You’ll Be Mine...forever And Almost Always

May you never find this blog. May you always hate me. Like I will always love you. This will be my secret.

[foreverandalmostalways]

Will a day come when I feel good enough?

Not too much

Not not enough

But Enough.

Not even better than that

Just a place where I can exist where I’m enough

I had it

I lost it

I accept it

But I still miss it

[foreverandalmostalways]

It’s nights like these when I wonder

Will the memory of you

Touching my skin

Caressing every part

Kissing every inch

Grabbing tightly to every piece

Hanging on like you were afraid to let go

Or so gentle I almost cried

The way you sweat on me

The way we didn’t care that the bed was on the floor

The way you seemed like you could never get enough

The way you worshiped my body

The feeling of true peace and ecstasy at once

Will I ever be able to think of anything else?

[foreverandalmostalways]

I’ve only ever known chaos.

Chaos in my house, chaos in my relationships, chaos in my brain. So much chaos in my brain.

Is that why I only feel calm during a storm?

Is that why I chase them?

But finally, a moment of peace in this storm.

[foreverandalmostalways]

If you’re here, thank you. If you’re not, then at least I will release this into the void.

The last year I have worked deeply on myself. I found the right medication, I went to intensive outpatient therapy, I fell in love with my job, I started building my community and most importantly, I started accepting and trying to love myself. I have always felt so insecure (for all the damn reasons), but partly because gender has been such a stupid thing for me. I am starting the process of coming out as non-binary/genderfluid/whateverthefuck to those around me (they/she- both are cool, I like a mix). That is going to include my family, which I know will likely mean my dad will disown me more than he already has.

But most importantly, I’m divorcing Christian. I shouldn’t have been with him in the first place. I ran to him to escape the feelings you gave me. I ran to someone who had general same interests, seemed nice and my dad would like. I’ve regretted it since the day it happened, and I’m finally about to make it right.

I am talking to two divorce attorneys’ right now to decide who to go with. He hasn’t worked at all really, and I’ve worked full time for 7 years through 5 spine surgeries and I don’t want him taking everything.

But I’m excited to be me. For the first time, the FIRST time since I was with you, I’m happy. Like genuinely happy. I don’t want to be dead. I kinda like being alive. I kinda like being me. I’m ready to be my full self, whether I have the support system I’ve faked into or not. I can’t mask and hide anymore, in all the ways.

I’m blabbering and none of this is in orders but I don’t think you’ll ever read it, and no one else knows this exists, so who cares?

Every inkling of a crush I have, every spark of attraction, the person is just a ghost of you. The physical looks, the personality, the inherent squishiness and softness I so desperately miss. Oh Gods do I miss you. And I don’t let myself admit that anymore. But I do, so much it hurts.

I’ve never been a super cheesy ass person until you. You are the one person I believe is my soulmate in every universe, every reality, even if it’s not romantic. You get me to my soul so deeply that it aches to not be with you. The moment your eyes met mine and you smiled in Fairfax, I knew you would be special no matter what. No matter how short a time you were in my life, somehow my soul recognized yours. I don’t know how, but it did.

You probably don’t feel the same, And that’s totally fine. But in my heart, I know you are my person, one way or another.

I would love a chance to restart with you, but I know that’s less likely than winning the lottery (including now). But I had to say it all, even just to finally admit that I want you. I want to build a whole ass life with you. Tell you every secret, keep absolutely nothing and let myself fall the way I should have years ago.

But above all, I hope you’re happy. If you’ve read this far, please be happy.

[xanaxfarts]

Arches National Park, Utah photo: Elliot McGucken

[moonfedmouth]

[foreverandalmostalways]

I have a co worker who is so like you. In so many ways. I hope you are happy, where ever you are. If you find this, I hope you are so, so happy.

[bee-fox]

I think that it's really important for people to realize that being disabled is traumatic. genuinely. your body and brain feel like they are breaking down and wrong. you are in constant heavy stress from stuff like chronic pain. most disabled people i know have a somewhat regular emotional break down from the trauma of it all. and we are expected to just smile through it by society, to not be in the way, to not be an issue.

[foreverandalmostalways]

I see you blocked me. Probably the best thing for you. I hope if you ever see this message, that you’re happy.

[statementlou]

✨megamix🌟forever✨

[foreverandalmostalways]

Things I Still Can’t

I still can’t read the book you bought me for Christmas

I still can’t get rid of your pajama pants

I still can’t get your smile out of my head

I still can’t forget the feel of your lips on mine

I still can’t forget the way you felt on top of me

I still can’t not think of you when I hear love songs

I still can’t not think of you when I watch LOTR

I still can’t help but check your tumblr to make sure you’re okay

I still can’t not be in love with you

[foreverandalmostalways]

[absentlyabbie]

choose your minor miracle of convenience

mug of preferred beverage that refills as soon as it's empty

toilet paper roll never less than half full no matter how much you use

laundry that immediately appears organized and folded to your liking when clean

pen with ink in whatever color you want when you want it that never runs out

bed is always the perfect and most comfortable temperature when under the covers

plate that keeps your food hot/fresh until you finish it however long it takes

brush/comb that leaves hair freshly clean/conditioned

headphones always the perfect volume you need, even silent

vegetable drawer in fridge that stops unused veggies/fruit from going bad

candle that always makes the room whatever scent you want when lit (even none)

Voting ended onApr 30, 2024

no multi option, agonize and choose, no results option, pick one to find out or scroll onward

[absentlyabbie]

the number of y'all in the notes mentioning how good the choices are/how hard it is to choose got me preening like "i am going to get a good grade in neurodivergent/disabled, a thing that is both normal to want and possible to achieve 😌"

[daily-spooky]

[starsofatlantis]

treech in a drumming noise inside my head

[banrionceallach]

You know, that Mythbusters post legitimately changed my life. Before seeing it, I had exponentially more guilt and stress about not being able to sleep, which of course, further exacerbated my inability to sleep.

Now, every time I wake up about three am, knowing I have to get up at 6.45, instead of stressing and panicking about how my day is going to be sleep deprived and miserable, I just tell myself 'Time to activate Mythbusters Protocol' and lie there with my eyes closed safe in the knowledge that I am measurably reducing later feelings of exhaustion.

And when this happens, about 70% of the time the reduction of guilt and stress means I actually do fall back asleep, so all in all instead of getting only three or four hours sleep, I get five to six and a half.

Which y'know, major improvement in health and energy.

[catgirlthecrazy]

On a related note, that post also opened up the world of naps for me. I used to think that napping was mostly pointless for me, because I'm pretty much incapable of falling fully asleep in the middle of the day. But when I redefined naps to include "lying down with my eyes shut for an hour," even if I just spent the whole time brainstorming fanfiction, that was often enough to get me from "exhausted and running on 4 hours of sleep" to energized and refreshed

[fearthefuzzybear]

oh uh. scuse me. just a lil snail crossing your dash

[alex51324]

I love how certain I am that I’m not the only person who stopped scrolling to let the snail finish crossing the dash.  

In fact, I would bet small sums of money that the majority of Tumblr folk do.    

[teatops]

Rb for the lil hops it does at the end before it finishes crossing 🥺💓

[foreverandalmostalways]

Did I ever tell you you’re the perfect romantic partner?

Because you are, to me. Like, I was asked about my perfect “book boyfriend” and all I could think about was you. Because you’re that to me. You’re the perfect person who can’t really exist. Because someone as perfect as you could never love someone like me.

I’m sorry for posting this, but I needed you to know. I know how hard you can be on yourself, but I want you to know there is a living, breathing, incredibly in love person with you. Just you. Completely, and utterly, you.