Jack Abbot x NightShift!Reader, misunderstandings, Samira Mohan is my favorite lady around, Mohan x Abbot(?), MISCOMMUNICATION TROPE ALL DAY!!!! Oblivious reader, reader is a dumbass trope - not really
Summary: You cannot read social cues to save your life. Unfortunately, Jack Abbot can, and it’s driving him insane.
SORRY Not proof read at all, my bad.
You and Samira Mohan were friends.
Not work friends. Not proximity friends. Real, actual friends – the kind forged on shift handoffs, your night shift to her day shift. Bad coffee. Shared silence. Text me when you get home, kind of friends.
Which is why it sucked so much that a certain attending liked her more.
Because you couldn’t even blame him.
Samira was incredible. Unstoppable. Undeniable. She worked harder than anyone, carried too much, deserved a break. Deserved to get laid. Deserved someone steady and sharp and kind enough to see all of her.
Deserved someone like Jack Abbot.
You were… you.
Good. Solid. Dependable. You earned your place quietly and honestly – came early, stayed late, never complained, never overreached.
You knew when to lead and when to defer.
Hopeful, not green. That was something you and Samira shared. Eagerness.
But eagerness wasn’t magnetic.
Jack Abbot was.
Oh, you noticed it.
You noticed everything.
The way Jack leaned just a little closer to Samira while she scrubbed in. How his voice softened when he asked her questions he already knew the answers to. The way his laugh came easier around her, like the weight he carried through the ER finally let him set it down.
And God, how could it not?
Samira moved like she belonged everywhere at once, like the hospital itself had learned her rhythm. Attendings tripped over themselves trying to keep up with her train of thought.
Jack never tripped. He matched her stride.
So you swallowed it. Choked it down. Told yourself he didn’t even see you like that, so why get upset at all?
You smiled when you caught them talking after hours. You joked about it with Samira like it didn’t lodge itself under your ribs every time Jack’s eyes followed her across the room.
You told yourself you were happy for her.
And you were, mostly.
It was just… sometimes Jack looked at you, too.
Asked for your input during a code. Backed you up when a consult pushed back. Remembered how you took your coffee without asking.
Those moments were the worst.
Because they felt like something.
The misunderstanding came quietly.
You walked into the locker room late one night, exhaustion clinging to you, and heard Samira’s voice through the half-open door. You were about to announce yourself when–
“…I don’t know, Jack,” she said. “I don’t want to mess things up between us.”
You froze.
Jack’s voice followed, low and earnest. “It's not wrong to want more.” and you swore you heard emphasis on that word:
More.
Your chest tightened. You didn’t hear the rest. You couldn’t. You backed out silently before they could see you, heart pounding like you’d just run a code.
That was it, then.
So you pulled back. Not dramatically. Not angrily. Just enough.
You deferred more. Kept things light. Left the bar early – or stopped going altogether. You stopped lingering in Jack’s orbit.
Stopped hoping for something you’d clearly misunderstood.
You told yourself you were being professional.
But you were also colder than usual.
Jack noticed.
He cornered you during a rare lull at the nurses’ station, charts half-done, fluorescent lights buzzing.
“You okay?” he asked.
You smiled automatically. “Yeah. Just tired.”
“Bullshit,” he said, brows knitting – not angry. Worried.
You shrugged. “One of those weeks.”
He studied you like a problem he couldn’t solve. “Did I do something?”
Your heart raced, but you kept your voice even. “No, Dr. Abbot. Of course not.”
The title made his jaw tighten.
But he didn’t push. That was his way.
Which somehow made it worse.
Everything cracked open during a late-night trauma – alarms blaring, blood everywhere, adrenaline singing. You moved on instinct, seamless, in tune with him like you always were. When it was over – when the patient stabilized and the room exhaled – you smiled brightly.
And then you caught Jack watching you.
Not professionally.
Not distantly.
Something in your face must have slipped, because his expression shifted immediately.
Afterward, he stopped you in the hallway.
“Hey,” he said. “We need to talk.”
“Now?” you asked.
“Now.”
He didn’t take you to an office.
He took you to the supply closet.
The one where everyone makes out– Your brain says before you can stop it.
But you had learned hope was a dangerous thing for a woman like you..
The door shut behind you with a soft, definitive click.
Jack dragged a hand through his hair and exhaled hard.
“I don’t know what I did,” he said, voice low and wrecked, “but it’s fucking killing me. You’re fuckin’ killing me. What did I do wrong?”
“You didn’t,” you said quietly. “I just… wanted to give you and Samira space.”
He blinked. “Mohan?”
The disbelief was immediate – and sharp.
“Yes,” you said, suddenly unsure of everything. “I heard you two talking and I thought—”
“Wait–,” he interrupted softly. “So you started disappearing because–”
“I didn’t want to be in the way,” you finish, and move to angle yourself toward the door... out of here. Anywhere else other than under his intense gaze.
Suddenly the supply closet is too small.
Too narrow, too close, shelves stacked high with gauze and saline and things that smell faintly like antiseptic and latex. Jack doesn’t move toward you right away, and somehow that’s worse. He stands there, chest rising and falling like he’s been holding his breath for weeks.
Oh my God, he's angry. You think, mortified beyond words.
“Say it again,” he says quietly.
You had never felt so small.
You blink away tears. “Say what?”
“Why you pulled away.” He grits, and you swear he's shaking now.
You swallow. “I didn’t want to make things awkward. Or unprofessional. Or–” You gesture vaguely. “Be in the way.”
Something in Jack breaks.
He closes the distance in two steps, not rough but decisive, palms bracketing your hips like he’s anchoring you in place. Not trapping – never that – but making it impossible to pretend there’s any space left between you.
“In the way,” he repeats, disbelieving. “You think you were in the way?”
You nod, because this is the thing you’re good at: assuming you misread everything.
Jack exhales sharply and leans in until his forehead rests against yours. You're so confused, you let a tear slip.
You can feel the heat of him, the tension humming just under his skin.
“I have been walking around this hospital,” he says, voice low and wrecked, “trying not to do exactly this.”
Your breath catches. “Do what?”
His grip tightens – just a fraction. “Touch you. Be here, with you, always.”
That’s all it takes.
He kisses you like he’s done pretending. It’s messy and desperate and God it’s real, mouths colliding instead of aligning perfectly, like he needs to feel you now or he might lose his mind. You gasp, fingers instinctively grabbing at his scrub top, and Jack makes a sound – low adn rough – that goes straight to your spine.
One of his hands slides up your back, flattening you gently against the metal shelving. Gauze boxes rattle. Something clatters to the floor. Neither of you even flinches.
“Jesus,” he mutters against your mouth. “Do you have any idea how many times I’ve replayed this?”
You pull back just enough to breathe. “You– what?”
His eyes are dark. Focused. Gone.
“Every time you walk past me like I don’t matter to you,” he says. “Every time you left this week. Every time you look at me like you’re bracing for disappointment.”
He kisses you again, slower this time, deeper. Controlled heat layered over urgency. His hand settles at your waist, thumb brushing bare skin where your scrubs gape just slightly.
“You don’t get to decide for me,” he murmurs. “You don’t get to choose yourself last.”
Your heart is pounding so hard you swear he can feel it.
“I just–” you admit, breathless, “I thought you wanted her.”
Jack pulls back just enough to look at you, his expression fierce and unmistakably certain.
“I wanted you,” he says. “I just didn’t know how to convince you I wasn’t imagining it.”
His mouth drops to your jaw, then your neck, not rushing but not gentle either – like he’s making up for lost time. Your fingers slide into his hair before you even realize what you’re doing, and Jack groans softly, forehead pressing into your shoulder like that did something dangerous to his self-control.
“You’re not second,” he says against your skin. “You were never second. You just never realized you were already chosen.”
The door rattles faintly – someone passing by. Jack stills for half a second, breath hot against your neck.
Then he smiles. Wicked. Unapologetic.
“Tell me to stop,” he murmurs.
You don’t.
He kisses you again, slower now but no less intense, hands steady, certain. Like this is exactly where he’s supposed to be.
And later, when your scrubs are wrinkled, and your pulse is still racing, and Jack’s thumb is brushing lazy circles at your hip, he presses his forehead to yours and exhales.
“Yeah,” he says quietly. “I’m done pretending.”
You smile, dazed. “Good.”
Outside the closet, the ER hums on like nothing happened.
summary: Jack's a good attending. He's nice to you. Polite. But he doesn't treat you like he does the others. He doesn't send you smiles. He never laughs with you, and he never seeks out your company. It hurts enough that you've decided to leave and take an attending position elsewhere.
tags: hurt/comfort, angst, coworkers to lovers, fluff, pining
word count: 3.4k
a/n: this was supposed to just be a short little thing, but oh well, here we are. hope you enjoy! As always, feedback is greatly appreciated! (I've also decided not to have a tag list for the pitt in general, you can turn on notifications for my blog instead <33)
The Pitt | Masterlist
Main | Masterlist
It's not that you think Jack dislikes you. If anything, that would be easier to deal with. Dislike has edges—sharpness and intention—something you can point to and name.
This is different. It's quieter than that. This is the sense that Jack simply doesn't care, at least not in any way that reaches beyond professional obligation.
On paper, he's everything he's supposed to be. A good attending and a good teacher. He doesn't blatantly ignore your questions—he’s never cruel or dismissive. When you speak, he listens, and he adjusts treatments when you suggest them. He also isn’t shy to tell you when you've done a good job.
But in practice, there's distance. A careful politeness between you. He engages only when he must, and never more than necessary. He doesn't joke with you the way he does with the others. Where his praise to other residents might go into detail or be accompanied by a smile, his praise to you is vague and efficient—he barely even smiles at you. The thing that, somehow, hurts the most is the fact that he never does his staring thing with you, the one that everyone else jokes about.
You tell yourself not to let it get to you. You try to accept that this is just how it is—that not everyone clicks and that not every connection is meant to happen. Some people just pass through your life and remain professional acquaintances, and nothing more. You tell yourself those are simply the cards that you've been dealt with Jack.
But it still sucks. More than you want to admit.
Because he's the one that you gravitated towards when you started your residency at the Pitt. The one whose instincts you trusted without hesitation. The one you thought, somehow, you'd click with.
Watching him bond so easily with Ellis—who's been there just as long as you—hurts in a way that still catches you off guard even now, with only months left until you're an attending. It's sharp and unexpected, a small grief you don't know what to do with.
And when new people arrive, it's even worse. You watch him warm up to them easily, watch how his walls come down for strangers while they stay firmly in place with you. Because even after years of knowing each other, he remains cold and detached around you.
You can't figure out what you did wrong. You've replayed conversations, moments, and expressions. Searching for a misstep. For anything. But there's nothing. Nothing he's done suggests you've failed in some obvious way. He speaks to you. He listens. He treats you fairly.
He just never seeks you out. Never sits next to you unless there's no other choice. Never chooses you first.
And somehow, that hurts more than outright rejection ever could.
"So, how about you? Any news? Please tell me you're staying?” Lena asks, shifting her attention from Ellis to you. She tilts her head slightly, glasses sliding down her nose to look at you directly.
You lean against the counter at the hub, letting your shoulders drop for a moment. Just a small breath before the ever-demanding Pitt craves your attention again.
"Not sure yet," you say, shrugging slightly. “I’m leaning toward Chicago—or maybe Boston. I've heard good things about them.”
"Nooo," Lena groans, dragging out the sound as genuine disappointment fills the air. "How will I survive if you're both leaving?"
"Guess you'll have to make do with Abbot and Shen," Ellis quips, half-listening while she charts.
"Ugh," Lena grimaces with a teasing smile.
You chuckle, a soft but unconvincing sound, at least in your ears. "Well, if you play nice, I might change my mind," you say, offering her a small smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes.
It's not that you don't want to stay—in fact, you'd love to stay. You've even been offered an attending position here, a stability you've been craving after years of residency, because it would mean you wouldn't have to move again or find new friends. But part of you knows it might be better in the long term to go somewhere else.
Anywhere else but here.
Because here... Here, it hurts. Being around Jack while he's warm with everyone else, watching him bond with new people, while you remain just another face in the crowd, is a constant, sharp ache you can't quite mask.
You glance across the hub, where Jack is talking quietly with Ellis now. His hands gesture softly as he explains something—he's fully present, fully engaged in what Ellis is saying—and you can't help the bitter sting of knowing he would never look at you like that. He would never seek you out to share a funny story or save that half-smile for you alone.
Mid-talk, his eyes flicker toward you like he can feel the burning heat of your gaze, but he looks away just as fast.
Lena notices the shadow crossing your features. "Hey," she says softly, tapping your arm with a gentle hand. "You okay?"
You force your face back into neutral, nodding at her. "Yeah, just thinking about a patient," you murmur.
You'd never tell her the truth—that an overwhelming part of you is aching to stay so that you can be near someone who doesn't notice you the way you see him. That part of you wants a front-row seat to Jack opening up to everyone else but you. You're masochistic in that sense.
Lena frowns, clearly unconvinced, but she doesn't press any further, thankfully. "Well," she says, letting her tone brighten. "I'm going to hold out hope. We need you here. You make this place less terrible."
You manage to send her a small but genuine smile. "I'll think about it," you say.
But even as the words leave your mouth, you know part of you is already planning your exit. Not because you don't love this place, not because you don't like your team, but because staying means living with that quiet, gnawing longing. And maybe, you're not that into self-inflicted pain after all.
A fresh start somewhere new might hurt less in the long run. It might let you breathe without feeling like every laugh, every joke, every casual glance Jack gives to someone else is a reminder of what you can't have.
You take one last look at the hub, at the familiar chaos, at Jack leaning against the counter laughing with Ellis, and swallow the ache back down. You heave a soft sigh as you straighten up again and reenter the Pitt.
It's nearly seven in the morning, just the soft murmur of patients, the low hum of the fluorescent lights and a distant clatter of carts filling the otherwise semi-quiet ER.
You're sitting at the computer finishing the last of your charts, more than ready to go home and sleep for several hours. You're typing as fast as you can when a shadow falls across the keyboard.
"You're leaving?" Jack's voice is calm and measured, but there's a subtle weight to it that you've never heard before. He's standing behind you now, one hand resting lightly on the edge of the desk as he logs onto a computer. He doesn't look at you directly.
You glance up, trying to keep your tone neutral. "Yeah, m'just about finished."
"No, I mean... the Pitt?" he finally shifts his gaze, just barely meeting yours. It's only for a fraction of a second, but it's enough to make your chest tighten. That tiny tilt of his head, the slight pause in his rhythm—it feels like it should matter. Like he's going to say something more.
You blink, caught off guard. "Oh.. Uh, yeah, maybe. I'm not sure yet," you murmur.
He nods slowly, almost imperceptibly. Then he turns back to the keyboard, typing again. Sharp, precise keystrokes. His jaw clenches once, just once, but he doesn't speak again. Doesn't reach across the space between you. Doesn't ask you to stay.
That small flicker of hope in your chest sparks out again. The small hope that he'd maybe say, 'Don't go. Stay here'. The hope that maybe this quiet and distant man has noticed more than he lets on. But the hope fades as quickly as it appeared, extinguished by the steady thrum of his typing and the efficiency of his nod.
You force yourself to breathe evenly, to turn back to your screen, but your hands pause over the keyboard. The room feels heavier now, charged with unspoken dreams and hopes. Jack's just being polite. Professional. Exactly like he's always been. And yet, for the briefest, cruellest second, it felt like he could have changed your mind, like he could have made you stay, if he had just asked.
But he didn't.
So you return your fingers to the keyboard, continue typing as the decision solidifies in your chest. Chicago. Boston. Anywhere but here.
Anywhere where he isn't.
The week passes like it always does. Or at least, it kind of does. It's the same patients, the same fluorescent-lit hallways, the same stale coffee in the breakroom. And yet, something feels... off. Not wrong, but just different enough to keep you slightly on edge, like crackling air before a storm.
Maybe it's hope colouring your perception, but it feels like Jack is noticing you more. It starts small. Subtle things you could easily explain away if you wanted to. He pauses when you enter a room, just a sliver longer than necessary, as if recalibrating. He asks for your opinion more than he ever has during examinations, and digs deeper than he ever used to. When you speak, he listens diligently. Not the professional attention he used to give you, but something more focused—more intentional.
He also seeks you out in the halls now. Not obviously, but just enough that you start to see a pattern. Enough that you've started to notice how his gait slows to keep up with yours, and his arm brushes past yours more than it ever has in the years you've been here. A casual alignment of schedules that somehow places him beside you more often than not, with an almost excessive amount of check-ins when you're with a patient that feel unnecessary, especially because he never disagrees with you.
His praise is also different. It's not the usual generic approval you've become accustomed to. It's specific and thoughtful. He references things you said weeks ago, brings up details of patients you've treated months back, things you didn't realise he'd ever noticed.
He also meets your eyes now. Doesn't let it flicker away like usual, but lets it linger. As if he's hoping you'll see something in his eyes that he isn’t saying out loud. You’re almost happy he hasn’t done this the entire time you’ve been here because each time your breath catches before you can stop it, a flush creeping up your neck. Hiding a crush when you have such a visceral reaction to him would not have lasted long in this place.
You replay all these moments later at home, dissecting every word and action, trying to decide if they mean what you hope or if you're projecting meaning where there is none. Because is this real, or are you imagining it all because you've decided to leave?
You don't dare voice the thought or the silly hope that flickers back to life in your chest. Hopes and dreams this big, this sudden, are dangerous. They make you careless and make disappointment sharper when it eventually comes. And it will come. Because why would he suddenly be changing?
Just because he heard you might be leaving?
The idea feels ridiculous the moment it forms. An impossible wish. That's not a reason for him to change his behaviour. He probably hasn't even spared it more than a passing thought. You're overthinking, reading significance into coincidence, and you should really stop letting hope get ahead of reality.
Still, the thought refuses to leave.
Lena's comments also echo in the back of your mind throughout the week, playful nudges and gentle prodding, hoping to sway your mind. "We need you here, you know," she says one evening, leaning against the counter. "Things wouldn't be the same without you around."
You grin and shrug, deflecting as always. "I'm still thinking about it."
And you mean it. Because part of you—an increasingly loud and reckless part—is considering staying more seriously than you ever expected. Not just for the work, not just for the familiarity or the team, but for the unanswered question that now follows you through every corridor and examination room.
You tell yourself it's foolish. That you can't make decisions based on glances and half-smiles and moments that might mean nothing at all. But when Jack looks up from his seat as you pass, his expression softening just slightly at the sight of you, you feel the weight of the choice rumbling in your chest.
And how leaving doesn't feel as inevitable anymore.
It's an early morning once again—yet another night shift finished. You're at the lockers, one of the last to leave due to a difficult patient, but now, you're finally catching a hold of your backpack, more than ready for your four days off. You're rummaging through it, trying to locate your lip balm, when a voice cuts through your thoughts.
"You should stay." Jack comes to a stop in front of you, one shoulder leaning against the lockers.
You frown at him. "What? Do you need me to work a double?"
"No. I... Here. You should stay here as an attending." His tone is firm, a pleading lilt to it that you’re definitely imagining, but his eyes are steady on yours.
You shrug, looking back at your backpack, fingers finally grabbing onto the small tube. "Eh... You'll be fine without me—maybe, you can convince Ellis to stay."
"I don't want Ellis to stay," he says bluntly, head tilting to try and catch your eye again.
You blink at the words, head snapping towards his without meaning to.
"I want you to stay," he adds, voice quieter now, but there's no mistaking the sincerity.
You can't hide the shock in your expression, eyebrows drawing up. "I… I don't understand. You don't like me."
There's a flicker of confusion on his face, as if he's struggling with how you've arrived at that conclusion. "I do."
You huff an incredulous laugh, pulling the straps of your backpack on and slipping the lip balm into your jacket pocket. "You don't have to lie to me. It's fine. I get it."
Jack stares at you. "I'm not lying."
Your locker snaps shut, and you shrug at him. "Honestly, it's fine. We don't have to talk about it. We're colleagues—you don't have to like me." You move to step around him, hoping you'll make it outside before he can see the tears that you can feel pressing behind your eyes.
But you barely make two steps before his hand grabs hold of your sleeve, forcing you to stop. You halt, facing the door, as his hand falls to his side again, like he hadn't meant to do that, just charged outwards to make you stay, instinct taking hold of him. He moves to stand in front of you again.
"I like you too much," he admits, his voice low and earnest. A confession you'd imagined so many times that it almost doesn't register as being real. Except you can hear how his breath quickens, see the vulnerability displayed in his eyes, and feel the distant heat of his body.
"What?" you whisper, barely daring to breathe.
"I thought it was best to keep my distance. Avoid playing favourites accidentally, and make you a target for unwarranted rumours. I wanted your abilities to shine on their own, not let them be coloured by how much I like you. You're a fantastic doctor. Brilliant. So funny. And—" he pauses, swallowing as if the next word is spiny, tiny needles spiking his throat and tongue as it leaves his mouth, "beautiful. It wouldn't have been fair to jeopardise your career just because I liked you. So I kept my distance. I'm sorry if it came out wrong."
Shock drenches you from head to toe, an icy coldness that freezes you to the ground. "You like me? Like… like-like me?" you whisper, your voice cracking slightly.
His mouth twitches with amusement at the phrasing, but his eyes stay serious. "Yes. But that's not why you should stay. The department needs you. We work better when you're here. I… I work better."
You don't think your brain works anymore. Just loose wiring firing off into empty space. Because this can’t be real.
"Think about it," he says, with a final lingering glance before he steps out again.
Uh huh. You'll think about it. You'll probably do nothing else but think about the next four days.
It's nearly midnight by the time the worst of the chaos is under control. You're sitting at the hub, sipping your barely lukewarm coffee, delivered by DoorDash earlier, after a mistaken belief that the chaos was over, only to have one sip before it was promptly left on the counter for longer than you'd hoped.
At least it's still somewhat hot. (It's really not, but you've spent money on it, so you're going to delude yourself.)
There's a soft shuffle of footsteps in the distance that eventually stops in front of you. You glance up to find Jack there, hands holding casually onto his stethoscope.
"Crazy night, huh," he says, voice low and hesitant. You've not had a chance to talk yet, both of you immediately pulled into the chaos when you arrived. And the brief respite you’d had was while he was still in trauma. But you've felt his eyes on you throughout it all, the rumour he's heard written all over his face but isn't sure he can truly count on, not until he's heard from your lips.
The rumour that you'd decided to stay.
Which you have, and somehow, it has already slipped out to the staff. Probably Lena’s doing, or Dana's. The two charge nurses stick their noses in everything that's going on in the Pitt (said with the most fondness). And with how much Lena's been begging, you wouldn't be surprised if it were her.
"Yeah, but at least my coffee isn't completely cold," you reply, lifting your cup slightly.
His eyes crinkle, a knowing smile tugging at his lips, all too aware of how coffee is mostly drunk cold in these parts. "Still better than that iced crap Shen keeps bringing in. I will never get why you would purposefully choose to drink it cold. Coffee's meant to be hot."
You huff a laugh at his complaining and take another sip. "This is from that new place around the corner. It's good. You should try it sometime."
He nods. There's a pause. You can feel it stretching around you until he clears his throat. "I... I heard you're staying."
You nod, a small smile playing on your lips. "Yeah. I—um, I thought about it and decided this is a good place for me."
He looks you deep in the eye. "Really?"
"Really," you confirm, setting the cup down.
Jack exhales, a small, relieved sound, finally relaxing now that he's heard it from the source itself. "Good. That's... really good."
There's another pause, the two of you staring at each other. But it's not awkward, just warm.
You stand up, dropping the cup into a bin, but just before you pass him, you lean in and whisper, using every last bit of bravado you have (hoping sincerely he hasn’t changed his mind). "I like you, too, by the way."
You see his brows lift, eyes widening just a fraction before a slow, real smile spreads across his face. Wider than you ever seen it aimed at you.
"Maybe we could grab a cup of coffee… and get to know each other? Maybe at that place you know?" he asks, voice careful, and almost shy.
"Yeah," you say, grinning just as wide. "I'd like that. After shift?"
"Yes," he says, the last remaining tension in his shoulders easing.
And for the first time in months, maybe years, you leave the hub with a lightness in your chest.
Synopsis: You tell yourself it’s just a crush. Just proximity. Just long nights in the ED and shared adrenaline. But when a workplace incident ends up with you being accidentally sedated, your filter is stripped away, the truth slips out—and the man you’ve wanted for months hears it all. You wake up embarrassed, determined to pretend it never happened, but he has other plans. In a department where gossip spreads fast, you’re forced to confront what’s been simmering between you two all along.
word count: 2.6k
Warnings: Medical inaccuracies, age gap, medical setting, mention of drugs (ketamine), kissing, implied sexual content, non-graphic intimacy
The shift had already been teetering on the edge of chaos when the ambulance bay doors slammed open. The stretcher came in fast, wheels rattling over the threshold, paramedics talking over each other as they pushed.
“Twenty-eight year old male, altered mental status, possible head trauma. Combative on route. No known history.”
Saying he was combative was generous.
The patient was drenched in sweat, muscles straining violently against the straps. His pupils were blown wide, unfocused, jaw clenched so tight the tendons strained in his neck. He thrashed the second you stepped close, nearly catching a you in the jaw. The trauma bay lights were brutal overhead, all sharp white glare and humming electricity, making the blood at his temple look darker than it probably was.
“Sir, we need you to hold still,” you said, keeping your voice steady, low, and nonthreatening. He responded by trying to tear himself off the stretcher entirely.
“That’s enough,” Dr. Abbot snapped, already gloving up, moving to grab ahold of the patients thrashing legs. “We’re sedating.”
Dr. Ellis moved in on the opposite side, bracing one forearm across the patient’s chest. “You got that arm,” she muttered, nodding toward the arm thrashing closest to you.
You didn’t hesitate. You grabbed the patient’s upper arm, fingers digging into trembling muscle. He was stronger than he looked—adrenaline fuelled and panicked—and he bucked hard enough to nearly throw you off balance. Abbot swore under his breath as the patient tried to twist free.
“Ketamine ready,” Dr. Whitaker called from your left. His voice had that tight edge to it—focused but nervous. The syringe was already drawn, clear liquid catching the light.
“On three,” Abbot said. “One... two—”
The patient jerked violently.
Your grip shifted just as Whitaker moved to inject the patient.
Before you realized, sharp pain exploded in your hand.
“Ow—what the fuck!”
It was sharp and immediate, a hot, blooming sting that made you recoil. You looked down in disbelief.
The needle was buried in your hand not the patients arm, the plunger already fully depressed.
For a split second, nobody moved.
Whitaker went sheet white. “Oh my God—I didn’t mean for that to happen! The angle changed right before and I-I’m so sorry.”
“Get another syringe!” Ellis barked, not even looking up as she continued wrestling the patient down. “We need to sedate the actual patient.”
A nurse was already moving, efficient and fast. The second injection went into the correct person this time, clean and precise. Within moments the patient’s movements slowed, then stopped entirely, his body going limp against the stretcher.
Meanwhile, the world had started to tilt.
The overhead lights felt wrong. They were too bright, too close. Your heartbeat thudded in your ears, but your limbs felt distant, like they belonged to someone else.
“Okay,” you said carefully, blinking hard. “Someone get a gurney.”
Your words came out thick and slightly slurred. The floor shifted under your feet like you were standing on a boat. You tried to steady yourself by grabbing the edge of the stretcher.
“And please someone break my fa—”
Your knees buckled.
And everything went black.
—————————
Waking up felt like dragging yourself through syrup. The fluorescent lights overhead were blinding, stabbing through your eyelids until you groaned and rolled your head away from them. Your mouth was dry and your thoughts were slow, floating lazily out of reach.
“Hello,” you mumbled, voice thick.
“Hey there, kid.”
You knew that voice immediately.
You blinked several times until the blur focused into Jack sitting beside the bed, elbows resting on his knees, watching you carefully.
“Jack,” you whispered, smiling dopily. “I’m so happy you’re here.”
He let out a soft breath, tension easing from his shoulders. “Yeah?”
You frowned slightly.
Something wasn’t adding up.
You glanced around—the monitor, the IV pole, the curtain pulled halfway around the bed.
“W-where am I?”
“At PTMC. You were working on a patient and Whitaker injected you with nearly five hundred milligrams of ketamine.”
You stared at him.
“Oh,” you said after a long pause. “That’s not good.”
“Nope.”
You shifted under the blanket and felt thin fabric against your skin. You looked down, and froze.
You were in a hospital gown.
“Why am I in this?” you questioned. “I’m a doctor. I should be saving lives.”
Jack’s lips twitched. “We’ll need a raincheck on that. We’re observing you until the medication wears off.”
You processed that slowly. “Did you put me in this?”
He leaned back slightly. “No. Lena did.”
You rolled your eyes dramatically. “Boo. I was hoping you did.” You squinted at him, expression soft and hazy. “You’re so hot.”
Jack blinked.
“…I’m sorry?”
“You’re really hot,” you repeated matter-of-factly, then dissolved into giggles.
Jack's eyebrows launch up.
You poked your own cheek experimentally. “My face feels like jello.”
Your fingers drifted upward and found the nasal cannula. You tugged at it lazily.
“Nope,” Jack said immediately, gently catching your wrist. “That stays in. Your O2 levels dipped earlier.”
You frowned at him like he’d personally betrayed you. Then your eyes dropped to the IV taped securely in your arm.
“Oh no, they forgot to take the needle out,” you whispered, horrified, reaching toward it.
“That has to stay in too.”
You huffed out in frustration, but then, for absolutely no reason, you started laughing again.
“What’s so funny?” Jack asked, a small smile making its way over his lips despite himself.
You looked at him very seriously, leaning slightly closer like you were about to share classified information.
“You smell like cologne and money.”
Jack blinks, shifting slightly in his chair. “Do I?”
You nod and hold his gaze, eyes heavy but locked on him. “Sometimes it makes me want to drag you into an on call room and lock the door.”
Silence.
Complete, stunned silence.
His jaw tightens. “That’s—”
“I’ve wanted to for months,” you add softly, like you’re commenting on the weather. “Its hard not, especially when you look like that.”
He just stares at you, visibly recalibrating, breath shallow now.
“You don’t mean that,” he manages. “You’re high out of your mind.”
You opened your mouth to continue, but before the words could leave your mouth, the door to the trauma room opened, revealing none other than Whitaker.
“Huckleberry!” you say with sudden excitement, your smile widening instantly.
Whitaker gulps nervously and closes the door behind him. “I—I just wanted to come and apologize to you, for, you know… injecting you.”
“It’s okay, white chocolate,” you reply generously. “I forgive you.”
Whitaker winces immediately. “I see you’ve been hanging out with Santos and Garcia.”
“Yeah, they’re funny ladies,” you giggle, completely unbothered. “If it makes you feel better, I think the nicknames are cute.”
A wave of exhaustion crashes over you mid laugh. You yawn, blinking slowly as your eyes begin to droop.
“We should let you rest,” Jack says, already beginning to stand.
“No,” you protest immediately, instinctively reaching out and grabbing his hand before he can step away. Your fingers curl weakly around his. “I want you to stay.”
Whitaker shifts awkwardly, mumbling something under his breath, clearly aware he’s interrupting something he does not understand but definitely does not want to be part of.
“I have some patients to see,” Jack says gently, voice softening as he looks down at you. “But I’ll come back in a little.”
“But I’m your patient,” you mumble stubbornly.
Before Jack can respond, your grip weakens. Your head tilts slightly to the side, mouth falling open as the medication pulls you under again, breath slow and heavy.
Jack stands there for a moment longer than necessary, still holding your hand.
Whitaker clears his throat quietly, slipping out of the room awkwardly.
Jack finally lets go, leaving to room.
—————————
You woke up again, this time slightly more coherent and felt less like you were floating.
“Good morning, sleepyhead.”
Jack’s voice pulls you fully out of dreamland. His thumb brushes lightly over the apple of your cheek, slow and uniform, like he’s been doing it without realizing. When your eyes focus on him, he pulls his hand back.
You blink up at him. The room isn’t spinning anymore, just a little foggy at the edges.
“…How long was I out?”
“A couple hours,” he says. “It’s almost shift change.”
You push yourself up carefully. “The patient?”
“Stable. All scans were clean. You can relax.”
You nod, then your brow furrows.
“I remember you were here,” you say slowly. “And Whitaker came in.”
“He did.”
You squint at him. “Did I say anything weird?”
Jack doesn’t miss a beat. “You were… chemically compromised.”
“That’s not an answer.”
A flicker of something crosses his face, but it’s gone just as quickly. “We’ll talk later.”
Your stomach tightens. “Jack.”
“Later,” he repeats calmly.
Before you can press him again, the door whips open.
“Well, look who's alive,” Santos announces, stepping inside like she owns the hospital. Garcia follows behind her with a coffee and a grin that immediately makes you nervous.
“Oh no,” you mutter.
“Oh yes,” Garcia says. “The nurses have been talking.”
You sink back against the pillows. “About what.”
Santos gasps dramatically. “About how you were calling Whitaker dessert items.”
“I did not—”
“You absolutely did,” Garcia cuts in. “Whitaker is currently furious that we’re spreading ‘white chocolate.’”
You clap a hand over your face. “I’m never coming back.”
Despite yourself, you laugh. “I don’t even remember saying that.”
Jack clears his throat quietly. You’d almost forgotten he was there. He’s standing now, composed, hands in his pant pockets.
“She needs rest,” he says evenly.
Santos raises an eyebrow. “We’re being gentle.”
Garcia’s gaze flicks between you and Jack, clearly noticing the tension. “We also heard something about cologne and money?”
You freeze. “What…?”
Jack looks entirely unfazed. “It’s time for shift change,” he says smoothly. “We’ll talk when you're fully sober.” His eyes meet yours briefly.
And then he’s gone.
The second he disappears down the hall, Santos leans in. “Okay. What else did you say?”
“I don’t know!” you whisper. “I don’t remember!”
Before they can dig any further, the door opens again.
“Alright,” Robby says, stepping in with a tablet in hand. “You’re clear to go home.”
Relief floods you.
“You two,” he looks at Santos and Garcia. “Out. Patients exist.”
They groan in unison but shuffle toward the exit.
“We’re not done with you,” Santos warns.
“White chocolate forever!” Garcia adds before disappearing into the hall.
"Garcia stop saying that!" Whitaker exclaims as he rounds the corner.
Robby shakes his head, amused, and starts disconnecting your leads. “Heard you had the trip of a lifetime.”
“I’m gathering that,” you mumble.
He peels the IV out of your arm. “Vitals are good, you just need food and sleep.”
You hesitate. “…Did I say anything to Jack?”
Robby pauses, then gives you a look. “Depends,” he says. “Do you want the nurse version or the attending-approved version?”
Your stomach drops. “The attending-approved version.”
He smirks slightly. “According to Jack, you told him he smells like cologne and money. Then you informed him you’d thought about what would happen if you both went into an on-call room.”
Your entire body goes rigid.
“I said that.”
“Mhm.”
You stare at the wall in horror. “Please tell me I stopped there.”
“I’m not sure,” he shrugs. “That’s all he told me.”
“Oh my God.” You drop your face into your hands. “I have to work with him tomorrow.”
Robby chuckles, handing you your discharge papers. “You’ll survive.”
“I’m never going to be able to look him in the eyes again.”
Unfortunately, this time you were completely conscious for the humiliation.
—————————
It's been 22 hours and 30 minutes since you embarrassed yourself in front of Jack.
And you've been avoiding him all night.
Every time Jack stepped into a trauma bay, you found a reason to step out. When he rounded the nurses’ station, you disappeared into a supply closet. The ED had been mercifully slow, which made it easy to slip through the cracks.
You almost thought you’d succeeded.
Almost.
You’re scanning a chart at the nurses’ station when you feel it—that awareness. The shift in the air.
“We need to talk.”
His voice is low as he leaned down to talk right in your ear.
Goosebumps ripple down your neck instantly.
Before you can even respond, his hand wraps around your forearm—firm and controlled—as he guides you across the ED. Not rough, but not gentle either.
“Jack—” you start.
He pushes open the break room door and ushers you inside. The door swings shut behind you.
You swear you hear the click of the lock.
Your heart stutters.
He turns to face you, jaw tight, eyes darker than you’ve ever seen them.
“Do you remember anything you said yesterday?”
You swallow. “No. Not really. Robby… kind of filled me in.”
And then it starts—the rambling.
“I’m so sorry, I was high, and that’s not an excuse, I just—I don’t normally say things like that and I promise I’m not unprofessional and I completely understand if that made you uncomfortable—”
He steps closer.
You keep going.
“I mean obviously I think you’re attractive but that’s not the point, the point is I should not have—”
His hand comes up suddenly, fingers warm against your jaw, thumb pressing lightly into one cheek, steadying you.
“Stop.”
You freeze.
His other hand cups the other side of your face, forcing you to look at him.
“Did you mean it?” he asks quietly. “What you said last night—was any of it true?”
Your pulse is probably in v-tach.
You try to look away. He doesn’t let you.
“Answer me.”
You inhale shakily.
“Yeah,” you whisper. “I meant it.”
Silence.
Then the smallest smirk touches his mouth. Before you can process it, he pulls you in.
The kiss is not tentative. It’s deep and deliberate, months of restraint snapping all at once. Your hands fly up in surprise, but they don’t push him away. They grip his scrubs tightly instead.
You melt before you can stop yourself.
When he finally pulls back, your breathing is uneven.
“I’ve felt the same,” he murmurs against your mouth. “For months.”
Your brain short circuits.
“Jack—”
“I was trying to be responsible,” he says, thumb brushing along your jaw again. “You made that very difficult.”
His mouth trails briefly along your cheek, your jaw, down to the curve of your neck—slow enough to make your knees weaken.
“You wanted to know what I’d do if you locked the door,” he murmurs.
Your stomach flips.
“I think you’re about to find out.”
And then—
BANG. BANG. BANG.
“What the hell?” Dr. Shen’s voice comes muffled through the door. “Why is this locked? My coffee’s in there.”
You and Jack jump apart like you’ve been electrocuted. You scramble to smooth your hair. He adjusts his scrubs, clearing his throat.
You unlock the door quickly and swing it open.
Dr. Shen looks between you both suspiciously.
“Must’ve locked automatically,” Jack says smoothly as he steps past him.
Shen narrows his eyes but grabs his coffee and mutters something about 'new facilities policies.'
You do not make eye contact with anyone as you speed walk away.
A nurse calls from down the hall, “Can someone come look at bed four?”
"I've got it," you latch onto that lifeline immediately and start walking towards to bed.
Jack catches up to you easily, falling into step at your side.
“Come home with me after our shifts over,” he murmurs, low enough that no one else hears. “I’ll let you finish what you started.”
Your face burns instantly.
“Yes,” you say eagerly. “I mean—sure, yeah sounds good.”
Jack gives you a knowing look, the corner of his mouth lifting before he turns around to go check on a patient, looking like the picture of professionalism.
By the time you reach bed four, your face is still burning. And you're painfully aware that he’s watching you from across the ED.
a/n: Unfortunately inspired by my embarrassing ER visit yesterday :(
summary: good things happen to those who are found crying in the supply closet by their hot, older, maybe flirty boss-slash-mentor.
wc: 14.5k (i have no idea how that happened)
tags/tropes: age gap (duh), slow burn with an insane amount of tension, lowkey very emotionally rife, hurt/comfort, not-so-unrealistic amounts of crying, langdonmel in the background if you squint (you don’t have to squint very hard i love them so much guys im sorry) vaguely referenced but not subtlety implied bad childhood, gratuitous and frankly ridiculous medical inaccuracies because i took a lot of creative liberty, reader is an ode to Matilda by Harry Styles and You’re Gonna Go Far by Noah Kahan, Pitt Crew becomes reader’s family :)
a/n: this was supposed to be a sort-of drabble for @leeknowpegger. idk what happened. pegger i’m sorry i’ve been so dead recently (always) will you take this as an apology. If you’d like more cohesive tags, more context, extra details, and more in depth warnings, this fic has been cross-posted on ao3, and will be linked below :]
NOT-SO-FRIENDLY-PSA: Any comments asking me to write more, post another chapter, or anything of the sort will be deleted. Please do not send an ask into my inbox either. Screaming in my inbox (not about wanting more, general screaming) is totally fine though!
ao3
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۫ ꣑ৎ
You have been the perfect day shift intern for five months. Five freaking months of listening to mostly constructive criticism, five months of adapting and learning on the go with not a single complaint voiced, five months of diligent note-taking, studying, and practice. Five months of weaseling your way into the list of interns-slash-young-doctors that your residents actually respect. Five months of grueling shifts, hard losses, and never saying no when someone needs you to do something.
Five months of being the untouchable, “perfect” intern. Robby’s newest addition to his growing list of “work-wards.”
Five months of unflinching effort and dedication and it took four hours of your third night-shift to reduce you to a miserable, snotty mess on the supply closet floor. Tucked into the space between the two shelves, just the toes of your blood and snot and god knows what else covered shoes peeking out, the rest of you obscured.
Five months, four hours, and back to back fuck-ups that escalated into Dr. Jack Abbot, the man you may or may not have had the hugest crush on since beginning your intern year, removing you from a case. Five months, four hours, and two parents screaming at Dr. Abbot, telling him that you’re not fit to be a doctor.
Tonight isn’t the first night a patient has yelled at you. Tonight isn’t even the first time you’ve been removed from a case. It’s not the first time Dr. Abbot has had to correct you, and it’s certainly not the first time you’ve made a mistake.
You’re an intern. It’s your job to fuck up, learn from it, and keep going. That’s what Dr. Mohan said to one of the other interns awhile back. They’d ended up flunking out, but oh well. It was good advice. It wasn’t meant for you, but hell if you don’t say it to yourself every night like a prayer.
But right now, the usual calming mantra is doing absolutely nothing. You’re stifling ugly sobs into the tops of your knees, arms wrapped around and squeezing as tight as you can, your chest shaking and shuddering with the force of your complete and total freak-out.
The patient isn’t dead. Despite your mistakes, they didn’t die. There’s really nothing to cry about. Nothing to hide in the supply closet for.
And yet, here you are.
Your first mistake wasn’t terrible, but it was ridiculously stupid and incredibly embarrassing. Triage room, emergency measures being taken. And you, tired and off kilter from being so used to the day-shift, broke the sterile field. Like some dumb medical student, not a fairly seasoned intern who’s drilled sterile protocol into her head until it’s muscle memory.
For a scalpel. You dropped a scalpel. Arguably the worst thing to drop. And then, like an idiot, you picked it back up.
And, well. There’s no time to re-scrub, so there wasn’t a need for you in the triage room anymore.
Your second mistake was equally stupid and avoidable, if you’d focused more. Dr. Garcia was kind enough to let you scrub in on an emergency appendectomy.
It was a test. Not your first.
And you ripped the fucking purse strings.
Once again, you were unceremoniously booted from the room (being kicked out of an OR feels a hell of a lot worse than being kicked out of a triage room) and sent back to the pit. Dr. Abbot immediately caught wind of it and demoted you to scut work until “you get your head back in the game.”
And, well. You tried really hard to devote yourself to your new task, but you had to keep blinking tears out of your eyes every five seconds and you absolutely refuse to cry in front of literally any of your coworkers, lest they think you some weak-willed weak-stomached intern who can’t handle some criticism and correction. You’re a hard worker. You’re good at this. You have to be.
So yeah. Crying in the supply closet.
You’ve always been a frustrated cryer, which is annoying on a good day and downright awful on a bad one (case in point.)
You’re just so upset with yourself. You’re better than this. You know you are. You’ve proven that you are. You don’t drop scalpels. You don’t break the sterile field. You don’t rip purse strings.
But you did tonight. And maybe one day you’ll laugh, but today is not that day.
You just don’t get it. Day shift? Incredible. Manageable. You’re on top of things, put together, and worthy of Dr. Robby’s respect.
But tonight? Quite literally the exact opposite.
You can’t be burning out, right? That’s not how burn out works. There’s like, signs, and you start to feel terrible and awful and exhausted and sure you definitely feel all of those things, but that’s because you work in medicine. And you’re an intern. You’re supposed to feel terrible and awful and exhausted. But maybe you’re not? You do enjoy your work, and it’s exhilarating, especially when you try something for the first time and execute it well, because you always do, you always get things right on the first try, obviously, so that means that this can’t be burn out. You don’t burn out. That’s not you. Right? No. Of course not.
You gasp a particularly rough sob into your knees, air feeling like knives as you inhale, making you cough horrendously. You must be quite a sight.
Unfortunately, due to your alternating hacking coughs and dramatic crying, you don’t quite hear the door open.
You do, however, hear the quiet “Oh.” that’s mumbled a few moments later.
Of-fucking-course.
You scramble upright, aggressively wiping at your face and attempting to make it look like you weren’t just crying on the ground.
“Dr. Abbot! I’m so sorry, this is very unprofessional and I know you have me on scut work but I promise I’m still working on it—“
He holds up a hand, and you slam your jaw shut with an audible click.
“Just needed some four by fours, kid.”
Always one to be helpful (especially to the guy you have a crush on who also happens to be your boss, aka the same person who professionally told you to get your shit together about forty minutes ago) you reach beside yourself and hand him the package of gauze, an awkward smile fixed on your face.
“…Those are three by threes.”
Bitch. Motherfucker. Fuck your life.
“Right,” You mumble, dragging your hand down your face. “I’ll just get out of your way. Sorry.”
You turn to walk past him, attempting to go quick enough that he might not notice the new tears shining in your eyes before a hand lands on your shoulder.
“Look,” Dr. Abbot starts. “You’re one of Robby’s adopted interns, right? Robby-Junior?”
“That is one of the rumors Santos has been spreading, yes.”
His hand is on your shoulder. His hand is on your shoulder. (!!!)
You don’t know what to do. He’s looking at you. Your boss doesn’t fluster you. You’re chill. You’re normal. You’re cool as a cucumber, yep yep yep.
“Robby doesn’t adopt interns lightly. Don’t let one bad shift mess you up. It happens to everyone.”
You purse your lips. You should let it go. Take his advice. Thank him.
The all-consuming-guilt and ever-present-need to prove yourself itches too painfully to ignore.
Dr. Abbot seems to notice, and he catches your gaze again.
“What, it doesn’t happen to you?”
A jolt of panic stabs your chest. “No! Of course it happens to me, I didn’t mean to imply that I’m like, above making mistakes or having bad shifts at all—“
Genuinely what is wrong with you. Why the fuck does he do this you. You’re a smart, confident woman who apparently chucks her brain into the garbage bin whenever her boss is around.
Dr. Abbot, probably picking up on a pattern of behavior by now, levels you with another look that shuts you up fairly quickly. He’s got a sort of impish grin on his face, and it shouldn’t be hot, but he’s got his hand on your shoulder and you’re having a ridiculously shitty night. Does anything matter anymore?
“Usually, we try to mix up interns schedules so you don’t get into a rhythm on one specific shift so that when you inevitably switch, the change doesn’t mess up your flow. But I'm sure your knack for keeping your head down and doing good work let you fall through the cracks.”
He takes his hand off your shoulder and shoves it into his pocket, but you almost don’t notice because he said you do good work.
Abbot gives you another grin. “And I didn’t stick you on scut as a punishment. Mindless work tends to be calming, which in turn helps focus your mind.”
“But I ripped the purse strings,” You blurt like a Catholic school girl in a particularly rife confessional, “Like an idiot.”
“You ripped them like an intern doing something for the first time.”
“I practiced hundreds of times to make sure it didn’t happen!”
He tilts his head, almost cat-like. “Did you also practice on a live person in a higher stakes situation while your body is messed up from a sudden and huge sleep schedule change?”
“…No?”
He snorts. “Exactly. Dr. Garcia probably won’t hold it against you. She’ll give you shit for it, but it’s not like she’s never going to give you another chance.”
You wipe the last bit of wetness of your cheeks with the back of your hand, embarrassment heating your face. Despite the awfulness of being caught crying in the supply closet, the beginnings of pleasant warmth is spreading through your chest, Dr. Abbot’s reassurances echoing in your head.
“Thank you, Dr. Abbot. Um. Sorry about the crying. I promise I don’t usually do that.”
Dr. Abbot snorts as he saunters towards the door. “Wouldn’t judge you if you did, kid.”
—
Dr. Jack Abbot is bored.
He has his work, which is great. He became a doctor after being discharged because he’s always been the kind of man that needs something to do. Something to mind, something to watch, something to fix. Robby and him and much the same in this way.
Working at the ED was enough for a while. There was a certain challenge to it, an unpredictability that itch sated, kept him sane. And, well. Now he’s an attending. Night shift lead.
He started to get restless again.
He thought a pet might work. He was going to get a dog, but it didn’t sit right with him to get an animal built for companionship and then leave it at home for over twelve hours a day. Then he thought a cat might do the trick. He looked online first, saw beautiful, well bred felines that could probably compete and win for best in show for whatever the cat equivalent is for the Westminster Dog Show.
And then he made the mistake of going to the shelter and seeing an old, one eared tuxedo cat that stared at him with something in between fear and spite and its eyes. And well. The shelter attendants assured him that the cat in question prefers being left alone and having its own space, but might warm up eventually, and he brought him home that day.
And then it was just Jack, occasionally Robby, and now his asshole cat who might not love him back.
That also worked for a while. Having Charlie was fun. It was nice having another living creature in his house that wasn’t him. Even if he did have a habit of chewing on power cords when left unattended and eventually progressed into attempting to destroy Jack’s stethoscope if he left it anywhere he could find.
Minding the cat gave him something to do that wasn’t tedious, and it was a special sort of bonus to wake up every now and then and see the cat sprawled at the foot of the bed, snoring away. He didn’t actually know cats could snore like that.
Around the time that the itch came back and Jack was considering adopting a second cat from the shelter (well on his path to becoming a crazy cat lady, as Robby said in the park over beers) he met you for the first time.
Sometimes Jack slips quietly into the ED and watches the chaos of day shift’s conclusions. He’s picked up a very special language of gauging what he’s getting into based on the body language and behavior of the rest of the hospital staff. Robby had told him about the latest intern— a motivated, stubborn sort of girl that frequently went toe-to-toe with Santos but without any of the pushback when receiving correction or criticism. He’d heard that you were smart, capable, and well on your way of becoming a great doctor.
Robby failed to mention that you were pretty.
He’d watch you, comparing notes with Mohan with a certain intense focus on your face, worrying your lip between your teeth and repeatedly tucking a piece of hair behind your ear because it’d fallen out of your disheveled pony tail he thinks ‘Oh.’
And then, a few months later, he finds you crying in a closet, subtly confessing fears of failure and falling short of expectations, and then he thinks ‘Well, there’s something to do.’
Jack tries not to think about you, at first. You, looking up at him with red-rimmed eyes, bottom lip jutted out just a bit, hugging your knees. He tries not to think about how you’d looked at him when he’d assured you that you did good work, the awkward thank you, and the way that for the rest of the shift, all the annoying menial tasks that get forgotten in the chaos were all mysteriously taken care of.
He tells himself that he’s just going to keep an eye on you. For Robby’s sake. He’d do the same for Whitaker.
The next time you have a night shift, you’re clearly more prepared for the exhaustion, and when he finally sees you in true, proper action, he understands immediately why Robby likes you and Mohan frequently attaches you to her cases. Skill, patience, and focus.
When he watches you trach a patient with a certain ease that only comes from practicing hundreds of times, Ellis shoots him a knowing look. Raised eyebrows and smirk. When she passes him in the hall a few hours later, she jabs her thumb behind her shoulder at where you’re diligently filling out a chart.
“That one yours, then?”
Jack shakes his head. “It’s not like that. You make me sound like a creep.”
Another raised eyebrow. “Sure it isn’t.”
“She’s Robby’s intern.”
“Mhm.”
“She’s way too young.”
Parker shrugs. “She’s good.”
“She is.”
The senior resident cuts a glance back to you. “Think she’ll burn out?”
“Maybe.”
Parker crosses his arms. “Are you gonna let it happen?”
“She’s not my intern.”
Up to three Parker Ellis looks and counting.
“It’s an HR nightmare.”
Parker shrugs. “You just said she’s not your intern.”
He narrows his eyes. “You know what I meant.”
“Do I? It’s been awhile, Jack. No one would really judge you for having some fun.”
“Parker.”
“Jack.”
He shakes his head, walks towards the boards. “You’re the worst.”
Parker just laughs. “Sure I am.”
To your credit, he doesn’t find you crying in a supply closet again to see evidence of you doing so for a solid few weeks. But, like most things in the ED, the peace doesn’t last.
You came into work soaking wet, which is odd, considering the fact that he knows you drive, and the walk to the parking lot isn’t far enough to account how you’re shivering in your freshly changed scrubs. He brushes it off, chalks it up to freakish Pittsburg weather.
Some night shifts are relatively slow and mild. Tonight is not one of those shifts. Patients are extra irritable at late hours, which is to be expected, but what he’s not expecting is to walk by South 15 and see a 50-something year old man slap you.
Jack blinks, and in the next second he’s in the room, standing in between you and the patient.
“Excuse me, what the fuck is going on here?”
Gloria will probably give him shit for his language later, but right now all he can think about is the startled look on your face and the echo that the contact made.
“I said I want a real doctor, not this fucking—“
“Get the fuck out of my hospital.”
Shen peaks his head in. “Security’s on their way.”
Jack reaches behind him to where you’re still standing, your hand covering your cheek, and gently pushes you towards Shen, towards the door. You stumble over your feet a bit, but truly, Jack’s never been more thankful for his residents because then Parker is right there, ushering you out the door with a hand on your shoulder. Jack resolutely ignores your mumbled “I’m fine, really, he just surprised me.”
Thankfully, security doesn’t take that long to get to the room, and the second Jack is finished explaining, he’s out the door and scanning the ED for your face. Nurse Young jerks her head towards the break room, and he thinks he manages to give her what he hopes is a thankful smile before he’s beelining for it.
When he opens the door, you’re sitting on the floor again, holding an ice pack to your cheek with one hand and dabbing at your lip with a paper towel. Like you’ve never heard of medical protocol in your entire life.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
You jerk your head up, a kid caught with its hand in the cookie jar.
“Dr. Abbot!”
Lowering himself to the ground is awkward, physically. Prosthetics don’t lend to much mobility and he’s too old to be doing this, but he just. There are little beads of blood collecting and then sliding down your chin, dripping onto the leg of your scrubs. At the same angle of the split in your lip, there’s a little cut he can see peaking out from under the ice pack.
He reaches forward, fingers itching towards the deep scarlet dripping steadily. He pauses, remembering things like words and questions and sees the wild look in your eyes.
“Can I…?” Jack’s voice trails off, the words clunky and useless in this bubble that’s seemed to form around the two of you, on the probably disgusting floor of the ED break room.
You slowly drop the napkin, let the ice pack lower to your lap and nod.
“He had a ring on. I guess it caught me. I didn’t really notice until I got here.”
“Parker and Shen didn’t notice?”
You look at your lap. “I told them I was fine… And covered it with my hand. There are other patients. It’s just a little cut.”
Jack’s fingers finally reach your face, and he almost takes them back when you flinch on the initial contact, shaking ever so slightly.
But then, with noticeable effort, you relax into his palm, his fingers curling around the side of your jaw. He should grab gloves. He should get up, take his hand off your face.
Anyone could walk in right now and call Gloria on his ass.
His thumb sweeps across your cheekbone, just below the cut, which does have some faint bruising around it. And truthfully, the split in your lip doesn’t look that bad either.
But there’s still little dots and trails of scarlet and he doesn’t think he’s going to be able to calm down until he fixes it. He needs to fix something.
“If I leave you here so I can get supplies,” He starts, voice a little rough, “Can I trust that you’ll stay here and not do anything stupid?”
“Uh, yes? Should I move to a real chair though?”
Jack huffs as he hauls himself to his feet. “That’d be preferable.”
Later, when he’s at home in his bed, he’ll assure himself that the night shift wasn’t truly that busy and he trusts his residents to handle things while he’s busy.
No one stops him on his way to the medical supply closet (the irony of the location is not lost on him) and he makes it back without interruption. Upon opening the door, you have in fact moved to a chair, and it seems the bleeding slowed in his absence.
What he should do is sit down in the chair opposite of you and handle this situation like a professional, like the Dr. Abbot, night shift attending, not Jack who’s got a thing for fixing.
He does try to remove his emotions and feelings from the situation, he really does. It’s something he’s generally very good at —which is where he and Robby differ; Robby would prefer to feel too much and Jack would prefer to feel nothing at all— but you’re looking up at him and there’s something really dangerous in the air and it must’ve gotten into your blood stream or something cause it’s swimming in your eyes and he realizes that removing his feelings is not going to be possible.
He decides he could at least tone it down. You’re an intern. Robby’s intern. So what if you’re bleeding all over the break room? Jack’s just doing his job as the attending to look after the doctors and nurses under his jurisdiction or whatever. That’s all.
“Tilt your head up.”
He sets to work cleaning up the cut and split as detached and clinically as possible, even puts on gloves so there’s no skin to skin contact, just protocol, but he can feel the warmth of your skin through the latex and you keep sucking in these tiny little breathes when something stings and he can’t get the sound of the slap out of his head and it’s all just kind of a lot.
He readjusts his hand on the side of your face, sort of holding your forehead now to have better access and control over the cut on your cheek and wow. Your skin is really warm. It kind of feels like you’re burning up.
Jack tosses the piece of gauze he was using and rests the back of his hand against your forehead. Shit, you are burning up.
He thinks back to you, walking in today, soaked to the bone.
“Did you walk to work today?”
You wince. “My car kind of died? On the way here? I was only a mile away. But I called a towing company, so I didn’t just leave my car in the middle of the road.”
He blinks.
“Your car died, so you had it towed and walked a mile to work, in the rain, late at night, and didn’t tell anybody?”
You just keep staring at him, brows furrowed.
“Yeah? I carry a knife and I’ve taken self defense classes, and my car was just towed back to my place, so. I had a shift to work.”
There’s… a lot to unpack in your answer.
“Kid,” He starts, wondering why Robby never thought to give him a heads up before you started working more night shifts, “What was your plan to get home?”
“Walk, probably. I was thinking about taking the bus. Dr. King knows the bus schedule, so I’m probably going to text her.”
Jack decides to just finish cleaning you up, before he does something stupid like shake you by your shoulders and ask why you didn’t think to let your boss know that your car broke down and you’d be walking home in the rain. Or that when a patient slapped you in the face, his ring cut your face and lip open.
God.
“It’s really fine though,” You say, gesticulating animatedly with your hands. “My place isn’t that far, and it’s not the first time my car’s died. The battery’s kind of shot, but I guess my car has a weird battery, and it’s like, crazy expensive to get a new one, so. Besides, I like walking. I’ve been meaning to catch up on my audiobooks.”
He wishes you’d stop talking so he’d stop hearing things that make him want to do things he can’t and shouldn’t do. Like find out what car you drive so he can buy you a new battery. Or buy you a new car all together.
Christ, you have him wrapped around your fucking finger.
“I’ll drive you home. If you’re fine with that.”
Jack has to fight a grin at how comically wide your eyes grow at his suggestion.
“Oh no, you really don’t have to. I promise I’m—“
“Please stop saying you're fine,” He begs, “You don’t have a working car, a patient slapped you in the face, and I think you’re coming down with something.”
The smile that’s seemed permanently fixed on your face since he came into the break room falters, for a bit.
“Well,” You grimace, hands fisting the hem of your scrub top, “Things certainly aren’t… great, but I’ll survive. I’m not like, incapable, or anything.”
Jacks quiet for a bit, not just mulling over your words but the way you said them; the cadence and tone.
He hums. “Is that what you think? That I or someone else here will think you’re not competent or that you’re weak if you take a break or ask for help?”
Your face falters again. “No, no, of course not I just… I don’t know. I’m an intern. It’s my job, supposedly, to mess up and have to be looked after in case I accidentally kill someone and stuff like that. I just don’t want to be someone that people think they have to worry about. I need— internships are competitive. They’re competitions, really. And I want to win.”
Jack Abbot knows what it’s like to want to win. That need to prove yourself, prove that you’re capable and strong and unfailing.
So Jack also knows how quickly that can all go south.
“You’re a smart kid,” He says, voice ever so slightly soft in the quiet tension of the break room, empty except for the two of you, “And you’re going to make a great resident, and one day, a damn good attending. But none of that means shit if you burn out or get run yourself into the ground before you get there.”
He avoids eye-contact while he carefully applies the bandage to your cheek. “This industry will chew you up and spit you back out if you don’t take care of yourself. I get it. We’re doctors. We make the worst patients. But you got slapped in the face during a shitty day. It’s okay to… not be okay for a minute.”
You huff a watery laugh. “Isn’t that what energy drinks are for?”
He shakes his head. “What, trying to die faster?”
“Anything to shake those student loans. Can’t be in debt if you’re dead.”
“Don’t they just pass it to your family? Next of kin or whatever?”
“I don’t think they can give student loans to a cactus. I mean, I consider her my daughter, but I hardly think it’ll hold up in court.”
Jack mentally files that information away for later. What later is, he isn’t sure.
He stands, pulls off his gloves and tosses all the used gauze and shit in the trash can.
“I gotta get back out there,” He jams his thumb towards the door, “But feel free to take five. No one’s judging you. Matter of fact, as your boss, I’m telling you to take a break.”
You roll your eyes. “Whatever you say, Dr. Abbot. But thank you. For the…”
You gesture to your bandaged cheek and lip. “…And for the advice.”
He shrugs, like taking care of you hasn’t become a persona fantasy he may or may not fall asleep imagining most nights. Like it doesn’t matter, like he’s just doing his job.
“Offer for the ride’s still open. Just let me know by the end of shift.”
And with that, he’s out the door.
It’s the end of shift, and you’re staring at the double doors that lead to the outside world, and beyond that, absolutely fucking miserable weather for walking, a dead car, and cold as shit apartment.
You’re not exactly rushing out the door.
You’re clutching at the strap of your bag, regular clothes on, still damp despite the fact that it’s been over thirteen hours since you originally took them off, begging the universe to strike you down where you stand. Spontaneous lightning bolts happen indoors too, right?
The doors just stare back at you, unchanging in their miserable-ness, and after a solid ten minutes of staring, you feel rather than see Jack sidle up next to you.
“Still raining out there?”
“Yep. Looks worse now.”
“Not great weather to walk in. Especially considering the low-grade fever.”
“Mhm.”
“Did you text Dr. King for the bus schedule?”
“No. I didn’t want to wake her up.”
Jack huffs a breath, then jerks his head towards the doors that lead to the employee parking lot.
“Come on, kid.”
The ride is quiet and awkward. Well. Dr. Abbot probably doesn’t think it’s awkward, because he seems like the kind of man not to be bothered by long stretches of silence. Or silence at all.
He’d been kind enough to turn the heat on full blast (you started shivering the moment you stepped outside) and the radio is softly playing, and it’s only thanks to Sabrina Carpenter’s voice that you don’t feel like completely freaking out.
You mouth along to the lyrics, quietly humming the chorus under your breath.
“—I get wet at the thought of you being a responsible guy—“
“—Treating me like you’re supposed to do, tears run down my thighs—“
By the time you’ve realized that perhaps this isn’t the best song choice to sing along to, considering the situation and who’s car you’re currently riding in, the words “I get wet” have already left your mouth so there’s no real point in stopping.
On a completely unrelated note, Dr. Abbot starts smiling a little bit when you hum.
Pittsburgh traffic is terrible, so the drive kind of drags on. The radio is playing Chappell Roan now. Casual specifically. You’re considering changing the radio station because god.
“So,” You start, just to say anything that drowns out “knee-deep in the passenger seat and you’re eating me out, is it casual now?”, “Did you… have a good shift?”
That was a terrible question. Jesus. What the hell is wrong with you? How did you get through medical school?
Dr. Abbot snorts. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that question?”
Ah. Right. The Incident.
“I told you I’m—“
“Didn’t I tell you to stop saying that?”
Your lap has never looked more interesting. Wow, is that a loose thread on your sweats?
He continues. “Fine or not, a patient assaulted you. Even if he didn’t leave a mark, that’s still shitty.”
“Have you been hit by a patient before?”
He huffs. “Hell yeah. It happens to everyone eventually. It’ll happen again. You get better at keeping your cool.”
“Sorry you had to step in. I’ve been hit by a patient before and I was fine.”
“Oh yeah?”
You nod. “It was during my Pedes rotation, actually. I’ve always known working with kids probably wasn’t going to be for me, but, well. Kid came in for intussusception, and she was screaming and writhing in pain, and I failed to restrain her properly.”
“What, did she slap you too?”
“Nope. Kicked me in the chin. Ended up biting almost clean through my tongue.”
“Fucking hell, kid. What’d you do?”
You shrug. “Kept my blood in my mouth until we finished sedating the patient. Ended up with three stitches.”
Dr. Abbot lets out a low whistle. “Always the patients you least expect.”
“The importance of proper patient restraint was thoroughly impressed upon me, I assure you.”
The silence after your short conversation is slightly more comfortable, and thankfully the radio station has decided to play less pointed music.
Between the warmth of the car, the smell permeating the seats that smells distinctly like Dr. Abbot, and the drumming of rain outside, it doesn’t take long for drowsiness to begin to overtake you.
Your last thought before falling asleep is that you don’t remember if you gave Dr. Abbot your address or not.
Someone is gently shaking your shoulder, and you feel like shit.
“What?” You attempt to say, but the side of your mouth is pressed against the seatbelt and your shoulder so it comes out sounding like: “Whamfgh?”
Opening your eyes is a herculean task, like someone sewed miniature weights to your eyelids while you were asleep. You’re absolutely freezing, despite the steady hum of the car's heat, still on high, and you vaguely recognize the street the car is currently parked on.
Oh right, your apartment.
“Oh,” You yawn, hauling yourself semi-upright, aiming for woman who has it together, and less disheveled swooning woman in a Baroque painting.
Dr. Abbot is staring at you with equal parts humor and concern.
You rub at your eyes. “How long have I been asleep?”
“Little over forty minutes. You looked like you needed it.”
“It doesn’t take that long to drive to my place, even with traffic.”
Your brain is moving like molasses, so it takes you a second to catch up with the implication of his statement.
“Did you just… park in front of my house? So I could keep sleeping?”
He just shrugs. “Like I said. You looked like you needed it.”
Embarrassment and a touch of something else floods through your body, hot and cold at the same time.
“Sorry. You didn’t have to wait.”
“If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t have.”
Still moving slowly, you gather up your bag from where it partially spilled on the floor all over your feet, shoving old receipts and pads and chapstick back in with the reckless abandon of a person who isn’t nearly aware enough of social cues to be in a car alone with their hot boss.
Whilst you're grabbing and shoving, Dr. Abbot reaches into his back seat, rifles around for a bit, and then drops something rather unceremoniously over your head and shoulders. After a quiet “hey” you pull it into your lap, and then that hot feeling is back in full force.
It’s a rain jacket. Clearly Dr. Abbot’s. You can see his name written on the inside pocket. It’s nice too. Definitely not the kind of rain jacket you could afford on an intern’s budget.
“For the next time your car dies,” He clarifies, as if the jacket’s purpose is the thing that’s stupefied you, not the fact that he’s the one giving it to you, “In case of rain.”
“You really don’t have to,” your words are rushed and clunky in your mouth, tumbling over each other in your haste to say something, anything, “I mean, I can just buy my own—“
“First of all,” He cuts you off, voice smooth and rough at the same time, “Do I seem to be the kind of guy in the habit of doing things I don’t want to? And second of all…”
He tilts his head, gaze sharp. “Are you really going to buy one for yourself?”
Your mouth goes dry.
“I was planning on looking online—“
Dr. Abbot interrupts you. “Now you don’t have to.”
Like it’s that easy. Does he want it to be?
“Dr. Abbot, I—“
“Jack.”
His grin goes from mild to shit-eating as you stare at him, obviously radiating confusion.
“Jack,” you start, testing out the name in your mouth, hearing how it sounds in the air. “I can take care of myself. You don’t need to give me your jacket. I’ve been doing just fine on my own.”
“Kid—“
The prickling of perceived weakness makes anger spark in your chest.
“Don’t call me kid like I’m stupid.”
Dr. Abb— Jack seems simultaneously impressed that you interrupted him for a change and vaguely put out.
He holds up a finger, effectively silencing anything else you were thinking of saying.
“I don’t call you kid because I think you’re stupid. I don’t think you’re stupid. You’d know if I thought you were stupid, because I would tell you. ‘Kid’ is a…” He trails off, free hand tapping thoughtful rhythms on the steering wheel, “…Nickname. Term of endearment. Whatever you want to call it, but it’s not derogatory.”
Jack holds up a second finger.
“You have not been taking care of yourself. If you were, you wouldn’t have a low grade fever, and you would’ve called me as your boss or one of your friends to drive you instead of walking after your car died. You’ve been surviving. There’s a difference.”
Shame burns white hot through you— all your recent failings laid out by the person you want least to notice them. Clearly, he has.
Possibly out of pity in response to your no doubt miserable expression, Jack continues.
“Don’t beat yourself up about it. It’d be an honest-to-god miracle if any intern managed to properly take care of themself. Hell, residents don’t do it either, and neither do attendings. Does Robby strike you as the kind of man who takes perfect care of himself?”
“That depends. Is my answer going to make it back to him?”
Jack huffs a quiet laugh. “Exactly. Doctors make the worst patients, in and out of a hospital setting. Knowing better doesn’t actually make us all that inclined to do better. Terrible misconception.”
He nudges the jacket on your lap. “So just take the jacket. One less thing to worry about.”
Emboldened by his recent streak of kindness towards you and the flush of fever running through your veins, you look over to him.
“You worry about me?”
Something dances in his eyes for a split second, gone before you can blink.
“I worry about all the interns and residents on my service, but especially the ones my best friend has taken a liking to.”
Right. Of course. He only cares because of Robby. And Robby only cares so he can add another doctor to the already short-staffed PTMC. It’s not like Jack actually likes you or anything.
You clutch the jacket to your stomach, finally finding the energy to get out of the car. Jack’s car.
“Well. Thanks for the ride, Dr. Abbot. And the jacket.”
“No problem, kid.”
And if later on that evening, in the safety of your tiny apartment, you take in the deep, fresh, almost spicy smell that makes up Jack, lingering on the jacket, that’s no one’s business but yours.
—
From that night on, it feels like Jack Abbot is everywhere.
Whether it’s something he’s doing on purpose or you’ve just developed a heightened sense to his whereabouts— it doesn’t matter. Sometimes it’s a whiff of his cologne (eerily similar to Dior Sauvage, which makes you shudder. Certainly he didn’t choose a cologne similar to the number one male manipulator scent on purpose?) or seeing his handwriting on a whiteboard or his notes in a chart, he’s there.
You’re being scheduled for night shifts fairly regularly now, in addition to the 24-hour shifts you have the pleasure of being put on as an intern.
Working a double isn’t horrific, really. Exhausting, sure, but Robby and Jack’s solid presence makes the shifts more bearable. Plus, you’re quickly becoming friends with the fresher residents, Whitaker and Santos, plus some of the older residents like Mohan and King. Even Dr. Langdon gives pretty solid advice and mentorship, despite the tension in the air whenever he happens to be working with or near Robby.
Normally, 24 hour shifts are grueling, but not impossible. Somewhere around the 15 or 16 hour mark, the sleep deprivation hits, and you can just coast on stress-induced inertia and a healthy does of energy drinks and mania.
Today, though, has been particularly fucking awful. Maybe it’s the fact that the fever never really went away, or the fact that you started your period the day before (being sick on your period should be illegal.) It’s probably both of those things.
But there isn’t really anything to do but grin and bear it. The day will pass, and you have the next two days off anyways. Just survive the next however-many hours of the shift and then you can go home, dress in exclusively fluffy clothes, and binge watch tv whilst eating heart-stopping junk food.
You’re distracted from your charting, propped up on the counter at the nurses station by a light tap on your shoulder and someone saying your name.
Dr. Langdon has sidled up next you, voice hushed.
“Hey, uh. I just wanted to let you know that you seem to have… bled through.”
If a spontaneous earthquake could open a chasm beneath your feet and swallow you whole, now would be the time.
“Fuck fuck-ity fuck fuck,” You mumble, wiping your hands down your face. “Right. Yeah. Of course. Thank you for letting me know.”
In a moment that is as mortifying as it is kind of sweet, Langdon passes you a hoodie that is clearly his.
“To tie around your waist,” He clarifies, holding the object out across the meager space between the two of you, voice a bit awkward and stilted, like you might decide to spit in his face or something.
You don’t actually know what it is that Dr. Langdon did before your arrival that makes the break room go quiet when he walks in (unless Dr. King is there) but you don’t particularly care. If it was truly something horrific that you should be worried about, he wouldn’t be working here. Robby wouldn’t let that kind of thing slide.
So you take the offered hoodie with a strained smile (can this shift just be over) and speed-walk to the break room, praying no one decides to snag you on the way there.
What you should do is go to your locker where your stash of pads, tampons, spare underwear, and extra scrubs are, and then probably the bathroom to get changed, so you can keep on going but you also just saw Dr. King go into the break room and you just really need a hit of her specific brand of optimism.
The woman in question perks up when she notices your arrival, hastily eating the same snack she always eats around this time— a tiny bag of pretzels.
She watches as you collapse into the chair across from her, letting your head thunk onto the table.
“Bad shift?”
“Bad life,” You grumble. “Dr. Langdon had to give me his hoodie to tie around my waist because I bled through onto my scrubs. Like a middle schooler who doesn’t know what pad sizes are for.”
Dr. King nods thoughtfully. “He asked me if it would be weird of him to let you know and offer his hoodie. To which I replied that periods are a normal bodily function and he’s a doctor.”
“Here here,” You half-heartedly cheer, any actual cheer or enthusiasm severely lacking in your voice. “How did you survive your intern year, Dr. King?”
“We’ve been working together for awhile, you can call me Mel,”
She pops another pretzel in her mouth before answering. “But to answer your question, I mostly just kept telling myself that failing wasn’t an option. Which. Probably isn’t helpful, or good advice, but it worked for me. Something that’s nice is if you have a fellow intern or doctor that you enjoy working with. I know the other two interns who matched into the PTMC dropped out of the course, so it’s just you, but you have Dr. Robby, right?”
You nod, picking absently at a spot on the table and ignoring the way that it wasn’t Robby who popped into your head, but Jack.
Your teeny, ignorable crush on him has become a full-blown thing, with semi-weekly dreams about him in various… situations, and casual daydreams at all hours of the day of what it would be like to just be with him, or hear him, in any capacity that couldn’t be qualified as work or a boss checking on his employee. Intern. Whatever.
Hormonal and fever-ish, you suddenly feel like you’re going to explode and die if you don’t have someone to confide in right this very second. You haven’t heard Mel really talk about anyone you work with outside of professional doctor-to-doctor conversation, not even about Dr. Langdon, who she seems almost suspiciously close with.
“Mel,” You start, voice a little too thick and watery to just be talking about your stupid, annoying, one-sided workplace crush, “Can I tell you a secret?”
She seems to consider the pros and cons first, and looks fairly caught off guard, but she answers. “Um. Sure?”
“Have you ever had a crush on a coworker before? Or like, a boss or mentor?”
Mel sets down her bag of pretzels. “Is this about Dr.—“
“I have the biggest crush on Dr. Abbot and I think it’s ruining my life.”
The words burst out of you all at once, and Mel’s expression goes from shocked, to confused, before finally settling in abject amusement.
“Ah,” She says, sliding the pretzels across to you. “Um. Well I personally don’t have a crush on Dr. Abbot, but I think I understand the sentiment.”
You bury your face into your hands and groan. “It’s awful. It’s so cliche. It’s so fucking Grey’s Anatomy.”
“I’ve never actually seen that show. Becca likes it though.”
Mel allows you a few moments of wallowing and pretzel eating before she speaks again.
“Have you… acted on it?”
“No!” You snap your head up. “I mean. No, I haven’t. I’m not naive enough to think that he would reciprocate. He’s an attending and I’m an intern.”
She leans in. “But…?”
“But sometimes… I wonder? I don’t know. I’m probably crazy. He drove me home the other day, cause my car died, and it was raining, and I got slapped by a patient, and that was when I first came down with this stupid fever, and like, that’s normal, right?”
Mel nods. “Fr— Langdon drives me to work when we share shifts, and sometimes when we don’t. I think Dr. Santos and Dr. Whitaker carpool too. So maybe?”
“Right. Yeah.”
She takes the pretzel bag back. “Is there more evidence that makes you feel crazy?”
Your skin flushes hot at the memory alone.
“He gave me his rain jacket. To keep.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Mel once again takes a few minutes, and the rest of her pretzels before responding.
“I’m honestly not the best person to ask for advice about this. I’ve been told I can be… dense when it comes to romantic endeavors.”
You shrug. “You’re a great listener, and you haven’t steered me wrong in the past.”
She brightens. “That’s good! I think my advice would be to talk to Dr. Mohan. She has experience with your… particular situation.”
Mel tosses the empty pretzel bag and heads toward the door. “I’ll let Robby know you’re taking ten, so don’t worry about someone looking for you while you’re changing.”
“You’re the best. I love you.”
The resident flushes at your gratitude, and then ducks out the door, leaving you alone to stew on her advice.
—
Talking to Dr. Mohan proves difficult, at first. How exactly do you start that conversation? “Hey, I heard you had advice on having a world-ending crush on your boss, got any tips?”
Additionally, she’s kind of hard to track down. You greatly respect Dr. Mohan’s work ethic and truly aspire to her unflinching devotion to patient care at the PTMC.
After a few days (which turns into a few weeks, because you are an emotional coward) of trying (and failing) to find a moment to talk, Dr. Mohan actually ends up finding you.
“Hey!” She jogs up to you as you’re walking to your car, a too-bright smile on her face for the fact that you both just got off a fourteen hour shift.
“Sorry to be that annoying coworker who talks to you in the parking lot, but I wanted to catch you before you left. Mel said you wanted to talk to me?”
“Right!” You stammer, slightly mortified. You admire Dr. Mohan so much and really want her to think you’re capable but you really need some advice on Jack Abbot as a whole, and it sounds like she’s the only expert around. “Yes. That. It’s a really normal question, you know.”
Dr. Mohan just nods, a smile still fixed on her face, like this is a totally normal conversation. “Uh, sure?”
There’s a beat of silence where you both stare at each other, and then she gasps.
“This is about Abbot, isn’t it?”
You groan, throwing your head back in defeat. “Am I that obvious?”
She laughs goodnaturedly. “No. Probably not. You’re just the only intern in the ED right now so I try to make it a habit to keep an eye on you. Plus, Mel is literally the only person in the world who knows about my now-dead crush on him, so. I just connected the dots.”
“He’s so hot, Dr. Mohan. I feel like I’m dying.”
She makes a noise of sympathy. “He is. It’s fucking annoying, at a certain point.”
“Thank you!” You shout, “Like it’s just so there. It should be illegal to just walk around and look like that. I should be focusing on like, studying and learning, but instead I’m just harboring this stupid crush on an attending.”
“Have you ever seen Grey’s—“
“Yes. I know. I can’t be Meredith. Meredith was like, always a mess. Am I a mess?”
Mohan purses her lips. “Well. You did just say you felt like you were dying.”
“I know,” You sigh. “It makes me feel… shallow. I like being a doctor. I was so excited to get matched into the PTMC, and this stupid crush is throwing me off my game.”
“It can’t be that bad.”
“On my first night shift rotation I dropped a scalpel, picked it back up, and then ripped the purse strings on my first appendectomy.”
She winces. “Oh. That’s not… great.”
Your hand finds its way to your comfort necklace. “He found me crying in the supply closet like some medical student, and then he comforted me. It was terrible.”
Mohan starts ambling towards the direction you assume her car is in. “Well, if it’s any consolation, I’ve been caught crying in the supply closet several times. I think it’s a right of passage. And as for that second part…”
She shrugs. “Abbot gives credit where credit is due, but he won’t coddle you. If he actually offered real comfort or advice or whatever, then he meant it.”
“That’s what he said. It just didn’t really help the whole crush-on-him part. And then there was the slapping incident, and he drove me home, and now I have his rain jacket in my backseat in case my car dies again.”
Mohan actually looks taken back.
“Okay. It sounds to me like this is a situation that is in serious need of wine. Do you drink?”
“Whenever I have a spare twenty dollars.”
She grins. “I happen to have a couple bottles at home that might do the trick. Follow me back to my place?”
“Yes please.”
Wine and, eventually, takeout at Samira’s is much more enjoyable than you expected— considering the fact that you’re an intern and she’s a resident. She confides that she doesn’t have very many friends outside of the ED and was excited at the opportunity to have “real girl-time”.
She shares how she weathered her own seemingly life-ending crush on Jack, gasps and screams at the appropriate times when you tell her about the slapping, the events that occurred in the break room afterwards, the drive home, and the jacket.
You leave her apartment feeling lighter than ever. Like life might be worth living. Like you could survive your intern year.
Maybe everything will be okay.
—
Everything is not okay.
You’re now two full weeks into a never-ending fever, you keep getting stuck with shitty shifts (how many times a month can one person possibly be scheduled to work a double?) and top it all off, you’ve been pissed on not once, but twice in the same fucking shift.
Santos snorts when she sees you go by in your third set of scrubs for the day.
You shoot her a look. “Supportive as ever, Dr. Santos.”
“I try.”
You sink into the chair next to hers, taking a moment to press the heels of your hands into your eyes and maybe, like, take a thirty second nap.
It doesn’t help much.
There’s a particular misery in watching the day-shift rotation handoff with the night shift and not being able to join in the process. Because you’re still there. And will be, until you see them again for your handoff, in twelve fucking hours.
Patients tend to get bitchier the later it gets, and it’s one of those nights where every patient bleeds into the next in a never-ending sea of complaints, pain, and fixing.
The fixing is fine. You like the fixing.
You’re just… having a hard time keeping up with everything while the fever perpetually runs you down. It’s the kind of thing where no amount of sleep can help you. Unless it was for 48 hours straight and then you got another 48 hours off after that to relax while you’re awake, and then another 48 hours to be productive.
A vacation. A week off. You’re describing taking a week off work. It’s comical, actually. Imagine requesting a week off from work. Gloria or whoever it is would never grant that. Not as an intern.
You notice Jack lingering around your general vicinity, which is fairly normal on a night like tonight. Technically, as the only intern on shift, you’re the only liability he has to really worry about.
Somewhere around the eighteen hour mark, he slides into the chair next to you while you’re charting.
“You’re flagging.”
Your eyes burn as you tap information into the tablet, then check on the computer in front of you. “I’m fine. I just need a Redbull or something.”
He slides the tablet out of your hands. “Part of being a good doctor is knowing when to take a break. Can’t be a good doctor if you’re falling asleep during the exam, right?”
“I would never fall asleep during an exam.”
He shrugs. “I’ve seen it happen.”
Jack jerks his head towards the break room. “Take five. Get an energy drink or whatever. Then I want you on chairs for at least an hour.”
“Yes sir.”
He rolls his eyes. “Get going.”
Chairs don't prove to be as uneventful as you (and probably Jack) hoped it would be. You get vomited on by a teenage girl, who apologizes profusely when she finally manages to stop throwing up, narrowly avoid a swing from a patient that quickly becomes a behavioral case, and become an unwilling participant in another patient’s doctor fantasy.
Security had to get involved with that last one. It was. Something.
Your shift ends with little fanfare. It’s honestly a miracle you survived. You’re exhausted, achey, and still feverish. The only thing you can think about is crawling into your bed, indulging in a rare expense of turning your heat up, and sleeping until your next shift.
Walking into your apartment ends up being a slap in the face. First of all, it’s fucking freezing. As if you left every single window open while you were gone. Secondly, it’s dark. Like, not even the clock on the microwave is on.
“Fuck,” you mumble under your breath, tears beginning to burn with unshed tears digging through your bag and fumbling with your phone, about to text your landlord when you see that he’s already texted.
Eric (Landlord): Power and AC is down. Might take some time to fix. Power should be back on by tonight.
And that’s just the last straw, really.
You slam the door behind you, not even bothering to go inside your apartment at all, chest tight and face hot, you race down the stairs, trying to find Samira’s contact through blurry eyes. When you think you’ve found it you click call, collapsing on the curb with your body doubled over, crying like a crazy person into your knees, at something like nine in the morning.
The phone rings for a bit, and you’re about to give up when the line finally stops and somebody picks up.
“Hello?”
It’s not Samira who answers. It’s Jack.
You sniffle. “Why are you answering Samira’s phone?”
“I didn’t. I answered my phone. Because you called me. Are you okay?”
“Oh,” You decide to ignore his question, “I meant to call Samira. Sorry.”
“Wait,” Jack’s voice comes out all rough and tinny through the speaker, but even distorted through a phone, you could listen to it for hours, “Answer the question. Are you okay?”
Your bottom lip wobbles dangerously.
“The power’s out in my building. And the heating went out too. My landlord said the power won’t be on until tonight, and I just wanted to go to sleep, but it’s cold and I'm tired and this stupid fever won’t go away.”
“Do you have a place to stay?”
Always a man of action, Jack is.
You shrug, then make a non-committal noise when you remember he can’t see it. “I was supposed to call Samira and see if she’d let me sleep on her couch.”
“I have a guest bedroom.”
The statement hangs in the crisp morning air. You think of Jack’s encouraging advice, Jack’s steady presence, Jack’s warm car and his nice smelling rain- jacket. Jack, Jack, Jack.
“Jack?”
“Yes?”
“What’s your address?”
The drive over involves bawling your eyes out to Vienna by Billy Joel. It’s just that kind of day.
You have no problems finding parking (miraculously) and no one stops you as you head up to Jack’s apartment as directed.
It’s… fancy. Like, polished floor lobby, lounge area adjacent to the front desk fancy.
The actual building itself isn’t very tall, nothing like a skyscraper, so it’s not exactly surprising that Jack’s apartment is the penthouse. It’s just suddenly very awkward standing in front of the door, in the same sweatshirt you’ve had since high school, sweats that have seen better years, looking exactly like the kind of girl who sobbed on the ride over to Billy Joel.
Jack opens the door almost immediately after you knock, and.
If seeing him in scrubs was bad, it doesn’t hold a fucking candle to him in a tight, army green shirt and grey sweatpants. Grey sweatpants. That couldn’t have been intentional, right? Is he online enough to know these things? God.
His features soften when he takes in your tear-streaked face and disheveled appearance.
He makes a low noise in his throat.
“Oh, you poor thing. Come here,”
Jack had actually been gesturing to the apartment, saying ‘come inside’ but the dam breaks the moment he says “poor thing” and you don’t have the wherewithal to think anything more complex than “Jack=Comfort and Safety".
Your bag drops with a dull thud onto the ground and then you’re crashing into him, face pressed into his chest and arms wrapped around his middle. You can barely find it within yourself to be embarrassed.
Jack doesn’t react at first, going completely stiff in your hold, and you think maybe you’ve gone and fucked this up too, like everything good in your life, but right when you move to pull away a hand finds its way to the back of your head, and another rubs circles on your back.
“Poor girl,” he murmurs, voice a soothing rumble with your ear close to his chest, “They been running you ragged?”
You nod uselessly, feeling raw and cut open— like you’ve been smashed against a rock and everything you keep tucked inside is spilling out and you can’t stop it.
“I’m so tired.” You half-mumble-half-sob into him, a sentiment that feels too light to convey everything that’s happened since you became an intern at the PTMC, and everything else you don’t talk about that happened before.
“I know sweetheart, I know,” Jack is solid beneath your cheek and arms, a lifeboat in a storm. “How about we get you inside and get you warm, huh? That sound nice?”
At the promise of warmth you finally detach from him, shame burning through you when you eye the wet spot on his shirt.
“Sorry,” You say, voice barely above a whisper. “I think I got snot on your shirt.”
“Trust me kid, it’s seen worse.”
He grabs your bag before you can even make a move for it, and you trail behind him into his apartment, attempting to ground yourself by looking around his apartment.
It’s nice. Lived in, not sterile. It doesn’t, actually, look the inside of a dentist’s office, like you were half expecting. Most new apartments have that doctor’s office lobby feel. Not exactly comfortable when you’re a doctor and the goal of home is to not remind you of your job.
Jack hangs your bag on a hook by the door, right next to his own. Something twinges in your chest at the sight.
There’s a feeling under your skin you can’t place as you shuffle into his apartment, something warm and skittish that aches for this to not be a one time thing, to be able to compare the pale morning light you’re watching now to late afternoon sun. To know where he keeps his mugs, what drawer the silverware is in, if he’s got a junk drawer with random shit in it, and what the random shit is. What it feels like to be in his kitchen, shoulders brushing.
But that’s a lot of complicated things to name or voice just past the threshold of the foyer, so you wrap your arms around yourself and toe your shoes off, then pad quietly after him.
Jack is— inviting, or maybe enticing; all those words that beckon the skittish thing closer and it feels just on the tip of danger to obediently sit on the couch he ushers you to.
“By the way,” Jack says somewhere behind you, maybe in the kitchen? “I have a cat. His name is Charlie. He probably won’t come near you, but be warned, he’s an asshole when he wants to be.”
“Oh, that’s fine. I like cats. Especially the asshole ones.”
“That explains a lot of things.”
His statement is kind of loaded, chock full of subtext you don’t care to parse through at the moment.
“Um,” You start, feeling a bit unsteady, “Is— Do you mind if I shower? I kind of smell gross probably, and I feel… grimy. Your apartment seems clean and I’d hate to get my hospital grime on anything.”
Jack just chuckles. “One, I wouldn’t care if you got ‘hospital grime’ on anything because that would be a very hypocritical thing to care about, and two, of course you can shower. Do you have spare clothes?”
“I might’ve forgotten to grab those.”
Another huffy laugh. “That’s fine. You can borrow some of mine. I’ll leave them on the bed.”
That’s like. Wow. Yeah. You’re just gonna borrow some clothes from him. From Jack. You’re going to shower in Jack’s shower and use whatever bodywash he has (hopefully not 5-in-one) and then put on his clothes and you are totally capable of being Completely Normal about these things.
“I already started on dinner when you said you were coming over. Should be done by the time you get out of the shower. Chicken noodle okay?”
Damn Jack Abbot and damn your shitty emotional regulation and damn your life for putting you in these situations.
“Yeah,” You croak, thinking about things like soup and family and being cold and strong and alone, “Yeah that’s fine. Thank you.”
Jack politely does not comment on the fact that soup is reducing you to a tangled heap of emotions and tears, and instead directs you to where his shower is and says to use whatever you want and take however long you want. He says want, not need. You’re not sure if there’s an intention behind the word choice.
Once in the shower, you allow yourself time to cry, to feel awful and self-pitying and all those things that are terrible to go through in front of another person. His shower is expensive and the water is warm and he does not have 5-in-one. There’s a litter box nestled next to the toilet, and it’s not funny, but it kind of is, because Jack would be the kind of guy to look at a litter box and put it right next to the toilet. Everything in its place.
Maybe that’s your problem. You haven’t felt like anything is in the right place in years.
You want to stay in the shower, in the bubble of protection it provides, but the idea of running up Jack’s water bill is enough to guilt you into getting out. You shiver, dry, aggressively attempt to make yourself look less like a wreck at the sink, and then tip-toe into the attached bedroom and carefully pull on the clothes Jack left for you on the bed; a faded, oversized college shirt, and a comfy pair of sweatpants.
They smell like him. You smell like him, like his body wash. The house smells like him. Everything you take in is a pleasant assault of Jack, Jack, Jack.
Enough guilt to fuel an entire room of ex-Catholic’s is the only thing keeping you from snooping around his room. The idea of stumbling upon something private or hidden away makes you feel slimy and gross, so you exit the bedroom and pretend like you don’t feel like a foster dog on its first night home from the shelter.
(Do shelter dogs miss the shelter? Do they miss its familiarity? Do dogs miss anything at all?)
The apartment smells of more spices and good smelling food than you privately thought Jack capable of. You’d read him as the kind of guy to subsist on takeout and maybe like, protein bars. But he’s dutifully stirring a metal pot with all the diligence of the military man that he once was.
Quietly, as if he might throw the wooden spoon he’s stirring with if you make too much noise or take up too much space, you carefully pull out a barstool in front of his kitchen island, the one closest to the door, and haul yourself onto it.
He gives you an examining glance over his shoulder, turns a knob on the stove, then rests his forearms on the island counter across from you. His rather delicious looking forearms, you might add.
“Feeling better after your shower?”
You hum an affirmation, folding your arms and resting your chin on them.
“Isn’t it kind of weird to make soup for breakfast?”
He shrugs. “It’s dinner for us. Or, well, me. I’m not sure your body knows what meal it is.”
He taps a pointer finger rhythmically on the counter. “Any word from your landlord?”
“No. Sorry for… all of this. I know you’re tired.”
“I wish you’d stop apologizing for things I don’t mind doing for you.”
You don’t really know how to respond to that, or what to do with how it makes you feel, so you elect to save it for later. Good at compartmentalizing, ED doctors are.
You clear your throat. “I can call Samira whenever. She’d probably be excited to have girl time. So you know. Don’t feel like— I have other options. If or when you want me to leave.”
“Do you want to leave?”
You wish he’d stop asking questions you don’t want to answer.
You try to play it off, smother your fear and exhaustion with humor. Robby’s kid, through and through.
“Well, I can’t have you getting sick of me. You’re the only person I know who has a very rob-able house if this whole internship doesn’t pan out.”
Jack straightens, shoulders pulling and flexing. “Who said I’d get sick of you? Maybe I like the idea of you in my house.”
“Do you?”
You ask the question before you’re aware of how terrified you are of the answer. But you’ve already said it, and it feels nice to be the one asking the hard question instead.
Jack, likely experienced in this sort of thing, doesn’t look outwardly bothered by it, but he gets a sort-of-sad look on his face, almost like he’s disappointed that you had to ask.
“Have I given you any reason to think otherwise?”
“I don’t know,” You look down, picking at a hangnail to avoid his expression and his eyes and his everything, “I don’t want to assume anything.”
“You’ve already assumed quite a bit.”
You scrunch your face. “That’s different. Those are safe assumptions.”
“Are they?”
“Obviously, it’s safer to assume that you don’t want me to stay here, or at least not for very long, because if I assume that I do I’ll bother you and I want you to—“
You cut yourself off, jaw shutting with a firm click, but the end of the sentence hangs in the air unspoken anyways. It’s not hard to figure out what you were going to say.
I want you to like me.
Jack sighs, and alarm blares are going off in your head and your chest starts to feel tight and cold despite the warmth of his apartment, and then he’s rounding the island and you turn your body to follow him —never turn you back, never let your guard down— and then he’s standing in front of you, over you, and you’re not sure if you want to run or metaphorically curl up at his feet, tail tucked.
It’s pathetic. It’s embarrassing. It’s impossible to ignore.
(What does a shelter dog think, on that first night? Do they hope? Do dogs hope?)
He raises a hand, slowly, giving you a chance to lean away, and when you don’t, it comes to rest on the side of your face, his thumb swiping at the barely-there wetness from earlier tears.
It’s cleaning the cut from the slap, it’s a kindness you can curl into, and it might be a threat. Might be bad, might turn harsh and painful, might leave without a word.
Unlike that day in the break room, there’s no fluorescent lights to suck any heat out of the room and no gloves as a barrier; as a reminder of who he is, of what you are, of how things work.
It’s just you and Jack, in Jack’s apartment, wearing Jack’s clothes, and pretty soon you’re going to eat food that Jack made. Just for you.
And you think maybe, possibly, if he stops here you could kind of hold onto this moment for the rest of your life and it would get you through being alive and strong and alone, and you’d make it through this, whatever this is, if he stops here.
He doesn’t. He starts talking.
“I like knowing that you’re safe. That you’re taken care of. I like knowing with certainty that these things are true because I’m the one making sure of it.”
Your breath hitches in your chest.
“That’s kind of a lot of work, though.”
He hums. “It is. Luckily, I just so happen to be a pretty hard worker.”
Everything about the current situation is a lot and your nerves are over-taxed and dialed up to hundred, so it’s not surprising that you start crying again.
Jack brings up a second hand to the other side of your face and gently wipes away the tears as they come. It feels sort of like the physical version of everything he’s been doing for you since that day in the supply closet.
“You don’t have to do anything, or say anything, or make any kind of decision right now, okay? We can do whatever you want. I’ll do whatever you want.”
There’s the word choice again; want, not need. Is there a difference? What does the difference mean to him? What does he mean? Why is he doing any of this?
Jack's phone goes off in his pocket, and he steps back, drops his hands, and goes back to the stove.
Jack said you don’t have to make a decision right now, but you kind of feel like if you don’t do something you’re going to be sick with everything that’s swirling and clawing inside you, threatening to burst. Like the very essence of you is going to explode, and your soul will be painted on Jack’s perfectly decorated walls.
That would be something, wouldn’t it.
You stay seated at the island, turning to stare at Jack’s back while he adds the final touches to the soup. He doesn’t talk anymore, but he keeps looking back every few minutes, like he’s making sure you’re still there.
Eventually Jack turns the stove off, dishes up a bowl of soup for you, and sets it gently in front of you. He uses his pinky to cushion the placing of the bowl, so there’s no loud clinking noise when he sets the bowl down.
There’s a tiny sprig of parsley on top of the soup, right in the center. Like a Panera ad for soup in September.
You start crying again, in earnest.
“I’m sorry,” You gasp, pressing the heels of your hands into your eyes. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m— I don’t know. I don’t know.”
You’re hoping the last sentence encompasses an entire lifetime of events, accidents, mistakes, and memories that have never been able to find a place in your head except dead center, at the forefront of your mind at all times, stamped on your forehead for anyone with eyes to see.
Your life hasn’t been wants or choices for a very long time. And here Jack is, giving you an array of both, and saying things like he wants you to want.
“I’ll do whatever you want.”
“Hey, hey hey hey, shhh,” Strong arms wrap around you, tucking your head into a warm chest, effectively shutting off all sensory input that isn’t Jack. “You’re okay, you’re safe, you’re okay, I got you.”
He rubs circles into your back, then switches to tracing shapes, and he lets you cry into him again and he doesn’t tell you to stop, or to calm down, or you’re being too much too fast.
“You’re okay, you’re gonna be okay sweetheart. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
—
You, embarrassingly, fall asleep right there, sitting at the kitchen island over a bowl of soup and twenty-something years of holding up your life with hands that never quite seemed big enough to do it.
You wake up in Jack’s bed, his comforter pulled up to your chin and the clock at the bedside table reading 8:17 p.m. There’s the muffled sound of several voices coming from beyond the door.
Holy shit. What the fuck.
Deciding to ignore the implication that Jack carried you to bed, you mentally take stock of what’s around you.
In front of the clock is your phone (plugged in to charge), a glass of water, and a note with Jack’s handwriting on it.
Kid-
I’ll probably be in the ED for the night shift by the time you wake up. I called Mohan (who called Mel, who was with Langdon, for reasons unknown) to go to your place and grab you some things. There may be people in the apartment when you wake up. You are in no way obligated to interact with them. They have to leave eventually.
Charlie is in the room with you because he hates strangers, but he probably won’t leave the bathroom. Probably. Drink water and eat something, if you can. Text me if you need anything.
The voices beyond the door are, more than likely, the aforementioned individuals who have now seen the glorified closet you call home. It’s not ideal, but you’re wrung out and don’t have the energy to really care. Besides, Samira and Mel are too nice to judge you that hard (you hope) and from what you’ve heard, Langdon isn’t really in a place to say anything.
On one hand, going out there requires socializing. Which, ew. On the other hand, Samira and Mel are the best. Langdon is maybe okay.
Before you can talk yourself out of it, you shuffle out of bed and then continue shuffling to the door, hoping that whatever you look like isn’t too terribly awful.
Samira, Mel, and Langdon are standing around the kitchen island, various takeout containers and bottles of alcohol littering the space. For some reason, Trinity, Dennis, and Robby are also present.
Samira and Langdon are engaged in what looks to be a rather animated discussion-slash-argument, and Mel is standing just a little closer to Langdon than what could be considered normal for friends. Trinity is very obviously ignoring Langdon’s general existence, bickering with Dennis on the couch, and Robby is seated in the armchair by the window, nursing a beer and watching both conversations unfold.
You sniff aggressively, and all heads snap to you.
“There are more of you here then there’s supposed to be,” You grumble, scrubbing at your face. “Why are you all here?”
Mel is the first to speak.
“It was Frank actually!” Trinity rolls her eyes, and part of you wants to share the sentiment, “He figured Trinity would be upset that something happened to you and he knew and didn’t tell her, so Trinity decided that me and Samira would get your stuff while everyone else stayed here in case you woke up before we came back!”
Wow, okay, that’s. A Lot.
You squint. “That doesn’t explain why you’re all here. I mean it does, but only like, why you’re here physically.”
Robby frowns. “We heard that you were going through a rough time and you had to stay with Jack, so we came.”
Trinity snorts on the couch and Dennis, next to her, looks like he’s about to have an aneurysm.
Robby shoots her a look, but continues. “We care about you. We— I don’t want you to feel like you have to do everything on your own. In or out of the ED.”
Trinity blows out a loud sigh and low whistle. “Jee-zus Robby, give the woman some time to wake up before trying to induce tears again.”
Robby does look a little apologetic, maybe a teensy bit chastised (and annoyed that Trinity was the one doing the chastising) and turns his deep brown eyes back to you.
"Sorry. Can't help these Dad tendencies, you know."
Your face gets hot, maybe a tiny, wet prickle behind your eyes forms while Robby smiles, and the tension leaves the room all in one go, and you start to think that maybe things are in the right place.
–
At the ED, Jack Abbot, who's been checking his phone whenever he gets a free moment like a highschooler with a crush, opens the first text that pops up on his screen after hours of waiting.
It's a picture from Robby. You, with your head thrown back in a cackle of a laugh, not a single bit of stress evident in any of the lines of your body. There's one text accompanying the picture:
Please don't make me give you a shovel talk. I think you already know what's at stake here.
Jack snorts and pockets his phone, because yeah, he does.
–
When Jack finally gets back to his apartment, he's half-expecting to see the kind of mess that a large grouping of obnoxious people leave behind. Trash, maybe a few red solo cups, empty takeout containers, someone asleep on his couch, someone passed out on the floor.
He's not expecting to see a clean space. The only evidence that people were there at all is some rearranged pillows, a half-empty bottle of wine on the counter, and some new takeout menus on his fridge.
And then there's you. You're lying on the couch, eyes glued to the TV, watching a show he doesn't really recognize. There's a well-loved backpack on the floor, just under the coffee table. The shocking bit is Charlie, his resident asshole, is 'loafing' right on your chest, purring away.
You lift your head when you hear the jingle of his keys, a smile immediately brightening your face. He mentally takes a picture, right there, so he can remember this exact moment forever.
"What'd you bribe him with?" Jack says instead of something much more neurotic, like 'You don't have to go back to your place when the power comes back on.'
You shrug, unaware of his emotional and romantic pain. "You were right. He came out from under the bed after everybody left. He kind of growled at me for a little bit, but once I settled down here he just kind of... came right up."
You plant a little kiss to the top of his head, right in between furry ears. Great, now Jack's jealous of a senior cat with one ear who licks his own butt. "How could I resist this face? I see why you brought him home."
Jack rounds the end of the couch, shuffling by, and Charlie opens his eyes just enough to shoot him a look that Jack takes to mean: If you make her get up and move me, I will kill you in your sleep.
Jack does not disturb his cat as he sits down on the couch. There's a moment when things almost get hairy- you pull your legs back when he goes to sit, slightly jostling The Asshole, who pins his only ear back in annoyance.
Jack solves this problem by taking your legs, clad in some soft flannel pajama pants and pink fuzzy socks, and lays them across his lap. There. Problem solved.
The warmth of your legs on his lap and the look on your face is reward enough for him. He can't think of a way he'd rather spend his time.
Jack, in a rare show of mercy, does not tease you, and decides that you've probably had enough excitement for one day.
"So," He says instead, looking up at the TV and grimacing at the mutilated corpse on the screen, "What are we watching?"
He watches you shrink into yourself. He hates it when you do that. He hates that you feel like you have to.
"Uh, Bones. I can turn it off, though. I'm sure you don't want to watch this."
He doesn't answer the question you've not-subtly voiced, instead choosing to redirect the conversation.
"Why did you put it on?"
You start chewing on your lower lip. Your signature 'I don't want to answer this question so I'm going to think really hard about it' move.
"It's kind of my comfort show? I don't know. I watched it a lot growing up. We didn't have cable, but the hotels I stayed at sometimes did. I'd wait until my dad fell asleep and then I'd turn on the TV and watch from the sci-fi or drama channels. Watched a lot of Bones. Supernatural too, and sometimes Doctor Who, if it was on. But Bones was my favorite."
The characters on the screen are involved in some sort of car chase now, police siren flashing on a black SUV. Jack isn't paying attention to that at all, because this is the first time since the day you walked into the PTMC and introduced yourself that he's ever heard you talk about your childhood.
"How come?"
"I don't know. I've always liked procedural shows. Had a huge House MD phase. Death and bones and corpses and stuff has never really grossed me out, which is part of the reason I became a doctor. But also..."
You point to the male character. "You see him? That's Booth. Seeley Booth. They all have kind of crazy names. He's an FBI agent, and his partner is that woman there. Temperance Brennan. Booth calls her Bones."
"She doesn't look like an FBI agent."
You smile. "She's not. She's a forensic anthropologist, but she consults on murder cases and stuff like that because she's kind of a genius. She's smart, strong, and capable. She and Booth don't always get along, because they both can be headstrong and stubborn. But he respects and trusts her, implicitly. No matter what. They love each other."
Your throat bobs, but your voice is steady when you speak.
"And when Brennan needs him, if she's in trouble or she needs him by her side, even if she doesn't know she does, he's always there. He always saves her."
Jack can picture it, in his mind. You, small and alone, watching these characters on some shitty hotel TV and getting it into your head that this kind of thing only exists in TV shows. He pictures you dreaming of having a Booth, of having someone to be there for you, to pick you up when you fall. He thinks of you crying in the supply closet and how quietly you'd done it. Almost silent.
He thinks of what happens to a person to make them learn how to cry without making a sound.
He rests a hand on your ankle, fingers instinctively drifting towards the pulse point there- posterior tibial. He keeps two fingers on it, even though he can't feel it through your fuzzy socks. With his thumb he makes circles, because he's seen how you lean into Robby's shoulder grabs, how you preen at physical and verbal praise, how you'd slumped like a marionette with its strings cut into his arms just yesterday.
"Jack?" Your voice is tentative, unsure.
"Hmm?"
"Am I..." You start chewing your lip again, "Are you— I don't to assume anything. So if I fuck this up and make you uncomfortable—"
"I want to kiss you."
Jack has learned how to speak fluent you. He knows how to stop an incoming spiral, how to soothe old wounds rearing their heads.
He continues when you don't speak.
"I want you to wear my clothes. I want to take care of you. I want you, in whatever way you'll let me."
"Oh."
"I was laying it on pretty thick, kid."
You look away from him, and this is another moment he'd like to keep forever.
"I thought I was just reading into things!"
"Do you think I call every intern sweetheart?"
Jack is positive Charlie's presence on your stomach is the only thing keeping you from actively squirming in place.
"I thought maybe you were just one of those guys. Samira said it was possible!"
He rolls his eyes. "You can't ask Mohan for romantic advice. She's you in a different font."
"I'm going to take that as a compliment."
You turn back to your show, losing yourself in the plot for a while. When the murderer has been caught and the credits are playing, you look at him again.
"We don't. Um. Can we just keep doing this? For now?"
For the first time since meeting you, Jack gets to say exactly what he's thinking.
"We can do this forever. We can do whatever you want."
author's note: wrote this one in response to this lovely ask i received earlier today:
"Omg but like, the reader being so flirty with jack all the time (secretly is in love with him) amd he just smiles and shakes his head but he loves the attention from her then one day she sees him ask dr al hashimi for beers and she assumes he asked her out on a date and she backs off and stops flirting and barely even looks him in the eye because if she does she'll fall apart and abbot doesn't understand why she stopped flirting and tries to give her openings for her usual flirty lines but she doesn't bite anymore and just the she fell first, he fell harder stuff it's soooooogood😭😭"
thanks so so much to the lovely @stuffingbuttsandshit for this message (i fw your username sm) and i hope i did it justice. please never be afraid to send me a request, and thank you for all the support, it means the world !!! also, i'm back into my teaching job tomorrow, so this will be the last of what you'll hear from me for a couple days <3
pairing: jack abbot x resident! reader
word count: 4.1k
warnings: miscommunication/misunderstanding trope! medical inaccuracies, reader is a resident but no mention of age, no specific phsyical attributes to certain gender mentioned, also not proofread!
songs i listened to while writing this: so easy (to fall in love) by olivia dean, easy by the commodores, purple by wunderhorse, when we are together by the 1975
description: You flirt with jack every shift like that's what you spent years in med school studying for. When you overhear a conversation between him and another attending, you decide to pull yourself together and face the music - no amount of one sided love would ever change your relationship. At least, that's what you think.
It started out as a joke at first.
It wasn't a calculated one. Not even a particularly brave one. It was a way to find a bit of fun in the middle of a 12-hour shift that tested every line of the Hippocratic oath that you had taken against your better judgement. It was the kind of dumb thing that slipped out of your mouth during a long shift that should have died an embarrassing death right then and there.
It was harmless flirting. Something to take the edge off. Maybe you should have taken a less, well, serious victim.
"Careful, Dr Abbot," you'd said lightly, half leaning against the nurses station while he was in the middle of catching up on charting. "If you keep looking that good under fluroescent lighting, people are gonna start accusing you of witchcraft."
Jack had looked up from the keyboard he was typing away at with that familiar flat, unreadable expression and the smallest hint of amusement at one corner of his mouth. The entire nurse's station had gone quiet, and if you hadn't known any better, you might have thought an elephant had waltzed into the room and taken his seat in trauma room one. You watched as Mel looked up so fast she nearly gave herself whiplash, which is what made you realise you may have taken it too far, because to be honest, Mel usually passed no heed on your usual antics.
Jack had lifted his eyes to yours, studying you for exactly two seconds, then given one slow shake of his head.
"I could do with a check-up on our food poisoning patient in room 4, doctor y/l/n."
That had been it. No scolding, no shutdown, no sharp reminder of professionalism. You ran the image of that twitch in the corner of his mouth over and over again in your head that night like a teenage girl with a crush on her best friend's brother. Or in this case, more like her best friend's dad.
So naturally, because you were a glutton for punishment and loved the thrill of tethering on the edge of something hopeful, you did it again.
And then again.
And somehow, over the next few months, flirting with Jack became a part of your regular shift rhythm, as natural as grabbing gloves from the wall or stealing sips of stale coffee between traumas. You called him handsome under your breath while passing in the hall. You leaned into his space during chart review just to watch his jaw flex. You told him he was ageing like your favourite bottle of red, which had earned you a long, suffering stare and a low, "Jesus Christ."
You did it at first because it was fun. A way to pass the time. But as the months went on, and you moved from junior to senior resident, the truth behind your incessant flirting became a lot more embarassing than you ever wanted to admit.
You were smart. Too smart. Educated and graduated at the top of your class, saved countless lives on the daily and still had time to feed your tabby cat at the end of it all. So there was no reason why your stupid, dumb brain had decided to fall in love with your attending.
You flirted, because you were in love with him. With Jack.
You had been for longer than you wanted to admit to yourself. Long enough that the whole thing had settled beneath your ribs like a live wire. It was warm, and humming, and a little dangerous. Long enough that it had stopped feeling like a crush and started feeling like something worse.
The problem was, Jack never really gave much away.
He liked the attention, you knew that. You weren't imagining that part. He never stopped you. Never looked annoyed in any serious or real way. There was always that familar tiny shake of his head, that almost-smile, that quiet tolerance that was so stupid adorable and somehow felt more intimate than an outright encouragement would have.
But Jack was Jack.
Steady. Closed off. Impossible to read unless he wanted to be read. So you flirted, and he let you, and you told yourself that that was enough for now. You were a resident, and he was your attending. You weren't naive enough to believe that he would ever take a relationship with you seriously.
And you know, maybe it would have been. If you hadn't caught him mid conversation with Robby's sabbatical replacement, Dr Baran Al Hashimi.
It happened halfway through a nightmare shift when you were running on little else but caffeine and instinct, and the Pitt had that strange, overstretched feeling it got when every room was full, and everyone inside them was talking too loudly. You were cutting through the hall outside the break room with a chart tucked to your chest, already halfway to Trauma Two in your head, when you heard Jack's voice from inside.
It was common to catch Jack in during the day shift, and you wouldn't have stopped if he'd been talking to anyone else. But you caught Al Hashimi's laugh first. Low, and brief, and then Jack saying, "You want to grab that beer later?"
Your feet stopped moving before your brain caught up. There was no hesitation in the question or audible awkwardness. No heaviness to it that made it sound work-related. It sounded easy, casual. Like asking someone out. You wondered if he was shaking his head in that way he did with you.
Al Hashimi said something you didn't fully hear, because by then your pulse had gone loud in your ears. You self-diagnose with mind-numbing tinnitus and prescribe yourself a huge dose of amitriptyline. The ringing grows louder as you watch her smile, small, but warm, and nodded once.
"Yeah," she said. "I'd like that."
And that was it. So, you kept walking before either of them could see you standing there. By the time you eventually got to trauma two, your face was perfectly composed and your stomach felt like it had dropped through the floor. It was ridiculous, really.
Jack had never promised you anything. He had never flirted back in the way you flirted with him. Never said anything you could hold up in your defence. He just let you tease him and seemed to enjoy it. That was not the same thing as wanting you. And Baran Al Hashimi was gorgeous, and strikingly intelligent, and better yet, an attending. You heard that she had worked overseas doing humanitarian work in Afghanistan. She was everything you weren't and more. Of course Jack would want her. God, you didn't blame him.
So, you stitched up a teenager's chin and reassured a frantic mother and signed off on discharge paperwork with steady hands, all while something sore and humiliating tore through your chest and the ringing in your eyes got louder.
Then, because apparently the universe had a cruel sense of humour, Jack found you by the supply closet twenty minutes later.
"There you are," he said.
You looked up automatically and cursed yourself. And there he was. The same broad shoulders, same tired eyes, same infuriatingly unreadable expression.
Usually, by instinct, you would have said something. Nice of you to finally show up, handsome. Missed me? Something stupid and teasing and light enough to keep the whole thing moving. To keep that little nugget of hope that lived between your ribs aflame.
Instead, you just held out the chart in your hand.
"Dana needs your signature on this."
Jack took it, but his eyes didn't leave your face.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine."
"You don't look fine-
You cut in, begging to be finished with the conversation, and forced a small smile. "All good, really."
His brow furrowed almost imperceptibly. It was the first time in almost a year that you'd walked away from him without giving him something. And Jack, as it turned out, noticed immediately.
The following night, you called him Dr Abbot during rounds. It came out before you could stop it, a verbal guard you decided to throw up to protect yourself from more hurt that wasn't even his fault. Not Jack, not any of your usual easy little digs. Just Dr Abbot, flat and professuonal and wrong enough that his head lifted from the chart like you'd said something in another language.
He looked at you for a second too long.
Then he said, "You sick or something?"
You pretended to not know what he meant. "Nope."
"Then why are you acting weird?"
"I'm not acting weird?"
Santos, standing two feet away with a pen tucked behind her ear, visibly turned her whole body to watch.
Jack's mouth flattened, unreadable. Shocker. "Don't do that."
"Do what?"
He looked like he wanted to say it outright, but with half the team standing around the nurse's station and Lena calling for updates across the room, all he ended up saying was, "Never mind."
But it wasn't never mind, because you kept doing it. You stopped leaning into his space. Stopped giving him those easy openings for banter. Stopped calling him old man, stopped telling him his curls looked good, stopped stealing sips from his coffee and dropping protein bars in his pockets when you passed him in the hall.
At first, Jack felt confusion, which quickly turned into a gnawing annoyance he couldn't shake. By the third shift, with no change from you, the whole thing had become impossible to ignore.
You were charting at the nurse's station when he came up behind you and set a fresh cup of coffee down by your elbow. A sleek, black takeaway cup that looked suspiciously like the one from the new bakery across the street you talked about going to with Santos before shift.
You looked at it, and then at him. Usually, this would have been an easy way in. What, no little heart on the lid? Starting to lose your touch, Abbot? Anything, anything would do.
Instead, you said, "Thanks."
Jack stared at you.
"Thanks?"
You blinked at him. "What?"
"That's all I get?"
You looked back at the screen where your chart lay half full. "It's coffee."
"It's your coffee. Two shots, and vanilla creamer. I made sure they used the barista oat milk you always rant on about."
You kept your eyes on the screen, even though every bone in your body was begging you to reach out and touch his forearm in thanks. "Oh, well, thank you very much, Dr Abbot."
He stood there for another beat, arms crossed, like he was waiting for the rest of it. When it didn't come, he muttered, "Right," and walked away.
Across the station, Santos leaned slowly towards Whitaker.
"This is sooo much worse than I thought."
Whitaker looked nervous. More than usual. "Should we..do something?"
"No," Santos smirked. "Absolutely not. This is premium entertainment."
Javadi, creating a circling motion with her hand towards the direction of you and Jack, said, "That looked like some form of attachment rupture."
Santos pointed at her while still looking over at you. "You are absolutely right."
You ignored them all and kept writing. Any acknowledgement and you'd have to crawl into a hole and die of embarrassment and humiliation. You think that actually might be a better way to go then facing Jack again the way you just did.
Four days go by. Four days of you being perfectly pleasant and professionally distant and absolutely miserable about it. You felt like like a three year old kid sulking in the corner after being refused ice cream for dinner.
Jack still tried, in his own strange, increasingly irritated way, to hand you opportunities you no longer took. You didn't read them as openings anymore, couldn't let yourself slip again into the realm of hoping it meant anything more than trying to get through a shift in one piece.
By the end of the week, Dana got involved.
She caught you restocking suture kits in a supply alcove and leaned against the doorframe with the expression of a woman who already knew the answer and was just waiting for you to say it out loud.
"What'd you do to him, hon?"
You kept your eyes on the shelf. "Nothing"
Dana snorted. "Honey, I know I'm in day shift territory, but I have known Jack Abbot for too long to miss when he's sulking."
"He doesn't sulk"
"He absolutely does. He's just old enough to do it quietly."
You smiled despite yourself. If Jack was here right now, you'd make a joke about old dogs not being able to learn new tricks, or whatever that saying is.
"There it is," she said, poking an accusatory fingernail at your shoulder. "Tell me what happened, kid."
You hesitated, fingers tightening around the pack of gauze. Dana Evans had a way of dragging honesty out of people with nothing but eye contact and a gaze that reminded you of your mother. You make a mental note to call her after shift and apologise for every time you've ever talked back to her.
"You know Al Hashimi? Robby's stupidly hot replacement? I overheard him ask her out"
Dana let out a laugh - no - a cackle. Dana was cackling at you.
You frowned. "Dana! Seriously, I know, it's not like I'd have any chance with him, but I just thought, just maybe-"
"You are a total idiot."
"Dana."
"She was going to a trauma conference with one of his old friends from the military and he asked if she wanted to talk to talk about it over a beer."
Your grip loosened on the gauze, and you turned to stare at her.
"Sorry, what?"
Dana crossed her arms. “Robby asked him to get her thoughts on some presentations he's gonna miss on his sabbatical. He's tryna suss her out, you know."
Your stomach dropped all over again, but this time for an entirely different reason. If your first option was crawling into a deep, dark hole, well, this option would have to be something far worse. Like, being shot from a canon, butt naked, while every one of your ex-boyfriends watched.
Dana's expression softened just enough for you to recognise her natural maternal instinct taking over. "You really thought he was asking her out on a date?"
You nodded, slowly. You ran an exhausted hand over your face, hoping the ground would come and swallow you whole.
Dana shook her head then, taking your shoulder in her hand and rubbing softly, a comforting presence that took you out of your head. "Baby, that man has been halfway in love with you since before Christmas."
You didn't acknowledge it until she was already pushing off the doorframe, walking away with that irritatingly final air of hers.
"What?!"
That made everything worse. So, so much worse.
Because now, you had no excuse. Now it wasn't about Al Hashimi, not really. It was about the fact that if Dana was right, if Jack had wanted your attention all this time, if all those tiny almost smiles and deliberate little openings had meant what you'd wanted them to mean - then you had spent four days acting like a stranger because you were too scared to ask, and too damn immature to think of any other possible situation.
That night, you slipped into the stairwell in between consults to breathe for exactly thirty seconds and maybe lightly bathe yourself in peace. Then, the door opened, and there he was, filling the space with the same steady presence that always made it feel a little smaller, and a little warmer.
He shut the door behind him, and you waited for the onslaught of questions.
"You gonna tell me what the hell your problem is?"
You stared at him over the railing. There was no real heat in his voice, but there was frustration. And beneath that, something else, something tighter.
"Uh, nothing?" You cursed yourself for making it sound like a question you definitely knew the answer to.
"Try again."
"Shouldn't you be working?"
"Yeah," he said. "I should be. But instead, I'm here. Because you've spent four days acting like you don't know me anymore."
Of all the things you expected him to say, that one landed harder than you expected. You looked away. Embarassment was a feeling that you were getting far too used to.
Jack waited a beat, then came down two steps so he was closer, though not close enough to touch.
"You stopped flirting with me." You laughed at his bluntness. He continued.
"You won't look at me. You won't call me Jack. I spent fifteen minutes of my twenty minute break time arguing with a lady in a bakery the other day about how she had to use the milk I brought for your coffee, and all you could say was thanks?"
The obvious edge of offence in that almost undid you. Load the canon now, doctor!
You said quietly, "I heard you ask Al Hashimi for a beer."
Jack turned and blinked at you, and for one second, his face went completely blank. Then he stared at you like he'd just discovered the source of a leak that had been flooding his basement all week.
"That's why?"
You swallowed. "Um, yeah. I assumed, you know. You, gorgeous woman, a beer. Date territory."
"That wasn't a date."
"It wasn't a date."
"No." He let out a breath through your nose. "Robby wanted me to ask her about this conference. We were talking about work. He's cagey about her, taking over his ER and all."
"Oh."
"Yeah," Jack said.
He continued, his eyes narrowing slightly. "Why would that matter, anyways?"
You laughed once, sharp, and utterly miserable. You were so far past the point of humiliation, you might as well get it all out now. "Seriously?"
"Yes, seriously."
You looked at him then, really looked at him. And you saw it, that he genuinely didn't understand. That whatever this had been to him, it had not included the possibility that you'd step back so quickly. That made it worse somehow. Better, too, But mostly worse.
You looked down at the stairwell floor and said, because apparently there was no salvaging you dignity now. Here goes, you guess. "Jack, I don't know how to say this without, just saying it. I-I'm, in love with you"
Then the words sat there. Plain, horrible, real. For a second, that felt like so much longer, neither of you moved.
Jack broke the silence, very quietly, "You're kidding."
Your head stayed staring at the ground. That was it, there was no going back now. You tried to ignore the intense stare you could feel burning two holes through your head.
"You're in love. With me?" he repeated.
Heat climbed your face, and you couldn't believe this was happening right now. Is this not an ER? Does nobody with a GSW want to come through and interrupt your lovely moment here?
"This is deeply humiliating, so, if you could not-"
"Jesus Christ." He laughed once, and your heart fell into your ass and ran fifty miles in the opposite direction.
Then he came down the last two steps and stopped right in front of you.
“You thought that was one-sided?”
Your mouth opened. Closed.
“I flirt with you constantly and you smile and shake your head,” you said weakly. “What was I supposed to think?”
Jack looked at you like that was the most ridiculous sentence he’d ever heard.
“I never stopped you.”
“That doesn’t mean—”
“I wait for it.”
You blinked.
His jaw flexed once, like he was annoyed you weren’t getting there fast enough.
“I know what time you usually get coffee. I know when your shift starts from the sound of your shoes in the hall. I know when you’re about to make one of those stupid little comments because your whole face changes before you say anything.”
Your heart was pounding now, hard enough to hurt.
Jack took one more step closer.
“When you stopped, the place felt wrong.”
That did it.
That cracked the whole thing open.
You looked at him and saw it all at once. Every quiet little allowance he’d made for you, every almost-smile, every opening he’d handed you on purpose just to hear what you’d say.
You whispered, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He huffed out a humorless laugh. “I thought I was being obvious.”
You let out a wet, startled little laugh of your own, because of course he had. Of course Jack Abbot thought silently orbiting someone and letting them flirt without interruption counted as emotional transparency.
“You are a disaster,” you said.
“So are you.”
You smiled despite yourself.
His gaze dropped to your mouth for the briefest second before lifting again.
Then, in a voice gone rougher somehow, he said, “Say something.”
“What?”
“One of your lines.”
You stared at him.
Jack looked almost impatient now, but there was something fragile hidden under it too, something he would probably deny to the grave.
“You’ve had one ready every shift for 9 months,” he said. “Say it.”
A laugh caught in your chest.
Then, softly, because it felt different now and somehow still exactly the same, you said, “You know you’re ridiculously handsome, right?”
Jack shut his eyes for half a second.
When he opened them, there was that tiny head shake again, the one that had started all of this.
“Jesus,” he muttered, and then he kissed you.
It wasn’t tentative, or rushed either.
It was the kind of kiss that felt held back for too long, warm and sure and a little bit annoyed, like he was making up for the fact that both of you had apparently been idiots about this. Your hand came up to the back of his neck automatically. His slid to your waist, steady and firm, drawing you in until you had to grab the front of his shirt just to hold onto something.
When he pulled back, his forehead rested briefly against yours.
“You done making assumptions?” he murmured.
You laughed softly, breathless. “Maybe.”
“That’s not good enough.”
“Okay,” you said, smiling. “Yes.”
“Good.”
You looked up at him. “You loveeeeee me!"
Jack’s mouth twitched.
“Don’t start.”
“You do.”
He leaned back just enough to look properly annoyed. “You really want to have this conversation right now?”
“Yes.”
He sighed in that long-suffering way of his, but you could see the amusement sitting just under it now.
“You realised it first” he said.
You grinned. “Yeah, okay, but mine was slow. Yours was like, falling off a cliff into a stream of like, love crocodiles .”
Jack looked at you for a second, then gave in with a tiny shake of his head.
“Yeah, okay ” he said quietly. “Shut up.”
Something in your chest melted completely.
You kissed him again before he could ruin it by pretending he hadn’t said that. This one made him laugh against your mouth, just for a second, and then his hand tightened lightly at your waist and he kissed you back.
When you finally pulled away, there was a muffled voice from the other side of the stairwell door.
“Are they in there?”
Damn it Trinity.
You dropped your head briefly to Jack’s shoulder and groaned. “I hate this hospital.”
“No, you don’t.”
“No,” you admitted. “I really don’t.”
Jack tipped your chin up with two fingers.
“You coming back down?”
“Do I have a choice?”
“No.”
You smiled. “Very romantic.”
“I’m not here to romance you. I’m here to stop you making yourself miserable over nothing.”
“Wow.”
“You started it.”
You laughed again, because there it was, that grumpy, teasing edge that somehow made everything feel more like him, not less.
As he opened the stairwell door, Santos nearly fell inward from where she’d clearly been listening.
Her eyes went wide.
Then narrowed. Then widened again.
“Oh my God,” she whispered. “I knew it.”
Jack looked down at her with profound irritation. “Don’t you have a patient to bother?”
Santos, unfazed, looked past him at you and grinned. “So I was right.”
Whitaker, standing three steps behind her looking mortified, asked, “About what?”
She pointed at both of you. “Everything.”
Jack muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like unbelievable and moved past her, one hand brushing your lower back as he guided you into the hall.
Not enough to draw attention.
Just enough that you felt it.
And this time, when you looked at him, he was already watching you with that same tiny, impossible almost-smile.
You smiled back. He shook his head once more, like he couldn’t believe you. But he looked pleased.
summary: in the middle of the worst e.r. shift of your whole career, you catch your not-quite boyfriend, shirtless, in an empty room with another resident. (6.4k)
contents: established relationship/friends with benefits, jealousy (mohabbot take five real quick), angst, hurt/comfort, kinda canon divergent 'cause i wrote this when the spoilers dropped a few weeks ago cw for s2 spoilers, physical assault (a la dana in s1), panic attacks, mentions of blood and medical procedures, mentions of patient death, brief mentions of grief, brief mentions of not eating due to stress n sadness, allusions to smut 18+ (MDNI)
The lamplit room is filled with Jack’s exclusion from it.
You writhe beneath the mussed blankets, still buzzing from the remnants of your orgasm, and watch his shadow move beneath the crack of the bathroom door. You’re still filled by him, still leaking a mixture of him onto the stained sheets below, and yet you find yourself missing him, anyway.
He does not seem as grieved by the distance as you are. He sobered almost instantly from his own orgasm and promptly slid off your body, without another word or a kiss of reassurance shared between you. He’d slipped his prosthetic back on and made a beeline for the adjoining bathroom — where he has been for some minutes now, just pacing, and leaving you to stew in the worry of what you had obviously done so wrong.
“Do you wanna order food?” you call into the quiet, reaching for your phone on the nightstand beside you. You miss once, then twice, with hands still tingling from a soul-ascending pleasure. The screen fills the dim room with a blue-white light that makes you squint until your tired eyes adjust.
“What?!” Jack shouts back, muffled from behind the door. The hissing faucet shuts off to a slow drip.
“I said, do you—” You cut off your yelling when the bathroom door squeaks open. Jack appears in the doorway, now dressed in the t-shirt and jeans he’d arrived in. He’s shadowed momentarily by the light behind him until he switches it off again — then he’s painted a dim golden color as he walks back into the bedroom for his shoe.
You hold the thin sheet to your bare chest and shift further up the headboard, bending your knees to accommodate his body when he sits on the edge of the mattress to tie his laces. Your eyes soften, waiting for him to look back at you.
He never does.
More quietly, you tell him, “I asked if you wanted to order food. ‘Cause I don’t really feel like cooking right now and, depending on what you want, we should probably wait to order ‘cause Love Island doesn’t come on for another hour, and—”
Jack’s scruffy chin brushes the thin fabric of his shirt as he turns his head slowly to look at you. There’s a distance in his eyes that cuts you off, like you’re a quick fuck that doesn’t know when to stop talking, like he’s waiting for you to stop so he can get away.
“I think I’m gonna head out now, actually,” he tells you, then returns to knot his laces.
“Oh…” you hum, half-breathless, and pretend his foreign dismissiveness doesn’t tear your chest in two. “Are you… Are you okay—?”
“Yeah,” he shrugs and rises from the mattress. “I’m fine. I just— Need to get home.”
You follow him with wet eyes as he rounds the bed for the opposite side, where his phone and wallet sit on the nightstand and his branded rucksack rests on the floor. “Well, do you want me to wait to watch it with you? ‘Cause then I have to text Princes and tell her not to spoil it for me in the morning—”
“Go ahead,” Jack shrugs, with a faint smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, as he slides the camo strap over his broad shoulder. “I think I’ll survive a week without it.”
Your frown deepens at his joke.
“Did I do something?” you wonder in a meek voice that makes his chest ache.
“No,” he scoffs. “Of course not. Why would you ask that?”
“I don’t know…” you murmur shyly, shifting on the mattress and grimacing slightly when the sticky sheets cling to your thighs. “You never leave right after we have sex, so I— I didn’t know if, maybe… It wasn’t good for your something, or if I said something—”
“No, it was great—” Jack interjects, but cuts himself off quickly thereafter, like he was about to say something he shouldn’t.
The word ‘honey’ was about to roll off his tongue the way it always does when he’s talking to you, but it feels wrong to say it now, for a reason he still can’t name that threatens to strangle him all the same.
“I just gotta go now. Okay?”
At a loss for what else to do, or what else to say that might make him stay, you just nod with a sad smile. “Sure…”
Jack leaves with a polite nod — like the sex was some sort of mindless transaction he’s thanking you for and not something you’ve done quite regularly for the past several months. He doesn’t speak another word to you when he walks out, and doesn’t look back at you once when he shuts the door behind him.
You stew in his absence and forget to eat.
Your tired body functions the following day on nothing but heartache and half a granola bar.
You drown in the bustling emergency department, and in the void of the white screen ahead of you, where you try and fail to do your charting. You can’t quite garner the strength to use your hands, much less use your brain to put letters on the screen that’ll just look like alphabet soup to you anyway. You’re stuck idling in the emptiness inside of you, where your heart withers along with your stomach.
Robby watches from afar, studying you as he flits between patients and residents requiring his attention. He has, self-admittedly, quite the soft spot for you — because you’re the smartest person on this floor and the most sensitive, too, which makes for a great doctor but very often the saddest person you’ll ever meet. He waits for you to correct yourself before he has to step in, and potentially make your day worse than it’s obviously already going.
You don’t move for six minutes straight.
He timed it.
“What is going on over here?” Robby wonders slowly, leaning over the top of the desk and peering down at you with a pair of stern brown eyes.
You blink rapidly to clear the haze of rumination from your vision and shrink into your cushioned seat like a scolded child. “Charting…” you answer with an unconvincing waver in your voice.
“Looks like it,” Robby scoffs with a hint of a smile that gets lost in his greying beard. He taps the desk with his palm and stands to full height again, nodding his head and urging you to follow him. “C’mon. Walk with me.”
He saunters off in the opposite direction of the work station, taking a tablet that Dana hands to him as he goes. It takes a long moment for his words to compute, and you scramble to your feet when he throws you an expectant look over his shoulder. You fall into step with the older man as he drags his glasses from the shirt pocket of his black scrubs.
Robby sets the black frames on the bridge of his nose and wonders aloud with his gaze turned to the screen in his hand, “What’s going on with you today, kid?”
“It’s nothing,” you shrug dismissively, sticking close to the man’s side as you weave within the crowded hall.
He flashes you an unenthusiastic glare in return. His eyes dart between your furrowed brows, to your anxiety-bitten lips (where your teeth dig into the delicate skin even now), to where you wrench the hem of your long-sleeved undershirt into trembling fists. Whatever it is, it’s very clearly not nothing.
“I’m not asking to be polite, kid,” the older man tells you, firm but not entirely unkind. “I can tell something’s wrong, and it’s affecting your work, so— Just tell me.”
You swallow hard and struggle to find the courage to speak, or to meet the man’s gaze as your eyes dart everywhere but back at him.
“It’s about your friend…” you confess in a sheepish murmur that gets lost in the droning of the bustling E.R.
It takes Robby a moment or more to catch your meaning.
“Jack?” he presses, because he knew the two of you were seeing each other, but not that it was quite so serious to warrant the off-day you’re having now. He makes a mental note to ream Abbot out for it the next time he sees him — ‘cause he can’t have any of his residents upset, least of all you.
You nod with an averted gaze. “He’s just… been off—”
“He’s always off,” Robby scoffs.
“Well, not with me,” you tell him, foreignly firm in your quiet argument. “And now he’s not talking to me, and I have no idea what I did…”
“Well, knowing Jack, you probably didn’t do a damn thing,” Robby concedes with a heavy sigh and flashes you a sympathetic look as you turn the corner. “Just give him some time, alright? He’ll come around. He always does. For now, you’ve got a patient in 8 that’s asking for you—”
Before you can make a guess on who it is — though you think you already know the answer — a strong hand wrenches suddenly around your wrist.
The man’s fingers are warm, calloused, and unwavering against your delicate skin. Your heart lurches into your throat at the sudden panic as your chin snaps towards the man towering over you. He’s tall, bearded, rugged, and so angry he’s red in the face.
“I have been waiting out there…” the man starts, taut voice wavering with a withheld fire. “…For four hours. When the hell am I gonna see somebody?”
“How did you get back here?” is the first thing you think to squeak out, because you vaguely recall McKay sending him back to Chairs after taking his vitals some time ago.
Robby steps in then, cutting between you and the stranger to urge him backward and away from you. You rub at your tender wrist when the man’s brutal touch is gone.
“We’re seeing the sickest patients first, sir. So count yourself lucky you aren’t back here,” Robby explains in an even voice, sounding much calmer than he really feels. “But touch anybody in here like that again, and you won’t be seen at all. Got it?”
The man caves with a heavy breath and with his weathered palms splayed in surrender. “I was just asking a question, man…”
“I’ll handle it, boss,” Ahmad cuts in, rushing towards the three of you after catching sight of the altercation from down the hall. He steps between the two of you and the angry patient and ushers him back toward the waiting room.
“Don’t touch me,” you hear the man spit, but complying anyway.
“Trust me, man,” Ahmad quips. “I don’t want to.”
It takes you a long moment thereafter to catch your breath.
It was certainly not the first time you’ve been grabbed by an unhappy patient, and it would certainly not be the last, but you can never quite get used to the fear. The panic is slow to ebb from your veins, even as the man is escorted back to Chairs. You find him sneering silently at you when you catch his eyes, moments before the door shuts behind him.
Robby steps into your tunnel vision, ducking down to meet your gaze with dark eyes glimmering with worry. “You alright, kid? Did he get you?”
“I’m fine,” you answer on muscle memory and muster a smile that doesn’t quite meet your eyes. “I’ve seen my fair share of assholes, Robby. Today, even.”
“Well, yeah,” the man scoffs playfully. “You’re with Abbot— I’m sure you’re an expert at dealing with assholes by now…”
By all accounts, you were not supposed to have favorites at the PTMC. And you didn’t really; everyone who stepped foot into the E.R. got the same level of medical care from you — even the assholes. But Louie Cloverfield was different, special. He was the first patient you ever saw as an R1, and when he kept coming in, and you kept picking up his cases, he became your patient.
If Louie was in, and you were on shift, you were the one tending to him. Always.
So, you stay by his side when he loses his pulse, even when the rest of the E.R. reduces to the inevitable chaos of the afternoon rush — even when you know the rest of your co-workers could probably use your help out there now — even when you know there’s nothing more you can do for Louie to keep him alive.
Sweat beads on your forehead as you kneel at his bedside, pounding firmly at the man’s chest in a feeble attempt to keep his heart beating. You’ve lost feeling in your arms now — they’ve gone from aching, to burning, to utterly numb — but your attempt at resuscitation never stops, not even as dark crimson blood spits from his breathing tube; the clearest sign of blood in his lungs.
Robby watches from the back of the room, keeping a close eye on you and the bodies donned in camo outside the window — as the TEMS unit treats a trauma patient across the way, with Jack Abbot among them. He catches the man glancing around the crowded E.R. for a moment, peering over passing heads for a glimpse of you, before the work inevitably drags him away.
Robby knows you have not yet noticed Jack’s presence.
You’ve got the sort of tunnel vision you always get in a crisis, when you refuse to move on until you’ve helped the person in front of you first — which has undoubtedly made you the very backbone of the PTMC patient satisfaction score, though at a detriment to yourself perhaps. Because you never know when to stop; and then, when you inevitably have to, you’ll always find a way to blame yourself for it.
“Three minutes since the epi,” you hear Perlah say, over the sound of your pounding heartbeat in your ears.
“Hold compressions,” Robby commands.
You stop on instinct, and feel the ache done into your bones. You exhale heavy breaths as you wipe sweat from your brow with the back of your gloved hand, careful to avoid the drops of blood spotted there. You feel like your chest is tearing in two when that same, menacing beeping sound fills the air.
“Aystotle,” Robby sighs. “Resume compressions.”
“Give me another amp of epi— and more suction,” you say through panted breaths, situating your palms back over the older man’s sternum. You look past the rogue flyaways falling over your eyes and the nurses crowded around you, peering at Robby with a determined but no less pleading gaze. “What do we do? Should we— Should we give PCC?”
Robby shakes his head with his arms crossed over his chest. “No, it’s too late for that…” he hums sympathetically. “And he’s not an ECMO candidate, so—”
“Well, can you tell me something that we can do?” you snap, harsher than you mean to.
Robby only softens further, dark eyes going tender around the edges as he tells you, “There’s nothing else we can do for him, kid…”
“Robby,” you whimper, flinching like he’s hurt you, but never once stopping your compressions. “C’mon. Please, we can— We can think of something— We still have two more rounds of epi, maybe it’ll—”
You exhale a punched-out breath, like not being able to save Louie hits you like a fist to the stomach. Your aching arms tingle with numbness when you part from the unconscious man. That wretched beeping fills the air once more, ringing through your ears and pounding skull.
“12:07,” you hear Robby announce the time of death, as Perlah’s soft hands grasp gently at your shoulders.
“C’mon. I’ll clean up,” the woman tells you, sniffling. “You take a second.”
“I’m fine,” you shrug, half-strangled, as you slip the bloodied gloves from your half-numb hands. You blink back burning tears as you walk them to the trash.
“You’re not,” Robby murmurs, head bowed to meet your averted gaze. “And that’s okay. Just take a second.”
You remind yourself to breathe — in for seven beats and out for eight — as the muffled exam room breaks away into the chaotic E.R. The rest of it becomes a blur in your tunnel vision, and the calls for concern turn to inaudible slurs in your ears.
“Whoa… you okay?” you only vaguely hear Trinity ask as you storm past the work station.
“Fine,” you squeak on instinct, despite the obvious.
“Oh, yeah, he totally croaked in there,” Ogilvie murmurs, as though to gossip with her, but forgetting to be subtle about it.
“Do you ever think before you speak?” Santos quips. “Or is the stupidity genetic?”
Your heavy eyes search for an empty room to duck into, to at least muffle your screams before you cry in front of everyone. There is no patient in the bed in Central 15, so you burst into that one, still struggling to catch your breath.
Your much-needed inhale gets caught in your chest at the sight you find in the corner of the room — Jack Abbot, stripped off his shirt and wiping blood from his stomach, with Samira standing just behind him, tending carefully to the scrape on his back.
Your sneaker scuffs the tile as you still suddenly in place.
The sound of your sudden presence makes them freeze, too. Their heads dart in your direction, gaping with wide eyes and parted mouths as if you’d just caught them doing something terrible. In a way, it feels like you have.
It feels like you’ve stumbled upon some achingly tender moment between them, of which you had been deprived for some time now — because even when Jack was with you, he was a thousand miles away. You wonder if, maybe, a part of him wanted to be here — with Samira, perhaps — and if that’s why he had left you so abruptly last night, as if it had only occurred to him then that you were no longer what he wanted.
You wouldn’t have blamed him for it, if that were the case. You just wish he would’ve told you before now, so it would feel like less of a white-hot knife lodged into the center of your sternum to find him this way.
“Sorry,” you just barely manage to choke out, though it gets lost in a whimper as you fight back the urge to cry.
Jack’s scruffy chest pinches with worry at the crack in your fragile voice and the visibly frazzled sight of you, all wild-haired and glassy-eyed. It hurts him far worse than the wounds burning red-hot on his pale skin now.
“What happened?” he asks, greying brows lowered in concern.
Samira stills with her soft fingers on Jack’s broad, freckled shoulder, touching him with a tenderness he hasn’t let you give him in some time.
“Are you okay?” she wonders, soft with a worry that is always sincere coming from here, but finds you more like a slap in the face just now.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” you answer on muscle memory, then sniffle as you shake your head at yourself. “I’m not, actually— I don’t know why I said that— Louie just died. Pulmonary hemorrhage. And I was just looking for an empty room to cry in, I didn’t mean to… to interrupt…”
“You didn’t,” Jack assures you, parting from Samira to take a step closer to you.
It takes quite a lot of strength from you to turn away from him, instead of leering at his shirtless form or cowering at the gentle look in his light eyes. “I-I’ll see myself out,” you stammer hopelessly. “Sorry…”
You just barely hear Jack calling your name before the heavy glass door shuts behind you.
With nowhere else to go, and not willing to face the embarrassment of walking back the way you came, you make a beeline for the ambulance bay. The automatic doors part for you, and the cool air outside takes your breath away a second later.
Your chest hitches as you inhale a sniveling breath, trying and failing to regulate your breathing. You stand at the edge of the curb with one hand balled into a fist and one hand clutching your aching chest. Your heart’s telling you that you’re having an embolism and you’re about to keel over at this very moment; your brain’s telling you that you’re just having a panic attack and you need to suck it the hell up.
“Hey,” a man calls from further down the sidewalk.
Your head snaps in the direction of the familiar voice. You tense at the sight of the man who had grabbed you earlier, and your aching heart forgets to beat when you see him storming over to you. You find he’s wearing a smile on his bearded face when he’s close enough, but it looks more cynical than kind.
“You’re the nurse who got me kicked out earlier, aren’t you?” he asks.
You don’t have the breath or the bravery to correct him now.
“I’m sorry, sir…” you sniffle, wet-eyed, and turn away. “It’s just… It’s been a long day, okay? I didn’t mean for you to get escorted out. You just scared me, that’s all. I’m—”
You turn to face him again when he’s standing ahead of you. But before the words of an apology can spill from your mouth, his weathered fist collides with your nose.
You hear a sharp crack, a wet whoosh, and then the dull slap of your body hitting the pavement. You grimace when the back of your skull meets the concrete, and struggle to blink away the black spots from your vision.
The very first face you see is Langdon’s, though you’re not quite sure how long it’s been since your eyes have closed — a few seconds, maybe, or several minutes. You’re still lying on the rough pavement when you come to, with Frank’s gentle fingers brushing the hair out of your eyes with one hand and shining his penlight into your eyes with the other.
“There you are…” the man coos. “What happened to you out here?”
You hardly hear him, like he’s speaking to you from underwater. You answer him with a question of your own, lifting your trembling fingers to the dull throbbing sensation in your nose.
“Is… Is it bad?” you wonder aloud, half-slurring. You grimace first at the wet feeling on your cupid’s bow, then at the bright scarlet blood staining your fingertips. You whisper, voice breaking. “Ow…”
“Whoa, careful there…” Mel wavers, rushing from behind Langdon to help you when you try to sit up on your own. She crouches down beside him and takes you by the elbows in a pair of gentle hands. She squints behind her glasses when your inhale rattles in your chest. “Did you fall on your back?”
“Did somebody hit you?” Langdon presses from her other side, bushy brows lowered in worry.
“Wow…” you mumble, blinking hard, and wincing when you taste blood in your mouth. “So many questions…”
Mel and Langdon share a panicked look you don’t see.
“Yeah, c’mon. Let’s go,” the older man sighs, urging you up by the elbows and steadying you when you sway softly in place. “Come with me…”
“I can walk,” you protest through your ragged breaths, and through the blood dripping from your cupid’s bow and into your mouth. You pull your arm out of his grasp when the strength to do so returns to you, and stagger the rest of the way to the entrance until you regain your footing. “Just… Be normal, alright?”
“Right…” Langdon scoffs and fights back the urge to laugh — because you obviously have no idea how you look right now, with the lower half of your face all covered in blood, as if you’ve just been rescued from a bar fight. There’s hardly anything normal about that.
You try to be, anyway, as you stroll through the crowded E.R., hoping to be blanketed by the chaos inside. Everyone’s too busy charting or rushing to patients to notice your being there. You’re five or more steps away from making it to the bathroom when Robby’s eagle-eyed stare locks in on you from behind his computer.
“Jesus fucking Christ…” the older man blurts, sliding off his glasses and rising from his chair. He abandons his work without a second thought and rounds the workstation to rush to your side.
“I’m okay,” you tell him with a dismissive wave of your hand, pressing onward even when you hear his footsteps nearing you. He stops you with a gentle hand on your shoulder and steps in front of you to block your path.
“What the hell happened to you?” he wonders aloud, looking past you to Langdon and Mel as he drags a pair of gloves from his scrub pockets.
“We found her like this,” Frank shrugs.
“I told you to take a break, not get into a bar fight.”
“Ha-ha,” you monotone, then flinch when it hurts to smile. “Ow…”
“Who did this, huh?” Robby asks, cupping your bloodied face in his gloved hands. He runs his fingers over the back of your head first, to make sure you have no wounds there, before pressing his thumbs gently to the apples of your cheeks. “It wasn’t that asshole from before, was it?”
“I didn’t see him,” you lie through your teeth.
“Any trouble seeing? Any double vision?”
You shake your head against his hands, then inhale another rattling breath.
“Did you fall on your back?” he asks you then.
You nod once.
“What about a headache?”
“I always have a headache,” you answer. “I’m fine, Robby. I just need to get cleaned up—”
“Look at you— You’re not fine,” the man snaps. “Now, c’mon. You’re coming with me.”
You have no choice but to follow him when he wraps a firm, gentle hand around your arm, ushering you to walk ahead of him. You ignore the looks and calls of concern from the coworkers around you, except for Mel’s voice, which comes from behind you.
“Should I find Dr. Abbot?” she wonders aloud.
Your head snaps over your shoulder to look at her, and it makes your vision swim.
“Absolutely do not do that,” you answer, a little harsher than you mean to.
“O-kay…” she stammers and trails off.
“In here,” Robby urges, swinging open the door to the nearest empty room. He keeps a steady hand on your back to keep you stable and turns back to Mel before he follows you inside. “Find Abbot,” he tells her.
You lie on your back on the hospital bed while Robby does an impromptu exam. He presses the cold chestpiece of his stethoscope to your skin and listens to your breathing until it evens out again, from where the air had rushed out of your lungs after the fall. He finds your pupils both equal and reactive, and your nose free from swelling or cracking — “Nothing that mother nature can’t fix,” he says, and takes to cleaning you up instead.
“These beds are so hard,” you murmur, shifting uncomfortably with an icepack pressed to your nose, which Princess had brought by some minutes ago. “We should really get new ones in here. How are patients supposed to be comfortable in these?”
“Yeah, I’ll go tell Gloria,” Robby scoffs, dabbing at your nose with a wet wipe. “I’m sure she’ll get right on that…”
He parts from you to chuck the red-tinted napkin into the bin at his side and waits for you to laugh at his stupid joke. You stay silent. You don’t even give him a pity giggle, and you always, at the very least, give him a goddamn pity giggle. His brows furrow in a mixture of confusion and concern.
“Can I ask you a stupid question?”
“Better than anyone I know, Dr. Robby…”
“Ha-ha,” he deadpans, reaching for another wipe with a gloved hand. It’s freezing against the burning skin of your neck as it dabs it gently there. “Why didn’t you want me telling Abbot about this, huh?”
“Because he doesn’t care…” you mumble cynically, almost inaudibly so.
“Oh, c’mon,” Robby scoffs. “Even you don’t believe that.”
You don’t. Not really. You know Jack cares, if only because it’s in his blood to do so. His basic human empathy is what made him such a good doctor. You just aren’t sure that he cares about you in the way you thought he did — in the way you wanted him to — and you’re not quite sure how to voice that to Robby now.
“He’s busy right now,” you answer instead, still half-hidden behind the icepack. “Too busy for me, and I don’t wanna bother him, so… Just drop it.”
Robby flashes you a sympathetic smile that you don’t see as he swipes at the last bit of blood from your skin. “I know he may not act like it, kid, but he does care about you.”
“You’re right,” you mumble. “He doesn’t act like it—”
Jack Abbot bursts into the room like a red-hot flame through a burning house. His broad chest heaves with panted breaths beneath the thin navy shirt he wears in place of his tactical gear, though his camo pants still sit heavy on his waist.
His wild eyes scan your form. “What the hell’s going on in here?” he blurts.
You glare at Robby from behind the icepack. “I hate you.”
“Yeah, I know…” the man sighs, dropping the crumpled wipe into the trash beside him.
“What happened?” Jack presses, more firmly this time.
“Nothing,” you murmur shyly, unable to meet his gaze when he towers at your bedside with his hands on his hips. “It’s not the first time someone’s swung at me—”
“Yeah, but it’s the first time it’s been this bad. Bad enough that someone had to come get me,” Jack argues, made a bit harsher with the concern pinching at his chest. His head whips over his shoulder. “Who the hell did this?”
“Some guy from Chairs, I think,” Robby shrugs. “Name’s Driscoll. Ahmad’s already handling it. He’ll deal with the police.”
“Good,” Jack nods, firm in a way you’ve always adored about him. He was inherently resolute where you were perpetually indecisive. It mostly came in handy when you struggled to figure out what to eat for dinner, not usually in situations like this. “‘Cause we’re pressing charges on this asshole, alright?”
“Honestly, Jack, I don’t care what you do…” you sigh. “But my head is really starting to hurt, and I really don’t feel like handling this right now.”
“On it,” Robby nods, taking the hint and stalking out of the room. He shuts the curtains after him and dims the light as he goes. The noise of the Pitt muffles again when the door closes behind him, leaving you and Jack alone in the not-quite-silence and the not-quite-dark.
“Here. C’mon,” the man urges suddenly, motioning with his chin. “Make room for me.”
“What?” you ask, eyes squinted in confusion as the man turns to sit on the edge of the twin-sized bed, adjusting his prosthetic to swing it over the side.
He gives you an expectant look over his shoulder. “Scooch,” is all he says, in a strangely strong voice despite the very silly command.
You shift on the thin mattress despite your better judgment to make room for him. Jack urges his right leg up first, then his left one second. He settles in beside you and urges the railings up to keep him from falling off the side. You try to do the same, though you possess a lot less strength with only one hand than the man beside you.
Your breath catches when he reaches over you with a strong hand, helping you lift the barrier the rest of the way.
“Thanks…” you mumble, half-shy.
“Don’t mention it,” he huffs politely, with one arm on his stomach and the other curled around your shoulders, keeping you close to accommodate both your bodies on the twin-sized bed. He smells of sweat and musky cologne and antiseptic. It takes everything in you not to melt into his warmth. You remain tense beside him, feeling slightly strange in his hold in a way you never have before.
“I’m sorry about, Louie—”
“You don’t have to do this—” you blurt simultaneously.
His head snaps over to you. He has to jerk his scruffy chin back to look at you properly from the dwindling proximity between you. His eyes dart between your averted gaze and the slowly melting icepack you fidget with like a stress ball.
“Do what?” he asks.
“I didn’t mean to walk in on you and Samira, okay?” you confess quietly, ‘cause any octave higher, and your voice will start to shake. “I wasn’t… I didn’t mean to make it a whole thing, you know? So you don’t have to come in and pretend to be all nice just because you think I’m upset, ‘cause I’m not.”
(Your rambling is hardly convincing in the matter, but he makes no mention of it.)
“Okay. I hear you,” Jack murmurs gently, always so patient with your rambling, even though he can only halfway comprehend it a lot of the time. “But I’m still not sure what Mohan has to do with this—”
Honey, he wants to say, but doesn’t allow himself.
“If you want to be with her, that’s okay— Or if it’s just because you don’t wanna be with me, that’s okay, too,” you explain in a strangely even voice. “But I wish you would’ve just told me, instead of bailing on me last night—”
“I didn’t bail on you—”
“—So then I wouldn’t have to catch you and Samira doing…” you trail off, face screwed. “Whatever the hell you were doing back there.”
“Catching us?” Jack echoes with a laugh you can feel rumbling against your shoulder. “That would imply we were doing something worth getting caught. She just walked in on me while looking for her patient, that’s all.”
“Yeah, well…” you hum, gaze averted to the icepack in your lap. “It seemed pretty intimate…”
“It wasn’t.”
“More intimate than you’ve been with me,” you argue sheepishly.
“Well, not to be crude here, but…” Jack trails off with an audible smile in his voice. “We literally had sex last night.”
“Yeah, and you left,” you spit, turning to look at him for the first time since he stormed in. You wear a wet look in your glassy eyes and a bruise blooming on the bridge of your nose. “And I cried myself to sleep about it. Which means I didn’t get to watch Love Island, which means I forgot to eat, which means I’m running on fumes on what has arguably been the worst shift of my whole life.”
You take a much-needed breath when the words are gone from your mouth.
Jack does not jump immediately to defend himself. He knows he doesn’t deserve it now. He just lets himself stew in your fiery words instead, so you know they’ll have a real impact on him before he responds.
“You’re right,” he sighs after a few long moments. “I’m sorry—”
“Don’t be sorry,” you shake your head at his apologetic tone. “Just don’t… Don’t be so mean, you know? If you don’t wanna be with me anymore, why can’t you just say?”
“Because I do want to be with you,” he answers, weathered features screwed in offense. “How would you ask me that?”
“Because you aren’t acting like it—”
“Because I almost told you that I loved you,” Jack blurts suddenly, in a stern tone of voice that snatches the breath from your lungs. He swallows hard and continues. “Last night, I mean, when we… I almost said it… Because I felt it, but then I… I realized I hadn’t said that to anyone since my wife passed, and it freaked me out.”
“But…” you start in a broken whisper. “Why does that have to be such a bad thing?”
“‘Cause it makes me feel guilty,” Jack answers. “The way I love you makes me feel guilty, like I’m abandoning her. And I… I don’t know what to do with all that… grief.”
You feel your heart aching, for the third or hundredth time that day. You notice Jack’s right hand hanging on your shoulder, how his fingers fidget anxiously there, and how his left hand scratches at the rough fabric of his camo pants — made overwrought by his confession, and unsure what to do with it now.
“Why don’t you just give it to me?” you wonder quietly, then shrug at the confused look Jack gives you a second later. “Your grief, I mean. I can take it. You know, make it a little more bearable for you. So you don’t have to carry it all on your own.”
The softness of your words knocks the breath from Jack’s lungs.
The corner of his mouth quirks in a wavering smile as he blinks burning tears out of his eyes. “Jesus, we're a couple of goddamn sad sacks, aren’t we, honey?” he scoffs a sad laugh and runs his free hand down his scruffy face.
Your lips twitch upward, feeling giddy but fighting it. “That’s the first time you called me that in two days…” you observe distantly.
“What?”
“Honey.”
“Yeah,” he sighs. “I’m sorry for that, too…”
“Don’t be sorry,” you repeat, this time with a smile. “Just— kiss me or somethin’…”
“Gladly,” Jack says with a wider grin.
You tilt your chin up to meet him halfway when he leans down to kiss you. His nose bumps into the side of your bruised one, as your hand reaches for his wounded shoulder. You flinch against each other in tandem.
“Ow,” you whimper.
“Ouch,” Jack winces. “Shit, honey— Sorry.”
“Are you okay?” you ask with a sympathetic scrunch to your features, cupping his scruffy face in your delicate hands. “I haven’t checked in on you yet, I know you’re hurt—”
“I’m fine,” he assures with a shake of his head, leaning instinctively into your touch. “I got a little banged up, but… I’m good now.”
“Promise?” you whisper, swiping an eyelash from his cheek with your thumb.
“I promise. I'll tell you about later,” he nods once and smooths his calloused fingers across your temple, looking at you with a tenderness you’ve been craving all day. “What about you, honey— Are you okay?”
You inhale sharply through your bruised nose and nod on a slower exhale.
“I will be,” you answer honestly for the first time all day.
anyone have some fic recs where the batkids find out about dick’s fight with bruce about Spyral before he actually goes? and they realize dick never wanted to go in the first place and was stuck there with no way to contact anyone? PLEASE PLEASE i need a fic like this to heal my soul
At 18, everyone receive a superpower. Your childhood friend got a power-absorption, your best friends got time control, and they quickly rise into top 100 most powerful superheroes. You got a mediocre superpower, but somehow got into the top 10. Today they visit you asking how you did it.
“Power absorption?” you ask him over your pasta, which you are currently absorbing powerfully. in the background, a tv is reading out what the Phoenix extremeist group has done recently. bodies, stacking.
tim nods, pushing his salad around. “it’s kind of annoying.” he’s gone vegan ever since he could talk to animals. his cheeks are sallow. “yesterday i absorbed static and i can’t stop shocking myself.”
“you don’t know what from,” shay is detangling her hair at the table, even though it’s not polite. about a second ago, her hair was perfect, which implies she’s been somewhere in the inbetween. “try millions of multiverses that your powers conflict with.”
“did we die in the last one?” you grin and she grins and tim grins but nobody answers the question.
now she has a cut over her left eye and her hair is shorter. she looks tired and tim looks tired and you look down at your 18-year-old hands, which are nothing.
they ship out tomorrow. they go out to the frontlines or wherever it is that superheroes go to fight supervillains; the cream of the crop. the starlight banner kids.
“you both are trying too hard,” you tell them, “couldn’t you have been, like, really good at surfing?”
“god,” shay groans, “what i’d give to only be in the olympics.”
xxx
in the night, tim is asleep. on the way home, he absorbed telekinesis, and hates it too.
shay looks at you. “i’m scared,” she says.
you must not have died recently, because she looks the same she did at dinner, cut healing slowly over her eye the way it’s supposed to, not the hyper-quickness of a timejump. just shay, living in the moment when the moment is something everyone lives in. her eyes are wide and dark the way brown eyes can be, that swelling fullness that feels so familiar and warm, that piercing darkness that feels like a stone at the back of your tongue.
“you should be,” you say.
her nose wrinkles, she opens her mouth, but you plow on.
“they’re going to take one look at you and be like, ‘gross, shay? no thanks. you’re too pretty. it’s bringing down like, morale, and things’. then they’ll kick you out and i’ll live with you in a box and we’ll sell stolen cans of ravioli.”
she’s grinning. “like chef boyardee or like store brand?”
“store brand but we print out chef boyardee labels and tape them over the can so we can mark up the price.”
“where do we get the tape?”
“we, uh,” you look into those endless dark eyes, so much like the night, so much like a good hot chocolate, so much like every sleepover you’ve had with the two of your best friends, and you say, “it’s actually just your hair. i tie your hair around the cans to keep the label on.”
she throws a pillow at you.
you both spend a night planning what you’ll do in the morning when shay is kicked out of Squadron 8, Division 1; top rankers that are all young. you’ll both run away to the beach and tim will be your intel and you’ll burn down the whole thing. you’re both going to open a bakery where you will do the baking and she’ll use her time abilities to just, like, speed things up so you don’t have to wake up at dawn. you’re both going to become wedding planners that only do really extreme weddings.
she falls asleep on your shoulder. you do not sleep at all.
in the morning, they are gone.
xxx
squadron 434678, Division 23467 is basically “civilian status.” you still have to know what to expect and all that stuff. you’re glad that you’re taking extra classes at college; you’re kind of bored re-learning the stuff you were already taught in high school. there are a lot of people who need help, and you’re good at that, so you help them.
tim and shay check in from time to time, but they’re busy saving the world, so you don’t fault them for it. in the meantime, you put your head down and work, and when your work is done, you help the people who can’t finish their work. and it kind of feels good. kind of.
xxx
at twenty, squadron 340067, division 2346 feels like a good fit. tim and you go out for ice cream in a new place that rebuilt after the Phoenix group burned it down. you’ve chosen nurse-practitioner as your civilian job, because it seems to fit, but you’re not released for full status as civilian until you’re thirty, so it’s been a lot of office work.
tim’s been on the fritz a lot lately, overloading. you’re worried they’ll try to force him out on the field. he’s so young to be like this.
“i feel,” he says, “like it all comes down to this puzzle. like i’m never my own. i steal from other people’s boxes.”
you wrap your hand around his. “sometimes,” you say, “we love a river because it is a reflection.”
he’s quiet a long time after that. a spurt of flame licks from under his eyes.
“i wish,” he says, “i could believe that.”
xxx
twenty three has you in squad 4637, division 18. really you’ve just gotten here because you’re good at making connections. you know someone who knows someone who knows you as a good kid. you helped a woman onto a bus and she told her neighbor who told his friend. you’re mostly in the filing department, but you like watching the real superheroes come in, get to know some of them. at this level, people have good powers but not dangerous ones. you learn how to help an 18 year old who is a loaded weapon by shifting him into a non-violent front. you get those with pstd home where they belong. you put your head down and work, which is what you’re good at.
long nights and long days and no vacations is fine until everyone is out of the office for candlenights eve. you’re the only one who didn’t mind staying, just in case someone showed up needing something.
the door blows open. when you look up, he’s bleeding. you jump to your feet.
“oh,” you say, because you recognize the burning bird insignia on his chest, “I think you have the wrong office.”
“i just need,” he spits onto the ground, sways, collapses.
well, okay. so, that’s, not, like. great. “uh,” you say, and you miss shay desperately, “okay.”
you find the source of the bleeding, stabilize him for when the shock sets in, get him set up on a desk, sew him shut. two hours later, you’ve gotten him a candlenights present and stabilized his vitals. you’ve also filed him into a separate folder (it’s good to be organized) and found him a home, far from the warfront.
when he wakes up, you give him hot chocolate (god, how you miss shay), and he doesn’t smile. he doesn’t smile at the gift you’ve gotten him (a better bulletproof vest, one without the Phoenix on it), or the stitches. that’s okay. you tell him to take the right medications, hand them over to him, suggest a doctor’s input. and then you hand over his folder with a new identity in it and a new house and civilian status. you take a deep breath.
he opens it and bursts into tears. he doesn’t say anything. he just leaves and you have to clean up the blood, which isn’t very nice of him. but it’s candlenights. so whatever. hopefully he’ll learn to like his gift.
xxx
squadron 3046, division 2356 is incredibly high for a person like you to fit. but still, you fit, because you’re good at organization and at hard work, and at knowing how to hold on when other people don’t see a handhold.
shay is home. you’re still close, the two of you, even though she feels like she exists on another planet. the more security you’re privy to, the more she can tell you.
you brush her hair as she speaks about the endless man who never dies, and how they had to split him up and hide him throughout the planet. she cries when she talks about how much pain he must be in.
“can you imagine?” she whispers, “i mean, i know he’s phoenix, but can you imagine?”
“one time i had to work retail on black friday,” you say.
she sniffles.
“one time my boss put his butt directly on my hand by accident and i couldn’t say anything so i spent a whole meeting with my hand directly up his ass,” you say.
her eyes are so brown, and filling, and there are scars on her you’ve never noticed that might be new or very, very, very old; and neither of you know exactly how much time she’s actually been alive for.
“i mean,” you say, “yeah that might hurt but one time i said goodbye to someone but they were walking in the same direction. i mean can you imagine.”
she laughs, finally, even though it’s weakly, and says, “one time even though i can manipulate time i slept in and forgot to go to work even though i was leading a presentation and i had to look them in the face later to tell them that.”
“you’re a compete animal,” you tell her, and look into those eyes, so sad and full of timelines you’ll never witness, “you should be kicked out completely.”
she wipes her face. “find me in a box,” she croaks, “selling discount ravioli.”
xxx
you don’t know how it happens. but you guess the word gets around. you don’t think you like being known to them as someone they can go to, but it’s not like they’ve got a lot of options. many of them just want to be out of it, so you get them out, you guess.
you explain to them multiple times you haven’t done a residency yet and you really only know what an emt would, but they still swing by. every time they show up at your office, you feel your heart in your chest: this is it, this is how you die, this is how it ends.
“so, like, this group” you say, trying to work the system’s loopholes to find her a way out of it, “from ashes come all things, or whatever?”
she shrugs. you can tell by looking at her that she’s dangerous. “it’s corny,” she says. another shrug. “i didn’t mean to wind up a criminal.”
you don’t tell her that you sort of don’t know how one accidentally becomes a criminal, since you kind-of-sort-of help criminals out, accidentally.
“i don’t believe any of that stuff,” she tells you, “none of that whole… burn it down to start it over.” she swallows. “stuff just happens. and happens. and you wake up and it’s still happening, even though you wish it wasn’t.”
you think about shay, and how she’s covered in scars, and her crying late at night because of things nobody else ever saw.
“yeah,” you say, and print out a form, “i get that.”
and you find a dangerous woman a normal home.
xxx
“you’re squadron 905?”
“division 34754,” you tell him. watch him look down at your ID and certification and read your superpower on the card and then look back up to you and then back down to the card and then back up at you, and so on. he licks his chapped lips and stands in the cold.
this happens a lot. but you smile. the gatekeeper is frowning, but then hanson walks by. “oh shit,” he says, “it’s you! come right on in!” he gives you a hug through your rolled-down window.
the gatekeeper is in a stiff salute now. gulping in terror. hanson is one of the strongest people in this sector, and he just hugged you.
the gate opens. hanson swaggers through. you shrug to the gatekeeper. “i helped him out one time.”
inside they’re debriefing. someone has shifted sides, someone powerful, someone wild. it’s not something you’re allowed to know about, but you know it’s bad. so you put your head down, and you work, because that’s what you’re good at, after all. you find out the gatekeeper’s name and send him a thank-you card and also handmade chapstick and some good earmuffs.
shay messages you that night. i have to go somewhere, she says, i can’t explain it, but there’s a mission and i might be gone a long time.
you stare at the screen for a long time. your fingers type out three words. you erase them. you instead write where could possibly better than stealing chef boyardee with me?
she doesn’t read it. you close the tab.
and you put your head down. and work.
xxx
it’s in a chili’s. like, you don’t even like chili’s? chili’s sucks, but the boss ordered it so you’re here to pick it up, wondering if he gave you enough money to cover. things have been bad recently. thousands dying. whoever switched sides is too powerful to stop. they destroy anyone and anything, no matter the cost.
the phoenix fire smells like pistachios, you realize. you feel at once part of yourself and very far. it happens so quickly, but you feel it slowly. you wonder if shay is involved, but know she is not.
the doors burst in. there’s screaming. those in the area try their powers to defend themselves, but everyone is civilian division. the smell of pistachios is cloying.
then they see you. and you see them. and you put your hands on your hips.
“excuse me, tris,” you say, “what are you doing?”
there’s tears in her eyes. “i need the money,” she croaks.
“From a chili’s?” you want to know, “who in their right mind robs a chili’s? what are you going to do, steal their mozzarella sticks?”
“it’s connected to a bank on the east wall,” she explains, “but i thought it was stupid too.”
you shake your head. you pull out your personal checkbook. you ask her how much she needs, and you see her crying. you promise her the rest when you get your paycheck.
someone bursts into the room. shouts things. demands they start killing.
but you’re standing in the way, and none of them will kill you or hurt you, because they all know you, and you helped them at some point or another, or helped their friend, or helped their children.
tris takes the money, everyone leaves. by the time the heroes show up, you’ve gotten everyone out of the building.
the next time you see tris, she’s marrying a beautiful woman, and living happily, having sent her cancer running. you’re a bridesmaid at the wedding.
xxx
“you just,” the director wants to know now, “sent them running?”
hanson stands between her and you, although you don’t need the protection.
“no,” you say again, for the millionth time, “i just gave her the money she needed and told her to stop it.”
“the phoenix group,” the director of squadron 300 has a vein showing, “does not just stop it.”
you don’t mention the social issues which confound to make criminal activity a necessity for some people, or how certain stereotypes forced people into negative roles to begin with, or how an uneven balance of power punished those with any neurodivergence. instead you say, “yeah, they do.”
“i’m telling you,” hanson says, “we brought her out a few times. it happens every time. they won’t hurt her. we need her on our team.”
your spine is stiff. “i don’t do well as a weapon,” you say, voice low, knowing these two people could obliterate you if they wished. but you won’t use people’s trust against them, not for anything. besides, it’s not like trust is your superpower. you’re just a normal person.
hanson snorts. “no,” he says, “but i like that when you show up, the fighting just… stops. that’s pretty nice, kid.”
“do you know… what we are dealing with…. since agent 25… shifted….?” the director’s voice is thin.
“yeah,” hanson says, “that’s why i think she’d be useful, you know? add some peace to things.”
the director sits down. sighs. waves her hand. “whatever,” she croaks, “do what you want. reassign her.”
hanson leads you out. over your shoulder, you see her put her head in her hands. later, you get her a homemade spa kit, and make sure to help her out by making her a real dinner from time to time, something she’s too busy for, mostly.
at night, you write shay messages you don’t send. telling her things you cannot manage.
one morning you wake up to a terrible message: shay is gone. never to be seen again.
xxx
you’re eating ice cream when you find him.
behind you, the city is burning. hundreds dead, if not thousands.
he’s staring at the river. maybe half-crying. it’s hard to tell, his body is shifting, seemingly caught between all things and being nothing.
“ooh buddy,” you say, passing him a cone-in-a-cup, the way he likes it, “talk about a night on the town.”
the bench is burning beside him, so you put your jacket down and snuff it out. it’s hard sitting next to him. he emits so much.
“hey tim?” you say.
“yeah?” his voice is a million voices, a million powers, a terrible curse.
“can i help?” you ask.
he eats a spoonful of ice cream.
“yeah,” he says eventually. “i think i give up.”
xxx
later, when they praise you for defeating him, you won’t smile. they try to put you in the media; an all-time hero. you decline every interview and press conference. you attend his funeral with a veil over your head.
the box goes into the ground. you can’t stop crying.
you’re the only one left at the site. it’s dark now, the subtle night.
you feel her at your side and something in your heart stops hurting. a healing you didn’t know you needed. her hands find yours.
“they wanted me to kill him,” she says, “they thought i’d be the only one who could.” her hands are warm. you aren’t breathing.
“beat you to it,” you say.
“i see that,” she tells you.
you both stand there. crickets nestle the silence.
“you know,” she says eventually, “i have no idea which side is the good one.”
“i think that’s the point of a good metaphor about power and control,” you say, “it reflects the human spirit. no tool or talent is good or bad.”
“just useful,” she whispers. after a long time, she wonders, “so what does that make us?”
xxx
it’s a long trek up into the mountains. shay seems better every day. more solid. less like she’s on another plane.
“heard you’re a top ten,” she tells me, her breath coming out in a fog. you’ve reclassed her to civilian. it took calling in a few favors, but you’ve got a lot.
“yeah,” you say, “invulnerable.”
“oh, is that your superpower?” she laughs. she knows it’s not.
“that’s what they’re calling it,” you tell her, out of breath the way she is not, “it’s how they explain a person like me at the top.”
“if that means ‘nobody wants to kill me’, i think i’m the opposite.” but she’s laughing, in a light way, a way that’s been missing from her.
the cabin is around the corner. the lights are already on.
“somebody’s home,” i grin.
tim, just tim, tim who isn’t forced into war and a million reflections, opens the door. “come on in.”
xxx
squadron one, division three. a picture of shay in a wedding dress is on my desk. she looks radiant, even though she’s marrying little old me.
what do i do? just what i’m best at. what’s not a superpower. what anyone is capable of: just plain old helping.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol* moon’s stuck in a time loop. do you have extra ammo? this won’t be enough.
nasa employee: enough for…what?
astronaut: *finding extra clip of ammo, pocketing it, and getting back on the rocket-ship* don’t worry about it!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *emerging from supply closet with a space harpoon, getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early astronaut: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: what?
nasa employee: how did you know what i was going to say?
astronaut: *punching in key pad code for base evacuation signal, getting back on the rocket-ship* i told you…moon’s stuck in a time loop.
*red warning lights begin flashing*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *rifling thru bookshelf of operating instructions, selecting one that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: moon’s stuck in a time loop. hey, do you have anything to eat? i’m starving. *opens random drawer, finds nothing, closes it*
nasa employee: a time loo- uh, we don’t have food in here…we can’t…eat in the control room, only the break-room.
astronaut: *sighs*
nasa employee:…my lunch is in like 10 minutes, though, and if my lunch is actually STILL THERE and not STOLEN, AGAIN, i can share it with yo-
astronaut: nah, that’s ok…no time. *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* or…too much time. but thanks, anyway. OK, bye!
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: you’re…welcome? wait, a TIME LOOP?!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: yup.
nasa employee: …?
astronaut: *sitting down next to nasa employee* so…do you ever like…wonder what the meaning of life is? the secrets of the universe?
nasa employee: aren’t you supposed to be ON the MOON?!
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: hey, what the hell is that?
astronaut: that’s the code red override klaxon. moon’s stuck in a time loop. oh, and there’s an explosion imminent. But don’t worry, we can deal with that tomorrow. So, you have any siblings? *pulls beer out of space suit, cracks tab* want a drink?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: do you know frank in IT?
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: do you know frank, who works in IT?
nasa employee: yeah, but why are you guys back so early?
astronaut: moon’s stuck in a time loop. call frank, tell him there’s a virus in the security patch and the system’s compromised. then get the hell out of the base.
nasa employee: wait what? what? where are you guys going?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* back to the moon. it’s stuck in a time loop. call frank!
nasa employee: *picks up phone* ugh, straight to voicemail. i wonder wha-
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: *grim silence*
nasa employee: i said, you guys are back early…hey, what are you…?
astronaut: *randomly opening drawers until they find a pair of scissors and some duct tape, getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
*sticks head back out the door of the rocket-ship* by the way, if you go to the break-room in exactly 2 minutes and 45 seconds, you’ll catch the person who’s been stealing your lunches for the past two weeks.
nasa employee: what?! WHO IS IT?!
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: *running for the break-room* FUCK!!!!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *sits down, sighs, pulls a beer out from their spacesuit* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: …ok, and? hang on, how did you get a beer? you can’t have that in here.
astronaut: what do you know about project floyd?
nasa employee: I mean, the usual amount? i’m not really on the project anymore, why?
*alarm begins blaring*
astronaut: COME WITH ME TO THE ROCKET-SHIP, we don’t have ti-
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: yeah. moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop. see you tomorrow. maybe.
nasa employee: WHAT?!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *sighs, rubs hands over face, and loads pistol, before getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop. and, uh…you should call your mother like you’ve been meaning to. and tell her you’re not actually mad and that you will come to dinner tonight. you’re gonna be hungry.
nasa employee: wait, what? WHAT?? how do you know my mom?! why am i gonna be -
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” starting to get back on the rocket-ship, but dropping everything with a horrendous clatter* FUCK! goddamn moon’s stuck in a time loop.
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon's stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: what? also, hey, where’d you get that duffel bag?
astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” shoving them into the bag, and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earl-
astronaut: *grabs nasa employee and kisses them passionately*
nasa employee: what? WHAT?!
astronaut: *loading a single pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s stuck in a time loop, sweetheart.
nasa employee: what?!?
astronaut: a time loop!!! i love you!!! get out of the base!!! stay alive!!!
nasa employee: *presses fingers to lips, confused but intrigued, as alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee:….
nasa employee:…
nasa employee: ho hum what a regular day at the office
*alarm begins blaring*
nasa employee: what the hell is that?!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back earl-
astronaut: *grabs nasa employee and kisses them passionately*
nasa employee: what? what?! WHAT!?!? also, hey, where’d you get that duffel bag?
astronaut: *grabbing two pistols, an extra box of ammo, a pair of scissors, some duct tape, a space harpoon, and a booklet of operating instructions that says “AIRLOCK MANUAL OVERRIDE INSTRUCTIONS,” shoving them into the bag, then cupping nasa employee’s cheek with free hand* moon’s stuck in a time loop.
nasa employee: the moon’s stuck in a what?!
astronaut: a time loop, sweetheart, but we don’t have much time ourselves, so you have to listen to me RIGHT now
nasa employee: *faintly* …“sweetheart”?!
astronaut: in 2 minutes and a few seconds, you need to go into the break-room and find frank.
nasa employee: wait, frank from IT?
astronaut: yes.
nasa employee: how do you know he’s gonna be in the break-room? i can’t just call him at his desk right now?
astronaut: how do i know this?! because, one, time loop, ok? and…also…because…heismaybetheguywhohasbeenstealingyourlunchfortwoweeks
nasa employee: that BASTARD i KNEW it
astronaut: BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT’S IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW. hey! listen to me! go in there, catch him red-handed with your burrito, and tell him lunch is on you FOREVER if he goes RIGHT NOW and checks the last security patch - because there’s a virus and the whole system’s compromised. then you need to get the hell out of this base, ok?
nasa employee: …ok. ok. and…and what about you?
astronaut: *cocking pistol and getting back into rocket-ship with duffel bag* me? i’m gonna shoot for the moon.
EPILOGUE:
nasa employee: so, how many loops in total?
astronaut: i mean, it was hard to keep track. somewhere around six months, if i had to guess.
nasa employee: damn.
astronaut: yeah.
nasa employee: and in those six MONTHS, the best zinger you came up with was “shoot for the moon”?
astronaut: hey, you know what, i had some other stuff on my mind!
nasa employee: i mean, i guess. it sounded like you found time to flirt with me each time.
astronaut: yeah, like i said. other stuff on my mind.
*they look at each other, blush, and look away*
astronaut: sooooooo. you’re sure your mom is cool with me coming over for dinner?
nasa employee: can’t make the day any weirder. plus, i owe you for ratting out frank, right?
astronaut: he did help us save the world; we can’t be too mad at him.
nasa employee: you’ve had a little while to get over it, i might need some more time. and it wasn’t even your food!
astronaut: ok, that’s fair. what if i buy you lunch to make up for it?
nasa employee: hmm, when?
astronaut: tomorrow?
nasa employee: well, i’ll have left overs from my mom, and you might too if you play your cards right. day after tomorrow?
astronaut: honestly, anytime is good for me.
It would be fun to write a ghost story about a protagonist that disbelieves in the paranormal so hard that it stop existing around them.
They pick a soaking wet teenaged girl ghost in their cab and take her home. They pull up to the house and ghost girl looks longingly out before resigning herself to be sent back to the roadside.
Protagonist is just like, “so that’s $14.50.”
The ghost is surprised, she’s still there. She fumbles for cash but she didn’t die with any.
Does she feel oddly warmer than normal?
The seat more solid against her skin?
The protagonist sighs, “of course.”
They couldn’t just leave a teenage girl out there on the side of the road in the middle of the night, something bad could have happened to her. But he still had bills to pay.
“Come on. This is your parent’s house right? I’ll walk you in.”
For the first time in twenty years the ghost opens the car door and steps out onto the sidewalk.
The protagonist knocks on the front door and her parents, use to the midnight visits, wearyily open the door.
She starts to cry and hugs her parents tight. Apologizing for sneaking out. Babbling about what happened to her. How her friends had egged her into going deeper into the woods. How they had gotten separated. She’d fallen into a river.
Her parents are crying too. She finally made it home. They finally had confirmation of what happened to her. No body had been found so they were never truly sure.
The protagonist awkwardly interrupts, “so there’s still the matter of her cab fair...”
They don’t want to be insensitive but they need to get going and bills don’t pay themselves.
Eagerly her father rummages around in the pockets of his coat hanging by the door and pushing a twenty dollar bill into the protagonist’s hand. He knows it’s more than enough.
They thank the protagonist for bring her home, “keep the change,” they tell him.
As the protagonist gets in their cab and drives away the ghost can feel herself slipping away from life once more. But not back to the river and woods, waiting endlessly for someone to pull over and offer her a ride.
Her unfinished business is complete.
She’s moving on.
To somewhere warm and bright, she can feel it.
Her parents press final kisses to her cheeks as she starts to go. Through tears they whisper, I love you’s.
She’s finally at rest and there are no more stories of vanishing girls picked up off the backwoods roads
I appreciate that you took my advice last week and shared a "common interest" with your many Twitter followers! It appears that you've gone viral again, which is not exactly what I was expecting but is something we can work with!
I was a little surprised when you went off-schedule and posted about the broken glass, but it's important for the public to see you're as fallible as the rest of us. I would just reiterate that it's crucial to interact with members of the press politely.
But we've already gone over your interactions with the press and how you should respond to argumentative replies (remember to turn the other cheek). This week I would highly encourage you to seek out one of your peers and engage them in a conversation. You can choose from a wide range of topics. Let's find a fun, lighthearted way to make the public interested in what you have to say!
I look forward to reading your friendly exchange!
Once again, I highly encourage you to send a draft to me before posting anything.
Best,
Michelle Baum
Gotham Public Relations Representative
Blue Ribbon PR Award (2018, 2020, 2021)
-
Bruce frowned at his phone. One of his peers? Alfred? Selina? Who else was there? This was ridiculous. And if she thought he’d be sending her any kind of draft—
"Hrgh," he said when Dick landed on his shoulders. "Robin. Did you get the evidence from Gordon?"
"Yeah and he gave me a Tootsie Roll Pop.” Dick kicked his heels against Bruce’s chest, unheeding of the fact that they were over ten stories up, perched on an old wooden water tank. "What're you doing?”
"Civilian business," Bruce grunted. "We should head home. It's a school night."
"Aww, B, you're no fun!" Dick whined next to his ear.
"If you stop arguing I'll get the booster seat out and let you drive the Batmobile."
“I dunno…still kinda boring,” Dick said, still unconvinced.
Bruce hummed. “I’ll ask Alfred to make grilled cheese sandwiches when we get home.”
The kicking against his chest started up again. "Heck yeah, B, you're the best!"
Bruce sent his tweet and swept off into the night. He knew exactly which one of his peers would love to hear from him.
post Nogitsune!Stiles suddenly spending a lot of time at Derek’s. Derek doesn’t notice for awhile that Stiles has become such a permanent fixture in his life, and home. Probably not until he doesn’t hear from Stiles for two days and gets that anxiety in his gut that makes Derek think of spending two days searching for him.
Then Stiles shows up outside his door at about three in the morning. “You look…” Derek starts.
“Better than I feel,” Stiles says before he’s stepping into the front entrance.
“Can I ask you a favor?” Stiles asks him, and Derek gets that panic feeling he gets when he doesn’t know what’s coming. Racing thoughts that don’t take hold on everything that Stiles could possibly want.
“Okay.”
“You can say no, obviously, but,” Stiles’ heart is beating out a rapid staccato in his chest, he rubs at the hair on the back of his head, “but you gotta promise not to–I dunno, laugh, or make it weird, cos I haven’t slept in like three days.”
Derek feels a growing confusion, “I–promise?” Derek hesitates, crossing his arms over his chest.
Stiles looks around the room like he’s expecting someone else to be there. He looks back at Derek and sighs, “could you just–you know–maybe like just hold me for no less than maybe an hour?” His gaze is somewhere to his left.
“Okay.”
Derek is about as surprised to hear it as Stiles looks. He’s not sure what he was expecting, definitely not this, but Derek expects it wouldn’t have mattered.
“Where?” Derek asks.”
“Oh…” Stiles says voice shaking, “I didn’t think you’d say yes, I didn’t plan this far.” Derek can’t help but smile, he shakes his head softly, and leads Stiles into the loft with a hand settled against the middle of his back.
“Do you want to lay down on the bed?” Derek asks.
“Yes please,” Stiles nods, tugging his shoes off as they go. Derek climbs on to the bed and waits for Stiles to follow before he settles down against the pillows. Stiles hesitates for a moment before he lays down next to Derek, scoots closer and settles himself against Derek’s side, head pillowed on Derek’s chest.
“Is this okay?” Stiles asks, his voice rough.
“Yeah,” Derek answers. Truthfully. Too Truthfully, Stiles is a warm, grounding weight against him. “Do you need anything else?” Derek asks his arm draped over Stiles’ back.
“Blankey,” Stiles says, sleepy.
“So you can make it weird?” Derek asks, and Stiles laughs against his chest.
“Them the rules. Take it or leave it.” Derek drapes the blanket at the foot of his bed over Stiles. He slides his hand through Stiles’ hair.
“I’ll take it,” Derek answers. Stiles doesn’t respond, and a few minutes later Derek thinks he falls asleep.
The next morning Stiles wakes with a start.
“Dude…how long was I out?” Stiles asks, eyes taking in the room in confusion.
“Three hours or so,” Derek answers, stretching.
At first Stiles shows up on the nights that are the worst, and Derek lets him in wordlessly and they curl up beneath Derek’s covers. One night, Stiles wakes from a nightmare and Derek spoons him into his chest and holds him in a tight embrace. Stiles shakes in his arms until Derek shushes him softly his nose pressed against the dip in Stiles’ shoulder.
After that Stiles shows up some nights with the others and just never leaves. Other times Derek will get a text in the middle of the night that says ‘DTC?’
Which Stiles informs Derek is down to cuddle. Derek doesn’t say it then but he’s never not.
Eventually, one night Stiles suddenly tells Derek, “close your eyes.” Derek is wary but he does when Stiles gives him a look. “Good, now picture me passionately and spontaneously kissing you.”
Derek opens his eyes and huffs out a confused laugh. “Why am I imagining it?” Derek asks.
“Because I’ve been wanting to for awhile now but I’m not going to not ask. That’s rude. But also ruins the spontaneity, you know?”
“So, are you going to kiss me or should we wait so it’s a surprise?” Derek asks. Stiles grins at him.
“I’d like that idea more if it didn’t mean waiting to kiss you,” Stiles informs him, raising himself up on an elbow. “But also, seriously, I’m going to need explicit permission here–”
Five times someone recognises Eddie as the LAFD Updates man.
“Oh my God,” the girl says.
It’s not the oddest exclamation Eddie’s heard from a person who’s just crashed their car into a telephone pole, but more the way it’s said: something dizzied and a little resigned, as though she is both concussed and mostly just inconvenienced by it. It’s enough for Eddie to peer into the window as Buck heaves at the car door with the jaws of life, armed with a penlight. “Ma’am, can you tell me your name?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” the girl says, which doesn’t quite sound like a name to Eddie. He’s just about to tell her as much until she goes, “You’re LAFD Updates man.”
Buck’s hands slip around the jaws with a bark of laughter.
“Uh,” Eddie says, all of a sudden feeling like he’s the one who’s just driven straight into a telephone pole. “Not—not anymore.”
“But you are,” the girl says, and now she’s leaning out the window, eyebrows furrowed like she’s trying to get a better look at Eddie’s face. “Holy shit, you fucking are.”
I'm new to Bluepulse, any good fan fics or authors you reccomend?
Welcome to the fandom! Bluepulse is my OTP!
As far as fan fictions go, I have written a few myself and posted them on AO3 under the same username I go by on here.
Other bluepulse authors that are absolutely wonderful are @bluepulsebluepulse, @ivettxwrites, @incorrectbatfam, and @distance-of-song (National Nobody on AO3). @secondgenerationnerd also takes bluepulse requests here on tumblr, and my askbox is always open for drabble and HC requests!
As for fics, I’ll give you my top 10!
And Again by Barkour Absolutely my favorite bluepulse fic ever written. Just a slice of life oneshot that delves into Bart and Jaime’s life when they’re older. I’ve read this one about a million times.
In Every Beat by Incorrectbatfam Super cute Coco AU exploring Jaime teaching Bart about Dia de Los Muertos.
Reversed by Bluepulsebluepulse AMAZING FIC ALL ROUND exploring what would happen if Jaime was the one who had traveled to the past to fix the timeline rather than Bart.
Remember Me (the Story of Us) by National_Nobody Cute and angsty established relationship WIP where Bart loses his memories and Jaime has to remind him about their relationship, how far they’ve come together and how much he loves him.
A New Home for Them All by Bluepulsebluepulse A collection of cute, humorous little scenarios involving Jaime and Bart buying and moving into their first house together.
Better Get in Character by Khaki_Da A little bit of a longer fic, but def worth the read! Explores a LOT about Bart’s character and all of the secrets he’s kept since coming back to the past.
When I Don’t Remember You by Angelatflightrosk SUPER FUCKING ANGSTY this one hits me right in the feels every time, but it is SO well written. Best to have a box of tissues nearby if you read this one.
You’re the Light I Follow by Ivettxwrites Another angsty one focusing on how Jaime helps Bart cope after Joan’s death.
Strength in all its Forms by Tiritiri_Matangi A long one, but very well written, focusing on Bart and how he’s had to adjust the the past, as well as how the past has adjusted to him.
The whole Young Justice: Iridescent series Focuses on the whole YJ team with some other DC characters thrown in, but Bluepulse is the main couple focused on throughout the four part series.
Enjoy bluepulsing! And don’t be shy to reach out with a drabble request if you have anything in mind!
These are all top tier recs y’all should all def check out if you haven’t already (and no i’m not biased [that much] just because @paintingwithdarkness included me, lol). Another 10 of my favs in addition to what’s already above:
under sideways down by finkpishnets A future fic with Jaime navigating college life and his growing feelings for a certain speedster. I can not overstate how much I adore this one. Gorgeously lyrical and compact, this fic fits a LOT into a small amount of space. Have lost count of my rereads at this point.
I Might Just Prove You Wrong by Barkour Another future fic/slice of life taking place five years after S2. All of Barkour’s bluepulse fics are amazing, but this is easily my second fav after And Again. The boys’ dynamic is always so, so good in all of their work, and this one always hits me in all my feelings.
if i could make days last forever by bartallen The groundhog day, modernAU premise I never knew I needed. This is an angsty one featuring a lot of temporary Major Character Death, so be warned. Heart wrenching with a happy ending, this will pull at all of your heartstrings in the best way.
I Thought You’d Never Ask by khaki_da A ridiculously adorable fic featuring high school dance shenanigans & fake dating. So fluffy, so good, 10/10.
subtle difference by weekend_conspiracy_theorist One of those ‘literally everyone knows you guys are basically married except the two of you’ fics. Very cute with lots of wholesome flashfam and Reyes fam interactions.
… . -. … . .-.. . … … by Incorrectbatfam The deaf!Jaime blind!Bart AU I never knew I needed. A treat for every one of your senses (but maybe have a box of tissues nearby for chap 2). Fantastic world building and extremely adorable ending.
glitter (silent confessions) by ivettxwrites I am so soft for this fic. A quiet moment of reflection and late night feeling confessions that will melt your heart.
House of Memories by PaintingWithDarkness I am absolute trash for domestic bluepulse, and paintingwithdarkness knocked it out of the park in this one. A far future fic where Bart reminisces about the home he and Jaime made together in the house they started their family in.
‘til tomorrow and for all of our lives by ivettxwrites Speaking of married bluepulse, this is actually part 2 (highly recommend both) in a series (first part is the meet-cute at a different wedding). Marvel/DC crossover full to the brim with wholesome family dynamics and adorable wedding shenanigans. My heart is full every time I think about it.
A Touch of Love by bluepulsebluepulsebluepulse I dare you not to smile like an idiot the whole time you read this. Trust me, it isn’t possible. Once again, I’m trash for domestic bluepulse and this a lovely short and sweet one that is just like 300% fluff (in general @bluepulsebluepulse has a LITERAL CATALOG of content at this point so like, if you need more bluepulse he’s your guy. I haven’t even made my way thru half of his stuff yet, lmao).
Welcome to the fandom anon! It’s nice to have you! I swear I’m not trying to overwhelm you by piling on to the stellar recommendations above but… here are ten more fan-fictions in addition to the ones mentioned above. I’ll also take a moment to mention that the recommendations below weren’t made simply to reciprocate the generous nominations I received above. Which by the way, I feel honored to have received a mention from both @paintingwithdarkness & @distance-of-song - so thank you both 😊. Whilst some of my Top 10′s have already been mentioned above, some haven’t and are down below (but that’s only for me to know which ones are from the Top 10 and which ones fall into the Top 20). There are still so many more amazing Bluepulse fics that still haven’t received a mention. If you ever want more… Flick me a DM. :)
1. Serenading the Soul by PaintingWithDarkness - Where do I even begin with this one? Ironically, I didn’t like it at first; but my love/hate relationship with this story quickly turned into only love. There’s only one chapter on AO3, but trust me… it gets EVEN BETTER. So I would STRONGLY SUGGEST you hit that subscribe button. Literally check out any of PaintingWithDarkness’s fics. They are all masterpieces. Recovery is also MAGNIFICENT. Can I take a raincheck on this post so I can add more of your amazing works here later? ;)
2. Kitchen Ballroom by incorrectbatfam (totallyadulting) - Feel like a slice of spectacurlarly written domestic fluff? You’ve come to the right place. All of incorrectbatfam’s posts are like platters of heavenly imagery and narration. They also have almost as many fics as I do; which is SUPER impressive when you consider the small time frame in which they’ve posted all these works AND the amazing quality of each and every one. Truly, it blows me away.
3. Should’ve Worshiped Him Sooner by ivettxwrites - This fic hit me so hard in the feels I still don’t think I’ve fully recovered. That being said, it was an absolute pleasure to read. Without spoiling the plot, I will say it’s quite sad but it does have a happy ending for our favorite couple. I’ve been told a sequel might happen and I am SOOO keen for it as it would provide a band-aid for the angst! I’m still crossing my fingers for more of your amazing writing! @ivettxwrites
4. Limerence by Thursday26 - Thursday26 wrote a Birdflash fic called Redamancy which actually introduced Bart and Jaime. Based on the superb writing skills of this author, I knew I was a goner when I was lucky enough to be gifted with this fic which focused on them specifically. It features the most creative date between the pair that I’ve seen to date. It’s adorable! It’s great!
5. Suavemente by twinklingpaopufruit - Every time I read this fic, I have to remind myself not to be actively drinking. The first time I read it, I had a mouthful of water but before I could swallow, I read THE MOST HILARIOUS line of Khaji Da’s dialogue that I have ever read; and consequently, I accidentally spat out the water all over my expensive laptop. This fic is perfect; the only thing that bothers me about it is how much time had passed before the inevitable conclusion.
6. Firsts in the El Paso Desert by khaki_da - I hope you like crying… Because this fic is so emotionally charged and so fluffy that I haven’t been able to read it once all the way through WITHOUT crying. It’s something I’ve never admitted publicly until now. I love this fic and it’s my go to fic when I want to stir up the already overflowing pot of emotions I struggle live with on a daily basis.
7. Loud Noises That Disrupt Your Life and Other Fun Things by grassandcitrus - I had never seen a Neighbor AU blended with canon divergence before… and this fic absolutely NAILED it. I love this fic and god I wish there was more of it. It’s super sweet and I love revisiting it to read again and again (which I do with most of the fics in my top 20 list). I also like the surprise twist (even if I saw it comming from miles away ahaha). It’s super sweet!
8. Stick With Me by National_Nobody - This recently posted fic took my breath away. I was actually just continuously reeling from how natural the flow of internal monologue was. The characterization was on point. It’s honestly just a gem. I remained on the edge of my seat as the story guided me along the roller coaster of fluff and angst; and I was 110% in for the entire ride. Also kudos for the quick succession of updates because I was struggling not to whine for more.
9. Golden Boys by noir_wing - I don’t know what it is about this fic, but I’m really, really invested in it. It’s not finished yet sadly, but I retain hope that it will be someday. Either way, it is still a great fic which ultimately leaves you wanting more at the end of each and every chapter. There’s something about the way the plot is weaved that makes you really want to see where it ends up.
10. Opening Up by Cheshire_Cat2244 - This charming (but angsty in its way) fic delivered the one line of dialogue I am a sucker for and it has stayed with me till this very day. "Can we talk about this thing between us?“ I fell hard for the narration of this fic and I enjoyed the humor towards the end too. Jaime’s parents were also treated well in this fic (which is always nice to see).
- - -
Bonus Fic - If we are counting fics that are NOT on AO3, then I recommend the following fic on facfiction.net
11. Good Guy by lovly39 - This is the no superpower AU I never knew I needed. It’s extremely long and does take a while to read but… it’s one of my favorites and I’ve always just been a sucker for it. Honestly, this was probably the first Bluepulse fic I ever read and it holds a really special place in my heart.
Can I request CSI Miami, Tim "Speed" Speedle, with maybe a reader!lab tech? Using 19. Stop right now and tell me what's going on. And 46. I accidentally fell in love with you and I don't think there's a way I can undo it. Thanks. :)
“Okay, stop right now, and tell me what’s going on.”
You had prayed that Speed wouldn’t notice you were off, that you could make it through the day without him calling you out. You’d been working in the Crime Lab alongside Speed for years as a lab tech, you loved that job, but it had, surprisingly come with the bonus of you getting to know the smartass you shared the lab with.
As promised, after a week straight of doing basically nothing but reading buck/eddie fanfics, I am here with my fan fic recommendation post.
Here are the housekeeping notes:
Fics are ordered by length because I’m not an animal.
All authors have been tagged where I can reasonably find their tumblr url.
Some authors will appear multiple times, so will be tagged multiple times.
I’m super picky with fics so this is really my buck/eddie masterpiece fic list - I have read a lot of fics and I’ve enjoyed a lot of fics, but these are the mona lisas imo.
all of them have super great writing and excellent characterisation because that’s what i care about
I have created a handy dandy key to give quick opinions on fics, but some will have bonus comments:
🤍 = excellently, incredibly well written absolutely top tier craft
🖤 = gives me the Emotions
❤️ = oh that’s fucking cute
SHORT 0-5K
What’s mine is yours… by ReallySmartLadyMarieCurie
1K | ❤️
summary: In which Buck and Eddie share a locker and Chimney is confused.
His name is Buck, actually by HMSLusitania @hmslusitania
1K | 🖤
summary: Missing scene from the end of Buck Begins, because someone needed to tell the Buckleys off on Buck’s behalf.
this life that we’ve created (or: how silvia rodriguez learned to believe in fairytales again) by evcndiaz @evcndiaz
2K | 🤍 ❤️
summary: “So, just to be clear: You want to make a—” she glances down at her papers, “—Mr. Evan Buckley your son Christopher Diaz’s guardian in the event of your untimely death.”
“Yes, that is correct.”
“And you… don’t want to tell him about it?”
“Eh,” he says. Eh, like he’s not breaking Silvia’s brain. “I’m sure I’ll tell him eventually.”
or; eddie makes buck christopher’s legal guardian told from his lawyer’s perspective. because why not
if you want it baby i can show you by wafflesofdoom
4K | ❤️ | the lover of the backwards baseball cap/frat boy aesthetic (particularly on buck) in me read this fic twice
summary: so here’s the thing – eddie diaz is very aware that his boyfriend is a ridiculously attractive human being. even before buck was his boyfriend, eddie was aware of this – evan buckley was 6’2, nothing but muscle and pure strength, with a heart of goddamn gold. buck could rock just about any outfit and eddie would find it sexy - but he never expected his downfall to be a backwards baseball cap.
A Locker Knows by mansikka @mansikka
4K | 🤍 ❤️ | top tier content and top tier writing. the wildest outsider perspective you could ask for
summary: A firehouse locker watches Buck and Eddie fall in love.
In which, a polite though mildly pervy locker in the 118 firehouse takes a deep, personal interest in all things Evan Buckley. In a far less lecherous way than 911’s official social media accounts.
MEDIUM 5-20K
standing on the edge (of great) by evcndiaz @evcndiaz
5K | 🤍 🖤 | oh bro oh bro oh bro THIS ONE
summary: Ana cuts him off. “What were you thinking about?”
“I—What?”
“What were you thinking about? You know, when you moaned your best friend’s name right before you came inside me. What was even going through your head? I know it certainly couldn’t have been me.”
or; eddie says buck’s name during sex with ana. it goes about as well as you would expect. and then somehow, it gets a little better
it’s funny how they say when you find someone (heart speeds up, time slows down) by wafflesofdoom
5.5K | 🤍 🖤
summary: eddie diaz was not an oblivious man - regardless of what the 118 thought, what maddie thought, what his abuela thought, what every single person who came into their lives thought, he was not an oblivious man. eddie knew he was in love with buck - he’d know what for a long time, actually.
the thing was - eddie needed to be ready to say it out-loud.
or, alternatively, the one where eddie finds a no-nonsense therapist, confronts his feelings, and jumps off several metaphorical cliffs.
The Perks Of Being Set Up By A Ten Year Old by on_mars @on-maars
6K | ❤️
summary: “If you’re in love with him then you need to tell him, Eddie.”
Chris opens his eyes wide and a small smile stretches his lips. His dad is in love with Buck.
That’s not news, though. Christopher already knew that. That’s why he got so mad at his dad when he told him he was dating Ms. Flores. She was nice but she wasn’t the right person for his dad. Bucky was. He still is.
[OR Eddie and Buck are dumb so Chris decides to take things into his own hands]
Hold Me Like A Keepsake by HMSLusitania @hmslusitania
6K | 🖤 ❤️
summary: While merging households and establishing new Buckley-Diaz family traditions, Chris and Eddie learn the bad history of the baby box and decide something must be done.
What’s Died Will Never Stay Dead by HMSLusitania @hmslusitania
6.5K | 🤍 🖤
summary: Bobby’s family died in an apartment fire in St Paul, he was honest about that much.
But it was in 1904, not 2014.
OR
The immortal firefam AU no one asked for.
a warmth i’ve never known by ofloveandlonging
7K | 🖤
summary: It’s quiet on the other end of the line for a long moment. Buck counts his heartbeats. They’re quick with worry while he waits for Eddie to speak.
“Buck, I think you need to take him to the ER.”
one of the few things by thatnerdemryn @thatnerdemryn
7K | 🤍 🖤
summary: “I want someone who’s going to take care of him, love him just as I would without babying him or making him feel like he can’t do things, you know? I want someone who is going to fight for him, not against him, who would literally go through hell for him because he deserves it–” Eddie cut himself off, but Hen didn’t need him to continue.
“You want it to be Buck.” Maybe she should’ve been more surprised or she should’ve asked the question instead of saying it so surely and causing the bit of panic that erupted in Eddie’s eyes, but it was obvious in everything Eddie was expressing.
Or five times that Eddie tells someone else that Buck is Christopher’s legal guardian plus one time he finally tells Buck.
I Didn’t Know I Was Lonely ‘Til I Saw Your Face by HMSLusitania @hmslusitania
10K | 🤍 🖤 | oh my god oh my god this is one of my absolute FAVOURITES
summary: After the ladder truck and the blood clot and the tsunami, Bobby makes Buck go to therapy before he does something stupid (like sue the city). Buck’s not totally comfortable being alone with a therapist, but fortunately he makes a friend and ally who’s willing to help him out - Eddie Diaz from the 136 who’s just been caught in an illegal fight club.
OR
Total strangers Buck and Eddie go to couple’s therapy together to get out of the therapy requirements their captains have placed on them.
take my hand (take my everything) by cnomad @cinematicnomad
10K | 🤍 🖤
summary: When Buck has another near death experience, he decides the smartest thing to do is update his will. It’s not a big deal, really—he just wants to take care of the people who matter most to him: Eddie and Chris.
But to Eddie? To Eddie that’s a pretty huge deal.
home is wherever i’m with you by woodchoc_magnum @woodchoc-magnum
10K | ❤️ | crop top buck RIGHTS
summary: In which Christopher picks out a kitty cat best friend, and Buck drives Eddie wild in a crop top for Halloween.
end of the affair by eaudnes
10.6K | 🖤
summary: Just some wholesome content of two dads and their son (oh yeah and Eddie’s house almost blows up).
a leaf falls on loneliness by iimpossible_things
11K | 🤍 🖤
summary: Buck doesn’t think that if he were to say, “I’m in a bad place”, that anyone would turn him away. Really, he doesn’t. The 118 has too many good, kind people for that.
But every time he wants to open his mouth, to say something, to reach out to Eddie or Bobby or Hen or Chim, he hears Eddie yelling, “you’re exhausting.”
So each day he does his job and he laughs and he jokes and he pretends he’s the care-free goofball he’s always been. And each day he packs away his bruises and his worries, takes them home to his empty loft with its quiet rooms, and licks his wounds in silence.
Time-Bomb SERIES by HMSLusitania @hmslusitania
13K | 🖤 ❤️
summary: A week in the life of members of the 118 as they watch Buck and Eddie’s completely platonic friendship catch fire.
Good thing, then, that they’re all firefighters.
OR
Buck and Eddie are the last to know they’re in love, and it’s gonna take some not so gentle nudging.
Those Two Firefighters by DarkFairytale
14.5K | WIP | 🤍 ❤️
summary: #thosetwofirefighters starts to gather a following on social media, as everyone tries to figure out if those two cute firefighters from the 118 in LA are a thing or not.
love is not designed for the cynical SERIES by wafflesofdoom
18K | 🤍 ❤️
summary: eddie diaz was not a betting man - but two bets he, buck, and the 118 made have come to define his life.
Buy Back the Secrets by allyasavedtheday @littlespooneven
18K | 🤍 🖤 | I lost my mind over this one and I am nOT OKAY
summary: He casts his gaze to the right, to the voice he’d heard a minute ago and the hand still on his shoulder.
And, well. Okay. So Buck may have just been unconscious for an indeterminable length of time but he doesn’t think he’s exaggerating when he says the guy leaning over his bedside is one of the most attractive people he’s seen in a long time. Especially when his face splits into a smile that rivals the brightness of the hospital lights that almost just fucking blinded Buck a second ago.
“Welcome back, hotshot,” the guy says and it sounds fond – familiar – and Buck honestly has no idea who this guy is.
His brown hair is dishevelled on top of his head and his eyes look tired but then Buck notices the LAFD t-shirt so- alright. Someone from the firehouse, maybe? But he’s pretty sure he’d remember a face like that.
*
After getting hurt on a call, Buck wakes up thinking it’s 2018. AKA Buck can’t remember who Eddie is but he’s pretty sure everyone’s lying when they say they’re “just friends.”
LONG 20K+
Don’t Take the Money by HMSLusitania @hmslusitania
21K | 🤍 🖤 | time loop fics are my favourite fics and this is no exception this is PURE GOLD
summary: “You know, being stuck here isn’t actually the end of the world,” Chimney says, coming up to the table and picking up one of the smoke detectors. “It just feels like it, Buck. Trust me, I know.”
“I’m pretty sure it might actually be the end of the world,” Buck says. “Considering this is the sixth time I’ve lived this day.”
Chimney stares at him for a beat and then his eyebrows lift. “Wait, are you like – dude, are you in Groundhog Day?”
OR
The post-lawsuit time-loop AU literally no one asked for.
Everything At Once by Clockwork_Mockingbird @clockwork-mockingbird
26K | 🤍 🖤
summary: Buck comes into a lot of money.
Nothing changes so of course everything does.
everything, everywhere matters to everything SERIES by SevenSoulmates @sevensoulmates
32.5K | 🤍 🖤 | some absolutely extraordinary writing
summary: A series of individual but connected one-shots exploring Buck as a person living with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder). This series will explore Buck’s life, his disorder, his relationships with family and friends, his relationships with Eddie and Chris and his relationship with his System and Alters.
Revelations SERIES by OreoLuvr13
33K | 🖤
summary: Turns out Eddie is not the only one with family ties in Texas.
Left Unsaid by Clockwork_Mockingbird @clockwork-mockingbird
33K | 🤍 🖤 | this is it. this is the dream fic. this is everything i could’ve asked for and more.
summary: A woman shows up at the station with a picture of Buck on her phone.
It goes better than last time.
OR
The discovery of a small facebook group full of tsunami survivors rocks station 118.
No Man is an Island by Onelonely_tortillachip
46K | 🤍 🖤 | i cried. this is the ONLY fic on this list i cried while reading.
summary: After the lawsuit fiasco, Buck is still on the outs with his father figure and his best friend. But when an unexpected hostage situation occurs after a routine call, Buck is in bad shape. Can the fire family save him and make amends?
Leading with the Left by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels
