She wasn’t looking for a knight
She was looking for a sword.
— Atticus
I wake with blurry eyes as the sky begins to lighten. Lying frozen in my spot on the bed, I listen for the breathing of my mother. When I discern her slow breaths from those of my siblings, I slip from the thin, grimy sheets as quietly as I am able. No one wakes – not my mother, or my baby sister, or any of my three brothers.
When I shuffle down the hall and gently pull the door open, I am surprised to be met with the sound of boots displacing gravel. I pause, holding my breath. The sound stops. Am I being watched?
I roll my eyes in response to my own thoughts. Of course I was being watched. I’m always being watched.
Talking to oneself was quickly becoming the only way anyone was able to remain calm in this corner of the kingdom. Talking to others would mean snapping at them, fed up with nursing your empty stomach with barely-clean water instead of food. Snapping at others means creating rifts between each other. This cannot be afforded in this corner of the kingdom. We must stay united. Though more and more, not even that seems to be enough.
When I don’t hear the sound again after a few minutes, I step out onto the street. Beside the door I find an iron pipe, little more than half my height and rusted by months of daily rainfall. I grip it firmly and turn to close the door with my other hand, surprised and delighted when it doesn’t squeak. The ground is glazed with a layer of dew. I flex my toes before setting off in search of who - or what - made the sound.
Reckless, yes, but I am tired of waiting.
I survey the street and discover nothing significant, only that our neighbor’s roof has collapsed overnight. The family is sitting in the street, huddled together even though it’s not cool enough to demand goosebumps. I turn away and act as if I did not notice them, sparing them the embarrassment of being displaced. We can’t feel sorry for anyone here. It creates problems. Sympathy shows the weakness of those being sympathized with; it is better that everyone keeps to themselves.
I wind my way through gardens of dull and dying flowers to find the main road. The pipe I carry bruises my hand because of how tightly I grip it. I walk for a few minutes in silence before I jerk to a stop, gaze landing on the bridge and the soldier standing in the middle of it.
The grass on this side of the bridge is gradually becoming the verdant hue that it is meant to be; the trees are growing taller than those around my home, closer to the lush beauty of those on the palace grounds. I scamper behind a trunk, putting all of my willpower into staying silent and still.
That guard must have been the one to walk down my street earlier. I peek around the tree to look at him. Hands in his pockets, he studies the ground before him as if lost in thought. He is not wearing full armor, as all soldiers are required to when they are out on official kingdom business, and his hair is long and unruly, but from his broad shoulders and thick arms I can tell that he should be keeping watch on the wall or training with a sword – not standing on the bridge between destitution and prosperity.
I can’t return to my hiding spot quickly enough when he lifts his gaze and notices me. I readjust my grip on the pipe but keep it hidden behind the trunk of the tree, thinking that if he tries to seize me I’ll be able to surprise him.
But he doesn’t move. His eyes bore into mine as he takes me hostage from thirty feet away. I swallow hard and wonder how this will end - if it ever will. We stare at each other for many soundless minutes until he seems to sigh. His eyes drop from mine and he whirls around to walk away from me.
I watch him go until he is only a fleck of black amongst the vivid colors of the affluent part of the kingdom. The silence of the slums I’ve left behind haunt me while I try to make up my mind about what to do now. I eventually settle on continuing forward, my quest vastly more important than my concerns.
The sun is fully awake now. Across the bridge, the kingdom becomes so very close to how it should be. There is chatter on the streets, albeit soft. I see women in airy dresses of rose and eggshell; men are dressed in the color of the lavender that I’ve heard grows in Cordell, and the blue of the lightest sky. Everyone is working or talking or shopping as they always do. I can smell baking pastries from an entire block away.
I do as I always do and skirt around the edge of the neighborhood to find the narrow pathway that circles the perimeter of it. I am the sole creator of this path; while others do not mind being shamed by those in this part of the kingdom, desperate only for food and not for respect, I could never bring myself to be subject to the eyes of those who pity me. When my father and eldest brother had finally left my family and I was promoted to bread-finder of the family, I didn’t even make the attempt to walk the main street in this part of the kingdom for two weeks. I couldn’t bear for anyone, especially anyone with such great privilege, to look down on me.
I swing my iron pipe by my side while I walk in the shade of the lush Spring trees. The wind carries the sound of string instruments playing a soft tune from the street towards me. I close my eyes and breathe deeply, imagining myself being able to appreciate the cheerful melody without my stomach aching.
I stop when I reach the back end of the kingdom’s bakery. It’s massive, and the family that runs it only uses half of the space that the building offers. I scan the small inlet and grab the few stray sticky buns to stuff into my pockets. They’re harder than they should be, and a bit burnt on the bottoms, but no one will complain. The measly offerings will alleviate some of the stress we’ve put on our stomachs over the years.
Instead of turning back toward home, I push myself to carry on the path around the edge of the small shopping district. Here is my only place of concern; there is no hiding myself when I cross the main road to reach the other side of the perimeter. No one has ever bothered me before, but the possibility of that happening is enough to scare me senseless.
When I lean to look at the main road from behind a short stone building, I find another cause for concern; the soldier from the bridge is on the path not ten steps away from me. He leans back on the building, peering through the copse of trees in front of him at one of the guard towers on the wall.
My hand comes to slap hard over my mouth, cutting off my cry but prompting the soldier to jerk his head in my direction. He freezes and his jaw drops, astonished to see me again. Now that I have no option but to stay where I am and decide what I should be doing next, I realize that he’s familiar. He is the soldier from the wall yesterday.
The soldier’s gaze drifts to the wall and back to me. “They’re watching you.”
I find that I have to work hard not to snort. My hand drops to my side, suddenly not very intimidated. “Really? I was unaware.” My dry tone makes him press his lips into a straight line. He directs his eyes back to the wall.
“I meant you, specifically.”
He doesn’t elaborate, which somehow infuriates me. I cross my arms over my chest, pipe still in hand, and step out from behind the building. “Why me? Specifically?”
The soldier rolls his eyes in such an exaggerated manner that he reminds me of myself. “You’re around a lot. Appearing from shadows. Generally not giving a damn.”
There’s a commotion in one of the guard towers, two soldiers arguing loudly; one with authority and the other with a slur to his words. I keep my eyes on the man in front of me, and watch his lips twitch into the beginning of a smirk. He seems pleased that someone is getting in trouble, whoever it is.
When his grin fades I remember that I am on a mission. I blink once and toss my pipe to the side, into the impossibly green grass. The soldier eyes me once more. “Might I pass?” I ask.
He shrugs, sending spikes of irritation through me, and returns to his resting position on the wall. I stomp past him, hands in fists at my sides. I hear him mutter something under his breath. I twist to glare at him over my shoulder. “What did you say?”
“I said, be careful, Talya.”
I freeze. He knows my name. How does he know my name?
I try to take a few shallow breaths but I can’t breathe. I resume walking across the main road, numb and anxious. When I reach the backside of the building across from the one where I encountered the soldier, I press my forehead against the cold wall. My thoughts are running miles a minute, and it’s all I can do to keep my legs from shaking. I don’t know what to think. I know that I should move.
The blaring sound of a hammer hitting iron brings me back to my senses. I can smell the choking stench of the blacksmith ahead on the path a little ways away. I take a deep breath, returning my focus to the task at hand, and begin to make my way towards the smithy.
After all, I’m not looking for a knight; I’m looking for a sword.