Trauma, medical and otherwise

where I vent about stuff in my life

[first-trauma-response]

I'm tired of my presence causing discomfort, pain, struggle.

I'm tired of being divided between fixing the issues I've caused and fixing myself so I don't cause issue.

I'm tired of being a drain on others and myself.

I'm tired of existing poorly.

[first-trauma-response]

I just want so desperately to have meaning again.

I don't know how or when I lost it, but Im tired of drifting .

[first-trauma-response]

Constantly afraid that I'm not enough.

Constantly knowing I need to change.

Constantly trying to make any sort of difference.

Constantly searching for redemption.

Constantly .....

Constantly.....

[first-trauma-response]

I know I'm not good, I know nobody expects better of me or for me.

I wish that is something I could retain

I wish I wasn't so on edge, defensive.

I wish I didn't hurt

[first-trauma-response]

Maybe it is just my pure unfiltered stupidity that's the problem. Maybe I'm just that dumb.

Yay.......

[aesungaia]

Everyone's Friend

[first-trauma-response]

It would be amazing if I could go out and have a good time, like out with friends or whatever, and then actually make it home without fucking it all up again, like just once maybe would be great

god damnit.....

[bpdbuttercup]

yes I am fully aware that I’m The Worst™ but I still wanna be like……. loved and stuff

[borderlinereminders]

The other day, I asked my partner, “What are you doing?”

Simple question, right?

Except… he suddenly got defensive. His tone changed. I could feel tension building, and I had no idea why. So I took a breath and asked, “Wait, what did you hear me say?”

He paused, thought about it, and said, “I thought you meant ‘Why aren’t you doing anything?’ Like you were mad I was being lazy.”

But that wasn’t what I meant at all. I’d genuinely just been curious.

And that moment reminded me how easily things can go sideways when we assume intent. Our brains, especially when we’ve had messy pasts, trauma, or relationship anxiety, tend to fill in the blanks with the worst possible meaning.

But that one question, “What did you hear me say?”, turned what could’ve been an argument into understanding.

It gave both of us a chance to clarify before our brains made up a story that wasn’t true. I was able to explain, and he was able to listen. Understanding what I meant changed his tension entirely.

Sometimes the fight isn’t about what was said. It’s about what was heard.

“What did you hear me say?” can defuse a storm before it starts.

[first-trauma-response]

Tired

Tired of being a prob

Tired of causing damage

Tired of many things

But mostly tired of being

[first-trauma-response]

I wish I was good for the people I cared about.

I wish I was good for me to, but I don't feel as important anymore.

[caspercryptid]

I would actually go as far as to say that MOST abuse is unintentional. I think most people will go through their lives without ever experiencing intentional abuse. People are abusive because they're selfish, because they're stressed, because they care more about what society thinks they should do than the impacts of their actions on their children and partners, because they think what they're doing is correct, because they've made it make sense in their own heads, because they think they can fix their victims, they think they can fix their relationships, they think they can stop you from leaving, they think they can make you a better partner to them, they think that means you need to do what they want. We've sort of constructed mental illness in a way that doing this shit to other people counts as a form of mental illness because it is anti social behavior in the literal sense— it is behavior that causes social harm.

I don't say any of this to excuse it. I think everyone needs to be more aware of this because if you think abuse has to be intentional you will never realize you are capable of abusive behavior. You will never realize you are being shitty to the people you love, because YOU know what you mean, YOU know you don't mean any harm. But you're doing harm. You need to pay attention to the impact you have on other people, and you need to do it all the time, Especially when you feel least capable of doing so. Sorry! You live in a society. Get your head out of your ass.

[first-trauma-response]

I feel this too well these days, I'm finally able to see what I've been doing, and I'm horrified :(

[first-trauma-response]

I think I'm going to be sick........

[first-trauma-response]

I think I'm going to be sick........

[first-trauma-response]

I don't like myself, I thought I did but I don't.

I don't think I even know how to like myself, I wasn't taught, I was raised as a tool, a means to an end, and when I'm no longer useful I'm forgotten.

I don't like myself, so how can I expect anyone else to.

[first-trauma-response]

The one thing they never explain well enough in the mental health world is why so so many anti-depressants come with the side effect of "may increase symptoms of depression and thoughts of suicide", even going through nursing school they barely touch on why that is, why theeds that are supposed to help might make you worse.

It's not uncommon in medicine for medications to have odd side effects, but for this one in particular it's a 2 part effect.

The thing is, if you wind up with a antidepressant that works for you then one of the first things it will do is boost your energy, it will also clear up brain fog .

In doing so alot of the time the person experiencing the depression will realize just how much their life has crumbled, just how much harm they have done, how far they have gone. At that point a choice is made to continue or not.

[darknightshining]

Depression blog…