Bucky looked down at his hands. The contrast. Vibranium and flesh. The darkness in his light. The clock on the wall seemed to tick slowly, as if the world came to some winding halt as he endured his therapy sessions.
“You need to talk.”
He knew that. He also knew that he was being particularly difficult. Talking would help, everyone told him that. A party that understood battle, war, and PTSD. But none of the soldiers knew this sort of pain. All the things that swam to the surface every night.
“Okay, let’s start with this. What did you dream about last night?”
Apprehension seized him. Bucky didn’t like talking about his dreams. He refused to call them nightmares. The nightmare was the real moment in time. The actual event that he lived through, and inflicted on others. He was never really alone when he did it either. Handlers followed in his tracks. Every weapon he’d need. But they also didn’t stop the other things. The times he remembered last night.
“I…” his chest heaved.
“What? This is safe, and you need to talk about it. If you don't, I have to report that.”
“Okay, doc, calm down.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down, and don’t try to distract me with your passive aggression. You’re going back into the world full force. Yeah you saved alot of people, but you also did so violently.”
He adjusted his gloves, and glanced to his right.
“It’s a violent world, Doc.”
“You don’t think I don’t know that? Talk, or I tell them you need more sessions. Sessions until you talk.”
Rolling his tongue over his cheek, he turned to look the therapist dead in the eye.
“My times as the winter soldier wasn’t just about assassinations and retreaval. When I was released, I was controlled by the one who asked for me. Once I did what I needed to do, sometimes I was kept. And last night I remembered one woman who kept me for a week. The only solace I have is that she was killed for abusing her power within the ranks.”
She clicked the pen, and Bucky glanced back down, flashes. Quick lightning strikes in his mind.
“She took me to the Hellfire Club, and I was used as entertainment. I was shackled to the wall, naked, and I was that night's entertainment. For a full week. When I started to break out of the conditioning, she refreshed the code that brought me back to her control. When that happened, I was like me,” he hesitated, a lump in his throat. He could feel it, the tear that slid down his cheek. “I was trapped, watching through the lens of my eyes. I was alive and breathing inside, unbreakable glass minds as I was assaulted, beaten, and people did what they wanted to, to the infamous Winter Soldier.” His throat constricted on the last word, and he nodded.
“Is that what you wanted, Doc.” He closed his eyes, and when he looked up finally, she had a blank expression on her face.
“Why are you holding this in? This is far more than any of us anticipated.”
The smile grew on his lips that didn’t quite reach his eyes. Crystal blues that reflected his haunted past.
“What are you going to do? What am I going to do? The only way I cope is because I watched HYDRA come in to get me, and they slaughtered the room. It was then I realized there was no loyalty within the ranks, and at any time, I could leave if I could. So I did. The moment I had the chance, and remembered I could go, I went.”
Her brows furrowed.
Bucky’s smile faded, slowly, fading from his cheeks, the forced expression gone.
“I won’t go back to them, not ever. I will have to be taken by force, and then I’ll break every rule.”
