no

[frankdorchester]

tex mex

There's something especially somber about friendships that end quietly. There's no big conversation that leads to parting ways, no closure, just a gradual realization that the friendship isn't what it used to be and can't really be recovered. Your brain keeps revisiting it emotionally because there was never a satisfying conclusion.

Grief is a good word to describe it. Not romantically, but definitely relational. Even friendships can leave wounds that are just as profound as loss, especially the ones that become woven into your identity during formative years.

With Jenny and Terry, though we drifted individually for different reasons, the things I lost during those periods felt similar:

My best friends

A sense of emotional safety

A version of myself from that time

Rare ease of connection with people that felt effortless

I'm not proud of the way I handled those drifts. I was petty and reacted emotionally-- cutting ties and burning bridges to feel like I had some control over the situation. These things have kept me up at night a few times, including tonight.

I've had a hard time wrapping my head around the thoughts of, "Why does this still occupy so much space in my mind years later? Why am I sad about this if everything else turned out okay?"

I've learned that the emotional significance of these friendships don't just disappear because the present is good, or because I want them to. Nostalgia will always idealize things. I'm working hard to stop framing these incidents as failures, and understand that some relationships are meant to be deeply meaningful rather than permanent.

Maybe this explains my reluctancy to reconcile, or maybe that part is my ego. Maybe healing isn’t about getting to the point where you never think about someone again. Maybe it's about getting to the point where the memories feel happy instead of haunting.

I'm still very grateful that I had those two around when I did. And since I like talking about how actions have consequences, these are mine.

[frankdorchester]

slow down, you're doing fine

I've been posting updates here and there about my life and the progress I've noticed over the past three years. It started with a lot of self-discovery—microdosing mushrooms to shift my outlook, taking myself on solo dates to build independence, and establishing a creative foundation to fall back on during downtime. The work wasn’t always enjoyable, but it was deeply necessary most of the time.

When Ellen and I started dating three years ago, she told me how impressed she was with my hobbies and emotional maturity. I didn’t fully agree, mostly because I knew that much of what she appreciated was still new and still a work in progress. But it was a fair observation. Compared to her past relationships, which weren’t very healthy, the bar may have been low. Still, she made me feel good about the direction my life was heading despite my own reservations.

Lately, though, I’ve been feeling a regression. I haven’t been dedicating time to creativity or independence. The sense of ego death I experienced during that long stretch of self-discovery has faded. Frustrations and anxiety are piling up—from work, family, and thoughts about the future. In the past, my answer to personal struggles was to self-medicate and work through things slowly. Maybe that’s still the answer, or maybe something is missing.

So am I grateful for what I have? Or am I discontent because something is missing? I’m starting to realize that both can be true.

Gratitude = recognition of progress Discontent = signal for continued growth "You can't be everything you need to be before your time."

[frankdorchester]

this, never that

My schedule is becoming increasingly unpredictable. I'm finding that my memories of the passing weeks are starting to blend, and it's getting harder to remember the specifics. Call it old age, weed brain, or lack of attention to detail. Regardless of how I feel about it, the time is passing, and it's passing quickly.

December consisted of staying in, embracing the cold, and buying a new car. It was probably the least Christmas-y season I've had so far, but we did manage to save $6000 off the sticker price, so I'll take it. What a great Christmas gift. January consisted of my best friend's bachelor party in CDMX, a couple necessary weekends alone, and some quiet reflection. Rarely do I get alone time anymore, so when it comes, I try to cherish it and use it in a way that will better my peace of mind.

As we approach the end of February '26, I am reminded of how important it is to take care your people. I visited my nephew earlier this month, and I am so happy to be a part of his life and be able to watch him grow. Even though my brother's family dynamic has been a little shaky, I realized that what he decides to do with his life and family is out of my control. All I can do is be present and helpful in whatever way I can to whoever needs it.

As far as work goes, not many updates, except that I am BUSY. I got the opportunity to do a cool commercial shoot in Leavenworth, where they paid for my stay and compensated me generously. My job job is filled with days that can't catch up-- way too much to do. Part of me likes being this busy because it makes the workweek fly by, but at the same time, it's all passing by way too fast. I am definitely grateful for a stable, rewarding job that allows me to do all that I do outside of work, but I need to remember to stop to smell the flowers.

March is next week, remember to take lots of photos.

[frankdorchester]

am I okay?

General consensus is that, lately, things have been going well. Sure, there might be a couple smudges here and there. Family matters could be better, financial pressure could ease off a bit, and I haven't been the most consistent with my fitness, but for the most part, I'm still riding this wave that's taken me to better places. My friends back home have noticed huge changes in the right direction, and commended me for doing the work necessary to be better and happy. I love them for that.

I don't have too much to add today. The biggest thing on my mind lately is how and when I'm gonna get this girl to marry me.

More to follow.

[frankdorchester]

lessons from china

These past two weeks in China have been eye opening— from travel and experiences, but mostly from conversations with my Gugu. She recently experienced losing her spouse, which for me is currently unimaginable. The feeling of that kind of loss must be different than losing a parent or a friend. Then again, this is merely an assumption and I am fortunately ignorant to the weight of that specific experience. 

We had a lot of sadly nostalgic, yet necessary conversations. Regarding my mom, my brother, my dad, my grandma, the rest of my family, and what my history with them is supposed to have taught me. I learned a lot of important things:

I need to take care of myself first, otherwise I won’t be able to take care of everyone else as well as I want to. Your cup needs to be full in order to fill other peoples’, otherwise you are sacrificing essential parts of yourself, which harm will you in the long run, and in turn, result in not being able to help in ways you wish you could. I need to drill this in my brain and know what is and isn't within my capacity.

The things in the past, although painful and regretful, are lessons in each their own. Regret is a personal lesson that you won’t act that way again, and you are a fool if you do. I deeply regret the way I acted with my grandma before she left, so much so that these feelings impact me significantly and sporadically. My aunt says I shouldn’t feel this way, and that my regret is a sign that I’ve learned from this experience. My grandma would be happy about that, because she loved me so much. 

Everyone is on their own journey, and the purpose of these journeys stems from everyone's’ childhood. I can’t force my brother to be closer to my family, but I can relay the importance of why it matters. Though he has distanced himself from my family, that doesn’t mean they’ve distanced themselves from him, nor do they resent him for acting this way. They’ve all seen his history, and understand why things are the way they are. In time, I hope he realizes the significance of his family’s love, including my own.

Life is precious, and loneliness is a temptation for self-pity. Being in the moment and appreciating the little things life has to offer, like your loved ones’ happiness, a nice meal with a glass of wine, or just enjoying each others’ company— these things tether you to your personal spirit, and everything else is a distraction. Grief is just a feeling the symbolizes the weight of how much you loved someone, which is something to celebrate. 

I am so happy and fortunate to have come on this trip. It was a nice reminder to choose experiences and loved ones every time.

[frankdorchester]

putting things in perspective

We had a scary incident happen this past weekend. Ellen and I were out on our usual weekend grocery run, when she started feeling lightheaded. As I went to grab one of the last items we needed, I heard her call out my name with a concerning tone. I turned around, and her body had tightened up -- she started having a seizure. I ran back as quickly as I could, grabbed onto her, and slowly let her body down on the ground so she wouldn't fall and hit her head. I called out for help, and one of the employees phoned for an ambulance.

She was convulsing violently for about a minute, eyes rolled back and foaming from her mouth. Suddenly, she stopped, but she was still unconscious with her eyes open and her lips blue. For a moment there, I couldn't tell if she was breathing. I held her tight, and for the first time in a long time, I prayed. I sat there on the ground, helpless in the wine section of Whole Foods, and prayed that my Ellen would be okay.

After the longest two minutes of my life, she came to, but was deeply confused. She didn't know where we were, how we got there, what had just happened. I pulled it together and tried not to overload her with information. I told her what had just happened and that help was on the way. My panic quickly turned into relief, which then turned to worry. The ambulance arrived a few minutes afterwards and her doctor prescribed her anti-seizure medication. She's feeling a lot better today.

We've had to explain what happened to a lot of people since the incident, and reliving it hasn't gotten any easier. It was truly one of the scariest moments of my life. I was abruptly reminded that life is fragile, and to cherish every moment we have with each other-- big or small.

The day after, we were lying in bed in the afternoon and I told her, "Why don't we go and get married this week?" She laughed it off, but I was dead serious. I realized that I seriously don't know what I would do without her. I mean, I already knew that, but this moment really cemented it for me.

She still needs a bit of convincing, but we're getting there.

[frankdorchester]

the power of showing up

I've known one of my best friends, Kevin, since the 6th grade. Over the years, we’ve gone on long road trips, met each other’s families, and he even asked me to officiate his wedding. Ever since I moved to Seattle, he’s made it a point to visit me every year. He’s one of those rare people whose intentions I’ll never question—and whose loyalty to his loved ones is unwavering.

Kevin has always been the most easygoing and level-headed person I know. He’s a man of few words, but when he does speak, it’s thoughtful and honest. My brother once said, “He’s the only person I know who doesn’t have any demons,” and I strongly agree with that sentiment. If anything, I'm the one that has teetered on the line of being a good or bad influence for him.

When I told Kevin I was moving to Seattle a few years ago, he immediately bought a plane ticket to visit. I warned him I didn’t have any furniture yet, but he said he's totally fine sleeping on the floor and using a towel as a blanket. Not many people I can name that would be accepting and generous with those circumstances. On that trip, he told me about an event called The Weekender at the Gorge Amphitheatre. I was entering an impactful, new chapter, and I think he knew it would help me process some of what I was feeling. It ended up being my first Group Therapy event, and also the first time I saw him completely let go of his stoic persona to become entranced in the music. We split a tab of acid and watched the clouds go by while listening to deep house. It was then that I finally understood why they call it Group Therapy, and it's become our annual tradition to go see a show.

A couple of months ago, Kevin called me out of the blue—something he rarely does. He was out driving in the middle of the night and told me that he’d been feeling unusually depressed. He didn’t quite know how to deal with it, but he attributed it to a lack of personal time, a growing list of never-ending chores, and not getting enough sleep. This made sense since he and his wife had just welcomed a baby. We ended up talking for a few hours, and by the end of the call, he ended up going through this prescriptive scientific method to self-diagnose the holistic issue. I've never seen anyone think that clearly and logically when addressing their emotions, especially when dealing with depression. Weird situation-- he called me wanting some help and I ended up having the biggest takeaway from our interaction. Anyway, I tried to offer some practical insights: exploring therapy, making space for personal wellness, finding small moments of gratitude, trying meditation, touching grass. Most of those seemed to work well for me. He took some of that advice and found some little moments to appreciate and look forward to.

I'm relieved that he opened up to me. There were times I could sense something was weighing on him, but he struggled to articulate it. My biggest fear was that he’d keep everything bottled up and something bad would happen. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he isn't the kind of person to not address an issue. Kevin has everything under control, but just needs to talk it out sometimes.

I’m not entirely sure what the moral of this story is-- I guess I just wanted to document how much I appreciate Kevin and his values. The older I get, the more I understand that the people around you each have a different purpose in how they influence you and affect your life. Some are for moments, some are for chapters, and some are lifelong. I hope to be a positive influence because I have that for me.

"Our current mood is gratitude."

[frankdorchester]

everything fades

Being a relationships-based person has been putting me in some tough spots. I've done a better job at relinquishing my desperate need for the approval of others, but there is always still work to be done. In the past, I've admittedly tried changing myself to appease other people's perception of me, and I'm learning that it wasn't just so that I would be accepted. Rather, it was more of a selfish reason: I am not and have never been this person that people see me as, but I would like to be.

Enter (for real) imposter syndrome for many years-- I was putting up this front for so long that it became second nature and really messed with what I thought to be legitimate interactions. The worst part about admitting that they weren't legitimate is that I am to blame because I was halfway full of shit. This was an eye-opener, and is heavily nudging me towards a life of just being myself.

It feels like I've been stuck on this topic for the past few months. Even now, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that everything fades. Another hard, digestible truth: As you get older, people drift and go on different paths. It's not personal, and even if it is, that's okay. Not everyone needs to justify why they don't want to continue having a relationship. I, sure as hell, don't explain that to everyone I've parted ways with. It's par for the course, and comes with setting boundaries that you don't have to explain to anyone.

It's starting to feel like nostalgia is a mental trap set by the past to keep you shackled to its unchanging weight. You can never get back to where you were; that time is gone. However, every day, you have the opportunity to take a step forward and make life what you want it to be. Everything will come and go, just keep going.

[frankdorchester]

seven years later

There’s an analogy about grief that really helped me make sense of how overwhelming it can feel—especially in the beginning.

Imagine your emotional space as a box. Inside the box is a ball representing your grief, and on one side of the box, there’s a “pain button.” In the early days, the grief ball is huge—so large that it constantly presses against the pain button. Every movement, every moment, triggers it. Over time, the ball starts to shrink. It still bounces around, and it still hits the button now and then—but not as often. And when it does, it still hurts, just not with the same intensity or frequency.

This analogy helped me understand the waves of sadness that still show up from time to time.

Lately, I’ve been struggling to remember certain things about my dad—especially those final weeks. It feels like my brain has intentionally blocked out the more traumatic parts, maybe as a form of self-protection. But when I try to bring those memories back, I’m often met with a flood of overwhelming grief.

The other day, I sat in silence for a few hours, trying to recall whatever I could—good or bad. And suddenly, it all came rushing in: guilt, nostalgia, anger, sadness. In the past, I probably would’ve gotten swept up in those emotions—become a victim to them. But now, I’ve learned to give myself space and permission to sit with those feelings, without judgment or shame.

It’s been seven years. Life looks very different now. But I’m doing my best to be a reflection of everything I loved about my dad.

And even though it happens less often now, I still see him in my dreams. Always the same fit—tucked-in polo, high-waisted pants, one leg crossed over the other, a cigarette in hand. Just as I remember him.

[frankdorchester]

narcissism

Everyone is at fault, no one is to blame-- Or everyone is to blame. Not really sure.

All I know is that I've been struggling with battling my internal judgement of others. On one hand, it's perfectly fine for someone to have their own set of beliefs and philosophy. On the other hand, when those beliefs don't align with my own, it often changes my perspective on the person or people who hold those opposing ideologies. This is especially true for those in my close circle of influence.

The world is divided between right and right, and rarely do tolerant and transparent debates happen. I will admit that a lot of the time, I am also guilty of not hearing the opposing side with an open mind. After all, we all have our own algorithm cementing what we think is the truth, and the rift is growing bigger by the second.

I guess my struggle is really my alignment with the moral compass of people I would consider my close friends. I'm trying to be more accepting of everyone's general ignorance, including my own, but it's hard to wrap my head around the argument of the opposing side, especially when the rhetoric is nationalistic.

I've learned not to trust my first impulsive reaction to things (habits of an addict). No more cutting people off -- I've done enough of that. No more pointless arguments that don't have actionable or insightful outcomes. If there is a mutual respect and reciprocated suggestibility, then no hard feelings.

[frankdorchester]

sunflowers

I've been blessed with good days recently. I accredit most of it to my life at home, since majority of my nights are spent in with my two lovely ladies. Outside my homelife has been either at work, with friends, or in the sun.

I heard someone say the other day, "It's not about getting what you don't have, it's about liking what you do."

Regardless of the milestones that might offer public or conventional success, I am still rich without it.

I'm just gonna bask in this feeling for a while and try to keep it going. Good job, Todd.

[frankdorchester]

work & golf

These two have been on my mind day in and day out. Not sure if this is a product of entering my 30s, but I'm not entirely mad about it.

Work has been kicking my butt lately. I'm finally starting to feel the pressure of underperformance, and since it's getting close to the end of my full fiscal year, that feeling does not always work as a healthy motivator. Instead, it harbors this sense of panic and dread. In the past month, I've lost 4 deals to various reasons: economic uncertainty, office politics, yada yada. I know this is the nature of the game, and still, I can't help but to grieve these processes. Money is not in my pocket. Time is spent. Opportunity is gone for the near future. The obvious answer is to put your head down and get more. The next two months are going to be a hectic test to my ability to perform under pressure.

Speaking of performance under pressure, golf. That's it. I love this stupid little game where I hit a tiny while ball across some grass and into a hole. I've been thinking about it an unhealthy amount. I've found my new thing. And it's beautiful. I will work harder so that I can golf more.

[frankdorchester]

loud quitting

For as long as I can remember, I've had an issue with following things through. I quit playing piano at 7 years old because I didn't want to go to my teachers house on the weekends anymore. I quit Tae Kwon Do at 9 because I kicked a hole in the wall during a temper tantrum and hurt my foot. I received a full scholarship to arguably the most prestigious military school in the nation-- I quit after a year because I felt I was missing the "true college experience".

I quit pursuing a real estate license in California during Covid. I quit pursuing a career in data analytics and engineering. I even quit a couple jobs before I had anything else lined up to take its place, which ended up hurting me in the long run.

It's been an ongoing problem. I often get discouraged halfway through completing something in its entirety because a voice in my head tells me, "It's not worth it. Do you even want to do this?"

A lot of the time, the answer becomes no. Truly, my mindset or reasoning tends to change when faced with obstacles in any difficult process. This is usually because of missing out on other experiences, or simply just losing interest before it becomes rewarding.

I recognize that this habit is harmful. It even affects those around me-- can anyone count on me to be dependable and finish what I started? I know that it takes time to figure out what I want to do with my life, but it's impossible to tell if a decision is worth it before completing the task at hand. Following your passion might not always be the best advice to anyone who struggles with maintaining stability, financially or otherwise.

This year, I promised myself I will complete anything I start, and not quit halfway through. Educate yourself on your creative process and skillset. Work diligently to provide for yourself and your future. Build better habits around your routine and stick with them.

[frankdorchester]

mellow

2025 is proving to move quickly. Already two months gone, damn.

In January, I went on some snow hikes, shot a run-and-gun short film, went to Orlando and back for work, and flew down to California to see my brother-- he ended up bailing on me the whole weekend because he was busy with school/work. No worries, I had plenty of people to fill up my short weekend there. Caught up with some old friends, and decided to not see a few. It felt nice to hang out in calmer settings with the people who made an effort or cleared some time to see me.

February, Ellen decided to take me to Mexico City for the last leg of my 30th birthday celebration (5 months later lol). I've had an affinity for Mexican culture and cuisine since I was a child, and this was one of the most thoughtful and exciting experiences that I have ever been a part of. In 8 days, we saw Condesa, Puebla, Roma Norte, Coyoacan, Cholula, and a little, unassuming Italian town called Chipilo. In total, we had nearly 70 street tacos, about a dozen conchas, a smoothie every day, and wound up with a little bit of food poisoning. It was all worth it. I'll be back to see all the spots we missed, and will definitely need to brush up on my Spanish (which honestly isn't that bad, considering I've never taken a Spanish class before).

Taking a trip in the middle of a busy sales season made me feel a bit guilty for leaving work. I ended up having to plug in a couple of times to make sure that all my ducks were in a row, and I wouldn't be struggling to catch up when I got back. To my surprise, I'm actually doing a good (not great) job at work, despite my could-be-stronger work ethic and frivolous time management skills. Enter adderall and try-hard sales mode these next couple months.

These past couple months, I've learned that I need to be a bit more patient and caring with Ellen. She sometimes has anxious and manic moments (as do I, of course), which I don't handle very well. I tend to have a short fuse, and shut down when I get overwhelmed by her emotions. This is super unfair to her, because she handles my moments in a gentle, patient way, and is always very understanding of me. I'm working towards being a better partner to her in this regard because she is everything: A loving partner, a great parent to Rosie, a loyal friend, and a little crazy :-)

I would say that this chapter of my life is called: Almost Got It Down

[frankdorchester]

2024 wrapped.

[frankdorchester]

"we live a simple life"

It's been an ongoing joke that Ellen and I have every time we find ourselves with some free time. Nowadays, if you're trying to get on my calendar, it's gonna take a few weeks and sometimes months. I wish I was bragging about this, I'm not. Weekends are eaten up well in advance, and don't even think about asking me to hang out on a school night.

A couple weeks back, we finally encountered an unexpected weekend with no plans or commitments. I was ecstatic to have some time to recenter myself and take care of some personal items. I wanted to get a workout in, plop down in a coffee shop, get some writing done, and visualize my goals for the coming year-- it was to be lovely and peaceful and reinvigorating. But then, almost immediately after learning about our "free day", I was involuntarily volunteered to partake in impromptu lunch/dinner plans, endless errands and many, many chores. I obviously participated and put my personal to-do's on the backburner yet again.

Being so busy has also made me lazy in my remaining free time. I'm so zapped by life that it feels like I'm not in an environment or routine conducive to being productive/ambitious outside of everything that already fills my schedule. I can definitely do a better job at saying no to plans, and giving myself some time back to work on the things that, although aren't urgent, are still very important to me. Maybe I should start weighing the significance of all these tasks, and prioritize them in order by what is fulfilling, what is necessary, and what is fun.

The perpetual search for ~*balance*~

[frankdorchester]

Two years ago, I was still relatively fresh to Seattle and in the middle of a lonely winter. I quit my job, redecorated my apartment (RIP bunk bed), and went on a personal journey to figure out exactly why I moved here.

I remember being on the phone with Terry, and he gave me a lecture. "You moved to Seattle to run away from your problems instead of facing them, but you can't outrun yourself." That was probably the last time I sought any counseling from him, because I could tell from the tone of his voice that he was tired of giving me the same advice every time I fell into a rut. Even if we're not as close anymore, I still cherish the time he took back then to get the same message through my stubborn head. It was time to work out the things that were feeding me doubt and to broaden my perspective.

I've reiterated this a few times, but my life is in a much better place now and I'm grateful for it. Even so, there are still a lot of things that could use some improvement. I still need to work on properly expressing my frustration without being overly emotional. I still need to learn how to prioritize my free-time and my hobbies, so that my day-to-day is more purposeful. The biggest and hardest obstacle for me: I still need to learn that martyring myself on another's behalf is a compulsion and not a virtue. None of this matters if I don't learn to put myself first sometimes.

Hopefully, I can look back at the end of the year and be proud of the progress I've made again.

It's 2025 and you finally have (some of) your shit together. Good job, Todd.