The relationship you build with yourself changes everything

[fortheartsofnone]

I miss you so much kid

all your friends have my number now and I can’t help but laugh a little because during life you would have flipped about your guy friends getting my number lol

They miss you so much too..

You’re so loved

[fortheartsofnone]

It’s strange how quickly death can change you..

I don’t remember who I was before my step brother died when I was 14 but I remember who I was after.

Now I’m 35 and my biological brother died a week ago today and all I know is that it’s changed me.

Prior to this, I was moving in a direction to care less about frivolous meaningless things. I found that journey to be long and complicated..

Then suddenly without warning, I feel like I was ripped from the middle of that journey and placed at the finish line with no memory of how I got here. With nothing but an ache.. like that intense day 2 pain you feel when you don’t realize what you put your body through just days before..

I sit here now, completely changed, wanting to free myself of everything that’s ever held me down and just run..

just run anywhere, just leave..

Just stand in places I’ve never stood before

I don’t want things.. I just want space… freedom

I never saw that coming

[fortheartsofnone]

It’s been a very hard week and I’ve had my moments of weakness but I will not let this lead me back into toxic arms of any kind

The anger I have for this girl and her family being so nasty about this is unreal

they offered to wash his clothes and box them for us…

like he doesn’t have multiple vehicles and other things on that property..

these fucking narcissistic psychopaths

they will pay, one way or another

but it will not destroy me

fuck them

[fortheartsofnone]

It’s weird when people tell you not to dwell in it

like it didn’t happen last weekend

like it’s a choice or something

[fortheartsofnone]

My family has asked that I write his obituary..

somehow I’m realizing that this is the most important thing I will ever write and now I can’t find words

universe help me find the words that honor him enough

[fortheartsofnone]

I will endure a lifetime of missing you for the privilege of loving you

Thank you for every second 💕

[fortheartsofnone]

I just want to live a life worth knowing you.

Your life inspired me and I always thought I wanted this solitude..

but seeing how much so many people loved you

now I just want friends

I want to meet someone

and I want to go to Vermont

So.. I will do all of that

[fortheartsofnone]

When does it start to feel real

Is that what they mean by time will heal

How can such a bright light be put out

A life too big to live without

How can the world just keep moving on

Nothings working, everything’s wrong

It’s not supposed to be this way

You aren’t supposed to go away

Your voice and laughter filled the room

No! It’s not supposed to happen this soon

I need you back, I want you here

This was moms biggest fear

Nothing I do is numbing the pain

The rage inside me is insane

I need just anything, show me how to survive

How can I live after you have died?

[fortheartsofnone]

All I feel is sadness and rage..

I’m stable for a moment and then

I just break down again.

[fortheartsofnone]

How the fuck does one claim they weren’t drinking when not only are there Snapchats saved with time stamps showing you drinking, but also alcohol in your system when they ran a blood test at the hospital..

Then you claim my brother grabbed the wheel.. which the cops stated didn’t match up with how the scene looked.

You know what I think.. I think he finally had enough of your shit and told you he was done and you freaked the fuck out and pulled the wheel.

That’s what I think because we all knew he wasn’t happy with you and that you were insane.. he told us.

Thank god for technology and the cops on the scene who didn’t believe a word she said and charged her with a felony DUI.

[fortheartsofnone]

My family turned to God

I saged myself, my home, his card, his plant..

neither act was incorrect..

This is just how we all move forward

[fortheartsofnone]

It’s wild how grief is that last straw that made me want to just get rid of everything. My brother was so free and I’ve spent my life with useless stuff. Just throw it all away. I don’t fucking want it anymore.

[fortheartsofnone]

It’s a Thursday for everyone else

but today’s my brothers autopsy

so I don’t really know how to have a good morning under those conditions..

[fortheartsofnone]

I have no opinion on jeeps.. but he loved them. In honor of my little brother, This will be my next tattoo, to match his. Much smaller of course but the same.. flipping jeeps with friends was something he loved and somehow a piece of shit Hyundai killed him. Unbelievable, this kid lived through everything but that was what took him? A drunk toxic girlfriend behind the wheel of a piece of shit car… Make it make sense.

[fortheartsofnone]

Killing my brother in a car wreck you could have avoided by not drinking and driving is one thing

blaming him for the accident is another

The world is at war with this woman and I hope she understands that..

[fortheartsofnone]

It feels impossible to eat when I’m not forced to..

why is something so simple so difficult

the idea of eating makes me sick

[fortheartsofnone]

Now I have to remember you

for longer than I’ve known you