borrowed blue | neteyam sully
pairing. neteyam x reader
genre. fluff, angst
word count. 14k
songs to listen to while reading. out of the woods, taylor swift. i know places, taylor swift. the archer, taylor swift. i told you things, gracie abrams. i won't give up, jason mraz.
part one | part two | part three
summary. nothing you had was ever truly yours, not your body, your health, your mind, nearly your soul. all you wanted was to feel like yourself, but you were still trying to find her. what you found instead was Neteyam, the future Olo'eyktan of the people you were fighting. and even though you knew how badly this could end, you saw him. and he saw you too. not the borrowed blue, only you.
author's note. guys, this month has been crazy! i hope youâve all been doing well, and i really want to thank you for all the comments, love, and support.
this is a really important and long-awaited chapter⊠i hope you enjoy it!!
0609 HOURS â AWA'ATLU, METKAYINA VILLAGE
the feeling of home was not something you experienced often. you always thought it was because you had lived on two completely different planets, carrying such distinct lives within you. but you were beginning to understand that maybe it was because you had never truly allowed yourself to live in that place, with those people.
a part of you was in panic. each day spent on that island felt like roots taking hold beneath your feet, growing deeper and stronger. you knew you wouldn't be able to leave. not without causing a great deal of damage.
and it felt inevitable, as if slowly your old life had become a distant dream.
you could see it in the moments with Kiri and Tsireya, in Tuk's laughter or in the jokes you shared with Spider and Lo'ak. things seemed to be escalating so much that it was like Neytiri and Jake were not only adapting to you, but getting used to you.
Jake had pushed you to begin training in Naâvi ways, learning alongside warriors who divided their time between combat and healing. but it was Neytiri who was always somewhere close during those sessions.Â
of all the weapons, the bow was the one you had adapted to most easily, that was something you both shared. in the beginning, her corrections came sharp and immediate, a light strike to your elbow to lift it higher, a firm adjustment of your stance without warning.
over time, it had changed. she rarely said much, yet something deeper lingered in it, something unspoken that lingered between each movement.
âthe bow is not something you hold,â she murmured once, her voice low as her hands guided yours. âit listens.â
your heart ached a little more with that feeling. it was becoming difficult to remember who you had been in your most fragile form, in the body you had been born into.
Jake was the only one who brought that back. the Naâvi traits he had learned over the years were there, clear to see, but his human awkwardness still made you laugh. his corrections made you feel like a girl being taught by her father.
each night, your task was the same, to convince yourself that you were capable of leaving when the time came. and you were almost succeeding, if it weren't for Neteyam.
who, apparently, had grown tired of waiting for you to come to your senses.
something had broken between you during your last conversation. it made you hope your cruelty had been enough to keep the subject buried, to make him move on and spare you both a greater disaster. however, it was hard to remember the last thing that had happened the way you expected.
in the following week, you had a strategy for that war. your advantage was that you knew your opponent, so you bet on that. Neteyam was the oldest, the most admired warrior among the young ones. despite wanting to, he wasn't impulsive like the rest of the Sullys, so you expected him to step back.
your only disadvantage was that your opponent knew you just as well. and at that moment he decided it was time to be as reckless as possible.
it was as if your cruelty had been, in fact, an invitation. as if you had said prove me wrong and that was the only thing he heard.
it wasn't obvious, which in a way made everything worse. there was nothing to confront because it was never something big enough. it was the space he created beside you without announcing it. the way he made a point of passing close in a crowd, his hand finding your skin for just a second but enough to make you ache for more.
to avoid being an easy target, you started surrounding yourself. Sullys, warriors, anyone. you had made a real effort to be accepted among them, and it was starting to work.
everything became clear during an afternoon training session. you were talking to one of the young warriors, something trivial about technique and had even found yourself enjoying it when his presence settled in before you ever heard his steps.
he approached without hurry, placing himself between the two of you, saying something about training in a simple way, and the conversation simply... ended.
you stood there for a second, staring at the empty space that remained.
you turned to him, who was already looking elsewhere, posture relaxed, as if he hadn't done absolutely anything. and technically, he hadn't. that was what drove you to the point of tearing your hair out. there was no way to prove it, nothing to confront it. it would be ridiculous to even try.
Kiri had once said that if you decided to stay, there would be suitors lined up to court you. apparently, something about your appearance was different from other avatars that had passed among the na'vi. you were more similar to them, carried a kind of beauty they didnât quite recognize, according to her.
none of that felt remotely close to the problem at hand. you had no interest in being courted, no intention with any of them. everything you had ever known had always been under your control. it was the only thing you truly trusted.
and then Neteyam existed, and that stopped being real.
every movement seemed to be guided to place you in his path, without the ability to redirect. it simply happened. he would stop whatever he was doing the moment you entered a room. your eyes would find each other before either of you chose to look. and that relief, involuntary and inconvenient, would already be there in your chest before you had the chance to refuse it.
at the very least, it was irritating. that was putting it kindly.
but what proved far more irritating was your own naivety in thinking you would be safe in a room full of people, that he wouldn't make his way to your side.
Tonowari had called the warriors earlier that day; the tulkun were returning to the reefâs waters after weeks away. once, they had been welcomed with nothing but joy and new stories. now, they needed to be alert to the RDA's movements near the island.
at Jakeâs side, you followed the conversation and the unfolding of patrol routes when Neteyam stepped into the marui, Loâak close behind.
inevitably, the two moved closer. luck wasnât kind enough to place Loâak at your side, so you didn't take your eyes off the map.
the moment he arrived, the main discussion dulled into background noise, while the silence between you grew louder. it was worse when he started like this â quiet, unreadable â because even without knowing what to expect, you found yourself waiting. and that waiting filled your mind in a way that felt like aging ten years in ten seconds in his presence.
"you know..." you could feel the warmth of his body from how close he was. "for someone who's trying so hard to stay away from me, you're not very good at it."
your neck ached with the speed you turned toward him. ''you're the one who came to my side.''
he didn't answer. but you felt something in that silence that was worse than an answer. the faint curve at the corner of his mouth only confirmed it.
you took a small step to the side, trying to concentrate. Jake pointed to one of the markings on the map. "the movement has increased in the last few weeks, here and here. Tonowari believes it will escalate when the tulkun arrive." he looked at you. "what do you think?"
"yeah," you said. "the patterns match what weâve been seeing. double patrols at the southern entries make more sense than spreading out."
your body stiffened for the second time in only a few minutes when Neteyam leaned slightly over the map, his arm brushing against yours. it wasnât accidental, you knew that.
i won't give you that, you thought. not today.
"the southern warriors can cover here, and the western ones here," he said, pointing, in his natural and neutral tone, as if his arm weren't pressed against yours. you resisted the urge to kill him. "if we divide the patrol---"
"it'll work," Jake agreed. he marked it down then glanced between the two of you briefly, with the look of someone seeing more than he wanted to.
the meeting continued, and you didnât look to the side again. however, you could feel the weight of his gaze following every movement.
Neteyam was learning to read you. at first, it was unintentional, then it became deliberate in a way that would have embarrassed him weeks ago, and now simply⊠it was what it was.
the slight tension in your shoulders. your eyes fixed on his fatherâs face. he could tell when you were truly focused and when you were only speaking to fill the silence.
he was surprised by his own patience. kept telling himself that you needed to reach certain conclusions on your own.
but there was a difference between patience and standing there, watching you build walls between you, counting each one in silence.
and he was growing dangerously tired of standing by and doing nothing.
"are you planning to do this forever?"
"you were avoiding me before the meeting."
you turned your head slightly toward him, enough to show you were listening. you could see the nearest na'vi starting to turn their heads in your direction, could almost feel the whispers threatening to rise. your lips parted, ready to tell him to stop whatever insanity he was about to start, but Loâak cut in.
"we're doing this in the middle of a meeting now?"
both of you turned to him. Lo'ak raised his hands in surrender, already looking away like he wanted no part in any of it.
your attention snapped back to Neteyam, this time without the courtesy of pretending to be calm. "if you keep going---"
"what?" he looked at you, serious. "are you going to keep pretending that night didn't happen?"
"youâre the one who said this wasn't real." he cut in, his voice low. there was something in it no longer interested in being careful. "and ever since, youâve done everything you can to not look me in the eye. which tells meâ" a pause, "you know you were lying."
for the first time in weeks, you couldnât look away. he was close enough for you to catch every detail of his face, to follow the rhythm of his breathing. you stayed there, holding his gaze as if something could be said through it.
your way out came with the silence that fell over the marui. in a brief moment of clarity, you searched for its source, just to find Toruk Maktoâs eyes on you, along with the rest of the warriors.
"guys," Jake said, from the other side of the place.
you had both been too caught up in whatever world youâd slipped into. someone had probably tried to get your attention before, and neither of you noticed.
but you were grateful for the interruption. you weren't ready to face whatever courage was sitting behind Neteyamâs eyes.
Tonowari and Jake spoke for only a few more minutes before dismissing everyone. you were already moving toward the exit the second it ended, quick and deliberate, hoping to be out before Neteyam could reach you, before he could even think of stopping you.
Jakeâs voice, firm, stopped you at the entrance.
âyou stay,â he called. there was no doubt he meant you. âNeteyam, you too.â
of course. this can only be some kind of curse.
Lo'ak passed by you, hand at his own neck like he was being strangled. you caught the shape of good luck on his lips before he disappeared through the entrance, his expression making it very clear he didnât want to be in your place.
Jake was standing in the middle of the marui, arms crossed, carrying that familiar paternal look you could recognize anywhere. Neteyam watched you with the same unreadable calm from minutes ago. it was almost unsettling, the way his eyes never seemed to stop finding yours.
"what's going on here?" Jake began, glancing between the two of you before shaking his head. "you know what? donât tell me. just stop."
"no. i need both of you focused here. alert. alive." his tone was sharp, exhausted. it made you feel like a child being scolded by your own father. âwhatever this is, figure it out later. right now, i need you here.â
your shoulders drew in slightly, your gaze dropping to your feet. a long sigh left him, and from the corner of your eye, you caught that Neteyam no longer carried that composed warrior look. there was something almost at ease about him.
"you asked me something a few days ago." Jake cut through your thoughts, your eyes drifted back to his face.
your posture adjusted automatically. you could feel Neteyam turning his face in your direction, confused. but you knew exactly what Jake meant. he had been the reason behind every question lately.
"has that happened to you?" you asked, hoping that if you spoke quietly enough, the waves would swallow your voice. "that feeling that your life here is the real one⊠and the one over there... is just a dream you had."
in the days after your last conversation with Neteyam, it was as if every question that had been buried for years had surfaced. you found yourself wondering constantly â what you wanted, who you were, what you were supposed to do, how any of it would be resolved. and in that moment, it felt like the only person in the entire galaxy who could understand was Jake Sully.
Jake stayed quiet for a moment, eyes on the horizon.
"it did." he said. "it took me a while to realize⊠but i think it happens."
for a few seconds, he kept looking at the ocean, as if he weren't just seeing an endless blue. you wondered if he was thinking about the forest, the place where he had first fallen in love.
"at first, it was the opposite." he added. "Pandora felt like the dream. the base⊠that was what felt real."
the waves filled the silence between you.
"but when you open your eyes to see what this place really is..." he continued, in a calm tone, "living with the people, fighting for the same things..."
a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.
"the rest starts to feel distant..." his eyes came back to you. "like something that happened to someone else."
"i told you that you'd understand when the time was right." Jake spoke and something in his eyes had changed. "i think this is a start."
your brow furrowed. with every fraction of a second he didnât speak, your heart hammered harder against your chest.
"we found your sister. alive."
the air left your lungs, relief slipping over you like a second skin.
a loud ringing filled your ears, your knees turning unsteady beneath you. instinctively, your eyes searched for Neteyam. you noticed the instant your eyes met that he didn't look surprised.
he nodded, seeming to want to come closer.
"she was in an Omaticaya village, theyâre bringing her here," he explained. in his face you could see that wasn't all. "from what i understand... she doesn't intend to go back."
your face tightened in confusion. his words reached your ears, but your mind refused to follow.
"at least not to her human body."
thoughts began to race. you remembered the day you left the base, the files and recordings Jake Sully had that Stella had accessed. it hadnât only been about discovering what you had done. she had been studying him. how he had been accepted. how he had become one of them.
Stella's avatar bought time â it was a healthy body that had no chance of getting sick the way her human one had. to live fully in that blue body, though, her human body would have to die, something you and your mother had given everything to avoid.
that had never been an option. avatars were no longer anything but soldiers at that point in the war. there were no more efforts toward connection between humans and the Naâvi. you were proof of that, and it was only so that Stella wouldn't have to be. all of it had only ever been to buy time. for a cure. for the chance that she might still live a normal life.
you couldn't tell if you were in shock. nothing reached your ears anymore. and at a moment no one present expected, your eyes rolled to the top of your head and your body lurched forward. Neteyam caught you before you could hit the ground, his knees hitting the floor as he pulled you close.
he held you there, calling your name while shaking you, panic rising at the sight of your quiet face. you weren't breathing. there was nothing to suggest that life had ever existed in that body.
''she went back to her human body,'' his father said as if that were some consolation. ''she'll come back, son.''
since he had first laid eyes on you, he knew you transitioned between two bodies â a dreamwalker. the second you arrived unconscious in Awa'atlu, he knew that at some point you would leave.
you leaving him had been all he could think about these past weeks. and even with all the time he had spent preparing himself, he realized now that he hadnât been ready at all.
at least, not for the emptiness you left behind.
0703 HOURS â RDA CONTAINER, LINK STATION
you couldnât tell what hit first. the claustrophobia of the capsule, the heat, or your own body.
it was like a small explosion. very small. the noises from outside were what you noticed first, then the smell, the lack of light, the slow awareness of where you were. it had been a while since you'd been there.
you thought of your hands and tried to move them, preparing to open the pod, but before you could, the lid opened.
''i know she's moving, i have eyesâ''
''then stop pushing meâ''
''i'm not pushing you, i'm passingâ'
several hands reached you at once. you couldn't see yet â the light had hit your face all at once and blinded you â but you knew it was Jesse on one side and Anya on the other. for a second, you almost laughed before you could breathe properly, unsure if it was relief that they were alive or simply hearing them argue again.
you blinked, disoriented. letting your human body take its time getting used to your presence.
as your vision steadied, you found the faces you had missed most in the weeks that had passed. the space between you disappeared in a rush. Anya grabbed at your neck, pulling you close, while Jesse wrapped both of you in one of his firm, clumsy ways.
you couldn't tell who was crying â you'd bet heavily on Anya â but all of you were shaking. they held you tight, as if you might disappear at any second, and you returned the embrace with whatever strength you had left. relief flooding your soul to know they were alive. that they were okay.
''my god, we're so stupid'' Anya said, muffled, her voice breaking with sobs. ''you're such an idiot, how could you do that?''
''we didn't know what to do.'' she pulled back just enough to see your face, her eyes red and tired. ''if we should wait, if we should come after you. we thought you might haveâ'' she didn't finish. ''we stayed here. that's all we could do.''
you tightened your grip on both of them, still holding on like none of you were ready to let go. âweâre not splitting up again.â
with a small shift of your legs, you tried to get out of the capsule, their hands still holding you steady. in the few seconds observing you could see how exhausted they were, the deep shadows under their eyes, disheveled.
''welcome back.'' Jesse said. it was the first time you'd seen him cry.
''first time i see you crying, other than for that nerdy movie.'' you nudged him lightly with your shoulder. he wiped his face with his shirt.
''if you do that again, i'm requesting a transfer to earth.''
it felt good to hear the sound of their laughter together.
the sensation of your human body felt, at the very least, strange. too small, in a color you barely recognized, and with a hunger that felt like you needed to eat for three people at once.
a second later, it hit you. you were back in your life. and without meaning to, you let yourself think that for the first time in weeks, you wouldnât be waking up to the fruits Neteyam used to leave by your bedside.
when you managed to stabilize on your own, a noise came from the other side of the container. all the three of you lifted your heads toward your mother entering the room. the moment your eyes met, you knew that whatever time you had spent away had been far harder on her than on anyone else.
she wasn't wearing her lab coat, had a shirt rolled up to her elbows and a breathing mask hanging against her. that was the face you had known for nineteen years. you had seen your mother get through the hardest time of your lives, but you had never seen her this exhausted.
the second recognition crossed her features, she came toward you without hesitating, pulling you into a tight embrace, arms wrapped around your back with enough force to make your tired body ache. you held her just as tightly, resting your face against her shoulder, breathing in her familiar scent, the closest thing to home you knew.
''you're alive,'' she whispered and you trembled at her tearful tone. it didnât feel like she was speaking to you. ''you're alive.''
after a few seconds â or maybe minutes, time had stopped making sense â she pulled back, hands still on your shoulders. the two of you had always shared a quiet kind of understanding, and now she looked at you the same way she had for years after your father left. like she was making sure you were still there.
'âiâm okay, mom. i'm here.' 'you said, eyes glassy, a small smile pulling at your lips.
and just like so many times before, you watched her expression soften as she read every detail of your face. she nodded, wiping the tears from her cheek with a smile.
''you are. you're here.''
behind you, Anya approached to hug you again and even with a quiet eye roll, Jesse stepped forward to join, wrapping all of you together.
in that moment, you allowed yourself to breathe. as if you had been holding a long breath through all those weeks not knowing if they were okay.
the rest of your problems could wait a second.
1509 HOURS â AWAâATLU, METKAYINA SHORESÂ
Neteyam was a second away from losing his mind.
since he had first laid eyes on you, a part of him had always been waiting, as if he no longer belonged to his own body. if your presence already caused that, he was definitely not prepared for what your absence â for the first time in weeks â had done to him.
you were in your marui and he hadn't lasted a single second being beside your unconscious body. he couldn't bear hearing others say you had gone back to your human form, as if the one lying there wasnât you. and he hated looking at you and not seeing a sign of you there. the expressions he had memorized, the eyes he searched for, the laugh he had grown to love.
it wasn't a dreamwalker lying unconscious.
it was you who wasn't there.
and despite not being able to be by your side, he couldn't go far. his feet were stuck in the dense sand in front of your marui. throwing small shells back into the sea.
hours had passed since you returned to your human body, and his father had been clear, they were to wait for you to come back. your sister was being brought by warriors and your absence temporary. Neteyam had the feeling that the lecture had been directed more at him than at anyone else. which was new. he had never been the one to question. never the one to ignore direct orders.
but he knew where you were. he had heard his parents speaking with Norm.
and he was desperate to say out loud what he hadnât managed to speak aloud yet. you had told him, once, that one day you would have to choose between the two worlds you moved between. he needed you to know there was something here worth choosing, something only he could offer.
his eyes kept following the rhythm of the waves going back and forth, the sounds of the village fading into the background, until footsteps approached from behind. the sun was setting, showing the end of the day and he recognized his motherâs presence before she came into view.
''your family is at the table.'' the tone was gentle but Neteyam knew there was something behind it. ''are you going to let your siblings eat your share?''
he laughed, brushing it off, before throwing another shell far into the ocean. âiâm not hungry. they can go on without me.â
she lowered herself into the sand beside him without asking. she never did.
"something's bothering you."
Neteyam had grown tall enough to be taller than her, but just like with his father, she had the ability to make him feel like a fifteen-year-old boy again without any apparent effort.
"it's about the sky girl."
it wasn't intentional to defend you, but it was automatic. from his mother's look, without a trace of surprise, he realized it was something she had noticed other times.
"is there something happening between you two?"
if he had still been thinking clearly â which he hadnât for some time â he would have dismissed it. the question wasnât really a question. she knew something was happening and he suspected she had known since your first day on the island. and after weeks dodging Loâakâs teasing, he knew how to avoid answers.
the thing was he no longer knew if he wanted to do that. lying about what he felt until he could convince not only the others, but himself as well.
"Lo'ak is here, alive, because of her." he said at last, tossing another shell and watching it disappear into the water. "i am here because of her."
Neteyam felt the words stuck in his throat as the silence stretched between them. not because of what he felt, but because of how he seemed about to burst if he didn't confess it.
"i ache every time she's not close."
it was the closest he could come to saying it.
"when i met her..." his voice slowed. "i had to rethink everything i had ever learned about them. everything our people went through because of them." he took a deep breath. "but she risked so much for someone she didn't even know."
if he closed his eyes, he could still see you crouched on the ground, wiping away Lo'ak's footprints with your trembling hands and your face twisted with the effort not to cry. it was the first time Neteyam had seen someone suffer so much to do the right thing.
''we've lost so much because of them. i know that.'' he continued, careful. ''and i hate that.'' a paused. ''but there's a part of me that is almost⊠relieved they came back'' his shoulders lowered as the truth settled between them ''the star that brought them here was the same one that brought her.''
his childhood had been peaceful. he had grown learning his peopleâs ways beside his siblings, admiring his father, living in a world that had always felt like his own. the sky people had always been around, only those who had been selected to stay.
he still remembered the pain that had overtaken his people when they returned. stronger, more numerous. crueler.
Neteyam was fourteen. he had been in training to become a warrior and leader for some time. with their arrival that intensified, the responsibilities grew, the days shortened, and the idea of having something of his own, a life beyond duty, became more and more distant.
especially something like this.
when he found his mother's eyes and saw the quiet understanding there, he realized she understood like no one else. after all, you came from the same star his father once had.
''so why are you still here?''
the question caught him off guard. his mouth opened, searching for some answer but none came. for hours, his mind had been building elaborate ideas to show you that you belonged to Pandora, that it wasn't just him who wanted you there. Eywa had shown you, again and again, that you were one of them.
if wanting were enough to keep someone in place, you would never leave.
"we argued a few days ago," he said, quieter than he intended. "she told me i was wrong about what i feel."
"she's not. i just â she's trying to push me away. and i'm not going anywhere."
Neytiri absorbed it in silence, her gaze drifting toward the ocean. the sunset stretched across the water, warm and endless. a slow breath from her drew his attention back. she turned toward him, lifting a hand to his face, holding it gently.
"are you in love with her?"
it was as if his heart had dropped from the top of an Ikran.
his mother moved her hand to rest over his chest. Neteyam could no longer say whether it was there or with you.
"strong heart," she whispered. "cannot protect from everything."
he covered her hand with his for a second. when he pulled away, she was smiling, softly, in a way he didnât think he had ever seen before.
"go," she said. "before your father notices."
this time when he stood and began to walk away, he didn't hesitate. his steps turned into a run toward where he could call his Ikran.
he stopped at the entrance of his marui, finding Loâak there, eyes widening at his sudden appearance.
"i need you to distract dad."
Lo'ak furrowed his brow in confusion, then slowly, a grin spread.
"finally something i'm naturally good at."Â
Neteyam ruffled his hair as his brother pushed him lightly, then ran off again.
he was going to bring you back.
1603 HOURS â RDA CONTAINER, LINK STATION
"so, let me see if i've got this right..." Jesse pointed at you, his hands pressed together under his chin. âyou were in the most romantic moment of your life and still managed to say it wasnâtââ
"there was nothing romantic about it."
"there's a little" Anya interrupted, her eyes going to Jesse, who raised an eyebrow at her. "ok, it's the most romantic thing i've ever heard in my life."
"anyway," he turned back to you with a shake of his head. "that poor guy. didn't know he was getting involved with a professional self-saboteur."
you rolled your eyes, arms crossed over your chest, leaning against your link pod, focusing your gaze on the two of them.
"it's more complicated than that. Neteyam is..." a slow breath left your nose.
"a Na'vi prince and you... human?" Jesse shot back, and you stared at him. Anya hit his shoulder before turning to you.
"so what? werenât his parents exactly that?"
the thought had crossed your mind before, but it stayed buried somewhere deep. turning your back to them, you opened the capsule and pushed yourself up, sitting on the edge.
"Jake doesn't have a reckless sister trying to become Naâvi or a mother to take care of,â you murmured, shoulders dropping, eyes on your bare feet. âitâs different.â
it would never work. even if you wanted it to.
"you're in love with him."
your head lifted slowly toward them. you processed the words as if the air had suddenly thinned, like you were running out of breath.
"if you deny it, youâre only proving it," Anya pointed out, and there was something gentle even in that.
the worst part was that nothing in you rushed to disagree.
"for my own sanity, i need to go," you were already lying down in the pod. "speaking of my reckless sister, sheâs probably waiting for me."
their laughter reached you before the lid closed.
"someone has to keep torturing that poor dude."
the discomfort of switching bodies barely hit you this time. your mind was too busy catching up to something it had probably known for some time. you were in love with Neteyam.
but it was the first time anyone had pointed it out, or that you had recognized it.
when your eyes opened again, the familiar ceiling of your marui was the first thing you saw. you stared at it for a few seconds in pure silence, trying to settle into the thought.
you wondered if you would be able to walk away again, knowing the only thing you wanted was to be with him.
your thoughts dissolved when, sitting up, you heard a sound at the entrance. you turned your head and there you found Stella.
just like you, she no longer wore her old human clothes. her hair was braided like theirs, her large golden eyes fixed on you with a fear you had never seen before.
"you kept me waiting forever." she laughed, trying to mask it.
without hesitating you stood faster than you expected, wrapping your arms around her smaller frame. in the weeks apart, it seemed she had taken the time to grow, she was taller than you remembered.
the hold didn't feel like enough. your mind was moving too fast to understand that she wasnât going anywhere. tears slipped down your cheeks as you breathed in her familiar scent.
"i was so scared of losing you," you whispered, holding her tighter.
she held you just as tightly, her body trembling with quiet sobs.
"i thought you'd be furious with me."
a small laugh escaped you at her thin, shaky voice.
"i am," you pulled back, holding her by the shoulders. that fear you had seen was already gone. "donât ever think about doing something like this again. weâre grounding you until youâre thirty and you're never leaving my sight again."
through laughter, the two of you went back to embracing. all you could think was that you would have swum further, waited longer, just to see her like this. happy and alive.
when you pulled apart again, your hands stayed on her shoulders as she wiped away tears that seemed endless.
"i'm so sorry. i didn't want to put you through all of this."
"we could have talked," you said, giving her shoulders a small shake. the smile was still there, but your brow had tightened. âwhy didnât you tell me?â
''would you have listened?'' she asked softly, something almost hurt in her tone.
you studied her face carefully, searching for an answer that didnât come. your hands slipped from her shoulders, falling to your sides.
"of course i would haveâ"
"no, you would have seen it like a soldier, not as my sister."
there were a thousand versions of Stella you had memorized over the years. but this one â bright-eyed, unhesitating, so full of feeling she seemed to take up more space than her body should allow â this one was new.
"Stella, we'll figure this out. Stella, it'll be fine. Stella, you don't need to be scared." she mimicked you, while ranting in a way you had never seen from her. "you would have gone looking for a solution the second i told you. and i didnât want that. i wanted you to listen to me."
you didnât know how to feel.too many parts of you were waking up at once. you didnât know if you felt angry, hurt, or disturbed by the fact that she was right.
âitâs my responsibility as your sister, Stella,â you said, with a certainty you knew too well.
âstop.â her voice came out tired. âi hate it when you talk like that.â
"no, listen." she took a step back. her tail stopped moving. "i was so tired. you have no idea what it's like. the treatment. every time it works for a while and then it stops. and mom killing herself trying to figure out how to save me, and you trying to fix everything, and me in the middle pretending iâm fine so it doesnât get worse.â she swallowed. âiâm exhausted. of waiting. of being a burden."
watching her face, you could see the hurt building in her eyes. something in your chest sank at the thought that you were causing that.
"in this body, i don't cost anyone anything. if Eywa decides i deserve to stay, i stay. if notâ" she shrugged, but her eyes shone differently. "at least it was my choice. not a doctor's, not yours, not mom's. mine."
"almost fifteen." she shot back quickly. you almost laughed. "and i know what i want. i know what i was feeling." her voice softened.
''i can't say i understand but it's not fair. you're asking me to give you up. to let you die.''
"itâs not your job to keep me alive.'' her voice came out quiet, trembling. "you're disappearing trying to keep me here. and iâm scared that one day iâll look at you and you wonât be there anymore.''
"you know all iâve ever wanted was for you to have a normal life. a long one," you murmured, feeling your throat close into a knot.
"i know." she said softly, through a long breath. "but i saw dad. ever since we found out i was sick, i grew up knowing that's how it would end for me too." somehow, that hurt you more than the idea of losing her. "and he's not here anymore. but i am, and i saw what it did to you and mom, even years later andâ" she swallowed, looked to the side for a second as if gathering the courage to say what she wanted. "i can't do that to you again."
you didn't answer, didnât have the strength to.
"i donât really remember him⊠not from when he was still healthy." she slowly took your hands. "but i remember you. how you were before all of this." there was something human in her. something only she had. "and then i heard you talking to Jesse and Anya."
every part of your body reacted at once, like cold water had been thrown over you.
"you changed after dad died. you never laughed or seemed at peace anymore. mom and you were always arguing behind my back and that dayâ" she paused, a small smile appearing. "i saw you again."
"you did all of this just to bring me here?" your voice came out as nothing more than a shaking whisper.
"no, not at first." she shook her head. "i want to stay, i want to try. but i knew you would come after me⊠and i hoped youâd come here. to find him.ââ
when did you grow up so much?
your shoulders fell with a long sigh as you pulled her close, resting your head against the top of hers and pressing a soft kiss there.
supporting her meant so many things you could barely look at them all at once. it meant giving up any chance of staying. because then it meant leaving your mother without either of you, which you would never do. it meant sacrificing Jesse and Anya, who had given up their own lives to help you.
they could never go back to the base, but they could never stay there as humans either.
that was real. just like your heart being crushed against your chest. you, and Neteyam.
even this close, he kept slipping through your fingers. becoming something you couldn't have.
"alright. i'll be by your side." you said at last, pulling back to hold her shoulders again. hope sparked in her eyes, even as yours stayed tense. "but... we need your human body. and it's at the base."
you could see the exact second the realization fell over her. panic surfacing in her expression, and you wished you could take it away â but inside, you were just as lost.
the tension of your words dissolved when you heard footsteps, several of them. you recognized that sound without much effort and confirmed it when Lo'ak, Kiri, Tsireya and squeezed between them, Tuk appeared.
Kiri hugged you, Tsireya and Tuk joined right after. you tried to return it as best you could, catching a glimpse of Stella behind them, trying to compose herself and wipe away her tears.
"you took too long." Tuk declared, breaking from the hug. you tapped Loâakâs hand as everyone turned toward Stella. "is that your sister?"
"yeah, everyone this is..."
"Stella." your sister said, slipping into the space in your sentence.
something inside you settled when Stella smiled, exchanging greetings in na'vi with a smile you hadn't seen in months. the Sullys had a way of doing that, pulling people in before they even realized it.
but nothing could silence what you wondered inside. where was the oldest of them, and how your heart longed for his presence.
0039 HOURS â AWAâATLU, GUEST MARUIÂ
after months of chaos, you had grown used to the constant noise. even when alone, your mind was loud enough to fill the silence. once the night settled and you managed to pull Stella away from the Sullys, she fell asleep peacefully in your marui.
and somehow, everything there felt very quiet.
you had been watching Stella sleep for a long time. relief settling in alongside a quiet kind of envy that even with so many problems, her sleep was clearly unaffected. her tail moved occasionally, slowly, as if even asleep she couldn't be completely still. there was nothing you had missed as much as that.
sitting at the edge of your marui had become routine after so long on the island. your head lifted toward the sky, eyes tracing the distant stars glowing miles away. nothing seemed to bring comfort, not even the silence of the night.
everything that needed to be resolved was beyond your reach, and you were here, with no idea how to fix any of it. how to convince your mother to let go of her own daughter, or how to retrieve a body without being seen. as the eldest, solving problems had always come naturally. you were good at it.
but at the most important moment of your lives, you didn't know where to begin.
the night kept passing, when in the distance you heard someone approaching. you already knew who it was. you had seen his ikran earlier, returning somewhere beyond the reef.
something in the air changed when the fabric covering your entrance moved and he stepped inside. there was no need to turn. the way your heart hammered in your chest answered for itself.
you just hoped he wouldn't stay long enough for you to do something you'd regret.
"is she okay?" his voice came out low, careful with the silence of the place.
he stood still for a second. just like every other time, the sound of the sea and the wind faded into nothing, and the silence between you became the loudest thing in the room.
"i brought some things." he said, with the calm tone you were used to hearing. "for both of you."
you glanced over your shoulder, catching his figure from the corner of your eye. he was holding a small bundle, folded leaves over something you couldn't identify with just the moonlight entering the marui. you rose slowly, trying to ignore the cold twist in your stomach at his presence.
when you noticed the bioluminescent points the night brought across his skin as they reached his face, you sensed something different in him. you couldnât stop the thought, wondering if it had something to do with the hours heâd been gone.
"you can leave it there."
he nodded, took a step closer. you moved at the same time to help, without letting yourself think too much. but the space was too small, and your timing was completely off. suddenly you were too close.
the things scattered across the floor in an exaggerated sound thanks to the silence. your head snapped toward Stella, but she didn't move. both of you froze for a second, then knelt at the same time.
you started gathering without looking at him, sensing you were dangerously close. you had decided that the safest thing was to keep your distance from him. it clearly wasnât working.
your fingers nearly brushed his twice, but you avoided it each time, redirecting your hands, pretending you hadnât noticed. pretending he hadnât meant it.
after a moment you felt a light tickle on your cheek, a loose strand of hair falling over your face.
your hand lifted to move it, but his reached first. he tucked the strand behind your ear and for a second you forgot what you were doing, your breathing shortening.
when you raised your eyes, he was already looking at you.
he was so close you could count every mark on his face, observe all the features you had dreamed of since the day you met him. your eyes moved slowly over every detail, still feeling the contact of his warm skin.Â
he didn't look away, giving you enough space to pull back, to step away, but you didn't. you started to wonder if he could hear how loudly your heart was beating.
it was impossible to tell who moved first. maybe both. but he was so close, close enough that you could feel his breath against your face.
is this really going to happen?
your eyes were closing, waiting. when a sound reached you both.
the two of you turned toward her. she murmured half a word, a sigh, and then didn't move again. just like when she was a child.
you stayed looking at her for a second. your heart was still in your mouth. when you stood, Neteyam was already on his feet and there was something in his face you recognized. an expression dangerously similar to the one you had seen days before.
you couldn't let that happen again. it would be too cruel.
without thinking too much â as had become your habit with him by that point â you reached for his wrist and pulled him outside, far enough not to wake Stella. he followed in silence, even though you could sense he had something to say.
under the moonlight again, you both stopped, face to face.
"i thought i made myself clear."
Neteyam stayed silent, eyes fixed on you.
"and i thought i wouldn't have to say it again" you continued, because his silence made you want to fill the space. "i have no idea what you think this is, but if itâs that, you don't owe me anything, Neteyam."
his brow furrowed slightly, as if he didn't understand.
"i saved your brother because it was the right thing to do. i wouldn't have let you die either." you crossed your arms, trying to look steady. "that's not something you need to repay. i'm not a debt of yours."
he just kept looking at you.Â
nothing in his face telling you what he was thinking. for a second, you thought that was it. that you could breathe again.
"you really believe that." it wasn't a question. he seemed incredulous, speaking more to himself than to you.
"no, listen." he raised his hand to stop you. "is that what you think of me? of who i am?"
"you did." he stepped forward. instantly you stepped back. "you just said it. you think i'm here because i think i owe you something." his jaw tightened slightly.
your throat closed. you blinked, frustrated. you rarely cried, but with him, it was becoming something embarrassingly frequent.
"you know that's not it. i trusted you... i told you things i've never told anyone else."
his eyes were like the other night. wounded, full of hurt. your mind drifted despite yourself, back to what he had told you then. how he feared not being able to meet everyone's expectations, the weight he carried, the dreams that never left him. the years he had dreamed of his mother's screams after being shot.
you knew then that perhaps you had gone too far.
"youâre not the only one with responsibilities. everything in my life is a duty." his voice was firmer now. his face was tight and honest in a way that made you realize you had struck something. "my father. my people. my siblings. i know what it is to carry something because you have no choice." he stopped right in front of you. "you are not that."
"you know youâre not." he interrupted, simple. "i see you."
your heart sank in your chest. you hoped he wouldn't notice what that had done, but you knew he did. he always did.Â
"and you can't keep us apart. that's why you're saying this now. not because you believe it."
"i can'tâ" your voice came out louder and trembling, caught with tears in your throat.
"you're doing everything to push me away and i keep staying. thereâs nowhere for me to stay, but iâm still here." he paused. "i hold on to every small thing you let me have."
you were hurting him. the realization was worse than knowing it was inevitable, that you didn't know how to stop even when he didn't deserve it.
it was like a long breath leaving him, and whatever remained of you going with it.
"not because you saved Lo'ak. not because i owe you something for that day." he spoke so quietly, as if it were something only you should hear. "because i'm choosing. it's the only thing that is completely mine."
you had never wished so much that your body would betray you and cut the connection, taking you far from there.
Neteyam looked at you for a few seconds, this time visible to you. you could see the plea in his eyes, his jaw softening and his tail swaying the way it used to when you appeared.Â
all of Pandora seemed to have gone silent and only you and he existed.
âi wasnât going to beg,â he said quietly. âbut i donât care about pride anymore.â closer again. his lips very near your face. âstay.â a breath. âiâve already chosen. i need you to choose too.â
no matter the effort you made, the words wouldnât come. the thin line you both had always walked, seemed to have snapped and blurred with everything else.
then he stepped back. and this time, he left.Â
you didnât move, watching his silhouette disappear between the maruis.
once he was out of sight, you let yourself feel.
your body lowered slowly, arms wrapping around your knees, holding on to something, anything. there were no tears left, not really. just the hollow weight of everything pressing in at once. no solutions that would keep you and Stella there. no future where you could return what he felt without it costing too much.
choosing him meant letting go of everything you had fought to hold together for so long.
and you didnât know how to do that.
but it felt like, with every step he took away, he was taking something of yours with him.
and you knew your heart was still there, you could feel it. beating against your chest, loud enough to prove it hadnât left you entirely. otherwise, you might have doubted it.
because all the small pieces Neteyam had taken â on the first day you met, in the clearing, in every day you had shared since then â were with him.Â
and now you feared he had all of you.
1239 HOURS â RDA CONTAINER, LINK STATION
the ceiling of the container was the same as always. gray, metal, and at the corner, a thin crack crossing the right side â not deep enough for outside air to get in, but visible enough to be found. if you closed your eyes, you could trace every inch of it. you had been staring at it for a long time. you didn't know how long.
after being made to take nutrients through an IV, you were lying down trying to recover whatever strength your human body still held. enough to face all the problems waiting outside â some on the inside too.
"it's the only thing that is completely mine."Â
you hadn't slept that night. you tried to put in order of urgency the list of things that needed to be resolved: Stella, her human body at the base, your mother, Jesse, Anya. but everything your mind desperately to push away kept coming back in flashes.
"i hold on to every small thing you let me have."Â
for someone who had been steady her entire life, you were starting to come apart.
you gave up trying to gather any thought that didn't circle back to Neteyam.
on the other side of the container, Jesse and Anya had been silent for a while, which, on its own, was suspicious. those two were never silent. you raised your head from the pod's headrest just enough to check: they were hunched over one of the monitors, shoulder to shoulder. there was something in the way Anya brought her hand to her mouth that made you sit up.
their backs stiffened, every muscle going tense. neither of them answered right away. Jesse tilted his head as if considering the question, then turned his chair toward you.
"nothing important." Anya added.
they glanced at each other the second you approached, exchanging desperate looks you would recognize anywhere. when you got close enough to see the monitor over their shoulders, you found the recording of an external camera. it showed the container entrance and if you squinted, you could make out the date from the day before, just before sunset.Â
when you ran your eyes across the image completely, you found what they had been staring at.
standing outside was Neteyam.
he wasnât doing anything, exactly. his ikran rested nearby, his back leaned against it. every now and then he looked around, toward the entrance, as if waiting for something, but most of the time he just stood there, staring at the horizon.
hours before telling you he was in love with you.
so thatâs where he had been.
a quiet thought crossed your mind, uninvited. wondering what he had been doing there. whether he had seen all the human pieces you could never quite hide.
''what was he doing here?'' you asked, unable to look away from him.
''he showed up a while after you left, looking for you.'' Anya said, even without looking at her you could hear the excitement in her voice. ''looked like he wanted to tell you something.''
''looked like?'' Jesse grumbled. ''i thought we'd have to drag you back here just to get him off our back."
probably the last thing he wants now is to see me, you thought.Â
"you know," Anya began, slowly, "that whole oldest brother complex... perfect boy thingâ" she gestured vaguely at the screen. "it really suits him."
Jesse crossed his arms while shaking his head. "tragically."
you looked at them and turned your eyes back to the monitor. it was true. the dreamy Neteyam had been made for that.
"how long did he stay? did you talk to him?"
"for a while." Jesse answered when he saw your expression. there wasn't a single trace of irony this time, which was clearly an enormous effort on his part. "something like that."
you furrowed at the answer.
"he stayed with your mom for a long time," Anya explained, and you could tell she was trying not to smile. "then he started doing something we didn't really understand. trust me, we tried. then he left, and now some pretty intense-looking naâvi showed up to check if we were okay. thatâs it."
he had asked them to look after your family.Â
there could be a million versions of you and you were almost certain none of them deserved him.
the silence lingered for some time. you could sense the silent conversation passing between them, deciding who would question you first about what was happening.
"i need to talk to my mom." you said, leaving no opportunity for them to say anything more.
your mother was in the back of the container. she used that area for a moment to herself â away from babysitting two irritatingly intelligent teenagers. the papers were scattered as always, her lab coat hanging on the chair. she looked up when you entered and there it was again, that same look. the quiet assessment, as if she studied you for a few seconds before speaking.
"you're awake." she observed, over her glasses.
"seems difficult these days," you murmured with an empty laugh. you pulled a chair from the corner and sat sideways, legs hanging off the side. "i think we need to talk."
your mother let out a small laugh, pushed her glasses up, and closed the notebook in front of her. she began organizing the papers on the counter.
âyeah⊠i think we have a few things to figure out.â
for the past few years, all you had felt was anger. uncontrollable anger. you hated that stella was dying â something you had to admit, because she was â hated your motherâs apparent lack of reaction, hated that your father had gone and left you there.
it wasnât her fault. but stupidly, you had no one else to blame. except yourself. for having better genes, or just the luck of surviving.
"your sister wonât change her mind," she confessed in that same calm tone you had heard your entire life. "i knew we were going to lose her the day i told the truth about the treatment."
you kept looking at her. for the first time in years, you noticed something other than her jaw tightening. her eyes were tired, looked long enough, you could see they were slightly swollen, as if she had been crying.
''i think⊠this time we'll have to let her go.''
that was the last thing you would want to hear, but you knew it was true.
the silence stretched so long you didnât even realize when the tears youâd been holding back started to fall.
''i'm not readyâ'' your voice broke as your eyes lifted to her face. ''i'm not ready to let her die.''
as you hadn't done in years, you cried like a child in your mother's arms. being comforted by small pats on the shoulder while your body trembled and the sobs grew louder.
it was irrational to blame yourself for not having the illness Stella carried, but it wasn't the first time you had prayed to switch places with her. you didn't want to let her die. but you couldnât stand to keep her in pain either.
after you managed to calm down, breathing slowly again, your mother pulled back, wiping the tears from your cheeks. her expression was gentle, but heavy with fear.
''i need you to forgive me.'' she said softly, just for you. ''iâve asked too much of you⊠more than i ever should have.''
"no." she paused. "i need you to know this, i need you to understand that none of this is your fault." her voice came out choked, heavy with restrained tears. "i watched a little of you disappear every time you went into that body, and i don't know why i agreed to it. i was so lost⊠i was so selfish."
small tears began sliding down her face.
''your father was the gravity of everything i had. and after he was gone, everything kept spinning around nothing.''
you didn't want her to feel guilty for a single second of those years, even if you had been the support when all you wanted was to just be a daughter. grieving your father had been one of the worst feelings you had ever experienced, but hers had always surprised you.
today, years later, with your heart resting in someone else's hands, you were beginning to understand why.
''it's okay, mom. i was just doing what was best for everyone. you were too.''
"but that wasn't your responsibility. you were just a kid." she let out a long breath. "your father and i never wanted you and Stella to carry any of this. it was never meant to be yours."
gently, she ran her hand across your face, as if while looking at you, she could see you as a child again. when you closed your eyes, you remembered, for a moment, what your fatherâs touch had felt like. the same words he once told you.
"dad told me the same thing..." you paused. "a few days ago." you saw the surprise on her face, as if she hadn't expected it. âhe wasnât mad at me⊠i kind of expected him to be, at least disappointed. but it was the opposite."
her face softened, and once more she pulled you close in an embrace.
"of course he isn't, my love. we're so proud of who you've become." those words filled a space you didn't know existed in your heart. "your father always knew what to say. for you, he always left the best parts of himself. i donât need a blue body to know that."
you squeezed her shoulders.
your mother, in the entire universe and every galaxy that existed, was the only person who shared the same fears, loves, and people as you.
"i miss him so much." your eyes burned. "we didn't have enough time."
"i don't think any time in the world would ever be enough... but your father knew the value of every moment with the people he loved.â her eyes found yours. "and there's a certain young man who seems to know that too."
you tried to say something, to question what she was talking about, but she got up and went to the cabinets at the back. when she turned, she was holding something you didn't understand at first, but soon recognized.
in your mother's hands was your old music box. it had a small ballerina that used to dance to the sound of a melody as old as the green, sunny days of earth. you had forgotten about it.
the short years on earth had been good. you had privileges others no longer did. you could have chosen anything you wanted to do when the time came. art was as scarce as trees by then, but your last dream had been to be a ballerina.
you would have lived for art. through the painful ballet shoes and performances that made you feel like you belonged somewhere. it would have been a good life.
but like the music box, something in you had been broken on the arrival to Pandora. and your dreams had disappeared with its music.
"i thought it was broken."
"it was," your mother offered, extending the box still closed. "but a boy came by... he seemed pretty determined to fix more things than just this box. he spent hours trying to understand what it was."
"i..." your voice faded, still in disbelief at what you were holding.
carefully, you opened it. the ballerina rose, exactly as you remembered from childhood. even more carefully, you turned the key. the music came out soft, like it was relearning its own volume, and the ballerina began to spin. slower than before, but spinning.
"youâve already given up so much, honeyâŠ" your mother said, gently. "you don't have to do that with this."
you couldn't stop following the ballerina spinning. you tried to breathe properly, but couldn't quite manage. you were surprised by how much you were capable of crying.
"what about you?" you whispered, looking up at the face of the person you looked for every day. vision blurred with tears. "Jesse and Anya?"
"i've made my choice, sweetheart." she brushed a strand of hair from your face, smiling softly at your tear-streaked cheeks. "they have too."
it felt like someone had kept you pinned to the ground for years, a foot pressed to your chest and in that moment, they were finally letting you breathe.
ever since you met Neteyam, since you went to Awa'atlu, it felt like some things could finally belong to you. like you were starting to belong to yourself. not to some soldier or a laboratory.
but none of it came close to how much you wanted him.
you closed the lid slowly, carefully. with the ballerina resting, it felt like many things inside you could finally do the same. perhaps that feeling of never belonging had always been because you were in the wrong place. in the wrong body.
when your eyes found your mother's, she had that familiar, challenging look you had known your entire life.
"go," she said, simply, before you could speak.
you laughed softly, a short, honest sound. the most genuine one you had let out in a long time around her.
"i haven't even said anything yet."
"you didn't have to." she took your hand and squeezed once, firmly. "i've known that face since you were four years old."
you looked at her for a long moment. at the tired eyes, the lab coat hanging on the chair, your mother, Sophia. then you threw your arms around her again, holding her tight.
âi love you, mom,â you said, so quietly you thought she might not hear.
but she held your head, hugging you just as tightly. almost as if knowing that once she let go, she didn't know if you would come back. and you werenât sure either.
"i love you, sweetheart."
but when you turned and walked away, you knew there was only one choice in your heart.
1623 HOURS â AWAâATLU, METKAYINA VILLAGE
you had searched every corner of the village, but he was nowhere to be found. not at the training grounds, not with his father or his siblings, not out on patrol. at this time of day, he was usually somewhere within reach, but he was gone.
at the peak of your desperation, you started asking around. the elders said no, though not without first praising how dedicated he was to his duties. the warriors you tried said they hadn't seen him since morning training. somewhere between the third or fourth person you started to get irritated. especially when you tried asking a group of girls your age, the way they talked about dreamy Neteyam, almost as if his name meant something more. you gave up on them when you realized being angry any longer wouldnât help.
at some point during the search, a hint of doubt settled in.
he was easy to find. not just because you knew his routine, but because he always seemed to be somewhere your eyes could reach. and then you started wondering if he wanted to be found at all.
maybe he had believed what you had insisted so much. maybe he had realized you weren't willing to accept what he was trying to offer⊠and had simply given up.
the thought landed heavier than you wanted to admit. you decided you could examine it later.
just as you were about to give up, losing the courage to keep going, Tsireya and Kiri passed by you. your mind was too far away to notice them. it was the grip on your wrist that pulled you back. both of them looked at you with curiosity.
"where are you going? we've been calling you forever." Kiri said, studying you with an expression that made you realize you had seconds to say something good enough to convince her.
"sorry, i was distracted."
apparently satisfied enough, the two of them drifted into a conversation about Stella, Tuk and a tulkun. you wanted to know â genuinely wanted â but it was as if your mind had stayed behind somewhere in the village, still searching. you were calm because you knew Stella was doing very well, and panicked because maybe Neteyam didn't want anything to do with you anymore.
maybe i should say something...
"â and i have to admit, it's funnier when Stella tells itâ"
your feet kept pace. it was like your body knew how to pretend better than your face did.
"after dinner we're going to those rocksâ"
no. iâll tell him. iâll tell him today.
"are you even listening?"
you looked at their curious faces and realized you couldnât lie again.
"sorry girls. i just have a lot on my mind."
that wasn't a lie either.
Stella was with the Sullys, Roxto and Aonung â no sign of Neteyam. you ran your hand through her hair as you approached and she pushed it away with a small laugh. that left you reassured, even satisfied.
when you sat down or at least when your body sat, because your mind was still somewhere else, composing thousands of versions of simply saying hey â the conversation was already halfway through.
"â but in the end she just let us go," Stella was saying, with a smile that took over her whole face, "but i still think the whole being swallowed thing is disgusting."
laughter. you tried to follow along, blending into the circle without really processing what they were talking about.
"what about you, sky girl?" Aonung turned to you, pulling you from your mental torture. "what's the scariest thing you've ever done?"
several pairs of eyes turned your way. Stella was quicker with her response.
"she's terrified of heights."
"i'm not terrified." you shot back, rolling your eyes. "i just prefer to keep my body away from places where it might fall and break."
"you cried climbing a tree once."
"that was a strategic panic."
everyone laughed. you added something about how your body might be made for climbing trees, but your mind definitely wasnât, and after some talk about going into the forest later, you thought of an answer.
"i ran from a thanator once," you said. "it was awful." you thought of the most terrifying seconds of your life. "but at least it didn't find me."
Lo'ak groaned before you even finished. he dragged a hand down his face. "don't even start."
"don't talk about thanators or heâll hear and startâ"
seeing your confused expression about what his brother was saying, Kiri cut in, rolling her eyes but smiling at you.
"he's talking about Neteyam. he got hurt once after running into one, a while ago. the whole village heard about it."
"yeah, he doesn't let anyone forget." Lo'ak added casually, not noticing how your expression shifted.
"he doesn't let you forget." Kiri corrected, then looked back at you. âit was a little before you arrived.â
a little before you arrived.
you were sure your heart skipped a beat â or stopped altogether for a fraction of a second. the two kept talking and their voices blurred together, your mind drifting back to the forest. if you closed your eyes, you could almost see him standing in that clearing again.
''have any of you seen him?'' you asked before thinking. they all went quiet, looking at you.
''uh⊠i'm not sure?'' Kiri answered, clearly surprised by the urgency in your face. ''we haven't seen him since earlier, he probably went out.''
you looked in Stella's direction, she had a wide smile on her face. you ignored the confused looks and started running in the opposite direction.
you had to find him. you had too much to say. Eywa, you didnât even know where to begin, but you couldnât spend another second without telling him.
as you ran, you tried to organize every place youâd already searched. the training grounds, the maruis, the paths you knew and those you didn't. nothing. no one knew, no one had seen, and the whole village kept moving like his absence wasnât something impossible to ignore.
you couldn't go to Jake or Neytiri to ask. you had been avoiding them since Stella arrived. and Stellaâs punishment had turned into lying every time Jake came looking for you. but you knew he was dangerously close to not believing the excuse about the link anymore.
especially when you were searching for his eldest son like this.
so you let your feet guide you, covering the same paths for the third time.
there was something humiliating about searching for someone who might not want to be found. but there was something even worse about stopping. so you kept going.
passed the platforms near the coral, passed two young warriors who said the same as the previous ones â we haven't seen him â and at some point your lungs started begging for a break. you stopped outside your marui, with little hope left and your body demanding rest. you stood there, listening to the distant noise of the village and the waves hitting the shore.
a deep breath filled your lungs as your eyes lingered on the vast blue.
after a few seconds of silence, the sound of an animal caught your attention. you looked up. high up in the sky something large was flying. narrowing your eyes, you recognized it as an ikran.
something inside you clicked. the memory of his voice as if he were beside you, repeating.
"up there, you stop being who you are down here. i'm not the first of anything, i'm not anyone's son. it's just you and the sky. " he looked you in the eyes then. "i wish you could feel that."
Neteyam had learned to live by the sea. but there was nothing he loved more than where he came from.
mentally, you called yourself stupid more than once before you started moving.
your eyes scanned your surroundings, searching for anything that might resemble the forest. all you saw was water, endless water. you called for your ilu, a little more desperate than you meant to be.
the water was cold, enough to startle the heat running through your body. your ilu moved smoothly, quickly, as if it could feel how urgently you needed to get somewhere. the farther you drifted from the island, the more blue surrounded you.Â
until it hit you, the closest thing to his home in Awaâatlu wasnât on solid ground, it was high above, in the open sky.
when you finally spotted the nearest stretch of forest and the towering cliffs, there was only one that held a view of both the ocean and the trees at once. you stilled on your ilu, staring at that patch of green in the middle of all that blue.
''i hate heights.'' you muttered to yourself as you climbed off.
there was something about running toward the love of your life. your feet kept going without the usual caution you were used to taking. branches scraped against your arms, roots caught at your steps more times than you could count, but you didnât slow down.
by the time you reached the cliff, the sound of the ocean had been replaced by the soft rustling of leaves and the quiet life of the forest. your lungs burned.
it took more than a few seconds to convince yourself to start climbing.
it was high. it was very high.
there were enough branches and ledges to make the climb possible â technically â but your brain was too busy listing everything that could go wrong to focus on technical possibilities. you had never gone this high, not willingly.Â
every time you paused to catch your breath, you shut your eyes tight, afraid that if you looked down, your stomach wouldnât be the only thing that dropped. you tried to remember every movie youâd ever watched with Jesse and Anya â every scene where someone dangled over the edge, clinging to nothing, and the advice was always the same. donât look down.
you climbed another meter. eyes fixed on the flat edge that held solid ground a few meters away.
you prayed he would be there. that you had read him right, that this wasnât a mistake. because if you reached the top and found nothing, there was no telling if youâd make it back down with your dignity intact. maybe not even at all.
when your hands finally found the flat edge, you used the last of your strength to pull yourself up.
sitting with his back to you, one leg dangling over the edge and the other bent, looking at the sunset as it painted everything in shades of orange.
you had seen him so many times, and yet your brain always needed a second. always as if it were the first time.
there it was. out of the woods.
you stayed on your knees for a moment, body leaning forward, breathing too heavily for anything resembling grace. at the sound, he turned.
surprise flickered across his face â real, unguarded, as if he hadnât expected to find anyone there. least of all you.
''what are you doing here?'' he asked, already standing.
through uneven breaths and trembling limbs, you pushed yourself up, forcing yourself not to look away from him, fully aware of the height beneath you. you really hoped you didnât look as pathetic as you felt.
"you're here." you said, then immediately second-guessed yourself at the look on his face. ânoâ i mean, i was looking for you."
"why did you come all the way up here?" he glanced over your shoulder, toward where you had climbed from. âi couldâve come to you.â
your heart raced. you couldn't tell if it was the height or him.
''you saved meâ'' you started, and immediately recognized from his look that he needed more than that. ''that day in the forest. you saved me from the thanator.''
you already knew the answer by the way he looked at you.
''if you came up here to say the debtâs paid, you didnât have to climb all this way,'' Neteyam began, irritation threading through his voice, frustration just beneath it. ''i would have done it even if you hadn't saved Lo'ak.''
''why?'' you pressed, stepping closer this time. ''why did you save me knowing i was an avatar?''
he stayed in silence for a few moments, his eyes never leaving yours.
''why did you save me that day in the forest?'' he countered. ''why didn't you let me and Lo'ak die?''
the silence that followed was different from all the others that had existed between you.
''because it was the right thing to do.''
that wasn't the answer he wanted. you could see it in the way he stepped back, then forward again, lips pressing together like he was holding something in.
gods, why canât i ever say the right thing?
''you climbed up here because it was âthe right thingâ?â he challenged, stepping closer like he was daring you to retreat. ''you're shaking from head to toe and thatâs what you have to say?''
you couldn't take your eyes off him. you couldnât force the words that actually mattered out of your chest. that was far from everything.Â
''i've spent weeks convincing myself i was doing the right thing.'' you began, your voice came out steadier than you expected. ''i don't deserve you, Neteyam. i never will. keeping my distance was the only way to protect you from something i canât give you.'' you took a step closer. ''and it was working. it was great. but then you started making it impossible.'' you paused, and when you continued your voice came out smaller. ''why did you fix that music box?''
he looked away for a second â just one â and you knew. you had been right about each other.
''you went there. you spent hours with my mom. asked warriors to keep watch over them.'' your voice broke a little. ''without me asking, without expecting anything in return.''
"they're important to youâ"
"they are⊠but who does that?" the words came before you could hold them back. "that's exactly the problem. you donât even see it, do you?" you paused. "that's why i knew i shouldn't have let myself get so close to you."
being near him grounded you in a way nothing else did. the trembling in your knees wasnât from the height anymore.
''since i got here, nothing has really been mine. and that's fine. i've spent years not wanting anything for myself.'' you could feel the plea in your own eyes. ''and then you showed up, and every time we met, it only made me want to see you again.'' a shaky breath left you. ''and i hated it. i hated how i couldnât breathe without you crossing my mind.âÂ
the sun was setting slowly behind him, the whole sky tinged with shades of pink and gold, and you thought it was cruel that he looked so beautiful in that moment.
âso i tried to ignore it. we both know thatâs all Iâve been trying to do.â your fingers curled slightly at your sides, like you needed something to hold on to. âiâm scared. terrified, actually. because i donât think i could bear the thought of a life without you in it.â
for all the reckless things you had already done â swimming for hours in open water, climbing a ridiculous cliff just to stand here, running from a thanator â none of it came close to this.
âiâm yours, Neteyam. my heart has always been yours, even before i chose.â
he went still, just for a second, but it was the longest second of your life.
''i climbed up here because i couldnât let you spend another second thinking i hadnât chosen you.'' you continued, your heart in your throat.Â
the wind passed between you, carrying strands of hair in every direction. the gentle rustling of the trees around the cliff mixing with the distant sound of the waves.
Neteyam lifted his hand to your face, holding you gently, like he wasnât sure you were really there. his thumb brushed your cheek like heâd done it a thousand times. his eyes found yours, searching, confirming and you didn't look away.
''tell me this is real.'' he whispered, his voice blending with the wind.
you shivered at the plea in his face.
''thereâs never been anything more real to me,'' you answered, your hand finding his arm as your foreheads touched.''i shouldn't haveââ
he shook his head once, like he had heard enough.
and then his lips found yours.
your eyes widened for a second, your body tensing before melting when his hands found your waist and pulled you closer. he kissed you like he had been waiting too long to be careful about it. there was no space between your bodies but it still wasnât enough. you already missed it before it was even over.
you pulled apart for a second. your eyes meeting as something new settling between you. this time, when he kissed you again you were ready. lips meeting more gently, like you both finally believed this was real.
when you finally broke apart completely, your foreheads stayed together. eyes closed and breathing unsteady. neither spoke for a moment.
''you took your time.'' he said, finally.
when you opened your eyes, you found his steady gaze and the shy smile he always carried. in that moment, you thought you would never see anything more beautiful.
Neteyam closed the space between you again, pulling you closer as you rested your head against his shoulder. you let yourself stay there, holding on to that moment, not wanting to break whatever the two of you were sharing in silence.
"i told you." he murmured at the top of your head, softly kissing your hair. "you couldn't keep us apart.''
you weren't sure how long you stayed like that, wrapped around each other, your heartbeats slowly falling into the same rhythm. but the night was already taking over when he called his ikran.Â
the creature appeared at the edge of the cliff, majestic. without a word, Neteyam recognized the fear on your face and held out his hand.
''come on. i won't let you fall.'' he said, his eyes locked on yours with a certainty you were finally allowing yourself to believe. ''do you trust me?''
your gaze lingered on his face. the bioluminescent points, the large golden eyes that had been part of your dreams since the very first day. then you looked at the hand he was holding out.
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this is one of the biggest taglists iâve ever seen, but i just want to thank every single one of you! it honestly surprises me that so many of you waited to see what iâve been writing.
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i hope i donât disappoint, and please share your thoughts with me.
