[ Kite | 29 | ♎ | INFJ ] proud panromantic asexual! small town llama farmer; likes things, talks a lot and sometimes makes stuff. avid corgi and cryptid enthusiast
sprite by shinyv!
so. i am no longer going to be using this blog. this is goodbye.
took a long time to make this decision and i do not make it lightly (i've been on this blog for. a horrifically long time lmao like 13-15 years?). but the tl;dr version is i can't handle using this blog anymore. too much in my life has changed. those memories are still and always dear to me but seeing them causes me pain.
but! i still want to engage with people and art and media!! i wanna enjoy tumblr again!
so i'm creating a new space to start over in. if you would like to follow my new blog, please just go ahead and like this post (i'll message you) or message me (i'll message you back). i'll be checking it for a bit and will get you the new url.
or don't, it's up to you and i hold no hard feelings either way!
nearly 10 years between drawing these pieces. something is wrong with my new laptop's color display (exposure/contrast is wrong) so i will continue futzing with the most recent piece, but i ran out of steam for now. i probably should have waited, but oh well. i still want my bright airy colors back lmao
most of my herd in the original piece are gone, now. some left to be cherished by new homes when i left for college. others are waiting at the Bridge. drawing all of them in the reprise piece made me feel like i'd failed them. so i stuck with Comet and Irish, because without them i wouldn't have discovered my passion for working with animals. my first competition partners. wanted to incorporate them and Drama. wasn't ready to leave them out
Wish, Rialto and of course Rynnie weren't born yet when i did the first piece (Wish was born later that year!). this is the first time i've drawn Kizzie with a graying face. And the first time i've drawn Rynnie in color, i think!
Ava and Zane went home to the best families and I am so, so so so excited for them. Eira (Now called Aster!) is staying for a bit to grow up some more and decide whether she should continue on as a prospect or find a pet home as well.
this litter came with a ton of ups and downs. They themselves were amazing, healthy, no issues. Life just happens and cars break down.
i love them so much and i can't wait to hear about their amazing lives. and i really hope Aster gets to stay. but if she doesn't then she's going to go make someone so incredibly happy <3
Tumblr is good for creative types because the tag system lets you be truly deranged about how much you like it without feeling as Exposed as a Comment Section
-dogs are doing super well but they're also getting old and that is Doing Things to my brain
-my car!!! will be fixed soon!!!! hopefully!!! oh my god
-flew to missouri again for more dog shenanigans and got HIT BY A TORNADO IMMEDIATELY (we're all fine i had to just go pass out in a basement out of fear about it)
-wish and i qualified for rally nationals!!! i decided one trip to missouri this year was enough (also can't afford it)
-therapy works
-baby's first heart condition (diagnosed with pots)
-still hyperfixating on whatever gives my brain dopamine, hope yall like skeleton lesbians and feel free to blacklist #tlt if you don't
-we played session fcking 100 of motw tonight??????????????????????
k thanks byeeeee i'll probably chat more when i am not running my ass off doing things
malecowgirl said: do you know anyone who knows cars that might be willing to do you a solid for cheaper?
i haven't been on tumblr to update but!! thankfully the service contract i purchased finally approved repairs. what was originally quoted at 7-8.5k is now!!!! $250
downside is due to the general state of fuckery of things rn, parts are on backorder and aren't expected to arrive until mid july so i'm still waiting, but thankfully the most stressful thing has been resolved!!!
the dogs are all good but in trying to Do Big Things (finally replacing my death trap of a car) i Ruined My Life (bought an entirely fucked up vehicle and am now fighting to get the warranty i bought to actually cover repairs, it's been sitting in repair for over a month now and is going to bankrupt me, i'm trapped and can't move out until it's fixed, if i can get it fixed, because the repairs cost more than 3x what i have to my name)
and instead of getting depressed and 'danger to myself about it' i instead became a vicious bitch and lost every ounce of people pleasing instinct
and of course this all happens right after i stop going to therapy because i'm moving
so uh. sorry for being so quiet, been Dealing With That
love myself a cockroach of a character. i look at them and go ”how is that fucker not dead? they should be dead. they should be dead ten times over. how are they not?” and 90% of the time the answer is a combo of sheer stubborness and homosexuality
more about Rynnie, since jfc i forgot tumblr existed and. this dog.
today, Rynnie is 9 and a half months old. she came home at 12 weeks old.
she's fearless, constantly happy, too smart for her own good and the only thing she loves more than plotting learning... is me
and i feel conceited saying that but. this dog adores me. she just does. she's taken care of me since the day i brought her home. we sat together on the floor of the airport watching the planes take off outside while ours underwent maintenance and she just... stared at me. then she started licking the crook of my elbow, wagging her tail.
she kept that up every time i had her out in my lap, because 8+ hours in a travel carrier is a lot for a 12 week old puppy.
she came home and didn't skip a beat. like she'd been here all along.
she earned her first two AKC titles at 16 weeks old. she went best in show multiple times in IABCA and UKC shows she was just at for ring experience and fun before her first AKC show. her first specialty and she came home with best of opposite in sweepstakes, handled by my mentor since it was too risky for me to drive.
i haven't described a dog as brilliant since Drama... but Rynnie deserves that, too.
and this is where it gets weird. and you can chalk it up to how bad grief pushed me into the ground, or whatever you want. but if there's one thing that grief taught me, it's to let the things that bring you comfort, do their thing.
before i even knew about Rynnie, i had these weird dreams since losing drama. and i'd wake up and the lights over her memorial shelf would be on, despite being switched off. weird signs like that.
anyways, the dreams kept coming. she showed me that empty space she showed the communicator, though she used Wish being gone as an example (rude, deedle, i woke up sobbing). i kept having these lines sticking out to me in the dream. "she's on her way". "she's coming back". "she's back, she's here". the relief and joy of having her in my arms again and not wanting to wake up.
and then, suddenly i'm in georgia, and there's a puppy with the same little spray of spots on her muzzle that Drama had, and she's licking my face in an airport parking lot while i feel my heart breaking back together.
and Drama hasn't been in my dreams ever since.
and Rynnie isn't Drama. She's Rynnie. But maybe Drama sent her to me, or maybe there's a bit of Drama in her. i don't know how i feel about the idea of reincarnation because as much comfort as it brings me, it also feels like doing a diservice to the unique little soul Rynnie is.
but she is uncannily like Drama sometimes.
she was an alarmingly easy puppy, the awful uti she contracted when she got here aside (can't blame her accidents on her, she couldn't help it). she knows things she shouldn't.
The way she pounces on her toys. The way she roots through the toy box every night to pick out a new toy. the way she has to bring said toy to me to hold and inspect, then hand back to her before she'll play with it. the way she squeezes up underneath my desk to stare at me with her big dark doe eyes. the way she slid right into playing rally with me, like she's always done it. the way she plays with Wish and Kizzie, swinging into them butt-first and being an absolute menace. the way she always seems to know when i need to be poked and checked in with, when she needs to make me laugh. the way she flattens her ears, smiles and whips her tail back and forth so hard it smacks her ribs when she says hello.
the night i handed her Drama's favorite black bone toy, the rubber one that sits by her urn, and Rynnie's eyes lit up and she took it and promptly plopped into a sploot and started scraping her teeth on it, just like Drama did every day, making those awful squeaking noises i hated so much but didn't realized i missed so badly.
but in many ways, she's her own, too. she's more confident than Drama was. she's quieter than Drama was, she doesn't roodle and make the same silly sounds she did. she's cuddly, but not 'could crawl under your skin and still not be close enough' cuddly like Drama was. she prefers sleeping with her head on my chest instead of draped over my pillow behind my head. she gets too hot if she sleeps under the covers, Drama would have been content to live there. she doesn't just whip her tail and flatten her ears, she grins and curls her body back and forth in a full body wag when she comes to greet me.
she's not Drama. or maybe she is, and things are different the second time around. or maybe Drama sent her, or maybe, maybe, maybe...
no matter what, she's Rynnie. and she's everything i could have hoped for and she's brought me immeasurable healing and joy.
and playing with her feels like a second chance for everything Drama didn't get enough time for.
so i'll love her enough for both of them, and give her the rest of the life Drama didn't get to have.
I didn't realize i hadn't posted about rynnie since she came home
and now she's been here for 6 months???
she's one of the best things to ever happen to me. if wish held me together after drama died and kizzie was undergoing her own horrible health issues (which she is now FULLY recovered from!!! she's doing great!), rynnie glued everything back together
she's just incredible. i hopped on a red eye flight across the country and had her home the next day. she handled the 18+ hours of travel and layovers without issue. she settled right in and made my life whole again. she's brilliant, sweet, silly, funny and SMART.
slowly, we thawed. my home is filled with the sounds of playing dogs, again. the toybox gets dumped and strewn across the floor every night again. i have three dogs curled around me when i go to sleep at night, again. i call three names, fill three bowls, reach for three leashes again.
and me? i stay up late training my dogs for fun, again. i'm singing again, laughing more, setting goals and reaching them. rynnie has already hit the show ring and rocked it, and the first time i asked her to do a rally course with me she breezed through it. Wish and i fully rebounded in rally from our slump and have been on a roll, he earned 27 qualifying scores last year and solidified himself as the do-it-all-dog i've always known he was. 3 rally runs, an agility run and two rounds in the conformation ring in a day? bring it!!
thats everything he won in 2024!!! he was even nationally recognized by our breed club, earning our Champion of the Heart - Companion distinction <3
and then...
a little over two years ago, my world fell apart when i lost Drama. not only did i lose my beloved little dog who i adored, but i lost her unborn litter, which would have been my first independently bred litter of Cardigans and a culmination of 10+ years of my life spent learning and working. i thought it was over. 9 failed attempts to start over crushed me over and over again, i was more depressed and hopeless than i've ever been and i nearly gave up and lost myself numerous times.
but my mentor, my friends, my community didn't let me.
and yesterday, it finally happened. the first litter that will bear my kennel name was born. my mentor asked last year if i'd like to co own my favorite of her dogs and plan her breeding, to see what i've learned. and yesterday, three perfect little babies came into the world.
it went perfectly. mama dog Monica is doing amazing and is a wonderful mother. my mentor let me help with the second puppy born and then while i was working on getting him latched, the third was born and i jumped in and delivered her, got her breathing and my mentor let me handle clamping, tying and severing the umbilical cord.
weeks before the puppies came, i was resigned to this not working, again. i was resigned to there not being a puppy for me (my mentor wanted to co own the pick girl with me, so that i'll have both her and rynnie as my foundation). i was bracing myself because... my luck has sucked. i was so terrified of something happening to Monica.
i'm not religious. i don't pray. but i put it out into the universe, if there is a tan pointed tri girl with a fairy kiss, i'll know this was meant for me. i'll take it as a sign and stop doubting i'm meant to be here and be doing this.
just like i asked for wish. a perfect little tan pointed blue merle boy with two blue eyes.
obviously color means nothing; structure, temperament and health are beyond all paramount. but i'm allowed preferences. and a tri girl was my dream from Drama. the fairy kiss was just an added 'prove it'.
we didn't know whether Monica even carried black to produce tricolors, and brindle points are dominant, she was bred to a brindle pointed tricolor. so it was a very slim chance, but hey, i'll tempt fate for something good after how many times it's shit kicked me.
and that puppy who was born into my hands?
she is a perfect little tan pointed tri, complete with a fairy kiss.
the first was a brindle girl who was mad as hell, stop touching me and just let me nurse. second was a big long red boy with a black mask that looks like a pair of goggles. and then the last was the little tri girl.
they're here, they're safe, and they're perfect.
it snowed all day and night, i brought my dogs to my mentor's and stayed the night and all of today watching and caring for them.
i didn't think i'd be ready for this, i needed my mentor to help me through it. i thought i'd try to breed again and panic after what happened.
instead, i welcomed the first puppies born under my kennel name and hers into the world under her guidance, in the place i lost Drama and my litter and thought my dream had died.
i am so blessed to get to watch these little ones grow. <3
