FGE

31 | Pan Married to my best friend ♡ Cat, Reptile & Spider Mama.

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Hello young man 💕

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just literally want to thanos snap myself from existence today

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This is my daughter - she is the best best baby

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This is Gigi (left) and Spyro (right) my female & male Jumping Spiders 🥹

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BABIE SPOTTED

HI FRENDS <3333333333

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i just be trying to take cute videos with him on my neck but if my hair is down its a wrap😭

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“I will never speak to you ever again” - is what my mum said to me last night.

It’s so hard to not be angry when you have a parent with significant mental health difficulties.

You feel like you lose so much but actually don’t lose a lot. You mourn the person they could have been but never were. You get angry that you’ll miss out on memories that you want but they can’t be a part of. You are jealous of others for having something you’ve never felt.

You lose the person you wanted, not the person they are but the loss still feels just as weighty.

The few people around her do genuinely worry about her but worrying doesn’t fix a person that won’t fix themselves and I think it’s gone too far now, to a point where people are starting to… not care, to not worry.

Anyway, this event is nothing new, she has done this before many times. I don’t wait longingly for her to return anymore, these little breaks are respite for me and I find myself caring less every time she acts out in this way.

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bean

my favourite time of day is getting into bed, I love when it's just me and J. It's quiet. We always make each other laugh before we go to sleep.

I love hearing him fall asleep, I love that he's mine, I love him with an intensity I had never experienced until I met him. I just love him so much.

He is my safe, he is my whole - he's my best friend and will be for the rest of my life.

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"No Father picks a few just to leave the rest"

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weird

i've been listening to a lot of music recently by an artist who left the christian religion and it's been bringing up a lot of very intense and weird feelings for me, memories that i had long forgotten

2 memories that i've tried to tackle this week:

There was a kid's event where we dressed up as super heroes; the adults were not in fancy dress. The pastor said to another parent that it was 'like marvel after dark' - they both laughed.

I was wearing flat ballet shoes and the same pastor said he liked my 'FMP's' - which i learnt was short for 'Fuck Me Pumps' (a term i'd never heard before). Apparently it meant that I was 'up for it' - this was said in front of another adult, they both found it entertaining.

It's so hard to process things you'll never have closure for; I don't have evidence of either... the pastor no longer works within that church, so at least he's away from there.

It all makes me so sad for me as a child; i was desperately alone - i couldn't fit in socially anywhere and had problems at home. I thought i'd find that community within the church but amongst the numerous safe guarding issues it turned out to be one of the most unsafe, triggering and judgemental spaces i was ever in.

I'm not very good at putting things in boxes and moving on and sometimes the only way to deal with situations like this is just to accept it happened but i wish i could scream at those adults who were meant to provide a safe space for me.

I want to tackle this trauma one horrible memory at a time because religion makes me cringe; it makes me feel sick and sad. Religion of any kind really but especially christianity.

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taking the piss

During the last 6 months I’ve made a few changes in my life; the biggest change is that I’ve decided to come off of Prozac, which i have been on and off (mostly on) since I was 18.

I had hoped that stopping them would make my emotions magically return in a big way but they haven’t really - having said that, I feel like I’m being more myself.

It has definitely brought more good than bad though.

One huge clarifying point for me is how many people expect the world from me but don't provide the same in return.

No-one is obligated to make time for me, it just helped me to realise that I don't have healthy attitudes towards what I give to people and I probably expect too much in return.

But i've found by doing less for others, I feel more respect for myself and I feel less annoyance in general. I feel more connected to my good friends, I feel less focussed on the negative aspects of my mental health and I feel more present in my family.

It's a weird concept to a people pleaser but I'm welcoming it.