i hate titles @flarghblarghl - Tumblr Blog

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just watched like, a really emotinla music video and got all sad n shit n started crying

it made me so happy to watch and the music just made everything here seem so much better for a few minutes

it’s been a long time since i could cry and it felt good

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bored asf

thinking about making another album or smt

or making a video game or writing a book or....

maybe just watching more tv

this is now a christian blogging blog

I learned today

of a new deception

“it feels good”, but it is not truly good. How can this be?

I’ll tell you how

The devil lives among us

He takes what we know not

To blind us from the truth

Where I don’t know what to make of the feeling, he says that it feels good

And if it feels good, we must do it

But this is wrong

Feelings are good, but we must not be fooled by them.

it is an extension into the darkness

not a light of its own

if it feels good, it’s a feeling. that’s all.

if it is good, you can bring it before god.

if it is good, you can shine a light on it, and it will still be good.

if it is evil, you must hide it, so that the evil one may prosper

Satan is a god of ignorance

don’t be deceived

so demons are real

and i think i’ve finally learned to identify mine and overcome it.

it’s a very difficult road ahead, i’m sure, but at least i’ll be walking it on my own terms.

what if u had the body of lil xan

would i still hate myself

why

because it isnt about my appearance

#:(

ohh teh guilt

and the shaaame

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

it hururrrrrtsss

i am so saddd so very saddd

ifuckedup in the pst and now i have to deal w it

grrrr

this blog still exists. wowee

i’m gonna make an album

ik i’ve said it lots of times before (not on here) but this time it’s fr because it’s just gna be my songs in chronological order for the listener to examine the evolution of somebody’s personal musical expression

damn i had a lot of drama

well... spending all day and night working, nobody to trust.

i’m on the path to becoming the most successful and the most crazy person on the planet. i think writing my thoughts and feelings out helps me manage my mental state, though. it helps me track myself, and better understand how the human psyche functions.

watched another Inner Integration video today, and something really stuck with me. she mentioned how when you own yourself and have integrity, you begin to attract a similar tribe to you. around two months ago, i began this journey of self-mastery/healing and experienced just that. i began to attract people to me without trying. and i felt closer to them than i had with anybody in quite a while.

sadly, they are only friends. they aren’t going to help me through anything or support me. or maybe they will.

i write now as though to a friend. it feels like every moment can be viewed as either pathetic or as an example of the power of the human spirit and an individual’s will to continue even when completely alone.

i’m not just alone, though. i’m under attack. spiritually, mentally... physically, i am strong enough so nobody would dare abuse me any more. that will only protect me from so much, though. that’s why i work so much. that’s why i am advancing the areas that i am advancing in. i have drive like no other. my drive used to come from the dream of having a friend or loved one of some sort to share my life with, but now i see more clearly. now i see that such a dream is improbable, and perhaps i put too much value and too much trust in others.

i have said that so many times, and yet, even now, i realize the falsehood in such a claim of having moved on. i still want a friend. i still want somebody who cares enough to listen and encourage me, or to offer advice or even just companionship without abuse or manipulation.

but i know that as long as i maintain the fantasy that i am being cared for or that somebody is going to come and rescue me, i will never get out.

alright, so i’m reading a book at the table downstairs, and this person comes in to the room. they see me reading the book, and after a few seconds, begin talking to nobody in particular, and literally stomping about the room.

thing is, as soon as she walked in the room, i had predicted such an event occurring. i knew that when she saw me focusing on the book, she would make an effort to distract me. she didn’t want me reading. she didn’t want me in an open space. she wanted control. so she started the process of distracting me. i put down my book and looked her in the eye as she did a dance and talked about nothing. i stood up, and began to leave the room. when she saw me leaving, she said “i knew you would do this”. i told her that i was trying to read a book, and she was distracting me. she said i was overreacting, and started her namecalling routine.

thing. is. i’m fucking self-aware enough now to realize that she’s just trying to manipulate me. she just wants control over me. she wants to provoke me into arguing with her over the merit of my decision to leave and continue reading this book because she wants control. there is nothing wrong with reading, and there’s nothing wrong with moving away from a distracting person in order to continue reading. it’s not an overreaction, and it’s not a childish thing to do.

and she knows. but the truth isn’t of concern to her in this situation. manipulating me is her priority. keeping me in her control is her goal. verbal abuse is her method of bullying, because she’s tried physical violence and it doesn’t work. threats don’t work, either. so she gets in my head.

but now i know too. so i’m going to keep reading this book, and i’m going to continue strengthening my mind and my independent thought. i’m not going to let her control my mind. i am stronger than her.

this is a success story

learning something every day

well i finally gave up on fake friendships and decided to open up to an old college friend about my life to see if he was willing to be real with me. just kind of ranted about how shitty my family life is and how i can’t trust anybody... he hasn’t replied in almost a week; thing is, i’ve seen him online when i was “invisible”. it isn’t heartbreaking, though. just educating.

now i know one more person who isn’t worth my time and who i know i can’t trust. one more person who never really cared.

i don’t need anyone. i don’t need these liars. i don’t need all these phonies in my life. the more i uncover these fake friends and abusive family members, the more i realize that for all these years i’ve supported myself. i never truly relied on others because to receive love from somebody they have to love you and nobody has.

and so i will continue to succeed and grow and advance and leave them behind. they don’t deserve me any more than i deserve their lies.

i keep watching these Inner Integration videos on YouTube, and every video surprises me with how accurately it describes my own life and past experiences and tendencies. she describes things that i have struggled with that i never told anyone. now i know how alone i truly am, but it has not broken me. in learning how alone i am, i have learned how strong i truly am.

i just want to play my songs and sing around in circles till the day i die

but who cares to listen

just went out on the porch and played for the first time in a while.

pushin out for a wake up call i know you’ll be here if only for my time

on the wrong line i’m waiting all around

wishing that you could see us now but you’re not on this planet any more now

i’m a whore now

and it’s all your fault

it’s all your fault again

and i know the way this goes you’ll be here one day one day you’lll leave again

coming on the road again i know i don’t have any friends around here

so i’ll shed a lone tear and keep you in the corner of my house

i don’t think this will work

it’s just too hard

to play pretend

to make believe

with nobody there

maybe i’ve just lost my mind again

it wouldn’t be a big surprise to you

it’s what he always had me do

and now i’m yours forever never on my own

carry on the way of all the things i never say

keep them down there

keep it underneath the things we love to hate

i can still see the stars and the moon and the gray unloving sky

all alone

now

alone

still this fire burns under my skin

waiting for the right time

to devour

to believe

that i can see

beyond the memories!

are we even here or am i trapped back at that subway station with you

do you recall that? or am i just a fool without his jokes?

and i see

oh i seee

i see such a thing

in front of me

such a heart

to hold

to bleed

still, i see

wish we never left the park

and tossed that ball around under the night sky

it was a light sky while you and i and she were still together

the world was very different back then

at least to me

but not to you

ok one more thing

i remember 2015 kendrick’s new album and hearing him sing “i love myself” over and over thinking this dude is crazy but now it’s like damn he wasn’t crazy

oh yeah... when i was at home, i would have killed myself but i decided it was morally wrong. i was completely ready though. completely.

then i moved out and that desire left me. within a year i was practically laughing at how i wanted to kill myself before.

then i came back, and within a few months i was suicidal again. then the death fantasies came into my mind a couple months ago. they’re almost gone, now, though. funny; i just realized they started to leave when i first decided to move out.

things are becoming more and more clear. i don’t need love from others as long as i love myself. when i learn to love myself, i can love others. when i learn to respect myself, i can respect others. i need to love and respect myself by acknowledging how toxic this home is, and how much it has damaged my psychological state, and i need to move on to bigger and better things.

no more living in denial. no more letting others dictate my future. today is the first day of many

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i hate titles