Alien Existence by Philip Best (Infinity Land Press, 2016)
I sing of war, of holy war.
Torquato Tasso Gerusalemme liberata, 1581.
The state is to get hold of those who never had —
or no longer have —
a right to live in the state,
and the state must turn their strength while it lasts
to the good of the state.
They must be fed, sheltered, and treated in such a way
as to use them as much as possible
at the lowest possible cost.
Charles Reznikoff Holocaust. Black Sparrow Press, 1975.
We must accept the eventuality of bringing the USA to its knees; accept the closing off of critical sections of the city with barbed wire, armored pig carriers crisscrossing the streets, soldiers everywhere, tommy guns pointed at stomach level, smoke curling black against the daylight sky, the smell of cordite, house-to-house searches, doors being kicked in, the commonness of death.
George L. Jackson Blood In My Eye. Random House, 1972.
“Do you hear that blubberer?” said Korablyova, drawing Maslova’s attention to the strange sound coming from the other end of the room. It was the smothered sobbing of the red-haired woman. She was crying because they had called her names and hit her, and not given her any of the vodka she wanted so badly. She was crying too because all her life she had had nothing but abuse, jeers, insults and blows.
She tried to console herself by thinking of her first sweetheart, a factory hand whose name was Fedka Molodenkov, but when she thought of this first love of hers she also remembered how it had ended. It had ended one day when this Molodenkov was drunk and for a joke had dabbed vitriol on the most sensitive spot of her body and then roared with laughter with his mates while she writhed in agony. She remembered this and felt so full of pity for herself that, thinking no one could hear her, she burst into tears and wept as children do, moaning and snuffling and swallowing the salt tears.
Leo Tolstoy Resurrection (1899).
woe to the bloody city full of lies and robbery
today i hear the beat of death in all things
i hear it in the streets and in the parks
you will all die
you will all die
you will all die
from mayfair and westminster
to camberwell and peckham rye
riverwheel aflame london capsized
and at night father when i pray
you are not there
you are not there
you are not there
all hail to the creatures and the sluts and the poor
in guarded isles of midday devils all prancing to war
money may fall
and towers may fall
and bodies will fall
but they’ll still want it all and they’ll still take it all
politicians profiteers all poison the well
ride their rough horses headlong pell mell
over layer upon layer of metropolitan sick
it’s a trick
it’s a trick
it’s a trick
so, woe to the bloody city
that covets fresh fields and flesh within the cauldron
this time is evil
woe to the bloody stage
and final blank page of the failed state
that hoards its wealth and arms itself
against the stranded and lost
at whatever the cost
whatever the cost
whatever the cost
o gods, break their teeth
o gods
break their teeth
i mean it’s the attitude that counts
as well as everything else it takes
you with me?
i mean we should never compromise
we won’t get anywhere in life
accepting second best
you get it yet?
if you don’t taste it
if you don’t feel it, baby
we haven’t come a very long way
have we?
so what exactly is it?
this grand unified theory
of female pain and wet cement
could it be the face that would sell condoms in a cunt?
or better yet
i had a lover once
some men came by
shot up the house she lived in
tore up the place
broke every fucking window
burned her out
she couldn’t tell me why
i hate men and their violence
their weak murderous minds
1) Undeveloped rolls of film.
2) Two last shots.
3) Leg fracture.
4) More film, recovered then processed.
5) Betamax.
6) FC = Fuck.
7) Some in colour, good quality.
8) Punishment beating.
9) Deep black bruising.
10) Witness stated “His body was normal”.
11) Expressed preference that girl should be “flat”.
12) Wanted to see her stumble and fall.
13) “Bring her down”
14) Failed to pay attention and the lights touched her naked body.
15) Found burns exciting.
16) Had Houston amputation film (HWA).
17) Traced trauma to childhood accident.
18) Tension barely perceptible.
Julie was curling a young girl’s hair when I came in. She was styling it to be just like her own: wavy all round the sides and flat at the crown. But the girl’s hair was shorter and brown in colour; Julie’s was pure blonde.
They were grouped around the mirror. Julie smiled over. He was a mechanic, but he’d always wanted to try his hand at writing. He was telling me this, and fixing coffee, as the girls continued to do their thing at the mirror.
There were pictures of dolphins and killer whales on the walls.
VOICE-OVER: I’d been having a recurring nightmare. I’m three years old dancing on my mother’s grand piano. I’m wearing her gold spiked heels. The grownups are clapping, stomping in rhythm. My ankles twist in the big shoes. I want to stop dancing but they cheer even louder.
IMAGE: PRESCHOOLER IN UNDERSHIRT AND UNDERPANTS, DANCING FOR THE CAMERA
VOICE-OVER: I don’t know what they want from me.
The shell landed near a food queue and several children died. A burning bus with a scattering of limbs and blackened body parts. Later in the day the queue formed again and the government forces fired again.
I am so fucking up to my neck in debt & so badly need to do well. This is not a bad thing to do with JJ & I’m really happy for him. JJ gets everyone falling over themselves — I get fake numbers & stood up.
Johnny’s so well into it — making heaps of friends & as usual no matter where I am — I feel alone.
It’s not San Francisco, it’s me.
I can’t explain this feeling to anyone, this feeling of COMPLETE DETEST for myself
& this feeling of being so average. I’ve tried so badly to understand why & to make mother & JJ understand — but they think I’m being so silly — but I really feel like this so much.
It’s a feeling of being so invisible, being no-one, feeling like I’m never a part of something & never quite fitting in.
I know Johnny has been all over the place since leaving, but he never has that feeling of no self worth. The most beautiful people become spellbound. He always feels he deserves the best & BECOMING MORE RADIANT and confident all the time.
I really am not joking & this sounds stupid but I am so exhausted with feeling this shit & feeling so lonely despite being with JJ every day & feeling so low & so up to my eyeballs with debt — I sometimes really can’t be bothered to wait & find out what happens.
I just want to disappear.
I feel like I’m reeling & I don’t know what to do.
I feel so outside.
I’ve nothing anywhere.
germansingergirl
janainaart
romaincrisis
ellievsbear
stormborns
2087
snowghoul
