November 5, 2013 {Tuesday}
Last night I had a dream that we were driving in your car late at night. We were broken up in the dream- they are becoming more and more congruent with reality now. We were driving and we approached a huge hill that had overpasses going over and around it. In my dream, this hill was something I always feared as a child because it was so steep, and went down so far, and the overpasses made it scary and overwhelming. You started driving really fast up it, and I knew that the downward slope was sudden and even steeper, so I started asking you to stop going so fast, but then thought that maybe that was something you didn't like about me- art of the reason you left me: because I always told you when I was the least bit afraid or stressed and it made you stressed, so I stopped asking you to slow down and be careful. You went flying up over the hill, and the other side went down into the ocean, or maybe a lake. Some body of water. Usually, if you were careful, you could turn in time to avoid it to stay on the road, but for some reason today/tonight there was a bunch of mud and roadwork that made the safe part of the road disappear, and cars had to stop and turn around. We didn't see this until we were at the top of the hill, so you started skidding down on your brakes. I grabbed you hand out of fear and looked over to see that somehow you were now wearing a helmet. I was a little upset that you didn't offer the helmet to me, but realized you didn't have time anyway. We stopped just in time, but were still terrified and shaken up so we sat holding hands to catch out breath and process what had happened. I was still so afraid so I put my hand on your back and was playing with your hair unknowingly. All I could think was that I was glad we were both alive. You turned to me and harshly asked me to stop touching you. I think you were trying to remind me that although we had at one point been very close and intimate, and although we both almost died, we were no longer close and that wasn't appropriate, no matter what. It was a harsh reminder and hurt me a lot in the dream because I wasn't trying to get you back or anything, I just needed a friend for that minute while my life was flashing before my eyes. And you wouldn't even be my friend during that time because you just wanted to make sure I wouldn't try to get back together. After that incident, I had hoped that almost dying together might make us closer, but you wouldn't let it, and that hurt.