God, I can't tell you how much the "there's not enough enrichment in my enclosure" joke has helped my mental health. Because, for some reason I can't comprehend, pretending that I'm a zoo keeper caring for an animal (which is also me) just makes everything easier to comprehend. Like "Your head gets screwey when you're apartment is messy" just doesn't carry as much resonance as "The tiger becomes agitated when its enclosure is cluttered" because then I'll be like, no shit? The tiger? I've gotta keep things nice and clean for the tiger.
So I’ve been seeing all these “humans are space orcs” things all over and I really like it, so I decided to write my own for fun! (Don’t know if it’s already been made someone tell me if it haves)
So we all know that every generation haves different humors, so imagine, aliens trying to talk to elderly people after they met gen z and they picked up all of our humor, so they meet old people and the aliens have no idea why elderly look at them so confused and then gen z explaining all about generations and humor
I'm REALLY tired of the dark "aliens are evil" stories.
"Aliens think we are food" this. "Aliens think we're a plague" that. And the "aliens are so much smarter and think us as puny ants" this and that.
I especially hate the "aliens are ugly monsters" part. Like, propaganda much?
At least some of us -I mean them! Some of THEM aren't evil. In fact! Very (and I mean VERY) few of them are truly bad creatures.
Where's our "aliens are good" this? And our "aliens are actually really impressed by human understanding of space despite early stages of galactic travel" that? And maybe a little "haha, once you get used to it, aliens are kinda cute" this and that?
Calling it now, if and when humans become intergalactic travelers, there will be secret fae disguised as humans on nearly every ship and aliens will never be able to tell which is which.
Sometimes I’ll be looking at humans are space orcs posts and find it funny how humans regularly do things that are reason for concern but don’t see a problem with would absolutely baffle aliens like cats, for example
Like the human crew member brought their cat on board and despite the cat being friendly one minute and biting their hand the next the human nevertheless continues to pet them
Human crew mate: *is getting her hand bitten like a chew toy*
Alien: ..why are you allowing this fuzzy predator to eat you??
Human, whose hand is bleeding a little: oh they don’t really mean any harm, they’re just playing
Alien, visibly distressed: *whispers into communicator* I think there’s something wrong with the human, send the medical team
imagine a "humans are space orcs" story where humans and aliens can't understand the other's language, and it's told from an alien's POV. however, the twist is the alien doesn't call humans "humans" nor do they ever specify their own species. the reader has no idea the MC is an alien, or that the human's a human until close to the end when they're able to communicate some and the human's like "i can't believe i'm one of the first humans to meet an alien"
"No, no, you're not hearing me." The obludqulop took another swing from his drink. "I am not saying there's a deathworlder in this quadrant, or this world. I am saying there is one here. As in here, in this building. This very station. There is a deathworlder here!"
The buzz around them quieted down, but the red man didn't even seem to notice, his skin bristling in terror. His friend, a purple rarhecrea, hesitated. "Are you sure?" His only answer was an affirmative gurgling sound from the obludqulop. The rarhecrea summed in thought. "Then we have to find them…"
A gasp could be heard in the now silent bar, a few whistles and some low growling. But neither one of them seemed to notice. "I don't think we should, actually. I mean, seriously, Crelro, what do we stand to gain from this?"
"Answers!" The rarhecrea - Crelro apparently - shivered happily. "There is so much I want to ask them. About the war on Jejlach, about the Xezasith exploration, about terra… Oh! And about their newly found place in the alliance, too."
The obludqulop whistled out a resigned breath. "Those are just rumours, Crelro. And this deathworlder surely wasn't part of any of these events. You will just make them angry and loose a limb. Or worse."
"A small price to pay for knowledge, Ylbda. Besides, I already know that. I wouldn't ask about those thing directly, I have no need for stories. But there's so much I cannot explain yet and I have to know more about them so as to make sense of what has transpired on those planets."
Ylbda the obludqulop took another swing of his drink. "Very well. Say we find the deathworlder, and we somehow manage to get a conversation started and they agree to answer those questions of yours. What would you want to know anyways?"
Crelro shivered again, starring into her cup. "You know what they say about the war on Jejlach, right? The jejlac asked for help but none came, and they vanished in vain. Their home planet had been taken by the fearsome xylix as soon as they had been whipped out. Jejlach turned out to be a planet that was dangerous to live on, with its floods and storms. Without the jejlac the plants on Jejlach soon turned poisonous, the earth turned sour and the animals died. The jejlac went down in history as a species of caretakers that had managed to understand nature so well that they could tame it. The xylix, though, are a warrior species and so they abandoned the planet. It was useless to them."
Ylbda huffed. "True that. The xylix don't care much for what happens around them. They just destroy in reckless abandon. That's why they are so very fearsome. Aren't they one of the few apex predators that evolved into a sentient life form by standards of the federation? Creepy, those guys…"
"Right! But even though the planet was vacant and long since destroyed, the deathworlders decided to demand it returned when they found survivors. Of course, the xylix were way too proud to do that, even after they had all but given up on the planet. Yet the deathworlders did not relent. They went so far as to wage a war for a planet that did not belong to them and just three individuals whom they never had an alliance with. Three ships, that's all that group of deathworlders had. But the government of their kind supported their decision, even though they called it a personal matter and denied political backing. Yet somehow they managed to win. Do you know what they say how they did it?"
Ylbda clicked a negative, but he did sound a bit intrigued by now. Who wouldn't? It was good gossip after all.
Crelro flicked her tail in what translated to a smirk with her kind. "The jejlac. They managed to use the poison out of the plants and the acid from within the ground as a weapon. They stacked out on that dangerous planet and they used the planet itself as a weapon to chase off any and all xylix that dared to try take it back. Not only that, but they did so through teaching the inherently peaceful jejlac how to do it. A species that never had to fight before, and the deathworlders managed to teach them how to defend themselves against a sentient apex predator! Isn't it just astounding?"
"Sure, I guess. But don't forget what happened after that. They didn't just stop at Jejlach, did they? Creskum, Trae, Heviet, Klarmanm. The deathworlders didn't stop until the xylix surrendered all of those planets, and vowed to never touch any of the jejlac again. The war waged on for decades, and there were so many needless deaths… It was a slaughter, really." Again, Ylbda shuddered in terror.
Crelro didn't even seem to notice, though, as she shivered so excitedly she might as well be vibrating. "Right, right. But how is that possible? Xylix are highly toxic. Their skin, their blood, their claws… Everything from paralysers to mycotoxins to neurotoxins, and yet even in hand to hand combat the deathworlders prevailed. How is that possible? I mean, judging from circumstantial evidence and word-of-mouth - as negligible as that may be from a scientific standpoint - it almost seems as though the toxins didn't even have any effect on them at all!"
"So you… Crelro. Please tell me that you intend not asking a deathworlder to give you insight into their biology to a degree that would possibly reveal a fatal weak point to a complete stranger." Crelro did not answer this time, but Ylbda seemed to be able to tell that this much was an affirmation regardless. At least he clicked in worried anger, almost emptying his glass. "Don't. Just… Don't do that. What about the other stuff you mentioned? Don't you have any more reasonable questions to ask that monster?"
Crelro obviously didn't appreciate the comment, yet summed thoughtfully again. "The Xezasith exploration is interesting as well. Did you hear about it?"
Ylbda snapped his left antenna in a negative, skin turning a bit more orange with dread. Crelro, though, ignored the reaction once again. Instead, she excitedly started to recount yet another tale she must have caught wind of somewhere in the galaxy: "Xezasith is a planet in the outer quadrants. While Jejlach turned out to be dangerous once abandoned, Xezasith is scary because it's never been inhibited. It's a wild and untameable jungle, and they even call it the maze-planet in the zurulian language. The first exploration team vanished without a trace, the second one only managed to send a request for help before doing the same. Only when they send the third exploration team did they find out what had been the issue. All those experienced explorers had just vanished, and there was no sign of violence or sudden danger in the com logs. The problem was that all their equipment failed them."
"What do you mean it failed them? How can equipment based on the physical laws every planet shares just… fail?"
"No one knows. Some say the magnetic field is undetectable because of the make up of the outer layers. Some say the plants interfere with the sensors. Some think it might be galactic nebulas nearby. Either way, it's impossible to get a read on anything once you're down there. Not even heat sensors or life force cartographic devices can help you. Truly a maze.
"The fourth team going down was prepared a bit better. They tried laying a path to find the way back to the landing station. But there was no suitable material for it - most got either swallowed by the earth, blown away by the winds or was impossible to distinguish from the surroundings in the colourful jungle. They even tried making marks on the trees with pray paint. Turns out there were halogenic toxins in the air that rendered that method useless. The fourth group managed to get a lot of data send back to the main ship, at least. But only because they were communicating the entire time.
"No one wanted to go when they put together the fifth team. A sound decision. But then three humans applied. They didn't want to take them at first, but the deployment had already been pushed back for several cycles on multiple occasions then. So they took the chance. And one of the humans didn't even go planet-side! The two humans who went down were in constant contact with her, but they didn't even talk about the things the exploration team discovered. Instead they kept talking about shapes in the trees! Similarities between a tree's lower branches and abstract shapes really didn't seem relevant in such a dangerous situation."
"So, let me guess, they ended up getting lost and did something absolutely crazy?"
Crelro actually did vibrate in excitement this time. "No! One would think so, but they did not. Instead, they always seemed to be sure they would find their way back. They charged forward, even after a storm had blown away all their marks as the team had to hide in a cave. Even as the zurulian team members long since didn't even know how distinguish East and West. Even as the zurulian lost count of the solar cycles and had no idea where they had come from. Even as they walked on the edge of a cliff. Even as they ran out of supplies and had to survive on filtered rain and a few plants they had discerned as non-toxic. And then, after such a long time the zurulian explorers were on the edge of insanity, they finally, finally began their track back. What do you think happened?"
"I'm not sure. They got lost? They destroyed everything in their path to return to the landing area? They used a freakish ability no species should be able to possess or control and got back with that? Something like that. Just as in all the other stories." Ylbda emptied his glass, seemingly over the story and wanting to change topics.
Crelro, though, made a disagreeing gesture. "Not at all. You see, my friend, they found back. Without much of a problem. The deathworlder on board had drawn up a map with the route they had taken, based on what the exploration team had told her."
"That… Doesn't exactly sound like a rumour you should believe. Deathworlders are crazy. But, still, they don't… There's just no way anyone can conjure up a map that precise with only hearing about it. Especially not when everyone planet-side failed to do so before. Not even a deathworlder could do it."
"Right. But! She also added the comments she had heard on something she called 'sticky notes' all around that gigantic map she'd sketched out. And she told them about it. »Turn left and walk ahead until you find the tree with roots like a messed-up pentagram.« and »You're on the right path. Same direction until you cross the elder-wand looking tree trunk.« or even just »There should be a cave that looks like the mouth of an eel to your right soon.« - and somehow, miraculously they managed to fond all those abstract forms again, rediscover all the spots they'd talked about in passing, figured out all the analogies again. They never got lost! Not once!
"And as if that wasn't unbelievable enough, they completed the rough draft of that map together. The three humans made a map that was accurate enough to allow for close distant exploration operations with an all-zurulian team. But they also made a book full of little maps additionally to that big one, with the addition of all the comments they had made about the shapes and such. They called it an Atlas, and it alone was enough for every deathworlder team thereafter to explore far away from the landing port that was stablished after the mission. The others could use those same marks, the same comparisons, the same abstract descriptions. And the new teams add new points of interest to the book even now. Yet the deathworlders did not lay claim to the book, every copy they made still lays with the zurulian government and is only given to the exploration teams temporarily.
"You want to know more about that too, don't you? How can you hear this story and not want to ask questions about how those abstract descriptions and comparisons work without end? It's highly intriguing! Especially since every deathworlder seems to have that ability."
"It makes me less hoping to ask questions and more inclined to run, really. That's beyond terrifying. Also, please don't ask questions about it. They're almost certain to take that as a challenge or an insult. And you do not want to deal with a deathworlder that feels challenged and/or insulted." Ylbda whistled another sigh.
“You know, Ylbda, you are very weird sometimes.”
Ylbda seemed to take great offence at that, huffing and bubbling his cheeks in annoyance. “Yes, yes, you want to ask a deathworlder about things that will definitely result in making them angry and risk your life for knowledge you will be absolutely unable to ever use - and you want to do it without prior propriety training to keep the backlash at a minimum, no less - and I am the weird one. Of course. What else could it be? Oh, how could I forget that this was the usual response to being around the most lethal creature in outer space for the first time?”
Crelro made an amused sound at her friend’s obvious resignation about her species’ genetic tendency of being curious. “Well, as long as you know~” Then she sipped at her drink, looking at the bar in deep thought. “It’s just… This might be the only chance to understand that I’ll ever get. It’s not like I’ll have much hope of finding them even if I try, though, and you are right about my lack of training in regards of manners towards their species…”
“Well, first of all,” a stranger said as their stood up from their table and walked over, their steps unusually loud in the now dead silent bar, and sat down next to the duo “you do not want to refer to them as »deathworlders«. That’s considered extremely rude. You’re bound to get a rise out of most of them if you do that. Call them »humans« whenever one is around instead, that’s the proper term. Actually, just do that in general? It’s still rude when there isn’t one around.”
The stranger in the emerald hood too a sip from a strange, golden liquid. It almost looked like that one alcoholic beverage deathworlders usually liked to drink. But there was no way, alcohol was poisonous to every other species. It might just be honey, most sentient species got drunk on sugar after all. They then put down the glass, one of their two long limbs extending towards Crelro, who sat closer to them. She noticed that it was covered in what looked like leathery skin but was definitely a synthetic material. How curious…
“My name is Joel, by the way. Oh, you take my limb in yours and shake it, yes, liken that. It’s a formal greeting where I come from.” They, Joel, barked out a sharp sound. Judging by the situation… a laugh, perhaps? Crelro looked intrigued, while Ylbda was doing nothing to hide his distrust towards the newcomer. “Your names where Crelro and Ylbda, if I heard them correctly?” Ylbda kept quiet, while Crelro gave an afirmative motion of her head. “I see. It’s nice to meet you. And I am terribly sorry for eavesdropping, but I couldn’t help but to overhear what you were talking about… You’re curious to learn more about humans, Crelro?”
“Oh, absolutely. Yes! They are so very fascinating, if I only had a chance to talk to one of them…” She sighed dreamily.
The stranger barked their strange perhaps-laugh again. “I see. Humans can be quite dangerous, most would find that intimidating. Why charge towards someone most would do their everything to stay away from? It seems a bit weird for someone to have that mindset…”
“Hey! I do not appreciate your comment towards my friend. It might be so, but… It’s still not something a stranger should say.” The stranger looked at the riled up Ylbda, burgeoning out another sound.
“Ah, yes. Obludqulops and their hypocritical drive to protect their own. I forgot… Very well, I apologise. I meant no offence, it’s just something most would think. It made me curious, and that’s all. Honestly.” They then turned towards Crelro as if to indicate they still wanted an answer to their query.
Crelro didn’t seem to mind. “It’s because I wish to understand. If we did not put ourselves in danger for knowledge, not even half of the data we have at our fingertips now would have ever been recorded. Besides, not even a deathworlde- ah, a human, right? Uhm, not even a human would be cross about other species wanting to understand them, don’t you think? I don’t expect they would be too happy about all the things others know about them being nothing more than rumours. Surely they would understand that spreading knowledge would be in the interest of all of us, right?”
“But you can’t know that! There are so many species out there who actually like that better than disclosing sensitive information! Besides, without sensitivity or proprietary training, you have no idea where the lines are and what you should not ask them! You’re certain to cross lines and anger them like that! Besides, you’re forgetting that it everyone thinks knowledge is the greatest hing in the universe. Not everyone is ready to share an d an sweet questions out of nowhere. What if that is something extremely intimate to them and they think you’re mocking them for suddenly asking without even getting to know them first? It wouldn’t be the first time that happened to you, and if it’s one of them getting angry about it…”
“I understand that you want to protect your friend. It’s good to have someone careful like that by your side. Especially if you strive for knowledge like that. Don’t let him go, Crelro, you ought to keep this one.” They took another sip of their strange golden liquid and paused a bit. “Please excuse my sudden question, but what to you do for a living?”
Crelro seemed surprised at that at least, and Ylbda seemed more cautious than ever. Before he could stop her, though, Crelro already answered the stranger: “This and that. We mostly travel around and do old jobs whenever it fits. Ylbda is a very skilled fighter and pilot, and I am an author writing about intergalactic civilisation. I’d like to include… humans in my book, but well…”
“Oh, you’re an author? Have you published anything yet?”
“That’s none of your-,“ Ylbda hissed out the same time Crelro answered: “No, not yet. I’m still figuring it out.”
The stranger gave a long hum as Ylbda scolded Crelro with a few incredulous expressions on his face. She barely had the decency to look sorry for it, though. The stranger then raised both of their covered forelimbs and griped their hood. “Don’t be too surprised, please,” they requested before lowering the hood off of their head. Their distinctly human head. Somewhere a few tables over someone fainted at the sight. “Well, that’s rude…” the definitely human Joel mumbled with their mouth turned down harshly. They then turned towards Ylbda and Crelro, who looked absolutely terrified and ecstatic at the new discovery respectively.
“I know it’s sudden, Crelro, but I have a job offer for you. If you’re not interested, you are welcome to not respond, but if you are I’d be happy if you would send me an application sometime soon.”
“Absolutely not!” Ylbda whispered at Crelro at the same time she asked: “Whatn kind of job offer?”
The human bared their teeth, making Ylbda want nothing more than to grab their friend and flee to the other end of the galaxy. “You see, you were right: We do not want to be viewed only through rumours. Especially since we’ve just joined the alliance. You have heard about that, if I understand correctly? We want to make sure we can live with each other peacefully and, well, the rumours do not help with that. We’d like to shed s bit more light onto what actually happened, what we actually did, how we actually… work, I guess?”
“I knew it! Oh, so you would be open to answer some questions, right? Fantastic, I- Oh, but what does hat have to do with offering a job, please?” Crelro turned from excited to confused very quickly. It made the human let out the same sound they had made earlier, one limb coming up to cover their mouth.
“Cute… Ahem, uh, right. The job. So, you see, the human ministry of intergalactic affairs has sponsored a newspaper station. Well, more of a scientific-ish magazine? Anyways, we intend to publish a regular magazine with articles about humans. It’s to answer questions and to show what we are like. People fear the unknown, so we hope to make diplomacy a bit easier this way. And we already have our expert sources. A retired military officer, a congress man - that’s a politician -, a psychologist, a doctor, a sociology professor and an intergalactic merchant. They will all continue their jobs so far, but are ready to answer questions in their field of expertise any time. The only problem is that my sister dumbed the project on me with only human employees and… So, basically me and my husband are on the way to post a job advert in this quadrant. We want our journalists to be… not humans? We, well, I hope that the magazine will be more trustworthy that way. And that the readers will be more inclined to actually send their questions in.”
“You… want me to write the articles for that magazine and ask questions to a selected group of experts about all kind of topics regarding humans?” Crelro seemed ecstatic at the thought.
Ylbda, on the other hand, shook his head. “No, wait. That sounds really dangerous, though? Are you going to guarantee her safety? And what about delicate subjects? And what if she writes something you don’t like? And what if people get angry at her because of how you edited her work?”
“She would be included in the freedom of the press, of course. So we wouldn’t censor her and since we’re sponsored by the ministry of intergalactic affairs she would technically be employed by the government and have diplomatic immunity as well. Until we manage to get the magazine project stable enough to become independent, that is. Media and government should be independent from each other, after all. So, yes, we would guarantee safety. And anonymity as well, if you do not wish for your name to be put under the article. Though we would like to include it, if possible. For credibility reasons.” The human took another sip from their glass, baring their teeth at the two of them again. “Any other questions?”
There was a long pause. Then, just when the silence could have been mistaken as a no, Crelro leaned forward intrigued and asked: “What is it you’re drinking, please?”
The human bared their teeth a lot more this time, making a show of emptying their glass. “This? It’s an alcoholic beverage I like. We call it Rum.”
Another example of humans being Space Orcs/Space Fae, dependant on context: There are so many of us that find the extremophile-style of animal life absolutely adorable, whether they conform to the 'standard' of adorable-animal or not.
Like nobody's gonna deny that penguins are a cute extremophile animal. Penguins are pretty much universally hailed as being adorable. Same with tardigrades, aka water bears. Almost everyone who has heard of them think they're CUTE, and they are also an extremophile animal! VASTLY extremophile, in fact! (I agree, btw. Penguins and tardigrades are both adorable.)
However..it's not exactly the same for, say, deep sea creatures -- just for an example. Anglerfish (for a more well-known example) are not generally people's definition of adorable. Same for barreleye fish. Or like...sea monkeys, or yeti crabs. But there are a lot of us who do think they're adorable, and we're consistent in this.
They're cute! They do not conform to the generally-acceptable idea of cute, but they're cute! And many many Human Beans agree! Because we're also extremophiles whether we realize it or not! And in the generalizations of space, this makes us Orcs/Fae!
We're weird to other space-faring races. I know we are.
Human shows alien cheesy movie with a villain who rings their hands as they plot their evil play.
A few days later the same alien sees the human doing the same thing with their hands. The put the ship on lock down, shouting about how the human plans to kill them all.
Human who was putting on hand lotion: Oh great, what did I do this time?
I ignored the outburst from Sierra and kept working. The vial I was about to pour was snatched from my fingers.
“Hey!”
“No,” Sierra interrupted quickly. “No hey. You could have killed my babies.”
Sierra was ridiculous with her plant collection. “I was watering them with your special fertilizer mix,” I pointed out. “The one you had Alex mix up for you.”
Sierra shook her head. “Did you not look at your alerts?”
“I’m off duty.”
“Yeah, we’ll start looking at them off duty. Captain’s orders, all unlabeled clear substances are to be left untouched until they can be tested,” Sierra informed me.
I glanced at the notifications, and read what I’d missed.
“Oh, crap,” I muttered.
“Yeah, I know. Don’t get me wrong, I love Alex, but they cause more ship wide alerts than any other crew member. If they weren’t so good at their job, I’m sure the Captain would have transferred them planetside ages ago,” Sierra joked.
“No, it’s. Look, call Alex and have them meet me at medical. I think I drank that missing fuel additive a couple minutes ago,” I told her.
Sierra paused for a fraction of a second before rushing to the ship wide comm to alert Alex. I ran, getting to medical as quickly as possible.
“Alex, please report to medical. Bring the reports on your fuel additive. Kurt may have drank it.”
I retracted into my exoskeleton immediately, hiding into a relatively small and innocuous rock on the floor.
“It’s green isn’t it?”
Humans voices carried so much stress it triggered my hide reflex. I knew the two humans fighting over paint choices meant me no harm, but I could not fight thousands of years of instinct kicking in either.
“It’s teal! Teal is not green!”
“It’s half blue half green.”
“Exactly!”
“Dude, you know I’m blue green colorblind. What did you expect?”
The silence that stretched out finally allowed me to relax and stretch back out.
“Im sorry, I forgot.”
“You doing alright? You’re really stressed out about a this banner thing.”
“Look, the Admiral is coming for inspection and I really can’t listen to my Mom tell me again how artist isn’t a real job.”
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