. She dropped the bowl on the floor and got all messy. 

So what happened? 

The nun went outside, took the boy by the arm, and gave him an epic speech going around the lines of: “Would you treat the Virgin Mary like that, young man?” “Nnnnno…” “Then treat every girl like she’s the Virgin Mary.” Not only the boy had to apologize to the little girl, but he also had to clean up and he was put on kitchen duty for the rest of the day. 

Then another day, in catechism class (I was a in a girls’ school, mind you), the nun was there telling us: “If a guy touches you in a way you don’t like, punch him in the face. It’s not a sin against charity. On the contrary, you’re being charitable by showing him he’s sinning by impurity and you’ll save him from going to hell.” 

So I was at my desk during class looking like this: 

[musicalhell]

Reblogging for awesome dads and kickass nuns.

[knitmeapony]

If the Catholic church were run by like 90% of the nuns I know, the world would be a much better, much cooler place.

[femmesurvivor]

That moment when your abusive ex boyfriend’s mom comments after you on a post on Facebook and you do some investigating and find out a ton of people are still friends with the asshole and you feel betrayed because he’ll always be fine but you’re forever scarred by him.

[femmesurvivor]

I keep having flashbacks and nightmares. I can’t tell if the nightmares are just that, or if they’re memories. Most of the flashbacks are ones I’ve had before: running away from a client’s house after he kept me against my will chained to a wall being raped by him and his dad for 3 days; getting beat across the back with a tennis racket because I ran away from said client; being dropped off in their van back on campus and trying to quickly get away so I wouldn’t get caught. We are switching districts at work and the way they’re preparing for the switch makes it feel like we’re preparing to be sold. It’s incredibly triggering as someone who was trafficked. My SO and I watched a podcast of people who were discussing sex work in a very positive, compassionate, empathetic light and they were wonderful. My SO asked me what I thought, and it all came out. I broke down and couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t look at him bc I’m ashamed and embarrassed. Bc not only was I trafficked, I also engaged in sex work voluntarily. Because men have pushed what I allowed even as a sex worker. Because men have tried to get more for free after they paid me. Because men have put their forearms across my neck to try to stop me from leaving.

[mortoisetheturtoise]

huilfbsdihfkjG THEY DISCOVERED AMELIA EARHART’S BONES ON INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY WHAT THE THIS IS A PERFECT COINCIDENCE 

[brendanthesalty-deactivated2018]

It’s kind of even better than that.

They actually didn’t find new bones. Rather, a forensic scientist re-examined measurements taken from bones found on Nikumamoru Island back in 1940. The bones were originally examined by some dude back in 1941 who unequivocally concluded they had to belong to a “short, stocky male” because there’s no way they could belong to some fearless globe-trotting adventurer delicate woman. Using new techniques to examine the measurements, the scientist has concluded with 99% certainly the Nikumamoru bones belonged to Eartheart.

So yeah, basically Earheart’s disappearance was only a “mystery” for like eighty years because of lowkey sexism and shitty science. And now we more or less know the truth. On International Women’s Day.

[thatdiabolicalfeminist]

some good consent phrases

“May I hug you?”

“When I ask you if you want to do something, you know it’s always okay to say no, right?”

“Let me know if you get uncomfortable, okay?”

“How do you feel about (x activity)?”

(When someone’s insecure about having said no and asks if it’s okay/if you’re mad or upset they said no) “I’m disappointed to not do the thing, of course, but I’m much more glad you were willing to tell me (no/that you were uncomfortable/etc.). That’s really important to me. Thank you.”

“I’d ALWAYS rather be told no than make you feel pressured or do anything to hurt you or make you uncomfortable.”

“I care about you, so when something I do hurts you or makes you uncomfortable, I want to know, because I don’t like making you feel bad.”

“You can always change your mind, okay? The moment you wanna (stop/go home/take a break/etc), PLEASE tell me and we’ll stop right away. I won’t make a fuss, I don’t wanna keep going if you don’t want to.”

“Wanna do (x)? It’s okay if not, but I think it would be (fun/worthwhile/prudent).”

(When starting a social phone call): “Hey, are you busy right now?”

(When confirming plans made earlier): “Hey, are you still up for doing (x) at (time) on (day)?”

“Can I vent a little about (x)?”

“Can I tell you something (gross/depressing)?”

“Are you comfortable talking about it?”

“Do you think you could talk me through this problem I’ve been having? If you have the time and emotional energy of course.”

“It’s okay if that doesn’t work for you.”

“I’m interested in spending more time with you. Would you be interested in doing (x) together on (y day)?”

“No? Well let me know if you ever want to do something else.” (leave it open! don’t nag! let it go!)

“You don’t seem very interested in this. Should we skip it?”

(When someone doesn’t seem interested in something you were suggesting) “We can just (do something you both want to do) instead.” (don’t try to get them to do the thing again! let it go!)

Consent culture - it’s about way more than just sex!

Give people as much freedom as possible to make their own choices without pressure or control.

Even children deserve as much autonomy as allows them to remain safe and get their needs met - remember, you can’t train a child to make good/safe/healthy choices without ever giving them choices. A child who is taught to respect consent is a child who doesn’t assault people! A child who knows they have a right to say no is a child who knows that someone who infringes on their autonomy isn’t supposed to do that.

A consent-conscious relationship is a healthier and safer relationship, and a person who is aware of and deliberate about asking for, giving, receiving, refusing, and accepting refusals of consent is a healthier and safer person.

[xx-thedarklord-xx]

This is great for anyone doing consent fest, or just information to have in general. Consent matters in any capacity.

[femmesurvivor]

Red flag

I thought about cutting again yesterday. First time in over a year. I’m in so much pain from dealing with my second rape. So I called in from work today. Thankful for my support network.

[femmesurvivor]

That moment when you feel guilty for a split second of feeling ok during a hellhole of shit and remember how fucked up it is that you feel guilty for feeling ok after everything you’ve been through.

[femmesurvivor]

Feeling like a failure

I came out about my second rape yesterday. I pushed myself too far yesterday and called in today. I was considering taking a short leave of absence to take care of myself but I can’t afford it. So I called in one day. The problem is I’m a cake decorator and it’s a holiday weekend (vday) and I used to be the only one but we have a new decorator and she’s all on her own. I feel like I’m failing her and my team but at the same time my management team never set me up for success. They’ve called and texted and I’ve responded when I could but I need to take care of myself. I just feel like fucking shit no matter what.

[femmesurvivor]

I just came out to everyone on my Facebook about my second rape and I’m so god damn sensitive right now. I’m exhausted and want to leave work early and curl up on my couch. I want to be able to cry but I can’t. I can’t do anything I want to right now and it’s making me sick. The one time I actually want to release the tears I can’t.

[baawri]

[latinarebels]

wow so powerful.  what film is this?

[xtaticpearl-deactivated20180118]

Lajja. This film is called Lajja. Lajja, in a general translation from Hindi, means Shame. 

It talks about different women in different situations overcoming the shame instilled by the society to keep them under the control of men. 

[ithelpstodream]

[femmesurvivor]

Just because you’re an ally doesn’t mean you’re IN the community. I’m a trans* ally, but am cis. I’m an ally to POC, but am white. Doesn’t make me in the communities as a member.

[catgirl-kaiju]

Me at the Women’s March in Dallas, TX. Overall, it was a wonderful and empowering event and I had a great time for my first protest! I thought that I might get sensory overload from all the noise, but somehow it helped that I felt like I was a part of the noise.

[buffysummers]

it’s important to remember that every person is capable of committing sexual assault. just because men are the ones who are mostly caught for it does not mean a woman can’t commit the same crimes. it’s important to remember that women enjoy sex and want sex just as much as men do. they may statistically handle these desires better, but that does not mean a woman can’t rape another person. please respect all sexual assault/rape survivors and do not belittle them because the person who committed the crime doesn’t necessarily fit society’s idea of the part.

[femmesurvivor]

It is important to remember that rape and sexual assault have absolutely nothing to do with sex. They are not sex. Ever.

[femmesurvivor]

When a tv show kills off an adult character with a crock pot, people start throwing away their crock pots. When a real life instant pot malfunctions and the steam severely burns a real life human child’s face, no one cares.