how do you end up getting yourself into these kinds of situations, all the time. it’s exhausting, trying to pull you out of it, it really is. you always end up wasting my time by thinking with your heart rather than your head, do you know how much trouble you get yourself into? and then i am left to deal with it. i have no energy for your complicated stories and emotions, honestly i have better things to do, i could be building an amazing future for myself but here i am once again caught up in your fuck ups. i have never hated and loved someone so much at the same time, i am nothing like anyone I've ever met before, and i don’t know how to feel about that. i get so fascinated with myself, the way i work, the way i think, and the way i act, it’s like my mind and soul are two different people, both in a never ending journey to figure each other out. i think that’s where all the mental illnesses came from, i get so wrapped up in trying to figure myself out, that i end up getting lost within my own emotions, and then it always ends up with me collapsing into myself, but as people say that’s how super novas come to be, its a star collapsing into it’s self, it creates one hell of an explosion, and a huge mess, but it’s beautiful and it generates light brighter than the sun. when you’ve hit rock bottom (or at least that’s what it feels like) you question everything, even your own god, that’s normal, yes, but everything happens for a reason and i live by that. i hated last year, it was the worst year of my life but i am so glad it happened, because it got me here to where i am now. shit, it left so many scars but, the other day someone told me something i’ll never forget. “I find your scars attractive”. these were some of the most important words i had heard this year, and it changed everything for me. that what made me realize that i can’t do this whole ‘figuring yourself out’ thing on my own, it takes other people to help you along the way, even if they do you wrong, the way you react to them is going to help you put the pieces of yourself together. ahh to be honest i’m not sure where this is going, i’m just writing what ever comes to mind, and this is it i guess, i was looking back at my other pieces of writing and i was in such a different place to where i am now, so this is isn’t my best piece of writing but it’s the most raw, and it’s dedicated to the most complicated person i know, me.
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