sol vigere ☀️

he/him | 18+ here to be gay & stalk the writers of the fanfics i can’t stop thinking about (it’s literally just @mostremote) apparently, i just post when im losing my mind now (always, but usually at night)

[lovesickbeetle24694]

Currently using the idea of "he will be proud of me" to study

[flowerboypoet]

i reposted this like two months ago and he fucking died this morning.

i guess not this morning because it’s 1am the next day but like he was alive yesterday. he was alive in the morning. i was awake when he died in the morning.

i found out six hours ago and i have been crying on and off ever since. my friend called me immediately after she found out—didn’t even process her feelings just immediately was like “i have to call sol”. we were on the phone four and half hours. i’ve tried to fill the silence. i don’t want to be alone. or sober. but alas.

like what the fuck do you do when your favorite professor dies?

i will miss him forever. i am so beyond devastated.

this is the most pain i think ive ever been in.

he was fucking 47. he has a wife and three kids. he drove a stupid little blue car he was way too fucking big for and he’s a fucking nerd. he’s the professor the upper classmen tell you to never take a class with because “he’s mean” or whatever but he gave me so much grace and patience and showed me so much kindness and i will never be able to tell him that he fucking saved my life this year. i will never see him again. i was supposed to have him again in the fall. i was supposed to see him in two months. i haven’t seen him in over a month. i will never see him again.

i will miss him for the rest of my life. i don’t know how im supposed to just fucking do college after this. he fucking carried me through my whole freshman year and now i’m supposed to just do the rest of college without him. i feel like time has stopped moving.

[flowerboypoet]

missing the ex i broke up w in psychosis so bad to the point i just sent my friend an audio message of me hysterically laughing and saying “i need to top that man again…. i think i need it for my mental health”

[clementiens]

[joomju]

Reblog so she lives forever.

[flowerboypoet]

so i broke up with him lmfao

turns out when a guy kisses you for the first time and you almost tell him you don’t want to make out but you’re too busy freaking out about other things about kissing him for the first time that you forget before he kisses you open mouth and immediately you’re making out with someone for the first time since you were fifteen is not cool because. he. should’ve. asked.

not calling it anything. i don’t think i should. it doesn’t feel right.

but also when you’re kissing a guy and your jaw pops and you have a flashback and have to stop kissing him and don’t even remember what you said because you were having a flashback and you had to stop kissing him and he doesn’t stop he just starts kissing your neck instead. and you have to snap out of your flashback even though you can’t see anything and you can’t feel your limbs and you feel like you’re fourteen again and someone is kissing your fucking neck and you need him off so you say “i’m not here” and you don’t even remember when this was or what happened after that.

and also when you go over to his dorm at 7pm and he doesn’t start spending quality time with you until after midnight because he’s playing video games with his roommate and friend for the billionth time that week and you sat in a chair behind him for two hours on your phone and forgot you were a person until you remembered you could move and made and noise and he turned around and asked “are you ok?” and you looked like you had the soul sucked out of you and you just stared at him and before you said or did anything he looked back at FORTNITE of all things. and then he turned around and asked AGAIN “are you okay?” and you shrugged and took your hand and mouthed “sorry” and gave you his pity smile before dropping his hand and going back to his game. and then for a third time he turns around—this time he asks “are you mad at me?” and you just shrug again. and he asks “do you want me to get off?” and you shrug. and he goes back to his game. and looks at you again and you say finally “i don’t want you to have to get off of your game” which is ‘icantsaynoorstandupformyself’ for “please spend time with me” and he drops your fucking hand again and plays ONE MORE FUCKING ROUND OF FORTNITE!!!!! FORTNITE!!!!!! with his friends before his roommate goes to spend the night at his girlfriend’s apartment and his other friend goes to sleep and you don’t even remember how you got from the chair to his bed but you want to cry. you don’t want to talk you want to cry and you just hold him. and you keep holding him. he turns on the show you’ve been watching together while he WRITES HIS FUCKING PAPER HE PUT OFF THE ENTIRE NIGHT and you just hold him while he rights his paper and you watch the show. you say nothing. you don’t know what to say. you’re so upset you don’t know what to say. he asks “are you mad at me?” and you want to fucking cry. you just shake your head aggressively. he’s next to you now. you’re holding him now. you can’t be mad when he’s next to you and you’re holding him. you can’t look at his face. it’s a face you don’t love. you don’t love him. he loves you most when he’s on top of you or versa vice. that’s when his pupils are blown out and you’re overwhelmed by the amount he feels for you because you feel nothing. not just for him—in general. you feel nothing. you feel nothing.

and also when you’ve had insomnia you’re entire life but suddenly you’re going to bed after four am and then going to class in the morning because he doesn’t walk you home until 2:45 because you want to spend time with him and took a melatonin while you weren’t looking and was falling asleep while you were finally having an important conversation about your mental health he’ll never understand or try to even grasp the genuine seriousness of it and he stops you and says “i need to go to bed” and you understand because YOU DONT. FUCKING. SLEEP. but you want him to. and this night you think about kissing him again because that’s how you always get him to wake up a little and stay with you but you don’t want to kiss him. you don’t want to kiss him. you apologize and start getting your things and you’re still talking as you put your coat on and he says “off topic—“ and starts talking about his fucking fortnite skins or SOMETHING—you don’t care. you don’t even remember what you were talking about. it was over before you even processed you had finally told him something important. and he didn’t care.

and also he doesn’t know your birthday. you always say that you’re a month and nine days older than him and he doesn’t do the math and thinks your birthday in the spring is the 12th. it’s not. it’s the 18th. you look at him baffled and laugh. he says “i’m just not good with dates”. but you are. you’re insane with dates. you knew his birthday before you started dating him. you knew his birthday when you became friends. you told him happy birthday this year not long after midnight. because you’re a good friend. you’re a good boyfriend, even though you don’t even think you like him all that much.

and also you were in a manic episode when you started dating. and you’ve been in a depressive episode for a month and you weren’t even together for two. so for the entire relationship you were in a bad mental state and he didn’t care to even talk to you while you were in his dorm. “are you okay?” i look dead. i look soulless. i don’t look like me. i have lost weight. he didn’t notice. all he says now is “you look so good” “you’re so hot” “i really love your eyes” THATS ALL HE SAYS! “i’m not good with words” he says but all he does is talk. “i’m not good with words” he says but i am and he doesn’t know anything about my books or my music. he liked me for a year and i gave him a fucking shot just for me to break up with him a week before a month together. that phone call lasted one minute and twenty seven seconds and HE HUNG UP WITH ME. he texted me all day and i didn’t respond because 1, i didn’t wake up until after 2pm, and 2, because i knew i needed to break up with him and didn’t know what to do. and when he still texted me goodnight, he said ‘Sorry to ask this and obv you don’t have to answer but are you mad at me? I just feel like you have been ignoring me the past couple days and I wanted to see what that’s about.” A COUPLE DAYS???? it was twenty-four hours. and i snapped him back last night because i cannot have notifications on my phone when i go to sleep. and when he called me and i was in my friends dorm literally yelling about everything and realizing how invested i was in a relationship i didn’t even want to fucking be in when he chased ME. he wanted ME and he didn’t know what to do with me except tease and walk me home.

i was not a good boyfriend. i don’t even remember our relationship. and i feel worse that i don’t feel bad about it at all. but this is what i do remember and i don’t think it’s very good. my first healthy relationship, i thought, and it was this.

[flowerboypoet]

nevermind i’m in psychosis 💀💀 probably scratch most of this shit, and it wasn’t jack shit and i’m so okay and now i feel bad cause he’s one of my best friends and i just hurt the ever loving fuck out of him

[flowerboypoet]

so i broke up with him lmfao

turns out when a guy kisses you for the first time and you almost tell him you don’t want to make out but you’re too busy freaking out about other things about kissing him for the first time that you forget before he kisses you open mouth and immediately you’re making out with someone for the first time since you were fifteen is not cool because. he. should’ve. asked.

not calling it anything. i don’t think i should. it doesn’t feel right.

but also when you’re kissing a guy and your jaw pops and you have a flashback and have to stop kissing him and don’t even remember what you said because you were having a flashback and you had to stop kissing him and he doesn’t stop he just starts kissing your neck instead. and you have to snap out of your flashback even though you can’t see anything and you can’t feel your limbs and you feel like you’re fourteen again and someone is kissing your fucking neck and you need him off so you say “i’m not here” and you don’t even remember when this was or what happened after that.

and also when you go over to his dorm at 7pm and he doesn’t start spending quality time with you until after midnight because he’s playing video games with his roommate and friend for the billionth time that week and you sat in a chair behind him for two hours on your phone and forgot you were a person until you remembered you could move and made and noise and he turned around and asked “are you ok?” and you looked like you had the soul sucked out of you and you just stared at him and before you said or did anything he looked back at FORTNITE of all things. and then he turned around and asked AGAIN “are you okay?” and you shrugged and took your hand and mouthed “sorry” and gave you his pity smile before dropping his hand and going back to his game. and then for a third time he turns around—this time he asks “are you mad at me?” and you just shrug again. and he asks “do you want me to get off?” and you shrug. and he goes back to his game. and looks at you again and you say finally “i don’t want you to have to get off of your game” which is ‘icantsaynoorstandupformyself’ for “please spend time with me” and he drops your fucking hand again and plays ONE MORE FUCKING ROUND OF FORTNITE!!!!! FORTNITE!!!!!! with his friends before his roommate goes to spend the night at his girlfriend’s apartment and his other friend goes to sleep and you don’t even remember how you got from the chair to his bed but you want to cry. you don’t want to talk you want to cry and you just hold him. and you keep holding him. he turns on the show you’ve been watching together while he WRITES HIS FUCKING PAPER HE PUT OFF THE ENTIRE NIGHT and you just hold him while he rights his paper and you watch the show. you say nothing. you don’t know what to say. you’re so upset you don’t know what to say. he asks “are you mad at me?” and you want to fucking cry. you just shake your head aggressively. he’s next to you now. you’re holding him now. you can’t be mad when he’s next to you and you’re holding him. you can’t look at his face. it’s a face you don’t love. you don’t love him. he loves you most when he’s on top of you or versa vice. that’s when his pupils are blown out and you’re overwhelmed by the amount he feels for you because you feel nothing. not just for him—in general. you feel nothing. you feel nothing.

and also when you’ve had insomnia you’re entire life but suddenly you’re going to bed after four am and then going to class in the morning because he doesn’t walk you home until 2:45 because you want to spend time with him and took a melatonin while you weren’t looking and was falling asleep while you were finally having an important conversation about your mental health he’ll never understand or try to even grasp the genuine seriousness of it and he stops you and says “i need to go to bed” and you understand because YOU DONT. FUCKING. SLEEP. but you want him to. and this night you think about kissing him again because that’s how you always get him to wake up a little and stay with you but you don’t want to kiss him. you don’t want to kiss him. you apologize and start getting your things and you’re still talking as you put your coat on and he says “off topic—“ and starts talking about his fucking fortnite skins or SOMETHING—you don’t care. you don’t even remember what you were talking about. it was over before you even processed you had finally told him something important. and he didn’t care.

and also he doesn’t know your birthday. you always say that you’re a month and nine days older than him and he doesn’t do the math and thinks your birthday in the spring is the 12th. it’s not. it’s the 18th. you look at him baffled and laugh. he says “i’m just not good with dates”. but you are. you’re insane with dates. you knew his birthday before you started dating him. you knew his birthday when you became friends. you told him happy birthday this year not long after midnight. because you’re a good friend. you’re a good boyfriend, even though you don’t even think you like him all that much.

and also you were in a manic episode when you started dating. and you’ve been in a depressive episode for a month and you weren’t even together for two. so for the entire relationship you were in a bad mental state and he didn’t care to even talk to you while you were in his dorm. “are you okay?” i look dead. i look soulless. i don’t look like me. i have lost weight. he didn’t notice. all he says now is “you look so good” “you’re so hot” “i really love your eyes” THATS ALL HE SAYS! “i’m not good with words” he says but all he does is talk. “i’m not good with words” he says but i am and he doesn’t know anything about my books or my music. he liked me for a year and i gave him a fucking shot just for me to break up with him a week before a month together. that phone call lasted one minute and twenty seven seconds and HE HUNG UP WITH ME. he texted me all day and i didn’t respond because 1, i didn’t wake up until after 2pm, and 2, because i knew i needed to break up with him and didn’t know what to do. and when he still texted me goodnight, he said ‘Sorry to ask this and obv you don’t have to answer but are you mad at me? I just feel like you have been ignoring me the past couple days and I wanted to see what that’s about.” A COUPLE DAYS???? it was twenty-four hours. and i snapped him back last night because i cannot have notifications on my phone when i go to sleep. and when he called me and i was in my friends dorm literally yelling about everything and realizing how invested i was in a relationship i didn’t even want to fucking be in when he chased ME. he wanted ME and he didn’t know what to do with me except tease and walk me home.

i was not a good boyfriend. i don’t even remember our relationship. and i feel worse that i don’t feel bad about it at all. but this is what i do remember and i don’t think it’s very good. my first healthy relationship, i thought, and it was this.

[flowerboypoet]

boyfriend is leaving campus for the weekend :((

he has to be up early tomorrow so i am back in my dorm early (it’s almost 1am but i don’t get tired until at the earliest 2:30). time to read whump/angst/sad fanfics until i pass out!!!!

[flowerboypoet]

my boyfriend, sweetest man alive, on half a melatonin gummy at 1AM, cuddling & falling asleep behind me while i watch how i met your mother for the first time, turning my face to look at him: i like doing you

obviously, my next response was to cackle for the next five minutes

[flowerboypoet]

hiiiiiii

just wanted to share an overly honest update because i haven’t posted in awhile <33

☀︎ seven weeks into the semester now—it feels like it’s been like maybe three weeks but yk how it is, time isn’t real

☀︎ my professor died 100 days ago and that is also the last day i remember in full

☀︎ i’ve only slept through classes one day & that was because i didn’t know the last time id slept more than 4 hours—so im feeling pretty good about those odds

☀︎ i’m barely behind academically, i only started slipping up last week because i was in a play and it was tech week

☀︎ i am ten days into a relationship with a guy i’ve been really close with for about a year and i am a lot happier than i have been

☀︎ i’ve been sober from weed for 177 days. i haven’t drank in 16 days, which i already don’t do a lot, but i’m at a like. casual point with it. like i can have fun. i’m so young. i’m allowed to have fun.

☀︎ my nurse practitioner doesn’t know she’s awake and prescribed me the wrong version of my antipsychotic (which acts more like a sleep aid than it does an antipsychotic), so essentially i was unmedicated for a month. i’ve been back on the correct med for a little over a month now i think, and im only just now getting a little better. i’m still seeing shit & i’m still a little crazy, but i’m having better days

☀︎ the book i started after my professor died is over 54k words. i don’t know how the fuck i did that but ig 100 days of writing everyday will do that

i really like all of my classes. i have a lot going for me right now, im just slightly manic and very sad. i’m getting better, though. i don’t remember most things due to my nearly twenty years of sleep deprivation (i genuinely have not had a good night sleep in my life), ADHD out the waz, being on sleep aid for over five years (stopped sleep aid in March, i’m now afraid of it), and the drugs i don’t do anymore, but i remember things that have to do with my boyfriend, even shit that he told me about like last year, so that’s at least something.

so, yeah. shit gets better, and it gets worse, but at the end of the day, i’m living as well as i can and i can’t be mad at myself for that.

[flowerboypoet]

hey crazy shit warning!!!! (mentions of sexual assault??? idfk this just happened NOT AGAIN JUST LIKE TALKED ABT IT)

anyways

went to a friend’s birthday tonight. his other friend (that i am also friends with cause i met him last year at my friend’s birthday party LMAO) is friends with my rapist after they met in college last year.

i’ve wanted to tell him for about a year now who he’s friends with. i didn’t know how to. but tonight, it like. lowkey came up naturally???? it’s hard to explain (it’s not—he’s a drag queen & i told him i wanted to see him perform but i couldn’t cause i can’t go to his campus & he was like ‘for why!’ and i dead said ‘i have ops there’ 💀💀 and he goes ‘who??? i low key know like everyone there’ and i was like ‘i know u know him’ and he was like ‘oh shit???? who???’ and like started GUESSING PEOPLE and i was like SHHHHHH cause yk ingrained fear of 1, talking about it out loud in front of people, and 2, i still can’t say the fuckers name, and it’s still hard for me to hear it)

anyways so i told him.

AND THEN I FOUND OUT SOME CRAZY SHIT

first, they have a matching tattoo together, which like :((( but also is kinda funny to me for some reason???? idk lol

also like friend kinda knew he’s done some stuff with some girls (i’m trans btw LMAO if that wasn’t known already) but we didn’t rly get into that

but yea anyways so he slept with his sister in law

HELLOOOOOOO

judging the fuck out of that cause i think i know who she is & i prob got cheated on (i know i did but also probably with her too LMAO—also yea i dated the fucker but that was so like a little over four years ago now i do still have PTSD tho but oh well!)

anyways

i don’t know anything but i’ve been invited to like continue the conversation with my friend & im nervous cause i haven’t rly heard anything new abt my rapist in years cause like i don’t really give a fuck but also like…. ugh. i fear im still morbidly curious. i did fully genuinely accidentally hyperfixate on my trauma after it happened tho so i have to be careful

anyways that’s all!!!! i didn’t know who to tell so i just opened tumblr lol cause it’s been awhile since ive posted & this feels post worthy lol

shoutout remote cause i’m pretty sure they’ll be the only one to read this whole thing LMAO

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

[luna-azzurra]

Writing Advice that Will Save You from Crying over Chapter 3 Again

☽ Sometimes “writer’s block” is actually just your story being broken and your brain knowing before you do. Respect the vibes, go back. Something stinks.

☽ If you’re stuck in the middle, skip to the part you’re excited to write. Chronological writing is a suggestion, not a law.

☽ “Kill your darlings” is not about deleting every cool thing you love. It’s about not hoarding scenes like a dragon with dialogue you wrote in 2017 that doesn’t even make sense anymore.

☽ You do not need to write like your favorite author. You need to write like you, caffeinated and slightly unstable.

☽ Talking to yourself in the mirror as your character is not weird. It’s called method writing. You’re not unhinged, you’re dedicated.

☽ Aesthetic Pinterest boards and playlists are writing progress if they make you feel like a god again.

☽ You can write the climax before you finish Act 1. You can rewrite Chapter 1 thirty times and then delete it anyway. You’re not behind, you’re in hell with the rest of us.

You’re allowed to write stuff that’s not “marketable.” You’re allowed to be weird. Write the story that would make you feel seen. The niche finds its freaks.

☽ Beta readers are not gods. Take what resonates, ignore what doesn’t. If five people say your story drags at Chapter 8? Maybe listen. If one person says “make it all about the dog,” maybe don’t.

[munchyalita]

Don’t kill yourself that shit kills you

[flowerboypoet]

#affirmations

[thisaliennerd]

chronic pain diagnoses are all like yeah we don't know what this is or why it happens. we also don't know how to treat it. good luck out there soldier

[girl-mercury]

you got symptoms syndrome. yeah it’s permanent. what is it? like… what, is it? well it’s a thing where this set of symptoms usually comes in a variety twelve-pack, what do you want. symptoms syndrome. don’t overuse the ibuprofen

[aralintheobsessive]

you should probably also get checked out for Overlapping Symptoms Syndrome, they often come as a two-for-one kinda deal. what can we do if you've got that too? well we can tell your to exercise. it'll probably make some of the symptoms better but others worse. yeah, worse. it's all we've got so take it or leave it.

[lovesickbeetle24694]

Currently using the idea of "he will be proud of me" to study

[flowerboypoet]

tagged by @mostremote to post gifs from ten of my favorite films without mentioning the titles!!!!

tagging @deathgrippp @mo0nagedaydr3am @certifiedgrrrlkisser

[flowerboypoet]

attempted to get a number ticket thingy or some bullshit for an apartment on campus for next year/semester/in the fall,,, stayed up til 7 am (it started at 5:50 am and was quick, i just couldn’t fall asleep), but i didn’t have class today so it was fine,,,, YEAH SO IT DIDNT WORK!! i have to stay up AGAIN but this time i have class at 11 so im NOT going to take my sleep aid otherwise i’ll zonk out til like 4pm and not go to class!!

[flowerboypoet]

i know who i ship me with this valentine’s day!!

me x a good night sleep!

(impossible, it’s 7 am, i’ve been awake since 8:30 am yesterday after i woke suddenly from a nightmare)