Cleaning my house to the Shrek 2 soundtrack. (Thoughts as a 31 year old who has depression and adhd and struggles to balance all they do.)
I've realized my hardest thing is I don't put away when I'm done. I'm not that bitch. I'm a leave it where I used it bitch. So I'm constantly picking up after my terrible roommate (me one week ago)
Today I am desperately picking up after an injured person who couldn't clean or cook after they were gone 3 weekends in a row then immediately threw their back out after having had an extremely busy and emotionally turbulent month, so its been a lot. A lot of depression and crying. I am cheering up due to external wins so i have a lot of work I had to do to help the sad bitch inside me while I'm feeling good.
I ordered delivery laundry (it was expensive I have learned this as well.) But they folded and sorted and boy howdy that was helpful as hell. My least favorite chore and the one that threw my back out 2 weeks ago. I'm thinking I'm gonna just do 2 weekends in a row of the service to get caught up, use it to clean, donate, and store spring/summer and revitalize fall/winter. I also need desperately to clean my bedding and towels. Once all that's done I can go back to doing it myself or just use it once a month when I have a big load.
This is so hard for me it saps my energy when my house is so bad. It isn't a reflection of me as a person but it does make me feel worse about myself when im living in it so I want to fix it. Hiring help is something I'm very lucky I can do because while I'm meeting such WONDERFUL people that I'm sure would help me in a second I'm not comfy yet asking for help. My friend did help me move the clothes that were in the way of my bathroom when I couldn't bend over though bless her heart.
I had a big realization that I can't do band stuff ALL weekend and I need to do care for Eli day. It's good im getting there. I'm much more gentle with myself these days and kind to myself and itnmakes it easier to care for someone who is kind to you even when you slip up and your house gets messy.
Anyway I did sew puppet teeth so that was nice.
And I hung a white board.
And I met the Bluegrass band I'm hiring and I Rested SO MUCH and played minecraft with famelily. So I had a good weekend while also cleaning and caring for my self.
Cleaning my house to the Shrek 2 soundtrack. (Thoughts as a 31 year old who has depression and adhd and struggles to balance all they do.)
I've realized my hardest thing is I don't put away when I'm done. I'm not that bitch. I'm a leave it where I used it bitch. So I'm constantly picking up after my terrible roommate (me one week ago)
Today I am desperately picking up after an injured person who couldn't clean or cook after they were gone 3 weekends in a row then immediately threw their back out after having had an extremely busy and emotionally turbulent month, so its been a lot. A lot of depression and crying. I am cheering up due to external wins so i have a lot of work I had to do to help the sad bitch inside me while I'm feeling good.
I ordered delivery laundry (it was expensive I have learned this as well.) But they folded and sorted and boy howdy that was helpful as hell. My least favorite chore and the one that threw my back out 2 weeks ago. I'm thinking I'm gonna just do 2 weekends in a row of the service to get caught up, use it to clean, donate, and store spring/summer and revitalize fall/winter. I also need desperately to clean my bedding and towels. Once all that's done I can go back to doing it myself or just use it once a month when I have a big load.
This is so hard for me it saps my energy when my house is so bad. It isn't a reflection of me as a person but it does make me feel worse about myself when im living in it so I want to fix it. Hiring help is something I'm very lucky I can do because while I'm meeting such WONDERFUL people that I'm sure would help me in a second I'm not comfy yet asking for help. My friend did help me move the clothes that were in the way of my bathroom when I couldn't bend over though bless her heart.
I had a big realization that I can't do band stuff ALL weekend and I need to do care for Eli day. It's good im getting there. I'm much more gentle with myself these days and kind to myself and itnmakes it easier to care for someone who is kind to you even when you slip up and your house gets messy.
Anyway I did sew puppet teeth so that was nice.
And I hung a white board.
And I met the Bluegrass band I'm hiring and I Rested SO MUCH and played minecraft with famelily. So I had a good weekend while also cleaning and caring for my self.
I grew up in an extremely messy house which eventually because close to what one would consider a hoarder home as mom had like this home shopping addiction and no addiction to getting rid of things or cleaning(she tried). We had a big house with 2 messy teenagers and an influx of junk so the house was hard to keep up with when she had a business she was at 10 to 12 hours a day and exhaustion when she was home. My mom had a hard life. This has nothing really to do with her. Just that when you grow up in that space it's really hard to see mess. It's hard to see when things are getting bad until they are overwhelming. I've spent my life fighting the influx of junk because I love buying things that got passed down.
But! I found this YouTube channel that uploads decluttering videos every Sunday of "hoarder" homes. People who love things and bring them in their home and have a hard time of getting rid of things. I love it. Because it's so inspiring to go through my house and say hey is this something I need to keep? I slistened to the joy lady book too I liked that one. I'm never going to be minimalism lifestyle but I need to fight the hoarder in me.
Anyway I love my new routine on Sundays it's so inspiring it makes me want to get up and clean on my clean day :3
My old fitness progress pics on here were about strength training, mostly body strength push-ups and what have -- you but let's be real for a moment. Now it's still about muscle building but honestly for the first time in my life it's about trying to lose weight in a healthy way.
Background: One of the BIGGEST contributors to the stability in my mental health is the fact that I began eating 3 meals a day for the first time in my life this year as a 30/31 year old. And snacking in between. Also, now any time I don't feel well emotionally my instinct is to think back on the last time I ate. Usually any anger and confusion or struggle or negative self think is due to lack of calories. I used to crash out regularly from what was honestly calorie starvation until I lived with a man who began tracking his calories and realized how little I ate. We would celebrate when I broke 1000. I didn't even know. I knew I had a hard time eating during high stress and i was stressed almost that whole relationship. I remember crying on the floor trying to eat broccoli during grad school. When you grow up eating so little you don't know what a body needs to survive on. Your body also learns that high stress happens when little food happens and your body prepares you for it. I wasn't able to eat when stressed which was all the time. The work he and I did together, especially with breakfast, he would bring me a Boost Plus in the morning to load up on calories and he would make it fun and silly and low stress. That was a good thing about him. It helped tremendously to have someone point out when something was abnormal to me and make eating a safe and good space and someone emphasizing how important it was to me directly contradicted the diet culture I grew up with.
Anyway cut to after our break up I got my own apartment and my own kitchen and began cooking for the first time. Really cooking, trying recipes, mostly putting stuff in the rice cooker. But now I was having dinner regularly not just chips and dip or a handful of something.
I gained weight really quickly. In the relationship I gained ~20 pounds and went from 120 to 138, then out of the relationship I kept gaining from 140 to 165. I used to think my base was 120 because that's what I was in my late teens. Now I'd like to be back down to 140 if possible. I have such a conflict of thought when I look at my larger body, I hear my mons voice, my step dad's voice when he'd speak about how repulsive she was. I also hear my therapists voice saying look how hard you worked to be at this point. And my exes voice saying how proud he is I'm still eating.
During high stress times I have no problem eating, and it hasn't flipped the other way either its still 3 meals a day. If I have a performance that I'm nervous about, I practiced really hard for months eating what I could because it helped so tremendously with the nerves. Now I have a full dinner before performing.
I'm really proud of myself and I'm happy I have a tummy because it means my emotions are more stable and I'm kinder to the people around me. But I'd like to be healthier. I was eating a lot of McDonald's and fast food when I was gaining weight because it was convenient with the car and I was lazy with breakfast. So I don't think I have an eating problem, I think I had a fast food problem. The food I eat at home is mostly good, grains oats, veggies, lentils. I might have more processed foods for lunch because it's easy.
Now I don't have a car. I expected the weight to fall off me. I'm biking an hour a day, I'm no longer buying fast food, I'm packing a lunch every day getting really consistent calories, I was sure it would melt away. But I've been confused because my weekly weigh ins have been so stable if not going up, 165 to 163 to 161 to 163 to 163. A month in I really thought id break into the 50s by now. But I know my muscles are getting stronger. I'm able to go higher gears on the bike, bike for longer without walking, go uphill with less issue. So im wondering how much is muscle and how much is fat.
So I took a picture when I saw myself in the camera a month a go looking somewhat rotund, but natural, omfortable. I was dying my hair. And then I a picture today. Despite the scale I think it's different. I think my body has more shape and definition, i think the fat is a little less. I think i look stronger and healthier. I'm really proud of myself.
I have a gym membership that I stopped going to for a bit but I'm gonna start up again in October. Start building up the rest of my muscles, arms and core. This will be the first time my progress pics weren't underscored by the starvation of the rest of my body.
Just the fact that I was intentionally trying to slouch and relax my stomach in the second picture but still have a pretty straight spine and smaller stomach tells me my core muscles are already stronger. Tells me the scale isn't everything. Do I feel stronger? Do I have an easier time getting around? Am I tired walking to my desk? Progress isn't a number! It's a feeling. I feel really good.
contrary to popular belief i think calvin's adhd is, funnily enough, medicated. he takes extended release ritalin every morning alongside his chocolate frosted sugar bombs. this is because he appreciates being more easily able to focus on his various Schemes, Projects, and Machinations while more effectively ignoring schoolwork
calvin's dad pulling up to the house and seeing the whole driveway covered in a (completed) snowman recreation of the entire terracotta army and he takes a deep breath and greets calvin's mom with "i see calvin remembered his methylphenidate today"
evangelicals being like "god made men to do This and be like This and women to do That and be like That that's just how it is" and it's just a picture of a white man and woman following traditional gender norms makes me so insane like you boring fascist fucks. god made 2 million species of beetles. god made whales, ducks, humans, and 1500 other species capable of same sex behavior. god made fish and amphibians that change sexes. god made more than 30 different intersex variations in human beings. god, in his infinite curiosity. wake up!!! fuck!!
"god wants women to have perfect no-makeup makeup looks and stay at home not talking back and upholding capitalism" god??? that guy who made lizards that shoot blood out of their eyes?? that guy who made salmon do whatever the fuck that is?? are you fucking crazy???
Well. I'm bummed because I was starting to meet people and gain some interest in what I'm doing but I'm having to leave the platforms I had most success on. I'm fine with that. I'm sad about facebook just for the memories. It's like my whole highschool life. I'm gonna go download all my pictures from it, my data, and then delete my profiles. but damn. I feel adrift again. I'm happy yt is still fine but I'm losing connections with friends and family and don't really know how to keep in contact with them. I just feel like the no ethical consumption under captialism has touched my connection to my community and I'm sad about it. I guess I grew up more connected than my generation before me and I took it for granted.
Chappelle Roan told me to run and sing to get ready for stage performing so I just did it for a whole hour and honestly I should do this for an hour of cardio a day.
Tomorrow night is Ernest Lover's debut and I'm trying So hard to not be embarrassed of the person I am behind closed doors.
She literally has inspired me so much. I'm so glad to watch her success.
I've had a break through this week in regards to my love of performing but my fear of rejection and failure. I'm going to start doing drag to perform my songs at open mics. I'll get to choreo, I'll get to do comedy, I'll get to sing, I'll get to dress up and play with gender and I'll get to hide my fears behind a more confident character. Most importantly I'll get to perform my songs how I want them to be heard. All the parts all the harmonies. No just me sitting nervously with a guitar. I'd like to keep practicing playing and singing at the same time but like in the mean time I'm gonna practice turning up my performance energy and being myself without fear.
Started new mood stabilizing medication because I was rapid cycling the last two weeks and stuck in a mixed state this weekend that led me to urgently call my psych. On it for two days and already the never-ending dark and cloudy thoughts went away, I feel calmer. Doing homework stopped being a battle of constantly hearing you are worthless for not knowing this and I felt actually capable again and remembered knowing these subjects isn't the baseline and im here to learn. I literally had something that got louder and louder and I didn't even notice because the change was so gradual that taking this medicine was like putting glasses on for the first time and realizing how blind you were before.
My psych told me to be gentle with myself because it is so so hard to do grad school healthy and well let alone battling a mental illness and having learning disorders. Its hard to remember sometimes that im in this fight because it sneaks up on you and makes you think this is just your normal.
Old Blog New Me @fergalamorous - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
romaincrisis
vaporwave
jacobvanloon
turnnoffyourmind
germansingergirl
kaledo-art
