𓇢𓆸𝔖𝔭𝔩𝔦𝔱

┊ᛝ┊( ˶°ㅁ°) !! Landmine + Aboy = "I'm ded"┊ᛝ┊REblog, spam, GIVE ME FUCKING ATTENTION ヽ(ｏ`皿′ｏ)ﾉ ┊ᛝ┊

[flowerbornofdarkness]

It's... PUNISHMENT TIIIME!☆

𓇢𓆸 Online Name: Split

𓇢𓆸 Age: A young adult

shhhh it's a secret

𓇢𓆸 Gender: demon Aboy (agender + wants to be perceived as male)

he/him pronouns just to make it easier for everyone else even though it's been years and it still feels weird using pronouns whatSOever

𓇢𓆸 A lifestyle landmine/jirai: will consist vents of...

self harm including cutting, alcohol, suicide, violent thoughts, hypersexual, gender dysphoria, yandereish thoughts, and this blog will be treated like a diary so be warn

CARRD!!!☆

there is so much I suspect of myself for many years but I'm just plain mentally ill because I'll most likely never step foot into therapy

𓇢𓆸 Obsessions I've went through: danganronpa, bungou stray dogs, needy streamer overload, and now the hundred line last defense academy

this post will change depending on the theme. For now, Ame and Darumi Osamu Dazai blue source made by kanadenendoroid and bandages dividers made by ybesys aka Yuki

[yyuk1taa]

I need to make very hard decision, should I get nitro for month or this tshirt?

[flowerbornofdarkness]

The shirt because it lasts forever and nitro lasts for a month.

[flowerbornofdarkness]

Everything feels too much. Stop seeing every parallel. I hate it. Stop it. I can fucking see every parallel of my life and what tiny stupid things mean. Always meaning meaning meaning meaning meaning meaning meaning meaning meaning meaning meaning meaning shut the fuck up SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP I SWEAR IM GONNA BASH MY HEAD IF IT DOESN'T SHUT UP AND THEN ILL SHUT UP FOREVER AND ILL NEVER SEE THOSE PARALLELS EVER AGAIN. NO MORE MEANING. NOT MORE FUCKING ANALYZING SHIT. NOT LIKE YOU WERE GOOD AT IT ANYWAY. Just shut up JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.SHUT YP SHUT UPS UTI UPS HTIENSKYDT IWNSOABSJSNSNEJENSJS

[flowerbornofdarkness]

It actually doesn't matter what the fricking bottle looks like. As long as it helps. It doesn't even fricking matter. Heh I feel so different. Like a happy "happy". Hehehahaha. I want to drink 380137191818 energy drinks. Who cares anymore what the fricking bottle looks like. Just gimme. I want a thousand and chug them all at the same time. I want 2 million and chug until my fucking heart explodes!☆ Fuck life. I'm getting monster energy drinks. I don't care anymore. Life is dying away slowly. Who cares anymore. I don't. I hope we all die. I hope we all die like those dinosaur. We all deserve it anyway.

[flowerbornofdarkness]

I actually want to get worse in a disoriented way. Day dreaming/the void, energy drink after energy drinks, getting drunk, music that makes me feel different. Character ai made me feel like that. It was like opening a door. Not that I could actually see it in the real world and was believing it actually happened but more like I know it's fiction but it feels like I'm in the fiction world but in my own fiction world. I just want to live in the void and be disoriented until I die. Yandere thoughts was also like that. It felt like the high of life. Where everything, I just stop caring. Like, I do still care but less. I don't have to worry about reality. I don't have to be here. It's like being half asleep. I'm so close to just being dead.

[yyuk1taa]

CHAT LOOK WHAR @flowerbornofdarkness MADE FOR MEEEE /VVVVVVPOSSS

[flowerbornofdarkness]

I'm so flipping tired. Wait I forgot my brother's don't have work today so I can get up and drink coffee. I so badly just want to go back to bed. And the usual mentally tired. I feel so done with everything but I already planned to do things today. I don't even know if I'll have a decent meal. I'm so tired. I'll probably just eat the banana bread, maybe fruit, and the cucumber water. I don't want to do more than necessary.

[flowerbornofdarkness]

Emotions are again feeling like people or maybe I'm forcing it just by thinking about it because I can't stop thinking about it because once I'm not thinking about it, it doesn't happen. Maybe I'm crazy or maybe I'm crazy!?!?!?!

[flowerbornofdarkness]

I feel horrible every time I bring it up but I know I'm not bringing it up with malice intent. I'm just trying to make her see the situation. Like if you don't like it when I do that to you and I know you wouldn't like it then why are you doing that to me? But even when she says she isn't hurt by it or not even offended or whatever, I still feel bad because I think I'm being mean, rude, like just saying it I feel like I'm yelling at her. I'm just trying to tell her how I feel and then my brain is so mean to me that I can't tell if I'm actually right or wrong. The what if's sound too correct but I know deep deep deep deep deep down I'm just telling her how I feel and be fair but I feel so flicking mean.

[flowerbornofdarkness]

I really want to go on character ai but I really shouldn't. I don't want to do anything though but I do want to play games but I can barely do clean day. I barely even washed myself but I did that so yeah. I'm tired. I don't know if physically or just mentally like the usual but I don't wanna do anything and I keep just staring at my phone. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. Okay I'm realizing it's probably mentally because it was actually so difficult to get up this morning even beyond physically tired. Maybe because I did so much with my siblings this week and tomorrow I'm probably gonna have to take a shower again and wash things— ugh just kill me.

[flowerbornofdarkness]

Living after 18 is like being dizzy and fuzzy and djisbdosnsksbshshsbjsskkssbjssnjs it doesn't even feel like life. But maybe that has to do with other things. I feel like I'm a pet but if I said that to my family, they would just give me weird looks or laugh I guess. I don't really know. I feel like getting worse even just mentally and not actually anything physically makes me look dramatic if I were to say anything. Really actually anything I would say. I'm privileged as fuck. What the fuck are you complaining about? That you aren't dead? Shut the fuck up, Split. People have it so much worse than you. I feel like a wannabe but then I feel too mentally ill for the non mentally ill. This feels like one of those games that restart the same day and only I'm crazy if I say something is off because it seems fine for them but nothing is fine. Nothing is fine at all. Just shove it down and move on. I'll feel different later. Who even cares. I won't in a bit. I'll be "over it".

[flowerbornofdarkness]

Energy drinks really do make me feel more jirai, alcohol too, and the pretty clothes. I wish I had some alcohol. I'm such a pathetic loser.

[flowerbornofdarkness]

I think I'm always in a suicidal mood. When I realize I kinda zone out or life doesn't feel real, I wish I could go back to the void so much that I'm dead. Waking up, I wish I was dead. Going to sleep, I wish everything would just stop and actually the earth just stop, and then I think about life itself too much and just think about everything too much. That's why, because I know I'm a coward, I just kinda have to shove it down down down down down down down and do good when people are around. There are times where life is genuinely good and yeah maybe I wouldn't want to die at that moment but it all makes sense when I'm alone at the end of the day. Everything was just a distraction to the inevitable misery. It always comes down to this. The thing I push down comes right back up like voimt. I wanna die. I want to bash my brain until I'm dead. Just everything makes me hate myself. I hate myself. Why am I in this middle of hate and love for myself. I don't absolutely hate myself but I don’t absolutely love myself. It's like picking teams. Like gender teams but it's either "you hate yourself" team and "you love yourself" team. That's just how the world feels like. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Even in my own misery. Even in temporary happiness. Life really does just feel like a loop. I want off the roller coaster.

[flowerbornofdarkness]

Okay I guess we aren't doing anything today. I mean, I we did spend time together for like almost half a week but... I don't know anymore. Just thought we were having so much fun so keep going? But apparently not.

I'm kinda bored but I still have things to be done and they are even fun things but I'm just kinda tired. kill me.

[flowerbornofdarkness]

I'm so wrong to be like this. I just am. Everyone would think it. Is it bad that I want to be liked despite how wrong I am? It's not even something anyone should deal with but I want them to. I want it to be okay, not wrong. I want to feel okay. I want to be good. I want to not have to change to be right.

[flowerbornofdarkness]

Eating in silence is god damn torture because my mind will think of anything, even if it ends up making me upset, it doesn't matter. As long as the silence is destroyed, it doesn't matter what I talk about. I would love to eat in silence and get off my phone and enjoy the planet but I quite literally can't. So either have an interesting conversation with me or I'm gonna watch youtube while I eat.

It's not fun when my brain thinks of the past and makes me all nostalgic or remembers something that pissed me off 3791631972911 years ago or literally anything horrible.

[flowerbornofdarkness]

I hate it but I keep going back to bed after my alarm went off because I actually can't stay up and even if I did manage to get up, I know I would just take a nap somewhere along the day so might as well take a nap once I wake up. Not like I really knew what to eat anyway besides snacks.