For even the cunning heart of a fox can feel fear

[foxhearting]

I feel like this waiting is never gonna end. I feel so alone and frustrated and irrationally anxious, i am having hard time functioning as a person. It'a like a constant waiting game of when will she be online or when i will be online and scheduling everythkng with our different time tables is hell. She also uses her evenings to go out. She has gone out like 4 times thw past week and while i do not mind i miss her so much. And when are both online she only watches tv shows barely saying a word i am so heartbroken and sad and i cannot handle this well idk what to do all i know is, this is not healthy .

[foxhearting]

We are through first half of the time. I see her in about 47 days. I cannot wait. It is the only thing I think about. I want to touch her and feel her and smell her. It is so hard to come home every night to an empty room. I feel like joy has been sucked out of me, I feel like she went and took summer sun with her and I don;t know how to breathe but I do. It’s so hard. Harder than I ever imagined.

Our plans and hopes for the future keep me alive. And when she tells me she loves me, I do not second guess it anymore but god damn this is the most difficult thing I have ever done. 

[foxhearting]

But what are the odds for us meeting at that point , on that day. She wasnt even supposed to be there and yet something went “wrong” and she was. Someone somewhere sent an email, that was not for her, causing this confusion. And what are the odds that we started talking and that we later were put into same class. Not very high, statistically and yet our friendship grew and turned into something more than just friendship, it turned into love and passion and kisses and cuddle and me exploring her skin. Making her shiver in ecstasy and then just sleeping skin on skin. Nothing else even comes close to this. And this is why I have hope and faith that we can do this. 

[foxhearting]

After spending a good 1 and half year with her, barely being apart from her for more than 24h, I said goodbye to her tonight. We stood on the corner of the street and I kissed her and I cried, and she almost cried and then I made a stupid joke and then we parted. And my heart broke. I love her so much and I know she loves me too but I almost wish I didnt love her this much. Maybe it would be less painful. I know it is only for a couple of months but god damnit if it does not hurt my soul being away from her. And yeah I will go over at her place in december but it still feels like centuries away, even though time goes so fast bc I am 50 shades of busy bee.

[deliriosdeuncorazon]

[foxhearting]

I keep thinking of that night, I bet her head is filled with everything else though. I swear though if she is going to ask me to stay tomorrow night, I am gonna say yes, I think. ( I doubt she is gonna ask though ).

I cannot stop thinking about it. Just the way we were spooning, I was the little spoon and her nose in my neck, I wish I could relive that moment for the rest of my life. Idek anymore. I just don't knwo what is happening. ANd I hope, she is also unable to stop thinking about it.

While these past few months we have been toeing the line between friends and something else, now we literally jumped to the other side. However, I do remain cautious, she promised not to fuck me over ( sober and drunk ) again and that her feelings are sincere but she must be as scared as I am, so I am expecting a reaction to that soon. She did say she did not regret anything while completely sober but....Idk idk IDK I just want to crawl back to bed with her bye.

[foxhearting]

Spent last night cuddling with her in bed. We both were pretty wasted. She wanted more but I said that I did not want to be someone she'd regret ( because she tends to do things when drunk and then regrets them ). She told me she'd never regret me. I persisted.It was so nice though, just the warmth and smell of her and her putting her arm around me wheile we slept and I got so annoyed with how much i enjoyed it. It would be so much easier to hate her guts. Idk what's gonna happen now if anything is gonna happen. I have no idea what's going on. I just love having her around and it's nice and comforting and makes me feel so nice. Ohmygod

[foxhearting]

She wants us to be "normal" friends whatever that means.

And she is sorry but also thinks I put her under unfair pressure.

I am just so done.

Done

DONE

I am going to be civil but distant.

[foxhearting]

We're not talking.

I became "too close" and she needs distance and times to sort out her thoughts. Idk what that means or what even does it refer to but this is not about friendship. I can feel it. So I haven't talked to her for 48h. Because I want to respect her wishes. Next week is going to be really strange. It's such a shame. I really do love her and I love spending time with her but the way she has been treating me is also not ok.And I made sure to let her know it isn't. I am not sure what is going on. I think she is scared of her own feelings. But I cannot help her with that.

I am just so sad.

[foxhearting]

She is probably quitting at the end of the year one.

[foxhearting]

another amazing day of

I dont think she gives a shit

[foxhearting]

sometimes idk why I even attempt anything?????????????

like i just don't see what is the point?===

she doesn't care

and I think she just fakes she does

but there are moments when she gets tired of faking and that's when we clash

[foxhearting]

do i jot down her silence when i talk about my other relationships as disinterest or jealousy???

[foxhearting]

the way she frowns when concentrated when her hair is pulled back is the cutest fucking thing ever i am so done

[foxhearting]

OHMYGOOOOOOOOOOOD

We had an unexpected study day.

AND SHE IS JUST SO CUTE

LIKE THE CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN

SO CUTE SO CUTE SO CUTE SO CUTE SO CUTE

ohmygooood

I have so many feelings

I just want to scream into a pillow

[foxhearting]

í officially give the fuck up

[foxhearting]

It has been such busy couple of weeks. She continues to be adorable and we continue ignoring our little confession to each other. All i know is that every day i love her more and more and I just.... Why is this happening. She said she was gonna stay with me when my mom and sister come and she wants to learn estonian to speak to my sister. And this is the cutest. Idk why she even wants to do this. She has no obligations to do that. I am really emotional!!!!