welp, i turned 27 almost three weeks ago and no tumblr post! maybe i'm finally becoming an adult.
k and i went to our slow flow thursday 7 a.m. yoga (note: i am disgusted to be a regular at a yoga class now) and there was a substitute teacher who was all flow no slow. so i sulked afterwards and we ate tacos. then went home, sat around, taught piano, worked briefly, went home and took a lil nap maybe? taught my second thursday piano lesson, answered the questions with lindsey, and then k and i had really really incredible sushi and watched the finale of the pitt. they got me a pair of sweatpants with the taco bell logos all over them, two photos of us in frames, and a copy of moby dyke. overall 9/10 birthday
evaluating my goals from last year:
start running consistently (3-4 days a week) once i'm done with this gd graduate degree FAILED although i am exercising daily again
go t4t in a real practiced way (i.e. go on another date with a trans person) HIGH PASS. good job jason!
figure out how to deal with my boss in a healthy way if i don't quit my current job PASSED i.e. i'm quitting my job in two weeks
start my blog back up (NOT on tumblr this time!!!) EH - i mean, i have a blog platform with one post that i've never promoted
write at least 12 physical letters FAILED - i wrote zero physical letters
new goals from this year:
promote my blog before i announce that i'm going to seminary
continue to blog through seminary
keep a healthy relationship with sacred harp as a musical / spiritual practice i enjoy without getting so deeply entrenched in the male homosocial politics and dating drama that i start to resent the entire community and quit
i was smart enough to keep a calendar this year, so here are my highlights real quick-like before i go sightsee gay guys at postino's with k and the girls:
"smooth green snake" - possibly the funniest bit MS and i will ever have
"beet hummus w/ eggs and toast" - a very good meal i had in january
"I love that one" aka the day that all the voice perf students in my opera analysis class responded to every single gd opera mentioned with "i love that one"
"Brown University snow pile" - a reminder of R and his daughter
"fast and mean" - Daryl's self-professed teaching style
"Bukkake Cuckin' " - Michael's smite name
"lookout tower" with the bird guy
"Susannah" a long discussion in opera class about racial tension
March 2 just says "love" with a heart, and I hope I never forget why
"hot bagel shop" when R brought it into the office
my notes from lindsey's visit: "ACDA" "shitty diner bacon" "tickets" "every meal in Leipzig" and "no Spanish"
another heart on March 23, when we had church and went to Pearl and went to Iris's birthday and the fancy mexican place and sacred harp
"HOLE!" before gay cornhole got awful
"PROM?" when the bird guy and i were birding at EFL
"porch wine" one of the most transcendental friendship experiences I've had
"Jon H------ pulpit mic solo Hallelujah chorus AHHHHHHH!!!!!! :( " is self explanatory
"Dibs" on May 8 was devastating
"secret underground train" a fake thing at IAH coming home from Philadelphia
"Scooter flag" at my barber's room
"transvestigation" with a heart on June 3 - this was when I went walking with Ian, and I think that morning Doug and I met about the art gallery for the first time
"vibrator" which Nina doesn't have yet
"DQ" with Perry & Nancy & John after Sacred Harp (the first time)
June 28 with a heart for the pride parade
"Covenant is great" aka the dumbest thing I've said on video
July 12 has "Parcheesi" with a heart. I don't think I've ever played Parcheesi but the heart is for Willa, the long awaited one who was finally born, and breakfast with Grace and dinner with Grace II and Carlos
"14 dildos" in the drawer at the girls' house
"At the Christening of an Infant" poem in the UH library
"ally!" at the dive bar in EADO
"he had sex with a woman?" thank you fish hands
"Robert C----- getting attacked by dogs" on the day I preached in August
"Ruth 1:16" and a heart on August 30 at the convention in Jarrell, getting filets o' fish with Claire
"Jesus walked on concrete" thank you Gus
"Anne G-----" on the first young adult discussion group day
"clit pussy" about that dumb trans baseball book
"name 10 fruits" at anne's birthday with a heart, one of the funniest nights of my life
a heart on November 1 "Southwest" at the convention in Dallas
and then the slow assimilation of K endearing themself into my life: "petition" "cat voices" "waddle" "green gatorade" "dildo vending machine guardian" "lemon tree" "God gifted me a ------" "xeno" "kitten" "remember" and "*** ***" with a heart on December 30
some people think writers are so eloquent and good with words, but the reality is that we can sit there with our fingers on the keyboard going, “what’s the word for non-sunlight lighting? Like, fake lighting?” and for ten minutes, all our brain will supply is “unofficial”, and we know that’s not the right word, but it’s the only word we can come up with…until finally it’s like our face got smashed into a brick wall and we remember the word we want is “artificial”.
there needs to be an update to this post that fits the post-2008 period because all his modern songs are like. I wasn't scared of dying for far too long. Stories filled with blood get told to feel alive. There's nothing you won't do when the vampire pulls you. And you're too far gone to question why.
in the aftermath of the exponential horrors of october, k snuck up on me and oh! what a gentle unfolding this like-with-the-potential-of-love has been, desire in the way that i've long dreamed of desiring and being desired. slow and soft and intimate, quiet, so devoid of drama that there's truly nothing to write home about
another year, ending in a multiple of five; another trip to my grandma's house while in a complicated situation with a boy. i can pretend that my life doesn't follow sick patterns or i can live into it and enjoy her okay cooking, her ferocity over scrabble, the trips to the diner and the drive to star hill. so much is going well - i love almost all of my job and i have a rich network of friends. i'm doing ministry in a way that feels authentic and fruitful. my future is painfully full of rich new prizes.
jason, remember this please when you read this blog post over the next few trying weeks and months: this boy isn't ready for you, not yet, and if he does come around, approach with extreme caution. you are bright and sober and athletic and emotionally composed. you have done the work. you have been crowned with love and compassion. he is beautiful, intelligent, gentle, and has no idea who he is or what he wants. you cannot do this to yourself again. you were really happy two weeks ago before the cracks in the foundation appeared, and you were happy before you started going out with him. now you're delirious with stress and addicted to checking your phone. he's not going to text back. i love you. i love you. i love you
taller weaker tree / you sleep in the afternoon, like magic / your head is a cave / captivating, dark & hollow / i negotiate the same space but smaller / & more intimate
pinpricks in my skin of light water oxygen / arm cold / small under a strap / exploring
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