[fixx-me-pleasee]

August 5th, 2025 ; 9:23pm

Its been years since I’ve done this. Since I’ve put my words into thoughts and written them down. My life took the biggest turn. Recently I’ve hated my life. I’ve hated me. I’ve hated every single thing. I admitted all my faults to him. I admitted the people I met when he wasn’t here. The things I did before he came back. And he ran with it for a while. I felt so guilty for everything I did. To know he did it times two. But he still can’t let it go. I was supposed to wait for him and only be his but he made me leave. He chose someone over me. He supported her financially. In the same place we used to live. Where we brought our child home. And only every time he told me he didn’t love me anymore. That he didn’t care about me anymore did I do something. He destroyed so many parts of me. And then blamed me for how I handled my life. I love him but I also hate him. Cause it’ll never be more than this. It’ll never fix itself because he’ll never change. I learned how to grow the fuck up. I learned how to get over it. Because that’s all you can do. Move on and keep going. But the ironic thing is, I loved him more than he loved him. I saw past all his flaws. I saw past the anger that used to make me lose weight. I saw past the answer that used to leave holes in walls and broken things. I saw past the anger he’d give me verbally. I saw past the silent treatment. But all he saw was how I reacted to it. He only saw my depression come out because he put me there. He only saw the way I tried to end my life because it was “traumatic” for him as he was telling me life ends anyways and pills and therapy wasn’t going to change that we all die. He only saw the way I talked to another guy yet forgetting he was with another girl. He proposed to me to feel more secure to me. He had a baby with me to “shut me up”. I didn’t hold a gun to his head for anything. And all the times I wanted to leave he’d stop me. He told me to stay. He didn’t want me to go. But then after a baby and a whole miscarriage it was easy? Did he stop and think damn maybe she was broken? Did he stop and think fuck why’d I let her go? No he didn’t. He fucking destroyed every loving bone in my body. I was so fucking nice back then. I had so much love for people and life. He fucking ruined that for me. I stopped being a lover girl. I stopped feeling. I just started surviving. And I’m still just surviving. He doesn’t care that I cry all the time without him. He doesn’t care that I don’t eat. He doesn’t care that I’m struggling with money for him. He only cares about himself. He acts the fucking victim. He thinks that I’m a devil in disguise but hasn’t looked in the mirror.

Truthfully though, I’m miserable. I have to wonder what he’s going to bring up today. I have to wonder if he’s gonna be nice or rude. I have to wonder what side I’m going to get. Or I’m just going to get completely dumped and kicked out of his life in some way. All cause I wanted to celebrate his birthday with him. Ironic. Maybe if you actually see your son more than 1 time every two weeks you’d feel like a parent! Maybe if you would actually let shit go and not act like a little victim you’d be further in life. Life has fucking destroyed me and killed every part in me but I keep going. No matter the mood. No matter the heartbreak. No matter anything. I kept it going cause life didn’t stop for me! Life kept going. Life didn’t care if I was heartbroken. Life didn’t care if I didn’t think I could get up in the morning. Life really couldn’t give a shit. Life kept going.

I feel like I can’t afford any more out of life. The economy has destroyed me. It’s destroying everyone but my pay stays the same. I’m negative every month. I need a second job but I’m “not allowed” cause guys will want to do things with me there too. But you’re not my man? But you want me to move in to save money? Like I cannot catch a single break.

It’s either you want me or you don’t. You love me or you don’t. I’m tired of halfway. I’m tired of forced efforts. I’m fucking tired. My brain is tired. My mind is tired. You broke me 3 years ago. You broke me a year ago. And you broke me now. I’m tired. Tired of being broken by you. I hope one day you choose to actually grow up and be a man. Not a man child. And be mature and get over yourself. Cause I’m tired of all this. We’re both about to be too old for some bullshit like this. Either move on from the crap and let’s love each other right or just let me go and be a coparent with me. I can’t keep doing both. Or I’ll probably just completely die.

[lunaticdecaf-deactivated2025101]

[fixx-me-pleasee]

April 22nd 2023, 9:05pm

I think I need to let you go. I think I need you to fight for me. Because I don’t think I can do this anymore. I can’t constantly check if you’re active on Instagram. I can’t constantly message you through there. I can’t constantly stop myself from calling you normally. I can’t pretend this doesn’t hurt me more than it does. I can’t pretend that it’s not destroying me more and more. I can’t pretend the apartment isn’t a mess because of my head. Because of my depression suffocating me. I can’t continue to want you when you don’t even think of me. I can’t continue to drive and hope I see your car. I can’t hope that you’ll knock on the door anymore. I can’t cry anymore when he asks for dada. I just can’t. You’re killing me. You don’t even realize it but you’re killing me. I don’t know who I am anymore. You’ve destroyed me. You made me hate myself. You made me feel worthless. You made me think no one will ever love me and chose me. You made me feel like I could die and you wouldn’t care. You made me feel okay with dying. You broke me. And then you healed me. And you broke me again and again. You made me start drinking. You made me start looking for things to harm myself. You killed me. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself anymore. I thought you loved me more than this. I thought you love me. I thought fucking wrong. You don’t love me. You love having me there. You love having a backup option. You love having a cumrag. You love having someone who never gives up. You love having someone who would rather kill themselves time and time again if it meant having you. You love having someone who waits for you. Someone who looks for you. You love having someone who wants you even when you don’t want them. Because if you did, you’d be here. I don’t believe shit that comes out of your mouth. But I can’t pretend it doesn’t make my heart skip beats and make me smile. But I think I have to let go. Or I’m going to die.

[tullipsink]

Unsent texts pt 2

[onetwousername]

[fixx-me-pleasee]

August 19th, 2022 1:44am

I fell in love with you in so many different ways. I loved you for you. I fell in love with you as my best friend, my go to. The person who took me with wide open arms and didn’t ask any questions. The person who didn’t judge me and held me if I cried. The person who sacrificed himself in an uncomfortable chair every time I got sick. I fell in love with you as a lover. I fell for the laughs. For the smiles. For the kisses. I fell for the way it felt for us to be in love. To love and to be loved from two people was a feeling I never thought would end. How naive was i? Then I fell in love with you as a fiancé. I fell in love with the idea of your last name being mine. I fell in love with the idea of being called your wife every single day. I fell in love with the idea of us dancing at a wedding. I fell in love with the idea of us saying I do. I fell in love with the fact that we never knew how to communicate in the moment but that we kept going. We apologized and kept trying. I fell in love with the fact we loved so much we kept trying. I fell in love with the fact we never gave up. Then I fell in love with you as a father. From the moment he came into this world, he became your world. The tears we cried when he came out. The feeling of holding him for the first time. Bringing him home. I fell in love with the way you tried to learn. I fell in love with the way we always helped each other with diapers. I fell in love with the fact of how we never wanted to set him down. I fell in love with the way he fell in love with you. From the first smile he gave you. The first time he called you a nickname. The first time he reached out of you. The first time he called out for you. I fell in love. But you didn’t. You fell out of love. And it wasn’t a future anymore. It was wanting to be alone. Wanting to be single. Wanting to give it all up. But one thing will never change. I will always love you. I will always be in love with you because you could break my heart a million times and I’d still want you. I’d still be in love with you. I only wish you’d still be in love with me.

[fixx-me-pleasee]

But how do I do this? How do I forget what shirts he liked on me? How do I forget his touch? How do I forget his smell? How do I forget the way he would wash my hair or caress my body when he washed me? How do I stay in the same room without aching? How do I do this? I didn’t have a baby with him for us to end. I had a baby with him cause I wanted a family. We were supposed to have two. We were supposed to buy a house. We were supposed to continue growing. So why? Why do I love so hard? Why am I so easy to give up on? Why am I always the broken one? Why do I hurt so much more than other people? He told me how much he loved him but why isn’t it enough? Why did I stop being enough… why do I not recognize myself anymore. I’m so fucking lost. I made him my home. He was my home. And now I’m shut out. I’m lost. And I don’t care. It’s not fair.

[fixx-me-pleasee]

Unknown. The feeling that’s consuming me. What am I supposed to do anymore? Am I supposed to pretend this doesn’t happen? Am I supposed to pretend that you’re happy with me? Am I supposed to pretend that this ring means as much to you as it does to me? Am I supposed to pretend the kids I want are the kids you want?

What do you do when the person you love most tells you “I’m never going to be happy” when you thought you gave them as much as you could. And it hurts because whenever I see my life without him I don’t see a life.

This is what I see for myself.

I see myself never sleeping, staring at the ceiling, staring at the water. Staring at the road. I love driving when I’m sad. I love driving as far as I can till I can breathe again. I see myself wearing his clothes. I see myself with his shirt on my body, the ones that are too big for me and look like a dress as he says. I see myself with my hair dirty and oily. I see myself crying every time I brush my teeth or brush my hair. I think about how bad I’d smell. I think of the showers I wouldn’t take. I think of the holes in the room surrounding me from myself and probably a broken hand again. I see myself quitting my job. I see myself leaving if he told me to stay so we could figure out where I’d live. I see myself just taking whatever I could and hiding from him. I see myself hiding from everyone. He’s never abused me I don’t want anyone to think that. But hiding because I couldn’t take the pain. I see myself driving as fast as I could. I see myself taking some type of pills. I see myself fading as I’m driving from those pills. I see myself fading. I can feel the pain in myself that I felt a year ago. The pain I felt when I tried to do it the first time. The time he made me stop. I don’t see myself anymore. If I’m not sleeping I wouldn’t eat. If I’m not eating I wouldn’t have anything but medication in my stomach. I’d be broken. I’d be broken because the only person to put me to together is the person who can tear me apart. All it takes is one thing to bring me back. All it takes it one thing to push me away. Once I lose him I don’t see myself.

Once you put your all into someone for 3 and a half years and get ripped away from it what are you supposed to do.

How do you get up and pretend you didn’t wear the ring? How do you get up and pretend you didn’t love their family? How do you pretend that you’re not completely shattered? How do you do it? How do you continue to cry even though there’s no tears? How do you breathe? How do you think? How do you continue.

I don’t think I would continue. I’d pick bad habits. I’d probably cut myself till I was raw. I’d probably take every pill I could buy at the store. I’d let all my money run out. I’d driving my car as fast as I could till it went out of control. I’d be forever broken. And if he brought me back because he felt bad and not because he wanted me, I’d break all over again.

Now my question is, who’s going to notice when I’m gone? Because if he’s the only person in my life, he would know but he wouldn’t know. He’d feel me leave. But maybe he does love me the way I love him. But why is it that he’d survive without me. He’d live without me however I couldn’t live without him. Maybe I’m too attached. But maybe just maybe I need to be attached. Because I don’t think this world needs me but I sure hope he needs me.

If he ever sees this, I love you beyond the words and actions I can provide. But please don’t leave me. Don’t break me. I couldn’t do this without you.

[fixx-me-pleasee]

It’s been 343 days since I posted this.

We’re still together. Maybe more in love maybe less in love. Maybe we just know we love each other and don’t need more to feel it. We moved three hours from family and our previous life. We’ve almost made 5 years together. We’re still engaged. We had a beautiful baby boy. He’s our world.

All of these years I wanted to die and having a family now has changed everything. I could never leave. They give me purpose. They make me feel things I’ve never felt. Seeing both of them together looking at each other in such love, I couldn’t ever leave that.

If anyones reading this, it gets better. You find your purpose. It’s okay. Just keep breathing.

[fixx-me-pleasee]

Unknown. The feeling that’s consuming me. What am I supposed to do anymore? Am I supposed to pretend this doesn’t happen? Am I supposed to pretend that you’re happy with me? Am I supposed to pretend that this ring means as much to you as it does to me? Am I supposed to pretend the kids I want are the kids you want?

What do you do when the person you love most tells you “I’m never going to be happy” when you thought you gave them as much as you could. And it hurts because whenever I see my life without him I don’t see a life.

This is what I see for myself.

I see myself never sleeping, staring at the ceiling, staring at the water. Staring at the road. I love driving when I’m sad. I love driving as far as I can till I can breathe again. I see myself wearing his clothes. I see myself with his shirt on my body, the ones that are too big for me and look like a dress as he says. I see myself with my hair dirty and oily. I see myself crying every time I brush my teeth or brush my hair. I think about how bad I’d smell. I think of the showers I wouldn’t take. I think of the holes in the room surrounding me from myself and probably a broken hand again. I see myself quitting my job. I see myself leaving if he told me to stay so we could figure out where I’d live. I see myself just taking whatever I could and hiding from him. I see myself hiding from everyone. He’s never abused me I don’t want anyone to think that. But hiding because I couldn’t take the pain. I see myself driving as fast as I could. I see myself taking some type of pills. I see myself fading as I’m driving from those pills. I see myself fading. I can feel the pain in myself that I felt a year ago. The pain I felt when I tried to do it the first time. The time he made me stop. I don’t see myself anymore. If I’m not sleeping I wouldn’t eat. If I’m not eating I wouldn’t have anything but medication in my stomach. I’d be broken. I’d be broken because the only person to put me to together is the person who can tear me apart. All it takes is one thing to bring me back. All it takes it one thing to push me away. Once I lose him I don’t see myself.

Once you put your all into someone for 3 and a half years and get ripped away from it what are you supposed to do.

How do you get up and pretend you didn’t wear the ring? How do you get up and pretend you didn’t love their family? How do you pretend that you’re not completely shattered? How do you do it? How do you continue to cry even though there’s no tears? How do you breathe? How do you think? How do you continue.

I don’t think I would continue. I’d pick bad habits. I’d probably cut myself till I was raw. I’d probably take every pill I could buy at the store. I’d let all my money run out. I’d driving my car as fast as I could till it went out of control. I’d be forever broken. And if he brought me back because he felt bad and not because he wanted me, I’d break all over again.

Now my question is, who’s going to notice when I’m gone? Because if he’s the only person in my life, he would know but he wouldn’t know. He’d feel me leave. But maybe he does love me the way I love him. But why is it that he’d survive without me. He’d live without me however I couldn’t live without him. Maybe I’m too attached. But maybe just maybe I need to be attached. Because I don’t think this world needs me but I sure hope he needs me.

If he ever sees this, I love you beyond the words and actions I can provide. But please don’t leave me. Don’t break me. I couldn’t do this without you.

[blossomfully]

“But don’t you ever feel the urge to speak to strangers?” she asked. “To ask them about their lives?

“Don’t you ever wonder what helps them fall asleep, and what keeps them awake at night?”

[quotemadness]

“There is nothing wrong with staying with someone and trying to make it work. Just be sure you know the difference between determination and desperation.”

— Charles Orlando 

[recaption]

[boyparanoia]

[yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou]

[sa-dnesss]

[anqelsheart]

i’m so mentally exhausted it’s unreal

[you-fuckingcunt]