In discussions abt topping/bottoming & negotiating dynamics, I often see "don't treat [your] tops as your personal kink dispensers".
I realized... I don't really understand what that means or what it would look like! Would you be willing to explain that idea in a way that's less abstract? Ty!
Kink dispenser thinking is often marked by things like:
Equating topping and Domming as the same thing, and treating anyone interested in either as if they must be eager to do both at all times (because people do this to both top and Doms, I will discuss its impact on both here).
Assuming that a person must be both a top & Dominant because they are tall, have a penis, have dark skin, are larger than you, or are more masculine or butch
An assumption that someone who is a top or Dominant wants to have sex/kink literally all the time, without limits
Refusal to initiate, approach, or express desire to a Top or Dom, expecting them to be the active party in making sex happen
Inability or refusal to explain what one is interested in sexually, provide specific examples of sexual activities that you would like to take part in, being unable to offer input on what the top or Dominant suggests during negotiations or during sex, etc, expecting the top or Dom to just make it all up on their own on the fly
Inability or refusal to describe your own limits, triggers, and sexual activities you do not particularly enjoy, or to advocate for oneself when something feels off during sex, forcing the top or Dominant to take sole responsibility for keeping everyone safe.
Lack of acknowledgement for the massive amounts of planning, verbal and nonverbal communication, negotiation, adaptation, physical exertion, and emotional exhaustion that comes from topping or Domming, and how difficult performing all of this can be for a top or Dom;
Lack of aftercare provided to the top or Dom -- no feedback on what worked and what didn't, no insights into whether you enjoyed yourself and felt safe and if you would like to connect again, no reassurances that the top or Dom did a good job and that it was something that you wanted, no emotionally checking in with the top or Dom about their needs, no expressions of care for the top or Dom's mental state or body (providing a massage afterward, performing some kind of active expression of affection or care to them).
Lack of curiosity about the top or Dom's specific desires, limits, triggers, squicks, and etc
A belief that tops or Doms cannot be assaulted, abused, or coerced by bottoms or subs.
