undiagnosed baddie

prob gonna post about astrology, anime, music, art and other things in the future

[kaihasmoreswagthanyou3]

jerking off is gay because you’re the same gender as yourself

[fleetingterminalworm]

First day of driving class and I already hate driving.

[onlygirlinthwrld]

I need people to take candid pictures of me so I can look at them and delete them right after

[fleetingterminalworm]

A Self-Taught Human Being; Rant post

A good thing about being self-taught, in terms everything, is that you can decide the pace of learning and are not pressured about deadlines. You are in your own comfort zone and growing. But oh boy, the downsides are far greater in my opinion. In my life, I have wanted to learn and do a lot of things. However, my fear of people and being perceived as a failure, crook or a worthless person has inhibited me to join communities of shared interest. Honestly, people would be more than welcoming, but my disgusting fear and low self-esteem don’t help at all. In that process, I have lost countless opportunities and chances to improve myself as a person. I have taught myself art and singing, but if I am being honest, had I joined a class or a community, I would have had more growth than my current state. Even at home, my discipline and motivation levels are very inconsistent so then it would be random outbursts of creativity than nothing at all.

One of the reasons is probably because there is no second party monitoring my progress and actions unlike in classes where you will be checked by a mentor or a friend. This belief is only limited to my creative pursuits but complete opposite to my existence as a person. In life though, there will be a lot of people that will look at you, monitor you and judge you for what you are worth. As far as I can remember, I have always been a cheeky and playful kid. I have never thought about “oh money, success and career” that much. Even at school, I would put effort only because my bench mates and crushes were smart people (haha). Also, I had a crush on my teacher. Everything has been from external stuff and I have never been serious about my life thinking it would benefit me. On contrary to my brain, my outward appearance is of a serious nerd who takes everything seriously (I am just neuro-divergent with rbf) that has led people to have high expectations from me which were burdening. At some point, to please them, I would learn to embody a mature person at the age of 12-13 (which was a big mistake, I completely burnt out). I am grateful to people as it did improve my studies but destroyed my mental health when I was already going through some things at home. Even now, people will look at me and have high expectations, but I don’t care as much now.

Voice is also that is not self-taught and would require harsh lessons. I used to be a quiet kid who didn’t speak much. I had been through some incidents of molestations as a child and an adult. Male gaze has always terrified me. But if I don’t speak up, who will protect me? I think since the time my tears turned into anger, I have become a bitter person and I hate people even more. You wouldn’t see me smiling at you just because you approached me with a smile because the people who did bad things also smiled and acted polite.

I don’t go out much or have discussions related to popular subjects with my friends. I am not trying to be unique or different but the things that I like are kind of different and its hard to relate with my friends. Even if they try to talk about my interests I have trouble responding because I have bad communication skills and I would rather have them engage in things that I am interested in and then, we discuss the things rather than have myself explain about my interests (its embarrassing tbh). When I am at home staring at my screen and doing things that I like, I feel sooo okay. But when I meet people outside, I find that they are putting in efforts to get fit, grow their career, advance their romantic relationships and travel some places. Then, I feel like a huge adult-baby (will be 21 tmr). I convince myself its ok because my peers have always been a few years older than me but still cannot get over feeling of worthlessness.

It is so unfair that in life you have to go through things and learn lessons to grow as a person. You cannot go through life, only expecting comfort and self-teach yourself humanity and its lessons. You actually have to meet people, both good and bad, face both good and bad situations unless you have a healthy family, environment and come from generational wealth (which makes me dread life every day). So what I want to say is as much as I would like it to be possible, being a self-taught human being is impossible.

Adios.

[fleetingterminalworm]

LETS TALK ABOUT MERMAIDS

I have been obsessed with mermaids ever since I was a kid. I think my interest in marine life as a kid influenced this. I remember watching the documentaries on ocean life and deep-sea life. I was so fascinated by all the creatures, especially the majestic humpback whale. Then comes the experts with their job titles like marine biologist, whale specialist, etc. I remember being like “yep that’s what I am going to do”, as a five-year-old. But alas it didn’t come true because I was from a low-income family and belonged to a landlocked country. But then I was introduced to MERMAIDS through animations (mermaid melody, the little mermaid), movies and shows (aquamarine, h20, mako mermaids). The ability to just live in water sources and interact with the creatures seemed so wonderful and magical.

Then BOOM, the ‘mockumentary’ “mermaids the body found” dropped on animal planet. I was like holy shit, they are real and the scientists say so. Me and my sister were so serious when we watched it on cable TV and would search for “real mermaids found” videos on YouTube when we got our hold on internet and watch it so seriously (lol). My poor heart when I found it was fake haha. Even in my art, drawing mermaids and sea creatures always felt kind of different and satisfying than other things.

Note; Just a rant

I believe that there is heavy underrepresentation of mermaids in the movies, games wtever. I mean there are whole anime and show franchises dedicated to mermaids, but they are sooo old. Nowadays, big media just put mermaids just to say ‘here’s your goddamn mermaids’ (I am not talking about adaptation of little mermaid). There are short films and animations, but you know what I mean, I still yearn for major franchises. Compared to the past when it was very popular and had many stories, nowadays we only see limited screentime of mermaids. Last time something I watched something good was probably ‘Siren’. The transformation scene is so good. Even in games, unless you are talking about makeup and dress up games, there are not much mermaid representation (except for fantasy where they are side charac or npc). Though I have seen on tiktok some indie mermaid games in development including ‘MERMADE’ which is a horror one and there is also one with yuri love story but it aint enough for me. I think pirates of the Caribbean stranger tides had hella good mermaid screen time. I watched that movie just because there were mermaids (I haven’t seen the other parts).

Are mermaids real? I mean shouldn’t they be real to be honest? Call me delusional and crazy if you want. I know that some desperate and blind sailors probably saw a manatee or a beluga whale, supported by some lighting tricks in the ocean and gave birth to the concept of mermaids. But I mean evolutionary theories say that we share common ancestor with apes. We evolved from organisms that lived in water. Whales also used to be land mammals before they evolved into the majestic mammalistic beings they are today. I mean there are so many creatures, whether in land or ocean that are yet to be discovered. And I am not saying that they are gonna look exactly like the beautiful humanoid magical beings depicted in the media. There is an animator named David Romero who has animated a video about mermaids, but they are actually ocean creatures that look like mermaids (looks humanoid but fishy). I mean they might exist like his creations.

I think because the whole concept of mermaids is so mystical, mysterious and just makes everyone curious, sometimes people can be fooled by those who want to take advantage of people like any other thing which is hard to prove and doesn’t have concrete evidence (like god). There were some places that used the skeleton of a monkey and a big fish to create a dry mummified mermaid (the Fiji Mermaid). Many people visited it and was damn popular in the past until it got debunked. I think in Japan, there was also a corpse of a Kappa (not a mermaid but you know what I mean). Even dumb little me believed the mockumentary which was made as a joke. Maybe that’s the magic? The lack of evidence, stories from people who sail in the ocean that heard something or saw something, it what makes the whole concept more interesting and for me, I just can’t look away. I mean if in the future, it was discovered that a mermaid-like creature was found and they were real, I think I would be like oh yeah, they are actually real and maybe went on with my day or if they existed today, I wouldn’t mind much. I mean hello, if elephants, rhinos and giraffes didn’t exist physically but as a myth they would be so hyped up as the legends.

That’s it for my rant about mermaids. Ciao.

[fleetingterminalworm]

Tomorrow is the day?

I have been putting off things that I have to do, for a long time. I have been given opportunities and chances but I dont grasp them due to fear of being seen as a failure or an imposter, like I dont belong at all. I could move somewhere else with a new identity, but even that takes efforts that I am not used to give. Despite having chances, I disappoint people. But I just wanted to do the thing and never wanted to be bombarded with expectations. How do you actually do things without being perceived or without bringing up peoples expectations? Can I just exist? Let tomorrow be the day.

[fleetingterminalworm]

ASTROLOGICAL OBSERVATION OF FAOUZIA

DISCLAIMER: NOT A PROFESSIONAL ASTROLOGIST, THINGS MIGHT BE WRONG OR DIFFERENT, ITS JUST FOR FUN

Faouzia was born on 5th July, 2000 in Casablanca, Morocco. Her birth time is not available so I have no idea about her house positions and other aspects which would have been helpful. She is my favourite artist and since I have been delving into vedic astrology, I wanted to do a simple analysis on her birthchart. I am in no way a professional astrologist and the observations, I noted it from other people’s observations (like how I would check for my signs, aspects and houses).

First, her ASC is in aries in aswini nakshatra. People with this nakshatra have dark feminine and unbothered look. They have a haunting beauty and look good in or mostly wear dark or black clothes. I think its so true. For me, most of her best looks have been in black or those dark red clothes which compliment her beauty very well ( tho the unethical white lace dress and her i wanna dance with somebody performance dress have my heart). Her new album, Film Noir definitely goes into this aesthetic of dark and haunting romance.

Her Sun is in ardra nakshatra (gemini) and people with this placement have very expressive and dreamy eyes. They are soft, intense and kinda look sad even when they are not. One of faouzias charm points are definitely her eyes. In podcasts and interviews, her eyes are so charming and expressive when she talks and smiles, even with her fans. I also have noticed in her mvs and stage performance (to camera and her fans) she flutters her eyelashes like a princess. They also tend to be private and secretive and build masterpieces in the quiet. Idk about this one. Masterpiece, yes secretive? She def loves sharing her songs and cant stop leaking the whole songs (lol). There might be other aspects that influence this.

Her moon is in leo (Magha nakshatra). She was definitely made to perform and shine. Magha nakshatra means the great one and makes the native stand out in their profession and like duh faouzia is undisputedly a very talented artist who is respected by a lot of singers and her fans. The natives have majestic presence, have sarcastic and funny humor (her makeup video with her sister samiya lol). They can also be complex and can be misunderstood by others. She def has some tea related to her past friends in college and was misunderstood as she said in her stripped concert interview for tears of gold and you don’t even know. These natives are also proud of their nations. Faouzia is obv proud of her country and incorporates her culture into her music and fashion.

Her mercury is in gemini (punarvasu). Because it is a jupiter nakshatra which symbolizes abundance, wisdom and resilience, she is optimistic, adaptable and has a natural charm. She also has a playful personality. This placement also means that she can rock an office siren look (which is so true). She excels both in logic and creativity (engineering and music). Her mercury is in retrograde which means her thinking process is different than others, keeps things to herself and is very smart. It also means her ideas are original and she tends to be more independent. She puts a lot of ideas herself in her mvs. Like for eg in the puppet music video, the outfits and concepts are her idea, the illusion dress that tries to hypnotize and make you a puppet? Wonderful. Her lyrics are also very creative and original. She definitely has put a lot of work cos she is brilliant in communication (very clear and articulate).

In her big 7, 2 planets are in jupiter nakshatra, 2 are in rahu, 1 planet and asc are in ketu and 1 is in sun. Jupiter brings her opportunities, abundance and luck (venus for love and beauty, mercury for intellect and communication). Rahu and ketu brings rebrand and changes. She started out with local performances and was an engineer student while she was signed to a label. Now, her aesthetic is definitely different after she left her label and is growing her fanbase in China and other countries. Her two planets sun and mars are in rahu. Rahu symbolizes transformation, destruction and renewal. I think past few years were very difficult for her in terms of her contract with label (she felt restricted in creatives), her love life (he literally told her to leave her music career to marry her) and other personal problems. Rahu is very prominent and she handled all these stuff to transform and renew her career and life (she left her label, left the guy) and now she is reaching new heights while making her own creative decisions.

Just a non serious observation, but she is aries asc so her mother prob likes milk?

Fun fact she has retrograde in same planets as mine (mercury, Uranus, Neptune and pluto) and also other aspects (north node and chiron), idk if it’s a generational thing.

Her yoni is a dog but she loves cats.

I have observed that she seems extroverted when she talks to people (interviews and fans) (prob cos she is nice and has a big voice) but I think she could be the type of person who would be in her head a lot or would not approach strangers (an omnivert idk).

I am ashlesha sun and its not compatible with ardra sun (lol).