Fragments of me- In between the voices and silence

A space between what is heard and what is left unspoken. Where I write fragments, confessions, and silences that speak. 🌙

[fragmentsofmesblog]

Living in Alert Mode

There are days I wake up tired… before I even get out of bed.

Not physical tired.

It’s the kind that comes from always being “on”, always aware, always waiting for something I can’t even name.

Anxiety isn’t just worry.

It’s living as if something is about to happen — even when everything is quiet.

It’s stepping outside and feeling your heart race for no reason.

It’s thinking through a hundred scenarios before taking one step.

It’s wanting so badly to live… and at the same time being afraid of everything that comes with it.

And then there’s the part no one really sees:

The effort.

The effort to look normal.

To go to work with a tight chest.

To smile when inside you just want to run.

To do simple things that, for me, sometimes feel like mountains.

There are days I win.

I get up, I go out, I do what I need to do.

And no one sees the quiet battle that happened before that moment.

And there are days I don’t.

And on those days, the worst part isn’t the anxiety.

It’s the guilt.

The frustration.

That harsh voice telling me I should be stronger.

But the truth — the one I’m slowly learning — is this:

I already am strong.

Because I keep trying.

Because even with fear, I don’t give up on myself.

Because there are days everything in me says “stay”… and I still get up.

Anxiety doesn’t define me.

But it is part of my story.

And maybe living with it isn’t about winning every day…

But about learning to walk beside it, without letting it take everything else from me.

Slowly.

With fear sometimes.

But still… forward.

[fragmentsofmesblog]

Once, a psychologist said:

"And suddenly you realize that your stress isn't always about others.

It's about yourself, for having exceeded your limits to make life easier for others..."

Saw this and hit hard ❤️‍🩹

[fragmentsofmesblog]

Back.. I think..

Hey !

Havent been here for a while and life is overwhelming at the moment on top of having caught covid.. yes again, the disease loves me no doubt about it, its the fifth time already since covid made its appearance to the world.

And im tired, people dont seem to take me being ill seriously even when its the visable ones !

I have been there for everyone while fighting my demons and confusion, and it seems everyone needs my attention lately and i have been there for those i promised i would step up for and be there.

Its been exausting making everyone happy and dividing myself between everyone not able to open up because someones feelings get hurt,

and here i am again living my life for others, while i dont even have the energy or will to live right now !

Its not that i dont care, somethings irritate me because its like dude have you seen my life right now..

But i did it, ive stepped up for everybody, but myself.

Cause no matter how direct i am, or give hints im really needing help and understanding right now, and its a battlefield in my mind.

No body seems to care, as long as there needs are taken care off..

Im mentally and physically sick. I acknowledge and accept.

But does anyone else?

Its like when i need my tribe, my tribe is breaking to.. but why oh why am i always the one holding it together and worrying about all but me..

Im literally talking to myself right now and just not making sense at all.

Im done. Completly utterly done.

Didnt edit didnt correct anything i just wrote and its being posted just the way it is

[fragmentsofmesblog]

The small thing that set me over the edge!

I’ve been on the receiving end of the universe’s rage or whatever cause its shit storms after shit show now.

In between what I feel is like a damn love triangle when one makes me feel like a little girl and special and the other one a family person a woman with purpose with kids and the good feels.

Receiving a letter from court for my son who was defending me against my neighbour who opened my head and had to have stiches and haircut and he pressed charges the damn idiot, because my son made him look like a panda for a week while I’m still recovering and as if living hearing the abuse he shouts at his kids isn’t enough and my only reason for getting bloody hit with a wooden coat hanger was sticking up for his daughter which his damn wife should have been doing rather than blaming the poor kid for all evils of the world and excusing said “mans” behaviour due to a troubled past..

Deep breath.

Let’s not get too deep into my past, as I would have a free pass to murder my chid if that was a good excuse to scream motherfucker at your six-year-old!

This week or days have been hard, not having any money or food in the cupboards or fridge, depending on help from Logan which I truly hate to the core, at the same time so grateful for his help feeding the child he didn’t help make!

Not that that was a dig at my son’s father, I have no reason to complain, he just simply can’t right now, that’s why he’s leaving his country behind to earn more to clear his debt and help us more, he is a good man and someone very special to me who.

And that’s a whole lot of other feels for another blog!

Back to the current shit show..

I turned numb, leaned a lot on Logan as a father, nothing more.

 Needing him just next to me in silence lately has been helpful or just listening to my verbal vomit, other than that, and I don’t know what happened inside me for about four days, or however long it was, I don’t know, times all over the place and the days are just merging into each other, as no sleep pattern happening over here either !

 I just woke up and whatever came at me shrugged my shoulders and just tried to carry on weather that was binging on series, blogging or cleaning the apartment and changing the furniture around because I don’t want to work or deal with the world, I’m in hiding, thinking of just let everything go.

I became numb and just survived the days but being open with Logan that I was feeling depressed and falling, he’s not letting me, but I know it’s taking every bone in his body the strength not to turn his back on me right now.

He has every right to.

Anyway, and I’m ashamed to admit, shame?

 Why?

Dunno but let’s move on, to what tipped me over the edge, and I lost it.

The pipe under the sink burst.

Yes, a fucking pipe.

That. That, not all the above of what I’ve mentioned and what I’ve not.

No that.

No, a burst pipe.

Dude, I screamed at the heavens above me asking what the fuck is wrong with you? And the swiftly apologizing to the Lord for getting mad at me and please at least save my soul if you can’t save my life!

I looked like someone in a mental home, I literately just sat in my room and screamed, ugly cried, cursed, and really spoke to my younger self as my grown-up self now…

And just say to her…

“Dear little Katie,

I know you I have failed for believing in things because it sounded so good, if  I knew now I would have moved slow, because now sometimes I run, sometimes I hide, I became that way, sometimes I’m even scared of me, because I all I really want to hold you tight, tell you everything will one day be okay but be strong just like you are now, the fight is worth it.

…But would I be lying to her? Will everything and everyone be alright?

Am I still worth the effort and strength to save myself, I should I just shut the door?

I just feel that I’m not a girl, but not yet a woman (at my age, that’s embarrassing) but because I used to think I had the answers to everything, but now I know that life doesn’t always go my way, feel caught in the middle and realize I’m not a girl, but not yet a woman, I lost so much of my pure innocent self that this feeling of something I missed or is missing never goes away.

Its time I face up to things, I’ve seen too much to shut my eyes to it, because it’s got to the point, I can’t shut it up, days have become triggers after triggers.

But when I look at myself in the mirror closely, I see it in my eyes, this girl will always find her way.

I’m not a girl, I’m just trying to find the woman in me, and all I need is time while I’m in between.

That’s the topic of my homework my therapist gave me, to find out who is Katie, and listen to that song and sing it the one I’ve spent nearly my whole adult life running from and let the pain come out the true pure pain, but I’m scared to do it on my own.

This whole post is a mess, and not much editing will go into it.

Because after all, these are my spilled thoughts.

[fragmentsofmesblog]

🌾 Between White and Red — What My Dream Tried to Tell Me

Last night I had a strange, yet somehow beautiful dream. A hen — the size of a chick — all white, with an orange beak and a red comb too big for its body. It looked fragile, small, yet that comb stood out… as if it shouted life through a body that no longer had it. It was dead on the ground. And I remember saying it was too small for everyone to have dinner from it. That’s all I remember.

I searched for meanings, but nothing seemed to fit, I was getting tired still early hours but couldnt settle. So I took a deep breath and decided to listen to the dream with my heart — not with Google.

The hen represents instinct, care, the energy of nurturing. White speaks of purity and new beginnings. But the small body and the death showed an ending — a cycle closing, something inside me that had already fulfilled its purpose. And yet, that red comb was still shining. Red is the root chakra — life force, passion. It was as if the dream whispered:

“Yes, this has ended. But your energy is still alive. It will be reborn in another form.”

The phrase “too small for everyone to have dinner” kept echoing in my mind. Maybe the dream was reminding me that not everything we give of ourselves needs to feed the whole world. Sometimes we keep offering small parts of us, already lifeless, just to keep everyone else from going hungry — even if that leaves us empty.

Today I choose to see that dream as a message of release. Something ended, and that’s okay. The energy that remains — that red comb — is proof that the fire is still burning.

[thememedaddy]

[fragmentsofmesblog]

"I feel like I'm always healing myself from things I didn't cause"

[fragmentsofmesblog]

Therapy

Yesterday was my first therapy session in about 20 years. I never really believed in it, and though I tried a couple of times, the doctors I saw only had five-minute appointments and just handed me another box of meds.

Lately, I’ve decided to accept therapy and approach it with an open mind. I was actually looking forward to it because it feels like my last resort—I can’t keep living like this.

So, I went. I didn’t want to like her, but I did. She was very direct and made me feel angry and uncomfortable throughout the two-hour appointment. As it was our first session, she was gathering as much information as possible, even reading my facial expressions, which annoyed me. I’m usually good at hiding any hurt or anger I feel—it’s my survival mode. It’s how I manage to avoid letting too many people in, knowing that sooner or later, they either abandon you, die, or make your life miserable from a distance.

We went through the family tree, covering who I grew up with, their current whereabouts, and any mental health issues in the family.

Then she paused and reviewed my chart from the past two years, during which I felt like a lab rat as they tried to diagnose the cause of my blackouts. Her jaw dropped at the sheer number of tests and medications I’d gone through with no follow-ups—37 diagnoses, each marked with a question mark.

She gave me a serious look and said we had a lot of work ahead. But first, I needed to adjust or come off some of my medications so she could help me work on my mindset, fears, and traumas. The goal was to stop merely surviving the days and start truly living them.

We went through the family tree, talking about who I grew up with, where they are now, and any mental health issues in the family.

Then she paused to review my chart from the past two years. I felt like a lab rat as they tried to figure out the cause of my blackouts. Her jaw dropped at the sheer number of tests and medications I’d gone through without follow-ups—37 diagnoses, each marked with a question mark.

She gave me a serious look and said we had a lot of work ahead. But first, I needed to adjust or come off some of my medications so she could help me work on my mindset, fears, and traumas. The goal was to stop just surviving the days and start truly living them.

She said we could start in a month’s time when I’m off some meds and on different ones, to feel better and have tools to manage my anxiety and depression, and to lock my past away in a mental box, throwing away the key and never opening that mess again.

We focused more on the present and future goals, because I need help not just with trauma, fears, and understanding why I am the way I am, but also with the here and now.

So we started there, with general questions about whether I’m in a relationship, my friends, and my relationships with my son and my father’s son.

She gave me some homework and agreed that blogging helps me since no one knows who I am. She mentioned that if I agreed, letting her follow my blog or read parts of it could help her understand me better. It probably won’t happen, but you never know.

The three tasks she asked me to complete before the next session were to sort out my meds, focus on myself selfishly, and listen to my heart and mind while doing exactly that. I spoke very openly about my current situation with my ex and Logan, discussing it in depth. It led to the third part of my work, which is to ask Logan how he would feel if I gave my current relationship another chance, reflect on how his answer makes me feel, and send it to her. I’m not sure why she wants to see the answer.

I don’t want to do it, but I’ve noticed a big change in myself with Logan since I’ve been open with him. These days together have been great, and I haven’t hidden my doubts. I know he doesn’t choose to ignore them—he comes because he wants to, and we have a connection. My concern is, if I pursue a relationship, whether it’s with my ex or someone else, has Logan truly accepted the dynamic I see him as? Would he still want my “normal, family-style relationship” while staying in my life?

It's like I mentioned in my last post—I keep making decisions based on how others might feel. One thing I took away from the session was realizing that I'll never be happy if I keep being a people pleaser, always trying to make everyone else happy, satisfied, and comfortable. Someone will always end up hurt—that’s just life. Not everyone will agree, support, or be pleased all the time.

We also touched on my mum and how to stop searching for a love I’ll never find or feel. But I ended that conversation—it’s too early for that.

Right now, I feel like I’m spiraling downward into a big hole, and I’m getting too tired to fight falling in. All this doubt, worry, and letting time slip by—it feels like people are going to get hurt.

I feel so lonely, and these past days with Logan have made me realize he gives me so much, but it’s not the same as what I feel in a romantic relationship. He’s like a father figure and best friend, but I miss my ex more and feel like giving in to my ex wanting me back. At the same time, I don’t want to lose Logan.

I have to make a decision, obviously depending on Logan’s answer, but as an overthinker, I keep imagining the worst scenario—losing Logan.

So now I have to choose: live my life and pursue the relationship I want, or stay alone and keep Logan in my life.

I feel completely lost, sad, and confused. I want to live, but I also want the pain to stop. Constantly masking my feelings and fighting this battle is exhausting. It doesn’t mean I want to die; I just want the feelings to stop.

Life would be so much easier if I didn’t have to feel so much.

[fragmentsofmesblog]

The Doubt

It's been almost a week since he left home, but we've still been talking and having surprisingly productive conversations that have made me question the decision.

The chaos we went through really tore things apart—it was three weeks of nonstop arguing, major blowouts, or giving each other the silent treatment. I can't pinpoint what happened three weeks ago that caused such a shift in both of us and our relationship, but this time apart, combined with our ongoing conversations, has been really positive. Honestly, I miss him.

Being honest brings pain to someone who is very important to me in a different way, and I feel like I’m making decisions based on others' feelings. I’ve made it clear to my ex that I want to maintain our friendship, and he understands how important it is to me without any objections.

That said, I know Logan would be deeply hurt if I went back to him. My son, however, is ready to forgive and has even asked to talk to my ex, as he likes him and now sees things more clearly.

I’ve leaned on Logan’s shoulder these past couple of days, which I’ve loved, but the aftermath has been really hard for me. I feel like I’m cheating and realize that I shouldn’t have leaned on him or been with him while I’m still so confused, so soon after breaking up, and still questioning everything. I keep replaying things in my mind, and he’s not a narcissist at all, just someone who needs to learn a different way to handle things—honestly, we both do.

This is where I’m at now: damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I don’t even have the courage to ask Logan how he’d react if I gave my relationship a second chance with him in my life, or if I’d lose him altogether.

Then again, what if I give it a second chance and it goes wrong, and I lose everything?

I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

[fragmentsofmesblog]

An ending is never easy.

My boyfriend is leaving today, and it's my decision.

I'm still unsure because the past few weeks have been awful. Being a victim of narcissism has made me hyper-aware, but that's not always a good thing. I studied it extensively after my experience to stay alert and aware because it can destroy you. We tend to use the term lightly—I'm guilty of that too—but if we truly read about it, we all have a bit of narcissism in us. That said, I've been so aware that I haven't been easy to deal with. Despite certain actions and his cheating, which I chose to forgive because I understood the circumstances and truly wanted this to work, things haven’t improved. Logan being involved in my life was something I mentioned; I missed my friend. He said he never stopped me from seeing Logan, and that's true, but he didn’t make me feel comfortable or show kindness when I talked about Logan. He never said no, and I could have continued, and I did, but he was moody when I got back.

After his honesty yesterday, I realized that no, I'm not a victim of narcissistic abuse again—I just see it everywhere. I even called my son and Logan names in anger before. He's simply someone who probably hasn't dealt with someone like me—a serious woman who doesn't behave like his exes did. He's suffered too, and I won't slander him, especially when I haven't always been the best person to him either.

His things are still here, and I'm standing firm, but I don't want this situation at all. I was happy; I was just triggered, ignored, and in arguments, he wasn't very nice. He doesn't know, nor is he obligated, to fix what others did to me or understand how the little things can push me over the edge.

I wanted more time with him, because we do have a bond, similiar thoughts and wants in a normal realtionship, i just dont want to be in constant flight or fly mode or overthink everything, shout at him or be always moody over the littlest trigger which i do have to admit he doesnt help in that part, weather on purpose or because hes a normal person and i take things to much to heart. This is going to hurt because there is no rage or anger, just upset and know that if i decide to try again i loose Logan.

This morning, my son asked me to reconsider and mentioned that I haven’t been easy on him. He said he needs more time to learn how to handle things with me and that any other man might have hit me or left by now. Despite me ignoring him for days, he hasn’t left and spent the day asking my son how I was, even asking again this morning.

My son feels conflicted because he has known him for years. As an athlete and a member of the same club, my son knows this behavior is completely out of character. He even saw him being beaten up by his ex in front of everyone at a football game.

It's hard to let someone go when you love them and keep questioning if enough time was given or if trying one more time is the answer.

Unfortunately, in my life, I can't seem to be fully happy. If I'm happy in one area, I lose someone, hurt them, or they end up mad at me.

I feel misunderstood.

I can't understand certain attitudes or why, all of a sudden, I can't seem to connect with anyone anymore, which is making me question my decisions.

All I know is that my heart is bleeding, and I just want it to scar and heal. I want everything in place and to have everyone I love in my life—not necessarily together—but without it being a problem.

I need my dad right now; he always understood me. But now he's old, and I don’t want to burden him.

Well anyway, going back to bed. Laters ..

[fragmentsofmesblog]

My First Born

Tomorrow you would have been nineteen.

My green-eyed baby — that’s how I still think of you.

Not as time would have made you, but as you were: small, perfect, silent in my arms. I often catch myself wondering what your laugh would sound like, if you’d have my stubbornness or your father’s calm, and what kind of brother you’d be to the tornado that is your little brother.

I see flashes of you everywhere — in the sunlight that hits his face the same way it once hit yours, in the quiet moments when I feel a presence that I can’t quite explain. Nineteen years later, the ache hasn’t gone. It’s softer around the edges maybe, but it’s still there. It lives beside the love.

People think time heals, but time just teaches you how to carry it — the missing, the wondering, the invisible bond. You were my first heartbeat outside my own body. You still are.

Tomorrow I’ll whisper your name into the morning air, and hope it reaches you somehow. We’ll be letting white balloons rise into the sky — each one carrying your name and age — a little celebration of the life that still lives in our hearts.

Forever loved. Forever missed. 💚

[fragmentsofmesblog]

Laughing Through the Madness

Life today:

Misplaced keys ✅

Teenager who knows everything ✅

Cat judging me like I’m a failed experiment ✅

Asked my dog where my house keys are… and stood there waiting for an answer ✅

Me?

Laughing at all of it.

Because crying takes too much energy.

And humour tastes better than tears. 😏

Some days the world spins too fast.

I spin with it — making jokes at my own expense.

It’s cheaper than therapy.

Way more fashionable too. 💁🏽‍♀️

And if the animals start talking?

They’re officially part of the cast.

Sitcom continues. 😂

Be back later to blog about my boyfriend, Logan's reaction and my deceased son who would be 19 on Sunday ..

Laters 🌹

[thoughtkick]

“You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.”

— C.S. Lewis

[fragmentsofmesblog]

Trauma Bond's- (Heads up—Adult content, trigger warning: abuse)

 I don’t want to delve too much into my childhood just yet, or maybe not at all, since it’s part of the book I’m writing, but I need to touch on it to explain my mindset regarding Logan.

I grew up thinking I had a normal family. Now I understand that I lived in an incestuous environment with a narcissistic, dominating mother who cursed the day I was born, constantly reminding me that my purpose was to work, obey, and please her.

To paint the picture, my mother dominated the relationship with my biological father, who was submissive to her. To me and my sister, however, he was a monster. When he was arrested for child abuse, he killed himself in prison. I was nine years old.

My adoptive father has been part of my life ever since. What I haven’t mentioned is that he’s also my biological uncle and another victim of my mother. She controlled him entirely, ordering him around and making him do awful things to satisfy her. I never understood the power she had over him until I experienced it myself. All I ever wanted was her love, and I would do anything for a small sign of affection.

Things took a turn when my mother discarded him, and it became my responsibility to please and care for him. I won’t go into further details, as this is enough context to give an idea of why things with Logan turned out as they did. If I do end up sharing this with Logan, he can ask deeper questions, and I’ll answer honestly now that the truth is out.

We had another argument today. He’s hurt and confused, struggling to understand how I’m in a relationship. Honestly, I don’t fully understand it either. It just feels natural, though I know deep down it won’t last. Still, there are feelings I’ve never experienced before, which makes it complicated.

With Logan, despite how much we connected on the first day we met.

I have this unexplainable love for him.

Over the years, my relationship dynamic with Logan has shifted countless times, and I think we both just leaned into it, perhaps too much into my trauma. We’ve been friends, fuck buddies, distant strangers, lovers, parents, siblings, and now, in a way that makes sense to me, I have this daddy relationship with him. If he knew, he probably wouldn’t have played along with it as he did.

I took his understanding, love, and desire for granted, and he became my Daddy in my eyes. What was role play for Logan was something serious to me, and that’s one of the main reasons I can never have a normal relationship with him. I have my personal reasons too, but this stands out the most.

In my ideal world, he is my Daddy now. In fact, my father seems to have let me go to have that with him, often saying he’s going to die soon and I’ll need a new daddy.

But I know Logan can’t be that, can’t be what my dad was. When my mother disappeared on one of her longer-than-usual adventures, my dad stepped up. He protected, provided, let me have boyfriends, but I was also expected to fulfill his needs.

I know this sounds strange, and I question whether this was love with my father or a trauma bond. But every moment I had with him wasn’t pain—it was love, affection, and care. That all awakened in me when Logan and I started getting intimate. I was already looking to him for guidance and as a father figure.

That’s who he is to me.

I do love him, but I understand his pain. I can’t have the best of both worlds and expect Logan to just wait around for me as the days pass. In that way, he’s nothing like my dad. Logan depends too much on me and my family, which is understandable—it’s all he’s ever wanted. And I failed, not once but four times, to give him a family, a child of his own to love and nurture.

I have to let him go. After today’s blow-up and being confirmed as the villain in the story, I think staying away is truly for the best.

He needs more than just me in his life; he deserves a normal relationship. Logan is so easy to love, if only he’d make the effort to put himself out there more. I want him to be happy, but I don’t want him to forget me either.

It’s so complicated. I feel like I haven’t explained it well enough, and he still thinks I don’t understand him. Honestly, I don’t half the time, because he shouldn’t have to put up with this.

I don’t think he’ll ever truly know how much I care or how much it hurts when I can’t feel for others the way I feel for him. That’s why nothing ever lasts—I just live in moments, whether they’re happiness or lessons.

I don’t think he’ll ever understand me either, and I feel exactly the same way he does about that.

I’ve been a coward. I’ve hurt both him and myself, and I know my time with him is nearly over once he finds out.

But whatever happens, he has to know. He can’t be blind to it. He has to know I love him in a very special way, even if I can’t be what he wants me to be. For that reason, I’ll have to let him go—but this time, fairly. This time, we’ll talk, and we won’t sugarcoat everything again.

He’s bleeding.

I’m bleeding.

This whole thing is messed up, but honestly, my life has always been like that.

I'm not an evil person; I didn’t plan this intentionally and never wanted to hurt anyone. It's always been my fear. I guess I'm wired wrong and need serious help before I hurt anyone else or myself, or before the remorse destroys me or I harm myself.

And Im sorry, so so sorry.

[fragmentsofmesblog]

Logan- Trauma Bond?

For privacy reasons, I'll use fictional names.

This is an introduction to who Logan is in my life, leading up to a post about trauma bonds that I’ve attempted to write three times but kept deleting. Now, I have blank page syndrome, so I’m just going to write what I can for now.

I want my stories and posts to be authentic, to come from within, without worrying too much about being careful with my words or overthinking. Ideas have been floating in my mind, but I can’t seem to bring them to my fingertips. Anyway, let’s talk about Logan—it might help me get into the flow of the conversation.

Oh, Logan..

Four years into our friendship, and we’re at a stand-off.

We’ve taken on so many “roles” in our journey together as friends—or whatever it is we have.

We formed a strong connection right from the first message I sent him on a dating app. I was rebuilding myself after a breakdown, and he was the first “stranger” I met after my time away from the world.

Since then, there’s been lust, passion, true love, loss of babies, trauma, triggers, and moments where we’ve hurt each other, yet we’ve always remained connected somehow.

Lately, as I’m in a new relationship (a topic for another post!).

I’ve been reflecting on why I don’t feel the same way with Logan.

He has his flaws, but he has the purest heart I’ve ever encountered.

I think I’m starting to understand why and am questioning whether we have a trauma bond.

Can “good” trauma bonds exist?

I made him into someone who took on a role well, but not in the way I needed. Even though he knows every part of my story, there’s one detail I’ve left out—and I think now I know why.

How do I explain what I now realize is wrong?

How do I tell him even though its wrong its what I need from him?

We played around with it too much, and now I just want that comfort zone back, that he made me feel taking me back to those times as a child.

That’s what the next post will be about: the entire role we played, the full story with no omissions.

And maybe… maybe he will finally understand me.

[fragmentsofmesblog]

Got Triggered

The apartment is nearly done and sat down for a snack and a smoke and thought nah its nearly dinner time im gonna watch something until its time to make tea, as i made my snack my boyfriend and nephew looking for something to watch and decided on the p-diddy case, now im not here to talk weather i agree or not, is he guilty or not, there was something that the lady said in court which both my nephew and boyfriend commented on.. thats the trigger.

The lady in court as many may know was raped, but after being raped she had intercourse willing after.

We are talking about a trauma bond, which is what was on my mind to post about later.

It was him scoffing at the fact that just because she willing had sex after rape with the man she loved and hoped that would return to being the same person as they are in the love bombing phase.

It triggered me, because he knows my story, well the very very soft version of what happened to me in the past, does he really not understand what ive explained after i realized i was victim of narcissism abuse both physical and mentally (which is harder to get over than any broken rib).

Is he the same?

Am i with another narc?

Is my judgement still not right after all i went through and studied narcissism to the core..

Or is he trying to understand this with me together and help me cure this in me..

Either way, why did this bother me so much ? My mood changed and i felt some what betrayed, does that even make sense ?

Anyway, at least he is making dinner while im here blogging ..

Gunna eat and most likely go to bed early and write my next post if i get insonia or tomorrow..

Little spoiler.. im going to introduce you to my friend "Logan" and trauma bonds.

Laters

[fragmentsofmesblog]

Hey, having a busy day, but mind is always thinking.

I was stuck on my next post, a sensitive and maybe a trigger for some but it's the raw truth, after all that's why I'm here.. to write without filters as no one knows who I am.

So, I'm gonna carrying on with all the furniture out of place cause I had the amazing ideia move the furniture around full of motivation but quickly passed and I'm like the turtle slowly but not stopping 💪🏼 even if the sofa looks appealing right now.. netflix and a smoke hummm.. focus girl.. you will feel better once it's done .

It's easier to clear the caos of the apartment than my mind right now 🤘🏼

So thoughts are on the mind today or tomorrow will post about what's been tormenting me for a long time.

Back to mission of getting the apartment sorted..

Laters 🌹