watch the minutes go

please read (and follow?) with caution I have every intention of posting about sensitive topics and won’t be putting an age cap like 18+ on this because I feel that 1) it won’t be listened to anyway and 2) it ostracizes younger people who could benefit from this in some way so...I hope something here will be of service to you

[flowerbudinconcrete]

Personal Dilemma(?)

In the last few days, I’ve found myself mulling over the idea of getting back together with my ex. See, I’ve never met anyone in my life that truly understood the inner workings of my brain in the way that he did. I never, until the end, had to explain myself because he was going through the same things, his thought process was the same as mine.

Things got messy, though, and understanding gave way to make room for resentment. We broke up, stayed friends, and the pot boiled over again not long after, so I finally stood up for myself. After a few days of talking it over, the ball was left in my court. I was left to decide if we should be completely done with each other, if we could stay friends, or if there was any chance of us giving it another go for the millionth time.

I felt torn between the first two for a while, going back and forth, until these last few days because a small voice in the back of my head said that we should get back together. But, why??

I’ve been missing lot of the aspects of being in a relationship with him, which is definitely part of it, but I’m also afraid. Being with him is familiar, it’s what I’ve known for a very long time, and familiarity is safe in a sense.

But, I don’t miss him, and I’m not in love anymore. How stupid is that?

[flowerbudinconcrete]

Be With The Person That Makes You Feel Safe

“Don’t fall for the person that gives you butterflies. If you feel nervous when you’re around them, that’s a bad sign. Fall for the person that makes you feel safe, that makes you feel calm, that’s the person you’re supposed to be with. Because if your heart leaps out of your chest every time you get some little hit of affection, or love, from them, it means they’re keeping you strung along. That is not the person to be with. Be with the person that makes you feel safe.”

—Nicole Frangipane

Be with the person that inspires you and gives you room to do better entirely for yourself.

Someone capable of patience, who will try to understand your brain, but will call you on your shit when necessary, and won’t do so with anything other than concern, respect, and a gentleness you know you need, without you feeling or acting defensive in response.

A person that doesn’t try to “fix” you, but, instead, listens and supports the choices you make to fix and solve your own problems — a hand to hold when you’re walking a tightrope, so to speak.

Be with someone you can have productive dialogue with, a new perspective without having to carry the guilt of being how you are.

Be with the person that makes you feel safe.

[flowerbudinconcrete]

The Intersection of Relationships and Freedom

Often times, we find ourselves feeling trapped by the confines of relationships, only to crave them once they’ve ended. There’s this idea that relationships take away more than what you get from them, this “ball and chain” narrative that leaves people desperate for freedom because once you become a “we”, you no longer have that.

In a recent philosophical debate, I realized how much I hate this ideology, and, I’m sorry, but I find it to be total bullshit. Of course, there are relationships without that intersection, but I don’t think that’s necessarily something you should want to be in. If you lack all freedom, fucking run, because that isn’t love— possibly on either end.

There are polyamorous and open relationships, and those sit in the intersection a little bit differently, but it’s there nonetheless. I can’t fully speak on that dither because I haven’t engaged in, nor do I see myself engaging in, relationships that aren’t meant to be monogamous. It just felt wrong to exclude these relationships from the discussion when they’re very much there.

So, for a monogamous relationship to sit inside of the intersection of relationships and freedom, you need to be with someone you can be open with. Someone that can accept you for exactly who you are, that you feel you can be completely authentic with, and you need to be that for them in return.

If you’re with the right person, you should feel comfortable enough to bare your soul, to expose every part of yourself mentally and emotionally, share these pieces that you think nobody could ever love, and know or trust that your person will still be there, that those pieces will be loved.

You should be encouraged to be yourself with confidence and security, to live your truth, and what could possibly be more freeing than that?

[flowerbudinconcrete]

An Introduction

After a recent breakup, and a confrontation that followed, I found myself questioning the relationships in my life— past lovers, friends, family —and I realized that I don’t have anyone in my life that’s truly present. No one checks in, no one returns the favor.

I could listen to people for hours, I connect to these people, I know them, but none of them try to know me, none of them can connect. It’s incredibly cliched to say that I have all these thoughts and no one to share them with, but cliches are cliches because they’re true for so many people— it’s the human experience.

But, as an adult, now, this situation is mostly my fault. I choose who I’m around, and can fully acknowledge that these people are better than others that have been in my life before, that nobody is perfect and I would never expect them to be, but it would be wonderful if I could talk about something that’s important to me without being cut off.

So here’s a collection of my consistently inconsistent thoughts— here, I’ll be diving into movies, characters, songs (and more) that I love and relate to, as well as sharing my art, and my thoughts/feelings during moodswings as they inevitably come to me.

I am here to share, filtering out only the possible details involving other people, because their stories aren’t mine to tell. I can only flesh in my own experiences, I can only tell my story. Or, at least, my side of it.

I say “possible details” because I haven’t decided if I’ll be mentioning anyone else— not that I would name drop anyone. But, in the pursuit of truth, transparency, and total honesty, both with you, whoever’s reading this, and myself, I feel that I’ll have to divulge in the parts involving others eventually.

If you’re reading this still, I thank you, and welcome you to the mess that is my brain. I hope you get something out of it. And, in advance, I apologize for the shit posting that will take place.