Figentes

[figentes]

Excerpt from my short story 'The Purge' (2014).

I sit down under the railings on the landing outside, dangling my feet in to the seemingly never-ending spiral of floors of identical grey doors, each with its own spectacle of dysfunctional life behind it. The walls are chipped, the stairs littered with cigarettes and a pungent sickness hangs in the air. You feel almost dirty just stepping into the place, yet this is where I, for all intents and purposes, call ‘home’. 

[figentes]

I left him sitting there for two whole days. Just sitting, staring, death in his eyes. Even then, with his body cold and immovable, it made me feel less alone. He still felt alive to me, sitting there. I'd be watching tv and make some kind of funny comment and there would be no response of course, but there never was.

[figentes]

I am an open book, laid bare. Open. Vulnerable. Waiting to be destroyed. Reach in and tear out my pages. Consume me from the inside out.

[figentes]

Wake up

Lingering taste of soft flowers on my tongue, the essence of your kiss. No longer will I feel your soft lips upon mine, your arms embracing me, your sunny skin. All hazy memories now, barely coming in to focus. Your voice which once eased my pains, now merely a whisper, a memory. It's as if we didn't happen, you and I. Maybe I dreamed us a long time ago, a long and perfect dream, but dreams can't last forever. It's time to wake up. Wake up.

[figentes]

Remembering Shadows

From the sky came a terrible thunder, bringing with it a distinct air of chaos, and everybody could feel it. The shadows began to seep out of the very pores of the land, drowning everything in a suffocating darkness.

[figentes]

When something happens in my life that makes me really sad, I usually cry and mope for a week or so and then forget about it. I sort of pretend as if it never really happened, as if I were just sleeping for a really long time and it was a dream or a book I read. Things always seem less upsetting when you watch them from afar, as if they are happening to someone you don’t know, a character in a story.

[figentes]

Sick Feeling

Cold walls, pulsating silence. The air is so still, so white, so quiet. I feel like vomiting but I can't leave.

[figentes]

The rain sweeps past my window, washing the streets clean of the turmoil of yesterday, only to be dirtied again by the footsteps of the weary. I love lying in bed listening to the night; silent but only for the quiet static of raindrops by the window.

[figentes]

My fingers trace the outlines of your freckled landscape; from the sleepy valleys of your collarbones to the lofty peaks of your two bare hips, every bone a soft reminder of your fragility. 

[figentes]

Her

You thought of her; So pale and small, With unkempt hair  And husky drawl

Her hollow eyes, Her acid tongue, Her shallow breaths From blackened lung.

[figentes]

I ached. The low and heavy reverb echoed in my skull, soon fading in to white noise as I slipped away. I seeped out of myself, thick and fast. I was nearly completely gone. Lights pulsated red behind my lids and I knew it wouldn’t be long now. Wiry sirens sank their teeth in to my flesh and lashed their acidic tongues at my ears. I had been asking for it all along, you see, but now that the end was near and my memories were slowly melting through the floorboards, I began to think that perhaps this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. I feverishly tried to piece together my very being, throw out a helpless palm to try and grab hold of my soul before it faded away, but the truth was, it was already much too late…

[figentes]

The hazy glow from the street lights resembled a forest fire in the distance. Fiery hues blazed against a pitch black sky.

[figentes]

The rain wept silent, dirty tears on to our tired bodies. It was the dreariest winter the city had ever seen. This was the kind of weather which washed everything in a murky grey-brown, and fixed permanent frowns on the inhabitants who now skulked the pavements with their jacket collars pulled up around their ears or huddled in shadowed doorways. 

You had a ghostly look about you in this light. The colour had drained from your face and your usual rosy complexion was now a washed out grey. As we lay on the grass, I noticed how the rain pooled in the hollows of your collarbones and clung to your eyelashes; it made me smile. 

[figentes]

The Bunker

Golden sunlight burst through the splinters of space between the gnarled arms of old trees and shattered window panes, casting dangerous shapes on the floor beneath us. The whole place had a sort of dreamy feel to it, as if it had been completely abandoned by time; a living photograph destined to remain this way forever.

Our parents warned us not to play here. All the kids in the neighbourhood knew that it was dangerous and we were never to venture inside, no matter what - but of course, you know how kids are. These boundaries only deepened our curiosity of the shabby metal skeleton which was the old bunker, and on that hazy summer afternoon, my friends and I scrambled up that hill, and it's a day that none of us will ever forget.

[figentes]

I think it would be nice

to disappear one day,

Just let go of my thoughts

and slowly fade away.

You might be sad at first,

and maybe even cry,

But I would tell you this for sure;

it was a lovely thing — to die.

[figentes]

I feel like there is a giant magnet in my chest which is forlornly pulling at an invisible counterpart, just hoping that something will pull back.

[figentes]

I feel like my own skin is trying to crawl its way off my body, or something underneath is trying to break though. As if, very soon, I will soar and combust and be filled with an irrevocable calm. I feel like, for the past few years, I’ve just been waiting. Waiting to wake up and realise and know. 

When in reality, I’ve been slowly drowning for a while now; getting heavier and deeper as time goes on, the surface being just out of reach. Once or twice I might see a glimmer of light through the waves but it’s become too nice and quiet down here — safe — that I never try too hard to keep afloat. I just sink deeper into the dark, bottomless pit of silence, loneliness and despair where nobody bothers you and you just wilt away from existence without even trying.