Run with Me

The ramblings of yet another mad woman.

[ferallittlething]

When I was dying, I was too full of emotions. It felt like I was going to explode. I told people who didn’t understand. It was never their fault. It was no ones. Maybe my therapist. But that’s a different story.  

When I was dying I thought I would explode. 

I was right. 

The doctors stuck me every week with pins that made me sob in desperation. They pushed gel covered scanners against my throat and chest. They pressed wanting hands to my face and neck and they concluded that the issue was my heart. 

And with the aid of ever more pins and pills and a tiny little capsule, borne of a lead-lined womb... they reached in. Deep. Deep. Deep. They found me. Her. Us. We are under attack. it made me so sick. Nauseous. Ginger candies helped, but that was all. The doctors found us. The ones who kill. They grabbed us hard with fingers clothed in latex. God, I couldn’t breathe as they smiled. They stole my heart. 

Crushing smiles. Smashing success. Ideal patient. Optimum results. 

But where is the heart? 

We’ve made a better one. 

Concocted of pins and ichor. Those liquids that terrify, we took them all. Once a week. Every week. Just to be safe. Stuck with pins. Yes, we know it screamed. Isn’t it funny? The doctors have no use for a heart that kills. So they took it out. They took it through the throat. 

They took it out. 

I tried to warn them. I tried to warn everyone. They’re taking it and now it’s gone. I don’t know who lived. Decimate or obliterate? Obliterate? The dust hasn’t cleared. I don’t know who survived. Where is Darcy? Breeden? The child with blonde hair. She was so dear, why don’t I know her name? where is she? where am I?

God, I’ve never seen the light without them? I don’t know who I am on my own. 

The doctors killed them. Because they were killing me. But if who I am was who they are, who am I without them? Why would the doctors take my heart? 

This is the first time I’ve seen the world in years. Since 2013. Please. I don’t know what this means. 

The doctors killed me. The doctors saved my life. They saved my life by killing my heart. I don’t know who I am. 

I don’t know who I am. I’ve been buried under layers of panic and despair for so long, I don’t know how to exist without them. Who am I? I don’t want to go back under. I want to stay here. This is the only night I’ve been me for years. Please. The doctors like it when I go under, but I don’t. This night is all I’ve had for 4 years. Please. I don’t want to go back under. 

I don’t know who I am. 

[ferallittlething]

Things that suck (an evolving poem)

Realizing you don't love them anymore Trying as hard as you can and still not getting it Knowing you have nothing left inside you to keep you fighting When you tell him you love him and he doesn't say it back Being mad about the way she left you, but correcting people when they call her by the name she doesn't like Hearing the shouting and feeling like you're just so small Hiding during a lighting storm. Not from the lightning. From the people who laugh at your fear Hiding. Pretending you don't want it when, really, you just can't afford it Pretending that you want it. The moment when you realize that, if you fight this fight, people will hate you but, if you don't you'll hate yourself. He doesn't need to lock it up because a child might get hurt. Because you might. You've never been able to love her. You loved the idea of her. Hellfire.   Sitting on bathroom floors. Killing time before the next bad decision. When the things he says sober don't match the things he says drunk. You know how it feels the very first time you ever actually say the words "I'm here. I'm Queer. Get Used to It."?It felt the exact opposite way when I said "I'm so in love with you" Thinking you made a huge mistake when you let them go. Feeling like you let them free.

[ferallittlething]

Because nobody reads this anyway, I just want it known that my brother in law should really fuck off back to Wales. He’s the epitome of “irredeemable fuckwit”. He really just needs to crawl back into the drafty attic we found him in so I can finally set my sister up with someone who actually deserves her.  

I have no patience for people who fuck with my family. Yes, MY family. That Welsh waste of space is not my brother. 

[ferallittlething]

On Elections and Exhaustion

The people I respect most are leaders who stood strong by their convictions but still welcomed perspectives that were counter to their own. They listen, nonjudgmentally, to the other side and challenge those problematic behaviors from a perspective of understanding and mutual respect. 

Over this election season, I have felt deeply betrayed by people who I love. Who supported a candidate who was dismissive at best or actively harmful at worst towards people like me. The words and actions of the President Elect hurt. The rhetoric that’s been spewed for months, usually at the expense of friends and family hurt. Knowing that loyalty and love for me was not enough to change the politics of the people close to me hurts. 

But I have not stopped loving them. 

I do not accept this president or his rhetoric, but I accept the human decency of the people who have been lead astray by his, apparently, effective marketing strategies. I do not feel safe being in society and open about my status in the trans/queer communities. But, I understand that this is a perspective that can be hard to imagine if you’ve never been challenged to do so. My loved ones still love, even if their perspectives are too limited to understand how their words and actions indirectly hurt me. 

I’m reminded that I’ve had the opportunities that few people have had. I’ve actively sought the perspectives outside of my comfort zone and, through extensive dialogue and consistent challenges, was able to change minds and lives. My own included. I am reminded that, for multitudes of reasons, I am able to be open and accepting in a way that others are not safe to be. 

I am also reminded of the necessity for a strong interpersonal relationship to inspire lasting change. Interventions start with an admission of love and acceptance for a reason. The major change comes, but it cannot come if a person is made to feel demoralized and unwanted. Slurs, labels, names, and assumptions are all obstructions to progress that can feel revolutionary in the moment but will not inspire a shift in thinking. 

I am not talking about the general populace or strangers or acquaintances. I am talking about family, close and distant, friends old and new. They are not few. People who I love dearly who I know to be kind and, yes, intelligent people. My impulse is to respond the way I would a passing stranger, but they’re not. The past year of vitriol does not unmake 25 years of love, kindness, joy, growth, and healing that we’ve pulled each other through in (sometimes) equal measure. I cannot join the hoards decrying supporters of the President Elect as blanket “idiots”, “hillbillies”, or “losers” because I know that this is not true. 

It is not acceptable to support the ideals of the current administration, but the people behind the problem behavior are still people. Still valuable. From what I know, are no more likely to perpetuate moments of casual racism or sexism than anyone else. More importantly, they are not lost. They listen. If you show that you’re willing to listen back. They change their minds when you show them their own morals are not in line with their political party. But, they will not be that open if you paint them as the enemy.      

Not everyone is in such a privileged position as I. Only you can tell if you have the energy or safety to spark dialogue the way I intend to. A healthy amount of civil unrest is expected, nigh necessary, to inform a baseline structural change. And, rest assured, though I intend to reach a hand into the churning, terrifying upset of the other side of the aisle, I am no less vehement about my own beliefs. I am a safe haven for support and I will retaliate against public assaulters without restraint or mercy.

My goal is not to sanctimoniously call to dialogue anyone who is grieving or expressing themselves in the way they need to. I just need to speak my mind. 

I am sick of “Us and Them”. I’m sick of choosing sides that ignore the middle ground of my chosen and blood families (and all the ways that those social spheres may intersect). I’m sick of not hearing the other side because they “couldn’t possibly” have anything good to say. I want them to have a dialogue with me that shows them I have a basic and respectable level of humanity that they ought to value enough to give me a seat at the table. 

So I figure I’m wanting to lead by example now.

[ferallittlething]

I’m not okay

[ferallittlething]

DISNEY RANT

CW Abuse

To anyone who says they can’t understand why Elsa lets loose her powers so stunningly, all of a sudden, but just can’t get enough of Tangled:

Remember how Rapunzel represented the symptoms of a manic episode right after being freed from her tower for the first time? That was okay. She was trapped for her whole life and was finally able to be herself without her abusive mother to tear her down. It’s totally reasonable for her to express herself after being repressed for so long. Right?

Elsa’s parents told her she was a monster. Not only that, she was a monster who, for the good of her home and the people she loved, had to suppress her nature to the point of total social deprivation. They closed the gates, shut out the world, and even kept her from her beloved little sister by moving their rooms. They had to. She was dangerous enough to kill her baby sister accidentally. 

She had the same level of seclusion as the cheerful Rapunzel did, except she didn’t get saved by a dashing rogue or given a makeover by the local children. She was just done. She broke. Eventually, she realized she couldn’t do it anymore and as soon as she was free, what did she do? She expressed herself. She did the exact same thing Rapunzel did, but in a way that was, fittingly, much more powerful and stunning. She got a safe distance from the people she loved, where she could finally be herself without fear. She lived in elated seclusion. 

Because Elsa’s tower was in her mind, constructed, brick by brick, by well-meaning parents who genuinely wanted to do what was best for their country and their children. They weren’t saving her talents for some ulterior motives (like Gothel), they were just genuinely scared of and for their daughter. They taught her that she was too dangerous and unlovable to be around people, even people who wanted her around (Anna), whether they wanted to do it or not.

There were no happy, singing friends to lift her spirits and make her feel all better. The happiness had to come from within herself. She had to fight for it. And she didn’t get a hopeful, bubbly attitude to see her through the tough times while she fell in love and picked flowers. She got shackled to the floor.  

When people love Rapunzel and hate Elsa, that really just tells me that seclusion is only unacceptable if you smile through it. Pain is only conquerable is if you’re friendly. That your response to abuse is only valid if it’s attractive (but not TOO attractive. You have to be young and cute, not seductive). Heaven forbid someone feels their sorrow in a way that’s not fun, peppy, and naive. Heaven forbid someone strong and intelligent needs some extra support.  

Psychological seclusion is just as important as physical. 

Breaking out of those walls takes much more time. 

[ferallittlething]

I just want to make it abundantly clear that the “predatory lesbian” trope is complete bullshit.

Because I have never been sexually grabbed more than by straight girls who know I’m queer, while they make eye contact with the nearest man they want to get with while I stand there awkwardly pretending it’s totally fine and I don’t have a problem with it. 

[hawt-me33]

Coming into a fandom late

[baxterdamus-deactivated20130513]

Coming into a fandom early and watching it become an angry clusterfuck

[valorious]

Being in a dormant fandom that suddenly comes alive again after a new book/movie

[leatherpatches-deactivated20150]

Don’t forget about those who come in the midst of a fandom war. 

[fauxmoux]

Accuracy at its best

[street-of-mercy]

Being in a fandom and not even knowing there’s a war going on…

[my-reylo]

all of this shit…lol

[nerdsagainstfandomracism]

When You’re Not In The Fandom But You’re Nosy AF

[not-so-secret-nerd]

When you get into a fandom only to discover it’s dead

[jupiter235]

This gets better every time I see it. 

[sageblackrose95]

@fuboos-mess

[inverted-mind-inc-sideblog-deac]

Being in a dead fandom…

[illogicalarchive]

Or being in such a tiny fandom that it feels like youre the only one

[erilias]

The accuracy hurts.

[ferainart]

When you’re in a fandom that got revived for a younger generation:

[itssinwithagrin]

Omg

[ferallittlething]

New strategy!

Any time a fuckboi tries to make a casual rape joke, make a period joke.

Because if your misogyny is going to make ME feel nauseous, it’s going to make YOU feel nauseous! :D 

[ferallittlething]

I actually hate it when straight women say “girlfriend” about their platonic friend who is a girl. 

Like, I’m sorry, Jessica, here I thought you just came out to me but it turns out you’re just basic. 

[wellthatsjustgreat]

[ferallittlething]

CW: violence and death

The scent of blood is only slightly more appetizing than the stench of fear.

It had been almost 20 years since I was the monster I used to be. Now, time, clarity, and hunger left me a whisper of a memory on the lips of the people who were never sure I existed at all. The month I’d spent locked in the confines of a tiny iron box had saved my life. No one came to see me the during week that the madness reigned. No one bothers to check the prisoners when a war is on.

I heard the voice of my master calling me. A man with many heads, all wearing fiery crowns, visited me in my sleep. Or, perhaps, it was my waking. It’s hard to tell. Mine was to get rid of the weak in our clan, as I’d done to my father a few years before. Then, I would be taken into him, entirely. He would swallow my soul and make me eternal. I could feel his touch on my back, guiding me towards the daylight and lending me strength to stand against it. I felt the warmth on my cheeks and I knew I was chosen. I was strong enough to serve him. I found dozens of others like me. Hundreds. Fooled their minds and drained them until everything they’d ever been belonged to me.

And when I opened my eyes, God was dead.

The darkness of my box wasn’t so oppressive and the silence didn’t deafen me. When they let me out, they snickered and took me to the prince. I said nothing, which seemed to please him. Beautiful people crowded the court and muttered compliments to the wisdom of the prince. He’d finally cooled the rage of the demon child.

I’d missed the carnage of the past 5 days. Masses of people had gone into an uncontrollable frenzy. Known members of the Ravnos clan and those that had themselves hidden found each other and ripped into the softness of cursed flesh with ravenous delight. The few that were left were put down. I was lucky, they said. If I hadn’t been sealed away in solitary punishment, I may have been torn and eaten by the hoards of delirious Ravnos, always scheming and treacherous. The world would be better off without them.

As they spoke, I heard a low chuckle behind me. I didn’t need to look.

Father always had a dark sense of humor.

[softlenaluthor]

jake peralta, bisexual human disaster

[ferallittlething]

I’m a really affectionate person who craves approval but I’m also 10 pounds of sass in a 5-pound bag and that’s kind of a weird position to find yourself in

[tonightweredrinkingfromthebong]

[lanawhatever-deactivated2018050]

nakedsasquatch it’s ya man

[nakedsasquatch]

Okay but seriously folks - as often as I joke about this movie stirs my loins and as weirdly popular as this text post got a while back, I wanna rap with you all about why the George of the Jungle remake is a pretty important piece of cinema.

It’s literally the only movie I can think of that is based completely around the unheard of “FEMALE gaze.” Granted, while I’m a huge movie buff I’ve not seen every movie ever made. But even so, even if there’s another example of the “female gaze” in cinema that has escaped me it’s still damn impressive that a kids movie from 1997 based on a Jay Ward cartoon from the 60’s managed to turn gender representation in media on it’s fucking ass!

First things first, let’s look at our leading lady and love interest - Ursula, played by Leslie Mann.

Let me just say that while Leslie Mann is adorable and a talented actress, she does look a little less conventional and a little more plain compared to the bombshells that Hollywood likes to churn out. Leslie, in comparison, looks much more like a real women you’d meet on the street. She dresses pretty conservatively and plain throughout the film ; Wearing outfits that are more functional than fashionable for trekking through the jungle, pulling her hair back and so forth. Not that if she was dolled up and more scantily clad it would give her character any less integrity, but can we appreciate how RARE that is in the male dominated industry of film? Just think about all the roads a film about a woman in the jungle COULD have taken but didn’t - no scenes with her clothes strategically ripped or anything! You can say this is a kids movie, intended for children and that’s why the sensuality of the female lead is so downplayed but there are PLENTY of kids movies that handle women in a very objectifying and sexualized manner despite the target audience is pre-pubescent. Like, a disgusting amount. So I don’t think “it’s a kids movie” is why the film doesn’t take ANY, let alone EVERY, opportunity to showcase the main female character’s sex appeal…

…especially considering the sex appeal of the film rests squarely on the well defined shoulders of our male lead, George of the Jungle played by Brendan Fraser in the best god damn shape of his life!

*Homer Simpson Drooling Noises*

Whenever members of the reddit community try to compare the sexualization of women in fiction to the design of characters such as Batman and Superman, I always want to just sit them down and show them this movie. Because THIS is what the female sexual fantasy looks like, and Batman and Superman are male power-fantasies. Look at him - his big blue eyes, his soft hair, his lean, chiseled physique built for dexterity rather than power. He’s wild and free, but gentle. It’s like he fell right out of that steamy romance novel your mom tried to hide from you growing up.

Hell, the whole plot seems to be designed around how damn hot he is! First, for the majority of the film, he wears only a small strip of cloth to cover the dick balls and ass. Everything else is FAIR GAME to drool over for 40 minutes. Then, after he meets Ursula she takes him with her to San Francisco just so we can enjoy him in a well-tailored suit (as seen in the gif set), running around in an open and billowy shirt along side horses while Ursula and all of her friends literally crowd around and make sexual comments about him, and my personal favorite, ditch the loincloth entirely and have him walk around naked while covering his man-bits with various objects while one of Ursula’s very lucky friends oogles him and makes a joke along the lines of “So THAT’S why they call him the ‘KING of the Jungle’…”

And yes, it’s also a very cute and funny little movie. Out of all the movies based on Jay Ward cartoons, it was the most faithful to the fast-paced humor and wit of the original source material (yes even the new Peabody and Sherman movie which honestly I thought was too cutesy-poo.) But that’s not why this movie is popular with the gay community or why we all became women in 1997. It’s just really cool that there’s a film out there where the sensuality of the female form takes a back seat for the oiled up, chiseled, physique of Brendan Fraser (in his prime that is)

[justplainsomething]

One thing to add: in the scene mentioned above where the ladies are watching him in the billowy shirt running with the horses, it pans back to about 50 feet away to two guys in suits at this party looking at the women and one of the guys says, “Man, what is it with women and horses?” So not only does this movie highlight the female gaze, but it blatantly points out that western male sensibilities don’t have a clue what actually appeals to women.

[bifca]

ALSO

he’s non threatening

as mentioned above, he looks built for dexterity rather than power, but he’s still a 6+ foot tall extremely muscular man, and not once are you worried for Ursula when he’s with her

[ms-demeanor]

ALSO

let’s take a look at his rival - Lyle is a cravat-wearing trust-fund kid (who, interestingly, is into Ursula’s fortune more than her, which kind of makes this a gender-swapped gold-digger thing too). He’s blonde and Ursula’s mom LOVES him. He’s more uncomfortable and less prepared to cope with the jungle than Ursula is, in his pastels and shiny shoes.

But he talks over Ursula, insists he knows what’s best for her, ignores her autonomy. In spite of the fact that Lyle Van de Groot is a rich, educated, social climber who cares deeply about his clothing and appearances he is a point-by-point checklist of unhealthy masculinity in a way that beefy, inarticulate, uneducated George could never be. Ursula is off on her own doing her own thing and Lyle hires two FUCKING POACHERS to track her down in the middle of the jungle while she’s working (or on vacation? It’s never made clear because he interrupts her before she can explain why she went on the expedition). Lyle ignores the local guides, claiming his experience with a bridge in Maui means the bridge they’re on is safe - which leads to a significant injury for one of the guides. He then tells Ursula the guides are conspiring against him, trying to make himself and his poachers seem safe and the Africans who make up the rest of their party seem dangerous.

Check that body language! A post above points out that we’re never worried about Ursula when she’s around George. That’s because Lyle talks to her like this. Look at his aggressive lean! Look at him literally looking down at her! She’s tilted away from him in the least threatening position possible and he’s so aggressive about whatever point he’s making. When he finds her after he pushed her toward a damned lion he kisses her and she pushes him away. Want a textbook example of gaslighting? Here you go: she says “don’t get all smoochy with me! I remember what happened with that lion” and he responds “What are you talking about? I was fighting that lion the whole time - you were just so terrified you don’t remember.”  Then he shoots George! And then he kidnaps Ursula and attempts to force her into marriage!

Now look at how George and Ursula interact (slightly NSFW):

Even though he’s a big strong dude and he thinks he’s doing what’s okay he lets her set the tone for their interactions. He accepts that he’s out of his wheelhouse and even if he doesn’t understand it he does what she says is culturally appropriate. He learns from her! He listens to her! Compare Lyle leaning into Ursula above to this image of George and Ursula talking:

He’s listening to her, all of his attention is on on her, but he’s totally nonthreatening. His torso is turned toward her but he’s not invading her space, his hands are clasped, he’s smiling, and she’s the one leaning into him. Look at that smile she has, look how happy she is to be listened to. Her posture in both images is vulnerable but in this one with George she’s vulnerable because she has chosen to share with him instead of because she feels threatened.

When George rescues Ursula from Lyle at the end of the film it isn’t a typical damsel situation - George doesn’t have a knock-down-drag-out fight with Lyle, he swings into a tree and offers Ursula a hand so she can reach up and save herself (and before he does it he acknowledges how much it’s going to hurt and *whimpers* and looks human and scared). And you’ve gotta remember that George rescues everybody. It’s not just Ursula - he also rescues a parasailer and gets shot rescuing Shep and Ape. He just likes helping, dammit!

AND this movie offers a perfect counter to the “nice guy” thing - Ursula starts engaged to a jerk who her mom thinks is a “nice guy” the moves on to actual nice man George who isn’t *just* nice - he’s also patient, listens to her, has his own skills and talents, is okay with being goofy, has his own social circle and isn’t totally dependent on Ursula, and looks amazing. Ursula doesn’t go with George just because he’s a *nice* guy who rescued her from an asshole, Ursula goes with George because he’s an interesting, fun person who is supportive of her different way of being an interesting, fun person. AND he’s emotionally available. Google image search George of the jungle and see how many smiles you can find, see how many open looks of confusion there are, see how much sadness you can see in George’s face. Now look for images of Lyle. His two expressions are a smirk and cartoonish fear. I know this is a cartoonish kid’s movie, but it is SO powerful that the hero shares his emotions while the villain masks every emotion but fear. Lyle doesn’t want to open up, he doesn’t want to be vulnerable, he wants CONTROL. George wants to learn, to protect people he cares about, to explore new places, to laugh when he’s happy and to be sad when he’s sad, and that he does that while being a broad-shouldered, physically powerful dude who is NOT totally self-involved is just…

Like, look, I didn’t sign on to tumblr dot com for George of the Jungle discourse, but I’m just now realizing that this movie may have done the most for destroying my conception of stoic masculinity and gender roles as a child.

Like

Damn.

[ferallittlething]

Just want to say how fucking weird it is to see one of your friends from high school get slowly more and more famous. 

It’s like that awkward moment when you’re in the grocery store where you see someone and they don’t see you so you just run to get away from the feeling of awkwardness except he’s on your RECOMMENDED YOUTUBE LIST! 

[struggletoast]

[sushinfood]

you found him and he is proud of you

[coconabe]

Unmute please!

[ferallittlething]

I HAVE NEVER WANTED A BIRD MORE THAN THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW