Eddie Kaspbrak. Loser.
Eddie was all the more delicate because he sometimes suspected he was not delicate at all; Eddie needed to be protected from his own dim intimations of possible bravery.
Mike had been here long enough to know Shadyside like the back of his hand. It wasn’t very big, around the same size as Derry, so it honestly didn’t take long. He was walking home from work when he saw a familiar face. “Eds!” Mike ran over and gave him a huge hug. “You don’t know how good it is to see you, Eddie.”
confusion was immediate as eddie felt the arms wrapping around him in a rather familiar hug, brows furrowing as his name left the stranger’s mouth. what the actual hell?? “dude, hey, what the fuck are you even doing right now??” he questioned, words spilling out rapidly. “it’s seriously not a smart idea to go around hugging random people on the street, and how the fuck do you even know my name??”
he’s yet to be sent away , so this - this is a win . richie absolutely lights up with this new , very vital piece of information . the name , this stranger’s name , makes something funny fizzle in the back of his mind . like he’s heard it before , very specifically . maybe the drinks are finally catching up to him . ❝ okay , well , that’s a terrible last name , edward . we’ll just have to take mine , eventually . ❞ zing ! he’s turning toward the bar again , accepting another flat long island , of which he immediately takes a long swig to ‘ refuel ’ . as pleased as he is with his own work so far , something about eddie has richie feeling like he needs to do more , up the ante and keep his attention just a little longer . ❝ something good , i hope ! see , talking to me must be a little more fun than sitting alone brooding . you don’t have the face for that anyway . ❞ he grins , draws himself up tall - barely lets the sentence reach it’s end - ❝ because you’re taking my breath away . nailed it ! c’mon , cheers that one ! ❞
nearly choking on his next sip of beer at the next pick-up line, eddie all but sputters, willing the reddening of his cheeks to diminish as quickly as possible. this was absolutely ridiculous. why in the world was he still entertaining all of this when nearly every part of him was screaming to turn away and make a run for it. “it’s eddie,” he snips instead, tone sharp. something about that reminder feels vaguely familiar as though they’ve both done this a hundred times before. an impossible thought when eddie has never met this man before in his life, and he’s beginning to think that was likely for the best. there’s something dangerous stirring in the pit of his stomach -- something his mother had always warned him against. “talking to you actually feels worse than someone dragging their nails down a chalkboard, but i’m starting to think you get that a lot. i mean, seriously, are you always like this??” best to ignore the way his stomach flutters at the obvious flirting. or how a part of him wants to bask in it. “wow, you actually managed to finish that terrible line. i’m sure you have so many people swooning over it.” he does, however, raise the beer bottle in a more sarcastic motion. “who even are you??’
- O P E N STARTER ! pink lips will open slightly , she sees the car the other is by smoking and she practically JUMPS to run over , mechanic hat ? on . ‘ woah , woah - is this your car ? because it’s about like , five minutes from catching on fire . mind if i force pop the hood ? ’ just incase the other isn’t the car’s owner , she doesn’t want to see it catching on fire , regardless !
turning quickly at the unfamiliar voice, anxiety already spiking due to the situation, he can already feel himself slipping into panic mode. the fact of the matter is that eddie knows what to do when a situation like this happens. he knows cars, knows them better than people actively expect him to. but right now, his mind is blank. “yes, yes go right ahead,” he responds, words pouring out all too quickly.
❝ not always , ❞ is richie’s instantaneous response , unhindered where he leans against the bar top in some attempt of nonchalance . he’s not easily shaken in general , no , but the calculating look in the other’s eye could take down a lesser man easily . ❝ i’m usually much worse with names . here , give me yours and i’ll show you . ❞ with what can only be described as pride , richie beams and nods his head once , short and definitive . ❝ and you were the one ignoring it . matchmade . ❞ he turns his head to quip a quick order to the bartender , who only barely acknowledges richie’s request . ❝ on a real note , if you’re not interested , you’re not interested . and i’ll leave right now , into the night . but consider this - what else are you doing ? sitting here alone like a little gargoyle . ❞ and he’s pleased with this argument , surprisingly enough . ❝ do you know cpr , though ? I’m feeling fucking winded . ❞
breathing out a rather heavy sigh, he doesn’t bother to cover up the eye roll at yet another attempt at what eddie could only assume was flirting. while he might not have too much experience himself, either flirting or being flirted with, even he can assume that this was all truly terrible. still, there’s some amusement to it all even if that carefully calculated look thrown at the other hasn’t faded remotely. “eddie kaspbrak, and i’m only telling you that just to see what terrible punchline you pull next.” shifting a bit in the bar seat, elbow moving to rest atop the bar, eddie slides his gaze away from the man. can feel that all too familiar feeling of uncertainty -- his mother’s voice always ringing away in his ears. he shouldn’t be here. shouldn’t be entertaining any of this. but something, deep down, has eddie firmly rooted in his seat. “you’re the one that came to this gargoyle, so what does that say about you??” he quipped, taking a sip of his beer. clearly it was needed. “i do, but i’m pretty sure you’re going to fuck the line up again.”
he’s been gearing himself up now for , oh , eight straight minutes . and by gearing up , that’s to say he’s downed four ( 4 ) weak long islands and a shot bummed off the wedding party on the other side of the room - richie’s fired up ! and he’s had eyes on the stranger across the bar , who has yet to give him the time of day despite what richie would say are very alluring glances over the rim of his glass . well , if you want something done right … or however it goes . he swigs the last bit of his drink and makes his merry way over . positions himself in the space beside this object of his hazy affection , taps his shoulder and garners his attention . ❝ hey - do you know cpr ? ❞ a pause , but not long enough . ❝ because you’re the only ten — wait , fuck me , no . hold on . ❞ he racks his brain . ❝ because you’ve been running … ? no . i swear , i know it . ❞
nursing a beer that should have likely been gone already for the length of time he had been sitting at this bar, eddie couldn’t help but get lost in his many thoughts. an easy thing to do when things had only continuously piled up as of late, the stress of it all only weighing heavily upon his shoulders. glancing down at the bottle in hand, he could feel the odd sensation of eyes on him -- one that he was more than perfectly fine ignoring. he hadn’t come to this bar to meet anyone, or do much of anything else aside from have a beer or two. and he was perfectly content to do just that until the tapping at his shoulder came, eddie turning his head to meet the eyes of the stranger that had approached him. “do you always fuck up your pick-up lines this spectacularly??” he questioned, brow quirked. “i’d help you out, but i’ve never really bothered to learn any of them. let me guess -- you were the one i could feel eyeing me, then??”
was that EDDIE KASPBRAK? i just saw the TWENTY-FOUR year old wandering around SUNNYVALE at the SHADYVALE UNIVERSITY and i could have sworn it was AXEL AURIANT instead. last i checked, he was in STEPHEN KING’S IT, how did they end up here WITHOUT any memories? i’ve heard they’re very COURAGEOUS, RESOURCEFUL, TIMID, GERMAPHOBIC but they’ve always reminded me of A HAND GRASPING DESPERATELY FOR AN INHALER, TOO FAST SPEAKING, AND A CAST FROM CHILDHOOD COVERING UP THE WORD LOSER TO LOVER. i wonder if they saw the witch too..
tw: death, homophobia, violence, general pennywise fuckery
CANON
at a very young age, his father died from cancer and it ultimately resulted in his mother becoming extremely protective of him. she constantly wanted to keep him safe and it even got the the point where she made eddie believe he had certain illnesses, such as severe asthma, that he didn’t actually have.
any time that he would try to rebel against her, usually encouraged by hanging out with richie, his mom would repress his feelings and emotions which resulted in fears manifesting about the world around him, diseases, standing up for himself, and his sexuality.
prior to the actual beginning of the losers club, eddie and bill had been friends for a while before.
eventually the losers club forms and they begin to be terrorized by it. the first instance for eddie is when he is passing by the house on 29 neibolt street and feels drawn to the place and unable to tear himself away from it. this results in pennywise using his fears against him, and eddie is confronted by a hobo suffering from disease who chases him. while he barley manages to escape, he catches sight of the clown before he runs off.
the group begin to tell one another about their own strange encounters with it, and ultimately they all come together in order to fight it.
the first time results in eddie breaking an arm and almost dying. while the group disbands for a while, they all come back together with eddie rebelling against his mom and they face down pennywise again. this time, they believe they’ve won
before they all part, the losers all agree to come back to derry should pennywise not actually be dead and they all go on with their lives.
eddie goes on with his life. he becomes a risk analyst and marries a woman that is very much like his mom.
time passes and they’re all called back to derry whenever it begins to become active once more. the losers club once more comes together to fight back against the clown. while they do ultimately defeat it, eddie is unfortunately killed. it impales him through the chest after eddie attacked the clown in an attempt to save richie from the deadlights.
despite richie wanting to believe he was alive, eddie is dead and is left behind while the rest of the losers escape.
Shadyside
eddie doesn’t remember anything from his past. he is completely clueless to all of the horrors and death and pain that was his life.
right now, eddie is trying to figure out what he really wants to do with his life after finishing undergrad. his overprotective mother wants him to do something safe like business. but, truthfully, eddie is interested in the medical field.
still grew up very similarly to canon. over protective mother, germaphobic, hypochondriac.
HEADCANONS
while eddie is very timid and fearful a lot of the time, he is able to find his bravery and hold onto it whenever his friends are in danger. most of the time, at least. he really tries to be brave.
eddie is gay. derry wasn’t the best town to feel safe in that feeling, and it resulted in a lot of internalized homophobia for him. while he did marry his wife, he never really loved her and it was just his way of pretending he was normal.
this isn’t something jacen wants to discuss. with anyone. it’s no one’s business - and certainly not kylo ren’s business. he doesn’t need to know about jacen’s doubts or concerns, doesn’t need to be aware of the conflict at having taken a life. at having taken such an involved step in the first order’s directive. he’s been doing their contracts for a long time, but this is… different. this contract had been very different.
he can’t help but wince a little under his helmet, thankful kylo can’t see it. this is not the man to show his doubts, especially given how many well-paying contracts the man gives him. he doesn’t need kylo to think he’s not capable. but.. he also knows kylo’s reputation. while this is none of his business, jacen has a feeling kylo could find the truth if he really wanted to. and not just a feeling… there’s something else. a sensation he can’t put his finger on. something uncomfortable and - oh - “get out of my head -” jacen barely manages to keep the words a few steps behind a snarl as the realisation hits him. he’s not trained well enough in the force to be able to do more than try and resist, and even then it’s not likely to do much to someone as powerful as kylo. “get out and i’ll - i’ll tell you. just - just stop it.”
he’s persistent if nothing else. if kylo is after something whether it be information or anything else he deemed important, then there wasn’t much of a chance that he would let it slip through his fingers. this information was only important because he couldn’t allow the knowledge that the first order’s most successful bounty hunter was second guessing things after a particular contract. he wasn’t about to let that happen.
dume actually noticing his prodding within his mind certainly came as a bit of a surprise. kylo had sensed the force around him, though it was certainly untrained and he hadn’t imagined it was anything worth looking into. he much preferred to keep others untrained around him, hence the knights not being fully trained in the ways of the force despite their own potential for it. “interesting, i didn’t expect you to actually catch on to that,” he mused. even so, kylo pulled back on the prodding, relinquishing his hold if it meant that he would be getting the information he wanted. otherwise he’d be more than content to take whatever he wanted. “there. i’m no longer prodding around in your mind. now you’re going to tell me what i want to know.”
their eyes trailed his frame as it went back and forth, wondering where he might have been in this very moment. somewhere with the first order, perhaps his own chambers where he did not have to worry about being caught or overheard. that would have been preferable to the back alley that she was in, hoping that some city patrol or no one else would stumble upon her while the bond between them was open. they didn’t want their position to be given away accidentally. she didn’t fear seeing him face to face again, but if he knew where the base was, that would end in catastrophe.
“you can’t let go of the past any more than i can!” rey accused him. they know exactly how guilty they are of holding onto it, wearing their hair in those damn three buns for over a decade with the hope her mother might come home and recognize them. it never happened. their hair had only just began to come down. “and if i changed my mind? what then? do you have a plan?” she won’t, couldn’t, refused to abandon those that had stood beside her. except when it came to him, it was so much more complicated. the frown dug deep into her features, but it’s not quite spite in their eyes as she looked up at him. “it doesn’t have to be this way. please.”
moments like these were ones where kylo was glad that he was alone now, locked away in his chambers with strict instructions on now to disturb. prior to this connection opening between the two of them, he’d been trying to meditate and focus his thoughts through the force on everything that was going to eventually happen. leave it to rey to interrupt him, of course, even if neither of them had any control over this. it was easier to blame someone else. it would have been even easier if she had been willing to tell him the location of the base, but kylo knew that would be a losing battle. they were going to forever be on opposite sides of the force and the war.
they weren’t wrong, as loathed as he would be to actually admit it. neither one of them were good at letting go of the past and moving on from it. kylo was still conflicted no matter how much he had trained to be otherwise. “you keep pretending like you know me but you don’t !!” it was just an idea of him, one planted in her head by his former master. ben solo was dead. he’d make sure to bury that part of himself. “of course i do. i’d take control of the first order personally, take care of the person who thinks they can lead in my place after snoke. we’d rule the galaxy side by side, crush the resistance once and for all. you could have anything you wanted.” nothing would be able to stop them. for the moment, he meets their gaze, could see the pleading. “we both know it has to be this way.”
The color black is associated with power, fear, mystery, strength, formality, elegance, death, drama, rebellion, and sophistication. Authoritative and powerful, the color black can evoke strong emotions and too much black can be overwhelming. In heraldry, black is the symbol of grief.
jacen needs to get out of here. immediately. it’s not kylo’s fault - it’s not anyone’s fault, really. but he needs… time. to himself. needs to settle, take a moment to reconcile what he’s done. the line he’s crossed. a line he never - planned to cross, even when he decided on his new path as a bounty hunter. this was never meant to happen.
he did his job. to the letter. he’s never failed a contract, and he wasn’t going to start now. especially not given the forcefield is beginning to weaken, and he’s been paid in a top of the line ship he can use with just enough space for what he needs. “of course it did. i always handle the contracts i take.” jacen responds, just on the edge of snapping. something that isn’t… wise, around a man like kylo. but he’s simply a contractor. why should kylo ren care how jacen feels about this contract? “i’m fine. i just want to look over this ship, make sure i’m not being short-changed.”
normally this wouldn’t be any sort of concern for kylo, especially when it came to someone that he had hired to do a job. dume had been paid for a job, one that had been done successfully and it should have been a simple task of paying him and being done with it all. yet there was something under the surface that made him pause, made him question things that he hadn’t been before. this wasn’t just an uncertainty of whether the job had been done well or correctly, no. this was something that went far deeper than that.
“i’m fully aware of that, and you performed this contract perfectly well. there is no question about that.” the authorities had turned on the resistance, the first order now had more support and sooner or later they would find the base and end them all once for all. “we’ve never short-charged you anything, and we’re both aware of that. you’re more than welcome to take your payment but not until we finish this conversation. you’re hiding something. why do you feel like this?? you should be elated at a job well done. but you feel conflicted over... something.”
patrols are a double-edged sword, at times. kuruk’s place is.. in the air, on rooftops, settled in a sniper’s nest and waiting for his mark. but at this point it’s good to be making movement. to focus on his work, on what he was forged for. he’s just lined up a number of suspected resistance supporters, ensuring that they understand the danger of resisting arrest before letting the troopers take care of them.
“sir.” he says as kylo approaches. he can only imagine how their leader must be feeling about this. finally able to get their cause moving again is no doubt a relief. “this sector is clear, for the time being. the sympathisers will be taken for questioning.” no doubt someone will reveal something. it’s only a matter of time, given their… methods. “your orders?”
never was a sight more pleasing than all of this. finally, the first order was able to take back their rightful position and do what they should have been able to do since the beginning of this war. the resistance was at their mercy no matter how they tried to fight or gain more support.their support was no longer applicable on the planet, not when the authorities believed that they were the ones who had caused all of this chaos and destruction around them. their plan had worked seamlessly it seemed.
“excellent,” he remarks, words filtered out by the voice modulator of the mask. “they’ll be made right at home in our prisons.” they all knew someone would break once more pressure was applied to their prisoners. “we need to continue capitalizing on the resources granted to us by the authorities. we need to scope out another sector, find resistance spies rather than just those who sympathize with them. they’ll be more likely to have the base location and we’re not stopping until we have it.”
poe snorted at his comment eyes rolling. didn’t exist. that was… typical for him to just ignore everything. poe was used to being disappointed in kylo. or afraid or– it didn’t matter. he wouldn’t do anything now. “someone that doesn’t exist. good to know you’re not standing right here.”
poe could tell he was annoyed. that he wished he could kill poe here. poe put a hand on his hip, a head tilting some at his comment, “i could sat the same about the first order. guess a ceasefire is making us all less busy.”
leave it to poe of all people to continue sassing him no matter the situation. maybe in another point of his life this had been something he’d been accustomed to. something that he had even enjoyed once upon a time just to have a bit of a laugh even if it had been at his own expense sometimes. “seems your lack of humor has only become worse over the years,” he drawls out. “you know precisely what i mean, don’t act stupid. it’s not a fitting look on you.”
all he wanted to do right now was reach out with the force, likely wrap it around poe’s throat to make him shut up for once in his kriffing life. but kylo knew he couldn’t stoop to that right now no matter how simple of a task it would be. “i’m sure you’re enjoying yourself. likely thinking you’re going to gain something from this all.”
something was off. that was the first thing that hit kylo the moment that the other had entered the room. focusing in on it for a moment, reaching through the force to prod, brows furrowed in confusion behind the mask covering his features. what he had found wasn’t something expected considering that the mission had gone off without fail, the tides of the war finally turning in their favor. kylo had known this would be their time once the mission went off, knew that the first order would finally be able to crush the resistance beneath their feet now that the planet officials were backing them.
so what was bother the bounty hunter?? “the mission went off without a hitch, i heard. you’ve clearly earned your reward.” still, kylo didn’t like this feeling he was getting from the other. that feeling of uncertainty. “i expected you to feel accomplished, yet there’s something else. why do you feel so uncomfortable, dume??” // @wrongsyndulla
something about his outburst only grounded rey’s beliefs further in believing that they were right –– that his frustration must have been rooted in denial about her being right and him being wrong. if they gave up on ben, then what? leia’s death lost its meaning. losing faith in him felt like some kind of betrayal. but it went deeper than the loyalty she felt to the figure that they had tried desperately to make a mother out of. looking at him felt like looking into a cracked mirror, some kind of broken understanding coming with it. because when they had felt so utterly alone… he had been there. he’d understood. he couldn’t do that and be as lost to the darkness as he claimed.
“you turned against him, and i stood beside you to kill snoke.” getting in his face does nothing in this setting and yet they did not shy away from it. he couldn’t hurt her. wouldn’t, they thought naively. “you can’t hide him from me. i know that he’s there. that you’re still him, deep down.” she pleaded. “you know that i could never support the first order. what did you think would happen if i did take your hand? between us, within the galaxy?”
his patience for the conversation at this point was completely lost. not that kylo tended to have much of it to begin with, but it always seemed to dissipate the quickest whenever the two of them came into contact no matter the situation they found themselves in. rey’s clear desire to bring him back towards the light, the constant back and forth within himself just became too much sometimes and this was one of those moments. he doesn’t want to listen, wants to scream and shout and destroy things rather than face any of this. whatever this kriffing bond was between the two of them.
instead of doing any of that, kylo glowers before he’s turning away, choosing to pace back and forth rather than focus on them. it was much easier to focus on his thoughts that way. “i am fully aware of what happened,” he grit out. of course he was. those memories played out clearly in his mind. ignoring the words for a few moments, kylo finally stops the pacing, rounding on her once more though he couldn’t do anything more than that. “you can never let go of anything, can you?? you can’t let go of the past, you can’t let go of this.” it felt never ending. “--i don’t know.” the question had caught him off guard, left him feeling agitated. “why does it matter now?? you made your decision.”
as untrained as he might be, jacen can still sense.. things. feels things aren’t really going the right way. so kylo’s annoyance at just talking about the ceasefire is pretty obvious, even to him. he almost regrets bringing it up, but in a way it’s useful to know. jacen has a pretty diverse skillset so even with the ceasefire he’s received enough contracts, but he’s noticed the shift. work’s not quite as simple to come by, and it’s generally boring. “i wasn’t saying otherwise.” he points out. “i’m sure it won’t last long.”
as much as moving about the ceasefire isn’t quite as simple as it sounds, jacen’s still ready to take the jobs he can. he does this for a reason. not for the credits, but - to move the galaxy towards something better. something safer. that’s why he does what he does. he’s sure his parents, now that they’re here, they couldn’t possibly understand. but they don’t need to. no one does, jacen’s fine with that. he hums thoughtfully at the information, considering his options. he’s sure he could find most of that, but.. “that’s much more difficult than your usual requests. you understand that, right?” jacen comments, crossing his arms over his chest. it’s possible, absolutely. but very dangerous. and jacen’s going to have to open himself up to some.. old wounds to be successful. “the fee for this will be much higher than my usual contracts.”
that was the only thing keeping him from completely coming unglued and actually doing something about this kriffing ceasefire. it wasn’t going to last long no matter what the resistance may think. or their supporters. something was going to bend and break, and kylo was going to make certain of that. “i suppose we’ll just have to see what happens.” either way, he was going to find some way to end it. for now, he would content himself with trying to track down the necessary information with the use of dume. it was the only thing he could do right now.
the ask is a difficult one, that much he is fully aware of. that doesn’t mean he’s going to change his mind and figure out another option. if they were going to figure out the resistance’s plans and their location, this was how they were going to do it. at the bounty hunter’s words, kylo can only give a shrug, uninterested in the higher price that would come from it all. money was not an issue for the first order, not with many of the supporters they had backing them. “of course i understand the difficulty of this ask. you’ve proven yourself effective and efficient which is why i wouldn’t offer such a contract to anyone else. credits are of no issue. name your price and i’ll make it happen so long as we receive the information.”
nothing had changed, then. they were still stuck on opposing sides of a war, sides that could not have been more different, yet there was still something about their bond that the force had linked together. rey couldn’t help but wonder if she would ever have any real answers to why her, why then and why now again. but from what had occurred the last time… she couldn’t help but feel a surge of hope for him. there was still a chance and this had to be the proof. what other reason could there possibly be?
“no, he’s not. you keep trying to bury him and you can’t.” rey insisted stubbornly, a scowl crossing her features. she took a step toward him, like it might actually close any of the distance between them. “why else would the force connect us? there’s something more there. you know as well as i do what happened. both of the things that we saw came true.” even if it had not exactly been how she expected with that fight in the throne room, snoke dead, him offering her a hand.
this wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have now, or ever. kylo was already overly frustrated with everything that was going on. the ceasefire, the new leadership in place when he should have been the one to take over the first order and crush the resistance personally. this kriffing bond between the two of them that never seemed to many sense no matter what they did, no matter the research he poured over in their time apart. and then it was her seemingly unwavering belief that he was something more, something that had died so long ago.
“you don’t know a thing !!” he shouted, that anger coming loose, gaze narrowing as he watched them step closer despite the knowledge that it wouldn’t do a thing. folding his arms across his chest, kylo could only glower at rey, clearly not pleased by any of this or how the conversation had unfolded between the two of them. “did they??” he questioned. “if what i saw had come true, we wouldn’t be here right now. you would have taken my hand, joined me by my side. but you didn’t. even if you wanted to. you tell me i keep burying myself but i know there was a part of you that was tempted to take my hand. not ben’s.”
