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3 years. (Part 2)
I did it again. Dropped off the face of the earth for almost two years, just shy of it by a month. But hey it’s not three like last time. I call that a win. So much has happend in two years. Moved to a different school and grade. Finished off the year there. Moved out of the apartment and into a house, still with a roommate. Whom I love dearly. Started the next school year at the same school and…
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This year has been a crazy one. It’s funny how for me the passing of a year isn’t January to December but July to June. I guess one of the effects of being a teacher and seeing everything through the lens of a school year. This has definitely been a year with many ups and downs. I feel like while things have happened every year but this year seems to have had more things happen then the past few years.
There have been some really bad moments and many really great ones. And lots and lots of awkward ones in between.
This puts a close on my third year of teaching. That is such an odd thing to say. The time flies by so quickly sometimes. It has been a better year than the others though I can still see areas that I need major improvement. My focus next year is going to be making sure I start getting to know my students right away. I also know I need to be more consistent in a lot of ways. While I was better at letting my personality out in the classroom this year, I need to continue to let it out more next year. Overall, this school year has been a good one. While there were some stressful moments it was also a year that I learned a lot from.
I have also been just left exhausted at this point. All around in life, not just with school and with personal stuff. There have been stressors in every area of my life it seems. From work to family to personal life and everything in between. While there have been these stressors coming into play there also has been a lot of good things. And for the most part, the stressors that were there seemed to have backed off some, thankfully. That and I’ve grown more accustomed some stressors that have moved them from the stressor column.
Even with a lot of stressors this year has also been filled with a lot of great things as well. Better friendships and relationships with others in general. Building better relationships with my students. There has also been a lot of opportunities for family time this year as my brother joined the military and went off to his first duty post. These good things are how I want to remember the year.
Yes, there where annoyances that happened this year. The stress of selling my grandfather’s house and having to pack it out. Having a fender bender that same week. Numerous flat tires and issues with that. Old court case coming back into light (hopefully that’ll be closed soon). Instances where I feel like I have totally put my foot in my mouth and came across all wrong. Times when things have left me thinking, “Wait, what? Did that actually just happen?” Actually, there have been way too many of those last two things that have happened. While looking back they are not all bad. Actually, most were quite good. At the moment, they didn’t seem that way. Especially when I clam up and can’t think of how to react at the moment. Of course, I can now think back and have at least ten other ways I wish I would have responded. But then again hindsight is always 20/20. We, well I, rarely get that luxury when things are happening.
This past year have opened my eyes to a lot of things. In some ways made me grow in how I see the world around me. Though I must admit, as others would point out if I don’t, there have definitely been moments where instead of growing I would act much younger then I should. But I won’t bore anyone with those details.
There have also been the moments that I see myself trying to do things on my own. I’m still trying to run the show and have control of my life. One thing I have seen and need to continue to work on is to just let go. Give it up to God who has a plan for me and what I need to do. One of the bad things about being stubborn, I try to be stubborn with Him as well. It never really works out well for me though. I have to keep reminding myself to be still and let go.
This past year, well maybe past two, has been one that has rekindled my love of video games. I was so sad last February (2017) when the Xbox One I have gotten for Christmas was stolen from my apartment. Now though I have commandeered my brothers from when he was at Bootcamp in the fall and now that he is at his duty post. I may return it to him eventually but for now, it is living in my living room. I have actually been able to play through quite a few games and beat them.
The last few months have brought me back into using my camera again, as seen in my last series of posts. This week I couldn’t find anything that fit the prompt so I am postponing that and instead worked on taking pictures of Ziva and Kairi, which is always a feat. I really like how these pictures turned out though. They were able to stay still long enough for me to get some really good shots.
Another Year in the Books This year has been a crazy one. It's funny how for me the passing of a year isn't January to December but July to June.
We are asked what do you want to be when you grow up at a fairly young age. I feel like the first time you’re asked, your answer is so whimsical and grand. Of course, at that time you don’t know what it’s going to take and say things like Astronaut, President, Fireman, Police officer. (I wonder how many people actually end up doing what they answered that first time.) That question is one that seems to always stick around, in some way or another, no matter how old you are.
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“Where do you want to go to college?”
” What will your major be?”
“Where will you get a job?”
“How long are you staying at this job?”
“When are you going to settle down and get married?”
“Have kids?”
The questions go on and on. Always being asked whether to us or to ourselves by us, what’s our next step. The question never really goes away. Once you reach/answer one question you start asking the next. Looking around for the next thing you want to do now that you accomplished the current goal.
It’s amazing that we can do anything in the moment because it seems that we are always looking towards to what’s next. If you’re not, then there are times that others look down on you and what you are doing. Said to have your head in the clouds and you need to get it out of them. I wish that we could keep our heads in the clouds sometimes. Not worrying about the next step. Not worrying about rushing forward through life.
There are times my head is so far in the clouds that I am not thinking about the future at all. Then there are other times, seems to be most times, when it seems to consume all of my thoughts. Now it’s not bad to look forward and plan. It just seems as if that becomes the focus of our lives. Instead of us enjoying where we are at and what we are doing, we trying to figure out what will come next.
Back to the original question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. During school years, my answer changed so much. From a vet to marine biologist to zoologist to journalist to lawyer to photographer to a teacher. Thinking back I’m not sure where some of those others came from. They are things that don’t make much sense to me. Though I do feel like I settled on teaching fairly early. It would have been my junior or senior year of high school that I decided that. It stuck and now that’s what I do.
There have been moments though that I have wondered what else I would do. After teaching or even while teaching. One day, I would love to write a novel. I have so many ideas that float around in my head that would love to actually come out. Though it would have to be thoroughly edited since I don’t get along well with grammar.
There are just so many ideas though that are in my head. So many worlds I have created that I would love to have come out on paper. One thing I want to come true one day is to be writing in Paris. I have this image in my head of me sitting at a cafe on the street writing while looking at the Eiffel tower. I’m not sure where that idea came from but it has stuck with me the last few years. Hopefully one day it’ll happen.
There is not much else I can see myself doing, job wise. Teaching is one of the things that I, for the most part, enjoy doing. Outside of that, I would like to eventually have a family. It just hasn’t been the main thing on my radar. I’ve been more focused on my career and such. That seems to be where a lot of those in my immediate friend group are at as well. While I have some friends who already have kids, none in my immediate friend group have any. Though if I’m being honest as I have gotten older over the last few years wanting to have children has been something on my mind. It’ll happen, I’m sure, eventually.
A goal of mine going over these next few months is to let my head be up in the clouds some. While there are things that I need to look ahead to and plan out, I want to have more of a balance. Not so much of the rushing to get to the next worry and so on. Actually get a chance to enjoy where I am at instead of worrying about where I am going, though worrying is something I do very well. But just to have some moments where I am where I am, not planning and worrying.
The photo prompt for this week was clouds. Now when I went to take pictures there were not many clouds out, sadly. I’m not the happiest with these pictures but I do like the one that looks like a heart and the ones of the doggos. Yeah, the doggo pics are my favorite.
Head in the Clouds We are asked what do you want to be when you grow up at a fairly young age.
Hello, It’s me.
I was wondering if after all this time…
Just kidding, I’m not going to do that. Couldn’t help myself there for a minute though.
Sorry.
So I figured what would go better with a self-portrait photo than some reflecting on the past a little bit. So here we go. A letter to my past self.
First of all, I want to say you are awesome. I know there are times you don’t think it, but you are. You love fully and can be loyal to a fault. Mixed with almost too trusting in others and you do end up with a few bumps and bruises.
Secondly, it will get better. I know at the moment it doesn’t seem like it could, it will. All the little things that in your mind are big right now will one day shrink back to the size they are supposed to be. Keep pushing through. Keep trying to see the good in people. Keep trying to reach out.
While some of the friends you will meet will just be passing through, there are some that will change your life. Looking back there are so many friends that have come in and caused you to change in some way. And while some may not be in your life the way they used to be anymore, the impact is still there.
And no, not every relationship (in every sense of the word) you have tried to build will work. That doesn’t define you though. They are just crazy and don’t know what they are missing. Don’t let their rejection define you. They don’t deserve the time you spent worrying about your worth because they missed out.
You are doing what you said you were going to do in High School. Though not the grade level you originally said, you are teaching history. Middle school isn’t that bad. They definitely have their crazy moments though.
You did a lot better in college than you ever thought you would. Still not top of the class, but you did pretty well. And while you become more outgoing in some ways, you did not open up as much as you would have liked. Still stayed to yourself or the small friend group you found. You are still single. You spent more time focusing on friends and school and then work. You don’t really mind it most times. Fewer worries and no drama. Fits since you do for the most part still stick to yourself even now. Just the way you have always been.
You have a roommate who is more like a sister than a friend. It’s what happens when you have a someone who you’ve been friends with and/or lived with for almost eight years. Most of the time spent together is you pestering the other. But it truly is out of jest and affection.
I feel like you have turned out to be a pretty awesome person if I do say so myself. Grew out of that really awkward looking phase that was most of Middle school, High school, and College. Began actually caring about your appearance instead of throwing on literally anything you could find, matching or not. Though there are still times you throw on things that don’t match, just not as often as you once did. I must say though there are still times that you are so awkward. You just don’t know how to act in response to things sometimes.
There is still so much growing for you to do. Even now, I am still learning and growing every day. Hopefully becoming a better person as I am going along.
Sincerely,
Your Older Self
To anyone else who stumbles across and reads this. I hope you know how awesome you are too. Sometimes you don’t think about it, or you choose not to, but you really are an amazing person. There are so many things in the world that want to brings us down, tear us down. While what you are going through now may seem impossible to get through, I promise it will get better. . . Then it’ll get worse again. (Sorry, just being honest) But no matter what you got this and you will do great things if you let yourself. I’m still learning to let myself do that. So I know it is not easy by any means.
Dear Past Me… Hello, It's me. I was wondering if after all this time… Just kidding, I'm not going to do that.
Why is it so hard to think of what to say here. I’m trying to find the balance. I want this to be a placeholder for my photographs that I take as well as something I can look back on can see what I was going through at the time. So not just a placeholder for photos but also memories and my mental state. So a diary of sorts I guess.
The problem that comes up is I don’t live that interesting of a life. Really only consists of two things: work and home. As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, I pretty much am at work until roughly 5 or so. Then I go home and veg out till I decide it is a reasonable time to go to bed. That being said, it can be hard to come up with things to talk about. There just is not much there. Or at least not enough to really write a post about. I will try anyway.
As this is an outlet let be talk about something I’ve been thinking about for awhile. I wish I could snap my fingers and be comfortable with people. That I could turn my introversion on and off like a switch. I never noticed or didn’t care to notice, just how much I let it impact me. There have been so many instances that I wish that I wasn’t so introverted and could say some things that I would really like to say. It never lets me though. There are few people who I can totally let all guards down around. With them, it took awhile to get there. It just takes me time, sometimes I feel like to much time, to really open up and feel comfortable with people.
That being said it explains why most of my photography is either various animals I have in my life or buildings/nature. No human interaction involved there. I really enjoyed being able to take these photos. Just wandering the backyard and getting to look at it through the lens of my camera. Though my ‘models’ were not the most cooperative I was able to get a few good shots in.
Life, in general, is good at the moment. Some worries that had popped of a couple of weeks ago, lessened recently. Allowing my brain to take a slight break. There still is a lot going on but some of the bigger worries are calmed now. As I’ve said before I sometimes wonder if I’m doing this whole thing right. ‘Thing’ can mean so many things at this point.
I wouldn’t say I’ve lived a sheltered life, but that my priorities have not really matched up with others my age. So that can leave a lot of things left undone. Hanging out with friends and building those relationships and working on school have always taken the bulk of my attention. Chock introversion in the mix and you can see where I am going.
This can leave me fumbling in certain situations. Mostly because I honestly don’t know how to react or what to say. I feel like this year has made this pop up a whole lot more than it has in the past. But it is moments like these that have me questioning if I’m doing things right. I’m trying the best I can, but there is always that part of me that worries that others think or if I’m doing something wrong.
Honestly, photography is one of the few places where those issues don’t seem to bother me that much. I can just be behind my camera and capture the world around me. It can be freeing. I am going to try and pick it back up more consistently. Which I already have. I’ve taken more pictures in the last few months than I have in a year or two. These last few months have been really nice in being able to have that hobby back.
I want to start one of the 30-day challenges just to make me pick it up and find something that fits that topic. So I will hopefully have more pictures to show soon. Not sure how often I will post them. Probably not every day. I know myself to well to try and do that. I may try every week or two. Maybe that time span will also help me with having things to say in the posts.
Placeholder Why is it so hard to think of what to say here. I'm trying to find the balance.
Loss is an odd thing.
Within the last two days, I have been reminded of the loss of two grandparents. About a day ago was the year anniversary of my grandfather’s death and today was the birthday of my grandmother. Both were my Dad’s parents. Sadly they were ones that I was not very close with, insert complicated circumstances here.
But that is a story for another day.
Even though you may not have been close to someone, their death can still be very shocking and saddening. It makes you think of things you should have done. Things you wish you had said. Time you wish you would have spent with them.
Of the two I was closest to my grandfather, my Papi. I am not their biological granddaughter, my dad adopted me, but he never made me feel excluded, especially after I moved to Arkansas for school. He always tried to strike up a conversation about something with me. History to Photography to just what was happening in my life.
It’s those moments that I miss the most. And I wish I would have done better about doing the same. That is one thing I also regret the most. That I didn’t reach back out as much as I could have. Things were complicated, to say the least, and those things got in my way. Well, I let them get in my way.
I mean, he lived literally less than five mins away from me. But I never really went over to see him. I constantly ask myself why did I let things get in my way. There towards the end, he was in the hospital or rehab again really close and I could have visited. In my defense, he was pulling through and seemed to be doing better when he did die. So I did not totally see it coming. But still. Why couldn’t I drive over and see him? I know why I let my self not but in hindsight, it seems so small to the fact I could have spent time with Papi.
Papi had his faults but he was also a man who deeply loved and cared for his family. He was an artist in every sense of the word, working with many different mediums. Another thing I regret is that I didn’t pick his brain about different things about Photography. I could have learned so much.
Now my grandmother, my Mimi, I was not as close to. But she like Papi was a woman who deeply cared for and loved her family. She could almost always be found toting LSU items and colors just to irritate Papi, who was a die hard razorback fan. They were the reson those house devided things were made.
I was trying to find any pictures I had taken of them and was only able to find these of Papi, holding my cousin’s daughter.
On a lighter note, I did get to see my other grandparents this past weekend as they stopped through on their way somewhere else. It’s always nice to be around them. So because I was with them I had two of my favorite models around since I was home, and was able to get some pictures.
I bet you thought I was talking about my grandparents, didn’t you? I didn’t get them this time. Maybe next time they will be my models.
One last thing before I head off.
Cherish the moments you have with people.
As cliche as it sounds, it’s something that far to often we don’t do and later regret the most. You truly never really know if you have ten more years to grow and nurture a relationship or only a couple days. Today has brought that to mind for me. And I hope that I can keep that close to my heart as I am interacting with my friends and family.
Anyways let me stop before I get super cheesy. I can feel my self-heading there.
Loss Loss is an odd thing. Within the last two days, I have been reminded of the loss of two grandparents.
A week off can do wonders for a person. One of the perks of teaching, you get some intermittent breaks. Though you always tell yourself how much you are going to get done, and yet a lot of it sits not touched and undone. Though there is much to be said about the opportunity to sit and do nothing. It can be one of the best things to do when your life is normally in constant motion.
It’s only a couple days past my birthday, which was both exciting and terrifying. Exciting because it is a time when I can celebrate me and surviving another year. Terrifying because it means another year has gone by. They seem to go by so quickly as I’ve gotten older. I blink and six months have gone by. Another blink and a year has gone. Although this can be a time used to think about all the things have learned this year. Or all the good memories that have been created.
The past few weeks have been good and annoying. It has also made me realize how much people annoy me. Right now I am currently waiting to be served for a court case of an accident that happened about 4 1/2 years ago. Now this was an accident where I was 100% at fault. I will admit that. However this was a very minor accident. One that left no evidence on my car. So this happened I went back to school and lived my life. Then 3 years later I get a call saying the guy and his wife are suing me. So all the paperwork for the case started happening but eventually the case was dismissed. However they had a year to refile. And what do they decide to do. . . .refile. This has been very frustrating situation all around.
Such a great birthday present.
I was able to pick up my camera a bit and snap some pictures of Hetty and Gibbs. I really need to find people to practice taking pictures of. A majority of my pictures are of animals. Don’t get me wrong I really enjoy taking pictures of them, I just would like some diversity sometimes.
Those were the best pictures. And the random selfie I decided to include. I will say I can’t complain much about this models. They like to lay around a lot, which can make getting a picture not to difficult.
That’s all that I can really think to talk about right now. I may try a specific topic to talk about next time. Maybe even take pictures based on it. I don’t know, we shall see. I’m just happy that it wasn’t three years between posts again.
That was bad, lets hope that doesn’t happen again.
Spring Break Puppies A week off can do wonders for a person. One of the perks of teaching, you get some intermittent breaks.
3 years…
So it has been three years and a couple months since I’ve even thought about picking this up and writing a post. So much has happened, yet not that much at the same time. Which is kinda ridiculous since it has been so long. 3 years. I’m finishing up my third full year of teaching, which I love doing. I love being in my classroom. I, weirdly enough, love this middle school age, though it has taken…
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I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun. —Pride & Prejudice (2005) dir. Joe Wright
#Now you know Killian #Snowing approve of you so much # they want you to join their family # as their son in law
Lizzie Bennet basically anytime Darcy speaks to her:
Look closely, because that screenplay says THE LIZZIE BENNET WEDDING
Legend tells of an artifact hidden within the lost city that holds the soul of a powerful prophet. It is said that those who possess it will be granted immortality.
Join Lara on an epic quest through sand and snow to discover the secret to immortality in Rise of the Tomb Raider: 20 Year Celebration.
“Costumes are also used to show Mr. Darcy’s evolution as he comes to love Elizabeth Bennet and let go of his snobbery. His costume had a series of stages. The first time we see him he’s at Meryton, where he has a very stiffly tailored jacket on, and he’s quite contained and rigid. He stays in that rigid form for the first part of the film. By the time we get to the proposal that goes wrong in the rain, we move to a similar cut, but a much softer fabric. And then later he’s got a completely different cut of coat, not interlined, and he wears it undone. The nth degree is him walking through the mist in the morning, completely undressed by 18th-century standards. It’s absolutely unlikely, but then Lizzie’s in her nightie, so what can you say?”
(Jacqueline Durran, Costume designer)
could write a sonnet about his arms
No limb more fair has ever Nature fashioned (Well-aided by a strict workout routine): The very sight’s enough to make impassioned The fangirl dazzled by their bronzéd gleam. Too often covered in their suit of plaid And hidden from the world’s desiring gaze Their sculpted sinews, seen, can drive one mad; Can clog one’s thoughts with treacly lust for days. One sinks in dreams of heated, strong embracing Of being lifted, carried feather-light; One finds oneself pulse-quickened, blood swift-racing, Racked with hot lust through fever-stricken nights. Yes truly, chief in danger ‘mongst his charms Are the golden-sculpted curves of Jared’s arms.
They don’t really touch. Women don’t shake hands with men. So the first time Darcy touches Elizabeth is when he helps her into the carriage. Which is a really beautiful moment because it’s the first skin on skin touch. I think today, we don’t think twice about that at all. I shake people’s hands, I give them a kiss, whatever. It’s interesting to think, if you don’t have that tactile nature, how important one touch can be. - Keira Knightley
