Fortitudinous

For Those Who Believe That They Can

[fortitudinous]

Unheard - Mental Health and Suicidal Thoughts

When you type into google "Would anyone care if I wasn't here anymore" the top search engine result is the Samariatians. You might wonder why I know that... but if you are wondering, you are not listening. I am exhausted. Mentally struggling. Emotionally wrung out and physically a wreak. My skin tone right now would be described as sallow. The bags under my eyes numerous from lack of sleep. Various aliments leave me in physical pain and discomfort. I look like shite, I feel like shite.

This isn't my first rodeo with struggling with my mental wellbeing and it's probably a good thing - because otherwise I probably wouldn't recognise the suicidal thoughts for what they are and what they mean. I wouldn't be practiced in initiating every coping strategy at my disposal to not go down that road. But for the first time in over a decade I have begun struggling with wanting to self harm. There I said it out loud. I would like to say in making that particular confession that I haven't acted on those thoughts... but the truth is there's been a couple of occasions in recent weeks when I have been so overwhelmed with anger that I have bitten my hand leaving teeth indentations and bruises. It has prevented me from curling up in a ball and screaming uncontrollably but it is a sign of how much pain I am in, that physical pain is needed to drown it out.

How have I got to this place? The short version is CoVid, my business blowing up because of CoVid and accompanying financial worries, two years without having a break from being Mum of two disabled kids, one of which had a seizure in January 2021 and explosive onset of Tourettes leading to having to pull them out of school in the middle of their GCSE assessments, balancing work with the effort need to navigate all the agencies involved because of my kids disabilities, trying to work whilst home schooling and navigating lockdown with two disabled kids, losing all of the support (such as respite) that was in place, building work not being finished and the realisation that our family are isolated, and without community. Mix in my Mum having a masectomy mid LD3, being wrongly accused of causing a car accident that didn't happen (it was dropped but meant I lived for three months with a police investigation hanging over my head) and a breast cancer scare of my own... and it's been a constant malestrom of things to overcome. I am lucky I have saint for a husband, but my steady rock, who is NOT prone to mental health problems is suffering too. If there were a warning system for a family in trouble we would have all the hazard lights blinking red.

I haven't pretended that we are okay. Both me and my husband are definitely suffering from parental burnout. I have asked for help, being open about how much we are struggling. I have spoken to our TAC officer assigned to our family from social services explaining how much we are struggling. I have reached out to a carers charity. Heck I even rang the samaritarians up one morning at 3am when things were really bad... only to be interrupted by my son freaking out. In July my son's therapist told me he was worried about me, and suggested we need to take time out. When? How?

Failed attempts to help

In August my brother was going to take the kids out for one day to give us a break, and later in the same week my parents were also going to take the kids out for the day. On the day my brother took my kids to Thorpe Park my husband and I spent a glorious six hours kid free. We mooched around a gallery, had afternoon tea on the terrace over looking the sea, soaking up the sun and breathing in the peace and quiet. It was glorious. But my brother came back from Thorpe Park earlier than planned because my daughter had a headache. That night at 1am in the morning I ended up in A&E with my daughter who had caught CoVid. The next day with the whole family taking lateral flow tests and my brother in law testing positive, we packed up our stuff, drove 5 hours home without stopping and lived with CoVid in our home for ten days. Not an easy thing to do with a germaphobic son. So much for our restorative time out.

In September I posted on FB asking for help. Only one person responded with an offer of help... and then kept cancelling on us. We were members of a community church for over 20 years. My husband and I met in church, married in church, had both our kids in church. All our big life events as adults took place in the context of that church. In June 2019 I made the decision to leave the church over doctrinal differences. My church pastor asked me if I was leaving the church or leaving the community. I said I was leaving the church and was told to "remember that." My husband and kids are still, to all intents and purposes, members of the church. Two weeks before Lockdown 1 my daughter was baptised by the church in a local swimming pool. But we haven't heard from our "community" for 18 months. No one has checked in on us since Lockdown 1. Not our pastor, not the elders of the church, nor the majority of our "friends." We are ghosts. We are on our own.

Since the FB post I've spoken to my brother who offered to come and visit for the weekend, giving my husband and I an opportunity to spend a day at a spa and book a night away in a hotel. Our first night away from the kids since 2019. It was all booked and sorted but then my brother, for good reasons, rang last week to say he couldn't do it. We've sorted it but rather than it being 'easy' - there's a lot of faffing around involved. The end of November can't come soon enough.

Would anyone care if I wasn't here?

And so that invasive thought has begun to get louder. Whirling around my inner dialogue multiple times a day. I see it for what it is, but as exhausted as I am, sometimes it is easier to leave it swirling than take the steps needed to bat it away. Last week it become more invasive, more insistent taking up my cognitive energy, vigorously robbing me of peace and calm. And so I decided to do the opposite of what I was feeling I could cope with. I invited everyone I knew to an open house to reunite, reconnect and hang out. No agenda, just friends coming together. Over eighty people were invited directly by me and an open invitation was posted on FB and our streets Whatsapp. But last night, after an hour, no one had showed up and I lay down on my bed and sobbed.

You see, I had told myself my feeling of isolation was all in my head because I was feeling vulnerable and tired. My perspective, like my mental health is squiffy. People did care, I have friends, lots of friends, I just needed to reach out and not allow my feelings of isolation lead to behaviours that isolated me from others.

Eventually four people turned up. But not a single one of my neighbours came. Nor did anyone else from our extensive community that we had been part of for two decades. Our open house invitation is open for two more Saturday evenings, so perhaps more people will turn up next week. But, given my currently destructive thought patterns the feeling of isolation that has been plaguing me for months is viseral and toxic. This morning I woke up with heart palpitations as the anxiety begins to morph into physical symptoms of panic.

We didn't know anything was wrong

There are too many social media posts appearing on streams from friends or family of people who have committed suicide. The posts invariably say something about people not realising anything was wrong. They also say something along the lines of make sure you ask for help. Well, I have been asking for help for most of 2021. I even plainly said in my September FB post "I need practical help not platitudes" to which someone commented; "you are so strong." FFS.

Since April I have openly been saying, when asked how I am doing, that I am struggling with my mental wellbeing, that I am tired, exhausted, feeling vulnerable... and since September, I have been saying that I am feeling isolated. Two months ago I emailed our TAC officer that I was beginning to have thoughts about self harming. So either people aren't hearing me or they are not listening to what I am saying.

Over to you I can talk about this stuff because I really don't care if you think I am a basket case. I am still functioning. I am still smashing it at work and I know I will navigate "this" with or without help from my absent friends and neighbours. But the reason for this post is because if this is happening to me - Mrs So Transparent I am like Cellophane, then there is a huge problem happening. Everyone, including YOU needs to wake up and smell the roses. I want you to really think about your friends, your family, colleagues and neighbours. To what extent are their cries for help remaining unheard? We need to stop giving platitudes and lip service to "being there" for others. We need to see, really see, those who need help and well, fucking well BE THERE giving real help when and wherever it is needed. Who needs your help? Pick up the phone. Drop round their house. Send them a message. Do it NOW. Don't wait until the unheard become another suicide.

[fortitudinous]

Clarifying Next Moves During a Pandemic

During a crisis it is important to consider What Now?  What Next? And What After?  As a Manager there does need to be clarity about SMART objectives, what must be done now and key priorities.  However, at the same time, there needs to be a higher level of thinking to help your people understand the direction of travel.  It’s the difference between individuals having clarity about the destination versus booking the ticket for travel.  No one can understand what tasks need to be done, or how to execute those tasks effectively if they don’t know the destination.  Imagine telling someone that they have to book a ticket but not telling them where you are going, when or for how long.  It doesn’t work.

What Now?

In a crisis this clarity becomes more important, because when the proverbial is hitting the fan and a response is required to determine what do we do now in the midst of dodging bullets the clarity is hard to address when a situation is moving fast and the answer to many questions is “I don’t know.”  It is in the middle of chaos you have to stop and take stock.  It is an equipment check before starting out on a hike.  Have you got the essentials and are your prepared for likely outcomes?  But even if you don’t know what you will encounter on the journey, the destination needs to be set regardless if the only destination that can be give is the next waypoint, where you will take stock of the situation.

What Next?

Once you have dealt with the immediate crisis, and people are moving forward, the next question that needs to address is What Next?  The CoVid-19 pandemic has shifted the ground upon which all your strategic assumptions were made.  It’s time to survey the ground.   It is unlikely that a lack of information is a problem – it is more likely that too much information is bombarding your senses. Stop!  Breathe!  Consult! Think in terms of immediate, short-term and medium-term operational issues that need to be addressed.  Have clarity about the assumptions you are making and hold them loosely.  Once you have determined what the next course of action should be, communicate it AND the assumptions you have made.  It means that as new information becomes available your assumptions can be tested and an adjustment to a course of action made.

What After?

This is a more lengthy exercise and addresses strategic level thinking beyond the operational day to day.  There are lot of unknowns, so it is important to consider a variety of strategic and contingency plans that can be feasibly executed as more information becomes available and prepare to evolve.  Agility needs to be deliberately built in to ensure that the organisation can change course quickly.

If I can offer one piece of advice for managers who are suffering from sleepless nights about what may come to pass with the dire warnings about the future of the world economy it is to remember that it is only when your nose is right up against the wall that you can turn your head to the side and see the chink of light that enables you to pass through.  You just have to be brave enough to look for it.

[fortitudinous]

What Now? What Next? What After?

We are now entering Week 3 of the Lockdown in the UK, and I get the sense that the initial novelty of working out how the heck to work from home, and managing teams remotely is now wearing off.  Instead there is the dawning realisation that this is it... for however long it lasts.  I listen to commentators saying “this can’t go on, people won’t put up with it” but the truth is, it will go on and it must until CoVid-19 is under some sort of control.  The battle won’t be won, but the immediate danger will have to pass before we can emerge from lockdown.  Then and only then can we begin to survey the damage. But in the meantime, as organisational leaders we have a responsibility to examine three key questions - What Now?  What Next? and What After?

Three key principles underlie each of these questions:  

Relationship - the most important thing we can do for NOW is to make sure we concentrate on relationship.  Not just staying connected with friends and family, but also with clients, colleagues and our network.

Resources - the NEXT thing we can do is consider what resources we as individuals, our group or team or our organisation has to offer, and what resources we need to source that we need now, next and after.

Information - we are being bombarded with information, so in order to prepare for AFTER, whenever that is, we need to filter out the rubbish and focus on the credible and reliable information that will be useful.

I CAN OWN

When we consider  What Now? We have to think about what are the things we can take ownership of.  In simple terms, homeworking, we must make sure we act in ways that are good for our wellbeing - this means have a schedule, getting up and getting dressed, eating well and going for our daily allowable exercise.  Make sure you set up a dedicated home workstation which you can walk away from at the end of the day and where possible somewhere with lots of natural light, and access to fresh air.  From an organisational perspective we need to think about how to repurpose and pivot our strategy and activity.  The strategy for 2020 is redundant.  Whether you are still in business or not.  What can your organisation DO given the restrictions.  Doesn’t matter what your business, you need to let go of what you know, and think about what you CAN do.  Pivot your strategy to change your mode of delivery or repurpose to do something else entirely. I CAN INFLUENCE

Some things aren’t in your purview, but they are something you can influence.  If you have lost clients or customers, consider how you retain your connection and relationship with them.  Revise how you will use your organisational resources - I’m self employed and I have had to reset my mindset to move away from “my practice is ten years old” to “I’m starting a new business” - It involves dusting off strategies that I haven’t needed for years. 

As an individual and organisation use this time to develop and grow - whether it is new skills and knoweldge or positioning yourself to strengthen your platform as an expert in your field.  Focus on using this period to grow into something rather than diminish through a survival mindset. I CAN DO F**K ALL ABOUT

The proverbial has hit the fan in a way that we have never experienced in our life time.  You can do F’all about CoVid-19, you can do F’All about when and how the lockdown ends (unless you work in government) and you can do F’All about the economic winter that is coming.  Focusing on what you can’t control is just a waste of energy.  Filter out any information that you can do F’All about.  Tigers in Bronx with CoVid-19?  I can do F’All about that.  13 million Americans unemployed?  I can do F’All about that. You get the drift.  There is no point becoming well informed about stuff you can do nothing about.  If you can’t move it into the INFLUENCE or OWN zone, filter it under “ICDFAA” and leave it to gather dust.

[fortitudinous]

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

I admit it, I’ve finally given up being polite to people.  I now flat out call people liars when they are lying.  When you lie, you are making stuff up.  It’s not an opinion.  It’s a lie. Donald Trump Lies and I cannot for the life of me understand why people think that this is acceptable in public life.  What does it say about society that we have given up on truth.  Sure, politicians always have lied, but in the past when a public figure got caught out, in a bare faced deception they would be forced to confront their disinformation, and publicly shamed.

My son, who is 13 years old, asked me the other day “Why do all these people feel the need to lie all the time.”  My THIRTEEN year old, who has been bought up with the one strict rule in our house.  Be Honest.  Honesty is THE most important thing in our house.  I never told my kids that Santa was real (its a story), they know I give them money when their teeth fall out (we negotiate terms) and when my kids ask me those embarrassing biological questions I tell them the truth, even when it requires me to stand naked in the bathroom as my daughter points to my bits asking what they are and why I have them (ground swallow me up). If the kids mess up, or make a mistake they get in far less trouble than if I find out they lied about. 

In a time of universal deceit - telling the truth is a revolutionary act. So if my kids know that lying is wrong what has happened to society?  Regardless of your politics how can people stand to listen to THE PRESIDENT of THE UNITED STATES bare face lie.  About EVERYTHING.  This is supposedly the position that once (and sadly not anymore) was the leader of the free world.  Now UN members laugh at him OUT LOUD.  Everyone knows he is phony, even his supporters - although they say it’s just ‘for fun’

But lies are not fun when they promote fear.  They aren’t fun when they endanger the lives of other people. They are not fun when the Whitehouse starts feeding the fans of conspiracy and lying in press conferences and official memorandum because the truth is inconvenient or doesn’t support the story they want to tell.  We all laughed at Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf the Iraqi Information Minister, better known as Bagdad Bob, when he stated "They're not even [within] 100 miles [of Baghdad]. They are not in any place. They hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion ... they are trying to sell to the others an illusion." after the invasion which toppled Saddam.  Bush was rightly condemned for his mission accomplished speech for claiming victory for a war that 15 years later is still not won.

What happened to truth being a paragon of virtue?  Why is lying now okay?

I am getting fed up of the nutty conspiracy theories which are just lies spreading across the internet and popping up on my FB feed.  I have seen too many posts from anti-vaxxers, which when challenged to produce evidence for their debunked claims post a load of research papers.  I dare you to read them.  I did the other day - all three papers were (1) poor science, for example one paper researched 5 individuals who had received vaccines and were diagnosed autism and discovered that they had high levels of aluminum in their brain leading to the conclusion that vaccines cause autism because there is aluminum in vaccines and in these five brains.  They weren’t compared with non-autistic brains.  The sample isn’t random, nor is it large enough to be significant.  Also (2) The writers of all three papers declared a conflict of interest and further investigation revealed that all the writers were forced to retract papers and were facing litigation for fraud based on biological/vaccine conspiracy theories. 

The guy who started all the vaccine linked to austim “Dr” Whittaker was stripped of his license to practice medicine for among other things abusing children by subjecting them to unnecessary and harmful procedures without the necessary ethical consent.  He now ‘practices’ in the US and still fraudulently uses the moniker Doctor.  If he did what he is doing in the US over in the UK, he would be jailed for fraud.  In the meantime, perfectly preventable diseases are making a return, and people are dying of measles, mumps and rubella.  Anyone who promotes anti-vax conspiracy theories are spreading dangerous lies and are complicit in the murder of un-vaccinated indivdiuals who dies of preventable diseases. That is fact.

I am so angry right now.  I am angry that people have stopped caring about honesty.  I am angry that it is now okay for public figures to lie.  I am angry about all the conspiracy theories being peddled as fact which are patently UNTRUE and also dangerous. 

Sometimes the truth is inconvenient.  Sometimes the truth hurts.  Sometimes the truth means that you have to confess to making a mistake which is embarrassing and difficult to do, it might even get you into trouble.  But you know what.  Truth ALWAYS sets you free from fear. Being truthful means that you can look yourself in the mirror and be confident that what is looking back at your is YOU.  Truth means you don’t have to worry about being caught out, or lies catching up with you.  Truth means you can sleep at night with a clear conscience.  Truth means that you don’t have to be something that you are not, just yourself. 

Ghandi once said “Even if you are minority of one.  The truth is the truth.”  With the majority seeming to take joy in lying, I’m going be the minority, and if you are lying, I will call you out on it.

[fortitudinous]

Let Girls be Girls and Boys be Boys

I recently found myself in a twitter spat over the decision by the American Boy Scouts organisation to allow girls to join.  A lot was said but I was basically accused of being anti-female only groups (and by association anti-female), not giving guiding a chance and spoiling and pandering to my daughter before my accuser blocked me. The spat started with me tweeting to say that my daughter was a member of the cub scout movement in the UK and that she loved the outdoor adventures.  I tried in 140 characters to explain that her experience of guiding (2 years in Rainbows) was on painting jam jars and baking.  Whereas in cubs the activities since September include two nights camping/its a knockout at Chirk Castle, a trip to Drayton Manor, several weeks doing athletics, a trip to the fire station, a sleepover at Birmingham science museum, and this week an evening spent running around the woods treasure hunting.  Before the end of year there is already planned a sleepover in the Odeon cinema, bowling and a trip to London.  I honestly can’t keep up.

I haven’t got a problem with guiding at all.  I was a brownie myself back in the day, but that was before you were allowed to be a cub and I was never one who enjoyed needlework and baking bread.  My son is a Scout and has had the most amazing experiences and grown as a young man.  But I signed my daughter up for Rainbows so she would have her own thing.  But it honestly didn’t float her boat.  She was often reluctant to go, but stuck at it until she was old enough to join the Beavers at 6 years old.  She never whinges about cub scouts.  Never.  If you had seen her returning from the evening running around the woods avoiding being captured by the Gruffalo you would know the sheer joy she experiences being part of the group. Cubs versus Guides

But the spat has got me thinking.  Scouting in the UK have accepted girls for years.  Guides is still girls only but has recently announced that they will accept transgender boys who identify as a girls.  One of the comments on twitter was querying why girls should be allowed to join a male dominated group, but the truth is that my daughter’s cub pack is almost 50/50 girl/boy split.  They are not treated as girls and boys, they are treated as young people, their gender is irrelevant when taking part in activities - and yes before you ask in sleep overs girls are bunked separately from boys.

Having been challenged about not knowing about guiding I thought, okay, I don’t know much about brownies today, because, my daughter was happy in beavers and wanted to swim up to cubs.  If you look at the activity badges offered by brownies and those offered by the cubs they are fairly similar in theme.

But there are some differences that I find ‘interesting’ or rather ‘disturbing’  If you look at brownies they have a science investigator badge.  In cubs Scientist.  In brownies ‘star gazer,’ in cubs ‘astronomer’.   In brownies ‘cook’ in cubs ‘chef.’ This language difference is important especially when we consider the difficulty of getting women into STEM subjects and identifying themselves as scientists, engineers etc.  The same could also be argued for the number of female ‘cooks’ versus the number of male ‘chefs’ and the disparities this brings in regards to remuneration and recognition.   Furthermore, I encourage you to read the requirements for being awarded a science badge in both groups.  For example, Brownies are asked to explore five tastes by trying food and build a structure.  Cubs are asked to use PH indicators and explore density.  These differences are actually really important, when you consider which one fundamentally encourages the child to get interested in science and think scientifically.  Personally, I would prefer my daughter to take part in the cubs science badge award and I see more value in it, scientifically. Let Girls be Girls I’m not really sure why it is okay for the scouts to be open to young people regardless of sex, whereas girl guides have remained resolutely female.  But it has got me thinking about the need for same sex groups.  Let Boys be Boys and Girls be Girls is a very often repeated refrain.  But what does that actually mean?  it implies there is a fundamental difference between the sexes that should be encouraged.  I believe this continues the push of the ‘gender role’ construction in our society.  Firstly, what is that boys are allowed to do when girls aren’t there... and if they can’t do it when girls are there, should they be doing it?  Surely that is what encourages boys to think they are different/superior and drives misogynistic thinking?  And I’m not letting girl only groups get away with it either.  Sewing, cooking, craft generally perpetuated as female homemaking activities need to be shared too, smashing the matriarchy is as important as smashing the patriarchy. The gender stereotype and I will use the traditional (old fashioned) context of what scouting and guides originally represented, is that boys needed the freedom to roam and be wild in the woods whilst girls needed to be taught how to be good homemakers.  This is what people are saying when they say let boys be boys and girls be girls.  And that IS a problem.  It is fundamentally sexist.  I tweeted that I was supporting my daughters choices.  In reply I was told I was pandering to my daughter and she was spoilt, what I was really being told was that as a girl my daughter shouldn’t have an opinion and should do what she is told.  Think about that for a second.  Girls should be quiet and compliant.  Girls should NOT be running around in the woods, they should not be shooting, using axes, camping under the stars or getting their clothes muddy.  REALLY?  If that is not institutional sexism I don’t know what is.  I am so thankful that the Akela in my daughters cub pack DOES NOT think like that.

Same sex networks I’m a member of female directors network, and it is an important support network as women navigate senior leadership. But why is it needed?  In the UK there is the institute of directors.  Why isn’t the official professional body of directors enough?  Simply because the assumption is that Directors are male, so female directors need extra support because they are unusual.  And the reality of the situation is that female directors ARE unusual. My local church has both women’s groups and men’s breakfast clubs.  Until the twitter spat I didn’t consider these to be a bad thing, or a fundamental problem.  Surely its good that we get to spend time away from the pressures of the ‘other sex’ to focus on ‘same sex’ issues.  Ah... you see that’s where I get unstuck.  What challenges do we face as women, that men don’t face?  Or what challenges do men face that women don’t face.  Well if you are talking about supporting each other through pregnancy and childbirth, menstrual cycles or menopause sure, that’s a woman’s only problem - but wouldn’t it be better if we could also discuss these issues with men too, without it being TMI, or embarrassing, so they would understand how these affect the women in their life and how they can be supported.  As a women going through peri-menopause it would help if men and women were knowledgeable about it’s effects.  Or what about ‘men’s problems’ shouldn’t there be something about taking these things out of the closet and allowing people to talk about things regardless of sex?  That we can support each other and its not some dark mystery.

I don’t have an answer, and I am certainly not anti-same sex networks but the twitter spat has got me thinking that perhaps the reason why same sex networks are required is because sexism is still so prevalent and we need support from others who understand the challenges we face.  Women not being subject to sexist action/comments when exploring their development (such as in women directors networks) and men being free to explore their problems without being accused of being sexist. Whilst tension between the sexes exists and what it means to a be a man or a woman in our society is in transition perhaps we do need support from people going through the same thing. Conclusion My final thought is that perhaps we will celebrate the death knell of sexism when same sex networks are no longer required.

[fortitudinous]

Why Leaving the EU isn’t about the Economy

I read somewhere that the arguments about the EU aren’t about the facts but about emotions.  With a citizenship that is fed up of politicians and there is a growing sentiment of anti-establishment you can see why now probably isn’t the best time to be arguing for the UK remaining members of Europe. 

The Bank of England and the International Monetary Fund, and the UK government are all arguing that an Brexit would be bad for the economy.  The Leave campaign says poppycock.  As a voter and British Citizen I’d have to question whether it would make a huge amount of difference to what is happening for the general public.  Wage stagnation, Fat Cat Pay, Austerity Measures reducing public services, a crumbling NHS and a government seemingly at war with its own people with its attack on the majority in favour for the rich.  We’re IN Europe now and it doesn’t feel like its a good thing as far as the economy goes.  Certainly not when I boil it down to the state of my personal finances.  Yep, definitely feel poorer than I did a few years ago.

So why should we stay in Europe and why should we leave?  The crux of the Leave campaign seems to be about bureaucracy and control of our sovereignty.  Anti-Europe arguments that have raged for decades and, in many ways hark back to Empire.  It’s a softer version of Trumpism, but rotates around the “Make Britain Great” sentiment.  Europe is a pariah and taking our money, and stopping our self-determination as a nation.

There’s plenty of ‘facts’ that are for and against Europe boiling down to a question about how much we get out of Europe versus how much we put in - in a pound sterling sense.  Is Europe giving us a good return on investment?  The Cost/Benefit analysis.  The problem is that the facts are, like most government statistics, open to interpretation.  Different facts can be given for both sides of the campaign, and sometimes the same fact is used by both sides to make a different point.  It’s all very confusing and difficult to get to the truth.  I don’t know about you but the facts are very different from the truth when it comes to Europe.

What we can be certain of is that Europe is not perfect.  There is a lot wrong with it and for all the good it does there is no doubt that as in any relationship there’s stuff that we have to compromise on, and stuff that we lose out on.  A recent viral video called Reach across the Aisles sums up what I think Europe sets out to achieve, albeit imperfectly.  I mean lets be honest, 28 member countries, 508 million people and 24 official languages spoken it’s a wonder anything ever gets agreed.

And that’s the thing, the European Union is a wonder.  It’s a historic creation, with two world wars as it’s horrific backdrop, and is based on cooperation and a pursuit of peace, stability and prosperity for ALL of Europe.  You might wonder why I bring up it’s history.  But the purpose of the European Union is more important that warnings about our economy.  

Over 60 million people died in WW2.  Just think about that - there’s only 65 million people in the UK.  It’s equivalent to the entire population of the England, Northern Ireland and Wales being killed in a six year period.

I look at the struggles of the European members today, with increasing racial hatred, fear, terrorism and at this time difficulties in the economy.  The problems that modern European countries are facing aren’t really that different from the 1930s and the period of the Great Depression - and the sentiments being expressed by disgruntled citizens today are not that different either, except now it is the Muslims not the Jews in the line of fire.  We came through WW2 because of the Americans.  The UK stood alone for a long while during that conflict, and while we stood alone we were losing.  We’ve only finished paying off our war loans to America in 2006. 

I don’t want to vote for the Better Together Campaign because I think the economy will be worse if we leave.  I’m not sure if that is true or not.  I am not even sure we are ‘better off’ economically in Europe or out.  My gut says it’s probably much of a muchness.

No I want to stay in Europe because it is MORE stable than if we leave and it offers the only opportunity for peace - enforced by diplomacy.  Because where diplomacy ends war begins.  If you look at the increasing aggression from Russia would I want to be picked off as the UK or fight as part of Europe?  History it seems is repeating itself, and we want to go it alone?

I recently had the privilege of working in the Middle East, and I crossed the border from Jordan in to Israel.  The Schengen area is great and being able to pass through the borders of 28 countries using the EU citizens control points is also useful.  But seeing the distrust, the impact on the daily lives of the citizens - especially in the occupied areas, because of the failure of diplomacy makes me fearful of what could be in Europe if we leave.

The agreements coming out of Europe might be imperfect, the process slow and often frustrating but being part of an organisation which, however imperfectly, brings agreement between 500 million citizens and 28 countries will always been preferable to going it alone. 

It’s not really a sexy argument, and it doesn’t capture headlines.  But despite what is said on social media, compromise will always be preferable to annihilation.

[fortitudinous]

Calais ‘migrants’ aren’t hoards of Vikings

The Calais crisis is a crisis made by European Governments and warring tribes and Terrorists in the African sub-continent and the Middle East.  It is bigger the euro tunnel and inadequate fencing.  The symptoms of oppression and hope.

Why are the Migrants called Illegal?

Why do we call migrants who want a better life illegal? When did that become part of our lexicon.  Sure if they entered the UK without going through the proper channels and set up home and worked here without official documentation that would make them illegal, but the people who are in Calais aren’t in the UK.  They are potential migrants.  It could be argued the migrants in Calais are illegal in France.  In which case, why doesn’t the French Government arrest them? Process them? And where no case is given, ship them back to their country of origin?

Perhaps a better question is why do we call them migrants when they could be refugees? 

NIMBY Europeans

The simple answer is that no one wants these migrants/refugees.  If the French arrest them, then they become France’s problem, which they don’t want. If the British let them through the Tunnel they become a British problem and since the British electorate have got all touchy about migrants the British Government doesn’t want anything to do with them either.  My problem is, there is a problem that needs addressing.  Rather than spending millions on more security, more fences, dogs and parking lorries on MOD land, the Government (both French and British) need to face up to the problem.  The problem is there are several thousand people in Calais which are not going away unless you actually DO something with the people.

The Swarm

The rhetoric around the migrants in Calais is appalling, inhumane and dehumanising.  This isn’t about being a softy left leaning push over.  These are people.  What if this was your Mum, Dad, Brother, Sister?  The Swarm that Cameron described isn’t a hoard of Vikings set on rape and pillage.  They are desperate people, refugees from war torn countries.  Except it isn’t a war in the traditional sense, rather these refugees are escaping from terror torn countries 

Lets go back 70 years ago to the Second World War.  Displaced families, desperate people fleeing the Nazi war machine and persecution, vast migrations of people moving out of areas being torn apart by bombs and killing fields.  Where you could shot or killed just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Fast forward 70 years.  This Swarm of Migrants - are exactly the same, escaping from countries ravaged by war.  Just because its not on the TV every night doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.  Now these people might not be persecuted in the same way that Christians are being persecuted by ISIS or Jews were persecuted by the Nazi’s.  They may not be in a group that is likely to be killed or tortured just because of their faith or race.  But their community may have been destroyed and over run by warring factions, their house may have been ruined by a bomb or stray bullet, members of their family may have been killed or injured, their living may have been destroyed by fighting. 

The foreign office has evacuated thousands of British tourists from Tunisia because 38 people were killed on a beach and are advising against travel there.  Tunisia itself isn’t war torn.  It was a terrorist attack.  To put this into perspective, I think it is healthy for us to look at some facts:

21st January 2015 Baga Massacre - Boko Haram militants opened fire on northern Nigerian villages, leaving bodies scattered everywhere, reporting over 100 fatalities with as many as 2,000 people unaccounted for—feared dead

4th February 2015 - Boko Haram militants reportedly killed at least 91 people by shooting and burning, and injured over 500 in the Fotokol town of Cameroon. The militants also torched mosques and churches of the town.

20th March 2015 - Islamic State militants in Yemen carried out five suicide bombings at the Badr and al-Hashoosh Shia mosques during prayers in the city of Sana'a killing 137.

1st April 2015 - Six to ten gunmen associated with the Islamic terrorist group Al-Shabaab open fired at the Garissa University in Kenya. Christians were their main target of the attack, with the Islamic extremists separating the Muslims from Christians before executing them. Up to three hundred students are unaccounted for. One hundred and forty-seven students were reported killed, with fears the toll will rise, along with seventy-nine wounded. Four gunmen were killed by security forces.

13th May 2015 - A bus carrying Shia Muslims was attacked by six armed gunman who rode up in motorcycles. After the attack the bus driver drove straight to a hospital, where people said most of the riders were either dead, unconscious, and spattered in blood. 45 Dead, 13 Injured.

25 June 2015, fighters from the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant detonated three car bombs in Kobanî, Syria close to the Turkish border crossing. 146 were killed

17 July 2015 A car bomb was sent to a crowded market in Khan Bani Saad in Iraq, 30 km north to Baghdad, during the Eid al-Fitr celebrations. The explosion killed at least 100 (15 children among them) and injuring another 170 people and brought down several buildings. ISIL claimed responsibility and said 180 people were killed.

I have chosen just one incident, per month this year, from different countries.  These aren’t one off incidents, they are happening daily.  See here for a list of Terrorist Incidents.  I was shocked when I read it.

Would you stick around?  I certainly wouldn’t.  You want to know why a “swarm of migrants” is coming to Europe, because they are running for their lives, and they want, like all of us, to live somewhere safe and secure.  Where they can go about their business, sleep at night secure that no one is going to charge into their house with guns firing and live free from terror.  These aren’t migrants.  This mass migration of people is a flood of refugees. 

It tastes different when you say it as it is. 

Illegal Immigration out of control?

Many of the haters say that we are small island, we haven’t got room, we can’t afford to take these people in.  Since the Eurozone crisis has left many parts of the EU in the economic doldrums a large proportion of migrants we have in this country are economic migrants.... from Europe.  It’s one of the reasons the Conservatives have announced major cuts to in-work benefits and tax credits to new migrants in an attempt to reduce the numbers coming to the UK.

The number of migrants from the rest of the world has risen too.  But given the background, it’s an international crisis not just a British one.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3109385/How-Europe-taken-130-000-thousand-migrants-year.html

We are not the only country receiving refugees/migrants.  In fact our European neighbours (who by the way are worse off economically that us, just look at Greece!) are taking in boat loads... literally.

Figures released by the UN/Frontext in June 2015 show that

153,000 migrants crossed into Europe so far this year

149% increase from 2014

63,000  migrants reached Greece by sea

62,000 migrants reached Italy by sea

10,000 on Hungary/Serbia border in May

The exact figures might conflict but the picture is the same, there is a huge movement of people escaping into Europe, and its rising.  Now look at the figures.  There are 2,000 people in Calais.  It is tiny by comparison to our EU neighbours.

Britain needs to do her bit

I am ashamed at the response of the UK Government and those who argue that this crisis is just about people trying to steal our benefits.  This isn’t a Calais crisis, with a hoard of raiders, attempting to cross our borders in order to rape and pillage.  This is an international crisis where people are running for their lives.  Not only is the international response to ISIS, Boko Haram and other Terrorist groups woefully inadequate, but so to is our response to the migration of refugees caused by war.   We are all to ready to send £m in charity donations to countries that have suffered tragedy.  But now is the time to ‘open our borders’ to those in need, those running for their lives and seeking hope for a better future.  Britain should be a place of hope and safe harbour.  Its not going to destroy our economy, and research shows that migrants actually enhance our economic output.  So its a win:win.

But even if it were to make us a bit poorer than we are now, we should take in the stranger who is running from war and terror.  Who has lost everything and is looking to us for help. Why?  Because it is the human thing to do.  It is the British thing to do.

How to do it.

Technically part of the land near the Channel Tunnel is British Territory.  I believe that an appropriate response to a international human tragedy is for the UK Immigration service to set up a processing centre/refugee centre in Calais.  Provide shelter so the migrants can be looked after properly.  Talk to the Red Cross if you have to, but set up a refugee camp.  Because that’s what these people are.  Refugees not migrants.  They should be taken through a process to check their back stories, and any escapee War Lords should be arrested.  In the unlikely event that they are economic migrants ship them back to their country of origin.  The cost of a refugee camp has got to be cheaper than security, 'illegal’ migrants won’t be disappearing into the British countryside if they manage to get through the tunnel and genuine asylum seekers/refugees will get the help they need (and proper shelter, food etc whilst they await their claim being processed) It's got to be better than using military land to park lorries and trying to prevent people burning tyres in tunnels. 

Rather than acting like a NIMBY we should just suck it up and sort out the asylum claim processes so genuine asylum seekers and refugees, who are escaping from terror torn countries can get processed in four weeks and those who aren't get shipped back to their country of origin.  It's cost effective both on a financial and human level.

But most of all its a human response to a human crisis.                                   

[fortitudinous]

Gender, Race and Social Constructs

The whole Caitlyn Jenner story and the use of transgender actresses in Orange is the New Black has made gender big news.  I watched a video this morning of some woman papping on about Rachel Dolezal, who claims to be trans-racial, who said that gender is a social construct but race is biology and can’t be changed.  I have also been subjected to the current call for parents to not allow their children to be gender stereotyped. 

Now I’m an academic, so I know a little bit about social constructs, but I’m not a biologist.  I’m also heterosexual so cannot claim to have any understanding of what it ‘feels’ like to feel trans or homosexual.  I am also a Christian who believes in the word of God.  I have a brother who is homosexual who taught me that being gay is not a lifestyle choice.  And I support gay marriage.

My first problem is that I think calling gender a social construct is wrong.  You don’t choose (at birth at least) what gender you are.  It depends on your chromosomes.  At least that is what I was taught at school.  You either have XX if you are girl or XY if you are a boy.  Now I get that biology, nature if you like, throws some curve balls.  So some people who are female think they should be male, and some people who are male think they should be female.  That’s what makes them transgender. So for me gender is a biological spectrum of male to female and there is a whole lot of grey - with ‘feminine’ men and ‘masculine’ women.   But if an individual has female parts (uterus, fallopian tubes, vagina and mammary glands) they are biologically female and if they have testes and a penis, then biologically they are male.  That’s not a social construct, that is biology.

Like Rachel Dolezal making adjustments to ‘be’ black, gender can be changed, or reassigned.  Though the process is a lot more extreme and complicated that simply dyeing your hair or having a tan.  So if an individual needs to be the other gender, and I don’t know whether it is a biological or neurological need, what matters is that they NEED to be ‘other’ then I don’t see an issue with supporting those people with reassignment surgery and counselling.  But lets not pretend its a social construct.  Most of the ‘stories’ i have read or watched on transgender individuals is they felt that way from being very young, too young to understand sexuality.  Just that being girl or boy, as they were born, didn’t match their understanding of self.

Sexuality is and is not different.  For many people in the LGBT community, they just are what they are.  They grew up and fancied people of the same sex.  Its not complicated or devious.  Most parents and siblings of an individual coming out would say, on reflection, its obvious. Now I know the bible says homosexuality is a sin.  It actually says that.  No implications, no ‘reading into scripture.’  But God’s command is to love.  So although for me as a Christian, Homosexuality is a sin.  God still love everyone.  And the sin... well its no worse than me swearing (which I do) or getting angry (which I do) or the million other ‘sins’ I commit.  So I am no more holy than you, God loves me and God loves you.  In regards to Homosexuals being Christains, and gosh, priests, well that’s their walk with God, and its not my job to judge that relationship.  If I’m honest, I’m just glad it isn’t me having to work that one out.

But sexuality is also a social construct.  There are individuals who ‘choose’ to be gay.  Shock horror.  I know, I just caused the internet to break.  But its true.  In the past, Homosexuals chose to live in heterosexual relationships to conform to social norms.  Especially when it was illegal to be homosexual.  They didn’t stop being homosexual just because they were married to someone from the opposite sex.  So why would a heterosexual not be able to live as a homosexual?  Today, I would argue (and I’m pointing mainly to celebrities) that being ‘other’ than heterosexual is a way to garner controversy and headlines.  Is Miley Cyrus transsexual or just trying to be controversial with her current foray into being a-gender and insisting people stop using ‘her’ and use the trans pronoun of ‘they’ instead?  Madonna kissed Britney on stage, she’s definitely not homosexual.  Its become fashionable to be gay, so now everyone else jumping on the bandwagon.  The point I am making is some people choose the lifestyle, the same way others choose a set of curtains.

There’s a whole piece to be written on sexuality today, depending on who you believe somewhere between 1.5% and 10% of the population is gay.  but the only point I would make is, that it is no longer taboo, so the % is likely to go up.  That said t will still only represent a minority of the population.  But media coverage of LGBT ‘lifestyles’ would suggest that, EVERYONE is gay.  And perhaps to some degree we all since we are on that gender continuum sexuality isn’t black and white and sexual attraction isn’t straightforward.

To add to this pot of modern day gender politics is the idea of gender stereotyping.  As a mother of both a boy and a girl, I get to see the ‘pink’ and the ‘blue’ toy sections.  And boys toys are all about fighting and aggression and girls toys are all about nurturing and mothering.  But maybe that’s because, in the main, that’s what our gender draws us to.

I work in organisations, and there is a definite difference between male and female managers, in their approach to management and leadership.  And before you get all huffy - female leadership traits are more beneficial for organisaitonal performance.  The nurturing and collaborative style associated with the female gender work in ‘human’ interactions.  And what is an organisation but a myraid of human interactions.

I get some girls want to play with guns, and some boys want to play with dolls, and we shouldn’t stop them, or put up with bullying which makes them feel that they are doing something wrong.  My daughter bought her first doll home from her nanny’s house when she was a toddler.  it wasn’t that I objected to dolls, but we just didn’t see the point in buying any when we had some many baby toys in the house from my son.  But from that point on our house began to fill with pink girly things.  She has chosen her own clothes since she was old enough to make a choice, and her clothes are girl.  Her favourite colours are pink and purple.  We are in the midst of decorating the kids rooms.  My son has chosen Blue and Green wall colours, my daughter pink and purple.  They could have had any colour they wanted and that is what they chose.  I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking being nurturing or ‘girly’ is somehow wrong.  I want her to grow up a strong female.  I want her to be... her.  My son often gets mistaken for girl because he has grown his blond locks to shoulder length.  But he is confident enough in his masculinity to not worry about it.  But I don’t want him to think that being a boy, and like mud and worms and camping, and fire and sport is somehow wrong.  He’s sensitive and caring.  But I would be accused on stereotyping, when my kids have choice from as early as they could express an opinion.

I guess the point I am making is don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.  I am working mum, but I still ‘feel’ guilty being away from home.  Not because anyone makes me feel guilty, but because the core of my very being wants to be with my kids.  I am a woman, who wants to nurture.  I never thought I would be like that.  And when I was pregnant I thought I would carry on working on my career and my husband would be at home.  But once my son was born, I changed.  Biologically, I needed to be with my children. My mothering instinct was unleashed.  It is natural for (most) women to feel like that. Our organisations need to get with the programme and realise that for the majority of working mums they have a conflict between the desire to work and the desire to be mother.   Now that doesn’t mean we should insist on ALL women being mothers, because some, quite frankly don’t want kids and we shouldn’t be asking when are they going to, because not being a mother is a choice too.

I also think that diminishing the female means that we aren’t tackling some of the issues of being female.  Aside from supporting females in the workplace, female ‘problems’ are dismissed as something to joke about.  However, the indignity that I have suffered over the last 18 months because I am peri-menopausal is something that needs to be tackled.  I think of all those women who suffer from menstrual issues, teenagers from the age of 10 upwards to those in their 50s and don’t have them taken seriously.  Bleeding constantly for months on end, excruciating and debilitating cramps, fatigue and the physical side effects are all treated as something that you just have to live with.  Alongside this ‘put up and shut up’ attitude women face the indignity of having metal contraptions, which should be assigned to the medieval torture history books, inserted into their vagina, and swabs unceremoniously swept into their cervix or uterus, with no pain relief.  It is utterly barbaric, and suffered by tens of thousands of women.  Apparently, feeling woozy from the shock of having a coil fitted is ‘normal’ - so medical treatment that leaves the vast majority of its recipients in shock is considered to be okay in the modern world, because...?  And don’t even get me started on perforated uterus’ and bladders, and the fact that half of maternal mortality cases could have been avoided.

To conclude the key points I want to make is that gender is biological, so society needs to be tolerant of what that means, and that includes transgender toilets being made available in public places, and support for kids (and adults) who don’t identify with their ‘born’ gender.  Sexuality is also biological, so we need to accept who people are and stop with the condemnation.  But for those who are lying about who they are - and I do include Rachel Dolezal in this, but also those who are trying to jump on a bandwagon for ‘social’ reasons - Stop it, because you are not helping those who are working through their gender and sexual identities.  You are not normalising these identities you are introducing fakery, frippery and falsehood into a situation which is already socially complex.  And finally, lets celebrate female and male and what that means.  Because we need our males to be strong and protective, and we need our females to be strong and nurturing.  They are two sides of the same coin.  But each role has something different, yet equally important to offer society.

[fortitudinous]

Coffee Machine Fail

I recently bought a #TASSIMO machine for the office.  It had a promotion with purchase of £20 of vouchers to spend on product.  Except to get the vouchers you had to sign up to their website.  One step was to fill in the machine serial number... except the machine serial number on my machine wasn't the same format as the one the website wanted.... One week later Mondelēz International finally sort it out so I can sign up.  I order the product and take the machine into the office.  Except the machine is... well a bit crap.  The water well only holds enough for about two Mugs of coffee.  We also like larger Mugs but these don’t quite fit under the frankly flimsy plastic spout, so you have to tip the mugs to get them out.

The machine also is a little.. temperamental.  It doesn’t always work first time because the button to switch it on is another piece of flimsy plastic.  Quite frankly its all a bit naff.

But what has really got up my nostrils is their approach to the so called welcome vouchers.  Everything about the machine has been a hassle.  I have placed a second order and have had about twenty promotions sent to my email.  When I signed in today they were offering twenty percent off.  Great I thought, more savings.  Except there is a catch.  The 20% voucher was auto-filled into the page on the website.  I wanted to add my second welcome voucher (Oh yes the £20 welcome voucher was actually 2 x £10 welcome vouchers that I timebound) but couldn’t.  So after I placed my order, I emailed Tassimo to ask them to apply the voucher.  I wasn’t allowed - because its a promo code and I’m only allowed to apply one.  So my welcome vouchers are not really what they advertised them to be... and they are definitely not welcoming.

My experience so far has been of a complete customer service fail, and my expectations repeatedly failing to be met.  I know that it won’t be very long until the machine will be kicked into the long grass and we will return to a kettle.  Not because the coffee isn’t better than a jar of instant, but everytime I am forced to interact with Mondelez International and the Tassimo website I come away feeling aggrieved by my encounter.  This isn’t a recipe for a long term relationship, and is not inspiring any kind of customer loyalty - in fact the opposite... I want to shout from the roof top - AVOID, AVOID, AVOID. 

I also get the impression that they don’t care.  Because... well their Mondelez International, and one customer mouthing off at them is like a feather trying to move a mountain.  Bit of a waste of time.   But there is truth in that fact that people will tell more people of a bad experience than a good one... and this is one that is going to be repeated anytime someone asks me whether I want a cuppa - which lets face it, is every day.  That’s a lot of slagging off #TASSIMO.

So based on my experience avoid #TASSIMO, my friend is raving about her #NEPRESSO machine... which says it all really!!

[fortitudinous]

Let’s Talk about Menopause

Menopause.  Say it out loud, go on I dare you.  It’s not something you mention in polite conversation is it.  It falls into the same bucket as (whisper it) periods.  Women’s menstruation just isn’t something you can bring up casually.  Until twelve months ago menopause was something my Mum had gone through, something that I would go through ‘when I am older’ and had something to do with hot flushes and hormonal rages.  That’s it.  Considering this is something ALL women go through its not exactly well informed, and I like to think of myself as a well informed intelligent woman, with good body awareness.

It’s almost the same ignorance I had when I started my periods some 25+ years ago.  Sure I remember finding tampons in the bottom of my mums wardrobe and we’d had the condoms and tampons talk at school, I’d even done the biology classes about the uterus.  But the night my period started, my Mum and Dad were out and I saw the blood stain on my white trousers and thought I was dying.

Since that time my periods have been regular as clockwork.  Every 28 days.  I get moody for a day about a week before they start, feel bloated, get constipated and get four days of bleeding of which the second day is the heaviest.  Occasionally some discomfort but nothing bad.  The only time this changed is when I was pregnant.

That was until January 2013.  Suddenly my periods started going screwy.  They kept turning up early, so I was getting two periods a month.  I started getting diarrhoera and cramps.  I suddenly understood why some women couldn’t function because of period cramps.  I felt like my insides were being ripped out.  I thought I was dying.  9 months of cervical sweeps, blood tests, scans, internal scans.  I wasn’t dying I had Peri-menopause.  

Peri-menopause.  What the heck is THAT?  Well menopause is technically the bit when you haven’t had a period for twelve months.  The bit before that, the hot flushes etc.  That’s peri-menopause and it can last around 10 to 15 years.  TEN to FIFTEEN years.  Of irregular periods, hormonal imbalance, hot flushes, cold sweats, putting on weight, palpitations, sleeping problems, mood swings etc.  

But hang on, isn’t menopause about no longer having periods?  Seems not amigos.  I have had constant bleeding since November 2014.  Yes that’s right a SIX month period.  I get hot flushes, which can only be described as sitting in a pot slowly heating up to the point that sweat is pouring off you until after an undefined period it’s like someone has switched the heat off, and I suddenly get a cold sweat.  I am having to wash my pajamas several times a week because some morning I wake up and they are sodden with sweat.  My stomach alternates between constipation and diarrhoera but never normal, leaving me bloated and uncomfortable.  And I am tired because my sleep pattern is all over the place.  I’ve put on 10lb in six weeks, and seemingly have to starve myself to stop weight gain.  This after loosing 2.5 stone in eighteen months through diet and exercise.  Fortunately, I do not seem to be suffering so much from mood swings.  But before taking the contraceptive pill I got such bad cramps that the pain went right to the tops of my legs and I couldn’t stand up.  How an earth is anyone supposed to function with this going on constantly?  Each symptom on its own is a nuisance, but together the symptoms are completely wearing.

The miracle cure to this is something called the mirena coil.  Except that when I went to have it fitted by my GP in January, my cervix was ‘too small’ - the same cervix that has pushed out two babies.  I had a letter about six weeks ago from the hospital telling me that I am on the waiting list for the waiting list.  So I’m not holding out much hope of an appointment anytime soon.   In the meantime I have to take seven tablets a day.  I’m back on the contraceptive pill.  Which I take without a break, though it doesn’t seem to be helping the periods.  I also take an anti-inflammatory and something to reduce the bleeding three times a day.  

I’ve talked to my Mum and mother in law about it, and some of the stuff they have suffered from, are still suffering from, is horrendous.  A whole section of society living with symptoms that are painful or wearing.  And the best we can hope for is some medical intervention that doesn’t necessarily cure the symptoms but makes them manageable.  And here’s the scary thing.  Even AFTER menopause, women can still suffer from symptoms such as hot flushes.  Yet no one talks about it. 

Oh, and I’m 40 years old.  Young to start menopause, but not uncommon.  My advice, get armed with the facts and maybe if we start talking about the facts there might be someone somewhere who takes some notice and makes a decision to invest in some research, to find alternative to ‘living with peri-menopause.’

[fortitudinous]

I can’t vote for any of the Parties, so I’m going to Vote for Andrew

For many of you, you are probably already bored of the UK election, some of your may be thinking there’s no point in voting and reel out the “all politicians are corrupt and just want our money” but I think voting is really important.  In fact if I ruled the world I’d make not voting illegal.

Perhaps I have been brain washed from an early age about my duty as a citizen.  But its more than that.  There are too many people around the world dying, literally, for the chance to vote, that to not to seems... petulant.  As a woman I’m well aware of women who fought for a voice in the UK democratic system not even 100 year ago.  Great grandmothers of women of my generation were force fed food when they went on hunger strike to secure the right to vote for women.  Lest we forget ladies.  

But mainly, I want a voice.  If you don’t vote you forfeit that voice.  Politicians only listen to people that vote.  65.1% bothered to vote in 2010, the Tories were the biggest party with only 36.1% of the vote.  If all those who didn’t vote had voted for another party, the result would had been different.  Your vote really can make a difference.

The problem I have in 2015 is that I am struggling to know who to vote for.  I’m being asked to vote for a solution to a system I think is broken, and the political party system seems anachronistic, belonging to a bygone age.

Politically my formative years was spent in a Tory voting, Daily Mail reading household.  My Gran used to put on Conservative Party fund raising ‘do’s’ for Norman Tebbit.  My toes were dipped in Blue Waters, and it actually took me until my 30′s to ‘get’ what was wrong with the Daily Mail.  Yes, I know, I’m a slow learner.  But over the years my values and beliefs have changed and I guess I would plant my politics someone on the left of centre mark, not socialist (I still believe in free enterprise) but more left than liberal.

If someone else other than Miliband was leader of the Labour party, I might be persuaded to put my tick against the Labour candidate this election.  The last few elections I have voted Liberal Democrat, but in a Labour stronghold it has always felt like I was wasting my vote.

I can’t vote Labour because of Miliband and Balls.  I’ve read a number of books about New Labour, both biographies of the main players and commentators books, and well Miliband and Balls were part of Brown’s treasury team.  The don’t come out of the New Labour period very well.  Power hungry and responsible (in part) to running up huge amounts of national debt (this was before the credit crunch.)  Their manifesto pledge ‘for responsible spending’ is like putting a reformed alcoholic with their two weeks sober chip in charge of a liquor store.  Sorry boys but I wouldn’t trust you as far as I can throw you.

I feel sorry for the Liberal Democrats.  Yes they have been part of the coalition, but as the junior partner they still have to concede ground to the Tories.  They have measured some of the Tory policies and managed to introduce some of their manifesto promises.  But Nick Clegg did the right thing for the country in 2010 and, although we have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, the two parties have been remarkably grown up and ‘non-political’ in their approach to working in coalition.  The decision by Clegg in 2010 was a major reason why our country didn’t have to seek a bail out, and go through the indignity of Greece, Spain, Ireland and Portugal.  But I guess that’s life sometimes you get kicked for putting the country and principles ahead of personal political gain.

The Tories, have once again worked their economic fingers to the bone and achieved an improving economy.  They might be ‘Tory scum’ but read your history and every time Labour leave office the cupboard is bare.  The Tories take all the flack for putting in the hard yards of turning around the economy, and then when everything is finally improving Labour get back into power again, and repeat the cycle of spending too much and not making good use of the upward trend in the economy.  The Tories always end up having to the spade work only to have Labour wastefully harvest the fruits of their graft.  

But though my inclination is to hold steady with the economic turnaround, I can’t bring myself to vote Tory.  I mean, I respect their economic prowess but they are the nasty party.  £10 might not seem much to someone who think living off £68K is impossible but having suffered from terrible economic times myself, I know from painful experience the difference £10 can make to eating or not eating.  It is shocking the inequality in this country.  For a party who is so dedicated to ‘getting people off of benefits and into work” allowing a position where wealth is accumulated at the top and ordinary working folk are exposed to hardship shouldn’t be, mustn’t be allowed to continue.  And yet the longer the Tories are in power, the worse the gaps between rich and poor gets, and inequality is accelerating.

Which leaves the smaller parties.  UKIP doesn’t represent the British people, they are a voice of the disenfranchised but it doesn’t stop them being racists and bigots.  Plaid and SNP don’t have the interests of the WHOLE of the UK in mind and the Greens, well, their nice, but like Labour I don’t think I would trust them to run things.  You know that saying ‘the road to hell is filled with good intentions...” I think that sums up my feelings about the Green party.

The NHS is important, but all the parties want to invest in it. Education is important, and all the parties will invest in it.  Whether they tax or spend, and to what degree will depend on where their priorities are, but whatever party is in power will have to tackle the deficit and the national debt and anyway you look at it, the result is public sector spending cuts or higher taxes.  No one can promise there isn’t going to be more austerity. 

So I can’t vote for any of the parties.  But I’m going to vote.

The result is, this election I’m changing my idea about how I approach my vote.  This time, I’ve spent some time finding out about the candidates.  Ian Lucas has been my MP for over 14 years, I have written numerous emails to him over the years and he has never responded to any of them.  He voted to reduce local government spending... that’s right, he voted to reduce the amount of money Wrexham Council had to spend.  He also voted against ensuring there is an equal number of electors per parliamentary representative.  In other words he voted for gerrymandering, that is setting a political advantage by manipulating constituency boundaries.  He also voted against having fewer MPs.  (for more information see http://www.theyworkforyou.com)  He doesn’t represent me, and he isn’t interested in my vote.  Wrexham has been a labour seat since its creation in 1935, so I get the impression he thinks he’s sitting pretty as an incumbent and will be returned to parliament on 6th May 2015. Rob Walsh Liberal Democrats) is just not present.  I’ve read his literature, but seen nothing of him.  David Munnerley (Green Party) is only standing because he disagrees with Fracking, I think if it wasn’t for David the Green’s wouldn’t be fielding a candidate in Wrexham.  I would never vote for UKIP because of the policies they stand for, and Plaid is just too Wales centric.  But I did get a chance to have coffee for the new Conservative candidate for Wrexham, Andrew Atkinson.  I started our conversation saying I couldn’t vote for Tory.  But what I discovered was a man genuinely interested in helping Wrexham.  If there is such thing as a Tory with a heart, Andrew Atkinson is it.  He listened, we debated, and he shared his thoughts on some of my problems with their ‘nasty party.’  He didn’t try and defend them, like some fanatical moron who just agrees with everything their party leader tells them to think - Andrew is his own man and actually disagrees with some of his parties actions/policies.  But it was his passion for his home town that swung me.  He’s already got Wrexham issues raised in Parliament (Mobile coverage) - and he is not even an MP yet. 

What could he do for Wrexham if he did get enough votes?

So yes, I am voting, but not for a party.  For Andrew.

@andrew4wrexham

[fortitudinous]

Running to stand still

I haven't posted for a couple of weeks, mainly because I have a lot of 'stuff' going on at the moment and I am running to stand still.  Too many late nights, too many last minute rushes to get things done, and I feel exhausted and have that tension in my shoulders that is my body reminding me I am living life at a pace which isn't sustainable.

Life can be like that sometimes, whether it is work or life, where suddenly your normal routines get thrown into chaos as you try to catch up with yourself and the things that life is throwing at you.

So what do you do?  Work harder?  Work every hour you have to keep up?  Or make sure you make time to stop?

What's that?  Stop - but I don't have time for that?  In the British workplace 60% of people eat lunch at their desk... The long languishing lunches seem to have gone out with flares.

Apart from the physical and mental health problems associated with not taking a break, there is also the impact that not taking a break has on our productivity.

By trying to stay on the treadmill we actually become less effective, less productive, less efficient than if we actually took time off.  Humans have a great capacity to work hard, but we also require rest.  Our bodies and our minds demand it because it is necessary for our proper functioning. 

Turning off is as important to your success as turning up.

So after a crazy couple of days where I hadn't taken proper breaks, and still with 170 hours of lectures to prepare, and final preparations for my daughters birthday party, I took a whole hour for my lunch break.  I sat on my butt, read a book, took time to breathe and made sure I relaxed as I ate and drank at leisure.

Apart from the fact that it is better for digestion to eat slowly, and the fact that I felt calm, I had a much more productive afternoon.

Twelve years ago, after working 12 hour days, 7 days a week trying to cover two full time jobs for 7 months I end up off work because I couldn't cope.  I spent more time worrying about what I hadn't done, than patting myself on the back for the things I had achieved in impossible circumstances.  I was off work for 6 weeks.  I discovered that the world didn't end, my customers didn't pack up and leave and the organisation carried on regardless of my absence.  Okay, some paperwork wasn't done - but no one was chasing it, and there was other things that should have been done, but wasn't.  I discovered that if you left stuff in your inbox long enough it either went in the bin (about 40% of it) or the person who had requested it, would chase you.

When HR talked to be about needed to prioritise, my line manager turned around and said "but everything is a priority."  Hence the reason why I had ended up off on stress.  I learned to go back to my manager and say I have this much time, and this much work, I can't do it all, so what are we going to agree that I can drop.  I learned to not let perfect get in the way of good.  But most of all I learnt the importance of rest.

A good nights sleep and taking a break.  We cannot work 12 hours straight without taking time out and still be effective.  I found by taking breaks, and stopping work at a reasonable time meant that something that was taking me an hour to complete, would only take 20 minutes with a fresh head.  I got more work done, working less.

So take some time out.  Make time for you and your well-being.  Before you know it you'll be thinking with greater clarity, working with greater efficiently and delivering more... and most importantly having a life that is yours and doesn't belong to someone else's agenda.

[fortitudinous]

Freedom of Speech

I recently saw a video on Facebook that was about the erosion of Freedom of Speech in the UK.  The lost freedoms was referring to the fact that a number of Christian preachers were being arrested either for preaching on the streets of Britain or, one case was highlighted of an American preacher who was questioned for comparing Islam to Satan.

Another 'street speaker' was arrested for Quoting from Winston Churchill in a speech which was disparaging about Muslims.

The underlying message of the video was that people in Britain were no longer able to say they though Islam was bad.  In reality the examples used in the video was of people insulting the Islamic faith.

Now I am a Christian.  I go to Church on a Sunday.  I confess I have yet to hear a Christian street preacher that doesn't make me cringe inside, and though I will happily tell people about my faith and belief, I don't think you should do so uninvited.  Instead, I hope, that the way I live my life, will prompt people to ask what it is about me that makes me different.

I wasn't bought up in a proactive Christian household.  We went to church for Births, Marriages and Deaths and once midnight mass at Christmas.   My contact with Church and Christianity was pretty much school assembly hymns, harvest festivals and Religious Education at School.  I was typical teenager; drinking too much and went to university and did all the things you shouldn't do but everyone does with boyfriends and drunken nights out.  I didn't become a believer until I was 21.  

I think this 'background' probably makes me a very liberal Christian.  I actually agree with 'gay' marriage, think other faiths are interesting, and don't think its my place to agree or disagree with how someone else lives their life as long as they let me get on with mine unhindered.  Its not because I don't believe what is in the Bible.  I do.  But that's my faith.  

I guess I believe that if I want and have the right to practice my belief unhindered, I should extend the same curtesy to other people.

I approach freedom of speech the same way.  But the funny thing about freedom is are my freedoms being denied if I am stopped from spreading hate and insulting other people or is it protecting the freedom of others to live their lives without hate and insult? Today in Britain it is true that Islamic extremists are a problem but so too are any extremist groups, religious or otherwise.

The rise of the Islamic State in Syria and Iraq must be stopped. Not because they're islamic, but because they are committing inhumane acts - beheading journalists may have got President Obama's attention, but the systematic killing of any group, by anyone demands action. There are Islamic groups in the UK that spread the same message of hate. But then there are any number of groups, of all persuasions that have their own messages of hate, they are just not the focus of the British press right now.

My word of caution is lets be careful not to mix up freedom of speech with demonising a group of people just because they happen to practice Islam.  Like Christianity, Islam has, if you like, many denominations.  Not all Muslims believe the same things and not all Muslims are terrorists.

The Christian preacher in the video compares Muslims to Satan, which is quite extreme. It reminded me of a quote from history. “...the personification of the devil as the symbol of all evil assumes the living shape of the Jew.” - Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf.

Socialist anti-jew or Christian anti-muslim. Different window dressing, same message of hate. I bet my Grandfather's generation wishes someone had shut Hitler up before his message of hate galvanised a nation to start a War.

I think as society and culture, the British may not seem to be vocal about our freedom of speech, but we do value freedom and liberty. Perhaps our idea of Freedom is based on John Stuart Mills Harm Principle which states that the only actions that can be prevented are ones that create harm. In other words, a person can do whatever he wants as long as his actions do not harm others.

If your 'speech' denies the freedom of someone else, preaching hatred and division, or insults someone else then it is harmful. Perhaps our 'lack of freedom of speech' as documented in the video I watched is the reason British Society is so diverse. We're not perfect, but the majority are tolerant, accepting and happy to co-exist.

As a Christian, I don't agree with a lot of what happens in society, but I would rather my speech mirrored God's. Accepted. Loved. Forgiven. Grace. Hope. Mercy. Healing.

I believe that you will find, whatever your persuasion if you preach love and acceptance on the streets of Britain, you won't be arrested.

[fortitudinous]

The road to mutual self destruction

It is the last day of the school holidays and I think, like most parents, school term couldn't start soon enough.  I love my kids, but having them around 24/7 for weeks on end is enough to drive me insane.  It is not just their stupidly high levels of energy, the way they vacuum food from the cupboards, the way getting them out the house takes so long, the migration of toys and clutter around the house or even the constant demand for something that I can't afford... though those reasons are enough to try the patience of a saint.  No, its the arguing.  Over Nothing.

My husband and I could probably count on one hand the number of times we argue in a year, its not that we agree all the time, or that we are never in bad moods, we are human beings will the full range of human emotions and ability to get irked with one another.  But, life is just too short to have an argument about everything.

But my kids... well if they were giving degrees out for arguing they'd be first class students.  This morning it was an argument about the box my sons new school coat arrived in.  I duly found another box to placate my daughter, but they still manage to come to blow.  Despite the fact they have hundreds of toys you can guarantee that they will argue over the one piece of plastic. 

My daughter at the age of 4 is a master of arguments for the sake of it, even when you are agreeing with her she still argues with you and will swear that Black is White regardless of the evidence.  My husband and I have decided that if authorities wanted to break a suspected felon they should just put them in a room with my daughter for five minutes and they'd be spilling their guts in no time.

I keep getting told it will get better, but as the six week summer holiday progressed the arguments have become more frequent, more prolonged and I am sad to say more vicious.  I look on and think, why?  Why are you being like this, its so pointless, such a waste of energy, can't you do more productive things with your time?

The sad thing is when I see what is going on in the world, Russia v Ukraine, The Islamic State v anyone who isn't part of the Islamic state, Clacton MP v David Cameron, Scottish Independence v Better Together I feel the same thing.

If we spent as much time, effort, energy and resources on doing something good as we do one disagreeing with each other imagine what the human race would be capable of.  Sure I get it, everyone has a different opinion about what 'good' looks like, but the conflicts going on are all about separateness, not what we can do together.  Its about I'm right and your wrong, with no room for collaboration.  Its about oppressing others to achieve freedom, which isn't really freedom at all.

And I feel the same thing as I do when my kids argue.  Exasperated.  Annoyed.  Fed up and hoping things will get better.

[fortitudinous]

Help Change the World - without leaving home

I have been interested in politics since secondary school, where I studied GCSE.  I have also been interested in changing the world.  But being a busy working Mum of two, living in North Wales (about four hours drive from London) making the time to attend political protests and rallies isn't really feasible.

But, I am politically active.  I regularly email and write to MPs and councillors and I have discovered that political activism can take as little time as 30 seconds.  I have signed up to numerous text and email alerts from campaigning groups such as 38 degrees and Amnesty international. Every now an again I get sent a petition to sign and all I do is either text back or click on the link to sign the petition.  Occasionally I have to write an email, which takes all of five minutes of my time... with no requirement for sitting at my desk.

I have also taken the hassle out of voting.  Often my day job takes me away from home, which means on an election day I might be no where near my local polling station.  Over a decade ago I signed up for postal voting, and every election I fill in my postal slip and pop it in the post.  

Perhaps this is political activism for the inactive?  

My encouragement to you all is don't think that just because you live in the wrong part of the country or the world, or that you don't have the time or resources to go on marches you can't make a difference.  People power does work, and adding your voice to a cause can and does make a difference.  Help those campaigning shout louder.  Get involved.

[fortitudinous]

I sometimes wonder...

Having kids has open me up to being curious.  I think I have always been curious, but I think as you get older you learn not to ask questions, mainly I think because we get too busy and there's not time to question why.

As a lecturer and OD practitioner I have learnt the value of questions being asked.  As a lecturer because I wish students would be brave enough to ask stupid questions, so when I study and become the student I ask the stupid questions because I figure there will be others in the class who are wondering the same thing.  As an OD practitioner, because, well OD is all about asking questions.

But I think more than anything it is my children who have made me more curious.  They are always asking questions which are great questions but don't always have a simple answer, or even if the initial answer is simple it somehow seems inadequate.

Yesterday driving my kids to summer camp, my daughter asked me "Why do we have ears Mummy?" the simple answer is "so we can hear" but this is a simple answer.  I mean the function of ears is to enable us to hear. But why the flappy bits on the side of our head?  I've looked it up - our ears transmit sound waves and enable us to localise where sound is coming from.  

The next question she asked was "Why do we have bones Mummy?" (she's obviously thinking about how her body works at the moment" The simple answer was "to hold your body up, otherwise we would be a blob on the floor." - It was early and my mind was on other things.  But did you know that our skeleton has more than 200 bones?  And yes bones support our body, without a backbone for example, we wouldn't be able to stand upright, but it also protects our vital organs e.g our ribcage protects our heart and lungs and the skeleton helps us move.

You might be thinking, so what?  But I love questions because if we don't just accept the first answer that pops into our head, but actually explore the question we find out stuff that we didn't know before, or perhaps had forgotten what we knew.  

It also helps challenge our mental models.  The things we 'think' are true, aren't necessarily absolute truths.  So for example, it would be absurd to think that coloured people are 'savages' but that is seriously what white european explorers presumed when arriving on foreign shores.  Questioning what we think we know to be true, helps us to broaden our mind, to discover things we didn't know before and learn.  

So get curious, ask questions of yourself and others.  Wonder why?  Wonder What if?  Wonder How?  Its an amazing world out there!

[fortitudinous]

False Economy

There's a lot I can say about our economy at the moment, not least about the widening gap between rich and poor and how the 'profits' of capitalism need to be fairly distributed.  But that would take a book rather than a blog, so I thought I would highlight the false economy of austerity.

Its with sadness that I travel around our local area and see the effects of cuts.  The local leisure centres have been shut because of lack of funds and the local high street has more To Let signs than shop signs.  But worse still is the creeping neglect.  One thing that has been stopped is regular grass and verge cutting.  It seems such a minor thing but the impact is huge.  The playground is completely overgrown and children no longer play because you don't know what is lurking in the grass.  Driving along the country roads has become really hazardous because the overgrown hedges and verges means it is nigh on impossible to see around the corners.  And the loss of the street cleaning has mean that the pavements are covered in rubbish, fallen leaves and are becoming victim to weeds.  

I remember when I was younger going on holiday abroad and marvelling at how many pot holes were in the roads compared to British roads which were always maintained.  But our roads are probably the worst in Europe.  its not just pot holes but the temporary repairs that have turned once pristine tarmaced roads into rutted roads normally associated with private back roads.

I heard that in order to fix all the maintenance issues on the roads would take 10 years and £12bn and there were calls to 'share' some of the road tax to pay towards the additional maintenance required - I might be confused but I though the whole point of the road tax was to maintain the roads?

The neglect isn't just something from the last year, but something that has been happening over consecutive years.  Our 'infrastructure' is crumbling from years of neglect.  Whether it is energy with ageing power stations that are going beyond their safe life spans, or lack of investment from private companies responsible for water, electricity or railways.  But it isn't just the public buildings, infrastructure projects and by ways that have suffered.  As householders struggle with stagnant wages and rising costs, there isn't spare to do maintenance on the properties.  Shabby and unkempt is becoming the norm.

But as any car owner will tell you, neglecting regular maintenance costs more in the long run.  And the neglect that we are seeing in the streets of our towns and cities has a greater impact that the immediate cost of putting things right.  Greater damage is done by leaving things to rot, the weeds I see on the street will create more damage to the road surface that will require a greater cost to put right than the cost of removing the weeds in the first place.

Years ago I read a great book by Malcolm Gladwell, called The Tipping Point in which he suggested that Human behaviour is sensitive to and strongly influenced by its environment. In his Broken Windows theory and Power of Context Gladwell explains that the criminal is actually someone acutely sensitive to his environment and who is prompted to commit crimes based on his perceptions of the world around him. He goes on to give the example of "zero tolerance" efforts to combat minor crimes such as fare-beating and vandalism on the New York subway and how they led to a decline in more violent crimes city-wide. 

What does our environment say about our society?  At the moment crime statistics seems to fly in the face of the Broken Windows Theory. The Crime Survey for England and Wales (CSEW) shows substantial falls in property crime, with levels having fallen by half since they peaked in the mid-1990’s. These falls were driven by large reductions in crimes such as vandalism, vehicle-related theft and burglary. In regards to violent crimes the estimated number of violent incidents decreased by 13% between the 2007/08 survey and the 2012/13 survey. The CSEW showed a non-statistically significant 6% decrease in 2012/13 compared with the previous year.

However, recent trends show increases in the lower volume personal theft offences such as theft from the person recorded by the police. Vandalism had the highest repeat victimisation rate, with 25% of victims of this crime reporting they had suffered vandalism more than once in the previous 12 months. Theft from the person and robbery were least likely to have been experienced more than once (7%).  

Trends are always backward looking, and it makes me wonder when you look at the crime figures that the crime increased in the early years of recovery from the recession of the 1990s, will we start seeing an increase in crime figures now we are beginning to recover from the crash?

Certainly in my area the degradation is having a impact on the way people treat the area in which they live.  I notice in the hedgerows more fly tipping, more broken windows where there is vacant property and greater levels of minor crime being experienced (but not reported) by my neighbours.  We ourselves have experienced theft of some ornamental brick plinth tops from our front wall and those of our neighbours which are several hundred pounds each to replace. Although we discussed the theft with our local PCSO we didn't bother to make a formal report because it is doubtful they could be recovered and it wasn't worth making a claim on the home insurance.

I wonder what cost to society austerity measures will have.  Not just in terms of crime or damage but societal cost too.  If we stop 'caring' about our community in a physical sense, will we begin to stop caring about our community in a psychological way too.  What cost then will austerity have in regards to our ability to sustain society in a productive way even when, perhaps, the holes in the road get covered over.  

Perhaps the scars of the crash will be like a screwed up piece of paper.  You might be able to flatten it back out again, but the damage cannot be erased.