When I am with you I see myself
I see you
I see you seeing me
I see you seeing yourself.
Our physical boundaries disappear and I can’t imagine ever feeling alone again, as long as you are with me.
It’s quite addictive I must admit. Your accurate reflection makes it possible to experience myself with such an intensity, that I keep wanting to go back to that feeling of unity. It's a blessing and a curse to be able to connect with people in that way. Look through their eyes, breath into their feelings. A blessing because making deep connections is the most beautiful thing in the world. We crave it badly, we need it like air. And you know that all to well, that's why you do what you do.
But for you gaining connection also means losing who you are. You learned you couldn't trust people to respect your boundaries and fulfill your needs, unless you gave up yours. Now you made it your expertise to merge with others and to forget yourself, trying to fill this always lingering emptiness inside.
That’s when it became your curse.
Everytime you meet someone, you start to feel suffocated and resentful. You despise them for losing themselves, for needing you. Feeling your sense of self dissolving with every breath they take, or is it yours?
Failing to see that you abandoned yourself to gain the connection in the first place. Convinced you gave them what they wanted, they did not possibly want to connect with you for you.
I guess you will never know, because you won’t take the risk to feel the pain again of being rejected for who you are. Not being sure anymore who that is exactly, losing it while doing what you're doing so perfectly.
Feeling robbed from your identity you need to push away to be able to sense yourself again. Blaming others for being needy and attached, when you were the one who created the enmeshment in the first place. You don't want to need anyone but you make them need you without having to take responsibility. And now you wonder why you attract all these manipulative, controlling people? Maybe you need to wipe away the fog on the mirror.