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“Fear and Loathing at Beaver Dam Swimming Club,” Cockeysville, Maryland

Knowing that most people will not read this entire testimonial, I want to make one thing abundantly clear: the Beaver Dam Swimming Club is a scam operation and should be avoided at all costs. If there is nothing else you retain from this piece, I implore you to please take that information with you moving forward. This corrupt, lawless establishment does not deserve your business or patronage.

My fiancée, our close female friend, and myself decided to spend our Memorial Day holiday at Beaver Dam, as my fiancée and myself had a pleasant experience there some years ago. We were planning to enjoy the nice weather and have a picnic. While I am sober, the two ladies were planning to enjoy a few adult beverages with their picnic, and we brought two small packs of alcoholic seltzer with us. When we arrived at Beaver Dam Swimming Club, we saw signs indicating that alcohol is not permitted in the park. Admittedly, we should have done more research before making the trip, so we will take accountability for that mistake. However, when we pulled into the club, we were approached by a young boy who looked to be about 13, and he immediately asked if we had alcohol in the vehicle. We explained that we did, but in order to comply with the rules of the park, we said we would be happy to leave the alcohol in the trunk of our vehicle and enjoy our picnic without it. This was not sufficient for the pimple-faced sentinel, and he then instructed a team of fellow children to unlawfully search our vehicle for items that, frankly, these adolescents should be too young to even identify. I wasn’t even certain if these youths were old enough to have work permits. After some bad noise, we acquiesced to their request to hold our beverages at the front entrance, with the understanding that our drinks would be returned to us upon exit. Suffice to say, we were hesitant at best to leave alcoholic beverages under the supervision of toddlers.

We moved on from the ugliness at the gate and had a nice picnic, enjoying the weather, the comradery of our neighboring guests, and playing card games. We couldn’t help but notice, however, that red-shirted security guards were very active, seemingly admonishing and at times escorting guests off the campgrounds; individuals who, coincidentally or not, were all people of color. Not having any context as to why these individuals were being asked to leave, however, we gave the security the benefit of the doubt that they were simply trying to enforce the rules of the park, and that this wasn’t an unfortunate case of racial profiling. I will say though, after this incident, I did do some online research on Beaver Dam Swim Club, and it seems as though these types of incidents are not uncommon, with numerous reports from Latinos and African-Americans citing discriminatory practices by the camp staff.

At one point, my fiancée and our other friend decided to go cool off in the water, and I volunteered to stay behind to watch our belongings. Not more than a few moments after they left, one of the red-shirted security guards, a rotund man-child who identified himself as “Mark,” approached me and demanded to see the contents of our cooler. When I asked what provoked his inquiry, Mark claimed that nearby guests had reported that we were drinking alcohol. This, of course, was absurd, but doing my part to avoid an unnecessary confrontation, I explained to Mark that whatever alcohol we brought had already been turned over to the elementary school students at the entrance, but he was welcome to look through our cooler if he was still skeptical. After Mark searched the cooler, and found nothing, I asked if he was satisfied. Mark then demanded to search the personal bags/purses of my lady friends. I thought this request was insulting and outrageous, and furthermore, I do not have the legal authority to permit entry into someone else’s personal property. I calmly explained this to Mark, but in a further attempt to cooperate, I told him that the ladies would be back in just a few short moments if he wanted to stick around and speak to them about the contents of their bags, but I would be unable to grant him that access. At this point, he told me I would be asked to leave the club if I did not comply. I once again espoused my position respectfully and diplomatically, and Mark said I would have to be escorted out. This entire exchange was particularly insulting and offensive to me because I was actually celebrating two years of sobriety this Memorial Day weekend.

At this point, it became clear that this was never about any erroneous, fabricated report about alcohol, Mark was simply on a power trip, looking to exercise his limited authority as a summer park Rent-A-Cop in order to get his jollies off. In fact, I even confronted Mark with this theory, suggesting that he had created a false narrative in order to harass and accost me, asking pointblank “so is this just a power trip for you?” Mark replied, “Yes, it is.” After a moment of somber contemplation (and perhaps on some level having been impressed by Mark finally telling the truth about something), I told Mark I would be happy to leave, but only after the ladies returned, as I was not comfortable leaving our personal items unattended, and I also had no way of contacting them to explain that I had been kicked out, as they did not bring their phones with them to the water. Mark was not satisfied with this reasonable request, and demanded that I leave immediately. I informed Mark that if any of our personal items went missing as a result of my leaving them behind unattended, I would be holding Beaver Dam Swim Club responsible for any losses, and that I would be consulting my legal counsel to discuss my options concerning this blatant harassment. Mark then scoffed, “you’re the third person today threatening us with lawyers,” indicating that we were clearly not the only individuals that day targeted by this low-rent hustle/scam.

While being walked to the front entrance by the bulbous brute, I ran into my fiancée and our friend, who were now walking back from their swim. I explained that I was being kicked out because I did not permit Mark entry into their personal items, and I would be waiting for them by the entrance. Along the way, Mark recruited a second Storm Trooper for additional backup on the walk, as our vibrations had become unpleasant due to escalated emotions. This second foot soldier at first refused to give me his name, as I attempted to politely introduce myself with a handshake (which was denied), but when I pressed again explaining that I was collecting information for my report to the press, he grumbled that his name was “Rene.” This was a clear lie, as he later gave my fiancée another fake name when she confronted him after the fact (more on that to come). I thought a fresh pair of ears could perhaps help restore some calm and sanity to this escalating situation, but when I tried to explain my position to ‘Rene,’ I was told that I was “getting in (his) personal space” (even though ‘Rene’ was clearly the physical aggressor moving closer to my area), and that I had an ‘attitude problem’ and needed to leave. I made a point to stop by the preschool on my way out to collect our confiscated beverages, at which point I explained to the infant ward that the rest of my party would be coming shortly to collect our full refund. I exchanged final farewells with Mark and ‘Rene’ at the exit, concluding a long journey together filled with bad noise, insults, and negative vibrations, at which point I waited outside of the camp entrance for the rest of my party to collect their things (and our refund) and leave this horrid place. By this point, the smell of insecurity and toxic masculinity was almost overwhelming.

Sometime afterwards, my fiancée and our third friend arrived in their vehicle to pick me up. They explained how they also had words with Mark and ‘Rene,’ the latter of whom gave them another fictitious name altogether when confronted, questioning the validity of Mark’s initial accusations. Mark, of course, had no reply, other than his now-signature scoff, a guttural grunt of sorts that expressed more clearly than any words could how empty and devoid of meaning or joy this man’s life was. His inability to come forward with any details to support proper justification for his actions also confirmed what I suspected, that his entire account was fraudulent. When my friend demanded to speak to the person in charge, assuming the child laborers in front of her were not, in fact, the final authority on this or any other issue, a timid, acne-addled teenager was pushed to the frontlines to deal with this situation. My friend began detailing everything that had transpired from the time of our arrival up until our exit, and just as the newborn’s eyes began rolling in the back of his soft, still-forming head from sheer confusion and fear, a clear adult finally emerged from behind the Wizard of Oz curtain, slammed money into my friend’s hand, and instructed her and my fiancée to “never come back here” (as if that was something we would ever consider regardless). It was only after we drove off to return home that we discovered that we were only issued a partial refund, $30 of the $45 we paid for entry. We contemplated returning for the additional $15 we were owed, but decided to cut our losses and instead take our story public. So, if there is a second takeaway from this story, know that Beaver Dam’s “No Refunds” policy is, in fact, nothing more than hot air, because they will concede to your demands if you press hard enough (this information, I imagine, will be particularly helpful for any customers, particularly Latino and/or African-American customers, who are likely to be victimized by this fraud in the future).

In conclusion, the Beaver Dam Swim Club is a scam operation that preys on their own paying customers, creating false, fabricated ‘reports’ to justify harassment and unlawful searching of personal property, who may or may not target minorities and people of color, and who may or may not employ underage children illegally without proper work permits. I feel it is my civic duty to inform the general public as to their shady, duplicitous business practices, corrupt ‘policing,’ and apparent disposition towards racial profiling, especially as the summer season is upon us and good, decent people are looking for places to enjoy their vacation days and weekends. I give the Beaver Dam Swim Club the strongest of all possible recommendations to avoid, and if negative stars were an option, they would most certainly have been earned.

Truly yours, The Ghost of Raoul Duke