I miss you. Maybe if things went differently on January 7th i wouldn’t constantly feel this hole in my heart that can never be filled. I look for you in everyone and compare them to you. This sadness has only ever grown, not once have i been able to speak your name or mention how i fell apart before we even got in the car. How i wanted to scream out as it happened but i had to make sure you knew i loved you and that you weren’t alone. I haven’t talked about how i desperately wanted to just crumble to the floor and scream out. Never spoke about the way i cried at your grave, needing to scream out from the sheer pain but couldn’t breathe in, even getting dizzy. I haven’t visited your grave since in fear I’ll lose myself in grief again, causing another seizure and have to be resuscitated again. But i tell gray about you often and make sure he doesn’t forget you, how you protected him and stayed by his side, eventually helping him to walk. I wish mom didn’t find me that night, I know they’d be sad but atleast id be with you and wouldn’t be this way now. I wouldn’t stop myself at the last second every night. You used to be my reason and now he is. Hes old enough to remember and understand and sometimes its hard to believe he needs me. Anyway, if someday soon i join you just know I kept my promise to you that day.